- Member Since 5th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen January 2nd
Towkio
"I should stuff your face in cookie dough and make cute cookies!"
Towkio
Joined 5th Apr, 2015 ·
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I've read the intro and the first few paragraphs, and you really need to work on your punctuation.
The second paragraph of the story is a very good example. You did the entire thing in commas, which elicits a slight pause instead of a stop from a reader and is typically meant to suggest two related phrases or that a section between commas could be cut out. You put commas through the entire second paragraph, the equivalent of making them read the entire thing in one breath, when each phrase before the comma could be read as a single sentence and needs a period instead.
Your intro could use a few changes, too. Here it is as normal:
After "Norman", put a comma, then use lowercase for "is". Also "His Lab Partner", should all be lowercase as none of those are proper nouns nor are they the start of a sentence. After "them", put another comma as that's merely an introductory phrase and not a full sentence on it's own.
You seem to have a really interesting idea and the setup is intriguing, but the punctuation and mild grammatical errors make it a little clunky to read.
6759067 thank you I'll make changes asap
THE TALE IS GOOD? LOVELINESS. TAKING A LIKING TO THE CONCIOUSNESS CONTROL TALES LATELY.
6759948 thank you, apologies for the grammar errors.
I think Flutterbat needs a different way to punish Norman that just biting his manhood lol
6760785 She doesn't want to hurt him that much, besides he's limping, so she has the last laugh.
I also added Fangplay so you were warned XD
6760812 well, if it was me he'd go to Hell for vacation lol
6761133 Hmmm, who knows....
camo.derpicdn.net/20916b218b8debc56667eadf9634cbb69751d121?url=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFxNqk.gif
*Cough* might be a story...
6761140 sounds competent,as long as its got blood and guts
Hello again.
"What do you want to do?" He said quietly.
6775738
Also, while you were fixing your second paragraph,
Capitalize "her" in there.
6775742 ty