Awkward Conversations And Other Stories

by No one is home

I Am No One: You Don't Know Me

Velvet Hammer watched the human flicker into existence in the alley behind sugar cube corner. “Not this shit again?” Was all the mohawked biped got out of his mouth before the pony was on him.

“I want whatever you brought with you!” The brown earth pony, dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt bucked the human in the gut without warning. “That’s the rules, right? Each of you monkeys bring whatever you want? I want it!”

“You never even asked what it was.” The human laughed bitterly before a puzzled look came over his face.

“I don’t care, I want…. Auugggh! It’s in my mouth! Oh my god, there’s blood in it! It’s YOUR blood! Eewww!” The young, brown earth pony screamed as it was sprayed with vomit.

“Discord made this one better than I expected. I guess he learned from past mistakes.” Again that same bitter laugh cut through Velvet’s soul. “I’m lucky I still have a head to live in! If he hadn’t run off Diane… shit! But what are we gonna do about you? You wanted what I brought with me, right?”

Velvet hammer started to answer when the human shoved it’s hand in the earth pony’s mouth and grabbed it’s tongue. Velvet bit down hard, cracking bones and drawing blood but the human just laughed as it pounded the pony in it’s skull. “I have your head, little pony! I HAVE YOUR HEAD! Do something without you head! I will take it away! I will take away your head. Calm down. Calm down. Lay down! Good. You are a good pony. You are a good pony.”

The human began rummaging through the pony’s clothes, and coming up empty, began to work the fastenings on the pony’s pants. At the fresh wave of resistance the human planted a fresh punch into the pony’s skull. “CALM DOWN! I’m just checking your pockets. Yeah, there it’s at. A mare huh? Woulda lost that bet. Seriously, you fought that hard for this? This is barely drinking money. Get up.”

“What are you going to do to me?” Velvet trembled with fear and anticipation.

“I said get up.” Rough fingers seized the mare by her mane and hauled her to her hooves. “We have drinks to get to. I’m buying.”

“You're going to buy me drinks with the money you robbed from me?” Velvet Hammer didn’t know what to think anymore. The human largely ignored his ruined left hand as he grinned at the androgenous mare.

“Yeah, you asked for what I brought with me. You never bothered to ask what that was. Or what it cost.” The human ran one finger down the mare’s spine from her skull to the base of her tail. “You’re going to call me ‘Boss’. You’re my little pony now.”

“I don’t have to follow you!” Velvet Hammer objected.

“I didn’t camp out waiting for you to appear out of thin air. You wanted to catch a human, well you got one. Now come on. We can’t hang around here long or she’ll see us, and trust me, it’s worse for me than it is for you. That’s why I’m worried,”

“All I have to do right now is scream, and the guards will be on you in an instant!” insisted the coltish mare.

“HEY! THIS CROSS DRESSING FILLY FOOLER JUST TRIED TO ROB ME AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO BERRY PUNCH’S PLACE TO HAVE DRINKS!” The human screamed into the streets of Ponyville.

A few ponies turned to look before rolling their eyes in disinterest. The human laughed. “Well now that’s taken care of, come on. I hate to drink alone. Seriously, your a really bad employee. I’m not gonna pay you if you’re gonna be a shit minion. I mean it! Now come on!”

“What’s your name?” The mare hurried to keep pace with long-legged human. “And I’m NOT a filly fooler! I just have a coltish face.”

“And shoulders… and… well no… your flank is okay.” The mare blushed deeply at the human’s cynical appraisal.

“I know I’m an ugly pony, you don’t have to rub it in,” Velvet muttered, “I’m Velvet Hammer, by the way, since you won’t tell me YOUR name.”

“I’m trying to think of a good one.” The human shrugged and laughed. “My engine needs lubrication! And your not ugly. Hell I said you have an okay flank. Kinda skinny, but it makes you look younger… in a good way. But if your not a stallion, and your not a filly fooler, then why dress up like a lumberjack? Are you actually a lumber jack, because that would make it all make sense.”

The mare stopped in surprise and near shock when the mohawked human held open the bar to the tavern for her. “I- the only stallions I can get interested at all are colt cuddlers. Most of them loose interest after they realize I’m a mare… but it’s worked once or twice.”

“Excuse me sir,” Berry Punch interupted from behind the bar, “I know it’s not my business, but you’d best keep at least one sober eye on ‘her’ if you don’t want to get rolled in an alley.”

“She already tried.” The human laughed easily, tossing Velvet’s bit-purse on the bar and showing off his ruined hand. “That’s why she’s buying the rounds.”

“Wow,” Berry actually smiled at Velvet, much to her amazement, “You’re actually taking resposibility for your mistakes and not just trying to swear to the guards that he assaulted you and tried to pull down your pants when a mark turns out to much for you? It’s not a huge step, but good for you.” She then turned to the human. “You’re a good influence on Velvet. You should really get that hand looked at, by the way.”

“Oh yeah, but I just fell in from a parallel world, nearly got mugged, and I need a good stein or ten of hard cider.” Berry happily accepted the story and prepared a freash picher and two chilled steins.

“How did you do that?” Velvet looked at the human with puzzled awe.

“Do what?” The human easily and quickly downed a mug of cider, before changing the subject. “Is the old Pearfield place still on the edge of Froggy bottom in this world?”

The coltish mare shuddered. “Nopony goes around THAT place! They say it’s haunted!”

“Not as haunted as it’s gonna be.” The human slapped the bar with frighteningly manic laughter. “Like you said, Nopony hangs around THAT place.”

Author's Note:

Hee’sss Baa-ack.

Comments

[Daremo]

But where is he? When is he?

[No one is home]

Discord's explaination to Fluttershy: "Okay s I was gonna make a 'chaos tribe' out of broken humans. You know, like Luna does with the new bat-pony types. Oh, don't look at me like that, fine, 'lunar ponies. It's not like I wanted to call mine 'Discord Ponies', Jeebus forbid! I mean they look like bats. It's not my fault she has a bat hang-up. Other things come out at night! Like possums and worms! I have worm ponies, and the possum jawed changlings are making themselves. With maybe future bat-wings. Stop looking at me like that! I tried to help!"

[No one is home]

7425354 Discord's explaination to Fluttershy: "Okay s I was gonna make a 'chaos tribe' out of broken humans. You know, like Luna does with the new bat-pony types. Oh, don't look at me like that, fine, 'lunar ponies. It's not like I wanted to call mine 'Discord Ponies', Jeebus forbid! I mean they look like bats. It's not my fault she has a bat hang-up. Other things come out at night! Like possums and worms! I have worm ponies, and the possum jawed changlings are making themselves. With maybe future bat-wings. Stop looking at me like that! I tried to help!"

[Not so New Brony]

sugar cube corner

Capitalization

Velvet hammer started to answer

Velvet Hammer

grabbed it’s tongue

its

in it’s skull

its

androgenous

androgynous

your a really bad employee

your not ugly

But if your not a stallion, and your not a filly

you're

loose interest

lose

turns out to much

too

Froggy bottom

Bottom

Back to square one, in a manner of speaking for Iam Noone and I'm guessing the 'she' he's worried about is Pinkie Pie?
And Sugar Cube Corner seems to be a popular spot for the Text to drop humans off if Velvet camps out there so often that Ponyville at large ignores her.

I'm guessing the price for getting there was his sense of touch if his lack of reaction to getting his hand broken was anything to go by though I've seen plenty of stories that use madness as a painkiller so I could be wrong.

[No one is home]

7425458 Typos willl be dealt with later, painfully. Oh no, madness is NOT a pain killer,quite the opposite. Which is why Iam immediately uses Velvet's bits to kill some pain.

[No one is home]

7425458 Plus he's been totured by Celestia AND Diane. Which was worse? He has no spoilers left.

[Boulder]

Do something without you head!

your

Berry happily accepted the story and prepared a freash picher and two chilled steins.

fresh pitcher