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scifipony
Published Science Fiction Author and MLP G4 fanfiction writer. Like my work? Buy me a cuppa joe or visit my patreon!
scifipony
Joined 30th Jan, 2014 ·
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Well, I've finally written my own set of Starlight and DD stories, so I can get around to reading and leaving comments on other stories of that nature that I've held off on until now to avoid biasing my own story plots. By the way, there is a Double Diamond character tag now so you can tag him as well.
The idea that Unmarking wasn't a universally bad thing is intriguing and something I've employed myself, though I feel like it's tackled as in-depth as it should, considering Starlight and DD are talking in between sex so they're clearly not too concerned about getting onto business chatter. The mention of Loquacious is a big one, because it's a key to convincing Starlight that no, her Unmarking wasn't bad in itself (though how she went all megalomaniacal with power was).
I feel like you're doing too much of 'informing' Sunburst as being Starlight's soul mate. Starlight clearly has an animalistic desire for Double Diamond throughout the fic, and while it's not the best thing to build a relationship on, she also has an implied long-term character relationship with Diamond as well. Even beyond the purely physical, Starlight's PoV shows her as being smitten enough with Double Diamond that the conclusion of the story as their being merely friends with benefits feels jarring: Starlight's pairing with Sunburst has essentially been childhood friends, with only a short reunion since and another meeting and a long-term relationship. You've already crossed the line into Mature with the blatant sex, you don't need to try tip-toeing about Sunburst and Starlight.
In any event, something that would be a little bit nicer is expounding some more on Double Diamond's background. It gets a brief mention in Starlight's head, but the majority of the fic is her talking about herself, with no real trade-off of information. DD could have just as much been hiding some more things about himself, after all.