Awkward Conversations And Other Stories

by No one is home

Holiday Special Part 1: The Satan-a-Clause

"Hey Ki we gotta 128 lb box going to rock-country, they want it there by Hearth's Warming?" Worker Changeling Z-978 shouted across the ware-house. I'm pretty sure that's not his real name. I'm almost certain it's some kind of changeling "in" joke. Mostly the ponies call him "Z", I go with "Zeke". I mean if we're using fake names anyway why not Zeke?

"Well they can want Santa to wear naughty stockings and stuff coal where the sun don't shine up the baby Jeebus, doesn't mean we can deliver it," I answered the implied question of, "Can we do that?"

"Gotcha dude," Zeke replied levely, "Ya know, I don't even get pony holiday references, much less human, but even I'm kinda offended by that."

"For real, man," Leaf Blower, a minty green stallion with the most ridiculous pink dreadlocks imaginable (just imagine if pink dreadlocks could look more ridiculous; if you can't imagine pink dreadlocks you are a lucky soul) piped up from a haphazard pile of boxes, "You're really harshing my vibe. I mean you're, like, a pretty cynical dude, and I'm down with that, but Dayuuum, that was harsh. Just ponies trying to get their presents on time."

"Yeah, yeah," like it matters that ponies want to get their presents on time, "Look, quickest freight train we get from here to there takes two days. If we're lucky, REALLY LUCKY, it gets there by thursday evening, where it sits in THAT depot’s warehouse until saturday because they're still gonna be running the deliveries that came in wednesday and if they're really on top of things they might get it signed in and sorted out, but noponies gonna be making deliveries on Hearth's Warming. So they get it on monday. At best. Shit we can do on this end."

"It's an over-night direct delivery by truck, dude," Leaf Blower just wasn't gonna let this lie, "We could totally have it there by Hearth’s Warming!!"

"And have the driver back by, what, saturday?" I already had my argument ready for this, "So who's gonna spend their holiday on the road, halfway between Twiggs Depot and rock country? You, maybe? Isn't your sister from ponyville coming in for the holidays?"

"Pegasus Next Day Air?" Leaf made one last desperate attempt to save his case for a holiday miracle.

"Hundred and twenty eight pounds, Leaf," Zeke saved me the trouble, "Ki's right, even if he is being an ass about it."

"On behalf of donkeys everywhere I am offended by your micro-agressions," I said in my best mock wounded voice, eliciting a chuckle from Zeke and a glare from Leaf.

"I'm pretty sure that was a racist joke," Leaf glared between us, "Just because there aren't any donkey's around doesn't make it okay to use the 'a' word!"

"It's okay, I'm using 'ass' meaning 'butt'," Zeke laughed with that weird buzzy voice of his (hers? I honestly don't know. It's never come up and I'm not gonna ask.), "I'm calling him a 'plot-hole', you're not gonna tell me you of all ponies are gonna get offended by a plot hole?"

Ever see that moment when friends take shit too far? It was THAT moment. Sure Leaf could be over-sensitive about shit, but that was low. And it was instantly clear that he wasn't going to take this well.

"Ki, I want to file an incident report," he stomped angrily and instantly took this in the worst direction possible.

"Now calm down Leaf," I had to choose my words careful here, "Z-978 didn't mean anything by that. We're all friends here."

"No!' he actually stamped both his front hooves that time, "This isn't just me being overly sensitive! Z was making fun of me for being a c-colt cuddler!"

"Sorry, dude," Zeke said quietly, "I was just teasing ya. I forget it's such a big thing with ponies."

"I-I don't know, dude, you know I don't like that!" Leaf stammered.

"Look," I stepped in before this turned into a full-on-children's-story-morality-play, "Rough's coming in next week to check on our status. If you're still upset we can all sit in and have a meeting, and discuss workplace boundaries or something. How's that? Once I file a formal report, that's filed. For all I know that's what sets off 'friendship problems' but it definitely involves getting the government involved. I swear to all the gods in hell, if I have to sit through a government 'sensitivity' class I will strangle you both. One little pseudo-equine neck in each hand. So just get along until the big boss comes around.. Can you do that for me?"

"Geeze," Zeek visibly flinched, "Ya, know Leaf, if ya wanna file a report on the supes anger issues I totally got your back."

Leaf laughed nervously and the situation was defused.

"So what's Big Gay Tumbler, coming in for, ain't he got fancy 'Guard Training'," I shot Zeke a meaningful glare, to which I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes (it's impossible to tell with bug eyes), and retorted, "What? I call him that to his face. I swear it's just not a big deal with changelings."

"He just wants to come in and have a look around," I shrugged, "Make sure I'm keeping you clowns busy. You know, boss stuff."

“Okay, so what do I tell this mare, ‘Diane’, about her hundred and twenty eight pound box of rock candy?” Zeke didn’t realize the weight of the guillotine he’d just dropped on my head, but he must have seen me twitch, “Uh you okay, Ki? You don’t look so good?”

“Did you say Diane?” I tried to keep the twitching in my eyebrow at a minimum, “and rock candy”

“Isn’t that, like, a human name, dude?” Leaf perked up, “Wow, is this, like some human you knew back home or something?”

“No,” I shook my head gravely, “It’s a pony. It’s a pony using her most serious name to let me know just how serious this is.”

“So… what?” Zeke looked at me all confused-like, “Didn’t you just tell us both how there was nothing we could do about it, anyway?”

“Yeah,” I sighed heavily, “Because who wants to spend their holiday halfway between Twiggs Depot and Rock Country? And there’s no way I’d ask any of our drivers to ruin their holiday just because some other pony couldn’t be bothered to send a package in a timely fashion.”

“So who’s gonna drive it?” Leaf Blower looked confused momentarily, then it sank in, “But…”

“I don’t celebrate Hearth's Warming anyway,” yeah that should settle it.

“What about Neon Baby Jeebus Parade?” okay, understand that their only source of answers where human culture is involved has a strange sense of humor.

“Didn’t celebrate Baby Jeebus back home, either,” I said plainly with determination, “But this is about Satan-a-Clause. And be damned if I don’t believe in Satan-a-Clause!”

“The Big Red Crimmus Devil of Presents?” Zeke perked up, apparently they really paid attention to my stories. Harmless enough, so long as they never go to earth. Then it becomes hilarious..

“Yep,” I nodded, “Load it on the truck. I‘m rolling out at dawn headed for rock country!”

It’s a secret rule of Satanism that if a true believer in the spirit of the holidays asks a satanist by their middle name to deliver a present on time, and we can, we pretty much have to do it. It’s contractual obligation. Pinkie Pie had somehow invoked the Satan-a-Clause.

Author's Note:

Holiday specials are a thing. Typos run rampant. It's the holidays. I wrote this in a hurry. I got work related physical therapy. Typos will be exterminated later. DON'T JUDGE ME! Chapter two will be delivered on christmas day by Satan-a-Clause.

Comments

[harts fire]

ok this chapter start out a bit on the odd side but I must say it got super duper good after that.
good work.

[No one is home]

So.... have you heard the good news of the cult of The Unspeakable Pinkie Pie? We have 666 levels of super fun damnation as we bounce and giggle down the the darkened path that devil's tread with caution. Giggle at a ghosty, grab a fork and eat a brain and SMILE SMILE SMILE. The Laughing Abyss awaits us all!

[David Silver]

I begin.

[No one is home]

7175562 The begining is a good place for that, I'm told.

[Not so New Brony]

Satan-a-Claus, well, that's certainly more creative than Sandy Claws.

[Boulder]

7286781 I'd have gone with 'Satanic Claws'