Life is going well for Gordon. Two years ago he won the jackpot on the lottery and decided to build his dream home in the Yorkshire countryside. 6 months after moving in, he wakes up one day and realises that either the hills have moved, or he has.
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Interesting, fave
I like it, especially with the fact that Celestia has a extreme hate for humans, enough to tear through her 'princess mask'. Cant wait for more.
Interesting prospect. Let's see how Gordon will interact with the other girls.
I like it! I want another, but first there is a few problems with spelling and one is in the first paragraph. Would tell you the rest but I am in a hurry. Again, I like it so far.
I think you meant 'Gordon'. So far, this story is decent enough. I tend not to like Xenolestia stories, but I'll give this a shot.
7045877 I'll change them. They're characters from my other stories.
Lets see where this goes
is a good start regardless a few grammar errors, I am curious about how it evolves
A song for him to play to Celestia
YAY!
Oh I think this is going to interesting... I can see a lot of bad things happening to this here human, he has a long way to go before he can prove that he is not a monster as the ponies believe....
This will be interesting to read. I look forward for more.
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Can I PM you a suggestion for this story?
7049514 Sure.
Okay, this might prove interesting. Enough so to get onto my tracking list. But it's got some issues...
A big one is the way you switch between present and past tense. Stick to one or the other please. No mixing and matching!
Secondly, Gordon is, thus far, kind of a bland punching bag with little personality. His reaction to finding himself confronting aliens in his house is... Wondering how they know he's a human? Seriously?
Okay, he's known these people for, what, all of fifteen minutes? And his big concern is not getting them into trouble? Seriously? Let's count the crimes committed thus far by ponies against poor, bland Gordon. We've got Trespassing, Breaking and Entering (A felony), Assault and Battery (another felony), kidnapping (a federal felony) and another case of assault... while he's strapped down to a hospital bed no less. Oh, and threats of lifelong imprisonment, though I'm not quite sure what statute that would fall under...
Now, I'm not saying that there aren't extenuating circumstances, or that Celestia should be charged with Assault... I'm saying this to point out that poor, bland Gordon has been torn from his home, confronted with an alien species, assaulted, kidnapped, strapped down to a bed, threatened, snubbed, freed, fled from, and finally returned to him domicile... And his response to all of this madness is to...
Offer some of the locals tea. And caramel crispies.
Yeeeahhh... I'm going to chalk that up to shock, and hope that future chapters will have Gordon responding to his new situation a tad bit more like a real human being.
It's an interesting idea, and I hope it proves interesting in future chapters.
And now I have some plans for Reformation. Excuse me while I go type now.
Quick, scattered typing
Not even cake would lift her mood now.
BitchDont Deserve cake !but cake...
BitchNO!!!I like this so far. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Peaked my interests.
Very Interesting, will follow.
Definately looking forward to more, Just hoping for a bit more character development for the main character. I can buy his reactions toward the end being a result of shock, but once that wears off no one would be that laid back about whats been done and how he's being treated.
Okay, I really want to say it's a good story, and I only read the first chapter, but to me it was painful while still keeping me engaged enough to fight through...
It IS written rather decently, do not think that it isn't because of my preferences or following comment(s).
I found it painful to read because of the rather overt use of the present tense throughout the chapter I've read insofar. Its more a nitpick on my part really, it's just a way of writing I seldom encounter, and as such I find it feels wrong while reading it in such. Also you switched between the primarily present tense and the past tense as well, another minor note that interrupted the flow.
My second big issue is the relative pacing, while it IS just the first chapter, the pacing went 3, to 10, then back to 3, and up to 7. All in the space of a couple thousand words. Something to look into at least.
So far I do like the premise though. I will read the next chapter when I am able.
Over all, despite being a little on the cliche side, this has potential. However, it needs a lot of work. For one, a lot of it reads like stereo instructions. Have you heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? It means don't just list off a bunch of facts, but introduce them through context. Take this example;
Tell; "Joe made a Screwdriver"
Show; "Twilight watched curiously as Joe poured a measure of something that looked like water from a bottle labeled 'Smirnoff' into a cup, followed by an equal amount of orange juice and stirred."
Which is more interesting to read? Also, some things could be spread out. The house didn't need to be described all at once. Just say it was his three story dream house, and bring up details as they come up in the story.
The second issue is perspective. Even in third person, it's best to keep the perspective of one character or group of characters. For example, when Celestia first met Gordon, the perspective was following her. This means it would be best to write according to what she knows. She doesn't know Gordon's name, so it is best not mentioning it until he tells her. Likewise, when following his perspective, write according to what he knows.
Third, some of the dialogue is rather stiff and mechanical. Try reading the dialogue out loud in character. That can help you know if it sounds natural. Also, the interactions can be very disjointed and odd. This is another reason to read out the dialogue.
Fourth, the pacing is all over the place. It's like a literary roller-coaster, and not in a good way. Admittedly, this is one of the hardest aspects of writing. Almost every writer has or has had problems with pacing. It's just one of those things you need practice with.
Fifth, Celestia is borderline OOC. While it could be explained by what humans did in the past, it can only just be passable if approached right.
Finally, grammar. My grammar isn't the best, so I won't go into detail, but he worst is the tense changes. You constantly switch from past to present tense and it can be distracting.
I'll track for now, but I'm hoping to see some improvement.
P.S. Considering what humans have done in the past, Luna is honestly foolish to just let him go. It would make more sense for her to confine him to his home unless escorted by royal guard. This would serve not only to ensure he didn't do anything wrong, but to protect him from harm by others who believe him to be evil.
P.P.S. Gordon Gresley? I see you went to the Marvel School of Naming People .
P.P.P.S. Maybe it's a European thing, but what the hell is a snooker table?
pretty good so far a little cliche but ehh
keep being awesome
Whelp, that's enough of getting angry at a fictional story for tonight.
Very good so far keep up the good work
Touche dear Luna, touche.
2 12 go graphics cards???
Well I definitely didn't see Celestia being the one who has a problem with humans
The TV is one of the latest. A 60 inch 4K Ultra HD behemoth that gives crystal clear pictures. He got the same type of TV for other rooms in the house also. His games consoles sat beneath. His Xbox One, Xbox 360, PS4, Wii U all had their own shelf. His Gaming PC was custom built and packed a punch. It had an i7 8 core Processor, three 12GB graphics cards and a 2TB SDD
Gordon's reaction
My reaction
7186312 snooker is like pool or billiards however there are more rules and more snooker balls the structure of the game is much more formal than pool but is also more challenging
7817612 I love how the first comment I see is about snooker. So out of context that it tickles my ribs.
Interesting... Keep it up.
Also good one with things at the start. "Build monster of a custom pc= play mine sweeper" XD
While your writing style is a bit weird to me, this story has intriuged me. I will continue reading.
First story I've seen where ponies have an understandable reason to be mysanthropic,
I'd have a hard time trusting humans if they went inquisition on my people
You have captured my attention. Well done for a first chapter. I look forward to more and will be adding this story to my libraries for further reading.
See you next chapter,
Shadow Quill, Messenger of the Moon.
Sounds like Muslims
FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU CELESTIA! ALSO RAINBOW AND APPLEJACK.
Love this story.
Fuck, he sounds like a low-key little bitch only when it comes to his descriptions. Chuck Norris would stare at the sun until it moved out his line of sight, he wouldn't blink at celestabitchs rage. Can't fault him on the situation though since you know... His hands were literally tied.
So all that money and he doesn't have a gun?
Then again in this situation it wouldnt have helped much, but just knowing its there would have made me feel better about my safety.
9324599
It's the U.K. not 'MERICA
9348407
Doesn't the UK allow for people to own rifles?
Again with the helpless, weak and pathetic protagonists this cite loves to make. I know it’s realistic and shit, but when your protagonist cries because he was slap in the face in “THE FIRST FUCKING CHAPTER” it doesn’t inspire confidence in the fic. So here is where I leave. I wish you luck in your fic and hopefully Gordon will grow a pair someday.
9868203
Gordon is anything but those things.
This was a awesome and a little sad I hope does meet his mom again one day
I also soon he can be friends with Celestia and more soon.
I've read this story a couple of times now but I'm still really glad the author isn't on the raribitch train like so many other authors have
Imma just say this right now... this seems very rushed and incomplete. Was this on purpose?
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9868203
He didn't cry, his eyes were watery do to the pain. It is a common and natural response. And I would like to see how you would respond to a full powered slap from a person who can crush boulders with a punch. Especially after repeated blows to the back of the head powerful enough to knock you out. This isn't a typical 'I bought an item now I am an all powerful god' type of story. This is a story of a normal person, who is sent to another realm. If the main character gets stronger it will be do to story development, not OP 'displaced' malarkey.