• Published 18th Dec 2015
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Awkward Conversations And Other Stories - No one is home



A series of disjointed, interconnected stories about people and ponies. There are many conversations. All are awkward.

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Holiday Special Part 2: The Road to Rock Country

“So… not complaining about the ride-along,” I opened, “But I thought you were gonna go back to the hive in Canterlot for ‘Hive Lighting’ or whatever you call your light based winter holiday.”

“Heh,” Zeke laughed from the passenger seat as equestria past the windows, “Actually, yeah, it IS Hive Lighting. I think that might be the first cultural reference you’ve gotten right. But shit’s weird at the hive right now. I mean don’t get me wrong, the idea of a changeling brothel is pure genius. But that’s the Hive. I mean, have enough respect to not piss in your own sink! Ya know what I mean?”

“No,” I answered honestly, “No, I have no idea what those feels are. But I know what it’s like when you can’t go home. And even if you could, ‘home’ isn’t the place you left in the first place anymore.”

“Yeah,” Zeke nodded and then looked thoughtful, “So, Ki, why you call me ‘Zeke’?”

“Well,” I think about it for a second and then answer, “I can’t go around calling you ‘Worker Changeling Z-978’ , and ‘Z’ isn’t really a name. It’s just a letter. So I went with ‘Zeke’.”

“Yeah,” Zeke nodded slowly, “That makes sense. So is ‘Zeke’ a male or female name?”

“Well, Kiki’s a girls name,” I expertly maneuvered across the minefield I’d been navigating since since we’d become roommates six months ago, “Most would pronounce it ‘Key-Key’. which is a mexican girl's name. But it’s ‘Kie Kie’, which is a native american girls name. Mom swore to her death it was a native american boys name, though.”

“Yeah,” Zeke shifted uncomfortably, “60% of that was human cultural jargon and the other 40% was complete bullshit dodging the question. Do you see me more as a mare or a stallion?”

Seriously? Well, this conversation is going to happen. Six months living and working together and it never comes up untill Hearth’s Warming Day, two thirds of the way into rock country. Okay, fine. We are going to have this awkward conversation.

“Well I’m kinda not the one keeping that secret,” I admit freely, “I don’t know. I assume you morph an appropriate ‘yuck-hole’ when you use the bathroom. Hell, I don’t even know if ‘Worker Changeling Z978’ is actually your name, or if you’re really milking the hell out of the best joke ever.”

“Chrysalis was a bitch,” Z-978 got quiet for a minute and then went on, “Worker Changeling Number Nine Hundred and Seventy Eight was my entire existence. I added the ‘Z’ later, after we’d all escaped. After twenty years of being Worker Changeling Nine Hundred and Seventy Eight, it was the single most creative thought I had ever conceived. And I’ve always wondered why you called me ‘Zeke’....that’s all.”

“Ze….Z, I am so sorry,” well who’s got two thumbs and just realized what an ass-hole he’s been, yep, this guy.

“No, it’s totally cool, look I’m sorry for making things weird,” Z stammered,, making me feel even worse, “Actually I like ‘Zeke’. And things are cool. Mind you, if Leaf tried to call me ‘Zeke’ I’d beat the gay out of him. What? Don’t look at me like that. I swear I would. His overly sensitive crap pisses me off because he doesn’t get it. But you do.”

“Get what dude?” I was totally lost. Not surprising, I’ve literally been totally lost since I got here. I quite literally have only a vague notion of where I actually am.

“Okay, you’re gonna make me come out and say it,” Z laughed, trying and failing to make this less awkward, “You’re not a pony. I know Leaf blower catches some shit from the townies for being a colt-cuddler, but at the end of the day they still see him as another pony. He’s not some weird alien everypony assumes wants to seduce them to steal their love, or have weird monkey sex. Because our species have pretty much the exact same reputation.”

“Yeah,” I had to laugh, “Humans just want to run around having sex with and turning into ponies. It’s all we ever do.”

“I know right,” Z laughed easily, as the tension left the truck, “I mean 'she’s a changeling, and you know how they ‘feed’' right?”

“She, huh?” I wasn’t all that surprised. It was always a fifty fifty shot, “Honestly Zeke was just one of the only two ‘Z’ names I could think of. And Zelda’s a video game back home.”

“You have a video game called ‘Zelda’?” Z cocked her head to the side and asked curiously.

“It’s legendary, “ I confirmed with a straight face.

“But you never answered my question,” she pressed on, “Is Zeke a male human name, or a female human name?”

“Male,” I finally confessed, “I was never sure, so I always figured it would be less weird to assume you were a guy.”

“That’s reasonable enough,” she nodded, “Mostly back at the hive I was whatever the pony providing the love wanted me to be, before that I was a numbered worker drone. To be honest, there were times I wondered if I ever really escaped at all really. That’s when I heard Rough Tumble was opening a depot out in the boonies. I put in my application and left Canterlot before I even heard I’d got the job.”

“Huh,” I really didn’t know what to say to that.

“Well?” Z looked expectant, “That’s my dramatic how I got here story. I showed you mine. Your turn.”

“Well,” I rubbed the back of my head, “I was just sitting at my apartment and this weird writing appeared and asked me where I wanted to go. And I said upstate New York, because it was the holidays and I wanted to see this friend of mine who had moved up there a couple of years ago.”

“So how come you ended up in Equestria, and not this upstate new york place?” Z asked the perfectly reasonable question.

“Apparently there are rules to how much stuff you can take. I took too much, so it sent me to the wrong place,” yeah, that’s what happened, “I’m going to beat the fuck outta those words as soon as I figure out how to beat the hell out of some words.”

“Wow,” Z put a hoof on my shoulder, normally not something I’d be especially comfortable with, but this once I was willing to let it slide, “It took away all your friends, everything you ever had, hell it took your entire world away from you… because you wanted to bring too much stuff? I kinda see why you don’t talk about it.”

“Yeah,” I didn’t say anything else you several miles, then I continued, “That’s the only remotely interesting part of the story anyway. I was homeless in Ponyville. So I went looking for work with this new trucking company. I’m pretty good at running a warehouse so when Rough said he was setting up a regional depot in Twiggs I took the promotion and moved out to the boonies,”

“So let me get this straight,” Z said levely, “You were transported to a magical alien world and the first thing you did was go get a job at a warehouse?

“Well it was either that or eat out the dumpster behind sugar cube corner,” Z gave me this little kinda-grossed-out look, “I only did that once.”

“Seriously, Ki,” Z laughed, “You are the most boring human I’ve ever heard of.”

“What, was I supposed to sleep with all the princesses until they turned me into some alicorn sex machine? I mean, honestly, just because that one guy did that, I can’t just have a decent warehouse job?”

“You’re preaching to the choir, my friend,” Z nodded enthusiastically, “Same here, the last queen pretty much set a certain standard for how changelings interact with ponies. When the new queen turned it into an outright business things just got weird… turn right here.”

“Oh shit, thanks,” I said making the turn quickly, “So you’re a female?”

“Well,” Z replied thoughtfully, “technically as a sapient worker drone, sex is purely a function of emotional processing for me.”

“Wait,” I was confused again, a lot of that going around today, “You feed off me like twice a week, and we’ve never had sex. Even when we were both drunk.”

“Well,” Z was clearly embarrassed. Served her right for starting this whole talk, “It’s obviously not the only way I can harvest emotions, just the easiest. You never asked so I assumed you weren’t interested and kept myself strictly gender neutral.”

“And for six months things never got weird until today,” I laughed and shook my head, “Is that a giant Stone egg?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

We had arrived.

Author's Note:

More awkward conversations. Second chapter of my holiday special. As before, this recieved minimal proof-reading in order to get it up by Christmas, so sorry if it's a bit rough around the edges. Hope you enjoyed it and are enjoying what-ever holiday you celebrate. :pinkiehappy:

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