• Member Since 30th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen January 25th

Hoops


I periodically check this. Don’t like ponies anymore, I think it's weird as fuck I used to like that shit

T

So Luna is bored. The storms outside have knocked the power out of everything. Celestia is in Baltimare, so there is nothing to do. Then, she thinks about an invention. She will use her dream powers and her future seeing power to show ponies how they are going to die. The way she tells is if they are in need is if it's after a fight. Well, it looks like Hoops is the first one who just had a fight, and is asleep.

ALSO I MADE THIS IN 2016 SO ITS TRASH XD

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

Hey, I like the idea and I was wondering if you needed an Editor? Grammar and spelling, along with Thine understanding of thee mastery of our Royal Tongue is well-meant, but could use a Once-over ^^ I'd be happy to help if you want ^^

8144526 Yeah. I wrote it a day before I was banned for a year and a half. I don't really care too much about it

8144770 I like it xD the grammar and wording is a little off, but with some time and focus it could be a awesome story ^^ if its not to much to ask, could you Pm me the storyline? I'd like to help at minimal if possible ^^

8144792 In a bit. I gotta make some food first. Can I ask, are you a man or woman

8144794 man xD I guess my wording was weird huh? But yeah, I'm a male in form and soul xD

Hay this is really good here, :rainbowdetermined2: I would really like to see how this goes for Hoops and Rainbow Dash. Love it. :heart: And good luck on the next one my friend. :pinkiehappy:

Hmm... this is an interesting idea and I haven’t seen this connection of Luna’s powers before :twilightsmile: However, I think it’s a pity you are explaining that mostly in the description, repeating only small tidbits of it in the story. I think that this is the biggest problem of the story in overall, you swooshed through the beginning very fast, not leaving any space to build-up the atmosphere. For example, who are Winter and Lightning? They seem like a pretty interesting bunch of characters. I’d like to learn more about their looks, history or personality... Or how do Rainbow and Hoops treat each other—that could have been shown very nicely in the part where he can’t sleep. Of course, there were some recurring grammar issues with direct speech and posssessive pronouns, but these are very easy to deal with.

I’m sorry my comment couldn’t be more on the positive side, but I believe honesty is more helpful than plain sugarcoating. If anything was unclear or you want to ask for help, feel free to contact me. PMs and comments work the best, but I’m okay with postal pigeons as well :ajsmug:

8559922
I wrote this a long while ago,before I was banned. So it’s going to be bad.

8560344
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. However, I believe this story is far from ‘bad’. :raritywink:

8560355
I don't even like Hoops anymore, too.

8560358
I see, no problem. Thorax is better, I presume?

8560362
Yes indeed.

Intriguing. The haitus is most likely indefinite, but this story isn't that bad.

8642869
Yeah. Most of my stories have been put on hiatus as I don’t really feel like writing much anymore.

8642909
It's alright. You're a good writer, but the good ones always have highs and lows in their motivation. Maybe one day you'll find you want to again? Who knows?

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