• Published 18th Dec 2015
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Awkward Conversations And Other Stories - No one is home



A series of disjointed, interconnected stories about people and ponies. There are many conversations. All are awkward.

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Retribution (Train Wreck): Through Proper Channels

“I told that bastard what would happen if he pulled this shit.” Train Wreck turned to leave, only to find his way blocked by the Princess Luna. “With all do respect your majesty, I have one sister in the hospital and a mare I promised to protect has been returned to a very bad situation. Both were by the actions of your guard.”

“And now you will sulk off to fix our kingdoms problems by your own say?” Luna raised an eyebrow. “You, the glorious alien hero, charging off to ‘fix’ our world, because obviously you know better than us.”

“What am I supposed to do?” The monster fumed in agitation. “I tried to live a quiet, unassuming life! Hell, I was a baker’s husband. You don’t get much more unassuming than that! And you damned ponies set fire to me and buried me alive for it! But, hey, I got better. I woke up in a basement tied up by a confused and abused mare who was being pimped for political favor by her own family…”

“So you promptly abducted her into your own herd?” Luna interrupted, “You can see how that appears from the viewpoint of others. You could have brought the issue to the attention of myself or my sister. Miss Plate could have been safeguarded and her father brought to justice. Instead, you took it upon yourself to execute your own ‘justice’. You destroyed everything in your path to escape and sought to keep Miss Plate safe in your own custody. But you have no legal authority, thus it was easy enough for the fiend to use my own guards as his tools to re-abduct his daughter back into bondage.”

“By the same token Miss Plate could have taken you to the hospital.” Luna continued cooly not allowing any time for objections to be raised. “You could have received the medical treatment you desperately needed. Instead she dragged you home, hid you from her parents and cared for you as best she could, but she was no doctor, as the resulting mess of scar tissue testifies. And now as a result of two errant ponies who simply refused to trust in the world around them, Miss Plate is in iminently more danger now, as her father has been threatened and enraged, and you have become an even more frightening spectacle, further alienated from a world that already feared and mistrusted you. And the irony is, that both of you were so very clearly motivated to help the other.”

“I-” The monster started, and then stopped. Everything she said was true. He had only sought to help, but in the end the princess was right on every point. Not only was Carrot in worse danger than before, Z had gotten hurt and was laying in a hospital right then, because of him. “You’re right your majesty.”

“Well then,” Luna nodded curtly, “Are you going to sulk about it, or are you going to come with me and teach this arrogant stallion that the law of Canterlot is not his personal plaything, and will not tolerate his abuses any longer?”

The Princess of the Night did not wait for a reply. Without another word or a look back she was out the door and into the air. Train Wreck for his part galloped hard beneath her through the streets below. The ground shook, ponies ran for cover and the owner of at least one fine china shop submitted an only slightly exaggerated claim for damages from the resulting tremors.

Thus it was that they were by no means unexpected when they arrived. Golden Plate stood sulkily among his peers of the noble houses of Canterlot., surrounded by more than a dozen private unicorn guards.

“That’s far enough, beast!” The lead guard growled as his fellows lowered their heads and charged their magic in unison.

“Stand down!” Princess Luna commanded as she landed gracefully. “Stand down unless you wish to assault your reigning sovereign!”

The guards shuffled nervously but held their ground. A unicorn stallion, quickly recognized by both the princess and the former human as Fancy Pants approached the princess, pointedly ignoring Train Wreck. “Greetings your majesty, I believe I know why you’re here, and I think you’ll find the matter is already quite well taken care of.”

“Where is Carrot Plate?” the monstrous stallion advanced dangerously.

“Once we became aware of the situation with the Plate household your majesty, the noble houses took action to place Miss Plate in a safe environment fitting to her station and beyond the reach of any… less seemly influences.” The stallion gave a pointed look to the scarified monstrosity he otherwise continued to ignore. “She has been placed on a train to Manehattan where she will serve as the Nanny for the Saddle Arabian Ambassador's foals. She will be safe, well treated and well taken care of. She will be protected from her father’s abuse and the noble houses will be protected from any arising scandal. We have no need for lawless monsters to settle our affairs in Canterlot, thank you very much.”

“Fancy Pants,” Luna spoke severely, “What exactly is the meaning of this?”

“Miss Carrot Plate is safe.” Fancy Pants examined one hoof as if it were the most important thing in the whole of Equestria. “She has been removed from a toxic home environment, and she is gainfully and productively employed. The problem has been solved.”

“I see.” Train Wreck fumed quietly. “So long as Carrot Plate is safe, then, I have to attend to my own family.”

The argument between Luna and the noble stallion fell on deaf ears as the monster known as Train Wreck stalked off towards the hospital.

-=-=-=-=-

“They took Z’s sister, Carrot?” Z-978 lay in her hospital bed sobbing in confusion. “We must get her back! We must go to this thing that is Manehattan and we must get her back! She is our family!”

“It’s not that simple honey.” Surprise patiently explained to the heart-broken changeling. “Legally, Carrot wasn’t actually a member of our herd yet. Unless she comes back on her own we would be abducting her.”

“She’s safe.” Train Wreck bowed his head saddly. “That’s all I ever wanted. If we push this, Z, one of you could get hurt again. Or Carrot could get hurt.”

“It’s not fair!” The confused changeling sulked.

“They can take anything they want from us!” Diane’s rage was more articulated. “They can take anything the want and the Nightmare Princess will just let them! Why does Princess Luna hate us so much, Uncle Train Wreck?”

Outside the door, the Princess of the Night backed away and left quietly. The nobles had sent their message, and it had done far more damage than she had thought possible.

Author's Note:

As predicted, rainbows and happiness! :trollestia:

At least Carrot Plate is safe from the abuse of her family. :pinkiecrazy:

To preemptively address any calls that Fancy Pants was out of character, I want to point out that Train Wreck did in fact act as a lawless vigilante. Sure FP is a nice guy, but when you attack the very institutions that he's built his life around, he's gonna play hard-ball. And he did make sure Carrot Plate was sent to a safe invironment.

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