Keairan
Joined 5th Feb, 2012 ·
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That was ok. I thought it was an interesting take on Rarity / Sweetie ship (that almost always has Rarity as the dom, as does almost every other BDSM fic she's in).
The voices and characters seemed a little OOC though.
Now, I did like the chat at the beginning. That established it was all consensual and that this was what they both wanted. That was very good.
But, somethings did put me off. Some of the slang terms used - dong, meat-pillar etc... - seemed lifted from a cheap porno. They were off-putting to be honest.
The talk of foals in the middle of sex, while Rarity was clearly not thinking straight, was wrong. That didn't seem like Rarity had much choice, and that Sweetie wouldn't take no for an answer in any case.
Lastly have you ever been tied up? Or have you ever tied up anyone else? I only ask because after a maximum of say, four to five hours, you're ready to be released. You certainly do NOT leave your sub tied up overnight, even in - to quote you, a 'comfy hogtie'. After a few hours being bent in a U shape it hurts! The lactic acid build up in the knees alone would have her screaming in pain.
7407927
Those sure are valid points based on data the author has no reliably accurate exposure to.
If they write more stuff like this, i hope they can recall your explanation to address these issues where the audience has genuine personal experience with the planned events to be written.
7408384 Thank you. I hope the author listens.
7408395
Same, though i apologize for my underhanded sarcasm.
7408405 no need to apologise. I just wish people on here wouldn't write a story about something of which they know nothing
7408426
There's too much wrong with your sentiment to be corrected peaceably, i'll just head out the door and forget this encounter. Cya.
7407927 Your concerns are quite valid, and if I weren't writing about two obviously magical creatures with one of them being an expert in sexual magic and all of its direct magical branches, I wouldn't have added in the overnight scene. Yes, some realism was sacrificed for the sake of the scenes I wanted to write, but I would hope no one would use a three-thousand word story thrown together in less than 12 hours as a basis for their foray into a somewhat dangerous kink.
As for the silly porn words, that was as much for amusement as anything else, because if you can't laugh during sex, what's there to enjoy?
This is coming from someone who doesn't tend to like clopfics (because it's easy to fuck up) but I would like to say that this story seems so unrealistic. There doesn't seem to be any build up to why they'd want to do it and it leaves me wondering why they even decided to start doing that in the first place.
If this had a few more chapters and thousands of words showing Rarity and Sweetie eagerly wanting one another, that would've worked fine, but without any type of buildup, this is simply detailed sex. Very well detailed sex, but still just a story about sex.
If you were simply trying to go for something that people could get off to, then I guess it kind of works, but as a story it isn't very well made without a lack of buildup of why they want to have sex and where their desires for BDSM and impregnation come from.
This is just my opinion though, and if you want to make clopfics in the future, explanation goes a long way to making something decent good.
Hope this get's you thinking! (This is just constructive criticism, please don't get angry with me.) :)
7409826 I'd also think it's necessary to say that I don't hate clopfics just for being clopfics.
7409833 Oh, that's fine. I actually do have a much broader world in mind that I'm currently working on that this is drawn from.
7410019 Thank you for being a good sport :)
What do you mean by broader world?
7410338 Storyline that sets up this short window, along with many other windows. Will be extremely cloppy when I get around to it, but it will have a story.
7410420 Ah, I see. Glad to see you doing that! Hope your next stories get better!
*fapfapfapfapfapfapfap* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, SHAT AND SPRINKLES ON A DOUGHNUT, WHY DO THE AFTERMATHS HURT SO MUCH, ISIT BECAUSE THIS IS THE CULMINATION OF ALL MY FETISHES
that means you did PERFECTLY!
7408426
Then there'd be considerably fewer stories to enjoy on this site. That may be your wish but it is beyond pretentious and you would do better to keep an opinion like that to yourself in a writing community. These stories are all fiction, based on fantasy - as a reader it is your responsibility to not be TOO technical. Or are you going to describe why magical beings in a universe with different laws of physics can't do anything normal humans can't do?
For that matter overnight bondage isn't even impossible. Just incredibly painful from my knowledge, and I've known a few subs who've enjoyed such an experience.
What does futa mean
7435660 Futanari, Japanese for Hermaphroditism, though in this case it's specific for someone who shows both primary sexual characteristics. Basically one of the characters is a chick with a dick and vag.
7436058 the more you know
7435660 I don't know the direct translation but it basically a female with a penis and optionally with balls.
nice work