Life is going well for Gordon. Two years ago he won the jackpot on the lottery and decided to build his dream home in the Yorkshire countryside. 6 months after moving in, he wakes up one day and realises that either the hills have moved, or he has.
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Another great chapter from an amazing story good job.
but it was originally called soccer by all of europe..... it wasnt called football till much later
God, now I want to go to a Red Lion. Haven't been to one in years and I'm not even sure if any are left.
Here is the theory:Before the shit hits the fan in relationship between humans and ponies, Celestia was in a relationship with a man. Fruit of this were a twins, one was a pony (Blueblood and Cadence ancestor) and one was a man (Gordon ancestor).When genocyt begun, father stole his child and went back (somehow) to Earth.Over time Celestia forgotten about it or she set up itself a mental block (She thought that they were killed and loss of a child = painful memories,so she seal them).
This would also explain why she don't have any/much happy memories related with humans.By the way, this means that our main character still had a family, even in this world. What will certainly helped him and it made him a prince. Public reaction...........Priceless
What do you think?
7634658 There's one in my village! Sandiacre
Jesus, how much did all of those cars cost in total? For some reason, I thought the previous Humans were Crusaders, but the name Vladimir threw that theory out the window.
7634700 Wow. That's deep.
The Wonderbolt's Derby should be very interesting now.
Well, looking over all the other universally positive reviews, I see that no one else is going to stand up and do what must be done. So I guess it will have to be me. I'm going to have to do something I almost never do: be harshly critical of someone else's work. Please understand that I do this not to be mean. As a matter of fact, if I hadn't enjoyed the earlier chapters and thought this story had some potential, I wouldn't bother commenting at all.
First off, I must point out that you are traveling down a dark, miserable, and well traveled road. That of the Mary Sue (Or Marty Stu in this case.)
In the first few chapters I figured that Gordon was a fairly normal Everyman, who just happened to luck out in hitting two lotteries... One to win millions of pounds, and one to be teleported to Equestria. He also came across as slightly autistic, given his somewhat muted reaction to things happening to / around him. But okay, I can roll with that. There is some potential here.
Now let's look at the last few chapters. Suddenly, it turns out that Gordon is a soldier! Despite giving no previous hint of his vocation, or exhibiting any military traits! Okay, I can maybe buy him being a grunt... But that's not awesome enough! He was actually an officer! A highly ranked officer! A highly ranked officer with lots of medals! Including *gasp* A Victoria Cross!
So he's a decorated military vet, one of the handful of recipients of the VC who hasn't receiver it posthumously, AND he's the winner of a massive lottery.
Oh, and he's also a Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do. Because of course he is. Being a mere brown belt wouldn't have been nearly awesome enough!
And of course the three stallions he beats the snot out of happen to be the Most Wanted criminals in Equestria! Because them being ordinary criminals and rapists wouldn't have been awesome enough! They're super criminal rapists, who are skilled, prepared, and clever enough to outwit the Royal Guard! Which I suppose is pretty believable, since they are least recognized a human right off the bat. As opposed to the Royal Guard noticed Gordon's lack of invitation several minutes before registering the fact that he was a 'dangerous monster.' I get the impression that they'd have let Discord riding a Manticore in if he'd had an invitation...
Regardless, he easily beats up the would be rapists, rescuing the distressed damsel... Who of course is Spitfire's sister! It wouldn't have been nearly awesome enough if it was just some poor random soul he saved!
It's like you're going down a list of Mary Sue attributes and checking them off one by one. The only thing you missed is having him rescue a baby from a burning building while everyone watches on in horror.
Now, I could spend a bunch of time nitpicking a bunch of other little issues, most of which boil down to characters holding Idiot Balls the size of the moon, but I'm going to skip all that to focus on the other biggest issue with your writing: It's too telly.
Repeat after me: Show, don't tell. Show, don't tell. SHOW! Don't TELL!
This story still has a lot of potential! But so much of it is squandered because we don't get to see any of it, we're just told about it!
Gordon was angry. Gordon was sad. Gordon told them how he got earned his medals. Gordon told played a prank on somepony. Gordon returned to earth and told everyone about his magical adventures in Ponyland, then lived happily ever after. This is like the outline of a story, not the story itself!
SHOW us how Gordon feels! The way his eyes narrow in anger, or his eyebrows furrow in concern! Have him look away when describing painful memories of the past, say how he clears his throat in embarrassment! Ditto for everyone else! Don't just say "The four ponies were astonished to hear this tale. To commit such an act goes well above the call of duty and as far as they were concerned, Gordon's VC was well deserved." That's a perfectly acceptable place holder for the paragraph or two you're going to write to make the audience see how they feel!
Well, I think that's more than enough poking holes in all of your hard work. I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh. But to quote Shakespeare, I must be cruel to be kind. I have enjoyed your story, especially the earlier chapters, and I hope to enjoy the future one as well. Good luck with your writing!
Finally a chapter. Cant wait for the next one :D
7634700 makes sense if you think about it
I predict that the humans from 800 years ago were nights from the crusades also I agree with The Cyan Recluse that Gordon is becoming a Gary Stue I would suggest adding another human character that is or has some kind of gangster viv arond him maybe American and gets together with Rarity like Gordon is RainbowDash I think that would be a really funny opposites attract situation and they could bond over a mutual love of looking their best and gold jewelry and like Gordon he had money but from his success as an up and coming rapper and some of the ponies feel worried about him despite their time with Gordon because of his casual behavior about violence his don't give a fuck attitude and his assortment of guns wich gets Gordon scared he'll ruin everything for him and it doesn't help that he's also so annoying I've already imagined this and think it would be really funny
Nice chapter but when will the next page be put up
7686318 I'm about to start it. It should be done almost definitely this month though.
would love to see more after Chrismas and New Years.
7808921
The next chapter will be out later today.
If I know Spitfire...
PLEASE don't tell me me his fallen compatriot was named Thomas...or James...or Henry...or the rest
What's all this then?
7635580 thank you.
I can't wait for Gordon to meet the literal royal pain in the 'arse', Prince Blueblood
I feel like I'm reading a big advertisement for fifa. And I think the writer may be a brit just getting off while thinking about what he would want if he had money. Seeing all these real world brands and whatnot; it really takes away from the story.
8454371
I agree, the wall of text really gets in the way of the story.
(likely stemming from my personal dislike for its popularity) I would say its popularity has to do with a sort of vicious cycle that prevents other sports from getting a piece of the hype: Another sport's announcement does not get that much attention, less people attend, it makes less money, there will be a lower budget for advertisement, back to the start.
And I also think people should not throw riots over someone kicking a ball.
On a different note: here are some (potential) errors I noticed:
‘I left’
To the BAOC? (very uncertain about this one)
has
‘asked to be’
has
The other what?
I feel like there is a missing ‘it’.
but
‘putting the game on?’
Missing comma.
you're
I do not think the ‘was’ should be there.
Remove the second ‘you’.
One ‘as well’ too many.
The syntax feels off.
I kinda hope soccer stops being much of a thing in this story. Not a fan. I tried watching it and it bore me to tears.
8985366
I can name several sports including Lacrosse that I'd watch before I ever watch soccer again.
What am I supposed to call American football then?
My brother
9773287
Handball? If anything, American Football utilises more hand than foot.
This was a heart warming and pumping chapter. I'm happy he saved that mare.
Am I the only one that wouldn't have lifted a finger and simply walked away? I can't be the only one.
Im a firm believer that you get what you have coming to you, and this society is like a rotten tree. It looks pristine from the outside and just as strong and majestic as you expect, but on the inside its hollow and rotten and waiting for a simple outside force to topple it.
Also Im a firm believer that, "No good deed goes unpunished." While things do go well, in my personal experience the opposite is true more often than not.
Treat me well and Im your best friend. Treat me poorly, and Ill watch your house burn sitting comfortably in a lounge chair with some popcorn as chaos ensues.
The Monk
I think Knight Breeze fits perfectly here.
“Not telling you too much about humanity's special power, but I can give you a big hint! It is pure, concentrated spite.” -Knight Breeze
Amazing chapter. Amazing story.
I was worried Gordon would get jumped and put in the hospital. I'm glad he didn't.
My grandfather and great-grandfather were in the military, American and United Kingdom respectively. My father was in the US Air Force, too. Needless to say I come from a military family. My best friend, who is the father of my goddaughter, was a US Marine. I tried to get into the military but I'm not exactly the most mentally stable person so I was denied, but it's fine because I loathe violence. I really liked what you did with Gordon's service record. If there's one thing I respect above all else it's somepony who has served their country. I mean just because I wasn't able to serve, and afterwards realized how much I don't like violence, that doesn't mean I can't support our brave soliders.
How the fuck did he afford those off lottery winnings? He would have had to find some absolute bargains to afford that kind of collection.
10795398
Easily with the amount he won (UK lottery winnings aren't taxed).
10795519
"UK lottery winnings aren't taxed"
Fuck that must be nice lmao