Just a brony learning how to make good stories. I love kingdom Hearts and other fantasy based games.
A new pony arrive in Ponyvile and already seems mysterious. Blaze Gun is looking for peace and quiet but he might just find something more. Join him and his quest to find peace. Will he find it or enemies of his past get him before he can?
Timeline: years after season 5
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You're new here, so I'll just let you know that you might want to look into working with one of the editors on the site. Your title and description are both missing some capitalization, and the obvious question in your description is missing a question mark. That sort of thing tends to steer people away from stories if it doesn't get fixed.
*flips gas mask onto face* I'm gonna read this story, guys.
Welp. First sentence. Four ellipses and general teenage angst.
I don't think I can quote all this story without going insane, so I'll summarize each paragraph.
Caution: Long Post Ahead!
Paragraph One: Our protagonist explains how his heroics go unappreciated. He quits.
Paragraph two: Protagonist, "Blaze Gun", reveals his name and exits.
Paragraph three: Four unnecessary sentences of Ponyville exposition. Twilight is reading a book. Unnecessary exposition about her appearance. She hears a crash.
Paragraph five: Twilight swears mildly and runs through her huge castle. Flash Sentry (her unnecessarily described husband) has crashed into the library, along with Twilight's illogically colored alicorn daughter, Twinkles Wish.
Paragraph six: Twilight asks what's going on. Twinkles and Flash have been trying alchemy for some reason, and argue about potion ingredients (for some reason).
Paragraph seven: Twilight makes her family clean up the library. Snarky comments ensue.
Paragraph eight: Dude in suit appears in alley.
Paragraph nine: Dude is a unicorn. He looks at a map before breaking the fourth wall obviously. Argues with author, is treated as right. Horses can too walk. Blaze (the dude) sneaks away, before talking to the sky (author), ruining the point of his sneaking. I question Blaze's sanity at this point. Then again, I always did, just a little.
Paragraph ten: More fourth-wall breaking, author/OC conversation ensues as author discuss what is/isn't lazy writing. I pity and envy you at the same time for you obliviousness. Author explains that OC is universally hated for no reason. Blaze is surprised by his own actions.
Paragraph eleven: Blaze gets apprehended. Shining Armor (unnecessarily described and also illogical), some guards, and a Rainbow Dash come against him.
Paragraph twelve: Blaze breaks the fourth wall. Shining and company react appropriately. Blaze fights Rainbow Dash and breaks the fourth wall.
Paragraph thirteen: A video inserted into the chapter to destroy any immersion the readers had left (not a lot). Blaze compliments the author. Author reacts appropriately.
Paragraph fourteen: Fight scene in which the ponies attack Blaze one at a time, for some reason. Blaze brutally mutilates a guard for no reason whatsoever.
Paragraph fifteen: Blaze further damages the poor guard. Rainbow and Blaze stare confidently at each other.
Paragraph sixteen: Blaze fights Rainbow as time slows down. He kicks her butt and destroys the remaining guards. Shining yells a cliche line at Blaze, despite provoking the fight. I assume this to be to make Blaze look like the paragon of virtue.I also think killing things isn't the best answer.
Paragraph seventeen: Blaze Gun (who has a stupid name, by the way) breaks the fourth wall. He then slaughters the other two guards. Shining asks Blaze's intentions, receives vague answer.
Paragraph eighteen: Blaze and Shining brawl. Blaze uses a spell he shouldn't be able to; No explanation is given. Vague excuse is provided. Rainbow Dash is still capable, which merely frustrates Blaze.
Paragraph nineteen: Blaze shoots a "magic arrow" at Shining, which pierces his strongest special-talent spell. No explanation is given.
Paragraph twenty: Rainbow does a Sonic Rainboom (misspelled). Blaze dodges somehow. Time slows down. He knocks Rainbow out, no explanation.
Paragraph twenty-one: Blaze lightly discusses the poor quality of the fight scene with the author while healing himself. Author gives "Nooblet excuse". Another stupid guard attempts to fight Blaze, fails laughably.
Paragraph twenty-two: Blaze takes off his clothes, revealing his full edgy appearance. He is red and black with a dragon cutie mark; Nopony is surprised. Blaze then takes a train to Ponyville.
Paragraph twenty-three: Twinkles talks to Owlowicsious, who should have died of old age by now. Twinkles goes to sleep, unaware of the edgy crap-storm that's about to happen.
*wearing full hazmat suit* Okay then. I feel accomplished for reading this grammar-less pile of story in one go. I need more medals.
6977850 Preach, my friend, preach.
TodayIWriteFanFic first off i'm a rookie writer. Second your entitled to your own opinion so i don't care. third Blaze will use the moves again in a different event and explain to the readers how do he did that. Also about that move he some how can't well he learned a little bit of dark magic. For the killing guards, he sometimes lose himself in battle. Also Twinkles will make sure he doesn't kill...as least make sure killing isn't the first option he chose
So much edge and wangst.
6978634 This is what I like to call the "nooblet excuse"; Saying that you're new/young/a rookie and expecting special treatment. Your status as a rookie doesn't improve this story, correct the grammar, or make it any more bearable in general. My suggestion? Get a proofreader next time. One who has the highest tolerance on earth.
6978634 Also... Do I detect ship forshadowing? Nooooooooooooooooo!
6978947
Well you know what they say about Rookies. You give them a 85% percent chance to hit and they panic before shooting your best soldier in the head...
...Wait, wrong type of Rookie. My bad carry on.
6985143 That comment was funnier that the entirity of this "comedy story" combined.
6988894
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I have seen many critiques on this story and they are correct, although I think there is one more to add. You had Flash and Twilight married and have a daughter. That will always stir the pot with some people and for those who look past the poor grammar and your OC, that will be an issue.
Okay. I actually think this plot is quite fun.
I'm no proofreader, but I have a just few things to point out:
Note: I'm also correcting other grammar errors in the sentences I'm going to mention
-Story titles should be capitalized. But you're not alone on this one, I see some story titles out there that aren't capitalized either.
-You're/your: "You're" literally means "You are" and "Your" is when something belongs to "you." So instead of
try "Hmmm... Maybe you're right." You're not alone on this one either, it's a common grammar mistake.
-Description: Try not to be overly descriptive. You can describe Blaze in full detail because he's your OC, but we are bronies, so we already know what the major cannon characters like Twilight look like. Try to shorten the description up a bit on the cannons.
-Action: Don't use ** in stories, period. Writing the actions after the talking is a more professional idea.
Example:
Try: "What?" Rainbow shook her head. "Listen, I'm in a rush, so just give up so we can all go home."
-Rainbow Dash gets beat up. Normally, this won't be a problem, but Rainbow is one of the beloved Mane Six characters, so this will probably be a problem to most bronies. (Some people may disagree with me on this one) This applies to the Royal Guards as well. They were just trying to serve and protect. (Unless Blaze is some kind of antagonist, but he seems like a protagonist to me.)
EDIT: Oh I didn't pay enough attention, I forgot he said he was going evil XD silly me
-Past tense: This story is mostly written in past tense, so I think you should keep it that way.
Instead of
Try: Blaze used the force of the shock wave and swung the blade around at high speed and kicked Rainbow with his hind leg. The kick sent Rainbow through a building and she landed a few blocks away and passed out.
-I would usually say Blaze is OP, but this is the first chapter and I can't judge now.
Overall, great plot, nice idea. Just needs grammar and spelling check.
I actually like the 4th wall breaking, it makes the story interesting IMO.
By the way, I've been here before. I don't have stories on this site, but I've written some before and they were chalk-full of grammar errors and I didn't even notice until I did some research and got some criticism.
This is so bad, I just, just,
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Holy damn, I can't remember the last time I've seen a story with ZERO likes. Let alone one that was published this year and has maintained it for going on four months.
6978634 media.giphy.com/media/10hfegXGKVRVNm/giphy.gif
6977974 You deserve them.
7386837 Why, thank you! Just doing good work for the morbidly curious of this fandom!
7386887 They come with bleach.
7386897
7386887 Now, after reading this fic, it's pretty bad. But there is no reason to go hating on it as much as you two are. It's unesseccary and rather rude. The author DID mention as you guys said, he's new. How were your first stories like, if you even wrote any? We all start somewhere, no need to put other people down.
I sucked too when I began. I didn't know to separate paragraphs when a new person spoke, I had pathetic dialogue, and it's been two years since then and my best fic, on my main account has 168 up votes and 3 down votes. A pretty good rating. Maybe this person will end up doing the same? Maybe even better. You'll ruin his confidence before he even gets the second chapter of his fic out if you keep up the rude attitude you have.
Seems to be you enjoy being trolls. Well, I'll have to say it ends here. You have no reason to be like this, no motive, just a way to make a good laugh over what, exactly? A good troll done well? Is that it, you like to upset other people? That's a rather crappy thing to do, and there's nothing you can say to make it look any better, since you are obviously making fun of this person.
Learn to grow up and be respectful, since neither of you are well matured, since you'd have given CONSTRUCTIVE criticism if you were.
Tracking to see how much this improves over time, which I don't doubt it will.
7388366
Well done Sir, you have earned the Medal of Rationality...
7388398 thank you, kind sir!
6977974 Only medals you deserve are...well, nothing really. Jerks don't deserve medals. Nice try. Since you like to troll, go learn to do it right. Wait! There is NO right way as its unesseccary. You won't be trolling this person as long as I'm here. Go elsewhere to do your dirty work.
7388423
I'd most likely suggest some Call of Duty lobbies for this dirty work.
7388432 Don't be on the enemy team when I have an M60E4. You will not survive. I played 1 against three. Split screen since it was my brother and two friends that were over I was against. I had 36 kills and a mere 4 deaths. Extended clip means I don't have to reload as all ammo given for the M60 is in one belt! :D
7388432 and since the M60 can shoot through brick walls, hiding behind mere walls in buildings don't work. The random spray of fire from a distance gets them!
7388432 four shots of three inches of awesomeness equals death :D a grip helps for accuracy though. That thing BOUNCES! It WAS originally a two manned gun.
7388448
Interesting strategy... screenpeeker...
7388456 I can't lie. Why not when they do the same? It was on nuketown anyway. You can't go five steps without bumping into somebody.
7388474
Hehe, I do the same as well... technically you aren't looking at someone else's screen, as they are all one. Loopholes!
7388476 I ACOG sniper rifles. I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.
7388482
ACOG MORS in AW... ELO RSA Interdiction on BO3...
7388487 why hide and beat in the bushes with ur sniper? Put an ACOG on it. Add a silencer and FMJ. Good gun. Da Ballista.
7388492
Who says I hide? Dude, I'll go in with NO attachments and quickscope a good amount of players at shotgun range.
7388494 nice, man. I take the tak 45's with FMJ and two shots to da chest does it.
7388499
7388494
While this is indeed a heartwarming scene of friendship, I would strongly suggest you take your COD discussions to PM. They are off topic and simply do not belong on this fic. This is exactly why the private messaging exists.
7388366
As for this... I am staggered. Yes, you wrote bad fanfiction in the past. Hell, I wrote bad fanfiction at one point. However, that does not change the fact that this is amazingly, hilariously, emotion-wrenchingly bad. Bad things need criticism, so they can improve. My comment was intended to be criticism that's not boring to read.
If you cannot handle that, I suggest you leave, because right now you're acting like a holier-than-thou child on the playground whose friend is being bullied. If you cannot tell the difference between trolling and criticism, maybe it's you that needs to stop getting your pants in a twist.
Criticism raises valid points that you can correct. Trolling does not. If I were trolling I would have just written a rant about how bad this was without raising any points. However, I did bring up some things the author could improve that would make this story less eye-shatteringly bad. (No fourth-wall breaking for no reason, no describing things everyone knows already. Seriously, don't do those things.)
So, oh holy paragon of all that is good, please learn the difference between criticism and trolling before you run around commenting about it and screaming "TRIGGERED!" It's bad form.
7389164 So, basically what you're saying is making fun of this persons fic is alright and that I should leave because of word difference? That's pretty much what you said. I notice you down voted all our comments on the COD convo we had. It's not like your puny vote will make them disappear. I'm sure this author will gladly read that over your bullshit. You still don't understand the fact you've got quite a bit of learning and growing up to do.
And CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is how to do it. You weren't helping in anyway, pal. You had not suggestions on how to improve besides getting a proof reader. Yes that'll help, but maybe give him your advice on how things should be done. I saw your stories, they've got rather well made ratings. Help the guy, don't put him down.
You may have seen the bad fics you've seen of mine, but you have not seen my worst. God, to be honest, I wouldn't care at all what you'd comment on there! I'd go along with you, that fic was so bad! So, to add a bit of a laugh, rather than fighting in comments which like you say should be done in pm, tell me, what is my worst fic in your opinion? On this and my main profile?
I'm not here to make enemies with you. Not saying you are, either.
7389186 Well, I'm glad you're not making this a personal thing, nobody likes that. I'm not sure why you're bothering, though, as the author clearly does not give a chicken's butt feathers about this story. His reply to my comment was literally "I don't care." There's no need to get so offended over something that doesn't concern you, just saying.
As for the discussion, I think we can do that. I'll be taking the remainder of this discussion to PM, as it would suit this better.
Speaking of PM, I downvoted all those comments because they were a long, drawn out discussion that was totally off-topic and had no reason to be here. They should have been a PM, and, for some reason, were not.
7389290 I just tend to hate it when I see such negative comments on a story belonging to a new author. Being on iPad I can't see what's in his spoiler. And yes I know it didn't concern me. I just don't want this guy to ended up giving up on writing. Some people can be really sensitive, ya know?
(Volume Warning)
Tfw you read this fic and realize that auto correct exists...
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Really tho... cmon, its 2016. At LEAST use auto correct if you ain't gonna get a proof reader...
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