- Member Since 5th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen January 2nd
Towkio
"I should stuff your face in cookie dough and make cute cookies!"
Towkio
Joined 5th Apr, 2015 ·
Offline
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that was very hot
Ah, sundagio my favorite ship
I love the flow, kind of teasing the reader, off and on. I wanted more and then it ended.
I will put this one in my sundagio folder and you sir/ma'am get an upvote
6569074 thx I'm a dude XD
Make sure you follow for more XD
You should read "Naked Singularity". I don't have a link ready, so just search it.
It'll give you a few pointers on making "those" scenes more believable.
2 stars.
What can I say? I'm a critic at heart.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png?wrap=true
6579628 thank you for the critique
6579745 Happy to help the world become a more literate place.
I'm not sure whether you have a worse understanding of dialogue mechanics or physiology mechanics.
Hurtful statement out of the way, I have some pointers on your story as a whole.
When you follow up a quote with she said or some other way of attributing the words to a specific speak, it is not the end of the sentence. This instead should be
You have a lot of run-on sentences that kind of ramble and list a ton of things together. This displays a lot of information, but it feels more like an info dump rather than creating a cohesive scene/scenario.
Clits aren't something to stick into, or to open up to reveal anything. Actually, they're not all that close to the vagina if we're talking about obscuring things.
"Thirty minutes later." felt kind of like a kick in the teeth because the reader has no idea what happens in this time. Is Sunset a tease and just pushes Adagio off? Do they make out the whole time and take a breather just for one of them to mentioned the movie boring them?
Nondescript alcohol that may or may not be coconut rum, since that's what Sunset tastes like? "They tasted like rum she was drunk" is either "They tasted like rum, she was drunk" or "They tasted like the rum she drunk" (various forms applicable). Or does Sunset just taste like Pina Coladas because that's the lip balm she uses?
Finally, edit. I don't know if English is not your primary language or not, since the mistakes you make aren't consistent with what I've come to expect of that, but a lot of basic flaws would be caught from a quick read-through.
All in all, it was a little hard to read, but once it got going it was pretty hot.
6803097 yeah I did this a few months ago when I was bored out of my mind. So there were a few flaws, thanks for your constructive criticism.