All couples have a story of their first night toghther - this is Mr and Mrs Cake's story of that night
(Each chapter is posted twice - once form Mrs.Cake's POV, and once fromm Mr.Cakes POV)
Edited by Otaku250
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 26th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen May 26th, 2021
keam
Neardy little fanfic reader who is trying to make her own. Love talking and you can allways feel free to send a PM.
keam
Joined 26th Oct, 2013 ·
Offline
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Yet it's E-rated.
Nice story!
I'll keep reading as long as it does not turn 'M'
7074927
Gah I didn't mean it like that!
7075029 I peomise,it won't turn M. T at most.
I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of romance stories, but this one was a really enjoyable afternoon read, gave me a small laugh here and there. I like how simple the plot itself is, unfurling slowly and building up the atmosphere. The similar, yet different POVs are a great feature as well
The only thing I'd point out is your tendency to cram too much information into one, nearly paragraph-long sentence. It can get a little confusing at times and forces the reader to read the part again. Those can be usually split and reworded into a few shorter sentences effectively. Just a few examples of what I have in mind:
Other than this, I only noticed a typo here and there, as well as some punctuation issues. I can tell you more in a PM if you wish, along with correction and explanation. I don't like mentioning one-time typos in comments, leaving them there even once corrected. Puts the story in quite a bad light.
Thank you for this story!
-Ever
8308229
Hi! Thank you for your comment! I can say myself that reading is quite embaressing, for it was a long while since I wrote these fanfics. I can ensure you i got more experience nowadays, and if you wish to read better works that I have done I can redirect you to my fanfiction.net acc as well as my ao3, name being pearlislove on both <3
8310645
Hello there
I don't have an account on this sites so I couldn't leave comments there, but I'll make sure to check some of your works out.
Still, even for an old story, this was pretty good, really
8310687
I am very happy you think that. I was proud of it at the time
Thank you!
8310805
Heh, you're welcome
Also, planning more ponies in the future or sticking just to Fantastic Beasts and Miss Peregrine?
8310840
yeah.
And Doctor Who (archives of our own)!