The time has come for him to say good night to the one he loves, the very night herself.
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Gingerquill
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cool story good luck!!
The writing here is nice. There are parts where the description and the way the sentences are structured are nice. I like the voice of the story.
However, the conversation they’re having sounds a tad too generic, and the dialogue seems to be almost all cliches. It feels stilted, for one, and it also makes for a story that’s a bit more cheesy and a bit less personal, and a tad cheap and clichéd overall. For example:
It makes me wonder why, exactly, Luna is in love with the narrator. I don’t think love has to be logical, no, but there tend to be specific things that one person likes about another. In this case, the narrator does have reasons to like Luna (“He adored everything about her, from her stoic determined exterior to the soft and kind interior that she hid from the world at large.”), but it’s hard to determine why the narrator, specifically, admires these qualities.
The only thing I really know about the narrator is that he’s old, and that he might actually be a prince (The passage “then I would not have been banished for 1000 years, and made you wait all those life times for me to return” implies that he’s been around for over 1000 years). He doesn’t have all that much of a personality beyond that. I don’t think he was even named, or described physically. I imagine there are advantages to not specifying a character’s name or physical attributes, but for me it distances me from the character, and therefore the feelings he’s having, and also makes the story a little less vivid in my mind.
Some minor notes:
There were a few instances where the said tags are not properly formatted (“Perhaps I like to be reminded of how beautiful I am.” Came the elegant tones of Princess Luna […]). Ezn’s guide in the FAQ has a good section on said tags, for reference.
There are a few instances where showing could have been used in place of telling. For instance, the transition from the first paragraph here to the second:
“She said without a pause and total surety” could’ve been shown instead of explicitly told. I hate to put words in your mouth / story, but the total surety and lack of pause could be shown like this, where Luna’s response immediately follows the main character’s question:
Not a big issue, but something to think about. There’re plenty of resources on show vs. tell out there (though it’s a big subject; I’m still learning about it as well).
Overall, it was a story with heart and some nice writing, but a bit too clichéd and surface-level to engage my emotions. I hope my opinion here is useful to you
6932465
Thank you for taking the time to come back to me, I really appreciate it
In fact I agree with much of what you say. Thing is I rushed the story to be in time for Hearts and Hooves. It was a last minute decision to push ahead with writing it, so I fear the dialogue and structure suffered a little for it. Love brings out the cheesiness in us though, so I'm of half a mind to forgive it, lol.
As for the identity of our stallion. Tonight is the end of that identity and he'll be moving on to his next, so I didn't think it was important, but I can see the confusion. I'm a believer in reincarnation, but I think in Equestria only our ageless princesses would really aware of it thanks to their lifespans. I wanted that idea to come out last of all, end things on a hopeful note.
I may rewrite the story in the future when I'm of a mind to take more time on it.
Anyways, thank you again for taking the time for me.
6934425 Sure, love's cheesy sometimes, but sometimes I have to draw a line in the cheese :P
Ah, I see, reincarnation. It wasn't really obvious to me from the story, but it makes sense now. In fact, I feel like the stallion would have interesting life experiences if he had any memory of it. That'd be something interesting to expand upon in the story, and something that'd make him more vivid as a character, imo.
And you're welcome
Could have used more exposition but a nice oneshot nonetheless.
7280902
Thank you again :)
It was something I hammered together over an afternoon or two. I rushed it a bit to get it done for Hearts and Hooves day, though I'm working, on and off, on a rewrite and a sequel
6934425
Why do i get Doctor Who vibes?.
I seem to get the feeling he's the Doctor and is going to regenerate.
10657166
Reincarnation :)
Got it straight off the bat. I always imagined that with a strong enough bond the spirits of the dearly departed can return, it's comforting :)
10657227
I know, and i agree.
What i meant was that i had a weird feeling it was the Doctor and he was about to regenerate into a new body.
10657237
Ooooh, with you now.
Nah, no Dr Whooves vibes I'm afraid
More a Buddhist / Shinto / Spiritualism thing going on.
10657247
Ah, sorry. I just felt that vibe, since the morning i.e the sun(a golden glow) is the same glow of Regeneration Energy.
10657250
No need to apologise :)
I can see that idea working, worth scribbling down and maybe using another time. Perhaps the secret to Celestia's longevity...
10657255
So you'd be using the idea that Celestia is either part Time Lord or that uses Regeneration Energy?.
10657290
dunno... Maybe Alicorns are not limitless wells of power, she recharges by syphoning off energy from the Sun. Perhaps the little known purpose of the Summer Sun Celebration.
I do this from time to time, chase random ideas through my head and see where they go
10657343
That would be a crazy but exciting idea. Perhaps she could be part Time Lord. The doctor could've been her actual father and possibly had sex with her alicorn mother.