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Rainbows, Relationships, & Revenge

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Dash32

Dash32 #1 · Feb 23rd, 2016 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Hello everyone. I know this is an extremely long chapter, but once I started typing I couldn't stop. I also apologize for the lack of paragraphing as this is my first story and I didn't write the first chapter on the computer. I did it on my phone which is derping out on me at the moment. But please let me know if there are any grammical mistakes. I also realize I failed to capitalize a bunch of names. That's also on my phone. Anyway I hope you enjoy this first of many chapters! Until next time!

Mocha Star #2 · Mar 11th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1 ·

6966395
I read maybe six paragraphs (?) But the fact that this whole thing is one long paragraph, I just can't read it.

What I've gotten so far is okay, but I'm not going to try to read this until you break it up into paragraphs.

If I lose my place, I'm screwed!

Dash32

Dash32 #3 · Mar 11th, 2016 · · · Chapter 2 ·

7019684 I'll see what I can do to try to fix it. Thank you

Dash32

Dash32 #4 · Mar 11th, 2016 · · · Chapter 2 ·

7019684 Alright. I did my best in forming it into paragraphs which is difficult on my phone. Hopefully this helps you.

Mocha Star #5 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Error correction (v1.0)

When Twilight reaches the library, she stops just outside the door. ‘Keep it together Twilight’ she thinks before finally opening the door and walking inside. “Spike? Spike I'm home! I need to talk to you!” Twilight calls. A few seconds goes by before Spike walks out of his room and down the stairs. “Hey Twilight. What's up?” Says the little dragon. “Look, Spike....I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You were just curious.” Twilight says digging at the floor with a hoof. “Yeah, what was that about?” Spike asks crossing his arms. “You'd better sit down.” She says gesturing to the stairs. The dragon sits down on the bottom step. “Alright. Now what's up?” He asks. Twilight looks away momentarily, her ears pin back. She doesn't even notice that she is biting her lip until she begins to speak. “Well, the girls and I have been at the hospital all day, we just got back from there....and....I'm afraid that.....” Twilight starts before Spike gets an uncomfortable look in his eyes. “Ooooh no.....Twilight......you're not, y'know......” Spike stutters. Twilight looks at him with a confused look. It's only when Spike makes a shape around his stomach with his claws does she understand what he is asking. At that point in time the realization hits her. Her eyes shrink to pinpricks and her ears pin back once again. “OH CELESTIA NO!!!! YEEEUGH!!!” Twilight exclaims. “Oh good.” He replies. “No, I'm not, thank Celestia. But we were at the hospital because, Rainbow Dash is in there. Somepony attacked her and hurt her pretty bad. She's alive but she keeps having a series of heart attacks. She might not make it another month.” Twilight says sadly. “OH NO! RAINBOW!” Spike exclaims. “That's why I yelled at you earlier. It's no excuse, but we were all stressed out from earlier and I just snapped. I'm sorry.” Twilight says flashing a small sheepish smile. The little dragon walks up to twilight and wraps her in a big hug. “It's alright Twilight. I don't hold grudges.” Spike replies softly. “That's why you're my number one assistant.” She smiles. “You'd better head off to bed.” Spike says. “Alright, goodnight Spike.” Twilight says. “Night Twilight.” Spike replies. The Alicorn makes her way up to her bedroom and sinks beneath the covers. The next ten minutes are spent thinking about the wounded mare that she and so many others have come to love. Twilight sniffles and soon is quietly sobbing to herself. Eventually the dark cloud that is tiredness overtakes her and she slowly drifts off to a world of slumber.

... This is one paragraph... why?

When Twilight reached the library she stopped just outside the door. ‘Keep it together Twilight’ she thought to her herself before taking a calming breath and finally opening the door, pacing inside slowly with her body sagging from the exhaustion of the day and the talk she was about to have.
“Spike? Spike I'm home, I need to talk to you,” Twilight called into the main room, knowing it would reach his sensitive whelp ears.
A few seconds passed before Spike walked down stairs with a curious smile. “Hey Twilight, what's up?” Spike said softly as he sat on the third from bottom step.
“Look, Spike, I need to apologize for the way I acted earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you and it was too much,” Twilight said standing at the bottom of the steps and looking at him.
“Yeah, I’m used to you freaking out, but that a bit much, even for you; what was that about?” Spike asked crossing his arms and sniffling.
Twilight looked around the library and smirked in memory of the many times Rainbow had crashed into the shelves knocking books to the floor. The parties that were had were always better when Rainbow was there, on time. Even the energy she brought to the room when she needed to have a lesson, wheather she knew it or not, were days she had looked forward to.
Twilight’s ears fell to her head and she began to subconsciously bite her bottom lip. “Well, the girls and I have been at the hospital all day and we just found out some shocking news,” she paused to compose herself with another deep inhale exhale excercise.
“We were at the hospital because Rainbow Dash has been admitted after an attack. She was seriously injured and has been having a really difficult time; we, we almost lost her, Spike,” she said softly.
Spike gasped and covered his mouth with his claws. Twilight leapt to him, embracing him into a soft hug. “She's alive, but she might not make it another month,” Twilight finished softly.
Spike sniffled and choked back tears with soft weeping sounds. “Oh no, Rainbow…”
...

That’s all I could offer to fix on just half of ONE massive paragraph…

You need a PC, an editor, proofreader, and then a second editor. :)

Whoever helps you is going to need to rewrite your whole story for you to get it to rock.

At the least you need someone to properly space the story out.

Dash32

Dash32 #6 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

7072486 it's one big paragraph because it's an entire conversation that Twilight has with Spike. There's no subject change so I didn't feel the need to break it into a second paragraph

Dash32

Dash32 #7 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

7072507 thank you for what you were able to do though. I'll try to do the same with future chapters.

Mocha Star #8 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Aside from this being a single paragraph nightmare: The characters are really OOC in the whole story so far.

The grammar comes across like a high school play and you're just writing what happens; its up to someone else to set up the scenery.

You are obsessed with elipses and even when you use them it's both excessive and often incorrectly placed.

So many words are capitalized that they break the already broken reading from the paragraph, but they do make good stopping points so if I get lost I can find my place again.

“(KAFF KAFF) Beg pardon?(KAFF)” Applejack says through her coughing fit. “HAHAHAHAHAHA! You alright AJ? Why so surprised?”

Don't write physical actions or bodily functions, just describe them happening unless it's something repetative that'll make an impact.

Example:
Mary was so tired from a long day of work, babysitting, and doing schoolwork that she kept yawning when she spoke to Dave.
"Hey," she paused to yawn into her hand, "what's up? I haven't -yawn- seen you for a long time," she slurred, stumbling slightly...

Read the word HAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's 6 'HA's and it's being screamed at maximum volume. That's not only extreme for two of any creature to do, but to do it under the circumstances would be akin to borderline insanity or insult... Read it before you post it. Read it like you were there.

“No, Rainbow, ah mean I like ya in another way....” (Applejack pauses for twelve seconds before Rainbow starts next line.) Applejack says.
“Another way?” Rainbow Dash says.(Factly, not a question at all, like a mom asking if you did something that she thinks you did.) She thinks for a few seconds before the realization suddenly hits her. “OOOOOOOOH!!!! THAT WAY!” Rainbow says. (She says at such a volume as to make windows across the hall rattle from the reverberation of her banshee shout.)
Applejack bursts out laughing. “HAHAHAHAHAHA FINALLY! (Her reply rattles the teeth of a mare in the hallway) Ah was beginnin’ ta think ah was gonna have ta spell it out fer ya.” Applejack says before putting the mug back up to her lips for another drink. “Well...uh....I'm glad you told me this....because, I, I like you like that too (A sentence that take 17 seconds to say since the ellipses add time like a super comma)” Rainbow Dash says nervously.

Dash32

Dash32 #9 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

7072569 what does OOC mean and what do you mean by elipses?

Mocha Star #10 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

7072610
OUT OF CHARACTER
OOC

An ellipse is (...)
You use them (......) making for awkward irl talks.

Dash32

Dash32 #11 · Mar 29th, 2016 · · · Chapter 3 ·

7072620 ah. I gotcha

RainbowdashieCloudsdale

RainbowdashieCloudsdale #12 · May 12th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Wow, this is an amazing first story! Very nice! And as you already mentioned that you didnt capitalize some names im not going to be the person that says something about it XD

Youre a good writer and keep on writing like this!

Dash32

Dash32 #13 · May 13th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7210338 Thx. I still think it could be a helluva lot better

RainbowdashieCloudsdale

RainbowdashieCloudsdale #14 · May 13th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7210808 working on the cover art right now!!! and its looking goooood!!

Dash32

Dash32 #15 · May 13th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7211831 SWEEET!!

Did you read the conversation in chapter 4?

Amethyst_Dawn #16 · Jun 19th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Okay, I'm noticing a few things here. The key one being a little bit of an error in the grammar, like this:

“We should definitely have a party sometime you me Rarity Applejack Twilight Rainbow Dash all of us...”
“PINKIE!!”

I'd recommend reviewing your punctuation, like:

“We should definitely have a party sometime! You, me, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Rainbow Dash. All of us--!”
“PINKIE!!”

When a character is interrupted, you might want to use -- instead of ..., which makes it look like they trailed off.

Or:

“Of course. Again I'm sorry this has happened. My name is Officer Thunder Hoof. If you ever need anything, you let me know and I will get right on it.”

Might be more clear if you punctuated/phrased it as:

“Of course. Once again, I am sorry this happened. My name is Officer Thunder Hoof." (Maybe have him hand her a card, or a number, or something.) "If you ever need anything: you let me know, and I will make sure to get right on top of it.”

the other being the present-tense writing.

Without waiting for any other form of response Pinkie Pie turns around and bounces off to find the other ponies. Fluttershy goes off to Twilights house reluctantly. Soon she finds herself at the door of Twilights library. She waits for a moment before knocking on the door. Immediately she hears a familiar voice from the other side of the door.

I have nothing against present-tense, I just have a hard time focusing on fictions written in that form.

It's an interesting idea, and it has the potential to be an amazing fic. I'd recommend sticking to the writing formula you used for your other fic: Motherless Mother's Day. As far as writing, not story.

You're showing an immense amount of skill and imagination here, and I have no doubt this will become a hit, the only other thing I'd suggest is using a colorful word every now and again, like this:

(Pardon me, but I took the liberty 'Borrowing' a line from your fic, and reworded it. I'm not saying to use these exact phrasings, just giving an example.)

Rainbow Dash: the fastest flyer in all of Equestria, was lying on the ground, completely motionless. She was bruised all over, and there was a river of blood flowing tirelessly from her broken nose, and the deep cuts in marking her neck, sides, and stomach. Her neck and left wing also looked like they were snapped like twigs. And Sugar Wing couldn't help but to scream in horror as she flew out of the forest as fast as she could, in order to find help.
A couple of hours later, a butter yellow Pegasus with a candy pink mane, known around town as Fluttershy, was flying through the Everfree Forest when she spotted the local police ponies crowded around a small area. Curious, Fluttershy flew back down to the ground to investigate.
“Umm...Excuse me, sir? What's going on here?” She says in concern, trying desperately to get answers. The police ponies didn't seem to hear her.
“Um...Excuse me?” She repeated, still no answer to be heard.
“Excuse me, sir?”
One of the officers finally notices her, and attempted to push her away.
“You need to leave, miss. This is a crime scene. Nothing to see here.” (I'm not touching this, other than adding a comma: this was spot-on!)
“Oh my... what's happened?” Fluttershy asked, in fear of what she would find out.
“Do you know a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash?” (Wow, you're good at writing cops!)
“Why yes. She and I have been best friends: ever since we were little fillies.” Fluttershy said, smiling at the memory.
The officers frown only seemed to deepen.
“Oh. I'm...sorry.”
Fluttershy's smile disappears: as a look of pure fear and worry spreads over her face like a wildfire.
“Oh dear... w-what happened to her? Is she okay? Oh I hope she isn't hurt!”
With each second that slowly ticked by, her fear intensified tremendously.

Now, these are just suggestions. You asked for my opinion, so I have provided it. I hope I don't sound too critical, rude, or cynical. I'm not, I just tend to be a little... well, blunt.

Interesting story, great idea. My only complaints are the ones listed above.

Amethyst_Dawn #17 · Jun 19th, 2016 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to put my settings back off of mature.

I do not regret looking into this, as asked. But if you wish to contact me further, you may have to either comment on my page, or PM me. Thank you for your patience, and for valuing my opinion. I have no doubt that this will be a success.

One last thing: as far as I have read, I think that this might qualify as being rated teen (Like Visiden Visidane's Upheaval series). But I have not read past the first chapter, and may be wrong on that point. I'd recommend talking to someone who's had more experience with what can pass as "Teen" if you want to change the rating. But if it's not able to be changed, I'll leave my review to this.

Dash32

Dash32 #18 · Jun 19th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7317010 as far as the punctuation goes with pinkie, I purposely left commas out to give the effect that she was ramming all of her words into one big breath.

When you mentioned the whole cop thing, my grandfather was a cop, and one of my friends is a cop so I've had a little experience with their lingo. Plus I watch A LOT of “Cops” the TV show.

As far as everything else, I will make some adjustments and I might actually use you're words for that little bit about rainbow dash and what condition she was in.

I appreciate your feedback and if you're looking for a good cry, read chapter 4

RainbowdashieCloudsdale

RainbowdashieCloudsdale #19 · Jun 19th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

Nice! U posted it!

Looking good! Keep on writing!

Dash32

Dash32 #20 · Jun 19th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7319393 I'm still at a roadblock with ch. 6. I've got nothing!!

Dash32

Dash32 #21 · Jun 23rd, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7332252 I told you!

Dash32

Dash32 #22 · Aug 17th, 2016 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7489371 I'm working on it but I've got a huge case of writers block right now. It sucks

Mocha Star #23 · Jan 23rd, 2017 · · · Chapter 5 ·

:) I like this chapter

Dash32

Dash32 #24 · Jan 23rd, 2017 · · · Chapter 5 ·

7889712 glad you enjoyed it

Dash32

Dash32 #25 · Nov 4th, 2017 · · · Chapter 5 ·

8529472
I'm still hitting a roadblock with it. I kinda sorta have an idea of what I want to do. But I just don't know how to approach it. I'm working on it though ^^

Dash32

Dash32 #26 · Nov 4th, 2017 · · · Chapter 5 ·

8529648
Thanks ^^

Lk Pon-3

Lk Pon-3 #27 · Jul 19th, 2018 · · · Chapter 5 ·

8530181
I only read the first chapter and already I'm hooked

Lk Pon-3

Lk Pon-3 #28 · Jul 19th, 2018 · · · Chapter 5 ·

8530181
AMAZING STORY! Please keep up the awesome work

Dash32

Dash32 #29 · Jul 19th, 2018 · · · Chapter 5 ·

9055303
Haha. Im glad youre enjoying it so far

Lk Pon-3

Lk Pon-3 #30 · May 23rd, 2019 · · · Chapter 6 ·

Yay your back good chapter

Dash32

Dash32 #31 · May 24th, 2019 · · · Chapter 6 ·

9639557
Glad youre enjoying it. It feels so good to be inspired again! Three years is way too damn long not to update

Mocha Star #32 · Jul 18th, 2023 · · · Chapter 7 ·

Will you finish this story, or cancel it after all this time?

Dash32

Dash32 #33 · Jul 18th, 2023 · · · Chapter 7 ·

11641930
I’ll get to it eventually, life just got super busy for me and I just lost motivation. Lot of stuff happened but I WILL get to it.

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