Ponyville 6:07 AM 6/13/2012
It was a quiet day in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle was shopping in the marketplace. She looked at a mirror in one of the stands. Her purpleish-blue mane with purple and pink streaks are not out a place. The unicorn saw an Pinkie Pie prancing nearby. The purple mare walked up the the her and said "Hello Pinkie."
Pinkie responded "Hey Twilight, how are you doing?"
"Well I'm looking for some supplies to study the constellations, and you?"
"Cheerilee said that two of her friends are visiting this week and I need to welcome them. Oh isn't this great that two new ponies are coming here this week?"
"Uh I guess..."
Then Fluttershy walked in with Angel on her back. She quietly said "Uh hello, how are you doing?"
The party pony said "Hiya Fluttershy, Cheerilee said that two of her friends are coming and I need to prepare the party wagon for them." The party pony who then pulls out a what looks like a trunk on wheels. Twilight then said "I plan on doing a little astronomy tonight."
The shy pegasus said "Well I'm here to get some food for Angel; He's been really hungry lately." Just then the white hare jumped out of the bag. The two mares agreed to helped Fluttershy get some food.
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Ponyville 11:00 AM
In the center of town there was a mysterious blue box. But no-one had questioned it's existence, in fact nopony seemed to even noticed. Inside this box The Doctor was busy tweaking some things River Song walked in. She said "Hello sweetie. Still working on the TARDIS?"
The time stallion said "Well River these Tachyon barriers don't install themselves," he was aiming with a device in his mouth. The device emitted a green light and buzzing sound. "And I've got to do something in case the TARDIS explodes again."
River then said "Well i just can't believe you decided to have a vacation in this dimension and work on the that box instead Doctor." She looked at her green flank which was adorned by picture of a river and a musical note. "Nor do i understand how you managed to got us in this dimension in the first place, care to explain?"
The doctor after looking at the hourglass on his brown flank then said "Well this is a Perpendicular Dimension. That means travel between this and our dimensions is easier, whereas Parallel Dimensions like Pete's World are as the term implies running parallel to our dimension and thus can't intercept in any way." The stallion then trotted to another terminal. "Perpendicular Dimensions can intersect making travel between the two much easier and less likely to destroy the universe."
"And yet you will still have to face a universe destroying cataclysm at the end of the month."
"What? That's ridiculous. There are no apocalyptic events happening in either universe."
The green pony then took some books. she read her blue one which resembled the TARDIS. "Let's see now: We have the cracks in time..."
"Well that was apocalyptic, but there was almost no way I could had predicted that."
"...The Dalek's Reality Bomb..."
"That was not at the end of the month. And you know that."
She turned the page "...And then there's the world being controlled by you're longtime rival. Oh and let's not forget what happened before AND after you regenerated."
"Ok that covers Earth, but Equestria is nothing like that."
River then picked up the other book skimmed through it and said "You're right Doctor, They only had to deal with the treat of Imperishable Nights, a sadistic embodiment of chaos, bears made of the stars themselves, and shape-shifters that feed on love, nothing apocalyptic in the slightest."
Just then they heard a knock on the door. The Doctor opened the door. It was Pinkie Pie. The brown stallion said "Hello, do you need some sugar?"
"No thanks," the party pony giggled. She honks the stallion's snout and said "You're invited to a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious party in Sugarcube Corner this week." Streamers then exploded from behind her. She handed the doctor and River their invitations and bounced away. After she left River said "I thought you said [Mary Poppins] didn't exist here."
"I thought so too. Well i put up the Tachyon Barrier so we can take some time off our hands. and The makeshift perception filter makes sure that uh almost everypony will not accidentally walk in the TARDIS for a joyride." said the Doctor.
"Famous last words. Doctor." The pale green pony said.
The duo left the blue box and went to explore this dimension a bit.
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Ponyville 1:10 PM
A class of fillies were studying inside a schoolhouse. Cheerilee was about to dismiss the class when Sweetie Belle raised her hoof and said "Why are you dismissing class early Miss Cheerilee?" whist scratching her lavender mane.
Cheerilee then said "Um well Sweetie Belle I have to prepare for a reunion with two of my friends."
"Were these the ponies Pinkie said she was having a party for?" Scootaloo said.
Then Apple Bloom said "And why haven't you tell us about them before?"
The schoolteacher turn her plum-colored head to the filly with the hair bow and answered "Because Apple Bloom ever since I became a teacher, we haven't got a chance to talk before now and- Wait did you said Pinkie was throwing a party for them Scootaloo?"
Scootaloo nodded head. Cheerilee dismissed the class and talked to the party pony. She went to Sugarcube Corner and found Pinkie setting up decorations. The purple earth pony said "Uh Pinkie, How many people did you tell about my friends coming here?"
The pink earth pony said "Oh not much, just my friends, and some other ponies."
"How many?" the schoolteacher said.
"Hmm lets see, there the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and some couple living in a blue box, so maybe 5?"
"Phew," sighed the schoolteacher 'For a minute i thought you'd invited all of Ponyville."
"What, No." The pink pony bounced, with her blue eyes looking at Cheerilee's green ones. "I know that this is a casual gathering silly, besides you said that they were coming Friday right. Most everypony will be busy then. The cakes have to deliver a giant cake to Canterlot, Lyra and Bon-Bon are hanging out and Rose and her friends are closing later."
"I see, well thanks Pinkie."
"No problem."
The schoolteacher had left Pinkie to her decorating.
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Canterlot 4:11 PM
A cloaked figure was sneaking around for some peculiar reason the figure didn't look like a pony but even stranger nopony actually noticed, as if she was invisible. She sneaked inside the castle and opened the doors. Inside the room a white Alicorn was standing inside. the alicorn had a flowing mane of various colors, and was easily the tallest pony so far.
"Who goes there?" said the alicorn.
"Deactivation code 6-7-β [Nocens Lupus]," The figure whispered. The cloak then grew more visible. The figure said "I wish to speak with the ruler of this land."
"And for what purpose do you want to speak to me. I can tell you are not from this world." The princess said.
"I want to warn you. Someone took something from your library and will use it to stop the flow of time."
"I see and you know this how?"
"I saw the future, that they will take the stolen parchment into my home dimension and silence had fall. I was the only one who escaped. I came here because i know of someone who had confronted threats greater then the likes of witch you never seen, and i know he's here."
"How great?"
"he had stopped the destruction of all reality at multiple times, he had saved count planets and people many times, and he had even gone out of his way to save entire species. But i don't think he can stop this threat alone."
"I see."
"As ridiculous as it sounds, i think that a specific group of individuals from this land can help him." The figure had noticed some guards are entering. and said "Tell this land's saviors to find the blue box." She then whispered "Activation code 6-7-13-α [Licentia]." and the figure vanished in a gust of wind.
When the guards arrived the figure had vanished without a trace the stallion in purple armor said "Princess Celestia is something wrong?"
"Nothing Shining Armor, I'm fine. Will you please check the Star Swirl the Bearded wing?" said the princess.
"Understood." The stallion said. the guards left and Celestia decided to write a letter to her student after she had proof of the figure's claims.
So far I'm seeing a lot of grammar issues. They make me want to take out a red pen and mark this up (I mean that in a good way; I find that kind of thing fun). Some of the descriptions should be blended into the story more. Most of them sound a little awkward. However, when you get to the characters not from this universe I'm going to want to know what they look like and which G3 characters you used. From the picture, it looks like Toola Roola and Starsong, but I thought there were three so is the other Minty? Anyways, you also mixed up your pronouns a bit; sometimes it says 'anyone' and sometimes it says 'anypony'. I understand for the Doctor, he's supposed to be human (or humanoid, something) so his universe gets away with it so either everyone uses 'everyone' or the ponies say 'everypony'.
I'm still interested in the concept and I'd be willing to help you edit if you wanted.
I'm not trying to just list all the problems. I like how it's going and I see potential. I just want the story to reach that potential.
Things I put here need another look
She Looked at a mirror in one of the stands. lowercase "l"
Her purpleish-blue mane with purple and pink streaks are not out a place we know what Twilight looks like also should be was not are
Hey Twilight, How are you doing lowercase h in how
Cheerilee said that two of her friends are visiting this week and i need to welcome them. Oh isn't this great that two new ponies are coming here this week uppercase I when refering to self
Then Fluttershy walked in with Angel on her yellow back we know what Fluttershy looks like
Hello Fluttershy, Cheerilee said that two of her friends are coming and i need to prepare the party wagon for them UC(Uppercase got tired of typeing it out) i also Pinkie has a higher chance of Hi hey hiya ect.
Inside this box The Doctor was busy tweaking some things(when) River Song walked in. She said "Hello Sweetie LC ( same as before) s in sweetie
<i>Perpendicular</i> proper way is to use that button with the slanted I when editing the story.
<i>can</i>^^
The green pony then took some books. she read her blue one witch resembled the TARDIS which not evil magic user
Well That was apocalyptic, but there was almost no way i could had predicted that LC t in that UC I for self
And then there's the world being controlled by you're longtime rival. Oh and let's not forget what happened before AND after you regenerated How does Song know that? The time wars prehaps but that other thing never happened
Imperishable Nights needs a better word
[Mary Poppins] what should this be?
Well i put up the Tachyon Barrier so we can take some time off our hands UC i for self
Um well Sweetie Belle i have to prepare for a reunion with two of my friends UC i
"Were these the ponies Pinkie said she was having a party for?" Scootaloo said. Scootaloo is in the other class Note on a second look she is not in the room in call of the cutie and there are no empty desks but in family apreciation day she is but that could be some sort of assembly side note neither scootaloo nor sweetie belle are not the bring in a family member list and Yes I did go and watch the episodes on youtube just to fact check this
The schoolteacher turn her plum-colored head to the filly with the hair bow and answered "Because Apple Bloom ever since i became a teacher, we haven't got a chance to talk before now and- we know what Cheerilee/Applebloom looks like and UC i for self
'For a minute i thought you'd invited all of Ponyville UC i for self
and was easily the tallest pony so far. would be better as by far
6-7-β [Nocens Lupus] where do I begin with this do you pronounce the dashs and number sign and the brackets again
Someone had took something from your library the had is not needed
silence had fall should be will fall be could just time travel tense trouble
I came here because i know of someone who had confronted threats greater then the likes of witch you never seen, and i know he's here UC i for self which not evil magic user
he had stopped the destruction of all reality at multiple times, he had saved count planets and people many times, and he had even gone out of his way to save entire species. But i don't think he can stop this threat alone." UC h at the start all the tims you use had should be has and countless rather than count
"Activation code 6-7-13-α [Licentia] dashs and number sign and the brackets again
Nothing Shining Armor, i'm fine UC i
will do chapter 2 tommorow
914010 OK i fixed most of the errors. Now for my reasons on the errors I've left behind:
Italic HTML code: I posted this story on deviantART first and i don't know if the site supports BBcode on literature, And i post and edit the chapers first on that site and up load it here when the chapter's complete.
Brackets: I've seen the tv tropes page "Wanton Cruelly to the Common Comma". and they seems to prefer the brackets to apostrophes for sub quotes and such.
Imperishable Night: Touhou reference and we don't know what words are going to be commonplace int he 51 century.
6-7-13-α: That last part was meant to be a unicode symbol and no the dashes are not to be pronounced.
Scootaloo in the same class: I pretty sure that even there there is one teacher. There are still multiple classes. Going by that theory, It stands to reason that The CMC had shared a class. (And that this class was not shown in the any episodes, so take is as fanon). I may consider changing it to recess if that seems like a better option.
River Song's knowledge of the events of the Doctor regeneration, The reality bomb and the year that never was: Is it too much on the suspension of disbelief to say the perhaps the Doctor simply told her about these things during one of their dates and that she wrote the stories down on her diary?
914406
this site uses [ i ][ / i ] minus spaces
about the brackets you could just remove them
ok
ok
ok
... thoses things happened to Doctor the 10th not Doctor the 11th but you do have a point.
One more thing we know what X looks like.
EDIT Well I'm looking for some supplies to study the constellations
she has a telescope and a star chart what more does she need?