• Published 18th Dec 2015
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Awkward Conversations And Other Stories - No one is home



A series of disjointed, interconnected stories about people and ponies. There are many conversations. All are awkward.

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Failure to Launch (Ki): Drinking Game

“What?!?!” Rainbow Dash hovered above her pink friend in annoyance.

“”I just said, that my mohawk human is more awesome than your boring old normal plain vanilla human.,” Pinkie smiled slyly, “What? It’s just a fact. Nothing to get upset over.”

“First off,” Dash insisted, “Who said Jake was MY human, he lives with Twilight, so if anything he’s HER human…”

“Just because your human’s not as awesome as mine, is no reason to blame it on Twilight,” Pinkie pointed out cheerfully, “After all, he follows you around like he was yours. And you let him. Honestly just because I’m better than you at having awesome humans…”

“No!,” Rainbow dash landed so as to stomp the ground with all four of her feet at one time, “Fine, you wanna say Jake is my human? That’s just because he’s by far the most awesome human ever! Why do you think the ambassador sent him to Ponyville. Because he’s that awesome. Your human’s getting deported all the way to Vanhoover because he’s so lame the ambassador know’s he’ll just lame up Ponyville!”

“You take that back!” Pinkie Pie glared angrily at her friend, “You take that back right now, Rainbow Dash!”

“What? It’s true,” the cyan, mare grinned maliciously, unaware perhaps how deep her words were cutting her friend, “Not only that, but, your human is so old, he’s got more grey in his mane than Mayor Mare!”

“Oh yeah,” Pinkie stood on her hind legs shouting, “I’ll bet Ki could drink Jake under the table in a cider drinking contest!”

“A cider drinking contest? Seriously?” Dash laughed heartily, “Puhlease! I have personally trained Jake in the fine art of holding your cider! What chance does your smelly old human have against that kind of training?”

“Ki is a mohawkian!” Pinkie declared with pride and confidence, “In the battle of 1999 the Mohawkian party warriors drove back the dreaded Jagermonster using drunkenness alone!”

“Fine, I’ll get Jake, You get Ki, and we’ll meet back at Berry Punch’s Tavern!” Dash flew off with determination.

-=-=-=-=-

“I wish Jake wouldn’t bother Rainbow Dash so much,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “It has to get on her nerves at least a little.”

“Yeah I know,” Spike agreed, “I mean the way he just follows Rainbow Dash around like a love-struck puppy dog, it’s just sad.”

The purple alicorn gave her assistant a funny look for a moment before shaking her head, “Well she can’t really complain this time, she came and picked Jake up herself.”

“Probably wants to get him to carry around her stunt gear all day,” Spike nodded sagely, then tsked, “It’s really shameless the way she manipulates him like that. Somepony should really say something. It’s not right for a mare to play off somepony’s feelings like that just to get free labour.”

“”We ARE talking about Dash and Jake, right?” Twilight looked momentarily troubled.

“Of course Twi,” Spike nodded vigorously, “Who else could we be talking about?”

Twilight gave her head a quick shake and decided once more to just let it be, “Did she even say where they were going?”

“Something about some kind of contest with, and I’m quoting Dash directly, ‘Pinkie’s stupid, old, broken down, lame-flanked human’...” Spike shrugged, “I think they were going to Berry Punch’s Tavern.”

“What?” Twilight let out a ragged sigh.

“Apparently,” Spike explained, “Pinkie told Dash that ‘her’ human, Ki, was more awesome than ‘Dash’s’ human, Jake. Dash took it as a challenge. Now they’re competing to see who has the most awesome human.”

“Grrrr…” Twilight seethed, “I knew it! Pinkie Pie is dragging Ki around like some kind of exotic pet! THIS is why Ambassador Silver is transferring him so far outside ponyville!”

“Really?” Spike raised an eyebrow, “Because in his report he said it was because, and again I’m quoting, ‘These two forces of chaos must be separated and soon, and never again be allowed to come together for the sanity of Equestria…’ “

“Yes, well,” Twilight gave her assistant a jaded look, “I think we can be pretty sure that was some kind of human joke. While they may not be the best influences on each other, aside from Pinkie’s tendency to treat the poor human like she owns him, they’re hardly a menace to the sanity of the nation. And isn’t it odd that the ambassador would ride all the way here and then wait until he returned to canterlot to send me a copy of his report?”

“Yeah,” Spike rubbed the back of his head with one scaly hand, “I guess, a little.”

“Well,” Twilight strode towards the castle entrance, with a sigh, “I suppose I should make sure Dash and Pinkie aren’t literally pitting them in some kind of ‘human-fight’. Hold down the fort here until I get back.”

“Will do!” Spike replied with a sharp salute, “I’m not allowed in the tavern after dark anyway.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Ey, Jake, wazzup,” Ki greeted his fellow human casually from across the table, downing his first cider with ease.

“Not alot Ki,” the younger human nodded in reply emptying his stein with equally practised ease, “Ya know, you totally don’t have to do this.”

“Neither do you,” Ki smiled easily as the number of cups between them began to grow.

“Are you kidding? Have you heard about their bet?” Jake said incredulously, still not slurring as he finished his fourth round, “If you win Dash has to wear the most frou-frou dress Rarity has all day tomorrow. And if I win Pinkie’s gotta wear clown make-up.”

“Seriously?” Ki looked cynical, downing two in one go just to make things interesting, “Clown makeup? 23% of her job involves being a literal clown.”

“Sad-clown-make-up,” Jake clarified, eliciting a shudder from Ki, as he matched the older man glass for glass, “Yeah, so I figure if I let Dash down on this, that’s it. I pretty much blew it. Why are you playing along? I mean, it’s not like Pinkie Pie would turn you out if you refused. And you’re leaving for Vanhoover in a couple of weeks anyway.”

“The Punk Rock Code forbids me from denying a challenge of booze,” Ki answered straightforwardly, chugging another mug and slamming it to the table, “Are you sure there’s alcohol in this?”

“So it’s a battle for love and honor then?” Jake grinned and Ki rolled his eyes, as the younger man easily kept his pace, “And don’t worry it’ll creep up on ya.

“You do know how many guys have ever actually slept with a girl who talked them into a drinking contest, right?” Ki replied flatly, pony’s watching in awe at the collection of cider mugs amassing between the two humans.

“Are you kidding?” Jake grinned with unimpeachable confidence, “When I win this, I’m gonna be her hero!”

“Yes, the number does, in fact, rhyme with hero,” Ki nodded.
-=-=-=-=-

By the time Twilight made it to the Tavern, the place was standing room only as ponies pushed and shoved to place bets and get a better look at the drunken spectacle.

“Pardon me?” Twilight approached a minty green exuberant mare, “What’s going on here?”

“”Oh, hey, Twilight,” Lyra turned on hearing herself being addressed, “The two local humans are engaging in some kind of human drinking competition.”

Twilight fought the urge to face hoof. Of course it was a drinking contest.

“I du-dunno if I can do it Dashheeee,” Jake’s drunken voice carried over the general din, “I’m shorry. Sho, sho, shorry….”

“You can do it Jake, come on, he’s old, he’s on the ropes,” Dash encouraged, “You pull this off, and we’ll go on a date… a for-real date!”

Jake shakily swallowed down the remains of his mug and slammed it on the table.

“Don’t let him show you up, Ki,” Pinkie cheered from her own side, “Show them that mohawkian fighting spirit! Remember if you win this I’ll marry you so you won’t be deported to Vanhoover!”

“Gods-dammits Diane!” The older human seemed to be in no better,shape than his opponent, “I... I keep shtryings to tells you! I’m not being dip-, deep-, dipped-ported! I’m getting a jobs!”

“And we’re tied at 26 mugs apiece!” Berry Punch announced as the crowd broke into raucous cheering and Twilight’s jaw dropped.

“Ah, know, sugarcube,” a familiar voice approached from behind, “Ah don’t know whether to be concerned, impressed, or scared silly right now.”

“What are you doing here AJ?” Twilight was a bit surprised to see her\ usually more reserved friend at such a spectacle.

“Berry Punch ran out of Cider, and Ah had to haul another barrell out. This keeps up Ah might have to make another run…”

“Ima gonna win this thing, old man!” Jake declared suddenly, flinging back a mug and honestly getting more cider on his head than in his mouth, “I’m win thish, and Ima ship with Rainbow….*hic*... Rainbow Dashie… and we gonna have awesome centaure babies!”

The crowd erupted into laughter, and Rainbow Dash tried to melt into the floor-boards.
“And, you’re just gonna live in Pinkie Pie's basement forever,” Jake grinned and pressed his smack talk, “And be old and broken with… f- fat.. ugly old Pinkie Pie! Everybody knows she’s the oldest of the mane mane shix! And it sh- shows!.

Rainbow Dash mouthed, “I am so sorry.” at Pinkie Pie as Ki simply sneered at the younger brony.

“The only way this ends little man,” Ki said as he calmly drained his latest cup, “Is with you lying on the floor in a puddle of your vomit and my urine, which probably has blood in it...MY BLOOD!”

“Oooooooo,” the ponies in the tavern antagonized.

“Okay this has gone on long enough,” Twilight put her hoof down and announced in her best imitation of the Royal Canterlot Voice, “IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP THIS CONTEST IS OVER!”

“Whalsh?” Jake objected, “I was Shtotally gonna win this f- for Dashie! THE POWER OF TRUE LO---uh, oh my god, Dasheeee, I an sho shorry, show berry, berry shor--ehhhhaggghua!”

“IT’S IN MY WINGS IT’S IN MY NOSE, I THINK SOME IS ON MY FLANK! IT’S EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!” Rainbow Dash panicked in horror.

“I’m shorry Dashh-ehwaguh!!!!!”

“THERE’S MORE OF IT!!!!” Dash’s horror shifted as her friend fell limply from his bar stool, “JAKE? Jake?!?! Are you alive dude? JAKE! Say something! Slap the floor twice if you’re okay.... uh Ki? What are you doing? NO! “

Suddenly Twilight could see Pinkie over everypony jumping on the table and swatting Ki with a rolled up Newspaper, “BAD KI! BAD! BAD HUMAN!”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie! How many times have I told you a human is not some kind of dog you can…” as she pushed through the ponies to see what was actually happening she snatched the newspaper from Pinkie's grasp and began swat the drunken human over the head, “BAD! BAD HUMAN! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! THAT GOES IN THE BATHROOM! BAD HUMAN!”

Author's Note:

Well he said that was how it would end. I think few would argue Jake didn’t have it coming at that point…. :pinkiecrazy:

It is a night of pleasant chats and new chapters. This was not the original chapter, but after a drunken rant across the internet yesterday I was inspired ny my own assininess. :pinkiehappy:

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