Awkward Conversations And Other Stories

by No one is home

Let's Do the Time Watp Again (Surprise/Ki): Malingering Doubts

The bored, middle aged, mohawked human sulked idly at the bar, one arm in a sling. His uniform was disheveled, and his expression dejected.

“Relax, Ki,” a younger human with his leg in a cast took up the bar stool next to him, “The doctors said you’ll back out in the fight in no time. It’s just one battle, besides, according to you, this whole thing is just gonna be one big, ugly, bad dream as soon as the ‘princess of friendzones’ makes nice with the time traveling evil unicorn, right?”

“Friendship,” the human shot his compatriot a malicious glare, “It’s ‘Princess of Friendship’, Jake. Look, I know you don’t believe me. You came in before the end of season five, so none of your spoilers are really relevant to this timeline.”

“Maybe you should just accept that the real pony world is just nothing like the cartoon back home man,” Jake shrugged, “I know you’re frustrated, man, I get it. A pony you care about is out there on the front lines and you’re stuck back here with a busted arm,” the human gestured at his own leg, “Believe me, I get it.”

“My arms not that bad off,” Ki snapped, “Pinkamena said something to the doctor. I saw it, and I can guess what it was.”

“You think Pinks called a favor and got you put on the sick-list?” Jake was honestly shocked, “No way, she wouldn’t do that, not even for you.”

“And yet here I am,” the mohawked soldier gestured, “Sitting at a bar keeping my arm in a sling to avoid being accused of malingering, while everypony I know and care about is out there fighting, maybe dying! And you what makes it worse?”

Ki waited a moment then answered the resulting silence, “Pinkamena didn’t think I could pull my weight. Deep down inside she thinks I’m too old to hold my own on the battlefield.”

“Look man, you're taking this the wrong way,” Jake tried to comfort his friend, “If… IF, and it’s a really big ‘if’, but if Pinkamena did pull some strings to get you off combat duty, it’s only because she didn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“And it’s okay if something happens to her?” Ki snatched up his cider from the bar and took a long chug, “I should have taken the transformation when they offered it. I could be back in prime shape, I could be out there DOING something, instead of sitting around helping you recycle hard cider.”

“Dude, don’t look now, but Pinkamena just walked through the door,” Jake’s face was a mask of confusion, “And she’s green. And smiling. Something is…”

The human didn’t get any further, as Ki sprang up, leaving his barstool clattering to the floor as he ran to the green mare throwing his arms around her withers, “Jeezac of Prozation, Diane! What happened?!?! Where are the others? Is Maude alright?”

“What about Dash?” Jake asked from a more respectful distance, “And why are you green, was it some kind of enemy spell?”

“Uh, I think you might be just a teensy bit confused,” Surprise wiggled out of the hug and regained some degree of personal space, “I don’t think I'm the pony you think I am. Not exactly anyway.”

Ki stepped back and eyed the mare suspiciously, “You’re not Diane.”

“Weeeeeell,” the green mare cocked her head one side, “My middle name IS Diane. But… how to put this delicately… I’m not the Pinkie Pie you're looking for?”

“Pinkie Pie?” Both humans said at once and shared a look.

“Uh, yeah,” it was Surprise’s turn to look confused, “That IS who you thought I was right?”

“Yeah,” Ki admitted, “It’s just that…”

“Nopony ever calls her Pinkie Pie!” Jake blurted out, “Not even Ki gets away with that.”

“Oh, alternate timeline thing I suppose,” Surprise shrugged and took it in stride.

“Wait did you say ‘alternate timeline’,” Jake cocked his head to one side.

“Told you so,” the older human stuck his tongue out, “So you’re from a different timeline, where Pinkie Pie is green?”

“Not exactly,” the green party pony rubbed the side of her head in embarrassment, “I’m more of a castaway, time traveling Pinkie Pie who got cut off from her original point in spacetime so now I hang out in the original timeline in this world and also I got turned green via overexposure to the space between time and space. I go by Surprise to avoid confusion.”

“Ooooookay,” Jake nodded slowly when the mare paused for breath, “So it’s like Ki here’s been telling everypony, sooner or later it will all sort itself out, and we can all go back to normal.”

“Well,” Surprised looked really uncomfortable, “You go back to the state you were in when this all started, which is all well and good if you didn’t get hit by a train immediately upon arrival in Equestria.”

“So, in the real world I’m…” the mohawked human swallowed hard unwilling to finish the thought.

“Woah, dude,” Jake blinked slowly, “That’s pretty heavy. You all right?”

“I’m dead,” the middle aged man began laughing hysterically, “I’m all walking around for months thinking, ‘Hey, look at me, not failing as a soldier. Shipping with with Pinkie Pie. Hey I’ll bet when this is over I’ma have a sweet life in Equestria.’ But no, nope, nope-a-roonie. Never really happened, because outside of the time warp I’m dead. Hit by a train. Don’t get much deader than that. Nope indeedy-do.”

“Dude, maybe you should…” Jake tried to offer comfort, only for his angry friend to turn on him.

“Just shut up, Jake!” Ki sneered, “You get to come out of this. When it’s all over, you’re back in Equestria! Hell, maybe you even got hooked up with Rainbow Dash. You don’t know! You know what you’re not? Huh? Wanna take a guess? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with head!”

“It’s alright,” Surprise nuzzled up to the distraught human, “I’m not going to let that happen, I can guide you out of this. Trust me, I’ve done the whole skipping alternate realities thing before. Just take this card, it’s from the Blind Goat.”

Surprise pulled the tarot card from the Blind Goat from out of her mane and passed it to the human, who read it and replied, “The Monkey’s Uncle? What’s this supposed to do? And who in the nine hells the the Blind Go...”

And then everything suddenly never happened again.

Author's Note:

Remember that chapter I did to coordinate with David's Time Warp story that nopony noticed because they were all arguing whether or not Silver Watch was being OP in the real Silververse? 'Cause I remember that.

Comments

[Daremo]

I remember.

[No one is home]

7192938 I blame Alzrius.

[Dravkwn]

7192938 I think I might remember, but a reminder of what I'm only sorta remembering couldn't hurt.

[Not so New Brony]

My middle IS Diane

My middle name IS Diane.

How do you make recycled cider?

[No one is home]

7292517 Typo executed for war crimes.

And to answer that question, first you drink the cider, then you have to wait a while...