• Member Since 30th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen 13 minutes ago

scifipony


Published Science Fiction Author and MLP G4 fanfiction writer. Like my work? Buy me a cuppa joe or visit my patreon!

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Fear, guilt, and love can make you do strange unreasonable things. For once, I was able to be there for my adopted big sister, Rainbow Dash, as she worked through the stormy aftermath of the snowstorm of the century.

Role reversal can teach a young filly a lot.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 21 )

"May be later."

No space is required between there.:twilightsmile:

she is repentant."

I think Scootaloo is not vocabulary enough to know what that means at her age.:scootangel:

Loving story! How Rainbow Dash tells that 'Special Agent' part, she could join with writing books like Daring Do.:yay:

Now the weather ponies will just need a volunteer to electrocute and shove into the machine every winter and things will be just dandy.

A pretty good story, but there were a lot of spelling and grammar errors that were very distracting.

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>>EagleWings

Gosh, you're all right. I missed quite a few things, even a few missing and doubled words. Yikes.
I did another quick sweep through it. I hope I caught most of it.

Thank you, everypony for you're comments.

6299271 Mind if I point out the last mistakes?

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Feel free. I really did hash it together in about 4 hours. If it gives me an insight into problems I make speed-writing, I might see them in the next one.

I personally loved the actual episode, and the main moral of it.
But this was still a sweet little story, and it was plausible enough, so you get a favorite from me.

A few grammar errors, but actually I think it makes the story make much more sense. As it was... what six year old was supposed to understand the death metaphor anyway?

I like seeing Scootaloo help Rainbow for a change, though yea, I get why it's usually the adult mare helping the small child. It's just nice to see the roles reversed every once in a while. Good work.

I..... wow. Y-You must be able to read my mind.
Right after the episode I was thinking: "I hope that now that Tank is gone for the Winter, Rainbow Dash starts to spend more time with Scootaloo." and I also hoped that we would see Scootaloo comforting her.
The former one did happen, as "Make New Friends but Keep Discord" showed, the latter one didn't. They didn't show us. :fluttershysad:
And I said that I hope that there will be many fics about Scootaloo comforting Rainbow Dash in her time of need.
And what you wrote here, is just exactly what I hoped to see. As I said, you can read my mind.

And how you have written this fic is genius. Spot-on characterization for Scootaloo ("hardcore" is something she'd totally say in such a situation!) and her impressive ability of recognizing things that other ponies don't recognize.
Good characterization for Rainbow Dash too, like her crying we've seen in the episode, this shows that she is deep inside a sensitive mare who just hides this side of her all the time.
And I love it how you played on the feels with this fic! Letting Rainbow Dash making the connection to Scootaloo's dead parents and stop crying to not make Scootaloo cry too by reminding her on her real losses is exactly the right thing to drive you over the edge. This part made me almost breaking out in tears. Not to mention Scootaloo suppressing her desire to cry too now to be strong for Rainbow Dash.
And then Celestia..... She was badass and serious as always. When you read her lines, with her voice in your head, you can really hear the unspoken threat and her willingness to punish without mercy. Especially at this sentence by her here:

"Do more than try. You need a silver lining for your storm cloud."

Celestia does not mess around. :rainbowderp: I'm a bit scared of her now.




There's nothing to criticize about this fic, it's a five star piece!
Only thing I caught are some sentences that sound confusing, but maybe I'm in the wrong there (I'm no native speaker):

"That secret agent was you, wasn't she?"

Shouldn't it be "That secret agent was you, wasn't it?" or is the last word in such a question always the article that is usually used to refer to the person/thing in question?

She had her eyes closed tightly and tears streamed down, turning her sky blue fur indigo in streaks.

This sentence sounds like something is missing. Shouldn't it be "[...] turning her sky blue fur to indigo in their streaks." or is this me mistaking something?

She suppressed a sob and said

A letter is missing here.

"I'm not being a very good big sister."

Is "being" really supposed to be here?




Another piece for my favourites, not just because it's a Scootaloo & Rainbow Dash story (stories like that end up in my favourites by default most of the time), but also because it's one of the best written and executed fanfics I ever read in regards to characterization and dramatic.
Well done! :scootangel:

"We weren't grounded. I'll take that as a win."

I like it.

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Thank you for the critique. It's nice reading what a reader read, put so succinctly--especially when it largely reflects what I intended to get across in both the story and the characterization. Writing MLP has given me the opportunity to write stories that elicit strong emotions, and I do love to do that. Your grammar notes are correct; I'll fix those when I haven't been up for 20 hours. My worst academic class was English. So, of course, I decided to become an author...!

BTW, if you want more scary Celestia and tearful sentiment, read Lesson Learned.

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Your grammar notes are correct; I'll fix those when I haven't been up for 20 hours.

Do this, but please make sure to check back with a dictionary/grammar guide first. I'm not a native speaker, as I said, german is my native language and I still mix things up in my own stories, so I might be wrong.

And I'll read "Lesson Learned" at some point. Knowing you, it's going to be excellent. :twilightsmile:

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Feels good to be appreciated for my work. Thanks!

Glad we see Tank again in 'Do Princesses dream of Magical Sheep'

And upon rereading it, it's still sweet, but the scene with Celestia kind of diminishes my enjoyment of it, to the point where I had to remove it from my favorites.
The rest of the fic is good, so that fave becomes an upvote instead.

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Thank you for explaining your mental processes for favs and upvotes. I'm always interested in how readers interpret these critiquing tools.

I feel that learning what a reader gets out of story is more interesting than what I intended the reader to get out of it (so I won't tell you). The difference in POV between us is very instructive and may point to an issue with my writing that I may need or want to correct. With that in mind, I am really curious about this line:

the scene with Celestia kind of diminishes my enjoyment of it

What about the scene (dis)affected you?
What did you think Celestia was trying to do in the scene (that may or may not have worked).

I just want you to know that if you do answer those questions, I'll only say "Thank You for the critique" and won't elaborate. I'll answer further questions if you ask, however.

8127877 I think the main reason why it turns me off of the fic in terms of faves is because it went from a "Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash bonding" story to an "RD gets punished fic", and the two just don't mesh well together.
For me, personally, it would have worked a LOT better had it just remained a ScootaDash bonding fic, and have the scene with Celestia be it's own separate one-shot.

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Interesting. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. Thanks!

Without looking up, I said, "We weren't grounded. I'll take that as a win."

true dat

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