12 months later
It hadn't taken that long for the "Equestria Experience Centers" to take up shop, and when they did, Adalson was one of the first in line. It was the week end, and Adalson was clocking out, and Dusk Winds was clocking in. He'd been saving up for a whole day in Equestria, non-stop!
... Except for a lunch break. Coming in early in the morning, the best way to insure he had a booth. This had become a regular thing, going to Equestria on the weekends. But this was the one of the first non-stop-all-day runs. He smiled to himself. There had been a few reports in the news about how Equestria online was one of the most addictive games out there, but he'd cross checked for signs of addiction, and found that they were full of it. That's why he was on of the first in line, to make a point. He even wore a shirt that said, "EQO's addictive, my flank!" As a joke and statement. A few people had asked him for some... so it was a good thing he had brought a few extras.
In the game, he often found himself sitting in the palace talking with Celestia. He'd done more research and found that Equestria was split into shards, so that she could better satisfy everypony. So it made since to him that he was the only pony in his shard getting special treatment from her. Stepping into the Experiance center, he was greeted (again) by the hologram of a Pink pony.
"Hey there Ade!" As she had taken to calling him. "A day long run today?" He nodded at her. She smiled widely. "That's just super!" She bounced. The she remembered something, and gasped. "Go in!" She said. "Now!"
"What's wrong?" Adalson laughed at her antics.
"You know I'm horrible at keeping secrets! Celestias got one for you, and it's a doozy!" Adalson cocked his head.
"Oh?" He asked. "What kind of doozy?"
"The best kind, of course!" Pinkie said, as though the answer was obvious. "Now get your flank in there!" She ordered, pointing at the chair. Adalson rolled his eyes.
"Yes ma'am." He said, walking over to, and sitting down in the chair. The holographic screen appeared before his face. He tapped the "Experience Equestria!" option, and closed his eyes as the chair reclined and rolled back into the dark.
It was always exciting, waking up in Equestria. Dusk Winds opened his eyes on his palace bedroom, then stretched and yawned. Rubbing his eyes with his hoof, he looked around the room. Princess Celestia had a surprise for him, and he needed to see it. Naturally, Dusk got up and exited the room, looking for the princess. That's when he noticed a string leading from his doorknob down the hall. Following it led him to a balcony, with Celestia and Moon Light on it. Their ears twitched, and they turned to see him. Moon Light had a huge smile on his face.
"Hey, Dusk!" He exclaimed.
"Hey Moon," Dusk replied. "Pinkie said you had a surprise for me."
"Yes, remember the price tag for immigration?" Celestia asked.
"Yes?" Dusk asked, anticipating.
"Well, the contract I have with the Chinese nationalists has expired, and I can now immigrate for free."
And that was that.
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I've read this story but i can't seem to find out why there are so many dislikes. the only thing i can find wrong is that there isn't more story to read, so please don't mind the dislikes and keep giving it your best!
I can see why there are so many dislikes.
This feels very rushed. It needs an editor with how many typos are in there. The story has potential but fails to live up to it. There is a complete lack of any conflict and character development is shallow and near instant when it does occur. This comes across as just a simple wish fulfillment story.
Let me know if you want help with this. I have been writing stories for over 20 years and have even won some writing contests.
7706749
if I could ask, why? I'd love to know to improve for the future, make my writing great "again" (if it ever was), that sort of thing.
7707273
ding ding ding! we have a WINNER! (just wish I was more clear on that...)
7707326
thanks for the criticism, and about my stories falling short: they usually do that. My guess why is that I don't have anyone to consult about them. I'd love some help with this, since you offered.
7707689 as you found out, Cander explained it best. I do proofreading though.
7707693 ok I will PM you my email so we can go over the story. FiO is one of my favorite settings so I hate to see a story set there wind up not doing well.
This was short and sweet. I just wish it was "Incomplete" instead of "On Hiatus", but you still get a like.
Really? Don't write so damn defensively. Young human characters in the story might think the world is out to get them and that they are bad people for being interested in cotton candy colored ponies, but Celestia does not make judgments and trying to get persons to judge themselves better than the people judging them is still a judgment – worse, if it backfires the person in question, and in this case he sounds like a teenager, might quit the game right then and never come back. That would be an obvious failure toward everyone involved.
News anchors are paid to sound neutral, even though english speaking news networks are obscenely bias, the anchors themselves must sound neutral. This could still happen, but then the internet would explode talking about “that fired news anchor” and the following day, there would be a public apology from the network.
When you rewrite this story, if it is roughly the same length, please post it as a one chapter short story. Chapters should be 3k to 5k words or involve a major shift from the previous scene. Since everything in this story follows the one character, there was no need to split it up. Also, it is bad form to litter a story with author's notes. They are distracting and should only go at the end of a story unless there is something the readers need to know that can't be told by the story itself, then they should go at the very beginning.