Equestria is dying, falling apart, and Celestia tasks the Mane 6, Spike, and Discord, to venture to the unknown Outlands to retrieve the Reviving Seed, which can save the dying kingdom. But, once they make it there, they make a terrible discovery.
Friendship there doesn't exist. Twilight thinks it's preposterous, but it was true. Here, only distrust and betrayal layed. And worse, the ruler of the Outlands wasn't exactly a friendly king. But the deeper they go, the more the darkness creeps in. What's worse, they aren't exactly welcomed there.
Will the group make it out alive with the Seed? Will Discord once again betray the Mane 6? Will Twilight loose her friends? Read to find out.
*P.S the reason for the gore tag is due to torture content in future chapters. However this ain't Cupcakes were Pinkamena rips the organs outta Rd. Now just blood and torture content, no gore. But just to be on the safe side, I already warned ya. If you guys think I should remove the gore tag, just tell me.*
Great start to your first fan fic! And it has all the “seeds” to develop into a strong tale. So Equestria needs a plant called the Flower of Life to survive? Interesting. I hope you’ll expand on this concept a bit more over the coming chapters.
Your dialogue pretty solid for everyone (or should I say “every pony”).
It’s another average day in Ponyville, until trouble arises. Yep, we’re in Equestria all right.
I do have a few suggestions to help strengthen the story further. Hopefully the oncoming stream of feedback is more helpful than intimidating. I really am enjoying your work:
-Since the Flower of Life’s death sets off the trouble in Equestria, you might consider giving us some narration on how the event happened at the very beginning. For instance, where is the flower? Were there any ponies or other important characters around who witnessed it wilting? Or did one of the princesses, like Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, find out about it through another means? This could help you to establish the lore needed for your story right away, introduce a problem that needs solving, build suspense, and provide a “narrative hook” to pull in your readers.
-Make sure to slow down enough to orient your readers. You do a good job establishing where Twilight is at the start of her involvement in the story, as waking up in the morning at her palace. The transitions between there and her going to Fluttershy’s cottage, and then to Canterlot feel kind of rushed.
Since this seems to be from the third-person limited point of view, where we follow Twilight specifically and her own reactions to what’s happening, you can take more time to explain things such as why she would automatically blame Discord for the bizarre happenings in Ponyville. Are these events set somewhere around Season 4 or Season 5? Depending on the answer, Twilight might feel more or less inclined to believe Discord had a claw/paw in the trouble. You can also use her reactions to continue pulling readers into the story. Help us to understand more of what’s going on in Twilight’s head, and allow us to absorb more details from the setting or characters around her.
Time to read Chapter 2!
Comments on Chapter 2:
Ah, I love the interaction between Applejack and Apple Bloom! You nailed their relationship—as well as the dialogue for each of the ponies in this chapter. Pinkie Pie has all her usual exuberance (and tendency to blurt out a summary of the issue). But one thing I especially liked was how Applejack stood up for Discord here. It was a pleasant surprise that she was the first one to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Some notes:
-“Rainbow Dash” is two words.
-Who is “Amethyst Maresbury?”
-What is the point of view for this chapter? You seemed to shift from the third-person limited (where the focus is more on Applejack’s reactions or thoughts) to third-person, omniscient (where you also briefly give us a look into Twilight and Candace’s thought processes). My suggestion would be to choose one or the other, and give us more narrative details about what’s going on around the dialogue (which is one of the strongest points of your writing).
Ah, and off the gang goes to the Outlands!
On to Chapter 3. ;3
Hmm. The plot thickens, and apparently the Out Lands are unlike any place the ponies have ever seen. It also sounds like the inhabitants they’ve just met know enough about Discord to recognize his species (hinting that perhaps they’ve seen others of his kind, or perhaps have heard legends about him in particular). This could lead to some interesting world-building.
Notes:
-If Twilight has never gone sailing before, and they’re out on the ocean for days without any sense of direction, these ponies are not “almost lost.” They are lost.
-The transition from the ponies crashing their boat to getting washed up on the shores is kind of rushed. My suggestion would be to slow down and give us more details about how these things each happened. For example, perhaps they couldn’t see anything in the mist—except for Pinkie—but did the impact completely destroy the boat? Did it evaporate, perhaps? And did something knock Twilight on the head, so that when she regained consciousness she found they had all been shipwrecked?
-A pony with flame wings. Cool.
-Once again, the dialogue was great. I laughed when the ponies were bickering, and then of course they had made up by the end. So that was nice as well.
I’m looking forward to Chapter 4!
7498471
Hey thanks for the feedback. And honestly, this is set like right after season 4 but before season 5. Also yes all will be explained on how the Flower of Life has died but with time. I really love that you're giving me pointers and would love it if you could help me edit the next few chapters just tell me how to send my next chapters to you so you could edit them cause I am brand new to this site. Also all will be explained later on as to why Twilight blamed Discord well, obviously I got the idea from the premiere of season 4 Princess Twilight Sparkle where she immediately just blames Discord just because it's what's the word, oh yeah. Chaotic.
7498764 You're welcome! And of course I'd be glad to help you edit the next few chapters, when you have them available. The best way to reach me, with chapters you haven't posted yet, is probably by PM (the personal mail system on Fimfiction.net.
Do you see the line of items near your icon, which list things such as how many stories you've written and how many followers you have? One of those is a mail icon, which someone who visited your page could use to send you a PM. If you wanted to send me a PM, you could go to my homepage and click on the mail icon there. And the message would go directly to me.
I can also send you a note to establish our message stream (like how we would exchange emails, pretty much). You should be able to copy-and-paste each chapter into the body of the message, since I'm not aware of being able to attach the Microsoft Word files.
7499672
Thank you!!! When I'm done with the next chapter I will send it to you!!
7499744 Wonderful! I read and just sent you the comments on it. ;3
P.S. Thanks for the watch as well!
I LOVE IT! If you need any help on the story, just let me know. :)
7504176
Well yes I do need your help when the melancholy and torture filled chapters come up kay? I'll tell you when they do and I'll send them to you so you could help me.
7504429
Great. :) Thanks. :)
7504549
Want me to send it to you now? See cause I already posted most of this fanfic on Google+ but, want to see those chapters now?
7504560
That will be great. :)
7504176
Also I was wondering, if you made your own cover how do you add it to your story?
7515850
Can you be specific?
7515955
Example I have this cover for my fanfic "Visions", how do upload it?
7516008
Go to edit mode. The when you find Cover Art, you can see the button to insert your image.
7516092
I tried but it didn't work.
7516108
That's odd. I can't think of any other ideas at the moment unfortunately.
7516189
That's okay. You tried
Will Fluttershy and Discord be badass in this story?
7517070
Nah. I don't really think so. I was going to ship them but, then decided not to do it. The events of that would be bizzare. So no, they won't.
Ah, and here is your next chapter posted. :3 I like how you handle the conversations, particularly between Twilight, Discord, Fluttershy, and Torrid. The world-building of these Outlands is also interesting. During the series, we've mostly seen a few select places around Equestria, but your story takes us to the world beyond it. Nice!
For some reason, I can't access your google plus account
7828882 problem is that I was hacked so yeah. My G+ account got erased from existence.....
7829383 Oh no! You gonna fix it?
I know my friend who got his bank account hacked too.
Hoping this gets added to.
It needs some work, but I can see a intentional good story and lore in this one. If you come back to this.
Introducing some characters and suddenness of transitioning to new places seems a bit too fast, may want to add to on to stretch it out a bit, or at a big space or icon to indicate the transition, perhaps different symbols, say you you're going from twilight's group to Celestia and Luna and their condition back at canterlot, like a Sun and Moon for them, A star/twinkle for Twilight with her group. There is also grammar issues I noticed. Rainbow Dash is two words, not a combined.
I'm excited to see more updates on this.
7936774 thanks