A mysterious mare attacks Rainbow Dash and sends her to the hospital near death. Now, Twilight and her friends are on a mission to find the assailant and put an end to it all. New relationships form and adventures await. Will she survive?
Hello everyone. I know this is an extremely long chapter, but once I started typing I couldn't stop. I also apologize for the lack of paragraphing as this is my first story and I didn't write the first chapter on the computer. I did it on my phone which is derping out on me at the moment. But please let me know if there are any grammical mistakes. I also realize I failed to capitalize a bunch of names. That's also on my phone. Anyway I hope you enjoy this first of many chapters! Until next time!
Wow, this is an amazing first story! Very nice! And as you already mentioned that you didnt capitalize some names im not going to be the person that says something about it XD
Youre a good writer and keep on writing like this!
Okay, I'm noticing a few things here. The key one being a little bit of an error in the grammar, like this:
“We should definitely have a party sometime you me Rarity Applejack Twilight Rainbow Dash all of us...”
“PINKIE!!”
I'd recommend reviewing your punctuation, like:
“We should definitely have a party sometime! You, me, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Rainbow Dash. All of us--!”
“PINKIE!!”
When a character is interrupted, you might want to use -- instead of ..., which makes it look like they trailed off.
Or:
“Of course. Again I'm sorry this has happened. My name is Officer Thunder Hoof. If you ever need anything, you let me know and I will get right on it.”
Might be more clear if you punctuated/phrased it as:
“Of course. Once again, I am sorry this happened. My name is Officer Thunder Hoof." (Maybe have him hand her a card, or a number, or something.) "If you ever need anything: you let me know, and I will make sure to get right on top of it.”
the other being the present-tense writing.
Without waiting for any other form of response Pinkie Pie turns around and bounces off to find the other ponies. Fluttershy goes off to Twilights house reluctantly. Soon she finds herself at the door of Twilights library. She waits for a moment before knocking on the door. Immediately she hears a familiar voice from the other side of the door.
I have nothing against present-tense, I just have a hard time focusing on fictions written in that form.
It's an interesting idea, and it has the potential to be an amazing fic. I'd recommend sticking to the writing formula you used for your other fic: Motherless Mother's Day. As far as writing, not story.
You're showing an immense amount of skill and imagination here, and I have no doubt this will become a hit, the only other thing I'd suggest is using a colorful word every now and again, like this:
(Pardon me, but I took the liberty 'Borrowing' a line from your fic, and reworded it. I'm not saying to use these exact phrasings, just giving an example.)
Rainbow Dash: the fastest flyer in all of Equestria, was lying on the ground, completely motionless. She was bruised all over, and there was a river of blood flowing tirelessly from her broken nose, and the deep cuts in marking her neck, sides, and stomach. Her neck and left wing also looked like they were snapped like twigs. And Sugar Wing couldn't help but to scream in horror as she flew out of the forest as fast as she could, in order to find help.
A couple of hours later, a butter yellow Pegasus with a candy pink mane, known around town as Fluttershy, was flying through the Everfree Forest when she spotted the local police ponies crowded around a small area. Curious, Fluttershy flew back down to the ground to investigate.
“Umm...Excuse me, sir? What's going on here?” She says in concern, trying desperately to get answers. The police ponies didn't seem to hear her.
“Um...Excuse me?” She repeated, still no answer to be heard.
“Excuse me, sir?”
One of the officers finally notices her, and attempted to push her away.
“You need to leave, miss. This is a crime scene. Nothing to see here.” (I'm not touching this, other than adding a comma: this was spot-on!)
“Oh my... what's happened?” Fluttershy asked, in fear of what she would find out.
“Do you know a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash?” (Wow, you're good at writing cops!)
“Why yes. She and I have been best friends: ever since we were little fillies.” Fluttershy said, smiling at the memory.
The officers frown only seemed to deepen.
“Oh. I'm...sorry.”
Fluttershy's smile disappears: as a look of pure fear and worry spreads over her face like a wildfire.
“Oh dear... w-what happened to her? Is she okay? Oh I hope she isn't hurt!”
With each second that slowly ticked by, her fear intensified tremendously.
Now, these are just suggestions. You asked for my opinion, so I have provided it. I hope I don't sound too critical, rude, or cynical. I'm not, I just tend to be a little... well, blunt.
Interesting story, great idea. My only complaints are the ones listed above.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to put my settings back off of mature.
I do not regret looking into this, as asked. But if you wish to contact me further, you may have to either comment on my page, or PM me. Thank you for your patience, and for valuing my opinion. I have no doubt that this will be a success.
One last thing: as far as I have read, I think that this might qualify as being rated teen (Like Visiden Visidane's Upheaval series). But I have not read past the first chapter, and may be wrong on that point. I'd recommend talking to someone who's had more experience with what can pass as "Teen" if you want to change the rating. But if it's not able to be changed, I'll leave my review to this.
Hello everyone. I know this is an extremely long chapter, but once I started typing I couldn't stop. I also apologize for the lack of paragraphing as this is my first story and I didn't write the first chapter on the computer. I did it on my phone which is derping out on me at the moment. But please let me know if there are any grammical mistakes. I also realize I failed to capitalize a bunch of names. That's also on my phone. Anyway I hope you enjoy this first of many chapters! Until next time!
6966395
I read maybe six paragraphs (?) But the fact that this whole thing is one long paragraph, I just can't read it.
What I've gotten so far is okay, but I'm not going to try to read this until you break it up into paragraphs.
If I lose my place, I'm screwed!
Wow, this is an amazing first story! Very nice! And as you already mentioned that you didnt capitalize some names im not going to be the person that says something about it XD
Youre a good writer and keep on writing like this!
Okay, I'm noticing a few things here. The key one being a little bit of an error in the grammar, like this:
I'd recommend reviewing your punctuation, like:
When a character is interrupted, you might want to use -- instead of ..., which makes it look like they trailed off.
Or:
Might be more clear if you punctuated/phrased it as:
the other being the present-tense writing.
I have nothing against present-tense, I just have a hard time focusing on fictions written in that form.
It's an interesting idea, and it has the potential to be an amazing fic. I'd recommend sticking to the writing formula you used for your other fic: Motherless Mother's Day. As far as writing, not story.
You're showing an immense amount of skill and imagination here, and I have no doubt this will become a hit, the only other thing I'd suggest is using a colorful word every now and again, like this:
(Pardon me, but I took the liberty 'Borrowing' a line from your fic, and reworded it. I'm not saying to use these exact phrasings, just giving an example.)
Now, these are just suggestions. You asked for my opinion, so I have provided it. I hope I don't sound too critical, rude, or cynical. I'm not, I just tend to be a little... well, blunt.
Interesting story, great idea. My only complaints are the ones listed above.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to put my settings back off of mature.
I do not regret looking into this, as asked. But if you wish to contact me further, you may have to either comment on my page, or PM me. Thank you for your patience, and for valuing my opinion. I have no doubt that this will be a success.
One last thing: as far as I have read, I think that this might qualify as being rated teen (Like Visiden Visidane's Upheaval series). But I have not read past the first chapter, and may be wrong on that point. I'd recommend talking to someone who's had more experience with what can pass as "Teen" if you want to change the rating. But if it's not able to be changed, I'll leave my review to this.