Holiday Special Part 1: The Satan-a-Clause

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"Hey Ki we gotta 128 lb box going to rock-country, they want it there by Hearth's Warming?" Worker Changeling Z-978 shouted across the ware-house. I'm pretty sure that's not his real name. I'm almost certain it's some kind of changeling "in" joke. Mostly the ponies call him "Z", I go with "Zeke". I mean if we're using fake names anyway why not Zeke?

"Well they can want Santa to wear naughty stockings and stuff coal where the sun don't shine up the baby Jeebus, doesn't mean we can deliver it," I answered the implied question of, "Can we do that?"

"Gotcha dude," Zeke replied levely, "Ya know, I don't even get pony holiday references, much less human, but even I'm kinda offended by that."

"For real, man," Leaf Blower, a minty green stallion with the most ridiculous pink dreadlocks imaginable (just imagine if pink dreadlocks could look more ridiculous; if you can't imagine pink dreadlocks you are a lucky soul) piped up from a haphazard pile of boxes, "You're really harshing my vibe. I mean you're, like, a pretty cynical dude, and I'm down with that, but Dayuuum, that was harsh. Just ponies trying to get their presents on time."

"Yeah, yeah," like it matters that ponies want to get their presents on time, "Look, quickest freight train we get from here to there takes two days. If we're lucky, REALLY LUCKY, it gets there by thursday evening, where it sits in THAT depot’s warehouse until saturday because they're still gonna be running the deliveries that came in wednesday and if they're really on top of things they might get it signed in and sorted out, but noponies gonna be making deliveries on Hearth's Warming. So they get it on monday. At best. Shit we can do on this end."

"It's an over-night direct delivery by truck, dude," Leaf Blower just wasn't gonna let this lie, "We could totally have it there by Hearth’s Warming!!"

"And have the driver back by, what, saturday?" I already had my argument ready for this, "So who's gonna spend their holiday on the road, halfway between Twiggs Depot and rock country? You, maybe? Isn't your sister from ponyville coming in for the holidays?"

"Pegasus Next Day Air?" Leaf made one last desperate attempt to save his case for a holiday miracle.

"Hundred and twenty eight pounds, Leaf," Zeke saved me the trouble, "Ki's right, even if he is being an ass about it."

"On behalf of donkeys everywhere I am offended by your micro-agressions," I said in my best mock wounded voice, eliciting a chuckle from Zeke and a glare from Leaf.

"I'm pretty sure that was a racist joke," Leaf glared between us, "Just because there aren't any donkey's around doesn't make it okay to use the 'a' word!"

"It's okay, I'm using 'ass' meaning 'butt'," Zeke laughed with that weird buzzy voice of his (hers? I honestly don't know. It's never come up and I'm not gonna ask.), "I'm calling him a 'plot-hole', you're not gonna tell me you of all ponies are gonna get offended by a plot hole?"

Ever see that moment when friends take shit too far? It was THAT moment. Sure Leaf could be over-sensitive about shit, but that was low. And it was instantly clear that he wasn't going to take this well.

"Ki, I want to file an incident report," he stomped angrily and instantly took this in the worst direction possible.

"Now calm down Leaf," I had to choose my words careful here, "Z-978 didn't mean anything by that. We're all friends here."

"No!' he actually stamped both his front hooves that time, "This isn't just me being overly sensitive! Z was making fun of me for being a c-colt cuddler!"

"Sorry, dude," Zeke said quietly, "I was just teasing ya. I forget it's such a big thing with ponies."

"I-I don't know, dude, you know I don't like that!" Leaf stammered.

"Look," I stepped in before this turned into a full-on-children's-story-morality-play, "Rough's coming in next week to check on our status. If you're still upset we can all sit in and have a meeting, and discuss workplace boundaries or something. How's that? Once I file a formal report, that's filed. For all I know that's what sets off 'friendship problems' but it definitely involves getting the government involved. I swear to all the gods in hell, if I have to sit through a government 'sensitivity' class I will strangle you both. One little pseudo-equine neck in each hand. So just get along until the big boss comes around.. Can you do that for me?"

"Geeze," Zeek visibly flinched, "Ya, know Leaf, if ya wanna file a report on the supes anger issues I totally got your back."

Leaf laughed nervously and the situation was defused.

"So what's Big Gay Tumbler, coming in for, ain't he got fancy 'Guard Training'," I shot Zeke a meaningful glare, to which I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes (it's impossible to tell with bug eyes), and retorted, "What? I call him that to his face. I swear it's just not a big deal with changelings."

"He just wants to come in and have a look around," I shrugged, "Make sure I'm keeping you clowns busy. You know, boss stuff."

“Okay, so what do I tell this mare, ‘Diane’, about her hundred and twenty eight pound box of rock candy?” Zeke didn’t realize the weight of the guillotine he’d just dropped on my head, but he must have seen me twitch, “Uh you okay, Ki? You don’t look so good?”

“Did you say Diane?” I tried to keep the twitching in my eyebrow at a minimum, “and rock candy”

“Isn’t that, like, a human name, dude?” Leaf perked up, “Wow, is this, like some human you knew back home or something?”

“No,” I shook my head gravely, “It’s a pony. It’s a pony using her most serious name to let me know just how serious this is.”

“So… what?” Zeke looked at me all confused-like, “Didn’t you just tell us both how there was nothing we could do about it, anyway?”

“Yeah,” I sighed heavily, “Because who wants to spend their holiday halfway between Twiggs Depot and Rock Country? And there’s no way I’d ask any of our drivers to ruin their holiday just because some other pony couldn’t be bothered to send a package in a timely fashion.”

“So who’s gonna drive it?” Leaf Blower looked confused momentarily, then it sank in, “But…”

“I don’t celebrate Hearth's Warming anyway,” yeah that should settle it.

“What about Neon Baby Jeebus Parade?” okay, understand that their only source of answers where human culture is involved has a strange sense of humor.

“Didn’t celebrate Baby Jeebus back home, either,” I said plainly with determination, “But this is about Satan-a-Clause. And be damned if I don’t believe in Satan-a-Clause!”

“The Big Red Crimmus Devil of Presents?” Zeke perked up, apparently they really paid attention to my stories. Harmless enough, so long as they never go to earth. Then it becomes hilarious..

“Yep,” I nodded, “Load it on the truck. I‘m rolling out at dawn headed for rock country!”

It’s a secret rule of Satanism that if a true believer in the spirit of the holidays asks a satanist by their middle name to deliver a present on time, and we can, we pretty much have to do it. It’s contractual obligation. Pinkie Pie had somehow invoked the Satan-a-Clause.

Holiday Special Part 2: The Road to Rock Country

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“So… not complaining about the ride-along,” I opened, “But I thought you were gonna go back to the hive in Canterlot for ‘Hive Lighting’ or whatever you call your light based winter holiday.”

“Heh,” Zeke laughed from the passenger seat as equestria past the windows, “Actually, yeah, it IS Hive Lighting. I think that might be the first cultural reference you’ve gotten right. But shit’s weird at the hive right now. I mean don’t get me wrong, the idea of a changeling brothel is pure genius. But that’s the Hive. I mean, have enough respect to not piss in your own sink! Ya know what I mean?”

“No,” I answered honestly, “No, I have no idea what those feels are. But I know what it’s like when you can’t go home. And even if you could, ‘home’ isn’t the place you left in the first place anymore.”

“Yeah,” Zeke nodded and then looked thoughtful, “So, Ki, why you call me ‘Zeke’?”

“Well,” I think about it for a second and then answer, “I can’t go around calling you ‘Worker Changeling Z-978’ , and ‘Z’ isn’t really a name. It’s just a letter. So I went with ‘Zeke’.”

“Yeah,” Zeke nodded slowly, “That makes sense. So is ‘Zeke’ a male or female name?”

“Well, Kiki’s a girls name,” I expertly maneuvered across the minefield I’d been navigating since since we’d become roommates six months ago, “Most would pronounce it ‘Key-Key’. which is a mexican girl's name. But it’s ‘Kie Kie’, which is a native american girls name. Mom swore to her death it was a native american boys name, though.”

“Yeah,” Zeke shifted uncomfortably, “60% of that was human cultural jargon and the other 40% was complete bullshit dodging the question. Do you see me more as a mare or a stallion?”

Seriously? Well, this conversation is going to happen. Six months living and working together and it never comes up untill Hearth’s Warming Day, two thirds of the way into rock country. Okay, fine. We are going to have this awkward conversation.

“Well I’m kinda not the one keeping that secret,” I admit freely, “I don’t know. I assume you morph an appropriate ‘yuck-hole’ when you use the bathroom. Hell, I don’t even know if ‘Worker Changeling Z978’ is actually your name, or if you’re really milking the hell out of the best joke ever.”

“Chrysalis was a bitch,” Z-978 got quiet for a minute and then went on, “Worker Changeling Number Nine Hundred and Seventy Eight was my entire existence. I added the ‘Z’ later, after we’d all escaped. After twenty years of being Worker Changeling Nine Hundred and Seventy Eight, it was the single most creative thought I had ever conceived. And I’ve always wondered why you called me ‘Zeke’....that’s all.”

“Ze….Z, I am so sorry,” well who’s got two thumbs and just realized what an ass-hole he’s been, yep, this guy.

“No, it’s totally cool, look I’m sorry for making things weird,” Z stammered,, making me feel even worse, “Actually I like ‘Zeke’. And things are cool. Mind you, if Leaf tried to call me ‘Zeke’ I’d beat the gay out of him. What? Don’t look at me like that. I swear I would. His overly sensitive crap pisses me off because he doesn’t get it. But you do.”

“Get what dude?” I was totally lost. Not surprising, I’ve literally been totally lost since I got here. I quite literally have only a vague notion of where I actually am.

“Okay, you’re gonna make me come out and say it,” Z laughed, trying and failing to make this less awkward, “You’re not a pony. I know Leaf blower catches some shit from the townies for being a colt-cuddler, but at the end of the day they still see him as another pony. He’s not some weird alien everypony assumes wants to seduce them to steal their love, or have weird monkey sex. Because our species have pretty much the exact same reputation.”

“Yeah,” I had to laugh, “Humans just want to run around having sex with and turning into ponies. It’s all we ever do.”

“I know right,” Z laughed easily, as the tension left the truck, “I mean 'she’s a changeling, and you know how they ‘feed’' right?”

“She, huh?” I wasn’t all that surprised. It was always a fifty fifty shot, “Honestly Zeke was just one of the only two ‘Z’ names I could think of. And Zelda’s a video game back home.”

“You have a video game called ‘Zelda’?” Z cocked her head to the side and asked curiously.

“It’s legendary, “ I confirmed with a straight face.

“But you never answered my question,” she pressed on, “Is Zeke a male human name, or a female human name?”

“Male,” I finally confessed, “I was never sure, so I always figured it would be less weird to assume you were a guy.”

“That’s reasonable enough,” she nodded, “Mostly back at the hive I was whatever the pony providing the love wanted me to be, before that I was a numbered worker drone. To be honest, there were times I wondered if I ever really escaped at all really. That’s when I heard Rough Tumble was opening a depot out in the boonies. I put in my application and left Canterlot before I even heard I’d got the job.”

“Huh,” I really didn’t know what to say to that.

“Well?” Z looked expectant, “That’s my dramatic how I got here story. I showed you mine. Your turn.”

“Well,” I rubbed the back of my head, “I was just sitting at my apartment and this weird writing appeared and asked me where I wanted to go. And I said upstate New York, because it was the holidays and I wanted to see this friend of mine who had moved up there a couple of years ago.”

“So how come you ended up in Equestria, and not this upstate new york place?” Z asked the perfectly reasonable question.

“Apparently there are rules to how much stuff you can take. I took too much, so it sent me to the wrong place,” yeah, that’s what happened, “I’m going to beat the fuck outta those words as soon as I figure out how to beat the hell out of some words.”

“Wow,” Z put a hoof on my shoulder, normally not something I’d be especially comfortable with, but this once I was willing to let it slide, “It took away all your friends, everything you ever had, hell it took your entire world away from you… because you wanted to bring too much stuff? I kinda see why you don’t talk about it.”

“Yeah,” I didn’t say anything else you several miles, then I continued, “That’s the only remotely interesting part of the story anyway. I was homeless in Ponyville. So I went looking for work with this new trucking company. I’m pretty good at running a warehouse so when Rough said he was setting up a regional depot in Twiggs I took the promotion and moved out to the boonies,”

“So let me get this straight,” Z said levely, “You were transported to a magical alien world and the first thing you did was go get a job at a warehouse?

“Well it was either that or eat out the dumpster behind sugar cube corner,” Z gave me this little kinda-grossed-out look, “I only did that once.”

“Seriously, Ki,” Z laughed, “You are the most boring human I’ve ever heard of.”

“What, was I supposed to sleep with all the princesses until they turned me into some alicorn sex machine? I mean, honestly, just because that one guy did that, I can’t just have a decent warehouse job?”

“You’re preaching to the choir, my friend,” Z nodded enthusiastically, “Same here, the last queen pretty much set a certain standard for how changelings interact with ponies. When the new queen turned it into an outright business things just got weird… turn right here.”

“Oh shit, thanks,” I said making the turn quickly, “So you’re a female?”

“Well,” Z replied thoughtfully, “technically as a sapient worker drone, sex is purely a function of emotional processing for me.”

“Wait,” I was confused again, a lot of that going around today, “You feed off me like twice a week, and we’ve never had sex. Even when we were both drunk.”

“Well,” Z was clearly embarrassed. Served her right for starting this whole talk, “It’s obviously not the only way I can harvest emotions, just the easiest. You never asked so I assumed you weren’t interested and kept myself strictly gender neutral.”

“And for six months things never got weird until today,” I laughed and shook my head, “Is that a giant Stone egg?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

We had arrived.

Hard Reset (Z): Worker Changeling 978

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This story takes place after the Silveverse is reset to this point. Not my fault David Silver hit the reset button, he's the Dungeon Master in this crazy game. (always blame the Dungeon Master)

“Worker Changeling 978?”, Stand In read the name without looking up from the paper-work in front of her.

“Z”, the changeling on the other side of the desk said tersely.

“Excuse me,” as a leader caste changeling, Stand In wasn’t accustomed to back talk from drones.

“My name is Z-978,” the defiant drone insisted, “We’re free citizens of Equestria, I don’t see any reason to keep living under the Bitch Queen’s bad joke.”

Stand in let out a long sigh, “Fine ‘Z’-978, As I’m sure you’re aware, thanks to the generosity of the ponies of Canterlot, we will have enough harvested love that culling low-functioning drones won’t be an issue, thankfully.”

“But?” Z-978 asked, waiting for the other boot to drop.

“But, sacrifices still have to be made,” Stand In went on stoically, she didn’t like being the one to hand out the bad news, “All higher-functioning drones are being asked to leave the hive until such time as proper feeding pods can be built and food stores can be made to accommodate them.”

“Y-you’re kicking me out?” Z stammered in shock.

“It’s hopefully temporary,” this was the part of the job she really hated, “You’re a high functioning drone. You could probably pass yourself off as a leader caste if you were talking to ponies. You have initiative, free will, and you can fend for yourself. We need you to make room for less fortunate drones who can’t do that.”

“But….” Z-978 let that one word hang in the air, unsure how to continue.

“I know,” Stand In shook her head sadly, “But the fact that you can even argue with me only proves my point. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll just have to extract love directly on a face to face basis. Just make sure you only extract from WILLING ponies. And nopony from Canterlot. any love extracted from this city is the property of the hive.”

“Where am I supposed to go?” Z was shaken to the core, “How am I supposed to find willing donors?”

Stand In sighed again, this was going to be a long day, “Well, Ponyville’s closest. I heard there’s another queen in Manehattan, maybe she could use a smart drone. Look, I’m really sorry, but that’s just how it is. Get a job, make some bits and pay ponies to let you suck up some of their emotional nectar. Hell if you don’t have the bits, there are definitely other ways to pay off ponies.”

Z-978 blushed and looked away, saying nothing.

“I'm sorry I really am,” Stand shook her head, “But you’re not the first changeling I’ve had to have this talk with today, and you’re far from the last. We all knew things were gonna be tough when we escaped, Just remember, at least we’re not owned by HER anymore. I know it seems like cold comfort, but there it is. You’ve got 48 hours to make arrangements. You’ll be given as many bits as we can spare to get you started. I know it looks harsh, but this is what freedom looks like.”

“Yeah, freedom,” Z-978 said dejectedly, as she shuffled out of the office.

Behind her she could hear the leader changeling already calling the next name, “Beast Of Burden-1065!”

“It's not good news, “ Z-978 said to her hive-mate as they passed, “Geez, the Bitch Queen really knew how to stick it in and break it off when it came to names….”

Hard Reset (Z): Ponyville Briefly

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“So, Darling?” an almost painfully white unicorn mare with lavender mane, and tail, both expertly styled, took the seat next to Z-978 on the train to Ponyville, “Are you going to Ponyville, as well.”

“Yeah,” Z-978 nodded, “And I doubt if I’m the only one on the train. Hard times at the new hive. There’s too many drones, too many changelings, making too many problems, and not much love to go ‘round. This is the world we live in. What can you do?”

“Yes,” the mare nodded, and gave Z-978 a sympathetic look, “I was in canterlot on business and I read all about it in the papers.”

“Yeah,” Z-978 fought back the urge to sneer, she’d read some of those headlines herself, “Changelings: Refugees or The Enemy Within”, jumped out in particular. In a lot of ways, it felt good leaving Canterlot. But still, this mare WAS trying to be nice.

“I’m Rarity darling,” the mare said with a smile.

“I’m Z-978,” the changeling gave a friendly reply.

“I’m sorry darling, did you say your name was Z-978?” Rarity raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, miss,” Z-978 nodded enthusiastically.

“Do you mean Queen Chrysalis only gave you a serial number?” Rarity withdrew in shock and outrage, “I knew she was cold but… oh you poor thing!”

“You misunderstand, Miss Rarity,” Z-978 helpfully corrected, “Z-978 is the name I chose for myself when we escaped from the old hive.”

“So,” Rarity said flatly, almost certain she was the butt of some kind of changeling joke, “You named yourself Z-978.”

“Yes,” Z-978 nodded quickly.

“And before that you had another name,” Rarity continued, questioningly.

“Uh-Huh,” Z-978 smiled and nodded.

“And then after escaping from Queen Chrysalis,” Rarity said carefully, “You, of your own free will chose the name Z-978?”

“Exactly!” Z-978 smiled and clopped her hooves together, “You can call me Z if you’d like, most ponies find it easier.”

“I’m sorry to ask darling, and I truly hope it’s not rude,” Rarity floundered in the unknown waters she found herself immersed in, “But are there 977 other ‘Z’s’?”

“Nope,” Z-978 laughed a little at what she was pretty sure was a pony joke, “Just me.”

“I… see,” Rarity nodded slowly, now certain this was some kind of joke at her expense, “I just find it odd, because I met several changelings during my business trip, and they didn’t use letters and numbers for names.”

“Leader Caste changelings probably,” Z-978 supplied helpfully, “Or drones using whatever name a leader gave them. I chose my own name. Made it up myself.”

“Oh… well, I suppose that would make a certain amount of sense,” Rarity agreed awkwardly, “If you don’t mind me asking, what was your name before you escaped?”

“Worker Changeling 978,” Z replied cheerfully.

“You know,” Rarity said cooly, “It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me, but you should at least have the decency to say so!”

Z-978 fell silent with a long buzzing sigh and turned to watch Equestria pass through the window of the train.

Z took in the sights of Ponyville with interest and curiosity. Everything just looked so clean and festive. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a creature digging around in the dumpster behind what looked like a giant gingerbread house. If she wasn’t mistaken it looked like one of those “human” things. Obviously a low functioning drone, left unattended. It was sad, but Z-978 had her own troubles and too much to decide.

“Wow,” said an orange mare with a ridiculously mismatched mane and tail colored purple and cyan, respectively, “You’re just gonna walk around right in front of them?”

“And you’re blending in beautifully,” Z smirked, “Honestly, why even wear a disguise if you’re not going to try to look like a real pony?”

“It’s not a disguise!” the other changeling pouted, “It’s my… hey! Wait a minute… You thought this was a crappy change-job, didn’t you!”!”

“Guilty,” Z laughed easily in the company of the fellow drone, then grinned wickedly. “So show me I’m wrong, do that Pink Pony over there.”

“I’ll do you one better, I’ll do the human she’s trying to lure into a box-trap with cup-cakes,” the strange changeling said with confidence.

“I’m calling bull shit on...holy shit,” Z-978 had been surprised very few times in her life, but to change into a nearly unknown species, on the spot... The drone only held it for a second before popping back into a completely different horribly mismatched pony mare. Purple, green, orange, and black. And there were stripes, vertical and horizontal.

“You can call me Whatserface, it’s what all the ponies call me. I was a harvester, so I got a lot of practice changing. Like I said it’s not a disguise. If I was ‘disguised’ you wouldn’t even know I’m a fellow changeling, but I’m pretty sure every pony in town knows I’m a changeling though. I gotta Pinky Pie Party and everything when I got here. You’ll probably get one too, if you stick around long enough, she seems kinda pre-occupied at the… wow! What do you know? She caught him! Those humans make great pets, I’ve heard.”

“I’m Z-978,” Z smiled warmly, “You can’t believe how good it is to see a friendly face. So, why the not-a-disguise? If the ponies already know you’re a changeling, why not just save energy and stay natural?”

“Well,” Whatserface confided, “I may just be a drone, but I’ve figured out a few things spending so much time around ponies. Like why they’re afraid of us.”

“Duh,” Z-978 rolled her eyes. A non-changeling could never tell but Whatserface picked up on it, “We’re predators, they're prey, we use them for food.”

“Not really though, it’s not like we actually eat ponies” Whatserface shook her head vigorously, “It’s not like we litterally have ever at any time in history stolen their foals out of a clear blue sky for eating purposes. And yet they’re fine with griffons.”

Z raised a hoof in objection, and then immediately lowered it with a quizzical expression. It was a pretty good point.

“They’re afraid we could replace them and they’d never know it.” Whatserface explained, “So I keep a few really bad change jobs in the mix, that just scream ‘changeling’. That way, they can call me out, I can do my reveal and show I’m friendly, and the ponies feel a little safer that they could spot a changeling.”

“That’s… brilliant!” Z was truly impressed by her fellow drone.

“Yeah, I gotta system.” Whatserface nodded with a smile, “I’m headed out on the train to Fillydelphia tomorrow. I know about a pseudo-hive on the outskirts of the city harvesting love that accepts new members. Wanna come with? The downside is, you’ll probably miss your Pinkie Pie Party. Since it looks like she’s gonna be busy with her new pet.”

“Wow,” Z robbed the back of her chitinous head, “Sounds great, I’ve got a few bits I was planning to use to pay off ponies for some feeding time, but guess I could use it for a train ticket.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Whatserface waved a dismissive hoof, “Train ticket is my treat. Trust me. You just listen to big sister Whatserface and pretty soon the ponies will be paying you.”

Hard Reset (Z): Do Changelings Dream of Electric Aphids?

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Z rode along beside her human supervisor quietly on the long road back to the depot from rock country. Part of her conscious mind recognized this human as the same feral human drone she had watched eating out of a dumpster in ponyville earlier that same day, but the logic of dreams refused to acknowledge this fact.

“What’s buggin’ ya Z?” the human (“Ki”, she thought, his name is “Ki”) asked.

“Seriously?” she gave the human an incredulous look, “I mean, you’re actually gonna throw out a bug joke with the first pitch?”

“Oh..shit,” Ki stammered, “I’m sorry Z… I didn’t mean…”

“Oh damn,” Z laughed out loud, “I can’t believe you thought I was for real offended, by that!”

“Dammit!” her human laughed, “Goddammit! Ya got me good with that one. But seriously, something's bothering you.”

“You keep calling me ‘Z’,” she admitted shyly.

“It’s your name, right?” Ki shrugged feeling self-conscious, “It’s what everybody else calls you…”

“No. it’s what everyPONY else calls me,” Z insisted, “YOU call me Zeke.”

“Well,” Ki admitted sheepishly, “I wasn’t sure if you were male or female when I started calling you Zeke. Hell I wasn’t sure if changelings even HAD male or female. Now…”

“Now you're embarrassed that you hadn’t noticed the changeling you’ve been living with for almost year was a girl bug and not a boy bug?” Z supplied dryly.

Somewhere in her conscious mind wheels spun without traction. Why would she be alright with this human, this alien THING calling her anything but the name she chose. No one named Z-978. Z-978 chose her own name. And yet here she was sitting in this… thing… the dream told her it was a “delivery truck”, feeling confused and even a little hurt that this human wasn’t naming her like a pet. But, then she thought, why does anypony do the things they do in dreams?

“Well, yeah, basically,” the strange human who ate out of dumpsters, who she wanted to see her as special for some reason that simply refused to make sense, rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, “I was never sure if that was your real name or if you were just pranking the ponies. Although, in hindsight, the lack of robots makes it pretty damned unlikely you’d be playing a robot joke…”

“Okay so you can’t call me Zeke anymore,” Z nodded, then immediately insisted “But you can’t call me ‘Z’ either. You’re not allowed.”

“Well, after everything you told me yesterday, I can’t very well just assign you a name,” Ki insisted vehemently, “You’re the most amazing drone in changeling history. And you don’t even realize it. All those other drones, they were just following the new queen. But you stood up on your own hooves and decided, ‘My name isn’t Worker Changeling, my name is Z and I'm leaving’ How could I possibly give you any name to compete with that?”

“Fine, then,” Z allowed herself a cute pout (“Why would I ever pout?” her conscious mind tried to question), “I’ll just name myself again. Zeena. Is that a name?”

“Barbarian warrior princess from ancient earth mythology. From the Nein Tease Dynasty,” Ki nodded sagely.

“Okay,” Z looked Ki square in the eyes, “You gotta answer this straight. When you go spouting human history like that, are you serious, or is that some long-running human joke?”

“It is serious,” Ki said somberly, then broke into a fit of snickering giggles, “Seriously the best joke ever! I make it just wrong enough that any human will instantly notice. But just right enough to sound a little more like human history than real human history. Some of my version is actually taught in Equestrian classrooms, I’m proud to say.”

“So you’re NOT really the last of the Mohawkians?” Z tentatively asked.

“Naw, there’s plenty of us back home,” Ki shook his head in reply, “We’re not hard to miss. Just look for the mohawk. We’re not super-common, but I’m far from the last. Hell, I might not even be the oldest.”

“So,” Z-978 nodded carefully, “Mohawkians are really a thing, and Zeena is a real name?”

“Well, there are humans with mohawks,” Ki admitted, sheepishly, “I’m the only one who calls us Mohawkians. It seemed like there needed to be a word for that though, and no one else was naming it as a thing.”

“So you basically just made up a name for your entire tribe on the spot and then insisted it was a real thing?” Z-978 asked simply.

“Well...basically,” Ki rubbed the back of his head with his free hand as steered the truck down the long road, “When you say it like that…”

“I can respect that,” Z nodded and the declared, “From now on your name is Mohawkian Ki-673. And I will be Warrior Princess Zeena-978!”

“Nope-a-rooni!” a painfully pink, bouncy pony with an impossibly pinker and bouncier mane popped in out of nowhere, “Never really happened!”

The box trap closed on the human drone Z-978 had, after all only seen brief that morning before she got on the next train to Fillydelphia. So why should she worry about it? She couldn’t think of any reason why she should, and the dream went on.

“We’re gonna be bestest friends boy,” the pink pony attached a leash to the human's neck and scuffed his head like a dog, “We’re gonna bounce and party and play and I’m gonna name you George!”

“No,” Z-978 tried to argue, “He’s a living thing, even if he’s just a drone! You can’t just give him a name like he’s some pet!”

“Why not?” the evil pink pony smiled wickedly, her hue suddenly dulled, her mane inexplicably straight and limp, “You did after all.”

“But that didn’t happen!” Z-978 wasn't crying, because there was no reason why she should be crying. Why shoud she care if some pony wanted to keep some broken human drone for a pet? It wasn't like she had even really met that human before. That's why she wasn't crying. Her cheeks were just wet because of dream reasons.

“That’s right,” the pink demon grinned with pointed teeth, “He never got caught eating out of my dumpster only to immediately start looking for work in a warehouse. Just like you never ran away from your hive to end up in a changeling brothel. Nope. Nopers. Nope-a-rooni. Never. Really. Happened.”

“That was just…” Z-978 tried desperately to make sense of this sense of panic and loss.

Z felt a gentle poke at her side, and opened her eyes.

“You looked as though you were having a nightmare darling,” Rarity gave her a friendly smile.

“I- I dreamed I had this whole other life, and then it was gone,” Z buzzed in a hollow mono-tone.

“Awww, don’t worry, darling,” Rarity was engulfed in the flames of changeling magic and Queen Chrysalis stood before her, “You're never going to have another life Worker Changeling 978”

She was back in the old hive.

“No,” Z-978 stamped an angry hoof, “You don’t get to name me! My name is--”

“Z… Z! Wake up already!” Z awoke for real this time to the none-to-gentle prodding of Whatserface, “You were having a seizure or something. It was spooking the ponies on the train” Then in a louder voice addressed the gathering crowd, “It’s okay, everypony. She’s just having hive-separation anxiety. Perfectly normal changeling thing. It’s not dangerous and she’s gonna be fine.”

“Whatserface,” Z said shakily, “I think I just had a nightmare.”

“We’re both drones, Z,” Whatserface rolled her eyes, “Drones don’t dream. It’s a thing we don’t do. Remember having never dreamed before in your entire life up to this point? Wow. Whatever happened, it obviously did a number on you. Anyway, we’re almost to Dodge City, you gotta take the tour of the cherry orchards. The ponies love it!”

“Why would I want to see some stupid cherry orchard,” Z-978 asked in irritation.

“Because,” Whatserface grinned predatorily, “The ponies LOVE it.”

Hard Reset (Z): Looking for Love

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“Okay, time to put on some work clothes,” in an invisible flash of green fire Whatserface became a hideously yellow earth pony mare, with a garish red and black striped mane, “Now you do this same thing, but reverse the colors.”

Z-978 studied her fellow changeling for a moment and then flash into her near twin, with a black coat and a red and yellow striped mane and tail, “This good?”

“Right on sister,” Whatserface noded with a grin, “I’m gonna be… Debbie! And, let’s see… You like Z-names, so you can be Zilia! Yeah, I can work with that!”

“Those aren’t even pony names,” Z said flatly.

“Weren’t you listening yesterday you silly bug,” Whatserface grinned slyly, “That’s the point.”

“I understand that we need to fit in,” Z-978 nodded carefully, “And I get that we’re not really hiding. But why the fake names. Why not Whatserface and Z-978.”

“Okay, fine,” Whatserface stamped a hoof in irritation, “Try it your way. Go talk to that nice family over there, explain your situation and ask if they would mind you accompanying them on their tour.”

“I-I didn’t mean…” Z stammered.

“Well I did,” Whatserface insisted, “You gotta learn sometime, go try it your way. Go on, I mean it.”

The family in question seemed so ridiculous that Z momentarily thought this could a prank and they might be changelings, if it weren’t for the energetic filly bouncing between them. That was an energy that no changeling could mimic, not even Whatserface.

“Um excuse me sir,” Z walked up to the family shyly, “My name is Z-978...”

“YOU’RE A CHANGELING!” the white unicorn filly immediately pointed and shouted.

“Sweetie Belle!” Her mother admonished sternly, “You can’t just go around calling ponies changelings. I’m sorry miss, she does the craziest things trying to get her cutie mark…”

“It’s alright, really,” Z nervously rubbed the back of her head with her hoof, “Actually I AM a changeling and that’s kinda what…”

“I KNEW IT!” the white filly shouted, “Cutie Mark Crusader, Changeling Spotter!”

The filly then immediately stared at her own flank for four full seconds before deflating.

“See what I mean?” the obliviously pink mare gestured vacantly, “She calms down quickly enough once… wait, you’re a what now?”

“A changeling?” The mustached father cut in, “You must be from that new hive in canterlot. Our oldest daughter was just telling us how she had the most interesting chat with one your hive mates on the train yesterday. She said it seemed friendly enough, if a bit of a joker. Terrible things your people have had to go through. I’m Hondo, this is my wife Cookie, and our youngest, Sweetie Belle. We were taking a little family outing to see the cherry orchards. Simply beautiful this time of year. How can we be of service, young lady?”

“Well, sir, as you probably know, my people feed on ambient positive emotions, and I was wondering if you would mind if I... accompanied you on your tour?” Z gave the family her friendliest smile.

“Wait,” Hondo’s face scrunched up a little as her considered the implications, “Are you asking me if it’s alright if I let you feed off my family?”

“Well,” Z said with a little embarrassment, “I know it sounds…”

“It’s sounds down-right scary is how it sounds,” Hondo stepped between Z and his family, “Can’t we just donate time in the pods in Canterlot?”

“Well, you see sir,” Z attempted to explain only to be interrupted again, this time by the bee-hive maned pink mare (how could such hideous ponies have such an adorable filly?).

“Wait, Hondo,” Cookie cut in, “I read about this. They sent out volunteers into equestria to save food at the hive for the less fortunate and to teach ponies about changeling culture!”

“Yes ma’am!” Z-978 smiled brightly, “I was volunteered into the free-range initiative!”

“Ooh,” Sweetie Belle leaned in closely, “Can you do Princess Luna?”

“Well, I can, but...” with a flash Z was replaced by a pony-sized copy of the princess of the night, which she held for exactly three seconds, before changing into her natural self with a little bow, “Making an exact copy, or holding it for more than a few seconds for demonstration purposes could get me in a lot of trouble. Somepony might think I was impersonating royalty.”

“Do changelings get cutie-marks?” Sweetie continued to question her relentlessly.

“Sweetie, dear, don’t be a nuisance,” her mother chastised, but Z shook her head.

It’s alright,” Z said happily, “That’s part of what I’m out in the world for, and no miss, changelings don’t get cutie marks in the sense that ponies do. Although I can imitate a cutie mark and change it if I want.”

“You can have ANY cutie mark you want???” Sweetie Belle's eyes widened in awe, “Dad, can we take her with us? You gotta! It’s um… that thing you like so much… educational.”

“Well,” Hondo rubbed the back of his head with one hoof, unable to say no to his youngest daughter, and turned to his wife, “What do you think, dear?”

“I think Sweetie has a point,” Cookie smiled gently, “It’s a chance to learn about a new culture, and a chance to help somepony who really needs our help.”

“You’re right of course dear, our famil has plenty of love to share with a hungry changeling, especially one as well mannered as our friend Miss Z” Hondo laughed, “How can we say no when we’re the parents of the Element of Generosity.”

“Now he’s just dropping names,” Cookie swatted playfully at her husband, "Come along dear, you’re simply going to LOVE the cherry blossoms. They really are a sight.”

“Oh, oh,” Sweetie hopped around Z excitedly, “Can you do Scootaloo, I gotta picture…”

As she walked towards the orchard in her natural form with the happy family Z turned and stuck her tongue out playfully at her fellow changeling.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Whatserface declared, “She actually did it.

Failure to Launch (Ki): Drinking Game

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“What?!?!” Rainbow Dash hovered above her pink friend in annoyance.

“”I just said, that my mohawk human is more awesome than your boring old normal plain vanilla human.,” Pinkie smiled slyly, “What? It’s just a fact. Nothing to get upset over.”

“First off,” Dash insisted, “Who said Jake was MY human, he lives with Twilight, so if anything he’s HER human…”

“Just because your human’s not as awesome as mine, is no reason to blame it on Twilight,” Pinkie pointed out cheerfully, “After all, he follows you around like he was yours. And you let him. Honestly just because I’m better than you at having awesome humans…”

“No!,” Rainbow dash landed so as to stomp the ground with all four of her feet at one time, “Fine, you wanna say Jake is my human? That’s just because he’s by far the most awesome human ever! Why do you think the ambassador sent him to Ponyville. Because he’s that awesome. Your human’s getting deported all the way to Vanhoover because he’s so lame the ambassador know’s he’ll just lame up Ponyville!”

“You take that back!” Pinkie Pie glared angrily at her friend, “You take that back right now, Rainbow Dash!”

“What? It’s true,” the cyan, mare grinned maliciously, unaware perhaps how deep her words were cutting her friend, “Not only that, but, your human is so old, he’s got more grey in his mane than Mayor Mare!”

“Oh yeah,” Pinkie stood on her hind legs shouting, “I’ll bet Ki could drink Jake under the table in a cider drinking contest!”

“A cider drinking contest? Seriously?” Dash laughed heartily, “Puhlease! I have personally trained Jake in the fine art of holding your cider! What chance does your smelly old human have against that kind of training?”

“Ki is a mohawkian!” Pinkie declared with pride and confidence, “In the battle of 1999 the Mohawkian party warriors drove back the dreaded Jagermonster using drunkenness alone!”

“Fine, I’ll get Jake, You get Ki, and we’ll meet back at Berry Punch’s Tavern!” Dash flew off with determination.

-=-=-=-=-

“I wish Jake wouldn’t bother Rainbow Dash so much,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “It has to get on her nerves at least a little.”

“Yeah I know,” Spike agreed, “I mean the way he just follows Rainbow Dash around like a love-struck puppy dog, it’s just sad.”

The purple alicorn gave her assistant a funny look for a moment before shaking her head, “Well she can’t really complain this time, she came and picked Jake up herself.”

“Probably wants to get him to carry around her stunt gear all day,” Spike nodded sagely, then tsked, “It’s really shameless the way she manipulates him like that. Somepony should really say something. It’s not right for a mare to play off somepony’s feelings like that just to get free labour.”

“”We ARE talking about Dash and Jake, right?” Twilight looked momentarily troubled.

“Of course Twi,” Spike nodded vigorously, “Who else could we be talking about?”

Twilight gave her head a quick shake and decided once more to just let it be, “Did she even say where they were going?”

“Something about some kind of contest with, and I’m quoting Dash directly, ‘Pinkie’s stupid, old, broken down, lame-flanked human’...” Spike shrugged, “I think they were going to Berry Punch’s Tavern.”

“What?” Twilight let out a ragged sigh.

“Apparently,” Spike explained, “Pinkie told Dash that ‘her’ human, Ki, was more awesome than ‘Dash’s’ human, Jake. Dash took it as a challenge. Now they’re competing to see who has the most awesome human.”

“Grrrr…” Twilight seethed, “I knew it! Pinkie Pie is dragging Ki around like some kind of exotic pet! THIS is why Ambassador Silver is transferring him so far outside ponyville!”

“Really?” Spike raised an eyebrow, “Because in his report he said it was because, and again I’m quoting, ‘These two forces of chaos must be separated and soon, and never again be allowed to come together for the sanity of Equestria…’ “

“Yes, well,” Twilight gave her assistant a jaded look, “I think we can be pretty sure that was some kind of human joke. While they may not be the best influences on each other, aside from Pinkie’s tendency to treat the poor human like she owns him, they’re hardly a menace to the sanity of the nation. And isn’t it odd that the ambassador would ride all the way here and then wait until he returned to canterlot to send me a copy of his report?”

“Yeah,” Spike rubbed the back of his head with one scaly hand, “I guess, a little.”

“Well,” Twilight strode towards the castle entrance, with a sigh, “I suppose I should make sure Dash and Pinkie aren’t literally pitting them in some kind of ‘human-fight’. Hold down the fort here until I get back.”

“Will do!” Spike replied with a sharp salute, “I’m not allowed in the tavern after dark anyway.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Ey, Jake, wazzup,” Ki greeted his fellow human casually from across the table, downing his first cider with ease.

“Not alot Ki,” the younger human nodded in reply emptying his stein with equally practised ease, “Ya know, you totally don’t have to do this.”

“Neither do you,” Ki smiled easily as the number of cups between them began to grow.

“Are you kidding? Have you heard about their bet?” Jake said incredulously, still not slurring as he finished his fourth round, “If you win Dash has to wear the most frou-frou dress Rarity has all day tomorrow. And if I win Pinkie’s gotta wear clown make-up.”

“Seriously?” Ki looked cynical, downing two in one go just to make things interesting, “Clown makeup? 23% of her job involves being a literal clown.”

“Sad-clown-make-up,” Jake clarified, eliciting a shudder from Ki, as he matched the older man glass for glass, “Yeah, so I figure if I let Dash down on this, that’s it. I pretty much blew it. Why are you playing along? I mean, it’s not like Pinkie Pie would turn you out if you refused. And you’re leaving for Vanhoover in a couple of weeks anyway.”

“The Punk Rock Code forbids me from denying a challenge of booze,” Ki answered straightforwardly, chugging another mug and slamming it to the table, “Are you sure there’s alcohol in this?”

“So it’s a battle for love and honor then?” Jake grinned and Ki rolled his eyes, as the younger man easily kept his pace, “And don’t worry it’ll creep up on ya.

“You do know how many guys have ever actually slept with a girl who talked them into a drinking contest, right?” Ki replied flatly, pony’s watching in awe at the collection of cider mugs amassing between the two humans.

“Are you kidding?” Jake grinned with unimpeachable confidence, “When I win this, I’m gonna be her hero!”

“Yes, the number does, in fact, rhyme with hero,” Ki nodded.
-=-=-=-=-

By the time Twilight made it to the Tavern, the place was standing room only as ponies pushed and shoved to place bets and get a better look at the drunken spectacle.

“Pardon me?” Twilight approached a minty green exuberant mare, “What’s going on here?”

“”Oh, hey, Twilight,” Lyra turned on hearing herself being addressed, “The two local humans are engaging in some kind of human drinking competition.”

Twilight fought the urge to face hoof. Of course it was a drinking contest.

“I du-dunno if I can do it Dashheeee,” Jake’s drunken voice carried over the general din, “I’m shorry. Sho, sho, shorry….”

“You can do it Jake, come on, he’s old, he’s on the ropes,” Dash encouraged, “You pull this off, and we’ll go on a date… a for-real date!”

Jake shakily swallowed down the remains of his mug and slammed it on the table.

“Don’t let him show you up, Ki,” Pinkie cheered from her own side, “Show them that mohawkian fighting spirit! Remember if you win this I’ll marry you so you won’t be deported to Vanhoover!”

“Gods-dammits Diane!” The older human seemed to be in no better,shape than his opponent, “I... I keep shtryings to tells you! I’m not being dip-, deep-, dipped-ported! I’m getting a jobs!”

“And we’re tied at 26 mugs apiece!” Berry Punch announced as the crowd broke into raucous cheering and Twilight’s jaw dropped.

“Ah, know, sugarcube,” a familiar voice approached from behind, “Ah don’t know whether to be concerned, impressed, or scared silly right now.”

“What are you doing here AJ?” Twilight was a bit surprised to see her\ usually more reserved friend at such a spectacle.

“Berry Punch ran out of Cider, and Ah had to haul another barrell out. This keeps up Ah might have to make another run…”

“Ima gonna win this thing, old man!” Jake declared suddenly, flinging back a mug and honestly getting more cider on his head than in his mouth, “I’m win thish, and Ima ship with Rainbow….*hic*... Rainbow Dashie… and we gonna have awesome centaure babies!”

The crowd erupted into laughter, and Rainbow Dash tried to melt into the floor-boards.
“And, you’re just gonna live in Pinkie Pie's basement forever,” Jake grinned and pressed his smack talk, “And be old and broken with… f- fat.. ugly old Pinkie Pie! Everybody knows she’s the oldest of the mane mane shix! And it sh- shows!.

Rainbow Dash mouthed, “I am so sorry.” at Pinkie Pie as Ki simply sneered at the younger brony.

“The only way this ends little man,” Ki said as he calmly drained his latest cup, “Is with you lying on the floor in a puddle of your vomit and my urine, which probably has blood in it...MY BLOOD!”

“Oooooooo,” the ponies in the tavern antagonized.

“Okay this has gone on long enough,” Twilight put her hoof down and announced in her best imitation of the Royal Canterlot Voice, “IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP THIS CONTEST IS OVER!”

“Whalsh?” Jake objected, “I was Shtotally gonna win this f- for Dashie! THE POWER OF TRUE LO---uh, oh my god, Dasheeee, I an sho shorry, show berry, berry shor--ehhhhaggghua!”

“IT’S IN MY WINGS IT’S IN MY NOSE, I THINK SOME IS ON MY FLANK! IT’S EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!” Rainbow Dash panicked in horror.

“I’m shorry Dashh-ehwaguh!!!!!”

“THERE’S MORE OF IT!!!!” Dash’s horror shifted as her friend fell limply from his bar stool, “JAKE? Jake?!?! Are you alive dude? JAKE! Say something! Slap the floor twice if you’re okay.... uh Ki? What are you doing? NO! “

Suddenly Twilight could see Pinkie over everypony jumping on the table and swatting Ki with a rolled up Newspaper, “BAD KI! BAD! BAD HUMAN!”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie! How many times have I told you a human is not some kind of dog you can…” as she pushed through the ponies to see what was actually happening she snatched the newspaper from Pinkie's grasp and began swat the drunken human over the head, “BAD! BAD HUMAN! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! THAT GOES IN THE BATHROOM! BAD HUMAN!”

Failure to Launch (Ki): Fever Dreams

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~I really thought you were going to do better this time…~

Those damned words! Ki felt rage surge into his sluggish brain, “YOU, you sent me here! You took everything from me!”

~Yes, I did. A long time ago, and many times. And yet here you are lying unconscious in a hospital bed, laid low by your own hand once again. How many times are we going to dance this little dance before you admit some agency in your own fate?~

Ki found himself drifting on a hospital bed in a sea of hard cider, the nausea fighting it’s way into his subconscious. Pinkie Pie gave him a disapproving little side glance as she back-stroked past.

“You really did it this time,” the pink mare shook her head and tsked, “I tried my best, but you just don’t want to be in a good place. I’m sorry, but I could never ship with a dirty OC like you.”

And in a flurry of dolphin noises Pinkie swam off playfully into the sunset.

Ki sulked dejectedly as he floated along. To his left, he saw a changeling looking lost and alone floating by on a bit of flotsam that looked like it might be the seat of a train.

“You’re not the human I thought I remembered,” the changeling said in a sad buzzy little voice, and for some reason the accusation ripped him in half, “It’s ironic, really, the way you float. Is that why you can’t see the way you sink the world around you? You were supposed to find me!”

And the seat and the changeling sank beneath the frothy waves and were gone. Ki reached out helplessly, he tried to swim down, but the changeling was right. He just floated as the world sank around him.

“One more on the house!” he heard the cheerful voice of Berry Punch and realized the the sea, and the whole world had always been the inside of a cider barrel. As the bar-mare pulled the tap the whirlpool formed, drawing the lonely, dejected human to his doom.

“It’s easier not knowing really,” he could hear his friend’s sad voice over a telephone, “I know it’s horrible to say, but…”

“I understand,” he could hear his brother’s reply, “I feel the same way sometimes. He’s gone. And we’ll never know what happened, but in a lot of ways it’s easier than just watching his never ending quest to destroy himself. It IS horrible, but I think you may be right. Maybe it is easier this way…”

And then the voices faded as he was drawn into the abyss of foam and alcohol. And he was alone at the bottom of it all. A part of his mind thought he should drown, that he deserved to drown, but that was only one small piece of consciousness that fled quickly before the tide of guilt. The words were right. In the end he did this to himself. Over and over, he just wanted it to stop just like he always did. He just wanted this hellish train to hurry up and get to where everyone knew it was always going.

~And what if I had sent you to New York?~

“No,” the human shrank back into a ball, tugging at his hair, suddenly in an observation cell in a hospital’s psychiatric ward. They had taken everything from him. Even his pants. Dignity was for winners, “Don’t send me there… please…”

~Why not? It’s where you asked to go, after-all. You made me out to be a monster for not giving you what you asked for. Why shouldn’t I give you what you swore you wanted?~

“I know Ki,” her voice came in over an intercom in the ceiling, “I know how you feel, and I… don’t not feel the same way… but we’re both broken people. We’re better off with the way things are, than with a relationship that we both know is going to become toxic.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Ki demanded, slamming his fists helplessly into the reinforced plexiglass window. Outside Pinkamena watched him with sad eyes.

“Dammit! answer me!” his voice echoed off the walls, outside the sad pink pony slowly faded into nothing.

“This isn’t real! It’s a dream!” he pounded the walls helplessly, watching as human orderlies shuffled human patients through the hallway outside, “I’m not back here! Goddammit, don’t send me back here! Please!”

-=-=-=-=-

“Why isn’t he awake yet?” Pinkie looked worried, her eye’s moist, her cheeks puffy from crying all night, “Jake woke up hours ago!”

“The other human vomited most of the alcohol out, it never had a chance to process into his system,” the doctor explained calmly, “You’re friend is suffering from an acute case of alcohol poisoning. Right now his body’s shut itself down so it can save energy to fight the poison. There’s not much we can do really at this point, but try to keep him comfortable and hope his system can recover.”

“He can do it!” Pinkie sobbed, “He’s a mohawkian! He’s… he’s my friend! He can’t die! Not because of a stupid bet I made with Dashie!”

“Come on, Pinkie, visiting hours are almost over,” Twilight draped a wing over her friend and led her out into the hall, “They’ll send word if anything changes. He’s going to be alright.”

“Do you really believe that?” the pink pony asked sadly, her mane laying straight and limp.

“I do,” Twilight nodded, hoping she wasn’t lying, “He just needs time. I promise, Pinkie, he’s going to wake up and he’s going to be alright.”

-=-=-=-=-

Rainbow Dash shuffled nervously into the hospital room. Uncertainty wasn’t a thing the bombastic colorful mare was known for, but it ate at the pit of her stomach none the less.

“Hey,Jake,” she said nervously to the miserable looking human who was trying desperately to avoid eye contact, silently she thought, “He hates me now. How could anypony blame him?”

“I blew it,” Jake said in a hollow voice, “I had my big chance to be awesome, and I blew it.”

“What?” Dash replied incredulously, “No, don’t say that… don’t think that! That’s totally not what happened. Like, at all!”

“All I had to do was hold my cider!” Jake insisted bitterly, “Instead I puked on the most awesome pony in Equestria! How can that not be, ‘I blew it’.”

“Because! You! Didn’t!” Rainbow huffed and then fell into a little sulk, “I did. I was a lousy friend. At least three times you told me you didn’t want to do it anymore. But I couldn’t lose to Pinkie Pie. So I...I played you.”

“What? No Dash,” Jake shook his head, “You’re a great friend! You’re the element of loyalty! I should have been better. I should have been able to keep up!”

“Don’t you get it?” Rainbow snapped, “I used you. I played off your crush just so I could win a bet, and it almost got you… you could have been…”
‘
“Dash...” Jake just stopped as it all sank in, Rainbow Dash had used his feelings… he wanted to be mad, furious, and bitter, but at the same time he wanted to tell her that it was okay, that he was okay, then he remembered, “What about Ki? Is he...” the words dried up in his throat, at the cyan mare’s pained expression.

“He hasn’t woke up,” Dash closed her eyes, “The doctor’s don’t know if he ever will. They said his best chance is in the first 48 hours. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. That was almost you in that coma. Vomiting is what saved you. It pushed the alcohol out. I was so mad about that last night, but if my being embarrassed in front of everypony is the price I have to pay to keep a world with Jake in it… it’s no less than I deserve… I’m the one who gets to be sorry this time Jake.”

Rainbow Dash never cried, because Rainbow Dash is way too cool to ever cry. Jake and Rainbow Dash certainly did not spend the visiting hours discussing how they felt about what had happened, because both the pony and the humay were far too cool to ever just sit around a hospital room talking about their feelings. If you ever doubted, you would need only ask either, and they would be happy to tell you as much.

Pinkie Pie left her friend to rest, perchance to dream. She promised to come back every day until he woke up, but it wasn’t a promise she was able to keep. She had her own destiny, and it had never been to follow behind the insane and self-destructive antics of a broken human. She would return from Our Town to find that her Mohawked human friend had simply disappeared. Nopony on the hospital staff could quite account for what had happened, and in the end offered the less than helpful suggestion that perhaps he had simply gotten up and wandered off (Equestrian security being what it was, it wasn’t an impossible idea).

As for Z-978, Whatserface, and Gary the Goat…

That’s another story.

The End?

Day One (Ki): Been Here Before...

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But more than that I needed to get out. The words had put me back here. Back on the first day. Back in the cage. All my earlier screaming had earned me extra security when the orderly came to bring me my sandwich. Tuna fish salad. It was always tuna fish salad. this time through the loop they had taken my plastic-ware. I tried to remember if they had done that the last time. Much like the roll-down cage that kept me from doing anything crazy with the sink or toilet, I wondered at what they found to be the necessity of all this.

Did they really think I was going to drown myself in the toilet? Or that I had enough energy or determination to stab myself to death with a plastic spork? Or was it even my safety they were concerned with. I always wondered just what kind of psychopath they thought they were dealing with... but ultimately it didn't matter. They would transfer me over to the general population, sans pants and dignity, at 9:45, just like they always did.

The sandwich was unassembled, the tuna in a nondescript plastic tub in a little compartment with two slices of wheat bread, as always. In a second compartment there was a whole orange, and in a third a four ounce foil-lidded cup of apple juice. It always seemed strange that they would trust me with peeling my own orange, but not with a plastic spork. Surely they must realize that I'm at least somewhat functional.

"May I use the sink, sir?" I ask the security guard in my most even, most polite voice. They weren't going to let me out tonight, of course, but I still had three more days before it happened again. Three more days to get out and... do what?

"Why do you need the sink?" the guard asked suspiciously.

"Well," allowed myself a little laugh, which earned me an even more suspicious look, "If you can't trust me with a spork, and I'm gonna eat tuna fish salad with my fingers, I'd like to at least wash my hands first."

Gods, it's not like you didn't watch me on the camera flicking boogers at the wall to pass the time for the last hour. But I guess my request seems legit, because he rolls up the cage while another guard stands ready in case I start doing anything crazy with the facilities, and I wash my hands and eat without incident. Everything has to be without incident, if they're going to let me out before the fourth night. That's when the words are coming back. I don't know what good it will do me to be not-here. Maybe none. Maybe the words can snatch me up wherever I go. Throw me in that crazy world for however long it takes me to fail and then set me right back here where it started. But if that were the case why always throw me back here and now? Was it some test, one that I could never seem to pass? Or perhaps it just needed that special desperation of, "they're not gonna let you out anytime soon this time to make me play along."

Eventually the doctor comes in. The same doctor who never gives his name, and whose name I never ask.

"9:45 already? I say with a smile, and immediately realize my mistake as the doctor frowns.

"Did one of our staff tell you the time?" He asked in curious irritation, "You're not in trouble, but if one of the staff is interfering with your treatment..."

"No sir," I back-pedaled quickly, then lied, "I was just guessing, I have a pretty good sense of time. How close was I?"

"Within a couple of minutes," the doctor raised an eyebrow, "Well, it won't be too hard to go over the surveillance and find out, I suppose."

I relax immediately. That camera won't tell him anything about how I knew what time it was. Noting my calming mood the doctor goes on, "You don't seem to be an immediate danger to yourself anymore, or a danger to the other patients, so I'm moving you to the regular psychiatric wing. If you cooperate with your treatment you could be out by tomorrow afternoon."

That lying son of a bitch! I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying it to his face. But not bite it too noticeably, lest he might decide that I'm trying some really creative form of suicide. I mean they already think I might hang myself with pants. Biting off my own tongue, by comparison seems downright reasonable. At least it's a thing I can recognize as "I could see how that might be a thing." Because how can you hang yourself with pants, and for that matter how is it harder to hang yourself with a hospital gown?

So I sat in a wheelchair that structurally more resembled a shopping cart. Funny they didn’t even bother with restraints. Two hours ago they couldn’t even trust me to make a tuna sandwich and now they weren’t even going to bother with restraints. Not that I was running. It was 31 degrees outside and I wasn’t even wearing any pants. Honestly, where would I go?

I thought glumly about everything I had thrown away my last time around, and it suddenly occurred to me that every other time the words sent me back here it hadn’t bothered me. I hadn’t even noticed, even. Now as i thought back, I realized what a sorry record I had left in equestria. Was I trully the "plague” the words portrayed me to be?

Certainly the time before last I hadn’t been. I had lived a quiet unassuming life outside of Ponyville, I had good friends. For that one time around, both I and Equestria had been good to each other. For once I hadn’t self-destructed. The universe just went away, leaving me back here.

The last time was the worst. Because I wasn’t miserable anymore. I wasn’t just running wild out of spite for the world. I just stubbornly refused to follow the path, not learning until I had lost the game that the path had been carefully laid out before me to give me back my quiet happy life. But I sulked about things I had lost worlds ago. I knew I couldn’t stay with Pinky Pie, but I just kept telling myself, “Tomorrow, I’m gonna get on that train tomorrow. And I’m gonna go to Vanhoover and I’m gonna become a warehouse manager and have a good life.”

And then I was out of tomorrows. And now they’re checking me in and handing me all kinds of papers that explain meal times, day-room privileges, group sessions,and all the infinite minutia of institutional life. And in three days the world is gonna end again.

Awkward Conversations: I Know What You Did Next Summer

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This references the arrival of the Pinkie Pie from the One Step, Pink Step story by David Silver. If you haven't read it, just keep in mind the Pinkie Pie in this chapter is from an alternate universe. Then go read it. It's a good story.

It had taken time, and far more effort than navigating the void between worlds, but Pinkie had finally managed to convince her mane that it wanted to be straight when she was happy. She had managed to make enough bits working as a street performer in Canterlot to rent a modest hotel and buy an assortment of mane and coat dyes. By the end of the day she would be completely unique from this world’s Pinkie Pie.

“The only problem now, is if I run into Rarity, or maybe Twilight, or possibly,” she thought silently until she was suddenly surprised into blurting out, “Rainbow and Jake! Wow… totally unexpected and not really inconvenient to see you here!”

“Dashie?” Jake whispered, “I thought you said she wasn’t that depressed anymore?”

“I didn’t think she was,” Rainbow whispered back.

“Look at her mane!” Jake hissed.

“Right here, guys! I can totally hear you. But it’s okay,” Pinkie beamed a big smile, “Just a little ol’ restyling of the old mane. I CAN do that without an existential crisis, ya know.”

“Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash gave her a sad smile, “It’s okay to be sad. You don’t have to cover it up for us, we were there.”

Pinkie fought a panic, why would she be sad? What were they there for? Why was Rainbow Dash talking about feelings? Was it an alternate events thing, or an alternate Dashie thing?

“So have you heard from Gilda lately,” Pinkie changed the subject with practiced ease and totally didn’t just blurt it out.

“Why would I talk to that jerk?” Rainbow’s look of concern became a momentary glare, sending Pinkie into another round of panic and damage control.

Had that not happened yet in this universe? Was that going to happen in the future? Did that happen altogether differently in this world? Was she dropping spoilers?

“Oh… uh…” the Pink mare continued smoothly like the smooth operator she was, “I was… uh… just thinking… is she really that bad? I mean, sure, she took her pranks too far, but so did I…”

“No Pinkie,” Dash put her hoof down, “Pranks are one thing, but when you push it to the point that somepony could get hurt it’s… oh.... yeah...”

Everything got awkward and quiet. Something had clearly happened in this universe VERY different than Pinkie remembered. Luckily Pinkie Pie saw a quick out, if a little spoilery, “Tell ya what, Dashie, as soon as we get a chance, we’ll take a trip out to Griffin Stone and see if we can’t make things up with Gilda, just me and you! And there’ll be a long train ride, so there’ll be plenty of time to talk about that thing that obviously happened, and that I’m just not ready to talk about, but that I really do remember because I’m totally not from an alternate universe.”

“Okay,” Dash gave Pinkie the eyeball, but then just wrote it off as Pinkie Pie randomness, “But we’re gonna talk about it. We know Ki was special to you, and it’s not healthy to pretend he never existed, just because he’s gone…” at a gentle kick to the fore leg from Jake Dash amended, “Not ‘gone-gone’ of course. I’m sure he’s still alive out there… somewhere?”

“Maybe the Text finally let him go home to find his friend,” Jake supplied helpfully, then at a less-gentle Kick from Dash went on, “Not that he wasn’t happy in Ponyville with you! He barely ever even complained about you watching him while he slept anymore!”

“Real smooth, Jake,” Dash rolled her eye’s.

“What the Hay was going on in this universe? And who the buck is Ki?” Pinkie thought to herself then added out-loud, to definitively change the subject, “So, I didn’t expect to run into you two in Canterlot. Funny co-inky-dink, huh?”

“Jake was just showing me a night out on the town,” Dash grinned at her human, “You, know, get out and have some fun. Winter’s just around the corner, and I’ll be too busy with over-time.”

“Yeah, gonna be a busy time for you, setting up winter this year, probably gonna be just CRAZY with the over-time,” Pinkie let out a little giggle, matching the timeline in her memory up with what she knew about this world’s events, then did a sudden double-take, “Wait, you two are dating?”

“Well… uh…” Jake stammered, and looked to Dash for help.

“We’re… uh..,” Dash struggled, “Our relationship is WAY too awesome for those kinds of petty labels.”

“And we don’t talk about feelings,” Jake blurted out, then blushed at Rainbow’s glare.

“OUR feelings,” Rainbow Dash corrected.

“Yeah,” Jake fumbled on, “if you ever want to talk about what happened… we’re totally here for you...”

“Don’t worry,” Pinkie smiled, “I’m sure I’ll be wanting to talk about it soon. But don’t be surprised if I forget about this talk, because… you know… how upset I am, about the… thing? That happened?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow game her friend a really concerned look, “Are you sure you’re okay? Because you seem a bit off…”

“I think this mane style is getting to me,” Pinkie smiled as she told the little white lie, “I think I’m gonna go get it done back poofy, and when you see me back in Ponyville, I’ll be right back to whatever it was that you expected. Well, I’m off to see the mane stylist again. Have fun with your no-labels-super-awesome-hanging-out-it’s-totally-not-a-date-even-though-it-is-thing-you-do!”

And just like that, pinky disappeared around the corner in a blur.

“That was…” Rainbow Dash began.

“...weirder than usual, even for Pinkie Pie,” Jake finished.

Hard Reset (Z): The Road to Fillydelphia

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“I have to find a job, Whatserface! We’ve been in Dodge City days! I’m eating better than ever, but I’m gonna be sleeping on the street soon!” Z-978 was feeling desperate.

“What you mean the ponies won’t just give you bits just for being a cute, friendly little changeling?” Whatserface, wearing the form of a chartreuse pegasus mare with orange and black striped mane and tail and three cutie parasprites for a cutie mark, raised an eyebrow, “Didn’t that kinder gentler new hive in Canterlot give you any ideas about how a changeling could make a few bits?”

“They said I should look for a job,” Z shook her head, “They said that there were ‘other’ ways I could feed and make bits. They seemed embarrassed to say exactly how, but I have a pretty good idea… I’d rather just find a job.”

“Well, then,” Whatserface smiled warmly, “What are your skills? What did you do at the hive?”

“Well, I didn’t really leave the hive much… at all really,” Z-978 thought carefully, “I was a worker changeling, mostly I sorted the incoming and out-going emotion transfers. Once love is extracted it has to be sorted and distributed…”

“Ah,” Whatserface picked up an imaginary phone, “Hello, Pony Resources Department, do you have any jobs available in sorting and distributing raw emotional nectar? You don’t??? Well, imagine that.”

“I-I’m good at teaching things,” Z stammered, “I used to teach the other drones little tricks I picked up. I helped some of them come up with better names after we escaped….”

“I see,” the other changeling went back to her make-believe telephone, “Well, she’s good at teaching, and she’s good with foals from what I’ve seen, and she’s very friendly, maybe you could hire a changeling as a school teacher? Hello? Hello?? They hung up on me!”

Whatserface grinned at her little joke, as Z-978 sunk to the floor in defeat.

“Oh don’t be like that! I said I had a place for you to go in Filly, and I meant it,” Whatserface soothed, “The Factory’s been a thing since the invasion. A lot of us escaped in the aftermath of the massacre. It was fairly easy, casualties were so high, the queen just assumed we had died. We made certain… arrangements... with city officials, to keep our operation of the books and out of the papers. The Filly Factory is the best known changeling secret in equestria. We’re not a real hive, of course. We have no queen, but that hasn’t stopped us. We grow by recruiting disenchanted Drones and leaders from the hive… hives now. With this free-range initiative, I doubt you’ll even be the first changeling from new hive to sign on. You certainly won’t be the only one. So you’ll see some of your old friends maybe?”

“The Filly Factory,” Z gave her friend an odd look, “I’ve heard stories around Canterlot, mostly from pervy old stallions. But I never knew it was run by changelings.”

“Like I said,” Whatserface grinned happily, “Best known secret in Equestria! After all, who’s gonna tell? Our clients? If our secret gets out so does theirs!”

“What about the authorities?” Z shook her head a little.

“Not a problem when they already know,” Whatserface grinned, “Let me break it down for you…”

-=-=-=-=-

You see, Fillydelphia has a certain reputation that makes it a target of… let's call it, unwanted tourism. To the feminista fillies who make up the bulk of the population, the constant flow of low-grade stallions who can’t even find love with Equestria’s already ridiculous female to male ratio tring to improve their odds by going to a city where that ratio is more ridiculous to extremes. It never occurs to them that mares move to a city that’s almost completely populated with mares for a reason most of the time. A very specific reason.

Imagine you’re a pony filly-fooler. You’ve got yourself this whole nice little city of fillyfoolers. Then word gets out. Pretty soon every stallion who can’t hit a piece of tail to save his life in his hometown is rushing in to ‘help’ solve your ‘problem’, figuring that if he surrounds himself with mares his odds have to increase. Well this is a double edged sword. On the one hoof, tourism is booming, and the money’s rolling in. On the other hoof, these stallions are annoying the living shit out of the local filly-foolers. Plus, repeat tourism is running dry as more and more disillusioned stallions are spreading the word that it’s not what they thought.

That’s where we came in. Like I said, we approached the City after the invasion. The Boss, you’ll like him, we call him Mr. N, anyway, he approaches the city council in the most garishly tacky pony disguise ever imagined, wearing a ridiculous hat with an even more ridiculously large feather. One of the council-mares, a coltish brown earth-pony by the name of Velvet Hammer, well she realizes something is off about this stallion.

“Ladies of the City Council,” Mr. N began to address the mares, when Velvet Hammer jumped from her seat.

“HE’S A CHANGELING!” she shouted as she pointed at the boss.

Well, at that point we all thought we were doomed. As instructed when had infiltrated the audience in less conspicuous disguises, given instruction to do nothing but watch and wait, no matter what happened, for Mr. N’s signal. To our surprise, the boss just grinned widely at the accusation.

“Yes, ladies,” He bowed and took his natural shape with a sweep of that ridiculous hat, “I am the leader of a group of refugees from the tyrant, Queen Chrysalis. We seek asylum in your fair city.”

“We have enough trouble with unwanted pony guests,” Velvet Hammer attested to many affirmations, “Why should we take on changeling parasites, as well?”

“We need not be parasites,” Mr. N pressed his case, “That is merely what our queen has dragged us down into becoming. I’d prefer a more symbiotic relationship…”

And so the Filly Factory was established. A lightning rod to draw off the worst of the nuisance tourists away from the good citizens of Fillydelphia, and a honey pot to keep them coming back and throwing their bits at the city. Using varying zoning tactics and exclusive contracts with miss Hammer construction business, we created a special district, just outside of town, in an eye-sore community that the respectable ponies avoided anyway. Basically, Velvet Hammer was rewriting the laws at Mr. N's direction, restricting certain business had to be located in designated zones. All of those zones are all grouped together in one place, and what property isn’t owned by us is owned by Velvet Hammer.

-=-=-=-=-

“And that’s how we got started,” Whatserface smiled as she finished her story, “It’s good all around. With all the seedier business relocated in one location that’s as easy to avoid as it is to find, respectable tourism started coming back. The less welcome tourists are now pretty much out of sight and out of mind. The city coffers stay full, the lonely stallions find company, and the changelings stay fed. Everypony wins.”

“It sounds wonderful,” Z-978 said after thinking a moment, “I’m just not sure if I’m comfortable with… that. I was never a harvest changeling…”

“Just give it some thought,” Whatserface smiled warmly, “And remember, we’ll never turn you away…”

“It wasn’t like that!” Z said defensively, “The new Queen is kind, and good. She’s trying to save us all from starvation! I was judged to be smart and independent enough to care for myself. It was my duty to make room for others who couldn’t!”

“Woah,” Whatserface replied evenly, “I’m not dissing Queen Fast! From what we’ve heard, she’s doing a great job with a really bad situation. But she wasn’t hatched a changeling like we were. There’s things she doesn’t understand. Like that changeling were never meant to be alone in the world. Just think about it. It’s a long ride to Filly. And save your bits from here on out. Just stick with Auntie Whatserface. I’m taking you to the promised land.”

Day Two (Ki): Enter the Plague

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Breakfast consisted of a somewhat bland but not distasteful combination of eggs, sausage and toast with decaf coffee and two of the little 8 ounce foil-lidded juice cups that you only see in schools and hospitals.

Beneath my tray there was the usual menu for the next meal, already filled out of course. Mental patients don’t get to choose their own diets. That sort of thing is decided in our best interest by the hospital staff. Chicken salad sandwich, mixed fruit and…

~Stop lying to yourself.~

I jumped back, knocking my chair over, and drawing the attention of the orderly.

“Is there a problem?” the large, usually friendly, black man frowned slightly as he walked over.

“No sir,” I assured thinking fast, and pointing to a bit of black thread, I laughed a little “I thought that piece of trash was a spider is all. Can’t stand spiders.”

“Ah,” the big man laughed a little himself, accepting my lie at face value, “Well, just be more careful next time, I can’t have you upsetting the other patients. You’ve been co-operating well enough so far, so keep it up and we’ll have you back home by the end of the weekend.”

Lies. I’m not going home. I’m not ever going home. I was trapped in this damned loop, just waiting for the writing on the wall to send me back to horse-country.

~Is that what you think is happening?~

The words just hovered there on the bulletin board for few seconds before fading away. This was getting weird. I knew what was coming. I knew how this worked. The words always came on the fourth day. Not the second. Not the third. It was always on the fourth day. It always sent me to Ponyville. Pinkie always caught me eating out of the dumpster. And then things went varying degrees of wrong in varyingly spectacular displays of self-destruction.

The last was almost embarrassing. Equestria couldn’t have given me an easier time of it. I was greeted by an ambassador, put up in temporary lodgings with Pinkie Pie, and told to stay out of trouble while a job and more permanent accommodations could be made available for me in Pony-Canada.

So obviously I immediately ran out and partied myself to death and got kicked out of the universe again.

“I’d never kick you out, Ki!” Pinkie's hurt voice came from somewhere behind me, and I spun around to find myself facing an empty hallway. This was definitely different than usual. I may be (and often am, in fact) bat-shit crazy, but I don’t see things and I don’t hear voices.

I was pulled out of my musings by a sudden panicked screaming and the sound of gunfire. Unintelligible codes blared over the intercom and the orderlies began trying to herd newly panicking patients, many with only the most tenuous grasp of their own facilities.

“Mr. Steen, I need you to clear the hallway,” the big friendly ordery from breakfast had a hand on my shoulder, as much a threat as a sign of reassurance. He was letting me know in no uncertain terms that I would comply, one way or the other. And that’s when it hit the fan.

I don’t know what I expected. Terrorists? Some crazed gunman? Pretty much anything but a three headed pony. It looked as if someone had pressed the CMC together into one conglomerated mess and then grew it up to about the size of a buick. The thing splintered the security doors like they were balsa-wood and turned to look directly at us.

“Get behind me,” the orderly pushed me back, reaching for the taser inside his jacket, although I’m not sure what good he thought a taser would do against that… thing.

It turned out to be about as useful as I suspected, and the thing bowled over him with vacantly cow-like smiles on all three of its faces. It then proceeded to… well… let's just say it was at least trying to be friendly. Very, very friendly, and it didn’t seem to care what the orderly thought of it.

Hospital security ran through the remains of the broken door with guns drawn, sending the poor creature to the floor in a hail of bullets. The orderly was stammering and shaking like a leaf unable to make an intelligible words from his experience.

Chaos erupted throughout the ward, doctors and nurses trying to restore order in vain as patients panicked, several slipping out the shattered security door to make dash for freedom. One, a nice enough girl whose name I had never intended to ask who mostly just walked the hallways verbally abusing herself, spooked one of the security guards and caught a bullet.

“Jesus, Mark!” his team-mate swore in shock, “What the hell was that?”

“S-she was trying to escape,” the guard (I assume Mark) said shakily, “You saw her, she was making a run for it.”

“God dammit man!” a third guard turned on him, “These aren’t psycho killers! These are the people we’re supposed to be protecting!”

They debated a little too long and didn’t see the orange monstrosity until it was too late.

“Bad humans!” the orange coated pony-thing lashed out with what I could only describe as tongue-tentacles coming out of it’s mouth, easily lifting three of the guards off the floor and using them as human shields as the fourth guard emptied his weapon uselessly into his compatriots in his panic.

He tried to make a run for it, but the creature was squarely blocking the only exit and proceeded to… well better not to think too hard about what it was doing with the tongue-tentacles. While it was busy playing with it’s human toy, I dragged the orderly out of hallway.

“Are you okay, man?” I asked, shocked to see blue fur sprouting from his face and ears.

“I’m turning into one of them,” he sobbed, “I’m turning into a fucking were-horse!”

“Keep it together, dude,” I tried my best to sound like I wasn’t panicking, “We’re gonna get out of here.”

“Man, how fucked do you have to be when the best help you’ve got, ten minutes ago couldn’t be trusted to wear pants,” He actually laughed a little, which I decided to take as a good sign.

“Can you walk?” I asked him, receiving a quick nod, “Good let's blow this cartoon. Don’t suppose you got the keys to the locker?”

“Naw, man,” he shook his head, “Head of staff has the only key, and she was at gone for lunch when the shit went down,”

“Well, I guess pants are optional for the apocalypse,” I laughed a little. Everybody always assumes I’m joking when I say pants are always optional in my world.

Day Two(Ki): A Memory to Guide a Dream

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We were well into interior of the hospital when my now quite fuzzy companion dropped and screamed in pain. I could hear bones pop in his legs and arms as his body collapsed in on itself.

“Talk to him, you jerk,” the dull pink mare scowled and snapped testily, “He was your last friend on earth, and you haven’t even asked him his name!”

“Dude,” I placed a hand on his… shoulder? they were shoulders a minute ago, “Stay with me man, you gotta hold it together!”

“Man,” the blue fuzzy pony-man-thing squinted through the pain, “I don’t wanna be one of those rape-crazy retarded horse things!”

“Just stay with me,” I talked as soothingly as I could, “I’ve got a lot of experience losing my mind, I can talk you through this. What’s your name?”

“J...James,” he said between gasps, “James Jackson… friends always called me… Jimmy Jack...”

“Alright,” I nodded and smiled, “Jimmy Jack, we can work with that. Hell you won the name game. That’s a pretty damn cool name. Do you have any family, Jimmy Jack?”

“I got….arrgh,” his words started becoming unintelligible again and I realized I was losing him.”

“Focus Jimmy Jack,” I squeezed his hand to reassure him, and realized I wasn't squeezing a hand anymore, “Stay with me. You gotta make it through this. You gotta hold it together. You have a family out there. Tell me about them.”

“I gotta a brother in Afghanistan,” his pain seemed to be fading, and his eyes hadn’t taken the glazed inappropriate glee of so many of the ponies we had tried so hard to avoid, “Moms died last year. Dad when we was both kids. I got a niece and nephew… A sister in law… all in New Mexico. A few friends around the apartments I used to drink beers with. If they’re smart or lucky, they’re already headed out of town. I think it might be over. My forehead’s kinda sore…”

I didn’t doubt it. I had been too focused on keeping him talking to pay any attention to the transformation itself. Now that I started to pay attention, it wasn’t any wonder his head was sore. His face was covered in blood from where his horn had apparently burst through the skin. He was covered in light blue fur, and had sprouted a silvery mane and tail, the latter having burst through his pants.

“The good news dude,” I smiled a little, “Is that you are great and powerful unicorn.”

“The bad, news,” Jimmy Jack scowled, “Other than I’m a goddam horse?”

“Might… uh… wanna check your dangly bits,” I said awkwardly. "I’m pretty sure you're a girl horse…”

“OH FUCK NO!” He began desperately pushing at his pants with his hooves, “No no no no no….”

“You know this isn’t right,” Pinkamena said from behind me, what was she doing here?

“Yeah, this isn’t right,” I replied over my shoulder.

“You damn right this shit ain’t right!” Jimmy Jack yelled, thinking I was responding to his plight, “I just got raped by a horse until I turned into a fucking unicorn and my dick fell off!”

“It normally doesn’t happen like this…” I continued to muse to myself.

“What the fuck are you talking about? How fucking crazy ARE you?” Jimmy Jack demanded.

“This keeps happening, over and and over,” I shook my head, “I start back in the observation cell. After four days the writing on the wall asks me where I want to go…”

“I ain’t got time for this crazy shit,” the newly minted unicorn shakes it’s head, but I continue just the same.

“It’s always the fourth day,” I drone on, lost in my own thoughts, “And I say I want to go to upstate New York…”

“I really wish you’d stop telling that lie,” Pinkamena says with a heavy sigh and fades back into the nothing.

“But it always sends me to Equestria,” at the former humans confusion I explain, “The place where these things come from, but they’re not like this there. There just like… I dunno… people…”

“Okay, maybe we should have picked you up some meds,” Jimmy Jack tries to laugh it off, “Look, this shit’s enough to unhinge anybody. I think we’re near the east entrance. We should keep moving before more of those damn horse things come around. Come on...oh shit…”

And of course the lights went out. Everything went quiet, and we began to hear panicked horse noises all around us. Suddenly a pink light illuminated the space in front of me and Pinkamena was there with a dull expression of impatience.

“What are you doing here” I asked, honestly confused at the pink mare’s presence.

“I’m not talking to liars,” she snapped and began to walk down the hall, turning when I failed to follow, “Well, come on.”

“Can you even see where you’re going?” Jimmy Jack asked from behind me in a light feminine voice, “Because I can barely see you.”

“I’m following Pinkie Pie,” I said simply, “She pissed, but she’s not gonna lead us wrong.”

“Pinky Pie?” the unicorn questioned and then dismissed, “Fuck it, I’m following a nut-job and his imaginary friend through a hospital filled with rapist horse-monsters. I’m a magical unicorn girl now. It is what it is.”

We walked in silence for a few moments, before Pinkie finally began talking in a slow careful monotone.

“Of course I won’t lead you wrong,” she said sadly, “I’m mad, but that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna leave you in a place like this. I have every right to be mad. Everything you told me was a lie. And in the end you were willing to follow that lie all the way down until it killed you rather than just tell me the truth. Now you’ve made a new pony friend, and you’re telling her those same stupid lies. What’s next, the Legend of the Mohawkians?”

“Okay, there’s no such thing as Mohawkians, Pinkie,” I said irritably, “I’m just a forty two year old man with a mohawk, and a taste for cheap beer and satanic imagery.”

“That’s some pretty fucked up shit to lay on a mother fucker in the dark while you’re surrounded by rapist horse monsters, man,” Billy Jack said from behind me, “I hope you know that.”

Welcome to Filly (Z): First impressions

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The red-light district of Fillydelphia was really something to see, Z-978 had to admit. It was garish, yet strangely beautiful combination of squalor and neon. Virtually every business was lit with brightly shining signage leaving little to anypony’s imagination just what particular vice that particular business engaged in.

“You should really put on some work clothes Z,” Whatserface advised, “Technically it’s not illegal for changeling to walk the streets openly anymore but…”

“You there!” a surly pony in a blue uniform bearing a badge bore down on them, “Are you bug’s looking looking for trouble?”

“No sir,” Z wilted a little at the police ponies scrutiny.

“Name and hive affiliation, bug,” the officer poked her in the chest with one hoof.

“Z-978 of the Canterlot Free Hive,” Z nervously stepped back a step.

“Oh,” the officer, a dull brown earth pony advanced another step menacingly, “So you think you can get away with giving me a fake name, huh?”

“Z-978 IS my real name,” Z pleaded helplessly.

“Well, we’ll just see about that,” the police-pony sneered, “Maybe you’ll feel more cooperative after you sat in a holding cell for a couple of days!”

“Oh I don’t think you want to do THAT, officer,” a smooth, masculine voice drifted out of the shadows as a bright purple stallion with a cyan mane and tail, wearing a wide-brimmed white hat with a huge peacock feather and a leopard print cape stepped out of the shadows, “That cute little buggy is part of Queen Fast’s Free-Range Initiative. That means she’s an official envoy of the Canterlot Free Hive. Now what do you suppose is gonna happen when the new queen shows up to figure out why one of her emissaries is sitting in jail for the apparent crime of doing her job? How do you feel Velvet Hammer’s gonna feel about all that official attention from Canterlot? You must REALLY hate your job officer…”

“Oh,” the police pony tripped over his own hooves in fear from the approaching stallion, “Mr. N… I’m sorry… didn’t realize she… uh… was with you…”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, am I?” the stallion replied with a wicked grin.

“I’m s-sorry miss,” Z-978 was shocked at the fear radiating from the pony.

“The lady has a name,” Whatserface said coldly, “Say it. Go on. Say. Her. Name.”

“I’m sorry Miss Z-978,” the officer meeped, before suddenly fleeing down the street as fast as his hooves could carry him.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, Miss Z,” the stallion, presumably Mr. N, said with a small bow, “It’s a nasty side to our mostly pleasant little city. You see, until recently it was against the law for any changeling to openly walk the streets of Fillydelphia in public. A few Royal Decrees haven’t changed the attitudes of pony prejudice. That’s the problem with Princesses… Queens too really… they get it in their head that they can make things happen just by saying it. Take your Queen Fast for instance…”

“Queen Fast is doing the best she can to take care of us,” the smaller changeling jumped to her Queen’s defence, then realized she was interrupting, “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“Don’t ever apologize for your loyalty,” Mr. N flashed a broad, winning smile, “It’s something we admire at the Filly Factory. And I mean no disrespect, I assure you. By all accounts, Queen Fast Change has the best interest of her little changelings at heart, and no pony could ever imply that she only has the best wishes. But there’s logistics to consider. Best wishes and love, sweet love may make a fine breakfast, but they don’t pay the rent. Take this Free-Range Initiative, you have heard it’s being scaled back considerably?”

“What?” Z did a quick double-take, “No I hadn’t!”

“Well, we’ve been on a train riding across Equetria,” Whatserface shrugged, “Not surprising you’d be a little out of the loop.”

“It was a fine idea in theory,” Mr. N continued, “Send the brightest, friendliest, most independent changelings out to educate the pony world about the new, kinder, gentler, changeling hive. There were a few problems.”

“Problems?” Z-978 shrank back.

“Well the biggest was that with two notable exceptions,most drones leaving of the hive just didn’t stick,” Mr. N wet on, "There was also a couple of raids on Ponyville from the Idiot Queen.”

“No! Is everypony okay?” Z asked with real shock and concern.

“Well, the Pink Demon’s pet human is still missing from the hospital, but otherwise it’s okay,” Mr. N noted, “The funny thing is, it was a changeling and her pony that really turned the tide.”

“Really?” Z-978 asked, wide-eyed.

“For real,” Whatserface assured, “Same changeling stopped a diamond dog raid, pretty damn decisively. Seriously, you don’t get between a breeder guardian and her charge. Not if you want to stay alive.”

“She's quite ‘the hero of Canterlot’, now,” Mr. N chuckled, “But my point is, only one drone from the Free-Range Initiative fulfilled it’s mission and opened actual diplomatic ties with an out-lying hive in need of a real queen. We’re truly excited to have you here, Z. I’m hoping when you report back, you have only have good things to say.”

“I thought I was applying for a job?” Z asked in confusion.

“Whatserface?” Mr. N gave his subordinate a look, but didn’t actually say, “Seriously?”

“What? It was funny!” the changeling in question defended, “I did use the gag to teach her our history, so it was… that thing you like so much… educational?!”

Beneath a Silver Lie (Other Pinkie): Outside Looking In

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~Hello Pinkie Pie.~

Pinkie let out a gasp, “The Text!”

~Indeed. I have much to show you, Pinkie of another world.~

-=-=-=-=-

“How long have you practiced dark magic?” Celestia was addressing a gaunt, mohawked human in a cell in the canterlot dungeons.

“I don’t practice dark magic,” the human’s voice was full of fear, “I keep telling you that. Magic doesn’t work where I come from.”

“Then tell me why you have a hand-written book filled with arcane symbols and pictures of my little ponies turned into strange human hybrids?” the monarch’s face was impassive, her eyes cold and hard as steel, “I will uncover your wicked little plans one way or the other human. You would do better to tell me now, I can be merciful.”

“There are no plans,” the human shrunk beneath Celestia’s withering gaze, “I told you, that’s just my sketch book. Those are just old symbols from human mythology. It’s just pictures. The humanoid ponies is a style of art, it’s called ‘anthro’. That’s just the stuff the hospital gave back to me when I was being discharged. I swear, there’s no evil plan.”

“Then why were you skulking behind a candy store at night not wearing pants,” Celestia smiled thinly, “Human nudity taboos are known to me. Humans generally disrobe for very specific activities.”

“The hospital took my pants,” the human pleaded, “I hadn’t been given a chance to get dressed yet when the Text took me. I came out in Ponyville in the middle of the night. I was wandering around aimlessly confused when your guards found me. Please, I didn’t do anything wrong, why are you doing this?”

“Nothing wrong?” Celestia sneered, “You have willfully invaded my domain. You are in possession of forbidden magic. You have desecrated the very image of pony kind. I have no doubt had my guards not found you, you would have made some assault upon my innocent little ponies.”

“You should have heeded my warning human, Guards!” two surly-looking Unicorns appeared, “Take this scoundrel to the pods, this will be a perfect chance to test their safety before we use them to test the Prince. His safety is important to Twilight after all.”

-=-=-=-=-

Pinky Pie was confused. These memories just didn’t make any sense. Clearly they were not her own, and so much just seemed… wrong. Why was Celestia being such a big meany-pants? Had the human done something so horrible that even Celestia couldn’t forgive him? And Celestia had said something about testing a Prince. Did she mean Prince Silver Stars? Was this something that had happened in HER equestria, the one she lost when she journeyed across time and space to the human world?

-=-=-=-=-

“Well,” a unicorn stood in front of what appeared to be something like a changeling pod, hooked up to various machines that would be quite at home in Twilight’s lab, “So far, he’s made no attempt at anything even approaching criminal, aside from a lot of suicide when we push the setting to far.”

“Well,” Celestia smiled, “At least that answers the question of death in the pod-dream. That was my most pressing concern with putting Silver Stars inside one of these things. I don’t think Twilight would have forgiven me easily if I let her ‘husband’ die or become comatose.”

“Well it turns out to not be a problem at all your majesty. In this subject's case we just reset him back to the Text and play out the next scenario. So far, he thinks it is the Text that is tormenting him, sending him from one unwinnable situation to the next for it’s own twisted amusement.”

Celestia’s face twitched uncomfortably, and when she spoke there was a wounded tone to her voice, “Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Of course not your majesty!” the unicorn stallion corrected quickly, “You would never torture anypony! I don’t know what this human did to deserve this, but I’m sure it must have been horrible!”

“It’s not what he’s done,” Celestia’s voice was sad, but resolved, “It’s what he could potentially do. Humans are not ponies. They are unpredictable and far too prone to violence. There is evil in this human, I’m sure of it. If we push him hard enough it will rear it’s ugly head.”

-=-=-=-=-

Silver Stars! These memories were from Pinkie’s world (apparently, the Equestria she was in now had never had any Alicorns of either the Lunar or male variety). Pinky was unsure how to feel about that. Did her world still exist, somewhere, or were these strange memories all that remained.

~You were not the only one to escape that world’s collapse, Pinkie Pie.~

“Oh, hiya Text,” Pinkie grinned at the words, “Almost forgot you were there.”

~Pay attention now, this next part is important.~

-=-=-=-=-

“We might have found something, your majesty,” the unicorn technician spoke up.

“Oh?” Celestia smiled softly, “Please do share.”

“Well, we were running a scenario where the human is being propositioned by various school fillies to determine if he might be a foal fooler…”

“I knew it!” the large alicorn scowled, “The foulest of human perversion.”

“Actually, it turns out he’s not,” the unicorn shook his head, “In fact, he found the entire sequence of events to be quite disturbing. But I decided to see what happened if he was convicted of the crime anyway, and… well, he’s taken up dark magic!”

“So he WAS lying, I knew he was a sorcerer from the first time I laid eyes on that book,” Celestia smiled grimly.

“Actually your majesty,” the technician shook his head, “He had no idea human ‘witchcraft’ could be used in Equestria. He only tried out of desperation. It turns out ‘witchcraft’ is magic.”

“Interesting,” Celestia nodded, “That knowledge alone justifies the experiment. At any rate, we’ve determined by this point that the pod should be perfectly safe for our little errant alicorn prince. Have one sent to my suite near the port, you’ve done well.”

“What about this human?” the unicorn asked.

“Well, we obviously can’t let him out. Put him in a repeating loop where he works at a warehouse or something. And give him some friends, maybe a changeling and a colt cuddler… he may well be dangerous, but I don’t see any reason to be cruel,” Celestia smiled at her decision, she was after all a merciful princess, and not a cruel dictator, “Once you have him comfortable in the simulation, seal this pod in the deepest cell in the dungeons and have the entrance walled in. He will be kept safely away from my little ponies and left to live his life in a happy little dream.”

“Of course, your majesty…”

-=-=-=-=-

“But…” Pinkie stammered, “He didn’t really do anything wrong!”

~No he did not. When the world collapsed, I brought him safely into the new reality, and gave him back the things he had originally brought with him. He, was unaware that he was in dream of course. He thought he had finally found happiness in Equestria, and that I had once again broken his life and started it over for my own amusement.~

“How could Celestia be so cruel?” If Pinkie had not already convinced her mane it should be straight to differentiate herself from this world's Pinkie Pie. she felt sure it would deflate from the sheer shock of it.

~She sought only to look after the well being of her little ponies. In her mind any excess could be justified in the name of the “Greater Good”. Remember for one thousand years she was viewed as the very embodiment of goodness and light. Whatever her actions, in the eyes of Equestria they were “good” and “righteous”.~

“Is the Celestia of the new world like that?” Pinkie asked meekly.

~That is not my place to say. You have seen all I brought you here to see Pinkie Pie. Good bye.~

Beneath a Silver Lie (Other Pinkie/Surprise Party): Decontamination

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“Pinkie,” Twilight said in a tone that was at once kind and unbending, “Just so we’re clear, when it turns out there’s not an exact copy of you with your mane flat working as a street performer in Canterlot, we’re going to get you the help you need.”

“I’m telling you, she’s real,” Pinkie retorted, annoyance in her voice, “I’m getting tired of ponies talking all this smickity smack about how I’m moping around Canterlot pretending to be somepony else. So I came up here myself and did a little of the old ‘Recon Pie’. That’s how I found her.”

“Smickity smack?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“It was a thing Ki said,” Pinkie smiled, “He’d be all like, ‘Dammit Pinkie! Stop talking all that smickity smack around Ponyville, I keep telling you, we’re not engaged.’ Because that was a game we’d play. Where I’d pretend we were a couple and he’d pretend to not be interested. And I’d be like, ‘Then why do I have naked pictures of you in the shower?’ And then he had a long talk with the Cakes, and that’s the story of how I lost my super-fun spy camera.”

Twilight was about to consider calling off the whole thing and quietly taking her friend to the nearest available therapist when she rounded the corner and was confronted with the last thing anypony would ever expect to see. There on the street corner was Pinkie Pie, mane straight but seeming not in the least depressed, happily bouncing about entertaining a small but growing group of ponies.

“Alright, Pinkie, we should play this carefully, she might be…” Twilight looked up to see her friend already confronting the imposter, “And of course that happened.”

“What’s the big idea running around acting like me, making all my friends think I’m losing my marbles,” Pinkie parted the crowd like water and was furiously poking the mare with one hoof with each word, finishing by snatching a bag of marbles out of her mane, “My marbles are all right here! Present! And! Accounted! For!”

“It’s not what you think,” the flat-maned Pinkie Pie protested, “I’m…”

“You’re a changeling!” Twilight declared triumphantly, her horn glowing invisibly purple as she directed the spell to force the changeling into it’s natural form.

The plague energy in the other Pinkie ignited, and she screamed in pain, causing the “real” Pinkie to turn to her friend and plead, “Twilight! You’re hurting her!”

“I… this isn’t what that spell is supposed to do,” Twilight said helplessly.

“Don’t stop,” the other pinkie said through tightly clenched teeth, “Just… keep it up. Just keep pouring energy into it until it burns itself out. It’s the only way.”

Twilight wanted to argue, but the other pony looked desperate and pleading. As magical energy fed the plague, it transformed the pony containing it. Her skin began to harden into a carapace. loose flaps of skin began trailing behind her withers, only to harden into paper-thin, but incredibly strong wings. Finally, her horn burst from her head with a little spurt of dark ichor eliciting a scream from the mare. The few ponies who hadn’t fled in panic watched in horrid fascination as the transformation completed itself, leaving a deep burgundy changeling mare standing before them.

“Are you alright?” Pinkie asked with real concern.

“I- I’m fine,” the changeling gasped, “It’s okay, I’ve been… I’ve been meaning to get that done for a while now.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re alright,” Twilight said relieved, then took a more severe tone, “But I’m sure you know it’s illegal to copy other ponies! You’ve really caused a lot of hurt feelings and confusion between Pinkie Pie and our friends!”

“Oh no,” the changeling panicked, “I caused spoilers! I didn’t ruin your friendships did I? Or make you skip any trips?!?! Please say you didn’t skip any trips!”

“Uh, no,” Pinkie cocked her head to the side, “All scheduled Pinkie Pie trips have in fact been right on schedule. Had this really weird talk with Dashie on a train recently, but otherwise that trip went really super.”

The changeling mare looked relieved, but Twilight wasn’t dissuaded, “I still expect an explanation, you don’t have any holes so I’m ready to assume this is some misunderstanding and not malicious intent. We should take this conversation out of the public view, I think, miss…”

“Surprise Party,” the changeling mare supplied.

“That IS what she said her name was from beginning,” one of the gathered crowd, a blue unicorn stallion said helpfully, “Of course I think most of us assumed it was Pinkie Pie using some funny stage name for the occasion, but she never tried to make anypony think she was actually Pinkie Pie.”

“It’s true,” the cream-colored mare standing beside him nodded, “In fact she corrected anypony who called her Pinkie Pie.”

“Let's take this up at Doughnut Joe's,” Twilight sighed, then added, “And no stealing love! I’m serious!”

-=-=-=-=-

"So for starters why were you impersonating Pinkie Pie," Twilight asked straightforwardly.

"I'm a Pinkie Pie impersonator," the changeling-who-secretly-knew-that-that-she-was-really- pinkie-pie-from-another-dimension totally pulled out of her plot as she desperately tried to remember the name she had given Twilight and the real Pinkie Pie that she had been using since she'd gotten to Canterlot.

"A likely story," Pinkie Pie leaned in deeply and glared then, did a double take placing her behind the changeling, "wait... you're a Pinkie-what-again?"

"I impersonate Pinkie Pie... I mean m... I mean you, for bits and love. Because that's what changelings eat. Yep. Oh, and I always use a different name... than Pinkie's I mean. I use my name," that she was desperately trying to remember as she somehow shrunk back into the corner behind Pinkie as Pinkie continued to hang over the changelings back, "I'm the best changeling there is at being Pinkie Pie. I mean changing into Pinkie Pie."

"And ponies pay you tips for acting like Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked skeptically.

"Well," the changeling replied quickly, "Everypony knows that Pinkie Pie is the most funnest party planner there is. But there's only one Pinkie Pie. Yep, just one, because I'm a changeling and obviously not Pinkie Pie."

"She's totally fangasming," Pinkie whispered to Twilight with a ridiculously huge grin.

"Okay I get it," Twilight nodded and smiled, "You're a professional Pinkie Pie impersonator. Even in your changeling form you could almost pass for Pinkie Pie, if she wasn't sitting right here. And while we're on the subject..."

"Do me! Do me!" Pinkie Pie nearly bounced out of existence in excitement.

"I don't know how to change, how do I change?" the changeling thought in panic desperately trying to summon what she knew was her real form.

There was a flash of invisible green fire and the changeling looked down in surprise to find that she was a white pegasus. Her tail and mane were blonde, but otherwise identical copies of Pinkie Pie’s. In place of three balloons her cutie mark was a changeling face.

"Alright," Twilight grinned triumphantly, "Now do blue Pinkie Pie with a cyan mane and a confetti cutie mark."

The changeling tried again, not knowing what to expect. A flash of changeling magic and she found herself staring at an exact, and exactly blue, replica of Pinkie Pie, only with a burst of confetti for a cutie mark..

"Excellent!" Twilight beamed, "I'm sorry, but I took a few liberties when I untangled your aetheric net. I know this must be confusing, but it's not unheard of. You stayed in one form too long, and being well fed on freely given love, you had begun changing into a pony. A few more days and it would have become permanent. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but in this case it's caused considerable confusion, since the pony you were turning into looked just like Pinkie Pie. So I made some adjustments to keep you from actually copying Pinkie Pie again. If you try you’ll just get a random Pinkie Pie variant with a changeling cutie mark. Technically the new rules say you always have to wear a changeling cutie mark when in pony form, but I’ll be honest and say I don’t like the idea of a species being openly branded for prejudice like that. But it was a concession Celestia was willing to make to calm down some of the more nervous ponies.”

“Thanks Twi- er, your majesty,” the changeling fumbled awkwardly.

“Just stay out of trouble from now on,” Twilight replied with a gentle smile, “And just Twilight’s fine. Although, if I might make a suggestion, Canterlot is a little close to Ponyville for a substitute Pinkie Pie party business don’t you think?”

“I guess,” the changeling finally just gave up trying to remember her name, and resolved to look it up in her schedule book later, “I just don’t know where else to go…”

“How about Fillydelphia?” Pinkie Pie suggested helpfully.

“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“What?” the impossibly pink mare grinned and asked innocently.

“I thought we’d settled this,” Twilight said with a sigh.

“Am I missing something,” the confused changeling cocked her head in what Twilight had to admit was a perfect Pinkie Pie expression.

“A middle aged human appeared in Ponyville recently,” Twilight rolled her eyes and explained, “Pinkie Pie…”

“We were extra-special-punk-rock-buddies,” Pinkie supplied by way of interruption.

“Pinkie Pie caught him in a box trap,” Twilight continued over her excitable friend, “And they took turns alternately stalking each other and feigning disinterest. He…”

“He mysteriously disappeared from the hospital,” Pinkie interupted again, “I’ve been super-worried.”

“He drank himself into an alcoholic coma and then woke up and caught the first train out of town while the girls and I were away on friendship business,” Twilight continued, feeling as if her eyes might roll out of her head if this kept up, “My human finder spell, and the train station records indicate he’s headed to Fillydelphia. Pinkie IS worried though.”

“He acts all gruff and distant, but he’s a very delicate and gentle soul,” Pinkie said fondly, with a hint of sadness.

“Just check the seediest bar you can find in the red-light district,” Twilight said flatly, “Look for a drunk human with a mohawk using the bathroom in the most inappropriate place available.”

“I’ve got a picture!” Pinkie Pie pulled a photo out of her mane and handed it over.

The photo revealed an angry looking male human with a greying mohawk shoving away a camera while standing in the shower trying to cover himself with a towel.

“If I find him, should I send him back,” the burgundy changeling asked curiously.

Pinkie Pie open her mouth, only to have Twilight shove her entire hoof into it, “Tyrek in Tartarus, no! Just tell him to write Pinkie Pie a letter so she won’t be worried.”

“That’s more or less what I was gonna say, meanie,” Pinkie pulled her mouth free and stuck her tongue out at her friend, “But if he is in trouble, please try to help him if you can.”

“I will,” the changeling smiled sadly, “I- I’ve had some experience with humans before. I’ll find him and make sure he’s okay. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

The changeling went through the motions of the ritual, causing Pinkie to spring forward and grab her in a carapace crushing embrace. They hugged for several moments like that, each one's head expanding and contracting like a squeaky toy before Twilight cleared her throat loudly.

“Well I’m glad we could help, and it really has been a pleasure meeting you,” Twilight smiled and motioned to Pinkie Pie that it was time to leave, “But we really should be getting back to Ponyville. If you could send a letter to my castle I’ll make sure my assistant arranges some bits to cover your travel expenses since this trip is technically friendship business. Oh, before I forget, what was your name again?”

Twilight had pulled out her notebook as the changeling panicked. She had come so close! What was that name she had been telling ponies constantly for days? As the princess of books and friendship looked on expectantly, the changelings panic only increased until finally she blurted out, “Changeling Drone 1776!” That was a real changeling name, right?

Twilight gave a gasp of surprise and found herself on the receiving end of a glare from Pinkie Pie, “Twilight! You scared her into using her hive name!”

“I- I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… I-,” the Princess of Friendship stammered.

“It’s okay Surprise Party,” Pinkie smiled warmly, “Lots of drones have trouble remembering their new names at first. Just write it down on your fetlock until you get used to it.”

As the two mares left, Surprise Party gave a sigh of relief. The problem of two Pinkie Pies had been resolved, and she was finally free to begin her new life in this brave new Equestria.

Day Three (Ki): Ghost Train Rollin’ Blues

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I was alone, Jimmy Jack was gone and it was just me, wandering around with no pants in the dark with a bunch of rapist horse monsters. I could hear them all around me. Those that could still talk were whispering vulgarities that even made me squeamish.

That was when I saw her again, her pink glow barely a candle in the darkness, her mane painfully straight and her face set in a frown of near despair.

“I can’t lead you out if you keep lying to yourself,” Pinkie shook her head sadly, “You have to realize where you are, and that means you have to realize how you got here.”

“The text…” I muttered, “The damned words…”

As she turned to leave I could see a single tear, the last of her glow fade as it fell to the floor.

“I ran away!” I screamed, she stopped fading but didn’t turn around, “I ran away from the hospital!”

Pinkie turned, her face still sad, but a small glow of hope burned in her eyes, “And then what did you do?”

“I- I got on a train,” I tried to clear my head, but the dream fog would have none of it, “I got on the first train out of town. I didn’t even ask where it was going.”

“That’s good,” a ghost of a smile played across her ghostly pink face as we rounded a corner into the bright sunlit lobby, “Now all you have to do is just realize where you are and wake up.”

“I’m on a train,” I said shakily.

“Now just wake up.”

-=-=-=-=-

I felt an odd poking sensation and heard a familiar buzzy voice, “Ki, Ki wake up! You gotta wake up!”

I rolled over and opened my eyes to find a very familiar changeling looking down at me with excitement. Z chittered happily as my eye’s opened and I found myself sleeping on the bench seat of a Marta rail car.

“Z? What are you doing here?” I asked, honestly confused at how exactly events had progressed to this point.

“The tracks only go where they lead,” Z smiled with a cute little shrug, “That’s destiny. Where the train stops and who get’s on or off, that’s more like fate.”

The darkness of a tunnel flashed by outside the window. A few changelings, despondent and filled with the holes of corruption, lounged near the back of the car. In the operator’s booth I saw a familiar blue unicorn, wearing the shirt and hat of a Marta operator.

“Jimmy Jack?” I asked incredulously.

“That’s the Great and Powerful Jimmy Jack, mother fuckoo!” The unicorn grinned, “Ima operate the fuck outta this train.”

“Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” Z asked curiously.

“Well, they took my pants away from me at the hospital,” I said sheepishly, rubbing the back of my head with one hand.

“Why were you in the hospital,” the little changeling cocked her head to one side.

“I…” I didn’t want to tell her, I really didn’t. When you tell people about that… that’s when they don’t want you around anymore, “Ask me again later.”

“Oh, okay,” she said with a nod, “Tell me about your friend in New York then.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie Pie appeared across the aisle and gave me the eyeball, “By all means, tell us about the friend in New York you wanted to go see so bad.”

“I lied to you Z,” I couldn’t tell that story, not again, not to her, “I didn’t ask the words to take me to see my friend in New York. I told it I just didn’t want to be a part of the world anymore.”

“I… okay,” Z said, confused, and Pinky gave an encouraging smile and nod, apparently still invisible to everyone but me, “Do you want to tell me why? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“When the text took me, I was in the hospital,” I hung my head with shame, “I had tried to kill myself, and they’d locked me up for my own safety. In a way, my deal with the writing on the wall was just another form of suicide. I didn’t try to get to my friend in New York. I abandoned her, and my family, and my friends… all on one crazed whim. After that the words seemed to make it a sport of shifting me from world to world. From one impossible test to the next. But then one day, I found a world that didn’t immediately try to kill me, or throw me in a dungeon, and I found a job, and I met you, and then that Hearth’s Warming I found out how you felt and I was happy. And then…I guess you know what happened then… That’s how I knew I was in hell. I knew then that I was being punished for throwing away my life.”

“Twiggs Depot!,” Jimmy Jack announced as the train pulled into the station, “Exit here for the last day on Equus!”

“I- I don’t want to see this… not again,” I looked helplessly at Pinkie Pie for support, but she just shook her head saddly.

Z nuzzled my side gently, “Please, I know it’s hard, but this is the last day I’ll ever get to spend with you. Even if it’s the end of the world. Just let me have this one last time that we can spend together, even if it’s only the dream of a memory.”

How could I say no? I wanted to. I knew what was on the other side of that door. I never wanted to see that day again. I never wanted to even think about that day again. But I knew that after that day she was going to be gone forever, so how could I say no?

Day Four (Ki): Wake Up Call

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It was supposed to be a fun date night. Just me and Z sitting on a little hill watching the stars. The flying saucers were attacking Ponyville again. And someone had let Tyrek out. But that was a long way off and honestly made for a pleasant enough light show in the distance.

“I wonder if all horrific battles are this pretty from a distance,” the changeling snuggled into my side as she mused.

“Probably are in this world,” I shrugged, pulling her in closer and tracing a finger along her neck-fin, “Everything you fight with either glows or sparkles, or occasionally uses rainbow lasers.”

Z bopped me on the nose, “Silly human,” she giggled a little and then got serious, “Do you think we should take cover?”

“Naw, we should be alright,” I shrugged, “This is a good example of why I don’t live in Ponyville.”

“I thought Princess Twilight Sparkle issued a royal edict requiring you to remain at least two miles from Pinkie Pie at all times,” Z raised an eyebrow in my direction.

“Well,” I shifted uncomfortably, “That may also be a thing.”

“It’s okay,” Z soothed, “I know you and the Pink Horror had your thing when you first got to Equestria, but you’re mine now. That’s what matters.”

“The Pink Horror?” I had to ask.

“It’s one of my people’s names for Pinkie Pie,” Z nodded quickly, “The Pink Horror, The Mare Who Walks Between the Wall, The Plague.”

The last one elicited an involuntary shudder that didn’t go unnoticed by my companion.

“Are you okay Ki?”

“Yeah just thinking about something,” Z’s voice shook me from my dark thoughts.

The nightmare was finally over. The unending cycle of failure and death, only to be set back in a different pony world, each somehow worse and more hostile than the last, had finally ended. The writing on the wall had seemingly gotten bored with my torture and I had gotten tired at lashing out at the world around me. “A plague,” the words had accused me. And I had been a monster. But gods in hell if I hadn’t been pushed over that line.

“I’m fine, I was just thinking about…” and there it was, the lie I told to every living creature in equestria, “It’s nothing, Z, I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“If you’re sure?” Z started to protest, but was distracted by a bright flash and a plume of smoke over Ponyville, “Wow, did you see that one? I hope everypony in town’s okay.”

“I’m sure they’re fine,” I waived off the concern, glossing over my own nagging fears, “Ponies don’t explode, and Tyrek doesn’t fly, so I’m guessing the space-ship took a hit.”

“You know,” Z mused wistfully, “Used to be a random bugbear was the worst we had to deal with. When did we start getting silver rape machines from outer space?”

“I know, right,” I complained in tandem, “And Tyrek too. What the hell’s been going on in Ponyville, lately?”

“Well, I heard this rumor from Leaf Blower’s sister, she’s friends with Fluttershy,” Z narrated helpfully, “But I heard the whole thing started with these alien artifacts and the human prince got killed last time the space ships came around.”

“Is he a prince?” I raised an eyebrow, “Last I saw the tabloids, I heard she was a princess again playing horse-wife and baking snickerdoodles or some-such…”

“Who can keep up?” Z chittered happily, ”But anyway, he/she died, and all the princesses opened the gates of hell to bring him back, and that let out Tyrek…”

“Man, this is why I don’t ship with the princesses,” Ki nodded sagely.

“Really?” Z asked incredulously, “I thought it was because you’re hiding from Celestia for reasons you won’t even tell me.”

“And that was a little too close to the mark for comfort,” I admitted shyly.

“Seriously, Ki,” Z turned to me with real concern, “When are you gonna tell me what’s up with that?”

“Tomorow, Z,” I assured, “We’ve got a long weekend, and plenty of time. Believe me, it’s gonna take some time…”

I was interrupted by a booming crash, and a wave of rainbow magic. At the same time, a second boom followed by a wave of silver magic. Where they met, reality was torn in a ragged, septic wound.

“Ki…” Z’s voice drained of all but fear, and I pulled her face into my jacket.

“Don’t look at it Z,” I tried unsuccessfully to hide the quiet sob from my voice.

“The sky… it’s bleeding,” she was on the verge of breaking down, I wondered if maybe that wasn’t the best thing, “What is it, Ki?”

“It- it’s the end Z,” my hands were shaking as holes formed in the sky and earth around us, “It’s okay, Z, I’m right here. I’ve got you. I’m not gonna let go. We’re gonna face this together, Z! It’s gonna be alright…”

I was talking to empty space, as the little changeling fell sideways out of reality straight through my arms as if they weren’t even there. And I sat alone beneath a bleeding silver sky. I just sat there and cried, sobbing and screaming at gods I already knew didn’t care. The sound, the fury, and the madness meaningless against the empty space at my side. Perhaps it went on for minutes, maybe it was years. Once time unravels it’s impossible to tell the difference. Finally I was in darkness once again.

~This was not my intention.~

“Shut up,” my voice was acid and fire and hate, “You should have killed me. You should have left me dead the first seven times.”

~You understand very little of what has happened to you thus far.~

“I understand I hate you,” I hissed between ragged sobs.

~I will return you to the state you first arrived in and send you to a safe place. You may in time recover what you’ve oslt… ahwt rea uyo ignod?~

I focused on a memory. A memory of my childhood, before I had overcome my dyslexia. I focussed on a memory of incomprehension and the words scrambled into meaningless letters and the world became bright once again and I found myself… lying in the baggage compartment of a pony passenger train… Well that was new.

“Wow,” a familiarly mismatched, snake-like chimera sat in front of me munching popcorn, “THAT was not what I was expecting. Of course I usually try to keep my expectations vague, but seriously… just wow. For the record, you should continue lying to the ponies about where you come from. And by the way, welcome to Fillydelphia”

Welcome to Filly (Ki): Life is But a Dream

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“Now, I’m trying to be as delicate about this as I can,” Discord said happily, “But somepony really picked the wrong Draconequus for that job, unfortunately. So how should I break the news…”

“What the hell are you talking about?” the Mohawked human scowled, “And when can I get my pants back?”

“Honestly,” Discord rolled his eyes, “If you were THAT concerned about pants, why didn’t you just wait until morning and get discharged from the hospital like a normal monkey?”

“I knew Celestia had to be having me watched after the spectacle at the Tavern,” Ki glared at Discord, “I didn’t think I’d rate sending the Lord of Chaos to come collect me, though.”

“Actually,” the chaotic chimera pointed out cheerfully, “It was LuLu, not Tia. And the only reason she didn’t come scoop you up herself was because her two favorite monkeys are both having troubles in the Crystal Empire.”

“Wait,” the human said in confusion, “Luna? I’ve never had any problems with Luna. We never even met.”

“Actually you never even met Celestia, either,” Discord chuckled, “Which brings me back to my original point, how badly would you freak out if I told you you didn’t exist.”

“What the fuck do you mean I don’t exist?!?!” Ki stomped a shoeless foot on the floor of the baggage car, “I’m standing right the fuck here in front of you!”

“That’s what most ponies would assume,” Discord nodded sagely, “Although, I’m honestly surprised Princess Purple-Smart didn’t notice this first. She must be getting slack with her examinations these days…”

“Diane wouldn’t let her examine me,” Ki explained irritably, “Said she already had a human to do science on.”

“I see,” Discord stroked his beard absently, “Wait did you say Diane? Do you mean Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah,” the mohawked human gestured meaninglessly, “It’s a thing. Sometimes I call her Diane, sometimes she calls me Charlie. It’s no big whoop.”

“Oh you modest little primate,” The Lord of Chaos chuckled merrily, “Shipping with Pinkie Pie on the sly. You dirty little OC. You know, for a human in Equestria you’ve been a pretty dismal let-down. Other humans are liberating changelings and saving the Crystal Empire, while you hide out for weeks in Pinkie Pie's basement, drink yourself into a coma, and then run away…”

“Don’t sugar coat it,” Ki spat, “Say what you really mean.”

“I was trying to do just that,” Discord responded flatly, “When I was quite rudely interrupted. Now as I was saying, as a human you’ve been pretty disappointing, but as a figment of somepony’s imagination, you’ve done pretty good for yourself. Look at you running around in the real world shipping with Pinkie Pie.”

“Quit saying that, goddammit!” the middle-aged human said with growing annoyance.

“Which, part?” the draconequus asked innocently, “The part about you being a figment, or the part about you shipping with Pinkie Pie?”

“Both,” he replied crossly, “I know that I fucking exist, and me and Diane had a very nuanced friendship!”

“From what I heard,” Discord raised an eyebrow, “You took turns stalking and sexually harassing each other.”

“Like I said, it was a very nuanced relationship,” the human nodded, “And how do you do expect me to believe that I’m some imaginary figment?”

Discord snapped his fingers and the pair were standing outside a seedy warehouse that had been converted into an entertainment facility. Ki only needed a glance and the lewd neon signage to know exactly what kind of establishment he had been brought to.

“A Strip Club?” he turned to his guide/captor (he wasn’t sure, but he was pretty sure he was under some form of arrest), “Why would we be going to a strip club?”

“We’re looking for answers,” Discord replied gleefully.

“And you expect to find answers at a strip club?” Ki retorted incredulously.

“There are always answers to be found in a strip club, my middle-aged padawan,” the draconequus replied with reverence, adding, “And it’s not just any strip club, this is the Filly Factory. It’s the most famous strip club in Equestria. Also it’s a changeling strip club. Also I’m paying so stop being a wet blanket before I turn you into a walking talking wet blanket just to see if anypony notices the difference.”

“I guess, if you’re paying,” Ki shrugged and began to follow Discord towards the door.

“Curb your enthusiasm,” Discord snapped his fingers and Ki found himself following a dull grey goat, “And call me Gary. We’re going to TRY to keep a low profile.”

“Oh, and your welcome,” with a sly wink from Discord, Ki found himself, wearing a pair of thick, rubber, steel-toed Frankenstein boots, “But you still don’t get pants. Pants are for winners.”

“Actually,” Ki shrugged, “Do you think they’ll let me in dressed like this? I look like an escaped mental patient.”

“Apparently I need to remind you that you are, in fact, an escaped mental patient,” Discord rolled his eyes before continuing, “And don’t worry you’re with me.”

“Mr Gary,” the insanely discolored earth pony stallion checking the door smiled broadly, “Here with a friend, I see.”

“Yes,” the goat smiled, “Anypony, meet Kiki meet Anypony. My human friend is on my tab. We’ll be meeting with some associates later.”

“Of course, sir,” the pony smiled and stepped aside letting them pass into the darkened interior.

The Filly Factory (Z): Backstage

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“Wake up, pretty bug!” Z felt a poke at her side, and reluctantly opened her eyes to find Whatserface poking her and grinning like a fool.

The room Mr. N had offered her was small but cozy, and very well furnished. From what she had seen over the last few days, it was the standard quarters for the drones who worked at the factory. While she found some aspects of the business distasteful, she had to admit that every changeling seemed well treated and happy. Mr. N and his Lieutenants seemed to treat the drones of the hive with respect and dignity, and few if any of them shared Z’s squeamishness about playing on pony lust to secure bits and emotional nourishment. In fact, most relished the idea of openly and honestly exploiting ponies secret desires. In the end it was a much more sensible and sustainable system than the bitch-queens old method of foal-napping ponies and replacing them with harvest drones until somepony noticed the ruse and called out the torches and pitchforks.

“I’m awake, already,” Z wiped the sleep for her eyes with a hoof and yawned.

“You lazy little buggy,” the other changeling giggled with excitement, “How can you sleep in with news this big!”

“What news?” Z asked sleepily, only to have a news paper shoved in her face.

One glance at the headline and she was wide awake.

“Changeling Princess?” Z stammered, reading without quite believing her eyes.

“I know, right?” Whatserface did a little dance, “We’re not refugees anymore, we’re full citizens of Equestria, we have our own princess and everything! Come on! Mr. N said he wants to see you right after breakfast! There’s so much to do! I just can’t believe it! I bet those stuck up town ponies are dropping bricks out of their plots right about now!”

The thought mad Z smile a little. If there had been any negatives to her experience in Fillydelphia, it was the rank, undisguised discrimination from the ponies of the city. She had seen it, to some extent, in Canterlot, but even then there had been attempts at subtlety, and a general sense that even the worst offenders were at least aware that they were wrong, and that most ponies would disapprove of such behavior. In Fillydelphia it was simply taken for granted that changelings were second class citizens at best, and not one pony eye was batted at even the most aggressive mistreatment of “a race of parasites and whores”. To have Celestia herself grant Princess status to a changeling queen… that elevated their discrimination from simple bad behavior to near blasphemy.

The Factory was literally buzzing with activity, as changelings flitted about, gossiping, celebrating and making preparations for the inevitable celebration. Z moved through the happy crowd easily enough and made her way to the buffet table that in business hours would serve hors d'oeuvres to pony customers, but in the off hours served as a makeshift cafeteria for Factory staff. She helped herself to a few slices of toast and a sphere of emotional nectar and quietly contemplated the news she had just received.

After finishing her meal, Z made her way to Mr. N’s office, as she approached she could hear the voice of an angry pony mare reverberating into the hallway.

“Don’t you get uppity with me you two bit pimp!” the Mare’s voice was thick with contempt, “You’d do best to remember that Fillydelphia is a long way from canterlot. You and your little hive-whores would do best to remember your place! You work for me. One word and I can have every one of you filthy roaches locked up and have a demolition crew tearing this place apart by tomorrow!”

A brown, somewhat coltish earth-pony left the office in a huff, ramming head-long into Z-978.

“Watch where you’re going you little slut!” the mare snapped.

“Excuse me miss,” z replied politely as she stepped aside.

Z watched the unpleasant mare depart with her mouth agape in shock. She had never tasted that level of vile hatred, and hoped to never taste it again.

“Well, that didn’t go so well,” Mr. N stepped out of his office and smiled at Z, “I see you met our ‘benefactor’, Velvet Hammer. There’s nothing more dangerous than a corrupt pony who feels the change in the air. I wouldn’t worry too much though. She may hate changelings, but she loves bits. We keep her paid off and she keeps her pet wolves from our door. All this talk of Changeling Princesses has her riled up. She feels like she has to make a show of power while she still has it.”

“I… see,” Z nodded slowly, “Whatserface said you wanted to see me after breakfast?”

“Yes,” Mr. N said kindly, “I want to show you something.”

Mr. N led her through the backstage hallways and down a flight of stairs into the basement. As she looked around Z gasped at the site around her. Dozens of Nectar pods, all filled to capacity filled half the space, while the other half was occupied by a variety of brewing and distilling paraphernalia. A bottle floated off a large rack held firmly in Mr. N’s magical grip.

“This is the real secret of our success,” Mr. N grinned widely, “We call it ‘Tainted Love’, schnapps distilled from emotional nectar. Of course we can only sell it through Velvet Hammer’s distributors, but that’s about to change. I want to send you, along with Whatserface, back to Canterlot. We want to offer your hive access to our brewing and distilling process, in return we want to be legally considered an extension of the Canterlot Hive, under the protection of Princess Fast Change.”

“Of course!” Z nodded enthusiastically, “It’s awful how our kind our treated in this city, I’ll do whatever I can to help!”

“Excellent, I’ll have everything prepared tonight and you can leave in the morning,” the changeling pimp nodded, “But for now I have to get back to work. Tonight’s show is going to be something really special!”

The Filly Factory (Ki): Failure To Recognize

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-One Drink In-

“Okay, D- I mean, ‘Gary’, what do you mean by this I don’t exist shit?” Ki demanded.

“Well,” the grey goat sneered, “I think ‘you don’t really exist’ sums it up pretty well actually. I told you, you’re a figment of somepony’s imagination. How hard is that to understand?”

“Okay,” Ki downed a shot of some sort of honey-like schnapps, chasing it down with a tart fruit-juice cocktail, “So just who’s this pony who imagined me into existence?”

“Well,” Gary the goat teased playfully, “I wouldn’t know, but the fact that you’re walking around in the real world leaves a fairly short list of alicorns that are probably involved. If I had to guess I’d say you came from the mind of a suicidal human as the result of a catastrophically irresponsible use of dream magic. Unfortunately I can’t for the life of me think of a single suicidal human LuLu would risk THAT kind of magic on. Wait! The name’s on the tip of my tongue… Gold Plating, maybe?”

“Fine,” the human sulked, “So you’re not gonna tell me. You’re just gonna drop it on me that I’m some kind of walking, talking figment of some human’s imagination.”

“Pony,” the goat corrected, “I’m pretty sure it’s a human who was turned into a pony. Why is that name so hard to remember? Danny Golden, maybe? Well, I’m sure it will come to me, eventually...”

-Two Drinks In-

“This stuff is pretty good,” Ki made a toast motion before downing his second shot, “Changelings make the best booze. Just a fact. I used to date a changeling, although I guess she doesn’t exist either…”

“Oh don’t mope,” the goat chided his companion, “I mean sure your life is a miserable broken existence, you may fall out of existence at any given moment, and everypony you ever knew either doesn’t exist or does exist but never actually met you in the real world, and you broke what was probably the best relationship you were going to find in the real world…”

“Are you going somewhere with this?” the human ran has hand through his mohawk in annoyance.

“I forget,” the goat shrugged, as a changeling mare came up from behind and playfully poked him in the flank with her horn.

“Gary!” the changeling cooed, “What does a mare have to do to get your attention, these days?”

“Whatserface!” the goat broke into a grin, “I was starting to wonder if you were still on the road. Ki, this lovely lady is Whatserface. Whatserface, this human is Ki. He’s cosplaying as an escaped mental patient, just FYI. The place seems rather festive tonight, my dear.”

“Haven’t you heard the news?” Whatserface beamed, “There’s a new princess, a changeling princess!”

“You don’t say? Well, that IS good news!” Gary grinned back, “We’ll have to get a room, and you can tell me all about it!”

“Like, we’re gonna be doing SO much talking,” the changeling giggled, “You know I charge extra for threesomes, right?”

“Oh I have no intention of sharing you, my dear Whatserface,” the goat grinned, then turned to Ki, “Don’t run off or do anything I wouldn’t… actually don’t do most anything I WOULD do. And seriously, don’t run off. If I have to chase you down again I’m putting you in a pet carrier. I’m serious!”

Ki rolled his eyes, and waved the pair off.

“So... Teenaged-Human-Twilight-Sparkle,” he heard Gary ask as the couple’s conversation drifted off, “Is that a thing you can pull off?”

-Three Drinks In-

“This stuff is really good, and I do LOVE me a good schnapps,” Ki said to the changeling dressed in a slinky maid outfit who brought the drinks around, “And yes, you can, and make sure you add you a good big bits-related tip at the end of that tab, too. I’m sure Gary can cover it.”

“Thank you sir,” the changeling replied with a giggle.

Ki offered the waitress a polite smile as she turned to leave, allowing his eye to follow her for only a few moments. The place was large, but followed the layout rules of pretty much every strip club everywhere, with oblong stages along the outer walls, allowing easy access to backstage dressing rooms, a couple of stand-alone island stages, and bars where dancers expertly avoided patrons drinks as they danced by.

As strip shows go it was… confusing, if Ki was honest with himself. It wasn’t as if he had anything against the native female body. And it certainly wasn’t as if he didn’t particularly like changelings. Although, most of the dancers were actually dancing in the guise of (mostly famous) ponies. One particularly interesting stage featured a changeling performing a burlesque dance routine changing between Luna and Celestia rather artfully as she circled the obligatory dance pole.

No, what confused Ki was what exactly the draw of a strip show was in a society made up largely of nudists. Of course, he was the only member of the audience, apparently, who was asking that particular question, as the ponies who made up the club's patronage seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.

-Four Drinks In-

Ki tried not to stare. There she was, right on the other end of the bar. Their eyes met, and for a moment he thought she was going to recognize him. But, almost inevitably, she turned away in shy embarrassment, said something to one of the changeling bouncers and hurried backstage. And why wouldn’t she, Ki thought glumly. She just caught some strange, drunk human staring at her in a crowded strip-club, and Ki was well aware of his ambient creep-factor.

And on cue, here came the bouncer to put him in back in line. Ki took a deep breath and mentally prepared his apology, when things got a little weird. An earth pony, whose coloration and clothing clearly marked him as a pimp, and whose bearing clearly marked him as the boss, broke in and whispered something to the bouncer, who simply nodded and took a position to watch events as they would unfold. As the pony made his way to Ki’s bar-stool, the human reminded himself that this was almost certainly a changeling he was dealing with.

“Well,” the pimp approached all smiles, his voice slightly autotuned, “I see you took notice of my little delivery girl. Do you know Z-978 by some odd chance? She certainly doesn’t seem to know you.”

“Maybe in another life,” Ki smiled wryly, “I.. thought she was somebody I used to know.”

“Curiouser and curiouser,” the pimp grinned, “So how much experience do you have with other lives, ‘friend’? I just bet this isn’t the first time you’ve had this problem.”

Ki did a slight double-take at the pointed statement as his somewhat inebriated brain spun wheels and put pieces in place. Something wasn’t right here, something he just couldn’t quite place.

“I tell you what,” the pimp laughed easily, slipping into his natural changeling form, “You see a lot in this business. And every single time you think you’ve seen it all, well something new just walks right up to the bar and orders a drink. I am Nopony, Mr. Nopony, but mostly everyone just calls me Mr. N.”

Ki’s blood ran cold, and deep down in the pit of his soul he prayed to any god that might be listening, “You meant everypony, I think…”

“Damned if you ain’t right,” the buzzing voice took on distinctive southern drawl, “Still catches me sometimes. I’d say you should introduce yourself, but I hardly think that’s necessary at this point.”

Ki just sat there, dumbfounded, mouth slightly agape.

“I gotta say I never thought I’d see THAT ugly face again,” Mr. N chuckled maliciously, “I swear I don’t remember my reflection looking THAT ragged. No wonder you freaked the lady out. But hey, we’ve confirmed alternate universes, so yay for that, right?

Super Fun Bonus Chapter (Ki): The Last Comic

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And that was the last comic the human known as Ki ever made on his home world before the events that led to him losing his freedom, his dignity, and ultimately being sucked headfirst into an equestrian nightmare. Where he also failed to ship with Diane.

Welcome to Fillydelphia (Surprise Party): Falling Off the Edge of the World

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Surprise Party bounced happily off the train in Fillydelphia, her coat minty and green, and her mane styled straight (she was starting to like her mane that way. She frollicked about the station, showing the picture Pinkie had given her of the missing human. And then she simply disappeared. Although a brief report was filed, witnesses to the event later couldn’t be sure they had ever seen the pony at all, It was as if she never existed, And so that became the case.

-=-=-=-=-

Ki spasmed briefly, eliciting a cruel chuckle from Mr. N.

“Troubles, ‘Friend’?” the changeling pimp grinned at his human counterpart’s discomfort.

“It felt like… I don’t know… like I think a hot air balloon would feel if cut you one of the ropes holding it to the ground…” the mohawked human shook his head dizzily.

“Whatever you're on tell me where you got it,” Mr. N grinned, then scowled, “Seriously, I need you to tell me because somepony who's not me is clearly selling drugs in my establishment.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Oh come on, Gary,” Whatserface called coyly, wearing the facade of a human version of Twilight Sparkle, “I’m telling you it was probably nothing. Reality shifts all the time when you’re with me. What’s the big deal?”

“Well,” the goat sighed, “It’s all well and good for reality to take a sick day… IF I called it in. A major piece of the puzzle just fell out of reality. Which means it probably fell back in somewhere else and…”

“How about human highschool Fluttershy?” the changeling grinned.

“And I’m sure reality won’t start melting for at least an hour or so…” and Gary the Goat, Aka, Discord, the Lord of Chaos, decided reality could just take care of itself.

The Filly Factory (Ki): Low

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Mr N. stood over Ki’s unconscious form, smiling softly.

“Don’t worry, ladies and gentle-colts,” He assured a few worried patrons, “Fool just couldn’t hold his alcohol. You know how humans are.”

The observation was met with understanding laughter, and the pimp gestured to two nearby changelings, “You girls take him and let him sleep it off in a pod. A night of pleasant dreams and he’ll be back on his feet by morning.”

They picked up the human between them in their magic and followed their boss backstage. As they navigated the maze of passages into the underhive, a familiar, homely, brown mare trotted up and scowled, and then broke into a fit of giggles, “It actually worked?”

“How could your majesty have so little faith?” Mr. N kissed the mare on the cheek as she flashed into a shapely grey blue changeling queen, with a curly deep blue mane and tail. Her holes were prominent but were worn so proudly that they did nothing to diminish her, but added a sharp edge to her grace, “Of course it worked, or at least it will, my dearest Lepidopteria, The fool never even suspected he was being drugged. The rest depends on our sweet Anypony.”

A changeling mare appeared as if summoned, “You called, boss?”

“Yes,” Mr. N smiled showing all his fangs as he gestured at the unconscious human, “You know the plan. Copy that human perfectly. Remember, you’re deceiving one of the most powerful, most clever beings in Equestria. Despite the ridiculous goat disguise, that IS still Discord, the Lord of Chaos, and we’d like to keep in his good graces. That means it’s imperative that he not realize our deception. Once in Canterlot, you will stand trial most likely for whatever that poor imitation of me is being held accountable for, and escape as soon as possible.”

“Understood, boss,” the changeling nodded.

“Good,” Mr. N smiled, “Remember no one must suspect that you are not the human known as Ki, or that the real Ki never left Fillydelphia, so leave a trail going practically anywhere else. Once that has been accomplished, you are to rejoin Whatserface and help in the subversion of the Canterlot hive, and ensure that the production and distribution of the product continues.”

“Anything else boss?” the changeling asked.

“One thing,” Mr Nopony added, “Figure out what the connection is between the human and Z-978… and break it.”

“Well,” Queen Lepidopteria cocked her head, “That seems excessive. You aren’t becoming attached to that little cockroach? I’d hate to have to squish her.”

“Not at all, my dear,” Mr. N flashed his most winning smile, “It just offends me that this ape is a path that could have been mine. He’s so pathetic, so lacking in ambition. Anything I can take from him, I will.”

“You shouldn’t be self-conscious, dear,” the Queen said soothingly, “I, for one, fail to see the resemblance at all.”

“Well,” the changeling grinned, “I did get my good-looks after I got here, I have to admit.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Wakey, wakey, monkey boy,” Ki awoke to a hard strike across the face, “Ah, there you are. Sleep well? I know you did. Tainted Love is powerful shit. I didn’t even have to drug you. I’m a little disappointed about that. I haven’t roofied anypony in a long time. Haven’t roofied a human in even longer.”

Ki tried to move, but found himself tied firmly to a chair, “What the fuck man?!?!”

“Oh, come on, you had to have seen this coming,” Mr. N chuckled, “Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe along with your other faults, you’ve got some kind of pathetic morality. You’re like the most pathetic mirror in the fun house. But, it’s like I said, you’ve got nobody but yourself to blame for this one. Sure I WAS gonna have you drugged, but given that you drank four shots of the TL… you know that stuff is basically pony absinth, right?”

“Wait a minute,” Ki started laughing hysterically, “You're not a pimp! The whole whore house is a cover. You’re a drug dealer!”

“Well, yeah,” the changeling admitted, somewhat puzzled, “And you’re kinda raining on my villainous monologue, here. What the fuck is it you find so damned funny?”

“I thought you were me,” Ki laughed, “Like this world’s version of me.”

A hoof to the jaw sent Ki’s lower teeth smashing into his unprotected, fleshy, upper palate. He spit blood as he laughed.

“You’re nothing little man,” Mr. N seethed in fury, “You’re a pale reflection of me at best! PG-13 Mr. Nopony, that’s the best I’d rate you!”

“You’re Iam Noone,” Ki took the hoof to the face with a smile, and continued, “Look at you! You dirty little OC. All reincarnated, actually succeeding at being evil. I’m almost sorry I wrote you wandering off and drowning in a bog that one time.”

“Right now your little roach-slut-would-be-mare-friend is on a train to Canterlot with three kegs of my Tainted Love, and the technology to make more,” Nopony snarled, silencing Ki’s outburst, “That’s right, I turned Z-978 into a drug mule. Do I have your attention now? Good.”

“You know,” Ki said without a trace of humor, “There was a point at which I thought, the text is just doing to me what I did to my OC, over and over, and I kinda talked myself into believing I deserved it, living in that nightmare, I mean. But now I’m starting to see why I always started your story after the lobotomy.”

“The story ends differently when I have a whole brain to play with,” Nopony spit in Ki’s face to drive home his point.

“This story ends the same way your last story ended,” Ki cracked his own crooked smile, “Ima drown you in a bog and drag you to hell. It’s just gonna be more hands-on this time.”

“In any case you don’t have to worry about whatever-it-was that had you being dragged back to Canterlot over,” Mr. N smiled softly as he turned to leave, “I sent a changeling to stand in for you. See, I’m a nice guy, although I don’t think your stand-in will leave a very good impression on little Z.”

Awkward Conversations: The Embarrassing Story of Iam Noone

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"Okay, Diane," Ki glanced around nervously, not sure why his former roommate was a changeling, although it did explain a lot of things, "I know you're pissed. You have a right to be. I lied to you.. alot, but will you please stop looking at me like that. This isn't the usual, 'you tie me up in my sleep' gag... Pear cobbler, Diane! PEAR COBBLER!"

"Secrets and lies," the pink changeling hung over her prey with obvious intended malice, "Why won't you tell me the truth? You told me where your from, you've told me what you really asked for. You even told me about your sweet little dream about Z-978. Why won't you tell me about Mr. N?"

"Iam Noone," Ki bowed his head in defeat, "His name is Iam Noone."

-=-=-=-=-

It started years ago. Before I had even heard about this world. I've told you about the show. Don't look at me like that, we were drunk... well I was drunk... but we DID talk about that! Anyway, this was before there was a show. Nobody on my world knew anything about this world. Much less that it was an actual place. And me and Spright, yes my friend from upstate New York, we wrote this comic: Atabnae - the Embarrassing Story of Iam Noone.

We published it ourselves and I doubt if more than 50 people in our home town ever even heard of it. Our distribution method was less than ideal. We mostly passed out copies at local punk rock and metal shows. We did a couple of issues, but then we started making videos for a local death metal band and the comic was forgotten. If I knew there was any chance it could become any kind of real I would have destroyed it with fire. As it is, Spright took most of the original art with her to New York, the rest was lost.

That should have been the end of it. But years later, I saw the show and fell in love with your world. And... Okay, Diane, I'm not proud of it, but I brought Iam Noone to your world. I didn't know it was a real world! You have to believe me! Even if I did, I had no way of knowing that things I wrote could end up here. I thought a drug addicted lobotomized human in Equestria might be fun, so I wrote a collaborated chapter in this anthology story this guy I met on the internet was doing. Then it spun out into a series of badly written stories that mostly resulted in me almost getting trolled out of the fan-fic community. This time I did destroy it with fire. Erased all the stories from the internet.

The guy I wrote the first story with disappeared sometime around then. I never heard what happened. Always figured he probably just found something better than writing pony stories on the internet. And again that should have been the end of it. Even if the stories were real, I had left Iam dead, and had long since destroyed the stories themselves. But I couldn't stop. Right before I went insane and got sent away by the words, I wrote another Iam Noone comic. This one with Iam as a ghost. I don't know how he got here, but It's my fault.

-=-=-=-=-

"See," the pink changeling traced a chitinous hoof along Ki's face, "That wasn't so hard, now was it? Now there's no secrets between us, Charlie. Isn't it better this way?"

"Please, Diane," the human begged, "Cut me loose, I gotta get out of here! He's going to kill me Diane!"

"I'm sorry, but that would be against the rules, silly," the changeling flipped her straight, pink mane and giggled happily, "But don't worry, I'll come back to play again real soon. You're gonna love the next game we play. We're gonna make cupcakes! Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Ki slumped in defeat as his last hope bounced merrily out the door.

-=-=-=-=-

"Did you learn anything useful, Cupcake dear?" Mr N tried to keep his smile. It always went better with her if you could keep smiling, though if Nopony were to be honest with himself, the pink mare terrified him.

"Nope-a-Roony, Mr. N," the changeling tried unsuccessfully to stop bouncing in place, when something occurred to her and the world for one moment stood still, "Why does everypony keep calling me Cupcake? You know my name is Pinkie Pie."

Mr. N swallowed hard and reached slowly for the security buzzer.

The Waking World (Zillia): Of Dreams and Nightmares

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“The doctors say he probably won’t ever wake up,” a changeling nurse approached the pod to make necessary adjustments, then quickly added, “Your majesty.”

“Yes,” Luna frowned a little, “Humans are such impossible creatures it’s easy to forget how fragile they can be.”

“He’s really lucky, in a way,” the changeling busily went about her work.

“I fail to see how this could be any kind of luck,” the Princess of Dreams raised an eyebrow skeptically, “Alone in a strange land, alive, but trapped in your own body.”

“Well,” the nurse circled to the other side of the pod, “Not that long ago, no pony had access to changeling healing pods, this poor human would likely have died already. The pod keeps his muscles from atrophying, so it’s possible if he does ever wake up, he’ll have at least a chance at a normal life. Do you think he dreams your majesty.”

Luna grew silent, and the changeling tasted a strange sort of guilt as the princess answered, “I know that he does. It was a gift I bestowed upon him. In many ways, this human is the truest of my subjects, his life is forever in a dream. It seemed the best that could be done. He will likely never again walk the waking world, so I gave him a sleeping world he could walk instead. I daresay he is more grateful than others I have bestowed with that gift.”

The Princess’ bitter laugh caused the nurse to flinch, “Well, at any rate I have other patients to attend to, your majesty, enjoy your visit.”

“Wait,” Luna circled around the little changeling, blocking her path, “Please understand we do not take this human’s plight lightly. It is a very powerful spell I have used in the dream world to give this human what comfort he may still find. I did this with only the best of intentions, to bring comfort to one of my subjects lost in a world of nightmares!”

“O- of course your majesty,” the nurse glanced around nervously, unsteady at this much direct attention from pony royalty, she could literally taste the guilt emanating from the alicorn, “But please your majesty, I do have other patients… other sick ponies who need my help right now. I’m the only nurse on this shift who can properly tend to the healing pods.”

“Oh,” Luna was taken aback, realizing that she was terrifying the poor changeling, “Of course, my apologies, miss…”

“Zillia,” the changeling's mood brightened a bit, “It’s a zebra name, I think. I picked it from a book about zebras, anyway.”

The changeling gestured to the hospital ID tag pinned to her uniform, reading, “Zillia, Nurse, Employee ID Z-978.”

“It is a lovely name,” Luna gave her gentlest smile, “I’m sorry to have kept you from your duties Miss Zillia.”

“It’s quite alright your majesty,” the nurse smiled as she departed, “It was an honor to meet you!”

The changeling started to leave and then did a quick little shuffle and bowed deeply, “Forgive me your majesty… I am deceiving you.”

Luna’s gaze darkened noticeably as the changeling continued, “I don’t have any other patients. This human is the only patient in this hospital who requires a healing pod. I.. I was afraid of you… Your Majesty…”

“I see,” the changeling tasted bitter hurt coming from the Princess and immediately regretted her words.

“Forgive me your majesty, we are taught as larva to fear the deadly Princesses who raise the Sun and Moon… you’re almost as terrifying to us as the Unspeakable Pinkie Pie!”

“Of course!” the changeling tasted an odd sense of relief from the powerful alicorn, “You’re afraid of me because of the invasion… not because of my… Nightmare!”

“To be honest your majesty,” Zillia admitted shyly, “From our hives perspective, there was just a big eclypse, and then it stopped. Since we mostly lived underground, most changelings never even noticed. I never heard the legends about… uh… that… until we came to Canterlot. To changelings you’ve only ever been Princess Luna.”

“Oh?” Luna cocked a friendly smile, “It does my heart good to hear that there are subjects of mine who never had to know that… part of me. But I digress. Am I to understand you are in charge of the care of this human?”

“Yes, your majesty,” Zillia nodded and looked sadly at the body floating in the pods green fluid, “He appeared suddenly in front a train. The conductor said he didn’t even try to jump out of the way, he just stood there and waited. The conductor used all his magic to try and stop the train in time… he almost succeeded. That’s probably the only reason the human survived at all.”

“Yes, I heard about the incident,” Luna found herself gazing into the pod, “When I first entered his dreams they were nothing but unstructured fear and pain. I had talked to the doctors and sought to help in what small way that I could.”

The human’s eyes suddenly snapped open, causing the alicorn to start, and prompting the changeling nurse to make adjustments to the pod itself, “I wouldn’t be alarmed your majesty, he does that sometimes, but it’s easy enough to see from the pod itself that he’s still very clearly in the dream world. I used to think it was a sign that maybe he was aware of the outside world, since he mostly opens his eyes like that when he has visitors. Doctor Samantha says, however that it’s most likely just nerves reacting to external stimuli. It’s unlikely that he’s aware of anything in the waking world.”

“He has visitors?” Luna was genuinely surprised, given that the human had been comatose since his arrival it seemed impossible that could have friends in equestria.

“Oh yes, your majesty,” Zillia smiled and nodded vigorously, “Surprise, another of our patients, comes around almost daily and talks to him. He can’t hear her of course, but she swears it cheers him up. Nopony here see’s the harm. She calls him Charles, which is odd in a way, since nopony really knows what his name is.”

“I see,” Luna nodded slowly.

“And the Ambassador, Silver Lining came around once,” Zillia continued, noticing an odd flinch at the ambassador’s name, “Oh, and Discord visits him some times. We have been tempted to call security, but all he does is talk quietly to the patient for a short while before he disappears. The patient is quite responsive to those visits, and not in any negative way one might expect. And I come in and talk to him sometimes when I’m off duty. It seemed strange at first, but in his own way, he’s a very good listener.”

“Well,” Luna smiled, “I’m glad to hear so many of my subjects have taken an interest in this human’s well being.”

“Well, your majesty,” Nurse Zillia made some marks on a chart and nodded towards the door, “I really do have to leave to file these charts, although you’re welcome to stay and talk with the patient if you want. He probably can’t hear you, but I’m sure in his heart he can feel your concern.”

“Yes, I think I will at that,” and after the nurse had left, Luna turned sad eyes on the broken human, “I’m not a bad pony, truly. I only want my subjects to be happy, you understand, don’t you. Perhaps I was wrong to use my magic to sway a pony's mind, but the same magic helps to hold another mind together while his body heals. We all have our moments of shame, just as we have our moments of pride. You are one of my moments of pride. You are nopony, a being without even a name, and yet I came to you and pulled you from your pain and gave you a life that you could still live.”

The human’s expressionless eyes seemed accusing to the princess, and she imagined his reply, “So that’s what I am? A half living testiment to tell the world that despite your, sins your still a good pony. I get to live out my life in a pod, never knowing the waking world, not because you really cared about what happened to one lonely suicidal human you’d never met, but to somehow make up for what you did to the human you actually cared about. I think you should go.”

It was impossible to say if the nameless human had any awareness of the free flowing tears in the Princess eyes, but he closed his own as soon as she vanished in a flash of dark magic, continuing his endless dream.

It Came Like a Thief in the Night (Ki): The End of the Beginning

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I sulked in the observation cell for what could have been hours or minutes. The place was designed to deny me a sense of time. It was made to give me nothing to react to, and no way to harm myself, short of running head first into a wall repeatedly until I was restrained for my own safety. I had considered the option briefly. Restraints were almost certain to come with sedation. I needed to be sedated right then. I needed desperately to forget, if only for a little while everything that had suddenly never happened again.
But more than that I needed to get out. The words had put me back here. Back on the first day. Back in the cage. All my earlier screaming had earned me extra security when the orderly came to bring me my sandwich. Tuna fish salad. It was always tuna fish salad. This time through the loop they had taken my plastic-ware. I tried to remember if they had done that the last time. Much like the roll-down cage that kept me from doing anything crazy with the sink or toilet, I wondered at what they found to be the necessity of all this.
Did they really think I was going to drown myself in the toilet? Or that I had enough energy or determination to stab myself to death with a plastic spork? Or was it even my safety they were concerned with. I always wondered just what kind of psychopath they thought they were dealing with... but ultimately it didn't matter. They would transfer me over to the general population, sans pants and dignity, at 9:45, just like they always did.
The sandwich was unassembled, the tuna in a nondescript plastic tub in a little compartment with two slices of wheat bread, as always. In a second compartment there was a whole orange, and in a third a four ounce foil-lidded cup of apple juice. It always seemed strange that they would trust me with peeling my own orange, but not with a plastic spork. Surely they must realize that I'm at least somewhat functional.
"May I use the sink, sir?" I ask the security guard in my most even, most polite voice. They weren't going to let me out tonight, of course, but I still had three more days before it happened again. Three more days to get out and... do what?
"Why do you need the sink?" the guard asked suspiciously.
"Well," allowed myself a little laugh, which earned me an even more suspicious look, "If you can't trust me with a spork, and I'm gonna eat tuna fish salad with my fingers, I'd like to at least wash my hands first."
Gods, it's not like you didn't watch me on the camera flicking boogers at the wall to pass the time for the last hour. But I guess my request seems legit, because he rolls up the cage while another guard stands ready in case I start doing anything crazy with the facilities, and I wash my hands and eat without incident. Everything has to be without incident, if they're going to let me out before the fourth night. That's when the words are coming back. I don't know what good it will do me to be not-here. Maybe none. Maybe the words can snatch me up wherever I go. Throw me in that crazy world for however long it takes me to fail and then set me right back here where it started. But if that were the case why always throw me back here and now? Was it some test, one that I could never seem to pass? Or perhaps it just needed that special desperation of, "they're not gonna let you out anytime soon this time to make me play along."
Eventually the doctor comes in. The same doctor who never gives his name, and whose name I never ask.

“Do you know why you’re here?” no Mr. Dr. Sir that somehow eludes me.

And then I’m just not there anymore. I’m nowhere. And that’s when the words come. It’s that moment is when I have to break down. That is the moment it finds me.

~Where do you want to go?~

“For fucks sake just put me in front of a fucking train!”

~What do you want bring with you?~

“I don’t care.”

Why do I have to relive this so many times? I’m too shocked to jump. I’m too terrified to accept it. The train is screaming at me now. I’m going to jump. I’m going to accept fate. Im’ going to jump. The train is going to stop. I’m going to accept fate.

I am Nopony: the Unmourned

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~Where do you want to go?~
“For fucks sake just put me in front of a fucking train!”
~What do you want bring with you?~
“I don’t care.”

My first instinct was to jump, but I froze for just a second, and I swear the train sped up. They wanted to hit me. I guess, in a way, I jumped just in time. The train only grazed me. Probably the only reason i survived at all. That was the moment it became a failed suicide. And nothing says failure quite like failed suicide.

Let me tell you there is no lower moment in life than when you fail to cause your own death. Every fucking fiber of my being burned with pain, and I still wasn’t fucking dead. And there I was in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but just lay there and bleed while I thought about what I’d done.

I don’t know how long I had lain there like that. The pain was starting to fade, along with my vision. But my hearing must have still been okay, because I could hear the buzzy, chittering voices around me.

“Is it still alive?”

“It’s twitching!”

“We should put it out of it’s misery. I mean, we can’t just leave it here like this.”

“No,” that last voice seemed to carry more weight, there was something… sad and broken there that I could relate to, “We’re not monsters. That is why we ran. I may only be a brood queen, but I still have magic. I can’t mend his broken body, but perhaps I can give him a new one.”

“Do you have enough energy?”

“What if he’s too weak to even survive the transformation?”

“Then I guess we ended up putting him out of his misery after all,” a new voice, judging me with it’s unspeakable pinkness raked across my brain, “Who knew?”

“Stand back, my little changelings,” the sad voice commanded, “I will end his suffering, one way if not the next!”

That would have been a really good time to lose consciousness. I mean a REALLY good time. Getting hit by the train was honestly less painful. Or possibly equally painful, but it was all at once, at least. It was all just one big BOOM, everything is broken, just sit back and let the shock lull you to sleep.

This was the reverse of that only slower. broken bones and ruptured organs twisting back into place and form. But not the same place. Or Form. I screamed until I cried, and then I cried until I pissed myself, and then I just laid there in liquid shame and cried some more.

“Is it alive?”

“He’s still twitching.”

“It’s a he!”

“What is your name?” I felt something hard and soft at the same time prod me gently.

“I am no one,” I didn’t even bother to open my eyes.

“No pony is nopony,” the hard/soft thing stroked my own strangely hard/soft back, “Even the lowest drone is somepony.”

And I opened my eyes. And I saw my hole-pocked legs. And I saw my greenish-black shell. And I saw my Hooves. And I laughed. And Laughter washed over it all. All the pain, all the shock, and the screaming, all the crying, all the liquid shame. Okay, not the liquid shame. That left a stain.

“I am Nopony,” and for the first time in my life I knew who I was.

The Last of the Mohawkians: Escape From Fillydelphia

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Opening theme-music is a thing, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKIKW6EIvEg

A distant rumble rattled the walls in the small interrogation room where Ki was restrained. He only had a moment to contemplate before the door opened. He didn’t have too look up to know it as Nopony. Diane never used the door. He was unsure how she got in, or if she was simply hiding there the whole damn time.

“Well, well,” the changeling pimp circled the chair like a predator, “Little bit of psychic seismic unrest? Must be unnerving for you, being the one who's a figment in someone else's brain for once. Ever wonder what happens to imaginary things when the story ends? I don’t, of course, you taught me that lesson a long time ago. How’s it feel? Being the one bounced around with a malfunctioning brain, locked in a game you were born to lose?”

“Meh,” Ki shrugged and laughed a little, “I’m bipolar as hell. Apart from dying a lot at first, and honestly my memories on that aren’t very clear, but aside from that it hasn’t been that bad.”

“You created me as a drug addicted lobotomy patient,” it wasn’t an accusation, it was simply a statement of fact, and Ki recognized it as such, “But I figured out a way out, that last time. Before you left me drowning in that bog, you let me fall out of reality. Seemed harmless enough, I’ll bet you even got a good chuckle out of it. ‘The pony who wasn’t there’, it has a nice ring to it, I’ll admit. But it saved my life, and I don’t think you intended that.”

“Actually,” Ki smiled a little, “I was always gonna bring you back eventually. Thought I’d let you fight Mr. Smiley Sun again, in Pony country. Hell, I was even gonna ship you with The Unspeakable Pinkie Pie. But honestly you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself, good for you.”

“No, that can’t be true!,” the changeling lashed out, striking the mohawked human hard across the jaw, “You’re going to pay for what you’ve done for me! I’m going to take away everything you have! Everything you are I am going to break!.”

“Okay,” the man spit blood in the changeling's face, “Two things: First, punching me in the face is just not a very sound tactic against me. I have, like a +3 to save versus sucker punch. Two, it’s really too bad you had to involve Z in this. Because I really hate to have to fuck you up.”

“Oh, relax,” Nopony laughed easily, “It’s just schnapps. Well, schnapps-plus, maybe. It’s good shit, but honestly, I was fucking with you. I like Z. She’s a good kid. Our hive has worked hard and dirty to get where we are. I sent her with my official emissaries. Is there massive double dealing? Of course, but honestly if this was a drug scheme, why would I send them instructions on how to make it yourself. We have a solid, vice-based, sustainable changeling business model and we, the queen and I that is, would like to get in good with the new princess and ride the wave, so to speak. Nopony gets hurt here… well except you, of course… but no other pony. This is what happens when I’m in your shoes. Look what happens to you when you’re in mine.”

“Got a secret can you keep it tell this one you’ll save”, a painfully pink changeling bounced up from behind Nopony, “Better Lock it in your pocket, you're taking this one to the grave.”

“Gah,” Ki flinched as the changeling flashed a smile full of teeth that would be more at home in the mouth of a shark, “Dammit Diane!”

Nopony fared far worse, scrambling into a corner in sudden terror. The Pink, chitinous mare cuddled up against Ki’s side, “Well, it’s been fun, Charlie, but it’s almost over. It’s time for everypony to tell their secret. You go first, Mister N. Go on, tell Ki what deal you made with the Text. Tell him what you asked for, you’ve been waiting SO long to tell him. There’s really no time to be dragging it out, anymore.”

“You’re right of course,” the changeling regained his composure and smiled broadly, “I’m sure you're wondering how I survived…”

“Not really,” the human shrugged.

“Shush,” Diane bopped him painfully in the head with one hoof, “This is important!”

“Thank you Cupcake,” Nopony continued, ignoring the glare from the irritated changeling, “That one little, ill thought glitch you thought would be so funny turned out to be really useful. I stopped existing and fell between time and cut a deal with the text. He agreed to open a path to let me trade places with you. When this dream ends I get your life, and you get to be the man who wasn’t there.”

“I am so sorry,” Ki swallowed hard, “Seriously, man, I did not mean to do that to you.”

“Oh, it’s too late to beg for mercy now,” Mr. Nopony grinned wide at his impending victory, “I get everything you have, and you get to fall apart with the rest of this stupid dream. My only regret is that this moment couldn’t last longer. I was going to really play out the Strip Club hive thing, but dream logic says it ends when it ends.”

“I asked the text to put me in front of a train,” Ki bowed his head and closed his eyes slowly, “Diane’s been helping me come to terms with it, but I’m in a coma, in a changeling healing pod, in a hospital, in Canterlot. There’s no real chance of recovery. I was never going to wake up… now I guess that’s you.”

“Wha… no!” Nopony composure dissolved into panic, he turned to the the other changeling, “It’s a lie! You’re both lying to me!”

“Remember our deal, Charlie, MISTER Nopony just told you how you can get out of here. I helped you understand what was happening, you know what you have to ask to bring with you,” the malformed changeling turned to Nopony and smiled with all her teeth, “I told you I hated the name Cupcake.”

Ki sighed and the chair was empty, and the ropes fell to the floor.

-=-=-=-=-

~I see the paths I opened have run their course, where do you want to go now? Back home perhaps?~

“No,” the mohawked human sighed, “I made a deal. I keep my deals. Send me to Equestria.”

~What do you want to take with you?~

“I’m taking Diane. I promised I’d take her if she helped me escape.”

~You’ve made an interesting choice, I’ll give you an interesting destination.~

“We made it!” Ki found himself in a bone crushing embrace that suddenly slackened, “Uh, Charlie, why are we still in the basement of the Filly Factory?”

It was true, though the room looked to be used more for storing cleaning supplies than a secret torture chamber, it was definitely the same room they had just left. As they glanced around, they noted thankfully that at least it was only the two of them and Mr. Nopony was nowhere to be seen.

-=-=-=-=-

“Nurse Zillia!” the doctor looked over the charts and notes, “What happened? Is the patient alright?”

“He’s fine doctor,” Zillia nodded, “For one brief moment there was a spike in brain activity, and I thought he might actually wake up. But he went back under almost instantly.”

“Just as well,” the doctor sighed, “At least in Luna’s dream, he can have some kind of life. Even if he ever did wake up…”

“I know, doctor,” the changeling said sadly, “The pod's really the only thing keeping him alive right now. I can’t even be sure how much, if any, of his brain activity is really his, and how much of it’s just the dream Luna crafted to make him comfortable.”

The Last of the Mohawkians: The More Things Change

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Opening theme-music is a thing, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKIKW6EIvEg

“What the clop are you doing exactly” Diane cocked her head to one side, then to the other as her human companion searched through boxes of cleaning supplies and carefully examined various bottles of varying industrial strength cleaning products.

“I’m trying to see if I can find anything useful,” Ki rolled his eyes in irritation.

“We’re locked in a broom closet, in a strip club, Charlie,” the pink changeling pointed out helpfully, “what do you expect to find?”

“I dunno,” the Mohawked human shrugged, “I've found enough stuff to make mustard gas so far though. So… yay me?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Charlie,” Diane shimmied up Ki’s back and poked her head over his shoulder, “I’m as down with gassing a strip club as the next pony, but not while we’re locked in a broom closet in the same strip club. You see the first one is all like, ‘Ha, ha, it’s funny because it’s a senseless act of mass murder’, but the second is just a weird way to commit suicide. And if you’re gonna break up with me via suicide, it had BETTER be auto-erotic asphyxiation, mister!”

“Auto-erotic...wait, break up?” Ki suddenly started paying the mare his full attention, “Are we a couple now?”

“I’m not going to bite off any of your fingers this time because I’m assuming the Pine Sol fumes are to blame,” she still gave him a painful smack to the back of his head.

“Ow!” Ki turned to face Diane, “Cut me some slack Diane. I mean, hell, you spent Jeezac-only-knows how long keeping me tied to a chair, torturing me for my evil alter-ego-would-be-nemesis! That’s when you weren’t grinding on my leg like a cocker spaniel. So, you could say there were some seriously mixed signals.”

“Yeah,” the changeling’s face took on a smile that could be described as “dreamy”, were it not for the shark-like teeth that filled her mouth, “Those were good times.”

“That was earlier today, Diane,” Ki replied flatly.

“Still good times,” the mare insisted, “And, in case you’ve forgotten I also helped you come to terms with the consequences of your failed suicide and ultimately helped you escape from, at best, a lifelong coma dream, and at worst complete nonexistence. So you could at the very least show me some love!”

“You’re right Diane,” Ki conceded his defeat, “I owe you a lot… I literally wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

“That’s so sweet,” the changeling cooed before her voice took on a serious edge, “But, for real, show me some love, I’ve starving here!”

-=-=-=-=-

“Trust me your majesty,” Discord floated alongside a large changeling queen as they navigated the backstage of the strip club, “Human diplomats are all the rage this year. Practically all the royalty have a human diplomat with a waifu body-guard!”

“I have heard rumors of this,” the queen nodded thoughtfully, “But aren’t the humans usually turned into ponies first?”

“Well, yes, technically,” the Lord of Chaos waved his hand dismissively, “But, oddly enough, there’s an old equestrian law that lets you turn a human into a pony and use them in creepy breeding experiments if you save their life first… Actually, given recent events, Celestia’s probably gonna be taking that of the books pretty soon.”

“So, if I understand correctly,” the Queen arked a single eyebrow, “You’re going to summon a human diplomat for my hive, and in return I give you…”

“Shhh,” the draconequus placed a single talon to the changelings lips, drawing an irritated scowl, “Spoilers! And I’ve already summoned them. We just have to let them out of the broom closet.”

“Why would you summon them into a broom closet?” the queen's face was a mask of confused annoyance.

“Honestly, it was the nearest convenient subliminal wormhole I could find,” Discord shrugged absently, “And here we are!”

The door was thrown open, and the changeling queen let out a small shriek and backpedaled quickly before regaining her composure. A monstrously malformed pink changeling was perched like a predator over a prone human male with the human’s entire head impossibly entirely inside it’s mouth.

“This totally isn’t what it looks like!” The changeling tried, unsuccessfully, to look innocent as the human gasped for air.

“It looks like you were eating that human like a boa constrictor!” The queen trembled in shock.

“Oh… then it really isn’t what it looks like,” the changeling wiped a hoof across her head with relief, “We were just making out.”

“GodDAMMIT Diane!” the human swore angrily, his mohawked head covered in changeling saliva, “You have GOT to get used to the concept of safe-words!”

The Last of the Mohawkians: Orphan of War

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Opening theme-music is a thing, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKIKW6EIvEg

“These are the diplomats you summoned?” The Queen looked incredulously at Discord.

“Well” the Draconequus rolled his eyes, “They ARE a bit rough around the edges, I’ll admit…”

“The pink one was clearly trying to eat the human,” the Queen replied flatly.

“Seriously, Diane,” Ki gave his companion a look, “We are going to have a serious talk about boundaries later.”

“I swear, we were just making out!” the pink monstrosity flashed her friendliest smile… which was much less than helpful.

“A very long talk,” the human buried his face in his hand and sighed.

“Ki, Pinkie Pie #7, meet Madame Butterfly, Queen Regent of the Fillydelphia hive,” the Draconequus smiled at the couple, “Madame Butterfly, meet Kiki Charles Steen, and Pinkie Pie #7.”

“Are you a changeling?” Madame Butterfly examined Diane carefully, unsure what to make of the creature.

“There were 13 Pinkie Pies in the invasion,” Diane’s eyes lost focus, “Chrysalis had raised us all from birth to be perfect copies of the original. My best friends were Rainbow Dash #3 and my baby sister Pinkie Pie #13. We thought we were ready…”

“It’s okay Diane,” Ki laid an arm around her neck and pulled her close, then gave the changeling queen a harsh look.

“I.. see,” the queen shook her head sadly, “I thought all of the Elements of Deception had all died during the invasion. I’m so sorry.”

“The worst was my little sister,” the pink changeling was sobbing openly, “I told her to stay close. I told her I would keep her safe. But nothing was safe against that unspeakable pinkness. She wielded a unicorn like some kind of death machine, I don’t even have a word for it. #13 died in my hooves, her body was full of the wrong kind of holes. That monster had filled her with holes that leaked, and all my sister’s life just leaked out right there on the street. And the pink beast never stopped laughing the whole time.”

“Our hive was founded by changelings who escaped during the invasion,” Madame Butterfly stepped back and bowed her head, “I was a brood queen in Chrysalis’ hive, captured from my own hive and forced to lay eggs to increase the mad queen’s army. The Elements of Deception were my children. They were infiltration drones, not soldiers. Force grown and indoctrinated in a matter of weeks, they were really only foals. Chrysalis only ever intended them to be a distraction, she threw their lives away so carelessly… I’m glad at least one of my daughters survived.”

“I was hatched by Queen Lepidopteria on my world,” Pinkie Pie #7 cocked her head curiously.

“Oh,” Discord floated upside down between the two changelings, “Now would probably be a good time to point out that neither of them are from this world. Ki of course is from the human world via the parallel dream-universe that gave birth to this lovely little monster.”

Discord patted the pink mare on the head, when there was a sudden snapping sound leaving the mismatched chaos spirit drawing back a bloody nub.

“All right, no petting, sheesh,” he rolled his eyes and quickly reformed the missing limb, then turned to the changeling queen, “Nevertheless, you asked for a human diplomat, and I summoned one.”

“Wait,” Ki laughed out loud, running a free hand through his mohawk, “You want ME to be diplomat? Jeezac of Prozation, and the doctors said I was crazy...”

“Non-sense!” Discord laughed good naturedly, “You’ll be perfect for the job. And I’m not saying that just because I think it would be hilarious watching you negotiate with Ambassador Watch. I also have other very sound reasons.”

“I have my doubts as well,” the queen arced a single eyebrow strategically, “But you kept our hive safe during the Tyrek invasion, and so I will trust you in this.”

“Uh,” Ki raise his free hand to ask a question, “Do I get any say in this at all?”

“Do you ever?” Diane asked cheerfully.

“Actually,” Discord grinned widely, “By equestrian law, if you save a human’s life, you get to turn them into a pony and they have to serve you. Luna does it all the time. Just pay attention to how many bat-themed ponies are running around when you get to Canterlot. There used to be a lot less, trust me. And since I orchestrated breaking you out of the Comaverse…”

“Goddammit,” Ki swore and shook his head, “Is this a Tuesday? Because this feels like some Tuesday shit.”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” the Lord of Chaos draped a forelimb over the human’s shoulder casually, “Look on the bright side, your proclivity for not wearing pants will seem much less weird from now on.”

The Last of the Mohawkians: Dealing With the Devil You Know

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Opening theme-music is a thing, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKIKW6EIvEg

“So,” Discord smiled gleefully, “What kind of pony do you want to be?”

“Be a changeling! Be a changeling!” Ki didn’t even question where Diane had gotten the pom poms at this point, truth be told, he’d stopped asking questions some time ago.

“Think about it Diane,” Ki sighed patiently, “Only one of us can be a changeling, otherwise we gotta find some other pony to throw love at us. Given our particular personality types, that might be tricky.”

“Oh, yeah,” Diane made a thoughtful face, “How about a bat-pony?”

“Don’t call them bat ponies,” Ki let out another resolved, long suffering sigh, “That's racist, Diane.”

“Oh, yeah,” the pink changeling’s face became wrinkled with deep thought.

“At any rate, no bat-ponies,” Discord dismissed the notion with complete disregard, “That’s Lulu's thing. Poor dear is entirely obsessed with bats. Like they’re the only thing that comes out at night. If it were me I’d have maybe some possum ponies, or maybe owl ponies…”

“I wanna be a unicorn I guess,” Ki shrugged, “I gotta have hands of some kind, man.”

"Tazzl-pony it is then!” Discord was already rolling up the sleeves on the lab coat he was suddenly wearing, “Who needs hands when you can have tentacles?”

“Wait, what now?”

But it was already too late, with a snap of Discord's talons, Ki the human was forever gone. A nearly instant cocoon of cotton candy engulfed the human, quickly hardening into a pink, sugary chrysalis.

“That is still a word,” Diane happily reminded everypony present, much to the confusion of every pony present, except maybe Discord, who pretended not to notice.

Within the transformation progressed quickly, as the former human known as Ki liquified into his primordial smooze. It turned out, Ki’s Primordial smooze consisted of equal parts beer and soda, with a dash of coffee, and oddly smelled slightly of feet. The smooze reformed and evolved through the various stages of equestrian evolution. All of this took a matter of seconds. As Ki regained his senses he became more and more aware of his new self. Four legs. Not two. No arms, No hands. And his hooves seemed fairly hard, hoof-life, and unbending. Only four limbs. No wings. So not a pegasus. Just as well, he had always been afraid of heights.

It was somewhere around this point that he realized he was trapped in a shell of hardened cotton candy. He tried to scream something very much along the lines of “let me out”. That was when he had the strangest urge to vomit he had ever felt in his roughly half the lifespan of a human. And in truth, he was very familiar with the differences in vomiting. This wasn’t an, “I ate some bad chicken get it out!” vomit. It was not an “I’m way too drunk and vomiting will make me less dizzy,” vomit. This was an, “I woke up at two A.M. and chugged a liter of ice cold soda and obviously all that CO2 is gonna go somewhere,” vomit. From deep in his esophagus some… things… fought to emerge. His mouth opened to let it out, and then strangely opened again. The chrysalis shattered around him.

“It’s still the technically accurate term for that,” Diane once again reminded everypony. Who all remained equally confused.

“KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!” The Queen screamed.

“Dawww,” Dianed cooed, “He comes with built in puppies!”

The Last of the Mohawkians: An Awkward Proposal

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Opening theme-music is a thing, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKIKW6EIvEg

"I question the wisdom of a diplomat who looks like a ravenous monster," Madame Butterfly arced a critical eyebrow.

"Don't listen to that mean old Queenie," Diane petted and nuzzled the three tongue-tentacle-things, each of which came equipped with it's own set of shark like jaws, "You are just the most adorable little puppies I have ever seen! Who's a little sweetums? Who's a little sweetums?"

"They're not puppies Diane," Ki rolled his eyes, momentarily questioning how he was speaking clearly with a bi-segmented jaw, and three lengthy, extended tentacles coming out of his mouth, "They're my tongues."

"You don't listen to that mean, smelly old Ki," Diane continued nuzzling the monstrous things, "You can be puppies if you want to!"

"Need a better look?" Discord snapped his talons summoning a full length mirror into existence.

The now former human examined himself carefully. Aside from the segmented jaw, and the snake like appendages (which darted, played, and nuzzled Diane exactly like one might expect of puppies) he appeared to be a relatively normal, if largish and especially brightly colored, earth pony. He guessed that he could probably give Big McIntosh a run for his money on shear bulk, if not height. He noticed he was especially broad in the shoulders, reminiscent of a bull-dog. His coat was a painfully bright cyan, while his mane and tail were a bright fire-engine-red. He was pleased to see that his mane as still very clearly crested into an obvious mohawk.

"Now," Discord rubbed his fore-paws together with glee, "One quick tutorial, and then I have important business to attend... probably, or maybe I'll just go home and make tapioca. I haven't decided. Your tazzl-snakes are by far smarter than any stupid old unicorn horn, so you won't need any special fancy schooling. They already know what they can do. Just let them know what you want, and if they can do it they will. The two on the outside recharge, the one in the middle does tricks. Couldn't be easier!"

"Wait, what do you mean 'recharge'?" But once again it was already too late, as the Lord of Chaos had already disappeared in a flash of chaotic magic.

"Well, I suppose that makes you the official Diplomatic Envoy of the Fillydelphia Independent Collective to Canterlot, Ambassador Steen," the changeling queen sighed with resignation.

"Oh, oh, you need a pony name!" Ki's pink abomination suddenly insisted, "How about DayGlow Charlie Pie #7?"

"And why would I have your last name, Diane?" Ki decided not to question why his tongues were all coiled in Diane's lap, or why Diane was sitting on the floor human-style, instead focussing on questions that MIGHT actually have rational answers.

"Because we're getting married of course!" Diane replied brightly.

“Diane,” the former human sighed deeply, “We’ve only known each other for a few days.”

“But we already know everything about each other, silly,” the pink changeling countered easily, scruffing the head of each of the three tazzl-snakes, “I’m gonna call you Lefty, and you can be Righty! And you… hmmm, I’ma name you Middler!”

The three nuzzled the changeling in obvious appreciation,

“Alright, Diane,” the bright blue tazzl-pony pony leveled a serious gaze on the mare, “How is it that you know everything about me?”

“That’s easy!” The changeling flashed her friendliest smile, eliciting a shudder from the nearby changeling queen, “I tied you to a chair and tortured you until you told me all your secrets.”

“Very good, Diane,” the tazzl-pony returned a wide smile that was equally terrifying, “And how do I know everything about you?”

“I taped your eyes open so you couldn’t sleep while I told you all my secrets, silly,” the changeling smiled and let out a happy sigh at the memory.

“Right again,” Ki nodded, “And what syndrome is the basis of our relationship?”

At this question Diane had to put on her serious thinking face, before finally answering, “Sherlock Stock-Holmes?”

Ki cocked his head one way, and then the next, before finally decided to let it go, “Close enough. And what does that tell you, Diane?”

“That I want a Canterlot wedding!” The changeling jumped into the air in a shower of excitement and confetti.

“Okay,” the newly minted tazzl-pony accepted his fate with a wry chuckle, “But we seriously gotta work on the names.”

Dear Diary (Diane): The Secrets We Keep

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Now with better theme music!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhiPAsOmqAc

Charlie’s asleep right now, so I’m having Middler write this for me. I have to learn to read and write one day. I wonder if I had known how to write if I’d write backwards now? Charlie writes backwards sometimes, but he says that’s because he has a dyslexic, not because he used to be a dream. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m not a dream anymore, so when I do learn to write it will be real-life-wake-up-writing.

Which also makes me wonder, who am I writing this for? I mean, I can’t read it. I know I don’t want the other changelings reading it. Don’t get me wrong, the changelings here have been super nice to me. And the place kind of reminds me of home… and maybe that’s the problem.

I tell myself it’s different here. And it is. And I know it is, because I can see it. It’s somehow… cleaner than the hive back home. Maybe it’s because he’s not here. But what if I just brought a new Nopony with me? Charlie made him. No matter what, I can’t forget that. I thought Nopony was different to at first, too. I thought I’d finally found somepony who could see past my smile.

I know Charlie’s different from him, because… why? Nopony was always super nice when we first met. He fell out of a broom closet in the basement of the hive, and he seemed to know so much about the world. It was like he knew all the ponies personally. And he told so many stories, and I thought they were all super-fun because I thought they were all just stories he made up. And then the Queen started listening to his stories. And she made him into a changeling and he became a part of our hive. I was really happy then.

I guess I knew things weren’t what I thought they were when the Queen told me I had to stay out of sight. Nopony said I was scaring the customers. That’s when I started staying in the broom closet. Then one day Nopony put another pony in the closet with me. He said they were doing bad things and hurting our hive. He said the Queen needed me to find out their secrets. So I did. It became my job after that, and I left the closet less and less. Ponies didn’t want to see me, and the only ponies I ever saw were were the ones Nopony gave me to play with.

I started hating secrets. If ponies didn’t have so many secrets, then he wouldn’t make me find out their secrets, and I wouldn’t be a bad pony. I didn’t want to be a monster, but it didn’t matter, because none of those dirty little ponies would even look past my smile. They just wanted to cling to their dirty little secrets. So I hid away in my little closet, hoping someday maybe I could fall out and be in a better place, just like Nopony had.

I don’t know how long it went on like that. How long it had been since I’d seen the sun and the sky. It wasn’t like they locked me in the closet. I could leave. I think Nopony wanted me to leave. I think the Queen and the other changelings wanted that too. But I didn’t leave, because where would I go? Equestria was just like the factory. It was a dirty place full of dirty ponies who looked away when I smiled. And it went on like that until one day Nopony threw Charlie in the closet, and told me I couldn’t break this one. Which was odd, because he normally didn’t care if I broke anypony he gave me to play with.

Charlie was different, right away. It was like he knew me. Not just ponies, but me personally. He called me the wrong name, my name was never Diane. My name had always been Pinky Pie #7. But it was okay, because I could tell somehow that he wasn’t telling me I couldn’t be Pinky Pie. Somehow, that name meant that to him I really WAS Pinky Pie. Even after he figured out that I wasn’t really the real Pinky Pie, he still called me Diane, because I was still Pinky Pie to him.

Charlie was so different from the ponies Nopony usually gave me to play with. He didn’t just tell me his secrets because he wanted to make the game stop. Charlie told me his secrets because he really felt bad he had kept them from me in the first place. And then Charlie told me the biggest secret of all, and I knew that somehow, there was a way out.

I knew things. More than Nopony ever gave me credit for. When ponies don’t want to see you they pretend you’re not there, and you hear things. Just because because you ignore somepony doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I knew Nopony had made a deal with the goat. I knew the deal was supposed to take him somewhere better. I knew it was going to make the whole world go away and he was going to let me go away with it. The goat called it a dream, but I knew it was really the whole world.

But who could I tell? What changeling would listen to stupid, broken, ugly Cupcake? I hated that name. That name meant I wasn’t really Pinky Pie. It meant my sister wasn’t really Pinky Pie, and my best friend wasn’t really Rainbow Dash. It meant everypony thought I was just a stupid, silly little bug who couldn’t even change right. It meant I belonged in a cold, dark place in a closet in the basement.

But I could tell Charlie. And Charlie never called me Cupcake, or told me I was stupid or broken. But we were still stuck in that cold dark place buried beneath a giant party that was nothing to us but the tombstone over a forgotten grave. And Charlie said he knew what Nopony wanted, and that maybe he could get away, and that he’d take me with him.

A Lot of ponies said they’d take me with them if I helped them get away. I had learned pretty quick that they were lying. That’s why I didn’t believe Charlie. Even though I helped him anyway, when he fell out of the world to make a deal with the words, I knew he was just leaving me to go away with the rest of the world. And that was going to be the end of it. Pinky Pie #7 was just going to disappear right along with her stupid closet. And then something magical happened. I really did fall out of the closet and into somewhere better.

And Charlie says he’s going to take me to Canterlot. And that I’m going to get to ride on a train. And that I can smile whenever I want. And this time I really do believe him. But I worry sometimes because I thought Nopony was different too. Well, I think Charlie’s about to wake up, so I’m gonna put this up for now. I still don’t know who I’m writing this for. Maybe one day when I learn how to read I’ll read it to Charlie. I guess now it’s just Mine and Middler’s little secret. It feels nice to have my own secrets that I didn’t have to take from anypony. And I know Middler will never tell.

Survivor's Guilt (Pinkie Pie #13): Anypony But Me

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My name is Pinkie Pie #13, but you’ll never call me that. I am Somepony. I am Anypony. I am Whatserface. For 20 bits I am any pony you want me to be. Any pony but one. I can never be Pinkie Pie. I can’t be my sister. I can never be that.

Whatever form you tell yourself I am, I am a little pink filly with a little pink mane, and a blank flank.. Technically it’s illegal but they haven’t called me out yet. If I still had a “natural” form it would have more holes than Chrysalis’ cunt. But when I try to picture who am all I can ever see is a scared little pink filly who’s family is being killed by rainbows.

I was in the invasion. I was one of the 78. The “elements of Deception”, Chrysalis called us. We were told we were the elite. We were the hives answer to the Ponies’ Elements of Harmony. With our training and strength in numbers we couldn't lose. Too bad the lie was on us.

We were the truest of drones. Force grown and educated in pods, we were foal soldiers in every sense. I don’t know if even the bitch queen knew the ferocity the ponies would unleash against us. There were six of them. We had thirteen copies of each. They ripped through us like we were made of paper. My big sister, #7, she said to stay close and she’d keep me safe. When the Pink horror rained death on us, she shielded me. I survived by hiding underneath her body until the winds of magic and love swept us from the streets like garbage.

Most of us who hadn’t died in the actual fighting ended up just changeling shaped stains on the walls of canterlot, but my sister saved me again. My impact was broken by her body. There wasn’t anything left of her to mourn after that. Pinky Pie #7, the best big sister a changeling ever had was a stain on a wall to be cleaned by uncaring ponies. That was when I found out I was broken. I tried to take my true form and return to the hive, but I couldn’t. Every time I tried to remember who I was, all I could see was rainbows and death, and my sister smeared across a wall. And there I was a blank-flank little pink filly with a straight little mane.

So I couldn’t go home, Chrysalis had no use for broken drones. So I made my home among the ponies. It wasn’ that hard, really, getting ponies to feed you love when you could be anypony they wanted. Most of the time I didn’t drink very deep. This one time, though, there was this Pegasus who wanted me to be his co-workers foster sister. He had a picture, a cute little orange and purple little blank-flank pegasus. I drained him dry. After what he asked me to be for him… I didn’t even care if he survived.

That night I was glad Seven wasn’t there to see the monster I became. But it got better. I eventually figured out I could still turn into a changeling, it just wasn’t my “natural” form. It was a disguise like any other. There were seven of us, out of the original 78, that I know of who survived. A Lot of the survivors had gone to Fillydelphia, following Chrysalis’ escaped brood queen. But none of the elements, we all stayed in Canterlot. Dash #8 and Rarity #5 joined the new hive. They said I could too, all I had to do was stop stealing love. I took a pass, but they still helped me falsify some paperwork to get me a job at the hospital maintaining the changeling healing pods the hive had donated. All I had to do was disguise myself as a changeling without holes. Easy enough, I can be pretty much anypony I want… except myself, or Pinkie Pie. So I picked a random name out of a book on Zebra culture and got a day job.

I think Eight and Five thought maybe they could get me to stop… well you know. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know why I don’t. I make plenty of bits. And I could always go to the new hive. It’s fairly easy to stay fed in Canterlot by all accounts, now changeling here really has to turn tricks and steal love from johns just to stay fed. So why don’t I? It’s possible the new changeling “princess” could even help me with my disorder. But I feel like I need to be that little pink filly, to remind myself of Pinkie Pie #7, because I’m the last Pinkie Pie now. All the others are dead, and I can’t even be Pinkie Pie, that one thing that I was literally hatched to do.

-=-=-=-=-

“Nurse Zillia,” Doctor Well Heart, a blue unicorn with a white mane and tail and a heart and stethoscope cutie mark, smiled as the changeling nurse walked into the hallway, “How’s our patient?”

“No changes,” the changeling shook her head saddly.

“I would be surprised if there were,” the doctor nodded, and smiled again at the changeling, “You know, it’s a good thing you do, taking up so much of your personal time talking to him like that.”

“If I were in a strange place with no family or friends, I’d want someone to care about me, that’s all,” the nurse returned the doctor's smile with one of her own, “But I really must get going. Have a nice evening Doctor.”

Sometime later, in a nearby alley, Nurse Zillia disappeared in a flash of changeling magic, replaced by a little pink filly with a little straight pink mane who herself disappeared into the shadows of the city.

Awkward Conversations: It's a Factory, In Fillydelphia

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“More tea, your majesty?” A young dragon approached the table carrying the castle's finest serving tray.

“Yes, please,” Fast Change giggled a little, “And really, Spike, you can just call me Fast. We’re all friends here. And these scones are amazing by the way.”

“Thanks,” the drake beamed with pride, “They’re Gilda’s recipe. Pinkie brought it back for me all the way from Griffonstone.”

The Dragon refilled the changeling Princess’ tea and left a new plate of scones before going quietly about his duties.

“You were right, Twilight,” Celestia smiled benevolently at her gathered peers, “We really should all meet like this more often.”

“Truly,” Luna’s tone had a slightly imperious edge, though anypony who knew her would instantly know she was being as relaxed as the moody, lunar alicorn was capable of, “This little, ‘meetup’ you called it? Yes this ‘meetup’ has been a welcome distraction from the recent… drama in Canterlot.”

Princess Fast raised an eyebrow, but remained silent. She wasn’t completely in the dark on events concerning her former husband, though she made a habit of quietly keeping a respectful distance to allow everypony to move on with their new lives.

“At any rate,” Twilight smiled and moved the conversation along, relieving tension before it could build, “It’s nice to get all of us in one room when there’s NOT a disaster on the horizon.”

“Are you really sure about that?” Everypony but the Sun Princess shifted at the unexpected interruption, “Because this IS ponyville. If you don’t see a disaster encroaching, you're probably not looking closely enough. Or maybe too closely.”

“Discord!” Luna sneered with contempt, “Nopony invited you to this ‘meetup’!”

“Ohhh,” the draconequus squeed, “Look at princess moon-butt using her modern equish words! Is that what the colts and fillies are saying now? ‘Meetup’?”

“Hello Discord,” Twilight smiled, but gave an internal sigh. It wasn’t that Discord wasn’t her friend, he was just a friend who could be just a teensy, tad bit… insufferable. Pretty much all the time.

“Hello yourself,” Discord let out a good natured chuckle, “I hope I’m not interrupting any royal business.”

“I highly doubt that,” Luna snarled.

“Not at all,” Celestia smiled broadly, “We were just having a pleasant meeting between friends and peers. Would you care to join us?”

Luna glared daggers at her sister, but the Master of Disharmony only smiled broader, “I would simply LOVE to,” he winked lavasciously, eliciting a quick giggle from Princess Fast.

“I have the most interesting piece of news,” Discord seated himself in mid air, upside down above the table, not bothering with a chair at all, “Well two pieces of news really. I just got back from Fillydelphia, and the Independent Changeling Collective is sending an official envoy to Canterlot!”

“There’s a changeling hive in Fillydelphia?” Twilight perked up with interest.

“They’re a refugee hive,” Fast supplied helpfully, “Like my hive in canterlot. They’ve been there ever since the invasion. They’re a bit less open than we are. They’re mostly survivors from the invasion.”

“Their hive is in a factory,” Discord pointed out innocently enough.

“A factory?” Luna asked with some interest, “In Fillydelphia?”

Celestia rolled her eyes, seeing what was coming, but Fast giggled and took the bait, “Yes, a factory in Filly.”

“A Filly factory, you might say,” Discord smiled and nodded his head.

Celestia couldn’t suppress a small chuckle at her sister and her former student’s expense.

“I do not understand this mirth,” Luna cocked her head to the side, “A factory in Fillydelphia seems as logical a place as any to establish a changeling hive.”

“Their queen regent, Madame Butterfly certainly seems to think so,” Discord agreed.

“If she is a queen why would she assume the lesser title of Madame?” Luna asked innocently, causing Fast Change to blush slightly, while Discord snickered almost uncontrollably.

“Well,” Twilight said thoughtfully, “Perhaps she just doesn’t wish to place herself above her subjects. I for one find it quite admirable. Are they friendly changelings?”

“Oh, yes,” Celestia smiled mischievously, getting in on the fun, “I hear they are very friendly, indeed.”

“And very professional, too,” Fast added with a straight face while Discord fought a losing battle to keep his composure.

“Well then,” Luna announced regally, “I say we welcome these changelings of the Fillydelphia Factory!”

“You mean that strip club, the Filly Factory?” Spike made his way around the table refilling everypony's tea.

Twilight took only a moment to process this information as Discord counted down to zero and tea was sprayed across the table, “SPIKE! How do you know know anything about strip clubs?!?!”

“Rarity makes their costumes,” Spike shrugged, and Twilight calmed down considerably, making a mental note to stop putting off that talk she’d been meaning to have with her fashionable friend.

“What are these clubs of strips you speak of? I don’t understand this jest,” Luna demanded.

“I’ll explain when we get back to the palace,” Celestia laughed good-naturedly, but gave Discord a meaningful look, “I fear we might break poor Twilight if we continue down this path.”

“Well, anyway, if you ladies don’t need anything else, I’m supposed to help Rarity this afternoon,” Spike set the tea tray on the table deftly and moved to take his leave.

“Of course Spike,” Twilight agreed quickly, glad to have a change in topics, “Now, Discord, you said you had other news? News that’s NOT about stripper changelings?”

“Well,” Discord rotated slowly along three axes in mid-air above the table, “I found Pinkie Pie’s missing human.”

Twilight’s face took a grim set, “That’s not funny Discord. He’s not missing. He left the hospital here in Ponyville and walked in front of a train. He’s comatose in a changeling pod in Canterlot, and don’t you DARE tell Pinkie.”

“Yes, yes, I know, but it was the darndest thing. He just up and fell out of a leaky coma dream in Fillydelphia, with a stray changeling no less. What leaks out of dreams sometimes would Surprise you, trust me.”

Celestia gave Luna a meaningful look as Discord popped out of existence.

Wedding Preparations (Ki/Diane): Feeling Drained

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"That’s not a wedding dress, Diane,” Ki couldn’t completely suppress a small laugh, “That’s a sexy nurse costume.”

“It white, it’s pretty, and it’s my wedding dress!” The pink changeling stomped a hoof at her eldritch abomination of a colt-friend, “Besides, back home they wouldn’t even let me try on the costumes. Nopony said they were only for the dancers and I couldn’t be a dancer because…”

“Because Nopony was a psychotic, abusive jerk,” the tazzlpony reached out and gave the changeling a quick squeeze with one of his tentacles, cutting off what he knew was headed towards a full on bawling session, “And he’s trapped in a hospital somewhere in a coma dream that he’s never going to wake up from. And you and I have to pack for this trip. So okay, sexy nurse wedding dress. Why not? Have you given any thought to what I talked to you about names?”

“My name is Pinkie Pie #7,” the mare said coolly, pulling away from the tentacle, leaving Middler looking dejected, “We don’t have anything to talk about if you’re going to tell me I can’t be Pinky Pie.”

“Diane,” Ki sighed as his outer mouth-tentacles, Righty and Lefty, carefully folded and packed Diane’s ‘wedding dress’, “I’m not saying you can’t be Pinky Pie. I’m just saying we need a way ponies can tell they’re talking about you, and not this world’s Pinkie Pies.”

“How many Pinkie Pies do you think this world has?” Diane took some interest at the thought of multiple versions of herself, and the potential party that could come of bringing them all together.

“We’ll, counting you, at least two, probably three,” Ki rubbed his chin thoughtfully with one hoof, absently shifting his lower jaws with restless energy, “There’s you, there’s the Ponyville Pinkie Pie that I used to be roommates with. And there’s every chance that there’s another changeling Pinkie Pie. We know there’s another me. So it stands to reason there’s probably another you.”

“Oh, that’s right!” The changeling bounced with unrestrained glee, “Do you think it’s an evil me? Cause we know the other you is evil! Comatose, but definitely evil!”

“I’m pretty sure the Equestria we came from is the evil universe,” Ki arced a critical eyebrow.

“That’s a relief,” Diane giggled merrily, “I don’t want to meet a meaner, more evil version of me. She’d probably torture us to death and bake us into cupcakes and feed us to other ponies as a joke.”

“I… am not going near anywhere near that statement,” Ki just shook his head in bewilderment, “But names, I was thinking I could be Dayglow Pastel, and You could be Pink Pastel. That way you’re name is still pretty much ‘Pinkie Pie’, what do you think?”

“I don’t hate it,” Diane said with only a little bit of sulk in her voice, “I meen, we ARE pastel-colored, but how is that the same as ‘Pie’?”

“Because I google translated ‘pie’ to spanish… that’s a language in my world… and ‘pastel’ in spanish translates to ‘cake’ or ‘pie’. Basically it covers all baked confectionaries.”

“For real,” the changeling was both hopeful and skeptical and flashed a smile that was as much a warning as an expression of happiness, “You know what I’ll do if you trick me into not being Pinkie Pie anymore, right?”

The tazzlpony pulled the changeling into an embrace with his center tentacle while the two outer extremities nuzzled her cheeks, “I’m not going to trick you, Diane.”

“I know,” the changeling drank deeply, leaving her partner drained to the point of staggering, “Oh no, I forgot you skipped breakfast! Are you alright, Charlie?”

“I’m… fine,” the cyan stallion lied as he staggered into a wall.

“Oh no!” Panic struck Pinkie Pie #7 with the force of a train, “I took too much! I took too much! Somepony help! How do I put it back?!”

As if in answer, the outer tentacles weakly snaked across the floor and up the mare’s forelegs, fastening gently on either side of her neck. She felt a strange draining sensation, but only for a moment. For a second strange glowing patterns flashed across the stallions fur in a seemingly random array of colors before the energy was quickly absorbed and Ki began to come back to his senses.

“Are you alright? I am SO sorry! I didn’t mean to,” Diane was in tears, hanging against the recovering stallion, “Please don’t leave! It won't happen again!”

“Sheeze, Diane,” Kis shook his head to try and clear his thought, “If the torture, and the sleeping with my head in your mouth weren’t deal-breakers, then I don’t think you have too much to worry about. And hey, now we know what Discord meant by recharging.”

“Does this mean I get to feed the puppies from now on?” Diane asked hopefully.

Wedding Preparations (Ki): Analysis

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“Hello, head shrinker,” Day Glow relaxed in the spacious office, sitting human-style on the offered couch.

“Well,” the smallish, red, female dragon adjusted her spectacles and smiled from behind her desk, “It’s nice to see a pony who doesn’t immediately balk at the thought of a dragon psychotherapist.”

“Meh,” the odd-looking cyan stallion shrugged, “Shrink is a shrink. Boss lady said you wanted to talk to me and Diane.”

“Yes, I’m Dr. Gem Fire. This is just a routine screening. It’s nothing to be concerned about, you’re not in any trouble,” the dragon tried to reign in on her smile, knowing how ponies could react when she showed her teeth. Thus she was quite surprised (and a little annoyed) to see the pony across from her fighting an unsuccessful battle to control his amusement, “Is there something you find funny, Mister Pastel?”

“It’s just adorable that you’re trying to hide your ‘scary’ dragon-smile,” the ponies face split into a large grin, and then split again, drawing a gasp from the therapist. Finally Lefty, Righty, and Middler emerged from the abyss within and each flashed their own shark-toothed grin, drawing yet another gasp from the normally professional therapist, “Wait till you see my fiance. She’s got a smile that could stop a train.”

“What… kind of pony are you exactly?” The dragon couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing, and took notes furiously.

“Well,” Dayglow laughed, “Discord said it was called a ‘tazzlpony’ but he was clearly just making that up on the spot. I’m a former human victim of chaotic shape-shifting magic. Last week I was a human, in a coma, in a changeling pod, in Canterlot undergoing extreme dream-therapy. I got better. Now my body in Canterlot is under the control of an evil alter-ego who’s stuck in a coma that everyone who knows hopes is permanent.”

“You don’t say,” the dragon made several notes including the words “delusional”.

“Actually I do say,” the patient rolled his eyes in clear contempt, “I mean honestly, I’m a eldritch horror of a nightmare pony. Is it that hard to believe that I’m from a nightmare subliminal demi-plane?”

“Fair enough,” Gem Fire nodded, and crossed out her previous notes, “You seem fairly lucid. I want to ask you a few questions. Some of these may seem silly, but please answer honestly. Who are the rulers of Equestria?”

“The two princesses in Canterlot, Celestia and Luna,” Day Glow rolled his eyes as Middler hovered over the desk, trying to read Gem Fire’s notes, much to the dragons annoyance.

“Very good,” the dragon-lady continued, “Tell me what you think of this statement, ‘Equestria is a ball in a great void that orbits the sun, pulled along it’s path by a mysterious force known as ‘gravity’.”

The pony pony fought it. He fought it hard. But it only took moments before he was off the couch rolling on the floor laughing as his tentacles slapped the floor with mirth.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped in between fits of giggles, “I just can’t believe you actually asked that. So the heliocentric solar system is a conspiracy theory on this world. Oh, man, that’s good. That’s REALLY good. I think I just found my new alternate wednesday religion. Since ponies don’t seem to get ‘Satanism’.”

“Mister Pastel,” the dragon grew stern, “Could you please take this seriously.”

“Okay, my bad,” the tazzlpony regained his composure and his seat on the couch, “Next question, please.”

“Consider the following statement,” the dragon read from a sheet of prepared questions, “Humans secretly infiltrate equestrian society disguised as ponies. Do you agree, or disagree with this statement.”

“I find the idea of humans turning into ponies to be patently absurd,” Ki fought hard to keep a straight face as Middler nodded solemnly in agreement.

“If you’re not going to take this seriously, Mr. Pastel,” the dragoness huffed, “Then I don’t see any reason to continue.”

“Serious?” Ki’s face melted from amusement to a scowl, “Did you hear that last question? Look, maybe human conspiracies are really big with crazy-ponies, but do I have to spell it out for you? I. Am. A. Human. I lived with Pinkie Pie, yes the Pinky Pie, element of laughter and all, for a full month as a full human. It’s a matter of public record. Humans aren’t even all that rare. I wasn’t even the only human in Ponyville, hell, the Princess of freakin’ friendzones has a human living in her castle! How am I supposed to take that question seriously?”

“Look at this from my perspective,” Gem Fire frowned, “I’m speaking to an uncooperative patient making improbable claims that can’t be proven or disproven…”

“You could ask Madame Butterfly, she actually saw me get transformed,” Ki said flatly, “I get it, you don’t believe in humans. I don’t care. I’m out. Just for all that, I’m not going to say ‘play nice, dear’ to Diane on my way out. Those three words were going to make a big difference on how the rest of your day goes, trust me.”

Super Fun Bonus Chapter (me): Because I haven't done this yet,

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. It happened SOMEWHERE!

Wedding Preparations (Diane): A Suitable Case For Treatment

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"Hello Miss Pastel," Gem Fire gave her friendliest closed-mouth smile to the pink changeling who sat nervously on the couch across from her, "I want you to know that you're not in trouble, and you don't have to hide anything from me. I'm just here to make sure changelings who want to live with ponies don't end up with bad ponies."

"Oh," Diane smiled brightly, and noted happily that the dragoness only fliched a little, "Then everything’s okay! You already talked to Charlie, so you know he's a good pony! Also, I'm not Miss Pastel yet, not until we're married."

"Well," the dragoness smiled back, "I still need to talk to both of you. You can take your natural form if you'd like. What's your maiden name, if don't mind my asking?"

"Pinky Pie #7," the changeling shuffled uncomfortably, "and this is my natural form. It's the only form I have."

"I... see," Gem Fire scribbled something in her notes, "There's nothing wrong with role playing, in it's time and place, but I need to talk to the 'real' you, right now. Not a made up celebrity name. It's okay to be the real you. Does Dayglow make you pretend to be Pinkie Pie?"

"I'm not pretending," the pink changelings smile twitched dangerously, "My name is Pinkie Pie #7."

"Well," the dragoness said in soothing tones, "There's nothing wrong with wanting to be somepony else..."

"I don't want to be somepony else," her voice began taking an edge the changelings from the hive in her world would have recognized as a dire warning, "I'm happy being me. I am Pinkie Pie. Don't tell me I can't be Pinkie Pie!"

"I'm not saying you can't 'be' Pinkie Pie," Gem Fire looked thoughtful and spoke in kind, if somewhat condescending tones, "What if I said I was a griffon? I'm clearly a dragon. Now, I could probably pay a unicorn to shape-shift me into a griffon, but I would still be a dragon."

"Oh," there was no Diane, Pinkie Pie #7's voice echoed noiselessly, "You're not saying I can't be Pinkie Pie. You're saying that I'm not Pinkie Pie. I understand the difference now."

“I don’t mean to upset you,” Gemfire tried to reassure the changeling, “But sometimes ponies will take advantage of changelings. I notice you keep calling Mr. Pastel ‘Charlie’. Is that a human name?”

“Charlie is a human,” Pinkie Pie #7 hissed in what sounded like a normal conversational tone, “He didn’t let other ponies call him Charlie. They called him Ki. Only I get to call him Charlie. You have to call him by his pony name.”

“I see,” the dragoness made a quick note, then gave a worried smile, “You wouldn’t know this, but I’m a fan of human stories. A while back, I went to something called Biped Con, and this author there said he had a real human. I was completely amazed when I saw him the first day. Everypony thought they had seen something we only hear about in fantasy stories. But by the second day the spell had started to wear off, and only the pony’s top half was human. In the end a group of concerned ponies took him to the authorities and he was transformed back into a pony before any permanent damage could occur. You see, it was a hoax. There’s no such thing as humans.”

“Is that what you believe?” Pinky Pie #7 cocked her head sideways.

“What I believe is that Dayglow Pastel has filled your head with his own fantasies,” the Dragoness frowned, “I’ve seen this happen before. A pony will use a drone to play out their own dirty little fetish dreams until they get bored of it, then they move on, leaving a confused and broken hearted little changeling to pick up the pieces. I’m afraid I can’t approve this marriage license, and I would strongly advise that you look into additional therapy. It’s not healthy to think you’re somepony you’re not all the time.”

“You’re saying I can’t marry Charlie?” Pinkie Pie #7’s jaw began to twitch, causing the shark-like teeth the clack together loudly, “Charlie didn’t say this was a matter of life and death.”

“It’s alright dear,” the psychologist smiled kindly, “You're not in trouble. This Dayglow pony might be, though. It’s certainly not the end of your life. It’s a chance for you to find yourself and start your own life again. A happy life where you don’t have to pretend to be Pinkie Pie just to get a selfish pony to feed you.”

“Who said anything about my life,” the twitching stopped with a sharp snapping sound, and Pinkie Pie #7 stared silently at the dragoness with eyes that reflected the laughing abyss.

-=-=-=-=-

“Mandatory marriage counselling sucks,” Dayglow sat grumpily in the lobby, absently flipping through various pony magazines he had no interest in.

“It is required to get a marriage license in Fillydelphia,” Madame Butterfly reminded the former human, “And Dr. Gem Fire has extensive experience working with our hive. We’ve had a real problem with stallions from Canterlot wanting to take drones home with... less than pure intentions. The floor show at the factory is one thing, there’s supervision in place and if a pony tries to take things too far, they get to spend the night in a feeding pod. They have a similar screening process in Canterlot I’m told. Ponies sometimes think they can get around it by coming up here.”

“That makes sense,” Dayglow nodded, “But did you have to pick a head-shrink who doesn’t believe in humans?”

“Oh?” The queen looked thoughtful, “I suppose I should have told her more about your origins going in, but I’ll just explain when she finishes with Seven.”

“I just hope she doesn’t make the mistake of telling Diane she’s not…”

He was interrupted by a series of loud crashes before a terrified dragoness rushed through the door slamming it behind her and holding it closed with strength born of desperation.

“You told her she couldn’t be Pinkie Pie didn’t you?” Dayglow rolled his eyes in annoyance, “I’ll go in there and calm her down, but first I need you to sign this wedding license. Good, good, and initial at the bottom, excellent, now in the notes write ‘I do believe in humans, mommy’.”

The doctor looked incredulous, drawing out Dayglow's amused response, “Or you can hope the door holds and wait till she calms down on her own. I wouldn’t worry too much, from the sounds of it, I don’t think she can keep up this level of destructive energy for more than a couple of hours.”

Gem Fire quickly wrote the magic words in shaky, panicked script.

“Okay,” the tazzlpony took a deep breath, “Give me ten minutes before you open the door again. Don’t worry if she has my head in her mouth, she’s not trying to eat me, it’s how she shows affection.

Choice Your Own Adventures (The Super-Fun-Meta-Chapter)

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Okay this seems like fun. I'm looking at probably a slow day at work tomorrow and working from home Friday, and I wanna keep this update ball rolling. So I'ma let you guys pick the next chapter. The first suggestion or the one that gets most votes wins. Whichever I like better.

1 - Wedding Preparations (Diane): Turn to Page 62

Dayglow and Madame Butterfly (at least try to) convince Diane that a sexy-nurse stripper costume isn't really a wedding dress. Dress shopping time?

2 - Wedding Preparations (Dayglow): Turn to Page 23

Diane and Madame Butterfly (at least try to) Convince Dayglow that just because he's a pony now he can't runn around with no pants at his own wedding. Tuxedo shopping time?

3 - Story Time (Dayglow/Diane): Turn to page 84

Dayglow tells Diane a bedtime story about one of his former lives. Happy sweetness and character bonding time?

4 - Awkward Conversations: Turn to page 14

Diane asks Dayglow an uncomfortable question about this worlds pony Pinkie Pie.

Special Option: Character Sheets

Anybody interested? Character sheets might be fun. I'm making up all stats and attributes on the spot for each sheet and there are no rules, but I'm thinking about doing character sheets. So if anybodies interested just say so.

Story Time (Dayglow/Diane): Back Where You Began

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“Come on, Diane,” Dayglow complained, “Quit squirming, we got a train to catch in the morning and I needs me my eight hours.”

“I can’t help it,” the changeling groaned in protest as she carefully chewed on her mate’s mohawked mane, “I’m too excited to sleep! Tell me the story about that time you saved me from that evil dragon who wanted to make me stop being Pinkie Pie.”

“That was yesterday Diane,” the tazzlpony rolled his eyes.

“So… too soon?” Pinkie Pie #7 couldn’t keep the disappointment.

“Yeah,” Dayglow laughed, “also, Dr. Gem Fire wasn’t evil. She was just misinformed.”

“I don’t care,” the changeling snaked around the pile of pillows and blankets to position herself to chew on Dayglow’s rear hoof, “She tried to make me stop being Pinkie Pie and said we couldn’t get married. I’m still mad at you for not letting me finish playing with her.”

“Is that why you keep kicking me in the face?”

“Oh, sorry,” the pink horror readjusted, “Is that better?”

“Yeah,” the stallions tazzle snakes emerge and coiled around the mare’s barrel, “How about I tell you the story of the dream I came in from?”

“The dream-that-wasn’t-your-dream?” Pinkie paused her chewing and perked up with interest.

“That’s the one.”

-=-=-=-=-

I think it was more of a dream within a dream. I’m finding it easier to understand the mechanics of it since we escaped from Nopony’s nightmare. Either way, from my end it was as real as anything since the Text snatched me up from the hospital. Most of the time, when I think about it at all, I think about how it ended. But how it started was just as important. It started with the first time I met Pinkie Pie.

I landed in a alley in Ponyville, just like I always did. I was nearly naked, wearing nothing but a dirty hospital gown with nothing but my belongings from the hospital in the human world. I was tired, and I was frightened, and I was alone, but I wasn't completely broken yet, that would come later. I knew I had to hide. Every nightmare worked that way. I had to hide. Celestia loved everypony under the sun. She would do anything to protect her little ponies. I wasn’t one of her little ponies. I was a dangerous, crazy human who had to be stopped because he might hurt Celestia's little ponies. I was eating out of a dumpster behind a bakery. I had already learned from the previous nightmares that if I tried to scavenge out of the dumpster behind the candy shop Bon Bon would call the guards. If I tried to sneak apples from the orchard then either Applejack would beat the hell out of me, and then call the guards, or I might run into the Cutie Mark Crusaders. If I ever ran into the Cutie Mark Crusaders I was better off dead. So I tried scavenging behind the bakery that time.

And that’s where I was when Pinkie Pie found me. I stayed with her for a while after that, hiding out in the Pinkie Cave, which was sort of like a closet in the basement of the bakery, but bigger on the inside. She helped me to hide from the Solar Inquisition. In fact, she’s probably the only reason I made it out of Ponyville.

There was a close call when the cakes caught us sneaking out one night. Pinkie talked them out of calling the guards, but I had to go. Luckily Pinkie knew a friend of the Alicorn Prince (because there was one of those there, I’m pretty sure it was his dream) who owned a shipping company and was human-friendly and owned a warehouse far enough outside Ponyville to escape the notice of the Inquisition.

If there was any pattern to the Inquisition I’d noticed it was that the quickest way to get their attention was to interfere with the elements of harmony. And by interfere, I mean interact with. Celestia seemed to loathe the idea of humans having any interaction with those specific ponies. Especially Twilight Sparkle. Humans who were deemed a risk to harmony were, at best, turned into ponies and usually gender swapped. It wasn’t pleasant.

-=-=-=-=-

Dayglow was interrupted by a loud snore and looked down to see a happily sleeping pink changeling with his left hind leg in her mouth up to the flank, “Goodnight Diane.”

The Cutie Market (Diane/Dayglow): Her last Secret

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“This is SO fun!” The pink changeling bouncing around the train car with largely unaware of the nervousness she was instilling in the ponies around her. It wouldn’t have especially bothered her if she had noticed. Charlie had told her three times that as long as she was playing nice it was the other ponies problem, not hers.

“Sir,” an attendant approached Dayglow nervously, and the Tazzlpony let out an annoyed sigh in anticipation, “Your marefriend is disturbing the other ponies sir. Could you please ask her to stop?”

“Stop what?” Dayglow gave his own tightlipped smile, not separating his lower jaws entirely, but allowing enough of a shift to make the attendant swallow hard, “Should I ask her to stop being friendly? Because I will if that’s really what you want, but somehow I don’t think it is. Or maybe I should ask her to stop being so happy that she’s riding a train for the first time? Because I just won’t do that. That’s just plain mean.”

“If you could ask her to please, just stop… smiling?” The attendant shuffled awkwardly hearing the words actually spoken.

“Really?” Dayglow’s annoyance was palpable, and he raised his voice, “So I’m told that you seemingly nice ponies think that my lovely fiance shouldn’t be allowed to smile because she’s really super happy that she get’s to ride on a train for the first time ever? Is that true? Because you all seemed like really nice ponies.”

Various ponies shuffled with varying levels of shame, until one aggrieved soul finally spoke up, “It’s just… her teeth…”

“Charlie?” Diane froze mid bounce, realizing she was the topic of conversation, “Is everything okay? I promise, I’m playing super-nice!”

“You are, Diane,” Dayglow closed his eyes for a moment, “You’re not doing anything scary at all. You’re just being excited and friendly and nice, and for whatever reason, that’s not enough for these little ponies.”

“What the hay!” An angry pony declared, “Don’t try and turn this around on us! You two are the monsters!”

“We are NOT monsters!” The pink changeling snarled in a way that didn’t at all help her case, “I’m a changeling, and Dayglow is a tazzlpony!”

“Well, why don’t you change into something that’s not so ugly?” The pony answered smugly.

“I...can’t change… it’s not my fault!” Diane instantly fell into a panic and started to sniffle.

Dayglow fought an urge to strangle the cruel pony, instead moving to comfort his special somepony, “Come on Diane, maybe one of cars further back is less filled with stupidity.”

“I have a sleeper car, you're welcome to use, if you want some privacy from backwards thinking ponies,” a familiar unicorn mare spoke up, her fur a subdued pinkish hue, and her conservatively styled mane and tail striped blue and purple, “In fact, I think I may be able to solve your marefriend’s changing problem.”

“Diane is fine the way she is,” Dayglow moved between his mate and the new-comer, then considered the offer, “Although a little privacy would nice about now, thank you, my name is Dayglow Pastel, this is my fiance, Pinkie Pie #7.”

“Starlight Glimmer,” the mare smiled warmly, “It’s pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Come on Diane,” Dayglow glared around the rail car, before leading his fiance away from the cruel ponies.

-=-=-=-=-

“So,” Dayglow louged nonchalantly in Starlight’s sleeper car, “Is it safe to assume this has something to do with cutie marks?”

“Whatever you’ve heard, I’m not a bad pony,” Starlight blushed fiercely.

“It’s alright,” Dayglow made dismissive gesture as Diane happily watched Equestria go by through the window, “I’m former human, we all come with crazy spoilers. No judgements, just let me hear what you’ve got to say.”

“Well, the short version is, yes,” the mare nodded gravely, “You’re friend’s cutie mark is the cause of her problems. Changelings don’t have real cutie marks, at least they’re not supposed to. A mark the defines one’s entire destiny goes against everything in a changeling's nature. Her cutie mark is locking her in that shape. I’m sure of it.”

Dayglow considered the three jack-o-lantern balloons that adorned his mate’s flank. He had always assumed they were part of the transformation-gone-wrong that seemed to have led to her condition. It had never occurred to him that it could be a deeper part of the problem.

“Diane,” he used his gentlest voice, “Do you want to be able to change again?”

“I have to be Pinkie Pie!” The brick wall flew up instantly, but Dayglow noted a nuance to his fiance’s defensiveness.

“Do you want to be Pinkie Pie,” he asked cautiously, “Or do you just have to be Pinkie Pie?”

“I.., have to,” the pink changeling sniffled, “I have to because reasons.”

“You know I love you, right? You, not Pinky Pie. Even if you didn’t want to be Pinkie Pie, I’d still love you,” Dayglow reassured.

“You want to know my last secret don’t you?” The pink changeling curled up miserably, “I guess you deserve to know. Tell the unicorn it’s okay. I’ll show you… Just tell her she has to put it back after that. I HAVE to be Pinkie Pie. This mark isn’t mine to give away.”

“Of course I’ll return your cutie mark if you really want it back. I only want you to be happy dear.”

“Seriously,” Dayglow arched an eyebrow, “I’m putting a lot of faith in you, Starlight Glimmer. If you hurt Diane…”

“I don’t want to hurt anypony,” Starlight’s features were pained, “I want to help ponies. I promise, if she really wants it back, after, than I won’t fight you over it.”

At a nod from Dayglow, the unicorn began the spell. It became obvious early on that something was indeed off here, as the mark tried to wiggle free of Starlight’s magical grip of it’s own accord, before finally pulling free with an audible “pop”.

The changeling gasped as she was caught in a momentarily painful wash of pink flames, washing away the pink monster, and leaving the black, spiny, and genderless natural form of a soldier changeling.

“Z?” Dayglow took a shocked step back, “Z, is that really you?”

“Don’t look at me, Ki,” the changeling shied away, “I’ve lied to you this whole time. I tortured you to learn secrets you had already told me. I had to know it was really you. Because I thought he WAS you. Right up until he threw you in that closet with me, I thought he was really you.”

“I chased your ghost across the nightmare, Z,” Dayglow started to break down, grief, anger, and relief pouring over his soul in equal measure, “I thought you were dead!”

“When the world melted, when you melted away into nothing, I was left alone, in the dark,” Z cried softly as she spoke, “Then there were words, and somehow I knew what they said.”

The miserable changeling refused to meet anypony’s eyes, “The words opened a path that led through hell, and I had to become a monster to walk it.”

The Cutie Market (Z-978): The Curse of the Unspeakable Pinkie Pie

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When the words asked where I wanted to go, they really asked what I wanted, all I could think to say was, “Give him back!”

When the words asked what I wanted to take, they really asked what I was willing to pay, and I answered, “I don’t care, just give him back.”

And I was back at the invasion. And I looked at myself. And I looked back at me. And that was all the time it took and I watched as I was torn in half by arcane magic. And I saw my sister, number #13. And I ran. And I was too late. And I held my sister in my hooves. And I looked at the terror that had unleashed this hell, and she looked back. It wasn’t the Pinkie Pie of my world. It certainly wasn’t the Pinkie Pie of this world. It was a Pinkie Pie that could only exist in that corrupted nightmare. It was the true unspeakable.

When she looked me in my eyes I could see the torments of the laughing abyss reflected in her gaze. She looked me in the eyes and she laughed as she wielded her unicorn death machine, and I waited for death to come, instead she had something much worse in mind for me.

“I thought you said you didn’t care what the price was?” She whispered impossibly from across the battlefield, “Live with it.”

And I lay there in the street in my sisters pooling blood. I laid there and I thought about Pinkie Pie #13 of my world, also forever lost beneath a molten silver sky. After Silver Lining had liberated the hive she had taken the name Cupcake, and become a professional Pinkie Pie impersonator. And I had escaped the destruction of our entire world only to immediately become the reason she was suddenly dead again. So I just laid there and waited for the blast that would sweep me from the street like garbage and put an end to it. And he wave of pure love, when it came was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, but the sweet release it promised me from my guilt was a lie.

I lay there wide-eyed and untouched in the hurricane of changeling bodies. The curse of the Unspeakable Pinkie Pie hanging over my soul like an executioner's blade. I would live with my guilt, and I would be marked by it. The energy triggered a change in me. First it was only the appearance of my cutie mark. I understood it’s meaning intimately. The change came only seconds later, and I was the way you found me in the nightmare Filly Factory. It was my destiny to embody the monster who killed my sister, because it was my selfish wish that had caused her death.

-=-=-=-=-

“That’s terrible,” Starlight Glimmer’s concern was genuine and heartfelt, “But it’s over now, dear. I can lock this away and…”

“NO!” Z’s eyes went wide with panic, “You don’t understand!”

“I understand that this unnatural mark has caused you nothing but pain,” the unicorn cocked her head in confusion, “And while parts of your story are quite outside of my understand, it seems like returning it to you would be a cruelty rather than a kindness.”

“You don’t know the price of changing destiny,” Z pleaded desperately.

“You’re a good pony Starlight,” Dayglow moved between the unicorn and the changeling, “As painful and unfair as destiny may be, we’ve seen the price of breaking it. It’s easy to say you’ll pay any price. And when you look at a dead world, and see the cost for yourself, you’ll understand.”

“You know what I’m planning don’t you,” the unicorn glared accusingly at the tazlpony.

“I’m not going to try to stop you,” Dayglow nodded his head, “You’ve done me a great service today, Starlight. You’ve brought back somepony I thought I’d lost forever. Now, please, honor your promise and return what you’ve taken. Leave us to walk our paths as we leave you to walk yours.”

Starlight nodded solemnly and Z swallowed hard turning to her transformed lover, “When she puts that mark back on, I won’t be Z-978 anymore, I’ll be… her…”

“You’ll be the mare who put me back together when I was most broken,” Dayglow smiled, “You’ll be the mare who traveled across a nightmare to find me.”

“If you’re both sure this is what you want?” At the couple's collective nod, the cursed mark was released and Z was once again lost to the unspeakable pink madness, but Dayglow swore he would never again leave her to walk her path of damnation alone.

“We will be monsters together,” he whispered, “Wherever this shadowed path leads us.”

The train lurched with a horrible screeching of breaks, and at that moment everything went all to hell.

The Cutie Market (TheEnd): The Price of Fate

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The train lurched and twisted, jumping it’s rails and sliding along the soft ground on it’s side. Along the length ponies moaned in pain and confusion. At least in the main passenger cars it seemed that injuries were minor. Only one car lay aside from the others a private sleeper car.

“Come on, I can get you out!” Starlight rushed to clear the debris from the partially crushed tazzlpony, who lay quietly, holding a limp changeling drone in its one remaining tongue, the other two crushed and mangled within a pile of twisted metal.

“No,” Dayglow coughed a little blood, “We defied fate one too many times. It- it’s like I was telling you, there’s always a price to defy fate. In the end I made a foolish wish. I lied, I cheated, I did everything I could to sneak off that path, but the train was always coming.”

“You’re fiance,” the unicorn looked to the unmoving changeling, already knowing the answer.

“She’s at peace,” the stallion wheezed, “It’s okay. I asked for this. I had tried to throw myself in front of a train when the text found me. It’s why I was in the hospital. I bought some time. I fought my fate, I loved the unspeakable Pinkie Pie. She loved me. It was a good run.”

“Help is coming! I can hear them,” the unicorn sounded desperate.

“I’m out of time,” he laughed bitterly, “just remember, when you see the world dead at your hooves, remember us. Remember that it’s better to move on than to keep pushing fate until everything gets broken… if you can do that, then maybe I’m not the most useless human to ever fall into Equest…”

-=-=-=-=-

“So far there are only a few injuries, sir,” a unicorn guard reported to his superior, “Apparently the bugbear that attacked Ponyville took out a section of track, the conductor didn't have time to stop the train before it left the rails.”

“At least nopony was killed,” the commander shook his head, before being approached by a bloodied unicorn mare.

“My friends,” Starlight stammered, “They were in the sleeper car with me… they…”

The commander gave a sad sigh, “I spoke too soon.”

“I tried to help,” Starlight’s eyes glazed as she walked away.

“I’m sure you did everything you could ma’am,” the first guard tried to comfort the mare but she was lost in her own monologue.

“All I ever wanted to do was help ponies,” Starlight walked off with a slight limp, “But all the so called ‘Princess of Friendship’ wanted to see was a monster to be stopped. I was just like them. All I wanted was friendship. All I wanted was to help ponies. And all she saw was a monster. Just like those ugly spiteful ponies on that train, she gets to walk away. It’s not fair… it wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to them. But I’ll fix it, I’ll make fate play fair…”

The End?

Holiday Special (April Fools): Tales of the OuterVerse

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Dayglow and Pink Pastel dropped into existence in the middle of a crowded sidewalk filled with ponies of every description imaginable.

“Wow,” Pink looked around in confusion, “That was an incredible adventure we had across the pony multiverse. Am I correct in assuming we’re never going to speak of this again?”

“Yes, Diane,” Dayglow nodded grimly, “None of anything that happened in between the train wreck and our arriving here will EVER be discussed again!”

“Even the part in World War Sombra when you and the tatzlwurm…” The monstrous pink changeling quickly found herself muzzled by an extended tazzlsnake.

“Especially that part,” Dayglow muttered.

“Hey,” somepony behind them complained, “No fair, teleporting to the front, some of us have camped out all night to get a decent view of the Parade.”

“Ooo,” Pink bounced with excitement, “There’s a parade?”

“Duh,” the pony, a green and blue earth pony, rolled his eyes, “It’s the annual Neon Baby Jeebus Parade. All the Princesses are going to be in it.”

“Wait,” Dayglow cocked his head to one side, “Did you say ‘Neon Baby Jeebus Parade’?”

“Yeah, it’s the celebration of the birth of Zombie Jeebus. Jeez, you aliens could really put at least a little effort in learning Equestrian culture,” the pony grumbled, when a voice began to cheerfully narrates over a series of overhead loudspeakers.

“Welcome everypony,” the voice proclaimed cheerfully, “I’m Flim 1278.”

“And I’m Flam 1278,” a second cheery voice cut in, “Welcome, everypony to the 1016th annual Neon Baby Jeebus Parade. The parade is sponsored this year by Farthing Industries. Remember, everypony, if it’s not made by Farthing Industries than it’s probably illegal.”

“And don’t forget,” Flim’s voice boomed over the crowd, “When you need clones, think Flim Flam Cloning, a series of faces you can trust.”

“Flim Flam cloning is a subsidiary of Farthing Industries,” Flam informed the audience, then continued, “Our parade opens with the Colt Cuddler Colt Choir Burlesque. Can you believe, brother, that there was actually a time when colt cuddlers were not even accepted in equestrian society?”

“Frightfully barbaric, brother,” Flim concurred as a group of singing stallions danced by wearing socks and glitter paint, “What pony would condemn such adorable stallions?”

“I know, brother,” Flam agreed, “And coming up behind them we have the League of Angry Filly Foolers, all the way from Fillydelphia.”

A group of coltish mares wearing lumberjack shirts marched by scowling at any stallions in the crowd.

“And, here come the Wonderbolt Crusaders,” Flim’s voice was tinged with excitement, “That means the Princesses are next, brother!”

“I know, brother,” Flam’s voice cracked with fangasming.

A platoon of ponies of varying breeds marched past with military precision. Each pony was dressed in a standard Wonderbolt uniform, each emblazoned with a prominent red and gold shield.

“Oh! There it is now, the Royal Friendship Float,” Flim practically squealed with excitement, “Carrying Reigning Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and the Princesses of Harmony!”

Sure enough, a large rainbow colored parade stage floated slowing down the street, carrying Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony, all alicorns, and all of stature rivalling Celestia herself.

“Oh, and there’s Princess Starlight Glimmer, Princess of Friendship, riding atop Prince Consort Spike the Dragon,” Flam pointed out with some interest.

“They are such an adorable couple,” Flim supplied, “And here come Princess Sweetie Belle, Princess Applebloom, and Princess Scootaloo, co-Princesses of Cutie Marks.”

“And Princess Scootaloo would like the audience to know that appearances to the contrary she is NOT in fact under-age,” Flam continued.

At this Princess Scootaloo wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, drawing wild cheers from the crowd and an eye-roll and a face-hoof from Sweetie Belle and Applebloom respectively.

“Seriously?” Dayglow whispered to Pink, “They’re ALL princesses?”

“Oh, lookit Charlie!” The pink changeling pointed furiously.

Oh, look at that brother,” Flim narrated cheerfully, “It’s Princess Big MacIntosh, Princess of Cross-Dressing!”

“Always a crowd pleaser,” Flam happily interjected.

Princess Big MacIntosh smiled and waved at the crowd drawing thunderous applause as he passed.

“Somehow not as surprised as I should be,” Dayglow shook his head and laughed quietly.

“And here comes Princess Silver Highlights, brother,” Flim’s happy voice droned on, “Princess of shipping with Princesses.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Dayglow face hoofed.

“Well, you gotta admit, he’s the best at it,” Dayglow didn’t bother asking where Pink had gotten the popcorn, “Or I guess it’s her again…”

“How many Princesses ARE there anyway?” Dayglow asked of nopony in particular.

“On this planet? Or all together?” A clearly biped ponie walked up beside him and commented helpfully.

“I like the future, Charlie!” Pink giggled happily as the parade marched on.

Funeral for a Friendship (Pinkie Pie #13): My Dirty Little World

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It was the most depressing funeral I’ve ever seen. I was the only one there. There were no kind words. How could there be? Nopony even knew the poor human. He’d been in a coma, trapped in a dream, since his arrival. I was surprised Princess Luna didn’t come to the service, but why would a pony princess bother to watch some grave-digger ponies toss her failed science project in a hole. I kept hearing everypony saying there was nothing they could do. But that was a lie. I know for a fact they’ve helped sick humans using transformation magic. But some humans are more important than others, I guess.

I don’t know why I took it so hard. It’s not like I even knew this human. Just because I sat with him and told him all my secrets while he floated in a pod doesn’t make him my friend. Pinkie Pie #13 doesn’t have friends. But he was the closest thing I ever had to a friend, besides my sister Seven. I wonder sometimes, all the times I sat and talked to him, how much, if anything, seeped into that dream the princess put him in. I asked once, but she was evasive. I honestly don’t think she ever even looked in on his dream. Why would she? It’s funny, I’ve heard at least one human bragging on the streets of Canterlot how he got away with foal napping with no more than a stern lecture about friendship. Another human is left to rot in a dream because he was too broken to get out of the way of a train.

And they all pretend to be such nice little ponies. Like they don’t know what they ask me to do for a few bits and a little love. And yet, if they could see my holes, they would call ME a monster. It’s not fair. None of it is. There is no justice in Equestria, just a never ending cycle of tolerance and forgiveness as we all pretend we’re something more than each other’s victims. The ponies pretend they can’t see it. The standard for “good pony” is so low they just trot right over the bar with nary a careful step. I wonder if he would have seen it? I wonder what it was like in that dream? Should I feel pity, or envy?

So the closest thing I ever had to a friend was a shaved monkey floating in a pool of goo. And now he’s dead. I don’t know how I should feel. Sad, obviously, but am I sad that he died, sad that I never really met him, or sad that the closest thing I ever had to a real friend was a shaved monkey floating in a pool of goo? Or maybe I should be thankful that he never had to see this dirty little world that always looks so painfully clean.

That sounds so horrible, because it is a horrible thought. The truth is, he’d never see past the bright happy colors. Most humans can’t. Which makes them better than ponies, who just chose to pretend not to. Or the changeling of the local hive, for that matter, who just fake it so the pretty little ponies will feed them.

“Why, yes sir, mister pony sir! I’ll be happy to mark myself for you so you know I’m not really a real pony who’s as special as you,” they make me sick.

Not one pony died during the invasion. Not even one. I would say we were dealt with like a plague of insects, except I’ve seen how ponies deal with parasprites. Do you know how ponies DON’T deal with parasprites? By shooting them with bolts of magic and smearing them across walls in an explosion powered by pure love. But what’s a few war crimes when you have tolerance and forgiveness? Reparations to the aggrieved? The ponies said they were sorry. Is it any wonder a human can assault a female of his own species, tie her up and beat her, and be given a stern lecture about friendship?

I haven’t been back to the hospital since that day. I had to tweek my hole-free changeling form, but “Nurse Zilia” has faded away like the fiction she always was. That form was just me playing along with the other survivors who thought I needed help. The problem is, I’m not the one who’s broken here. This world is. And deep down, I’m glad my only friend never had to wake up to see it. And that’s a horrible way to think. And deep down I know it makes me a monster. But tonight I don’t care, because my only friend is dead.

-The End-
(for real this time)

Author's Notes:

So in case you never figured it out, the only things in the entire story that really happened in the real world were the chapters concerning Nurse Zilia. Everything else was a coma dream that unravelled as Ki’s life slowly slipped away. I started writing this story as a fun, light little satire of the SilverStarsVerse, starting immediately after the end of Silver Sky. I wrote the two holiday specials around christmas and had originally written a New Years Holiday Special that I was going to publish on New Year's Eve. Then there was a horribly bad bipolar episode resulting in a not-very-well-thought-out plan to shut down Atlanta public transit by throwing myself in front of a subway train at the stroke of midnight on New Years.

I was stopped, obviously. Police became involved, and by the time they let me out of the looney bin four days later, David had blown up the entire universe and reset everything back to where it is now. For whatever reason, I decided to roll with it. And that's the story of where this story came from. It’s been a wild, confusing ride. I hope you liked it. It’s officially over now.

The Cards We're Dealt (Swing Shift): The Wrathful Traders

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“Remember,” a deep burgundy lunar pegasus mare with a bright red mane, spiked into a crude mohawk led a young changeling mare through the back halls of her father’s tavern in Canterlot, “Don’t stare at his eyes. He’s not really blind. He’s just really, really near-sighted. ‘The Blind Goat’ is more like a professional nickname.”

“And he can really see the future?” the changeling mare’s voice betrayed her clear nervousness.

“The future, the past, secrets, lies, Billy is legit,” the young mare caught herself, “DON’T call him Billy, though, what-ever you do. He lets me call him that. My folks call him William. Call him Tarotius, Tarot, whichever he introduces himself as. You’re not some stuck up noble, so he won’t insist on ‘Mr. Solitaire’. But you might get brownie points if you let him correct you on that last one.”

“It doesn’t scare you? The Blind Goat has a pretty dark reputation,” the changeling looked around nervously as the pair descended into the basement.

“Billy’s a teddy-bear,” the lunar pegasus rolled her eyes, “I’ve heard the stories. Believe me, my dad encourages the stories. He says it’s good for business, but trust me, I’ve known Billy my whole life. We grew up together. My parents sort of adopted him before I was born. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. Some ponies don’t like what he shows them. Others don’t want to pay the price to fix it, so they tell ponies he cursed them. On the up side, he really brings in the goth ponies on Saturday nights. Well, here we are. Down those stairs and to the right. Or left, if you have to use the restroom.”

“You’re not coming in with me?” the changeling had sudden second thoughts.

“Sorry,” the lunar mare smiled, showing a bit of fang, “Billy won’t let me see him do ‘real’ readings, just the show he puts on for the stupid goth ponies. Just remember, don’t stare at his eyes. Don’t call him ‘Billy’. Knock three times and tell him Candy Apple sent you.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Come in. Sit down. Tarotius William Solitaire, at you service,” the goat was the color of dirty cream, with eye’s the color of dead salmon that refused to focus on any one thing. A moment stood, pregnant in the air, “And you are?”

“Zeena,” the changeling nearly whispered.

“If we’re using fake names, then I guess you can call me King Sombra,” the goat rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“Pinkie Pie Number Thirteen,” the changeling nearly stuttered in surprise..

“I don’t set the price. Your first price is your name, your real name” the goat replied flatly.

“The pony’s call me anypony they want to see,” the changeling’s voice dripped caustic resentment.

“And yet the card demands your real name,” the goat hung his head, “It must be difficult to maintain the form of an adult, hole-free changeling. Especially at your age.”

“Swing Shift,” the changeling stepped backwards and briefly considered bolting back through the door. Nopony had ever been able to see through her disguises, and yet this goat had just slapped her in her face with her own biggest secret. But, still, it only meant that perhaps he could help her after all.

The goat took a card out of the satin bag and laid it face down in front of the changeling, the cards backing was coal grey and badly water damaged, “It’s your choice to turn the card. I will warn you, turn it by hoof, no magic.”

Swing reached forward with a shaking hoof, she had heard stories. They said that once you turned that card, that was it. One way or the other events would be set in motion. There would be a price. Closing her eyes so briefly it might have been mistaken for a blink, she turned the card.

The card depicted a human man in a brightly colored suit and hat smiling and leading a smiling pink mare with a long flat mane and tail through a hall of mirrors. All of the mirrors except the ones to either side of the couple were shattered. The mirror on the pony’s side revealed a changeling filly, alone in the cold, leaning against the glass, her eyes wide and tear-stained. The mirror on the human’s side reflected a man huddled in a padded room dressed in nothing more than a hospital gown. His eye’s twinkled with the sparks of madness. Over their heads floated thirteen brightly colored balloons, each bearing it’s own mocking jack-o-lantern grin.

“The Wrathful Traders,” the goat named the card tonelessly, “Each has traded everything and been given everything they asked for. They walk a path of broken glass beneath the torment of laughter. Each see’s in the other merely a reflection of their own desires. They are strangers.”

The changeling trembled violently as the goat continued, “Rebellion, detachment, and a grievous loss. You want to recover what was lost. What you want carries a heavy cost. I would consider the card’s warning. The friend you want back is a stranger to you, a one way mirror which only reflected your own desires.”

“I- I don’t care what it costs!” the changeling sobbed bitterly, “He was my only friend! He was the only one I ever trusted with my secrets and I want him back!”

“Many ponies say ‘I don’t care what it costs’,” the goat shook his head sadly, “Few really mean it. But it is not my place to deny you. I see between the world. I read the words behind the cards. Changelings live by deception. It is their very nature. But you have lived so many lies, you no longer see the truth of yourself. It has twisted the form that is the real you, until you hide it even from yourself.”

The goat fluidly flipped the card back over, revealing the back had changed into a highly polished mirrored surface. Swing Shift leaned forward momentarily, then withdrew in horror at the monster reflected back. The goat simply carried on, “Hide what you will from the ponies around you. Every mirror, to your eyes, now reflects the truth behind the laughter. When you have seen the world in smoking ruins, you will have what you asked for. The time is coming sooner than you may think.”

The goat slipped the card back into it’s pouch, and retrieved a bottle of ale from an ice bucket beside his seat. He sat there, silently drinking in disinterest as the changeling filly exited with shaking legs and clattering hooves.

The Cards We're Dealt (Starlight Glimmer): The Six of Death

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“One hundred and fifty bits, no less,” the light brown earth pony mare behind the bar stood firm, shutting down any haggling before it could even properly begin.

“At that price, the Blind Goat better live up to his reputation,” Starlight Glimmer scowled as she counted out the bits from her saddle bag.

“You’d do best to pay my son the respect he’s due,” the mare scowled.

“You’re son?” the unicorn raised an eyebrow, “I thought he was a goat? Is the name symbolic?”

“My husband and I have raised William since he was a kid,” the mare sighed sadly, “He lost his parents to a runaway carriage. His mother used to read the cards, and his father worked the bar. He’s a son to us in all but name, but that’ll change soon enough if our daughter has her way.”

“I see,” Starlight smiled warmly, “I didn’t mean any disrespect. Everyone I’ve asked has said that when it comes to divination, he’s the best that can be found. To be fair, I had heard the price was steep.”

“Oh they weren’t talking about the price that you pay in bits,” the earth pony smiled knowingly, “Just follow that hall around till you get to the stairs. Knock three times on the door to your right, tell him Caramel Apple sent you.”

-=-=-=-

The goat lazily sipped a bottle of bitter ale, letting the taste roll in his mouth, while he waited for the wicked unicorn. He scowled a bit in impatience when there were two knocks, followed a moment later by a third.

“Candy Apple sent me,” a mare’s voice floated through the thick door, prompting the goat to rise and undo the latch that guarded his privacy.

After moment of waiting it became clear that the mare expected him to open the door for her, so he bleated roughly, “Come in.”

The pinkish blur of a unicorn didn’t look like the force of evil the voices in the walls whispered about so nervously, and yet, as she entered the voices retreated into a frightened silence, causing the goat to raise an eyebrow.

Without preamble the goat pulled forth a card from his velvet pouch and laid it on the table, gesturing for his guest to be seated. The card’s backing revealed a lush meadow, bisected by a bubbling brook. An apple floated in the sky like the sun and the card’s border was gilded in gold foil.

“It is you’re choice to turn the card,” the goat sipped his ale, speaking without bothering to look at the mare before him, “Turn the card by hoof. Do NOT touch any of my cards with your magic.”

“Hello, I’m…” the blurry mare started only to be immediately cut off.

“Your name doesn’t matter to me,” the goat waved a hoof dismissively, “Those who change the course of time are the merely the tools of destiny... or it’s victims.”

The mare opened her mouth a moment in disbelief, closed it again and took the offered seat. She then impatiently flipped the card in front of her with a little snort of indignation.

The card portrayed an old mare, with a greying, pale pink coat and a tangled white mane and tail. Her eyes shone with tears, perhaps of anger, perhaps of sorrow. Her expression was strong, resolute, and unreadable. She stood in a blasted wasteland surrounded by the skulls of six ponies. Overhead a cruelly smiling sun shone down mercilessly, while seven vultures circled in the sky.

“The Six of Death,” the goat intoned without emotion, “A fallen spiritual leader, betrayed by willpower and led down the path of guilt into the valley of death.”

“You have no right to judge me,” the angry pink mare stamped a fore hoof against the wooden table.

“I pass no judgements,” the goat shook his head slowly, “And you asked the card to judge you when you chose to turn it. Surrender to your enemy and regain what was lost, or yield unto temptation and be the destroyer of the world. I merely read the card. I do not set the price. I do not select your path.”

“Then I’ll just turn it back,” the angry mare’s grin dripped with arrogance as she flipped the card back over with her magic. A sudden gasp escaped her lips. The meadow had become a desert wasteland. The brook flowed black with putrid silt. Worst yet, the apple was shining with rot, and withered into the shape of a pony’s skull.

“You were warned not to touch the card with magic,” the goat hastily pulled the card back into it’s bag with a cloven hoof, “You will face the valley of death, only then will your pride allow your surrender. Your defeat will be complete. You will only regain what you’ve lost in the service of your enemy. This is your price and it will be paid.”

“Do you take me for some superstitious fool?” the angry mare, “Do you think I’m stupid enough to not see what you’re doing? Trick cards to make a pony think they’re cursed. Then you, or the old mare upstairs offers some kind of ward or trinket for even more bits! I demand a refund! I’ll report you to the guard, con-pony!”

The goat reached into his pouch and drew a card, his unfocused eyes only glancing at it’s face for the barest of moments before it was quickly returned to it’s resting place. The goat chuckled mirthlessly, “I see you’ve already made a trade with The Warden of Persuasion. By all means, take this before Celestia’s Court. Better yet, you could seek intervention from the Princess of Friendship. I’m sure she would be happy to intercede. At any rate, good evening and good bye. I have spent enough time in the company of death for one evening.”

The goat casually reached for another bottle of ale as the angry unicorn slammed the door behind her.

Saturday Nightmare Night Fever(Trixie/Tarot & Family): Role Models

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Tarot hated Saturday night. Saturday night was the opposite of what Tarot Solitaire liked most, namely being left alone. He hated the crowds. Truth be told he wasn’t especially fond of most ponies, and that didn’t bother him. He didn’t mind when Candy Apple would come downstairs and sit with him while he drank his evening ale. She understood him. They could sit together for hours sometimes never saying anything at all. The clink of the bottles the only conversation needed between them.

His foster parents understood as well, not to the extent their daughter did, but enough to allow him the space he needed. It was nice during the week in the early morning hours, when they were done shooing out the last of the regular lunars, and he could sit at a table with his family and know the most pressing question about any pony’s future he had to answer was when Evening Bolt made some jab about making an “honest mare” of his daughter. Sweet Tooth would blush, Tarot would roll his eyes, everypony would laugh, and then they’d all get a good day’s sleep.

Saturdays were show days though. Tarot hated show days. His side-slit eyes had no trouble cutting through the darkness, which only made it worse, as the garish crowd of day ponies blended and meshed in his blurry sight until sometimes he imagined them to be a single writhing entity, like some technicolor eldritch horror.

The private readings he didn’t mind so much, though even then some customers were more trying than others. At least though, with the private readings he wasn’t out-numbered. One on one, the ponies couldn’t whisper about the “Blind Goat” right in front of him as if they thought his stage name should be the “Deaf Goat”.

But the Saturday night shows for the goth-ponies were a part of his place and his duties at The Belfry. It helped that Candy Apple always told him how great he looked on stage. And he knew she was telling the truth. He was after all the son of “the Great Madame Baphomet” as his foster mother, Caramel Apple never tired of reminding him. And he couldn’t well stand up a Saturday show on Nightmare Night...

-=-=-=-=-

“Seriously dear?” Rough Draft didn’t like to question his wife, “Our foals first Nightmare Night and we’re taking her to a lunar pegasus bar? With our foal?”

“Oh relax,” Trixie rolled her eyes at her husband’s worries, “The Belfry is a mixed bar. The owner is married to an earth pony. Day ponies like us are more than welcome.”

“But with our foal?” the brown earth stallion reiterated his objection.

“If our daughter is going to be a great and powerful show pony, she must do so without the aid of unicorn magic. Trixie can think of no better role-model than the Blind Goat,” the bombastic show mare held her daughter in front of her in a gentle magic grip, addressing her, perhaps more than her husband, who’s misgiving quickly moved towards outright panic.

“THE BLIND GOAT?!?!” Rough Draft immediately moved between his wife and foal and the imposing three story tavern, standing firm, “There is no way we are taking our daughter to see the Blind Goat! Have you even heard the stories? They say that making a deal with him is like making a deal with Tyrek!”

“Tarotius William Solitaire is one of the most talented experts on divination, perhaps the most talented,” Trixie brushed off her husband's fear as if it were dust on her cape, “I’ve known him for years. We’re… if not friends, professionally friendly peers. And besides, while his private readings are not for the faint of heart, his shows are just that, for show. He’s a perfectly nice goat, if a bit of an introvert. His foster father encourages the stories because it’s good for business, my only fears concerning Tarot would be if I had to follow him on stage.”

“Panicked new father and magician costumes, complete with a foal accessory?” a caramel coated earth pony mare with a green mane, and a candy apple cutie mark looked over the family as they reached the door, “I don’t know if I can let you have our Nightmare Night costume discount or not, hmm…”

“It’s been a long time Candy Apple,” Trixie smiled brightly, “How is Little Sweet Tooth? Still following following Tarot like a shadow?”

“Too long, Trixie dear,” the earth pony smiled back warmly, “Sweet Tooth’s not so little anymore. I suspect any day now, if William doesn’t propose she’ll drug his ale and drag him to the altar herself.”

Trixie laughed easily, “Speaking of marriage, meet my husband Rough Draft, and our little filly Saphire Streak.”

“She’ll be drawing a crowd to rival her mother’s I bet,” a new, course voice rang out as a large lunar pegasus, deep brown with matching mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a lightning bolt against a crescent moon.

“Evening Bolt!” Trixie grinned even wider, “So good to see you!”

“I’ve heard you’re doing another tour soon,” the stallion said bluntly, but with a smile, “I hope one of your venues will be the Belfry. You were always a crowd pleaser.”

“Business as always, I see,” the show mare chuckled, “Well, I’m opening in Ponyville, so I imagine Canterlot will be my next stop. The Great and Powerful Trixie would never dream of missing a chance to perform at the famous Belfry. But tonight is Trixie is not the one onstage. Tell me, does Tarot have a moment to spare before his show? I know how he is, and he won’t be in any mood to talk afterwards, even with an old colleague.”

“Yeah, that’s our boy,” the older stallion laughed, “I tell you, his parents would be so proud if they could see him now.”

“He should be backstage,” Candy Apple waved the family in, “You remember the way, dear? Good, good. Sweet Tooth will be helping him set up, I’m sure she’ll be pleased as punch to see your new family!”

“Come on dear,” Trixie tugged her still somewhat nervous husband into the dimly lit tavern.

Saturday Nightmare Night Fever (Trixie/Tarot & Family): The Great and the Powerful

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“Billy, don’t be such a kid about it,” Candy Apple stamped her hoof in a huff, “It’s just a cape.”

“It get’s in the way,” Tarot huffed, “I need my hooves free to do the act.”

“But, Billy, it’s Nightmare Night,” the burgundy lunar pegasus flared her wings in irritation, “You can’t not be dressed up for Nightmare Night. Not on a show night!”

“You’re slipping, Tarot,” a new voice rose up from the backstage entrance, surprising both the goat and the pony, “Trixie expected more from her great and powerful rival.”

“Trixie” Sweet Tooth rushed over to wrap the blue showmare in a warm embrace, “It’s been years! How have you been? We were all so worried when we heard you had stopped touring. What happened?”

“I’ve been through… a lot,” Trixie dropped her stage voice in the presence of her peers, “Some good, some… less than good. I’m a wife now, and a mother. Meet my husband, Rough Draft, and our daughter Sapphire Streak.”

Rough shuffled into the room with their daughter on his back in her baby-saddle and managed a nervous, “Hi.” trying not to look nervous in front of the infamous Blind Goat.

“Excuse my husband,” Trixie rolled her eyes, “He believes too many of the stories and doesn't properly understand the business.”

“It’s alright,” Sweet Tooth smiled, “It’s dad’s fault really. He encourages all that mumbo jumbo.”

“I can’t hold it against him,” Tarot flipped absently through his show-deck, sending the cards flying from one hoof to the other with ease, “It’s my reputation that brings in the marks.”

“See, Billy!” Candy Apple swatted playfully at the goat, “I told you the cape wouldn’t get in the way!”

“It’s the stories I’ve heard about you that I find troubling,” the goat continued as he placed the cards in precise, if obscure patterns on the table before him, “It’s one thing to show up a heckler now and again, but to make it into your whole act? You’re better than that Trixie.”

“Really?" Trixie deadpanned, “That’s what you’re going to criticize, my schtick from the last tour. Not the town I tried to enslaved?”

“Actually I found that last part pretty impressive,” the goat walked over to the stage controls and tested a series of lights and two smoke machines, “And I hear that’s going to be the starting point for your next tour. Gonna be a hard act to follow up on. I can hear it now, ‘Sure it was a great show, but the last time there was an actual magic duel, you should have been here for THAT show’.”

“Why you impudent, no-account,” Trixie fumed only for Candy Apple to quickly jump in.

“Hey!” the lunar pegasus quickly stepped between the two magicians, “Did I mention I got my cutie mark sense the last time you were here, it’s really been a while, huh?”

“Oh, cotton candy!” Rough said brightly, “Are you a candy maker?”

“Are you staring at my marefriend’s flank?” The goat turned his attention to Rough Draft, causing the older stallion to blanch visibly.

“I d-didn’t mean anything by it! I swear” Rough nearly stumbled as he backed towards the door, “Please don’t put a heck on me!”

“That’s Hex, dear,” Trixie rolled her eyes.

“There’s two of them?” Sweet Tooth chimed in, “That’s even worse!”

The goat just chuckled and got back to preparing for his show.

“I was just the butt of a joke wasn’t I?” Rough sulked quietly as even Sapphire giggled at her father’s expense.

“Yes. Yes you were,” Candy said between giggles, “But to answer your question, my cutie mark isn’t as literal as that. Cotton Candy is a tradition food of carnivals. It means I’m a carnie pony. Both mine and Billy’s parents were carnie ponies. They went in together and bought The Belfry with the idea of making a carnival that stays in one place. And that’s kinda what we are. We get traveling acts from all over equestria!”

“Wow,” Rough Draft was indeed impressed, when Saphire wiggled free of her saddling and flew straight for a velvet bag sitting innocently on a storage shelf.

Trixies eyes went wide with panic, knowing too well what that bag contained, but the goat was already in place to prevent disaster, grabbing the little filly by the scruff of the neck gently in his teeth and carrying the now disgruntled foal to her distraught mother.

“Interested in the cards at such a young age, little one?” Tarot chuckled as Trixie admonished her daughter, still shaking from the near disaster, “I don’t think you’re quite ready for THAT deck, but I do have something not quite so dire to entertain little hooves.”

Shuffling through some old nick nacks, the goat brought out an over sized, overly brightly colored deck of cards, “My mother gave me these when I was nearly as small as you. Good practice for curious hooves and bright little minds.”

The bright blue filly greedily snatched the gift from the goat's mouth in her hooves, cooing at the pretty colors before throwing the cards to the floor in a fit of giggles. The cards lay scattered in no particular pattern, with only one card prominently displayed.

The card portrayed a happy stallion made up of shimmering silvery stars dancing amid the constellations, both the sun and moon shone light on the path before him.

“The Prince of Stars,” the goat smiled brightly at the foal, “He is guided by the Sun and Moon and walks between the dawn and the twilight. It represents hope, and acceptance of fate and a victory. You are certainly your mother's great and powerful offspring. But as much as I hate to cut this reunion short, I do have a show to prepare. It was good seeing you again Trixie. If you wish to stay for the show, you know you’re always welcome to use the family balcony seats.”

“As much as I would love to, my husband would think me a bad mother if I did not take my daughter to gather her candy for Nightmare Night,” the show mare laughed.

“It was good meeting you both,” Rough Draft smiled sincerely, “And thank you for the gift.”

And with that the family quietly departed, leaving the other couple to prepare for their performance.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again (Surprise): It's just a jump to the left...

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If you haven't yet you should go check out whats going down in the rest of the universe.

The moment the tavern door closed behind her, Surprise could feel something was off. She turned for a moment and considered leaving, but a kindly feminine voice interrupted those thoughts.

“I wouldn’t do that dear,” a caramel colored earth pony smiled from behind the bar, “Williams expecting you. Down the hall, at the bottom of the stairs, doors to the right. Just let yourself in.”

“Okie-doki-loki?” Surprise cautiously made her we to the indicated door.

-=-=-=-=-

“I thought you said Pinkie Pie was coming!” a cute burgundy lunar pegasus with a red mohawk sulked as Surprise peeked her head into the goats room.

“The voices between the walls never lie, but they can Surprise us,” the goat winked an unfocused eye at the green party pony, “Come in, come in. You picked a bad day for a reading, I’m afraid. My cards are otherwise occupied, keeping the lines of fate secured to the Belfry.”

“”Uh, hi,” Surprise smiled nervously, “I was hoping maybe you knew what was going on. I woke up this morning and my shop was empty and boarded up, and almost no pony's out on the streets, and I saw a paper that said Equestria’s at war with the Crystal Empire, and that Sombra’s a big evil meany-pants again. I thought Silver convinced Sombra to play nice?”

“The Princess of Bits,” the goat laid out a quite mundane tarot card on the table, only to be interrupted by Sweet Tooth.

“Billy! That’s your stage deck!” the young mare protested.

“Do you think my only talent comes from a cursed deck of cards?” the goat sounded hurt.

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Sweet protested, “But if you're gonna used a stacked deck of normal cards, why not just tell her what’s what?”

“This is exactly why I don’t let you sit in on readings with the real cards,” the goat responded flatly, leaving his marefriend to sulk as he continued, “This card represents a mare who calculates the odds. She tries to confound fate, and to that end she tries to change the course of prophecy. However, it is not fate she moves against, it is destiny.She must confront her own fears. She moves against you not in malice.”

“Uh, thanks,” Surprise gave a confused smile, “Doesn’t all answer my question, but it is really helpful and relevant in a creepy kinda way.”

“I’m glad I could be of service Miss Pie. Now if I could ask a favor in return,” the goat smiled warmly, “I have been tasked to set right knot in the twines of fate. However, outside of the Belfry the paths of time itself are unraveling. Destiny will put itself right with time. Time itself has become undone. You have been in the places between time and space, and are thus unaffected.”

“Okay,” Surprise cocked her head one way, then the other, “That actually does answer my question but then ask another question. You’re a tricky one alright.”

“I need to give you two cards,” The goat fetched a bottle of bitter ale and took a heavy gulp before continuing, “The first is the Monkey’s Uncle. The second is the Seven of Parasprites. One card goes to a human, the other to a changeling. Each has a connection to your past in a way you do not realize. Both are very dead in the original time path. Give each their appropriate card and take them to the end of the world.”

“Oh, is that all,” Surprise said with smile then did a sudden double-take causing her face bounce on her head for a small moment, “You want to do WHAT?!?!”

“Both are in canterlot, or will be at the appropriate time,” the goat explained, “You're the only pony aware of what’s going on who isn’t already tied by destiny to all of this whole mess. You are free to refuse. Nopony under this roof would turn you out. If you choose to remain here, you will be safe until this is over and when you return everything will be as it was before.”

“Buuuut,” Surprise rolled her hoof expectantly, “If I can pull it off…”

The goat flipped a card casually, “The Three of Skulls, three smiling faces. One smile you had no way to save, one smile you extinguished, and a third at the end of the world.”

“I- How do you know about that?” Surprise took a step back, she hadn’t even told Silver or Night about the human in the hospital. Nopony knew about the wedding. Not even Maud. The goat just sat expectantly, until she whispered, “I’ll do it.”

Let's Do the Time Watp Again (Surprise/Ki): Malingering Doubts

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The bored, middle aged, mohawked human sulked idly at the bar, one arm in a sling. His uniform was disheveled, and his expression dejected.

“Relax, Ki,” a younger human with his leg in a cast took up the bar stool next to him, “The doctors said you’ll back out in the fight in no time. It’s just one battle, besides, according to you, this whole thing is just gonna be one big, ugly, bad dream as soon as the ‘princess of friendzones’ makes nice with the time traveling evil unicorn, right?”

“Friendship,” the human shot his compatriot a malicious glare, “It’s ‘Princess of Friendship’, Jake. Look, I know you don’t believe me. You came in before the end of season five, so none of your spoilers are really relevant to this timeline.”

“Maybe you should just accept that the real pony world is just nothing like the cartoon back home man,” Jake shrugged, “I know you’re frustrated, man, I get it. A pony you care about is out there on the front lines and you’re stuck back here with a busted arm,” the human gestured at his own leg, “Believe me, I get it.”

“My arms not that bad off,” Ki snapped, “Pinkamena said something to the doctor. I saw it, and I can guess what it was.”

“You think Pinks called a favor and got you put on the sick-list?” Jake was honestly shocked, “No way, she wouldn’t do that, not even for you.”

“And yet here I am,” the mohawked soldier gestured, “Sitting at a bar keeping my arm in a sling to avoid being accused of malingering, while everypony I know and care about is out there fighting, maybe dying! And you what makes it worse?”

Ki waited a moment then answered the resulting silence, “Pinkamena didn’t think I could pull my weight. Deep down inside she thinks I’m too old to hold my own on the battlefield.”

“Look man, you're taking this the wrong way,” Jake tried to comfort his friend, “If… IF, and it’s a really big ‘if’, but if Pinkamena did pull some strings to get you off combat duty, it’s only because she didn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“And it’s okay if something happens to her?” Ki snatched up his cider from the bar and took a long chug, “I should have taken the transformation when they offered it. I could be back in prime shape, I could be out there DOING something, instead of sitting around helping you recycle hard cider.”

“Dude, don’t look now, but Pinkamena just walked through the door,” Jake’s face was a mask of confusion, “And she’s green. And smiling. Something is…”

The human didn’t get any further, as Ki sprang up, leaving his barstool clattering to the floor as he ran to the green mare throwing his arms around her withers, “Jeezac of Prozation, Diane! What happened?!?! Where are the others? Is Maude alright?”

“What about Dash?” Jake asked from a more respectful distance, “And why are you green, was it some kind of enemy spell?”

“Uh, I think you might be just a teensy bit confused,” Surprise wiggled out of the hug and regained some degree of personal space, “I don’t think I'm the pony you think I am. Not exactly anyway.”

Ki stepped back and eyed the mare suspiciously, “You’re not Diane.”

“Weeeeeell,” the green mare cocked her head one side, “My middle name IS Diane. But… how to put this delicately… I’m not the Pinkie Pie you're looking for?”

“Pinkie Pie?” Both humans said at once and shared a look.

“Uh, yeah,” it was Surprise’s turn to look confused, “That IS who you thought I was right?”

“Yeah,” Ki admitted, “It’s just that…”

“Nopony ever calls her Pinkie Pie!” Jake blurted out, “Not even Ki gets away with that.”

“Oh, alternate timeline thing I suppose,” Surprise shrugged and took it in stride.

“Wait did you say ‘alternate timeline’,” Jake cocked his head to one side.

“Told you so,” the older human stuck his tongue out, “So you’re from a different timeline, where Pinkie Pie is green?”

“Not exactly,” the green party pony rubbed the side of her head in embarrassment, “I’m more of a castaway, time traveling Pinkie Pie who got cut off from her original point in spacetime so now I hang out in the original timeline in this world and also I got turned green via overexposure to the space between time and space. I go by Surprise to avoid confusion.”

“Ooooookay,” Jake nodded slowly when the mare paused for breath, “So it’s like Ki here’s been telling everypony, sooner or later it will all sort itself out, and we can all go back to normal.”

“Well,” Surprised looked really uncomfortable, “You go back to the state you were in when this all started, which is all well and good if you didn’t get hit by a train immediately upon arrival in Equestria.”

“So, in the real world I’m…” the mohawked human swallowed hard unwilling to finish the thought.

“Woah, dude,” Jake blinked slowly, “That’s pretty heavy. You all right?”

“I’m dead,” the middle aged man began laughing hysterically, “I’m all walking around for months thinking, ‘Hey, look at me, not failing as a soldier. Shipping with with Pinkie Pie. Hey I’ll bet when this is over I’ma have a sweet life in Equestria.’ But no, nope, nope-a-roonie. Never really happened, because outside of the time warp I’m dead. Hit by a train. Don’t get much deader than that. Nope indeedy-do.”

“Dude, maybe you should…” Jake tried to offer comfort, only for his angry friend to turn on him.

“Just shut up, Jake!” Ki sneered, “You get to come out of this. When it’s all over, you’re back in Equestria! Hell, maybe you even got hooked up with Rainbow Dash. You don’t know! You know what you’re not? Huh? Wanna take a guess? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with head!”

“It’s alright,” Surprise nuzzled up to the distraught human, “I’m not going to let that happen, I can guide you out of this. Trust me, I’ve done the whole skipping alternate realities thing before. Just take this card, it’s from the Blind Goat.”

Surprise pulled the tarot card from the Blind Goat from out of her mane and passed it to the human, who read it and replied, “The Monkey’s Uncle? What’s this supposed to do? And who in the nine hells the the Blind Go...”

And then everything suddenly never happened again.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again (Surprise/Ki/Seven): Who are you?

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“Jake? Where are you buddy?” Ki spun around the ruined, broken bar, then turned on his guide, “What did you do with Jake? Where is he! Take me back to where we just were! I need to tell Diane…”

“There is no Diane,” Surprise shook her head sadly, “Not the way you knew her. You’re a copy now. In a new universe. It’s just like the Blind Goat said, time is unwinding and rewriting itself.”

“Then we have to Find Pinkie Pie in THIS timeline and…” the frustrated human started, only to be interrupted.

“I’m really, really sorry to tell you this, but the Pinkie Pie of this timeline doesn’t even know you, most likely,” Surprise shook her head sadly, “I know the Pinkie Pie of the original timeline doesn’t. On my world I had a really good friend named Night Watch. But the Night Watch of this world acts like she doesn’t even know me. Like I’m in the way. The timeline you come from may or may not even still exist and you can never go back. If you ever do meet Pinkie Pie, she won’t be your marefriend. She won’t be your comrade in arms. She’ll just be confused because you think she knows you.”

“It can’t be,” the human tugged helplessly at his mohawk, “Her Pinkamena sense is what stopped the train in time. We’ve fought together. Hell if she hadn’t pushed me out of the way, I wouldn’t have taken that shot to the shoulder, I would have taken it to the chest. It was a bad day. Jake took a hit to leg, he got a nasty break. Don’t know if they’ll let him fight again. I think they’re giving him some leave before they transfer him to a civilian support unit…”

Ki trailed off, and Surprise put a hoof over his shoulder, “It’s gonna be okay, we find our friends. They may not remember us, and maybe we don’t remember them, but we find our friends.”

“I found a human one time, eating out of the dumpster behind Sugar Cube corner,” Surprise bowed her head and turned away, “He was terrified that ponies wanted to do horrible things to him. So I introduced him to my friend Silver Stars’ friend Rough Tumble, because he was starting up delivery business and he needed somepony who was really good with transport logistics. And you wouldn’t have thought it but… my human friend was really great at that. And it got him away from Celestia, because he had serious issues with Celestia and the sun in general. He’d rant for days sometimes about the Text ‘resetting time’. Now I wonder...”

“You know me, don’t you?” Ki looked up suddenly.

“No I don’t know you. The same way I don’t know Night. I knew Charlie,” Surprise suppressed a sob.

“And I’m not ‘Charlie’,” Ki nodded slowly.

“And I’ll never be ‘Diane’,” Surprise smiled, “What did you ask for?”

“Just put me in front of a train,” Ki laughed shamelessly, “And when it asked what I wanted to bring with me I said ‘I didn’t care’.”

“Pinkie Pie #7 saw that,” an ambiguous changeling suddenly had it’s hoof over the smiling human’s shoulder, “Pinkie Pie #7 was watching a resistance evacuation train. You just didn’t move and they didn’t even try to stop. And you smiled when the train hit you. You were laughing at that exact moment.”

“It reminded Pinkie Pie #7 of the day we all won. It reminded Pinkie Pie #7 of the day she killed her sister…”

-=-=-=-=-

She was only a nymph, She shouldn’t have even been there. Pinkie Pie #7 told her it would be okay. Swing shift was a prodigy, She could be anything she wanted. Even an adult changeling. Pinkie Pie #7 told her it would be okay. She told her she would keep her safe. Pinkie Pie #7 stopped being a good changeling that day. She just didn’t know it yet. She told a horrible lie.

It was a stupid plan. Pinkie Pie #7 is not sure even how it worked in the end. The ponies were just so afraid that they might hurt their friends by mistake. Pinkie Pie #7 should have been as carefull.

Swing Shift could change so perfectly. It wasn’t Pinkie Pie #7’s fault. There was a Pink Pony beating up my little sister. I know we were all siblings, but Swing Shift was different… I took care of her. Other nymphs would call her ‘Somepony’ or ‘nopony’ or ‘whatserface’,but she was something special. And I..and Pinkie Pie #7…

Pinkie Pie #7 saw a pink pony beating up her little sister. And she took the shot… and she… she…

-=-=-=-=-

“And she extinguished a smile,” Surprise finished for the sobbing changeling, “And it haunted her everyday after that. I think this card belongs to you. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to do what I did. I was so afraid. I just saw a mean changeling trying to hurt my friend. I took the shot. We’re going to make this right again.”

“How can we make this right when my sister is dead?” the changeling sobbed as she took the card.

“I don’t know,” Surprise admitted as the silver sky melted around them in bleeding lines.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again (Night Watch): The Nightmare We Become

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Seven pranced in panicked circles as the world seemed to melt away, washing like wet paint from the new reality. Ki and Surprise took in their new surroundings. They were still in the bar, but it was no longer in ruins, nor was it empty, being instead filled with lunar ponies of every variety.

“There are ponies in Canterlot?” Seven began panicking, “There can’t be ponies in Canterlot. If the Queen finds out she’ll come back to get the ponies. If the Queen comes back, she’ll find Pinkie Pie #7!”

“I don’t think you have to worry about queen Chrysalis anymore,” Ki glanced around nervously, noting the dirty looks the trio was receiving from the bar's patrons, “Y'all, I think we should very casually make our way out the door.”

Ki began to walk towards the exit, the two mares following his lead. Once they had made their way to the street, the mohawked human turned to the changeling, “So, you’re name is Pinky Pie Number Seven? Pardon me for saying so, but that doesn't sound like a changeling name. We were allied with a few of the Badlands hives, so I’ve met a few changelings.”

“Pinkie Pie #7 doesn’t have a name. Pinky Pie #7 doesn’t deserve a name,” The changeling started to lose her composure again.

“It’s okay,” Surprise moved to comfort the changeling, shooting a dirty look at her human companion, “It wasn’t your fault. And that timelines gone now.”

“What does the green pony mean?” Seven cocked her head to the side.

“It’s Surprise,” the party pony turned off the main road leading the three in an alleyway where they might have more privacy, “You can call me Surprise. Time is kinda really mixed up right now. There’s a bad pony trying to change history, and every time she does it makes the world go all bonkers. The card I gave you came from a psychic ponies call The Blind Goat. It pulled you out of the normal flow of time, I think.”

“I think I get it at this point,” the human nodded then turned to the changeling, “It means all the bad things that happened never happened anymore. You said you saw me get hit by a train, right?”

“Yes,” Pinkie Pie #7 nodded, “Pinkie Pie #7 was supposed to find the pony named Pinkie Pie. She was supposed to spy on the resistance. She was the seventh to get sent. But then she saw a strange monkey thing that was you appear in front of the train and you laughed and then SPLAT, and then Pinkie Pie #7 remembered the day we won and she didn’t want to put ponies in pods anymore. So she stayed in Canterlot. She hid.”

“But I’m right here,” Ki laid a supportive have on the changelings withers, “So you can see that never happened anymore, nothing either of us remembered ever happened anymore. Not the good and not the bad.”

“I have a confession to make,” Surprise shuffled in place, “On my world, when the the changelings invaded, I got a little carried away. I picked up my friend, Twilight Sparkle and used her like my party cannon, blasting off bolts of magic. I wasn’t really trying to hurt anypony, I just wanted the changelings to stop hurting my friends… But one changeling jumped in front of another to try and keep her from getting hit. I wasn’t aiming to really hurt anypony, but she jumped in the way and took the bolt in the face. And the changeling she jumped in front of just sort of fell down and started crying… and the changeling I shot wasn’t moving… we had to keep moving after that.”

“Pinkie Pie #7 doesn’t understand,” the changeling looked even more confused, “What happened to Pinky Pie #7 didn’t really happen but something else did? You killed a changeling?”

“You,” Surprise turned her face away, unable to look the changeling in the eyes, “I killed you. Or at least I killed my worlds version of you. And I’m pretty sure the same thing happened in the original timeline of this world.”

“It makes sense,” the human nodded, “I was hit by a train in the original timeline AND in the timeline ruled by Chrysalis. But that means that if you died jumping in front of another changeling…”

“Pinkie Pie #7 protected Swing Shift?” the changeling smiled for the first time.

“I’d say it’s a good possibility,” Ki smiled back.

“Well, well, what have we here?” a new female voice rose from the mouth of the alley, “A human, a changeling, and a sun-pony having a little secret meeting?”

The three turned to face the newcomer to find themselves confronted by a lunar pegasus night guard.

“Night Watch?” Surprise approached cautiously.

“So you’ve heard of me,” the guard sneered, “Then you must know how I feel about conspiring little sun-ponies like YOU!”

With the last word, the Lunar Guard spun around and bucked the green party pony square in the face, knocking her to the ground.

“Right,” Surprise reminded herself, “Different timeline. Different Night Watch.”

“Okay,” Ki’s face went grim, “Maybe she’s not MY Pinkie Pie, but you wanna take a cheap shot at one of my friends? I can play that game.”

The human removed his sling a winced as he rotated his shoulder, “Yeah, I was totally ready to go back on active duty.”

“Good,” the guard sneered, “I was hoping at least one of you would have some fight in them. 40% chance I break your legs, 30% chance I cave in your skull. 20% chance… what in the pits of tartarus…”

Seven melted in a wave of invisible changeling flames, becoming a monstrous mockery of a changeling, with spines cresting along her head and down her spine. The changeling smiled wide, displaying a mouthful of shark-like teeth and took a step forward, “The human and the nice pony made Pinkie Pie #7’s mistake go away. Now Pinkie Pie #7 will make you go away.”

“We really gotta work on that name,” Ki said drily as he produced a baton from his uniform.

Night Watch backed up a step, then snarled and charged the human. Ki sidestepped bring the baton in an arc for the lunar pegasus’ head. The mare easily ducked out of the way, only to be slashed along her side be the changelings head spines and bucked wildly in self defense.

The blow staggered the changeling, but gave her human companion the opening he needed, and the baton this time found it’s mark connected with a sickening crack at the base of the mare’s skull. Night Watch fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

“No!” Surprise shouted, rushing to the injured pony’s side, quickly checking for signs of life, “She’s still breathing but she’s almost definitely got a concussion. We have to get help!”

“Are you kidding?” the human said incredulously, “Aside from the fact that she just attacked us, I’m pretty sure this is the timeline ruled by Nightmare Moon. And she’s one of the Night Guard!”

“But this is Night Watch!” Surprise protested, “She’s my friend!”

“Not in this timeline,” the human insisted as he worked his overextended shoulder, “And we both know that any minute now time’s gonna rewrite itself again and she’ll be doing whatever she’s doing in the next loop. God’s in hell it’s been months since I got here. I can’t remember if the next one through is Flim Flam, Discord, or Tyrek…”

“Pinkie Pie #7 is no expert, but how long is this rewriting of time supposed to take,” the change asked innocently enough.

Both the changeling and the human looked expectantly at Surprise, who in turn looked a little nervous, “Uh… any minute now?

Let's Do The Time Warp Again (The Blind Goat): Tavern at the End of the World

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Both the changeling and the human looked expectantly at Surprise, who in turn looked a little nervous, “Uh… any minute now?”

“Hey, what are you three doing back there?!?!” a trio of angry looking guards appeared at the mouth of the alley, when one of them pointed at the falle lunar pegasus, “What did you do to Captain Watch!?”

“Uh… she was like this when we found her?” Ki offered his most clever cover story, as seven idly kicked the mare while she was down, whistling innocently.

“Get th…”

And reality washed away and the alley, and the city itself was smouldering ruins. All around them ponies lay drained of their magic, many dead, many more dying. In the distance fires and explosions erupted on the horizon as Tirek rampaged.

“Tirek then, don’t worry Tirek is a ways off,” Ki took in the scene around him, “I don’t think this one lasts very…”

Again reality melted away into perhaps the silliest scene thus far.

“You made it!” Discord popped in front of them with a smile, “I knew you crazy kids could do it!”

“Pinkie Pie#7 knows better than to trust the goat snake!” Seven proclaimed, moving between her friends and the draconequus.

“Wanna bop Celestia with a squeaky mallet?” the lord of chaos offered said mallet, instantly prompting the changeling to squee with delight as she chased the humiliated alicorn princess.

“Now that we have a moment,” Discord grinned at the human, “What are you doing back in that monkey suit?”

“Back to being a big old meanie pants I see,” Surprise scowled at Discord.

“And Greenie Pie! Well this IS a day of surprises,” Discord winked, “Relax, it’s all gonna be back to normal, no harm, no foul once the two Star Butts kiss and makeup. Now, I was talking to my chaotic monkey friend if you don’t mind. What kind of plague-inspired chaos ponie do you want to be? They come in three flavors: Big, strong hydra-ponies, flying, firebreathing dragon ponies, and tentacled magic stealing tazzle ponies?”

“What the hell is a tazzle-ponie?” The human asked in honest confusion.

“Doesn’t matter, I already did that one,” Discord snapped his talons, encasing the human in a chrysalis of cotton candy.

“Technically that IS the term for that,” Seven popped up and proclaimed brightly.

“Not just a changeling queen,” Surprise agreed sagely.

“Besides I’m not about to be outdone by that smelly old bearded hippy of a pony,” Discord grinned, “Behold, the three headed flying tazzle-corn!”

The cocoon shattered and the two Pinkies were only a little disappointed that they didn’t get to do the chrysalis joke again (“That’s still the appropriate term,” Surprise muttered). But they’re disappointment was short lived as a monstrous mockery of a pony stood in the place of their former human friend.

“This,” spoke the unicorn head on the right.

“Must be,” the dragon head on the left complained.

“A tuesday thing aauh, “ the bulky head in the middle was interrupted as his lower jaw bisected and three tentacles erupted forth, each themselves possessing their own jaws filled with needle-like teeth.”

Surprise recoiled in horror, while Seven bounced right up and began nuzzling the tentacles, cheerfully exclaiming, “He comes with puppies!”

“You kids have fun, now, you’re almost there!” the Master of Disharmony gave a friendly wave as the world once again reformed.

Ki cheerfully jumped in front of the Flim Flam Brother’s Seuss-like clear cutting machine and boldly exclaimed, “I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!”

And then as suddenly as they had arrived that time too was gone and the trio found themselves… nowhere. Equestria was simply a blasted wasteland. Nothing stirred but the arid winds. Nothing lived at all, except one little changeling filly, pocked so fully with the holes of corruption that it seemed impossible that she could stand at all. And yet there she stood, staring at the empty lifeless wasteland around her, laughing maniacally.

“I showed them! I showed them all,” the filly laughed, tears welling in her eyes, “You wanna take my sister, you wanna let my friend die? I’ll just kill your stupid ‘friendship tree’! What do you stupid ponies think of that? Not much fun when everypony you care about is gone, is it? IS IT!?!?! Somepony answer me! Anypony…”

“Swing Shift?” Seven took a slow step forward, “Is that you? Is that really you?”

The filly turned in horror, “Sw- Switch Shift? No! Don’t look at me! I- I’m a monster! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

The older changeling rushed forward and wrapped the filly in a warm embrace, “It is you! You’re alive!”

“You wanted what you lost returned,” a new voice bleated from behind them as the Blind Goat came forward, “You paid your price. In this timeline, the Elements of harmony were still united. All the evils of Equestria were thwarted, only to fall victim to the revenge of an angry foal who lost first her sister, and then her comatose friend who she never really even met.”

“Wait,” Swing Shift stammered, “Does that mean…”

The goat gestured to the monstrous three headed pony, “You opened a path that led through hell. To walk it, you became a monster. Some of those who walked the path to meet you here were altered as well.”

“Uh...hi?” the three-headed pony who was once Ki the human smiled awkwardly from each face, “I’m Ki. I was a soldier in the war against Sombra, which I guess never really happened… I uh, helped to bring you your sister back.”

”B-but…” the filly stuttered in confusion, “I thought you were a human?”

“I was.. But uh.. Discord happened,” the monstrous pony rubbed the back of his dragon head with one hoof.

“We find our friends,” Surprise found her eyes to be misted with liquid happiness, “Sometimes we don’t remember each other. Sometimes we change. But we find our friends.”

“Indeed we do Miss Pie,” the blind goat agreed, “Indeed we do. I’m only sorry I couldn’t offer you more than the dubious wisdom of a nearsighted goat by way of reward.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, you sly charmer,” the green party pony smiled happily, “I brought three smiles back that were lost to the world. What more reward could a former element of laughter ask for?”

And the world melted one last time, and the five found themselves in the downstairs bar in The Belfry.

“So what happens now?” Ki’s three head asked in triphonic stereo.

Chaotic Shiny (Fast Change): The Balance of Terrifying

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“Seriously,” the three headed blue monstrosity that had once been Ki the human looked himself over with all three heads, briefly taking a moment to be thankful he somehow only had one consciousness, “What now? I mean I have three heads.”

“Actually Billy,” a cute lunar pegasus mare behind the bar surveyed the motley’ ensemble, “Why IS there a three headed monster in our bar. I mean it’s broad daylight, and nopony here right now anyway, but this is weird even for you…”

“It’s okay Sweets,” the goat chuckled, “that’s Ki. You’ve met Surprise. This little one is Swing Shift, she was the changeling filly who came in last week…”

“Yeah I remember you,” Candy nodded, “I could have swore you were older, though…”

The changeling filly shuffled in place and avoided eye contact as the goat continued, “And the older changeling is Switch Shift.”

“Switch Shift is happy to meet you,” the older changeling smiled and replied.

“That’s all well and good son,” Caramel Apple walked out of the kitchen, “But it doesn’t explain why there’s a three headed monster in our downstairs bar. Although, so long as he keeps his manners we’ll be happy to serve him.”

“Also,” Ki rolled all six of his eyes, “What am I supposed to do? I have three heads, and all my memories of Equestria are from an alternate reality. Do I report back to the army to return for duty? Is there an army? I used to live in the barracks. I don’t know if I’m homeless or what the hell. Also, I’m a three headed pony-monster. That’s a new thing that’s a thing.”

“Switch shift is confused as well,” the addled changeling confessed, “She is glad her sister is alive, but she does not know what she should do next. Do the ponies run things now? Do ponies hate changelings?”

-=-=-=-=-

“Alright, you two,” Fast Change’s tone was stern but not angry with the two penitent changelings in before her outside of The Belfry, “And you’re sure you saw her go in here?”

“Pretty sure,” Sweet Shift rubbed the back of her head with one hoof, “It’s pretty hard to tell with Swing.”

“It was definitely her, your majesty,” Split Shift glared at her compatriot, “We’re sorry we didn’t report this to you sooner. We thought Swing Shift was dead, just like Switch. When we found her… she was pretty messed up.”

“We thought it would be easier to ease her into the new hive,” Sweet Shift flinched back, “She’d been cut off from other changelings for so long… she thought we were all dead when she woke up alone with Switch Shift’s body.”

“When we couldn’t find her after we regrouped at the old hive, we just assumed she was one of the unlucky ones who took the blast wrong.,” Split looked ashamed.

“Well, there’s no help for that now,” Fast sighed, “What’s important is that we get her back to the hive and get her the help she needs. If she was as young as said during the invasion, then she’s still practically a foal. What were you two thinking? Helping her impersonate a nurse at Canterlot Hospital?”

“We wanted to help,” Sweet Shift pleaded, “If we had tried to pressure her, she would have just run off. With Swing Shift, if she wants to hide you just won’t find her. She’s a prodigy. She can be any pony, any changeling, any size, any shape… well... anything!”

“Well we’re only going to get one shot at this then,” she then turned to her escort of changling guards, “Remember, be gentle but firm. Swing shift isn’t in any trouble, but she’s definitely a flight risk, and she needs our help. The plan is to tether her as quickly as possible, calm any ponies present and defuse the situation as quietly as possible,” mentally adding, “which probably won’t be very.”

-=-=-=-=-

“We probably need to get you two to the hive to see Princess Fast Change A-S-A-P,” Surprise sat at a table with the two reunited changelings, “Things are probably not at all what you think they are, but I promise it’s gonna be okay.”

“But Fast Change is Chrysalis’ right hoof!” Switch Shift blurted out, “She'll take Switch Shift and her sister back to the evil, stupid queen!”

It was at that moment that a unit of changeling guards burst through the doors, followed by Princess Fast Change herself.

“Everypony please remain calm,” Fast assured the gathered ponies and changelings, “We’re just here to collect a run-away changeling foal. Nopony is in any trouble.”

“That’s her,” Split shift easily picked out her younger former hive-mate, “Is that her natural form?”

“It’s worse than we thought!” Sweet Shift exclaimed in horror, “Swing, it’s going to be okay dear. We know you’re scared, but you need help.”

“No! You won’t take Switch Shift’s sister back to Chrysalis!” the deranged changeling positioned herself between Swing and the encroaching guards, uselessly, as both were quickly tethered.

“Switch Shift?!?!” Sweet proclaimed in shock, “But how?!?! You were dead! We all saw you die!”

“Uh, I think I can explain…” Surprise started, when Ki walked out of the little colt’s room.

“I am SO sorry,” the three headed pony began apologizing, “First time using the facilities as a pony and…”

“It’s a three headed monster!” one of the changeling guards proclaimed.

“Protect the Princess,” a second echoed as the rest of the unit flew into action and everything went to hell.

Chaotic Shiny (Swing Shift): The Truth shall set you free

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“I’m really sorry,” Ki muttered as the small swarm of changelings descended into pummeling position, “I swear I was planning to clean up the mess.”

“HEY!” Swing shift surged against the changeling magic that held her tethered, “Stop hurting Train Wreck!”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry dear,” Discord whispered from behind her, “I made him virtually immune to blunt force trauma. You could hit him with a train and you’d probably do more damage to the train.”

“Wow,” the little changeling beamed with enthusiasm, not the least surprised by the appearance of the Lord of Chaos, “That was good thinking, he has a real problem with trains.”

“Switch shift has also noticed this about her friend,” the older changeling pointed out happily.

“Did you just call Ki Train Wreck?” Surprise looked confused.

“We didn’t know his name in the hospital, so I named him Train Wreck,” seeing the green mares confusion, Swing Shift flashed into the pristine, hole-free form of nurse Zilia, “Remember me? It was really nice of you to come see him. He knew we were there. When ever you came to see him his love tasted all bitter-sweet.”

“So that… thing is one of your’s?” Princess Fast change addressed discord directly.

“Well, you know how it is,” the draconequus shrugged, “I have a student now, you remember little Wild Heart, right? Well one day when she’s all grown up she’s going to ascend into a chaos alicorn. So I figured I should make a test run first. You know, like Celestia did with Cadence.”

“Okay look guys,” Ki glanced in annoyance at the changeling who continued to pummel him, uselessly beneath their hooves, “I’ll clean it up. I Was always planning to clean it up. This seems a bit extreme for missing the toilette.”

“You fed from a comatose patient in a healing pod?!?!” Sweet Shift was genuinely horrified by Swings casual confession.

“How else could we talk?” the little drone snapped in annoyance, “He was trapped in his own brain!”

“I don’t judge you little one,” Discord stroked the Fillies head softly, “I took a peek inside that mixed up noggin of his, and he knew you were there. If he could know you were listening, he would have smiled.”

The little changle smiled wide, showing off all her shark teeth, “It was the only way I could know him at all. I could tell him about me while he floated there, but all I ever knew about him was what I tasted. I killed everypony in the world to bring him back. I regret nothing.”

“Professional curiosity,” Discord casually examined the back of his paw, “How DID you pull that off?”

“Okay, seriously” Ki’s three heads looked around in annoyance at the drones assaulting him, “You guys are getting on my nerves here. I’m pretty sure I can breath fire with one face and shoot lasers out the other, but I refuse to acknowledge the extra heads. It’s just too silly”

“I stole a card from the Blind Goat,” Swing beamed with pride.

The filly drew the card from her pocket. It portrayed a stylish brown stallion with a look of perplection, wearing a tie cautiously navigating a labyrinth of timepieces towards one of two ends, one a wall-eyed but comely grey pegasus mare, the other a slightly younger rose colored earth-pony.

“The Warden of Souls,” the goat stepped forward, “It represents a conundrum, an impossible choice… and in the end a decision not to decide. I need that back, if you don’t mind.”

-=-=-=-=-

The card pulled me outside of time. I don’t know how long I floated there before the words told me I didn't’ belong. I didn’t care. Eventually the words asked what I wanted. I wanted Train Wreck back. They asked what I would pay, and I still didn’t care.

I wasn’t part of time anymore. I was a part of his life. I was his co-worker and roommate Z-978. We were best friends. We laughed, we joked, we teased… and then on hearth's warming I told him how I felt. And it broke the whole world.

So I found him again, But he didn’t know me, and I didn’t know him. And we kept passing each other and it just hurt so much that I fell out of the world. And then I found his worst self. The him he doesn’t even name. The one who calls himself Nopony. And Nopony hid me away, he told me to stay in the closet in the basement because nopony wanted to see an evil little bug like me. So I did, because I knew he was right. And I hated him for that.

It might have been weeks, or years, he would sometimes throw me ponies to play with and I would have fun. I Would take away those dirty little ponies’ secrets and lies. And then one day he threw me Train Wreck. That day I knew that time had run out. And I lied to him. I hurt him, beat him, and cut him to make sure it wasn’t a trick. But I still lied to his face. I let him think it was real.

I tested him on every level I could imagine. And then in one stupid moment I couldn’t control, the train lead to where we always knew it was going. And he laughed. And I watched his sad laughter as he held my own corpse. And I stayed in that moment for a long time, until a lazy unicorn who couldn’t just look for her friend broke time, and I remembered the Blind Goat’s promise.

So while the stupid unicorn, and the stupid princess were fighting, I killed laughter. It was easy really. She was a stupid little pink filly with a stupid, straight little mane and tail. And then the tree just died too, because laughter was dead.

Without the tree there was no more friendship. By the time Nightmare Moon arrived the Solar inquisition was in in full swing. They killed each other quickly enough. Discord really did his best at putting the world back together, but bringing back order was never his thing. Sombra played a beautiful melody as the crystal empire burned beneath an eternal sun and moon. Tyrek just left.

And then, when I reached the end, there he was. I didn’t even recognize him, and he didn’t know me at all, but there he was. He had come back from death, the death of everything. And in the shadow of the valley of death, he brought me back my sister.

-=-=-=-=-

”Switch shift is so sorry! She should have never told you to come!”

“We all knew,” Split shift bowed her head, “We just thought it would be okay because we thought we would win.”

“I just wanted you to see how awesome we were. We were really gonna show those ponies,” Split Shift hid her face behind one wing.

“What happened to the other eight?” Swing Shift shuffled uncomfortably.

“They chose not to leave,” Sweet smiled sadly, “We all had our own reasons to leave or stay. I had to know what happened to our brothers and sisters. We always assumed they had took the blast wrong. But here you are…”

“They stood by the Queen, moron that she was,” Split provided, “They were loyal, and I respect that.”

“So us and switch are all that’s left of the Baker’s Dozen?” The little changeling reflected saddly.

“Before we found you, and you found switch, there were only two,” tears filled Sweet Shifts eyes.
“Okay, Are you done yet?” a brightly glowing three headed pony slammed the last conscious guard into the wall with his left tongue.

Chaotic Shiny (Ki): Setting Boundaries

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“Are you quite finished beating up my royal guards?” Fast change turned with amusement to the three headed pony, who by this point was glowing quite fiercely.

“Uh, yeah...sorry… about… that?” the former human looked around in honest confusion that he wasn’t the one who had been beaten into submission, “Uh… they started it?”

“Yeah,” Fast rolled her eyes, “I saw that part. I’ve more or less got your friends account of what’s going on, but where are you from? And what exactly are you?”

“Well, I’m human, or I was,” Ki shrugged, “And originally I come from one of the worlds where humans come from. I apparently got sidetracked into an alternate timeline where Equestria was at war with King Sombra. Which is also the only timeline in the universe where trains have breaks.”

“Well, to be fair, the train TRIED to stop in time in the real world,” Swing Shift pointed out, “You’re just really bad at being in front of trains.”

“Well anyway, that was apparently the only possible timeline where I didn’t immediately get hit by a train when the text dropped me here,” the former human-turned-three-headed-monster confessed, “So Pi… I mean Surprise, came looking for me. I’m not sure why, but she gave me a card from somebody called ‘The Blind Goat’, who I assume is that Goat messing with those cards over there.”

The card depicted a man involved in deep planning before a set of maps and charts. On his back rested a laughing baboon, that cast his plans into chaos as they were drawn.

“The Monkey’s Uncle,” the goat supplied as he reclaimed his card, “Confusion, and a path to happiness plotted through misery, the card also represents transformation and reconciliation.”

“Anyway,” Ki continued, “The card let me slip outside the timeline and escape going back to just being dead when time reset. Things went kinda crazy, and Discord turned me into a three headed tazzle-corn which I guess is this.”

“Discord?” Fast Change raised an eyebrow in warning.

“What? LuLu turns humans into bat-ponies all the time!” Discord protested.

“Hey!” Sweet Tooth objected, “Don’t call us bat-ponies!”

“Did you at least ask the human’s permission first?” the changeling Princess pressed her inquiry, “You know Celestia’s gonna be pissed enough about this as it is.”

“Fine,” the draconequus rolled his eyes, “Well, monkey boy, what do you think of your new horse suit?”

“Not bad,” the former human admitted, “And I was just telling Jake how I wished I had taken the transformation option when I’d joined the army…”

“But?” Fast Change asked the hanging question.

“It’s the three heads… that just seems a bit much,” the creature shuffled uncomfortably, “And the wings… I really got no use for the wings.”

“Fine,” with a snap of his tail, Discord exploded the extra heads into geysers of taffy which struck two recovering changeling guards, sticking them to the wall, “But the wings stay. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m not going to let Starbutt the Bearded one up me. If you want to be a plain old boring one-headed tazzle corn, so be it, but the wings stay.”

“I’m deathly afraid of being off the ground,” Ki explained in annoyance, “I’m never going to fly. Period.”

“The. Wings. Stay.” Discord insisted testily.

“Ooookay,” Fast Change rolled her eyes, “So if you’re happy being a melon-headed blue monster, I guess that’s that. Now for you two.”

Switch Shift began to panic again as Fast Change turned her attention to her and her sister, until surprise stepped in, “Don’t worry, Fast Change is super nice in this timeline, I promise she doesn’t work for Queen Chrysalis.”

“The two of you are severely malnourished,” Fast kept her voice even and gentle, “and little Swing Shift is clearly corrupted by negative emotions. We’re taking you back to the hive. You both need some time in a healing pod, followed by more time with your fellow changelings.”

“No,” Switch Shift stomped angrily, “I’m staying with Train Wreck!”

“No, your not,” Fast gave a tired sigh, “First, you're not even old enough to even consider leaving you with a pony. Second, there’s a screening process. By your own account you don’t even know this pony. You’ve yet to even call him by his proper name.”

“I don’t care!” the little changeling was suddenly, briefly a parasprite, easily slipping the bounds of her magical tether and rushing over to perch on her monstrous friend’s back and assuming her natural form, “You can’t make me! Train Wreck, make them stop! Tell the nasty queen you won't let her take me!”

“I think she’s right, at least for right now,” the tazzle pony admitted with a sad smile.

“No!” the little changeling clung to his back desperately, her forelegs locked in an embrace that would have strangled most ponies, “Please don’t send me away! I’m sorry I let you die! I’m sorry I messed up the whole world!”

“It’s going to be okay,” Ki reached around with his left tazzle snake and gently pulled the changeling loose and held her in front of him, “Listen, Fast Change is right, you need help. Medical help. You and your sister both. And I’m homeless and unemployed right now…”

“But I have an apartment,” the little changeling sniffled, “And if I have to I know how to make bits…”

“NO!” everypony in the room answered in unison before allowing Ki to continue, “Look, I’ll visit you at the hive everyday. You get better. You take care of your sister, she’s been alone in a dark place worrying about you for a very long time.”

This seemed to get through to the little changeling and she looked back at Switch Shift, and then back to Ki, “O- okay, then, but you have to come visit us. Every day! You promised!”

“Well, now that that’s settled,” Fast Change turned to Ki, “Thank you for that. And look, it’s nothing personal, but I’m very selective about who I let my little changelings leave the hive with.”

“Yeah,” Ki gave a closed mouth smile, “And I am sort of a monster.”

“Actually,” Fast change returned his smile with genuine warmth, “You showed considerable restraint with my guards. I could tell you were trying not to let anypony get hurt or I would have stepped in. And what you did for Switch just now… I meant what I said, she’s too young to leave the hive, and if you have any funny ideas, don’t think being train-proof will save you, mister! That said, I don’t see any problem with you two being friends and letting you visit…”

“Alright!” Switch Shift cheered before Fast Change interrupted.

“Supervised visits,” the changeling Princess said sternly, “At the hive.”

“Well, now that that’s all settled,” Surprise smiled brightly, “I have a bakery to run. Ki, if you need a place to stay, I’ve got an extra room in the basement. It’s no Pinkie Cave, but it’s cozy enough.”

The mare fished a convenient map out of her mane with “Just Deserts” marked clearly in crayon and handed it to the tazzle corn as she bounced out the door behind the departing changelings.

“Well, now,” Discord smiled dramatically, “All’s well that ends well, I suppose. Now I have to show you off to the princesses.”

“Hey,” Candy apple protested, “Who’s gonna clean up this mess?”

With a snap of Discords talons, the draconequus, the tazzle corn, and the mess in question were gone.

“William,” Candy Apple turned to Tarot and said evenly, “Don’t EVER do that again.”

Chaotic Shiny (Celestia and Luna): To Have Your Day in Court

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A harald trotted up to Celestia's throne as she presided over a hectic day court. The rumors of new alicorn royalty had thrown the noble houses into disarray and the reigning princess already had her hooves full. If there was any consolation at all, it was that her sister was standing by her, forgoing her daily rest to provide much needed moral support. The messenger whispered to the Princess of the Sun causing her to frown and roll her eyes, before giving a tired nod.

“What is it, sister?” Luna noticed her sibling’s irritation quickly.

“It’s Discord,” Celestia gave a resigned sigh, “He says he has important business with the court.”

“Surely he knows this is a bad time…” the Guardian of Dreams started then caught herself, “Of course he knows, why else would he be doing it.”

“At least he announced himself properly this time,” Celestia built her resolve against the coming trial against her patience.

“His Lordship of Chaos, Disharmony, and fusion-metal-polka,” the crier announced, “Discord would like to address the court, if it pleases your majesties?”

“I’m hardly pleased, but I’ll allow it,” Celestia steeled herself against the coming storm of inane silliness.

“Thank you your majesty,” The Draconequus approached the thrones with a wide grin, “Ladies and Gentlecolts, I bring you news today of a human's transcendance of life and death into a new form of…”

“Discord,” Celestia interrupted impatiently, “Everypony already knows about Silver Watch ascending to become an alicorn. Please say you didn’t waste our time with news we all already knew about.”

“Who said anything about Silver? Everything in the universe doesn’t HAVE to be about Silver Watch, you know. Sheez, you’d think the universe was named after him or something.”

“Are you suggesting that some other human has ascended into an alicorn that we are unaware of?” Luna raised an eyebrow.

“First, LuLu, I never said ‘ascended’, I said transcended,” Discord clarified with some annoyance in his voice, “And I certainly never said anything about any boring old ‘alicorn’.”

“Alright, Discord,” Celestia took the bait, “Out with it. At the very least, this promises to be mildly entertaining. What did you do this time.”

“Well, your majesty, and assembled rabble,” Discord turned to the crowd, “As some of you may, or may not be aware, there was a recent… kerfuffle in the space time continuum. Now MOST of the other villains of Equestria used their brief moments of triumph to simply carry out their ill-thought little power fantasies…”

“Does this have anything to do with my sister’s recent nightmares involving sad clown makeup?” Luna’s voice carried an edge, causing the lord of chaos to clear his throat and adjust the bow-tie that appeared for the sole purpose of being awkwardly adjusted.

“Well at least I didn’t blow up Equestria,” Discord said nervously in his own defence, “What I DID do was engage in a series of experiments at creating my own breeds of ponies while helping displaced humans adapt to Equestria.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow causing Discord to jump to his own defense, “Moon-butt turns humans into bat ponies all the time, so don’t look at me like that!”

“Hey,” an offended Lunar guard objected, “Don’t call us bat-ponies!”

“At any rate I drew inspiration from a nearby human parallel universe cursed with a plague of pony-polymorphism (I swear that’s a thing),” Discord continued his speech unabated, “And I created three completely new tribes of ponies. DIno ponies, stronger than any earth pony, some as big as train car!”

Ponies murmured to each other as Discord continued, “Dragon ponies. Capable of flying AND breathing fire, without any of that pesky reorganizing of perfectly nice RANDOM weather patterns. And finally (and I was especially fond of these) the tazzle ponies. Who needs hands when you can have tazzle snakes? Their smarter than any dumb old unicorn horn and oh the tricks they can do!”

Celestia placed a hoof against her forehead, seeing where this was going.

“Well, the only problem of course was that when time reset all my fun little ponies went back to being stupid, smelly, boring, old humans… or bat-ponies in the case of the ones Luna had already gotten too.”

“Hey!” the same lunar called out, only to be ignored.

“Luckily I knew of a human who had died alone in changeling pod right here in Canterlot Hospital…” Discord was suddenly interrupted by Luna’s fury.

“You didn’t dare?!?!” Princess Luna rose to her full height, “If that human was I think it was, he was under my express protection!”

“Well, you should do a better job of it next time,” Discord’s words dripped with scorn, “I obeyed all the rules. A soul passed from life, in a place outside of time, judged to be worthy of the greatest gift Chaos can offer… behold: The Tazzle-corn! The greatest accomplishment of Chaos in all the history of Questria!”

It appeared before the assembled court in a burst of balloons and confetti. Pinkie Pie detected this use of her schtick, but decided to let it slide this time. The monstrous thing glowed a bright sky blue, arcane symbols tracing and changing along it’s coat. It’s darker blue mane glowed like a black light, reflect of the colorful ponies. It’s draconic wings stayed tucked firmly at its side.

The creature's face was a mask of embarrassment as a single tazzle snake slithered from it’s mouth to scratch the back of it’s head, and it shrank back a bit from the scrutiny and said in a small voice, “I’m really sorry about this.”

“It’s a monster!” One of the day guards suddenly shouted, prompting the assembled court to erupt into pandamonium.

“Protect the Princesses!” Another guard took up the rallying cry, bringing full weight of the royal guard into play.

“Seriously?” Ki rolled his eyes and sighed, “Again?”

Chaotic Shiny (Ki): To Await Judgement

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“Stand down!” Celestia commanded, as her guards prepared to assault the newly arrived Tazzle-corn, “This creature is no monster. It has made no threat and composed itself with more manners than it’s creator!”

“Him,” Discord offered smirking, “Don’t call him an ‘it’, Tia, I mean, he’s standing right there.”

“Day court is recessed,” Luna’s voice left no room for Question, “We shall reconvene once this present matter had been decided… privately. Guards, clear the Court!”

“Clearing the Court” turned out to mostly involve keeping ponies from trampling each other in their rush to leave. In the end only the Princesses, Discord, and his monster remained in the court under the watchful eye of the royal Guard.

“You may be excused,” Luna addressed the guard captain directly.

“But, you’re majesty.” the captain immediately prepared to argue, only to be cut off by Celestia herself.

“We are dealing with the Living Embodiment of Chaos, and his self-professed ‘greatest creation’,” Celestia’s voice was edged with steel, “If they do harbor ill intent, you would serve Equestria to aid in evacuation of the city,” the alicorn gave a long-suffering sigh, “But I think Discord just wants to show off his new pet. You know Fluttershy’s not going to be happy with this, don’t you, Discord?”

“I fail to see why not,” the draconequus shrugged, “I mean really, what exactly did I do wrong?”

“To begin with you took advantage of a severely injured human!” Luna stamped a hoof angrily.

“How so? Did I use him to test experimental medical treatments using changeling pods and unstable dream magic? Hmmmmm?”

“That was only supposed to be temporary!” Luna argued, “I used the dream to keep him comfortable in a dream world that mirrored this one!”

“Luna!” Celestia couldn’t hide her distaste, “Please tell me Discord’s not talking about THAT dream spell!”

“There was truly no other way, sister,” Luna pleaded, “The human had been hit by a train. He was in so much pain that any lesser dream simply devolved instantly into a nightmare. The dream was meant to hold his mind together long enough for his body to heal in the changeling pod enough to survive transformation. It was the only way to save him!”

“Yes, and had it worked, it would have been a perfectly wonderful plan,” Discord waved his paw dismissively, “Unfortunately it didn’t work, and the human died.”

“Um… right here,” the blue tazzle-corn shuffled uncomfortably, “Kinda a weird thing be have talking about in front of me. Just saying.”

Luna immediately turned to the strange creature, “Are you truly the same human who got hit by a train months ago?” then she turned to Discord, “If this is some trick this won’t go pleasantly for you.”

“Uh, I guess I’m sorta him, I think,” the tazzle-corn shuffled in place nervously flicking his tongue-snakes, “I’m from a different timeline, I think? One that never happened. The nurse who cared for my pod in the hospital…”

“She’s in quite a bit of trouble,” Luna said sternly, “She lied about her qualifications to get the job. It was her inexperience that caused your death in this timeline!”

“That’s why,” Ki shook his head and laughed bitterly, “She felt guilty. She thought it was her fault.”

“She was, in fact, to blame,” Luna scowled angrily.

“She’s just a filly,” Ki’s manic laughter became unsettling, “She was a changeling filly, stuck here since the wedding invasion.”

“I don’t understand,” Luna’s face became a mask of perplection, “I talked to Nurse Zilia on several occasions. I can assure you she was a full grown changeling. We wasn’t even especially young.”

“If it makes you feel better, Loony,” Discord purred, “She had me fooled to. Even after I peeked inside Ki’s little monkey noggin, and trust me, you did yourself a favor staying out, but even after I saw her crawling all around his dreamscape, I thought it was her older ‘sister’. And yes, I know their changelings, technically they’re ALL siblings but trust me, I know weird, and these two are weird.”

“So, she was a changeling filly, masquerading as an adult changeling,” Luna mused.

“And any number of adult pony mares, for bits and love,” Discord said distastefully, “I would imagine Fast Change is making a list of ponies as we speak. You should really offer your assistance into her investigations. Probing their dreams might be less damaging to changeling reputation than anything she’s likely to come up with.”

“I honestly don’t know her,” Ki shrugged, “I met Switch Shift earlier today, starving and insane with grief, calling herself Pinkie Pie #7. She had dragged her little sister off to battle and got her killed. She wasn’t a bad changeling, really… just not all that bright. It turns out in this timeline, she was the one who got killed, her sister Swing Shift ended up stranded in Canterlot and sort of went feral. In the end, Surprise managed to pull us all out of it, and I convinced Swing Shift to go back to her hive with Queen Fast Change.”

“Princess,” Celestia corrected, “Her official title is Princess Fast Change.”

“Sorry your majesty,” Ki saluted with one hoof, nearly toppling himself and drawing a amused smile from the alicorn, who returned his salute.

“”The truth is, I don’t really know anybody here,” Ki confessed, “Or I guess it’s more accurate to say that none of them know me. I kinda wonder if Private Jake ever shipped with Captain Dash?Actually kinda wondered about that back home to. Because yeah, he followed her around cmp like a lovestruck puppy and she practically ignored him. At least in front of the unit. But she never actually stopped him. Me and Diane were kind of a public secret. I guess none of them would even know who I was now.”

“Well, he seems harmless enough,” Celestia smiled, “I am sorry you had to give up so much to make it here. I am afraid I have been quite rude. In our world nopony ever learned your real name. You hit by a train and immediately knocked into a coma. Who are you?”

Chaotic Shiny (Ki): Who I was

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“Who am I?” Ki fumbled with the words, “Well there’s a loaded question if ever there was one. The short answer is that I’m Sargeant Steen of her majesty’s army. I served Under Lt. Maud, mostly to keep me from being in Pinkamena’s direct chain of command. She saved my life. She stopped the train when nopony else could. But that’s really a dodge. The real question is who was I, before I came to equestria. There was a life that put me in front of that train, long before I ever even knew there was a place called equestria at all.”

-=-=-=-=-

Before there was Equestria, before there was Pinkie Pie, or Pinkamena, or Diane… there was madness. There was the instability that every day threatened to rip my life apart. The stigma that set me aside and made it okay to talk like you thought I couldn’t hear you. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was seeing the world on a level that no one else could, because it was easier to call myself “psychic” than “broken”. I grew out of it.

Fourteen years ago I met two people who understood. A sixteen year old girl whose family had mistaken her condition for demonic possession, and a 31 year old man who had been brain damaged in a bad car crash… think carriage crash, but with more metal and glass.

We were all artists and musicians. We all believed in witchcraft (that’s what humans call magic, it’s a rare thing, but not as unheard of as most humans believe). We formed a coven, which is a gathering of witches (that’s the human word for humans who believe in magic). You wouldn’t be wrong to think of it as herd of sorts. We were a family. We loved each other, very much and very deeply.

Sometimes we all lived together, other times I needed my own space away from them, and they never begrudged me that space. There was an understanding between us that comes with madness. Together we made art and music that was both beautiful and terrible. We descended into depths of drug abuse and depravity that dragged many around us into the abyss, but we pulled each other out. Time and again, when one of us would travel too deep into the depths the other two were there to pull them back.

We were brawlers, without a doubt. Even in the most violent of mosh pits, we didn’t just endure the violence, we brought it. How can I describe the beauty of the pit to ponies? That’s question I struggle with. It was both angry and friendly. Imagine a thousand ponies all fighting all at once, to the point that muscles tore and bones cracked, and yet at the end of it we all would laugh and we all would be closer friends for the ordeal we ourselves created. The laughter I think was the key part of it. Jack and Spright understood that. You had to laugh. You had to move past the pain.

Gwar was the Bloody Pit of Horror. So many humans, all beating each other down and laughing, packed so tightly that you could lift your feet off the floor and be supported by the mass of the humans beating you down. And there was never anger in that pit, only laughter. And the laughter washed away all the pain, and all the shame, and all the awkwardness of living with a malfunctioning brain. And then we’d go home, and we’d sprawl around on the various couches in our living room and we’d nurse our torn muscles and cracked ribs, and then we would laugh some more. We would sit around and watch reruns of Sid and Marty Croft and we would laugh at what spectacularly broken monkeys we really were.

And the laughter would wash away the pain, and the hurt, and the rejection that all the other humans threw at us, and we would all go to sleep like that, just lying about the common room. And when we woke up we would nurse our sore bones and muscles and we would make art, and work our garden, and brew our cider. It doesn’t sound like it, I know, but was a good life.

Me and Jack would work on small engines during the week. Lawn mowers, four wheelers, leaf blowers… lot’s of things used small engines on our world. On the weekends, we would hunt. You know that humans are omnivores, and I’m sorry because I know you find it distasteful, but most humans got their meat casually from giant “super” markets. To them it was never a real living thing, just a collection of food wrapped in plastic. We knew better. Meat was a thing you took. Jack saw a power in that taking. Perhaps that was the first early warning.

It was a happy life. On weekends we would gather scrap metal. Throughout the week I would tend the garden that kept us in vegetables. In the fall the pear trees would come into fruit and we would brew cider twenty gallons at time. Each week adjusting the mix, filtering out the pulp, and sipping the fruits of our labors. It was a good life. It should have lasted.

Then one day, Jack’s Dad said we could all move down to his auto shop. We could work on big engines, and grow our garden and have our happy simple life. All Jack had to do was reign in his younger brother. So Jack made a plan. He would go to South Georgia during the week and get things set up. He would come back on weekends and we would work our garden, hunt, and brew our cider, and then we would all go down together and we would work on big engines and have a happy life.

It didn’t work. We worked because when one of us would sink there were two more to pull them out. Jack Sank. Instead of reigning in his brother he fell in with him. He began using drugs again, bad drugs, the type I don’t even know if you have. And finally I had to leave.

I skipped town, following my own brother in the promise of a job that faded like the stars at dawn. Spright left to, months later, following her mother to Upstate New York. I tried to talk her into staying, to making a go of it together, but she said that in the end we were better off alone than feeding our own madness, and waiting until our relationship grew toxic. And then I was really and truly alone. I walked that line as long as I could. Every day catching a train to a job that never quite paid my bills. I thought every day about the past 12 years and the times when food wasn’t just something that came from the market wrapped in plastic. And then one day I came to hate that train. I wanted to spite it. I wanted to throw myself into it like it was some annoying bastard in a mosh pit. And I failed. And that’s when the text found me. And that’s who I was.

-=-=-=-=-

Luna swallowed hard, and a tear ran down Celestia’s face. For Discord’s part, he only bowed his head respectfully.

“He is a creature of chaos,” the draconequus said without flair, “He was trapped in his own body, and I felt a kinship with that. He didn’t free a hive of changelings. He didn’t save the Crystal Empire. He just got out of bed and tried to make the world better, even if he was bad at it, until the weight of it all finally broke him. I judged that to be enough.”

Just Deserts (Surprise): Some Splainin' To Do

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Remember opening theme music. I liked that thing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4bvEVQEYTc

It was late, and the bakery had long since closed when the knock on the door came. Surprise resisted the urge to dart to the front door at top speed. Instead she took a deep breath and reminded herself that the former human she was expecting wasn’t the same as the friend she had left behind to travel to the human world. In the end that had been the last time she had seen him or any of her friends. This wasn’t the human she had sheltered and comforted and playfully called “Charlie”. This was a copy of her friend who had never met her before last night, when she pulled him out of the time stream to keep him from reverting to the corpse that he was in this world when Starlight Glimmer’s time loop had reset itself.

So Surprise walked to the front door of her bakery with an uncharacteristic trepidation. As expected she was met by a softly glowing eldritch horror of a pony, standing nervously outside the glass door of Just Deserts. When he saw her he gave his own nervous smile and a clumsy wave of a hoof, still a little unstable in his unfamiliar four legged stance.

“You came,” the green mare smiled awkwardly as she unlocked the door and let her guest inside, “I was starting to wonder if you would…”

“It was… a trying day,” the creature sighed, a single tazzle snake slinking out to rub the back of his head, “Discord dragged me of to the freakin’ royal court to show off his ‘accomplishment’. Of course all the ponies were like, ‘It’s a monster!’. And then I had to answer about a million questions from the princesses themselves. I got lost three times trying to find my way here, and every time I’d try to ask directions from some pony they ran off screaming.”

“Well there’s no pony in here who’s going to call you a monster, Charl…” both ponies winced a little as Surprise caught her mistake, “I mean Ki. I’m really sorry, I meant Ki… I guess the Army Pinkie liked that nickname too…”

“It was Pinkamena,” Ki laughed sadly at the memories, “Only fresh out the words humans ever called her Pinkie, and they never made that mistake twice. Is it still okay if I crash in your basement? They offered me a room at the palace, but that just seemed kinda… I don’t know… weird..”

“Of course silly!” Surprised giggled a little, “I wouldn’t have said you could if it wasn’t okay. So, what did you think of this universe’s Celestia? Personally I think she’s a lot nicer than the Celestia from my my world… actually my world wasn’t really very nice at all. My friend Silver went there once. He called it a dream, but in a lot of ways I think it was more of a nightmare. To me it was just the world, and I never thought about it because to me it was always just the world and I just thought that was how Equestria was SUPPOSED to be…”

An awkward silence fell between the two, finally broken by the tazzle-corn, “Why are you so okay with… the way I am now. I know you were there when discord made me into this, but… I don’t know… you just act like it’s not something weird that you’ve never seen before. I think that’s a big part of the problem ponies seem to have with me. A friendly dragon or griffon they maybe could accept, but I’m a complete unknown. I’m a what-the-hell-is-that to most ponies.”

“Well,” Surprise started then paused unsure how to proceed, “I told you back in the time loop that I had some experience with time travel and alternate universes… and let’s just say I’ve been somewhere… you’re not the first human I’ve known who turned into a pony like you. I- I’ll tell you about it one day, but for now is it enough to know that I’ve seen this happen before, and I want to help?”

“Yeah,” Ki nodded, “That’s okay. There’s just so much I don’t get. Like why am I glowing? I wasn’t glowing to start with.”

“Well,” Surprise said thoughtfully, “Discord basically said that he was gonna make you into a combination of three different types of chaos ponies. On the world where they originally came from, Tazzle Ponies could drain other ponies with their outer tongues and hold the energy like a magic battery. You must have drained the changeling guards you fought with this morning. You’re not glowing as much now as you were then, have you eaten anything?”

“Now that you mention it, I haven’t,” Ki cocked his head to one side, “I really should be hungry, right now, but I’m not. I guess I hadn’t noticed because I’ve been so busy dealing with princesses all day.”

“Let’s get you something to eat,” Surprise bounced towards the kitchen, “Whether you feel hungry or not, you’ve got a big engine to run, buster. Do you like banana bread?”

“I absolutely LOVE banana bread!” Ki perked up immediately, “But what about this energy I’m storing? Will it just drain away on it’s own? Do I need to syphon it off? What if I get overcharged?”

“Hmmm, well, ponies like you weren’t super common so I’m not really sure,” Surprise looked thoughtful, “Discord didn’t tell you anything?”

He said my tongues, or ‘tazzle snakes’ as he called them were smarter than a unicorn horn and could do tricks,” the blue monstrosity shrugged, “I gotta admit I’ve been using them more or less like hands all day without giving it much thought. Also when I fought the changeling guards, they really did most of the work. Same with my hooves. If I’m not thinking about it they work just fine, if I try to really pay attention to what I’m doing, I do good not trip over myself.”

“Have you tried you wings, yet? It seems like flying would be super-fun!” the green pony asked as she cut two slices from a loaf of banana bread, a large slice making up nearly a quarter of the loaf for her guest and a smaller one for herself.

“Nope. No way. Not flying,” Ki stamped a front hoof for emphasis, vibrating the floor, before hastily adding, “Sorry about that, I guess I don’t know my own strength. Doesn’t it seem odd that Celestia would just let me leave that easily? I mean, I’m kinda a loose cannon. Discord clearly intended me to be his equivalent of an alicorn. He even suffixed “corn” for no better reason than to rub it in. I took out a squad of changeling guards mostly by accident, and I have no idea what I’m even capable of. And I basically told her that I was a suicidal madman before I came to Equestria and got for real military training.”

“Maybe she can just see that you’re really just lonely, but deep down you’re super nice and just need somepony to remind you of that,” the green mare bopped him on the snout, “Like I do.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Hiya Sun Chaser,” a Lunar guard landed on the roof-top behind a bright yellow and orange unicorn mare, “Can I assume we have the same orders?”

The mare raised an eyebrow, “Good evening Dream Catcher. I see the sisters are of the same mind.”

“Trust but verify?” the dark grey stallion nodded, “Mind the company?”

“Hell anything to ease the boredom,” the mare laughed, “If he’s a monster he’s the dullest one I’ve seen yet. Hell, I’m betting you would have decked somepony by no if they kept screaming monster in your face.”

“Don’t forget, he took out a full unit of Princess Fast Change’s Royal Guard without even breaking a sweat,” he lunar guard shook his head, “Admittedly the Princess says he acted strictly in self defense, and that her guards were in the wrong…”

“And that he showed remarkable restraint,” Sun Chaser pointed out.

“Still, just because he’s a nice, well-behaved monster, doesn’t mean he’s not a monster,” Dream Catcher argued, “Discord himself acknowledged that he was a creature of chaos, even when he was still human. We should remember that. Somehow, while in a coma, trapped in a changeling pod, this former human managed to snag the interest of the embodiment of entropy himself. I’m willing to bet Discord didn’t even tell ‘prize creation’ what he’s capable of. What happens when some poor pony panics and tries to drive off the ‘scary monster’?”

“That’s what worries me too,” the warlock sighed, “Look how you lunars get treated. What if Discord just did this to show the happy ponies who the monsters really were… and rub our faces in it.”

“What do you mean?” the lunar guards face screwed up in confusion.

“I was there when Discord came to court today,” Sun Chaser’s tone was grim, “He actually went to the trouble of announcing himself. Then he very carefully described exactly what he was going to show us all. The moment he summoned his creation the first reaction of the guards was, ‘It’s a monster!’. Do you know how that creature responded?”

“How?” the guards curiosity was peaked.

“He rolled his eyes and said, ‘not again’, you should have seen the smirk on Discord’s face,” the mare sighed, “But maybe his look of disappointment when Celestia gave the order to stand down was more telling.”

“Well, he is the spirit of chaos and disharmony, maybe he was just disappointed that he didn’t get to see his new pet bust a few heads,” the lunar stallion shrugged.

“No,” Sun Chaser bowed her head grimly, “The warlocks have studied Discord for generations. His history when he was trapped in stone, and his actual behavior since his liberation. His greatest weakness is, oddly enough, his twisted sense of morality. HE never hurts ponies… at least not physically. He never turns ponies to stone. I think this whole stunt is some twisted form of atonement. He helped save a helpless, wounded soul. Then he gave his creation the face of a monster and threw him into Equestria, to Canterlot of all places, the most judgemental corner of the entire kingdom, just to show all the ponies up on their high and mighty pedestals that ‘you're no better’.”

“On the other side of Princess Luna was Nightmare Moon,” Dream catcher bowed his head, “I can’t help to wonder what is the other side of the card for Discord’s ‘prince’. We have studied her fall for a thousand years, I promise, and this is where it starts.”

Just Deserts (Ki): Visiting Hours

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Retrofit Opening themes, because opening theme music is cool. DON'T JUDGE ME!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZZFiZaszf0

"Is that really necessary?" Ki asked as he watched the little changeling floating in the pod.

"I'm afraid so," Healthy Change, the changeling medic nodded gravely, "Little swing shift is severely tainted by corrupted love. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been for her living for so long isolated from other changelings. You can see what it's done to her natural form."

Indeed, the filly was almost unidentifiable as a changeling. Her normally blackened carapace was tinged a deep burgundy. Her head frill had been replaced by a dark pink, painfully straight mane, and her ears were replaced with spiny fins. Her mouth split wide, hanging open to reveal multiple rows of sharp, shark like teeth. And that was to say nothing of the gaping holes that covered her entire body.

"It's called feature displacement disorder," the medic explained, "Changelings are very social creatures, by our very nature. Being cut off from her hive, and essentially in hostile territory, at such an early age while her body was still developing she locked onto a form that mimicked to the ponies that surrounded her. The teeth and ear spines were, no doubt a defensive adaptation."

"Will she get better?" the concern in the former humans voice was clear and unmistakable.

"Well, the holes will go away eventually with continued pod therapy, and she can assume pretty much any form she wants," the medic shook her head, "But this is her natural form, now. An adult changeling could eventually be coaxed back into his or her original form, but this happened while her body was still developing. In short, what you're looking at is, in essence, her original form. That said, she's quite the prodigy when it comes to shape-shifting. With time, and therapy she'll be able to live a perfectly normal changeling life."

"That's good," Ki smiled, then turned to the adjacent pod, "What about Switch?"

"Her case is both simpler in some ways and more complicated in others," HEalthy Change sighed, "Physically it's just a case of extreme malnourishment. She should be back up on her hooves in a matter of days."

"But?" Ki asked the loaded question.

"But there are any number of other issues," the changeling lowered her head sadly, "To start with there's quite a bit of brain damage brought on by such extreme and prolonged malnourishment. Additionally, she associates all changelings beside herself and Swing Shift with Queen Chrysalis. We had to restrain her to keep her from 'freeing' the pony volunteers who were in pods donating love."

"That couldn't have been easy," Ki gave a low whistle, "I've fought beside her in the time slip. She's a real scrapper, that one."

"Then it's true? You're really the human who died in the hospital?" Healthy change asked in earnest.

"Vetted by the ruling Diarchs themselves I'm told," a large leader changeling walked in, "Hello, I'm Stand In, second in command to Princess Fast Change. So you're this ‘Train Wreck' I've heard so much about."

"Yeah... I'm really sorry about your guards, I hope I didn't hurt anybody," Ki fidgeted nervously, fighting to keep his lower jaws moving together and not gesture absently was his oral appendages.

"Nothing more than a few bruises to remind them not to pick fights carelessly," the changeling waved off any concerns, "I have to say, I absolutely love that particular human terminology. 'Nobody, somebody, anybody', it's so much more inclusive than pony-speak. We all have bodies after all. Follow me please, we have things we need to discuss."

“Okay,” Ki shrugged and fell in line behind the changeling leader, “I’m glad to hear there’s no hard feelings. So you guys came from Chrysalis’ hive?”

“Yes, we were liberated by Prince Silver Watch, and the Warlocks,” the changeling nodded.

“Wait, is this prince a brown unicorn who used to be a human, by chance?” Ki cocked his head in recognition.

“I am unaware of the details, but yes, I believe that is correct,” Stand In confirmed.

“Be damned, I knew him, or a version of him anyway,” Ki chuckled a little, “Looks like Private SIlver finally got a promotion, good for him.”

“I don’t pretend to understand what you’re talking about, but that’s not what I came here to discuss,” the changeling stopped and turned suddenly, “To be blunt, what is your relationship and intentions concerning those two changelings?”

“Well I only met them a couple of days ago, at least I think it was a couple of days,” Ki shook his massive head, “All this time travel shit’s got my sense of time all discombobulated. But the point is, I don’t really know them that well. I traveled with Switch. I like her okay I guess. She’s good in a fight, and she seems to be well intentioned, if not quite right in the head.”

“What about Swing Shift?” Stand In made it clear this wasn’t a question to be avoided.

“That’s trickier, you see,” Ki shuffled in place, “I don’t know her. But by all accounts she seems to know me. Which is weird, because I’ve been assured I was in a coma the whole time I was in equestria.”

“The filly is quite smitten,” Stand In said gravely, “Nobody's quite sure what exactly she did while time was in flux. But it most certainly involved you.”

“And that makes this whole thing really awkward,” Ki nodded in agreement.

-=-=-=-=-

“So,” Sun Chaser asked her companion, “What’s a lunar pegasus doing in the day guard?”

“I became a guard before Princess Luna's return,” Dream Catcher supplied readily, “ I’ve served her majesty for nearly twenty years. Was I supposed to up and jump ship just because the Princess of the Night came back? Besides, you're a member of Princess Luna’s Warlocks, and you don’t get much more solar than a bright yellow unicorn named ‘Sun Chaser’.”

“Fair enough,” the unicorn shrugged, “Two days, now, and all this pony-monster’s done is hide in the basement of a bakery and visit the local changeling hive. This is the worst stake out ever.”

“Maybe when he goes back we could pop in the bakery and grab a bite,” Dream Catcher suggested, “Maybe drop a few subtle question?”

“You just want an excuse to eat sweets on duty,” the unicorn rolled her eyes.

“Doesn’t make it a bad idea,” the guard winked.

Just Deserts (Swing Shift): You Can't Stop Me

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Retrofit Opening themes, because opening theme music is cool. DON'T JUDGE ME!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na-SXD2lA-s&list=PLj6UDp0Oh5HH6Bxk3th7zm3XgQ8oY00k3&index=38

Ki noted happily that fewer ponies were screaming “monster!” and running away in panic each day he walked this route. On the other hoof, it irked him that there were also fewer ponies on the streets at this time of day along his route from Just Deserts to the changeling hive. But overall, it meant that at worst, ponies had decided to content themselves with leaving him alone, and by and large, he liked being left alone. It was close enough to call it a win.

Overall, he was fairly contented with his new lot in life. On the one hoof, he had been transformed into a terrifying beast of a pony by the living Embodiment of Chaos. On the other, it actually beat waging war against the armies of King Sombra as a middle aged human. He was still kind of, sort of with Pinkamena (in that Surprise was kind of Pinkamena, and they were sort of a thing). And he was in a fairly good mood because Healthy Change had said they were going to let Swing Shift out of the pod today so they could actually visit, and that made him happy for reasons he couldn’t adequately explain but assumed had something to do with the various time-travel-induced paradoxes that seemed to make up his life these days. So, over-all things were looking up. As always, that was when things went sideways.

“Psst, Train Wreck,” An orange unicorn mare with a poofy red mane called out to him from an alley and he idly wondered if he should use a hoof or a tazzle-snake to face-palm, “Train Wreck, it’s me Swing, I broke out!”

“Swing Shift!” the tazzle corn glanced around quickly before realizing that he was nearly twice the size of any normal pony, looked like a cthulian horror, that it was useless to try and be at all sneaky, and finally just rolled his eyes and walked casually into the alleyway, “What are you doing out of the hive? You’re gonna get us both in trouble!”

“They’re keeping me locked up in a stupid pod,” the juvenile changeling groaned, “They weren’t even letting me out when you came to visit!”

“It’s a medical procedure, Swing,” Ki sighed heavily, “And they let you out today specifically so you COULD see me when I came to visit.”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t see why they can’t just let me stay with you,” the changeling filly stamped an angry hoof.

“Because the Princess and Stand In are trying to look out for you,” Ki shook his head, “They want to make sure you don’t end up with someone… er… somepony who’s going to take advantage of you, or make you do something you shouldn’t be doing at your age.”

“You mean sex,” Swing Shift said flatly, “You can just say ‘sex’. I know what sex is. I’ve been living on my own since the invasion, and that’s pretty much the quickest way for a changeling to get a pony to feed you. Besides, I can be any age I want.”

“You’re really, really not helping your case Swing,” Ki rolled his eyes, “Besides, you really do need the pod therapy. You’re looking a lot healthier already. So how about I take you back to the hive, and you finish your therapy. Besides, you know Switch Shift's gonna panic if she comes out of her pod and you're not there.”

The little changeling looked guiltily about and ran in a cute little circle, “I- I didn’t even think about that! Okay, I’ll go back, but can I ride on your back?”

“Okay,” the tazzle-corn gave a lopsided smile, “But you have to take your natural form.”

“But the ponies will see my holes!” little Swing Shift protested.

“Well that’s what you get for running away before you got done with therapy,” Ki chuckled.

“But what if they’re scared of my teeth?” she persisted.

The monstrous stallion grinned wide, splitting his lower jaw to let out his tazzle snakes, each of which bore a grin of it’s own, “I promise you, if they’re gonna be scared of anypony’s smile, it’s gonna be mine.”

As the pair left off towards the changeling hive, with the smaller monster steering the larger by the ears, neither noticed the red unicorn watching them from the rooftops. A lunar guard glided into a landing beside her, his arrival followed by a bright yellow unicorn in a flash of teleportation.

“Good afternoon, your majesty,” Dream Catcher greeted the changeling princess, who dropped her disguise and smiled at the guard and the warlock.

“Well,” Fast Change grinned, “It’s good to know if he had turned out to be some kind of creepy weirdo I had backup. After the incident at the tavern, I didn’t want to bring any of my changelings.”

“So, was this some kind of test, then?” Sun Chaser raised an eyebrow.

“Not a deliberate one,” the princess shook her head, “That little ball of trouble was Swing Shift. She’s one of the anomalies from the time slip. We’re trying to help her at the hive, but she doesn’t really want our help, and ran off first chance she got. Since she can look like pretty much anything she wants to the only way I could think to find her was to case out Train Wreck.”

“Train Wreck?” the yellow unicorn asked curiously.

“The big one, that’s what all the changelings call him,” Fat Change shrugged, “I figured sooner or later she’d go straight to him, and I’d just wait and see how it played out. It went better than I could have reasonably hoped for.”

-=-=-=-=-

“And that’s how my day went,” Ki stretched out on his bedroll while Surprise kneaded his massive shoulders like dough between her hooves, “Man, that feels really good. Didn’t even realize how tense I was. Anyway, I was gonna ask, how would you feel about adopting a changeling? If I can okay it with Princess Fast Change that is.”

“I thought Fast said Swing Shift was too young to leave the hive,” Surprise reminded the massive pony-thing.

“Well, yeah,” Ki gave a contented sigh, “But if she’s just gonna keep running off and following me around until I drag her back for her therapy, why not just cut to the chase, and she can stay here with us?”

“‘Us’, hmmmm?” Surprise purred coyly.

“Well… I mean… I thought…” Ki stammered.

Surprised leaned impossibly upside down in front of the monster and booped his nose, “You know, you don’t have to sleep in here on the floor, I have a perfectly comfy bed, right down the hall.”

“I doubt your bed would support my body mass,” Ki snuggled into the green party-pony, “Remember what happened to the chair upstairs?”

“I could get used to a bedroll, I supposed,” Surprise yawned, “Tomorrow we really have to finish those citizenship papers, are you gonna take a pony name, or just keep your old one?”

“I was thinking about that,” a single tazze-snake stretched out to hit the light switch, “What do you think of ‘Train Wreck’?”

Just Deserts (Z-978): It's a Fine Name

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Retrofit Opening themes, because opening theme music is cool. DON'T JUDGE ME!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_umD2rGiok&index=56&list=PLj6UDp0Oh5HH6Bxk3th7zm3XgQ8oY00k3

“There can be no doubt at this point, your majesty,” Stand in spoke plainly, “Her biology and growth cycles are simply too far off for a drone, or even a leader caste changeling.”

“I had my suspicions from the beginning,” Fast Change shook her head, “As you’ve said, there are enough physical signs to put the case beyond any doubt, but we should have known from the other Shifts. The way they referred to each other as ‘sisters’.”

“It’s true, changelings generally don't have sibling relationships,” the changeling leader nodded, “Given that every drone is technically the sibling of every other drone. Especially free willed or clever drones may develop such relationships over time, but the Shifts are neither of those things.”

“Which means that they are following instructions,” Fast Change Concluded, “The question is who’s instructions?”

“At this point, it’s safe to say their orders come from Swing Shift herself,” Stand In noted, “Even not knowing what she is, those drones were obviously deliberately bonded to her very early on.”

“It’s not the first time we’ve heard of this happening,” Fast Change paced nervously.

“There was an active effort to remove proto-queens before they could be discovered by Queen Chrysalis,” Stand In admitted, “Both for their own protection, and in the hopes that one day one might come back and free us from the tyrant’s rule. In it’s own way, the plan was not unsuccessful. After all, you are almost certainly descended from changeling royalty.”

“How long has this been going on, then?” Fast Change asked suspiciously.

“Bad rulers raise future bad rulers,” the changeling leader shrugged, “It is the bane of monarchy. Chrysalis is not the first tyrant our hive has suffered under, though her misrule may see that she’s the last, if only because there will be no hive left to suffer. We’ve been doing this for generations.”

“Why was I not told about this,” a cross edge lined Fast’s voice.

“In short, you were,” Stand in said without emotion, “You were made aware of Nicole Foalman before you even ascended into a true queen. I have have kept you up to date on Swing Shift since we became aware she existed. Obviously no records. The birth of a changeling queen is not common. This is not an issue I expect to become commonplace.”

“Something is coming, Stand In,” Fast closed her eyes and thought carefully, “Since that damned unicorn in Ponyville set time on it’s ear, Silver has ascended, another human came back from the dead as… whatever Train Wreck is, and now this. The question is, what do we do with her? She needs to be protected, and if we’re honest, equestria needs to be protected from her.”

“If I might make a suggestion,” Stand In began, waiting for a nod from her princess to continue, “Fate’s hand is clear for all to see. A second Element of Laughter falls into the world. She brings a human back from the dead who is bonded with our troublesome changeling in ways that transcend time itself. In short, at least she came with her own foal sitters. In the mean-time I would suggest paying this ‘Blind Goat’ a visit and finding out what he knows.”

“About that,” Fast Change admitted, “I have been looking into him, and… I don’t think we want to know what he knows.”

-=-=-=-=-

“Switch Shift has no holes!” Switch pranced around in a little circle in front of her friends, “She is pretty, and clean, and pure as the yellow snow, yes? Maybe?”

Train Wreck fought his three jaws to keep from laughing out loud, and Surprise couldn’t suppress a giggle before booping the changeling on the nose, “You’re the cutest changeling in the hive, Pinkie Promise.”

“I’m officially a citizen of Equestria, my name is officially Train Wreck, and my tribe is officially tazzle pony. Because tazzle-corn is stupid. It’s a stupid name and a bad idea, I don’t care what Discord thinks,” The disgruntled pony thing stuck out his middle tongue, which in turn stuck out it’s tongue at the invisible Draconequus.

“Train wreck is a good name, maybe? Yes,” Switch nodded, “Tomorrow Swing Shift will be clean, also. The changelings say Switch Shift’s sister will be leaving with you?”

“We’re right down the street, Switch,” Train Wreck smiled fully, and without reservation, “Me and you and Surprise are pretty much the most exclusive club in Equestria. Even the humans come from somewhere that happened.”

“Because Switch shift is dead,” the changeling mare bowed her pretty head, “Because all the bad changelings and all the ponies trapped in the pods don’t exist.”

“Because in a lot of ways, none of us are real,” the tazzle pony smiled sadly, “I’m not Ki, not the Ki this world started with anyway. Just like Surprise isn’t Pinkie Pie.”

“I think what Train Wreck is trying to say, is that you have a chance to start over now,” Surprise laid a foreleg over the changeling’s withers, “You don’t have to be tied down by who you were anymore.”

“Switch Shift would like that,” the changeling smiled brightly, “From now on Switch Shift will be Z-978! That is a good name, yes? Perhaps?”

“That’s not actually…” the tazzle pony was interrupted by a very unsubtle hoof to his ribs.

“That's a very pretty name Z,” Surprise smiled brightly.

Where the Pieces Fit (Surprise): A Place To Call Home

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I honestly can't think of a better opening them for this arc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXO0g8QDtVo&index=39&list=PLj6UDp0Oh5HH6Bxk3th7zm3XgQ8oY00k3

“This will be Swing Shifts room,” Surprise walked the Changeling Princess through the downstairs of Just Deserts, somewhat nervously, “Me and Trainwreck will stay in this room right next door.”

“I notice there’s only one bed?” Fast Change pointed out quizzically.

“Well, Train Wreck prefers to sleep on the floor,” Surprise rubbed the back of her head awkwardly, “And it’s really iffy whether or not we could find a bed that could support his body mass… or a chair… or a scale for that matter… I know it’s hard to believe, but he’s actually much more massive than he looks.”

“I see,” the Princess nodded, “That actually makes a lot of sense, given what I’ve seen. On a more personal level, how would you describe your domestic life? What’s your daily routine?”

“Well we get up pretty early to prep the bakery,” Surprise answered thoughtfully, “Train Wreck helps in the kitchen and cleans the dishes. He mostly tries to stay out of sight during business hours because he’s worried his appearance might chase off business.”

“Has it?” Fast asked with some sympathy.

“Pffft,” the green mare rolled her eyes and flipped her mane carelessly, “Maybe a little at first, and there have been a few snooty-pants nobles who’ve stormed out in outrage, one in particular thought it was just disgusting, the idea that Train Wreck would use his snakes to prepare food. So I pointed out that everything they had ever eaten at my bakery had in fact been in an earth pony’s mouth at some point, so how was this any different? He swore to place a complaint with the board of health. Either he didn’t, or they must not have cared, because nothing came of it.”

“Ah, so aside from running the bakery, what’s your daily life like?” Fast Change gently prompted the conversation back on topic.

“Well, we go out and shop in the evenings. Train Wreck likes to make his visits to the hive during the lunch rush, which is a little annoying because it’s the second busiest part of the day, but it’s also when we get the most new customers. And if anyone's gonna flip out it’s gonna be a newbie. All the regulars are already used to him,” Surprise stopped long enough to take a quick breath before continuing, “Usually he gets back in time for the big rush, when all the foals get out of school.”

“That would seem like the time he’d be more worried about scaring off business,” Fast raised an eyebrow as Surprise fought back a fit of giggles.

“Are you kidding? You must be kidding,” Surprise laughed despite herself, “The colts and fillies LOVE Train Wreck. Can you imagine, when you were little, going to a sweets shop where a real honest-to-goodness monster serves you cupcakes?”

“Huh," the Princess cocked her head to the side, “Well when you put it that way, that does sound pretty cool. But what I need to know is how does Swing Shift fit into this?”

“Well, I’ve been looking into schools, but I’m having some trouble finding one that will take a changeling,” Surprise admitted, “Or would she report back to the hive for schooling?”

“Actually, that’s one of… several issues that I’ve taken into consideration,” Fast change became thoughtful, “All the changelings at the hive are either adults or larvae. Schools aren’t something we had anticipated needing yet. I think I could pull some strings and get her enrolled in a good school, and perhaps provide a private tutor to fill in any gaps that are only pursuant to changelings specifically. The most important thing here is having her interact with ponies her own age. And I’m glad you’ve already given it some thought.”

“Does that mean we make the cut?” Surprise asked excitably.

“It means there are still steps to take,” Fast Change corrected, then smiled, “But I’m certainly not saying no. Most of the time when I do this, it’s for adult drones who want to live with adult ponies. Sometimes it’s for romantic reasons, sometimes it’s employment. This is something more akin to an adoption. That said, I’m not sure where the law stands on this, but you might be required to officially get married to finalize this. Are you alright with that?”

“I’d have to talk with Train Wreck,” Surprise twiddle her hooves in embarrassment, “I don’t think he’d say no, in fact I’m sure he wouldn’t. We’ve just been taking things nice and slow on that count. How much do you know about us? Where we came from I mean?”

“I know Train Wreck is purely a bi-product of Starlight Glimmer’s time loops, that the original human named ‘Ki’ from this timeline is very dead. Celestia and Luna even went to the trouble of having his grave exhumed. He was still there,” Fast Change said in a matter-of-fact tone, “I’ve been assured that he’s been vetted by every means available to the crown, magic and otherwise, and he is almost 100% certainly exactly who and what he claims to be. In short I probably know more about Train Wreck than you do.”

“As for you,” Fast Change continued without interruption, “I know you just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You attached yourself briefly to the Watch family before striking out on your own and opening this bakery. You’ve been confirmed by this world’s Pinkie Pie to be the Element of Laughter from, and I quote, ‘A Super Not Very Nice Subliminal Demi Plane’. Does that about cover it?”

“Weelll,” Surprise cocked her head one way and then the other, “Yes and no, you’ve got most of the facts right as far as this world goes, but there’s a lot you're missing because it didn’t happen here. One minute, let me transition into a first-person narrative and I’ll explain.”

“Wait, what?” Fast change blinked twice in confusion.

-=-=-=-=-

I’ll start with Train Wreck. In his own Timeline he was a human soldier fighting against Sombra’s armies. He was older than most of the soldiers, and had none of the advantages of any of the pony tribes. Still he followed Pinkamena straight out onto the front lines, fighting Sombra’s armored soldiers with nothing more than a heavy iron rod. I don’t think he would have left that world, as horrible, as the war must have been, even knowing he was going to die, he would never have left Pinkamena by choice. But he didn’t have a choice. Because I couldn’t just leave him like that, not again.

You see, there was a Ki on my world to, except he didn’t appear in front of a train, or maybe he just got out of the train’s way. Either way, he never told me about it. I found him eating out of dumpster behind Sugar Cube Corner. I let him live in my Pinkie Cave downstairs. And no, it is not just a room in the cakes basement. It was my superfun party hide-out! Your Pinkie Pie has one too. Just ask her.

We were really close friends. Sometimes at the very edge of more than friends. The one thing between us, was I never believed him. I thought his stories of alternate universes, and insane conspiracies where the princesses locked humans in horrible dream worlds was just something he was making up. At any rate I was way too busy being the element of laughter to have anything to do with THAT kind of relationship. So instead of following my heart, I listened to the old Pinkie-noggin and set up a job for him with a friend of a friend far enough off from Canterlot that maybe he could relax and stop being afraid that Celestia’s “Solar Inquisition” was going to find him and turn him into a pony. Possibly a girl pony, because he swore that’s what they did in all the other timelines.

And I kept telling myself I was going to go back one day, and maybe we’d give being “us” a shot. Then I followed another group of humans back to their world where a plague was turning humans into ponies like Train Wreck. All the types Discord described, and several others to boot. I… don’t like to talk about what happened there. The important thing is that when it was time for me to go home, well, home just wasn’t there anymore so I came here instead.

I was really sick when when I got back, and Silver took me straight to the hospital. While I was there I went around the wards, throwing little parties and doing my best to cheer up the other patients. And that’s when I found him. There was Ki, maybe not my Ki, but still I couldn’t help but think, there was my friend, floating in changeling pod, waiting to die. The doctors said there was nothing anypony could do for him at that point, and they were just keeping him comfortable until he died.

I was really depressed after that. And maybe I got a little too clingy with Silver… don’t look at me like that. He was the only pony in this world who even knew my home had ever existed at all. I had just been reunited with a friend I’d lost with my whole world, only to find out that in this world he was… Just don’t judge me. I didn’t cross any lines. Like I said I may have gotten a little too clingy, but that was just a Surprise being Pinkie Pie thing, and I Pinkie Promise I had no intentions to come between Silver and his wife. But it made things kinda weird and awkward. Well more awkward than usual, and then the time loops happened, and the Blind Goat asked me to do him a favor, and when I found out what it was… how could I say no?

-=-=-=-=-

“So I guess you could say me and Train Wreck have an unusual history together,” Surprise finished her narrative, “We had talked around the idea of just where we were going with this whole ‘us’ thing, but we really thought we had plenty of time to figure it out…”

“Until a certain changeling filly started running away and stalking Train Wreck,” Fast Change nodded, “Well mariage may or may not even be an issue, like I said I’m not sure how Equestrian adoption law works specifically. Nor am I certain how much wiggle room I have as the Princess of Changelings. By the way, why do you have a tiki statue in your room?”

“We… uh, don’t?” Surprise admitted unexpectedly, “I’m not sure where that came from.”

“Swing Shift…” Fast Change rolled her eye’s with irritation.

Where the Pieces Fit (Train Wreck/Swing Shift): Somepony to Shove

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Surprise giggled, “Stop worrying and get those cupcakes iced before school lets out.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the tazzle pony rolled his hoof and laughed, “Ironically the only ponies who don’t scream and run away when I enter the room are school children… or foals. Whatever.”

"You really cheer up the foals," the green mare laughed easily.

"Their parents don't seem quite as happy..." Train Wreck grumbled as he continued his job.

"Oh please, maybe the first time," Surprise waved the issue away like waft of smoke, "They learn you're a good pony in no time at all."

“Are you sure Swing is in Pod Therapy today?” the blue tazzle pony asked suspiciously, “I have the weirdest feeling we’re being watched.”

“Oh come on,” the mare rolled her eyes, “She only did that that one time, yesterday, when I was getting interviewed by Princess Fast Change.”

“Yeah, we only caught her that one time. From now on I’m just going to assume that she’s listening in on whatever I’m saying, just to be safe,” the monster insisted.

“I’m telling you Train Wreck, she’s in the pod for the rest of the day for therapy,” Surprise rolled her eyes.

"She could be a lamp,” Ki said nervously, as he iced a batch of cupcakes, “I don't remember if there were two or three lamps in here before, but there are definitely four now."

“There were always four lamps, silly,” Surprise laughed musically, then gave a suspicious look in the corner, “Although I don’t remember that bean-bag…”

“Ah-ha! Caught you!” Train Wreck pounced, cornering the helpless bean bag in its corner as Surprise dissolved into peals of laughter, drawing a slump of defeat from the giant pony-beast, “And you just pranked me didn’t you?”

“Ah, don’t be like that,” the green mare licked a wayward spot of icing off the stallion's face, “I got you a bean bag! Just wait till we close up to try it out in case it explodes when you sit on it… Ooo, there’s the bell. I’ll go man the counter, you be ready to bring out the fresh batches as they get ready.”

-=-=-=-=-

“No,” Z stamped her hoof angrilly, “Z-978 has told her sister she is not Pinkie Pie Number Seven! Please do not call Z-978 Pinkie Pie Number Seven… or Number 7… or Pinkie Pie… or Seven… or any combination of Pinkie Pie and numbers. Z-978 is not just one drone in a series of Shifts who are supposed to watch her sister. Do not call Z-978 a Shift. She is Swing Shift’s sister, not a mindless extension of Swing Shift. Swing shift cannot just tell Z-978 to be Pinkie Pie! Z-978 is the name that Train Wreck and Surprise call Z-978, because Z-978 chose that name for herself!”

“But you can’t be Z-978!” tears welled in the little changeling’s eyes, “I was supposed to be Z-978! That stupid green pony is obviously going to be Diane, and now if you’re Z then who am I supposed to be? It’s not fair, I’m being written out of my own prophecy!”

“Z-978 does not understand,” the older changeling danced nervously in place, “Surprise making a place in her home so Swing Shift can stay with Train Wreck. And why would Swing Shift be Z-978? That does not make sense at all. Z made up the name Z-978. It is a good name, but it is not Swing Shift’s name, it is Z’s.”

“Train Wreck doesn’t even know me,” the little changeling flopped on the floor and sobbed helplessly, “I was supposed to be Z-978! He was supposed to call me Diane! And I was going to call him Charlie…”

Unsure what to do, and honestly confused as to what was even wrong, Z-978 simply held her sister as she cried into the night.

-=-=-=-=-

“Does it seem weird to you?” Surprise whispered as she curled up next to her impossibly massive stallion.

“You’ll have to be more specific,” Train Wreck yawned broadly, stretching his mandible-like lower jaws in tandem, “I’m a eldrich horror sleeping with the ghost of my marefriend from another universe. Weird is kinda relative, and not much qualifies anymore.”

“Well, let’s start with the ‘I’m a monster’ thing,” Surprise frowned, “because seems to bother you a lot.”

“What bothers me is that every single pony I meet but you, and Z, and Swing, always assumes I’m some kind of monster,” the giant pony shrugged, “And it doesn’t matter how friendly or how polite I am, and yes, before you say it, I know most of ‘em get over it pretty quick, but it’s still always going to be a thing no matter what I do, no matter where I go. Every new pony I meet is going to assume I’m some terrible fiend until I bend over backwards to prove I’m not. And even then, most are always gonna be on the lookout in case it’s a trick and I’m trying to get their guard down.”

“I can’t really argue with that, because you’re not wrong, exactly,” Surprise let out a heavy sigh, “You’re so much like him sometimes… you know?”

“You mean Charlie, right? Your Ki…” Train Wreck drew into himself a little, “That’s the weird part, to tell you the truth. It’s like I’m some replacement that can never quite be what anyone remembers.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Surprise protested.

“It’s not just you,” the monstrous pony curled into a ball and sulked, “Actually it’s worse with Swing Shift. At least with you and me all the cards are on the table. I don’t know if I even want to measure up to whatever it is she wants out of me. I don’t even know what it is that she wants out of me. She apparently went to a lot of trouble and did a lot of really shady things to bring me back from the dead. I owe her a lot, but I don’t think I can be whatever it is she expects. It seems like the poor kid kinda got ripped off, because at the end of the day, the poor bastard in that pod wasn’t me. Just like I’m not Charlie. But at least you get it. There’s me and you, and sometimes it’s sad and awkward, but you don’t expect me to be someone who’s never coming back.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Surprise wrapped a foreleg around her lover’s barrel. "Just get some sleep, tomorrow it will all be better.”

Where the Pieces Fit (Surprise/Swing Shift): If The Truth Be Told

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Surprise came to in a strange room, tied to a chair. A juvenile, burgundy changeling paced in front of her, while a larger drone stood guard by the only visible door.

"It's not enough for you that you get to have all the snuggle-time with Train Wreck while he treats me like a little foal, is it Surprise?" Swing Shift accused angrily, "You had to go putting ideas in my sister's head, too!"

"You know Train Wreck's gonna be pretty mad at you when he finds out about this, missy," Surprise warned, "Why don't you untie me before you get in any more trouble. We can all go back to the bakery and talk about whatever this is over some juice and cookies."

"Don't try to change the subject!" the little changeling stamped her foot, "Switch Shift is supposed to be MY drone! I was supposed to be Z-978, not her! I told her she could be Pinkie Pie #7 again, but she won't listen! She's my drone, she's supposed to do what I say!"

"Swing Shift, honey," Surprise kept her voice surprisingly level, "I'm trying to be super patient with you, but it's not nice to call ponies by names they don't like being called. Z loves you a whole lot and..."

"She's not Z-978, she's Switch Shift! And she's my drone!" Swing dropped her flank to the floor, pounding her front hooves in a full on tantrum, "If I tell her to pretend she's Pinkie Pie, she has to pretend she's Pinkie Pie. If I tell her to pretend she's my sister..."

"Pear Cobbler, Diane," Surprise's voice chilled the room.

Little Swing shuffled away from the mare in abject terror, "How could you... it's not possible! HOW COULD YOU KNOW CHARLIE'S SAFE WORDS?!?!"

"Because he didn't make them for you," the mare grinned maliciously, her mane somehow falling even straighter, "I tried to go easy on you, I really did. But Charlie was mine long before Celestia ever stuffed him in that nightmare you found him in. I thought I was sending him to a safe place, but Celestia found him and sent him into an even worse nightmare. You know why Train Wreck doesn't recognize you."

"I- I don't know what you're talking about!" the little changeling stammered.

"He recognized me, in a weird sort of way he even recognizes Z, and technically they never even met in the nightmare," the green mare explained coldly, "You can't lie to yourself, the goat told me your curse. So why doesn't he know you?"

"Make her stop!" the filly commanded her guard, who continued to watch passively.

“Ask yourself, ‘Train Wreck recognizes his relationship with everypony else from the dream world, even if he doesn’t remember how or why? Why doesn’t he recognize me?’ You know the answer,” Surprise continued coldly, “I want to hear you say it.”

“Why are you doing this?” Swing Shift sobbed.

“You don’t want to say?” the green mare raised an eyebrow, “Then let’s try another question, why is my Charlie dead? The pod therapy should have kept him alive. Or how about THIS little doozy: Why were all your drones running around in the middle of a war zone pretending to be the Elements of Harmony when Stand in had specifically told them to use the chaos to sneak you to safety? Why did your ‘sister’ die? All these questions have one answer, missy. I don’t care how much Train Wreck likes you, I’m not letting anypony in my home who keeps secrets and tell lies that big, so you better come clean, now while you still have a chance.”

“I just wanted to play pretend,” Swing shift sobbed, “I didn’t mean for anypony to get hurt. Especially not Charlie. I thought I could handle the pod. I had seen drones do it, and it didn’t look that hard!”

“The first question should be easy, then” Surprises voice softened, if only slightly, “Why doesn’t Train Wreck recognize you? He should, you know. Even without his memories.”

“Be- because the whole time I was in the dream… I always pretended I was somepony else, because,” the little changeling hesitated, having clearly forgotten who was supposed to be whose prisoner, “Because I didn’t want him to treat me like I was just a foal.”

“You are just a foal,” the changeling drone guarding the door vanished in a flash of green fire to reveal Princess Fast Change, “The rest of you can come in now.”

The first through the door was Z, she was clearly angry and hurt, and stomped straight up to Swing shift with tears in her eyes, “You think Z-978 was PRETENDING to be your sister?!?! After she saw you die she spent so much dark lonely time hiding in that empty pony city, starving and living off only the love of the rats that would be her pets! She would only ever call herself Pinkie Pie #7 because that was the last thing her sister asked her to do before she died! Was that pretend too? You tell Z-978! Z-978 IS your sister, but apparently to the stupid little queen Z-978 is only her drone!”

“I… didn’t mean it like that,” the little changeling cried.

She was Quickly followed by Sweet Shift and Split Shift, Sweet speaking for them both, “None of us are your drones anymore. Split and myself are returning to our duties at the hive. You have a lot to make up to your sister darling. For her sake more than yours I hope she can forgive you.”

Both drones left the small room, making space to accommodate Train Wreck’s massive form, “I don’t know what you wanted me to be in the dream. I don’t know what you thought was going to be between us if that other me had ever woke up. But I do know it would have been a lie just like the lies it would have been based on.”

Swing Shift sobbed uncontrollably, until Train Wreck reached out with a tazzle snake and pulled her into a much needed hug, “But what I can be is a big brother. I can be an uncle. I can be a guardian and that’s NOT a lie.”

“Everypony in this room is here because we care about you,” Surprise stepped forward and wrapped a foreleg around the little changeling, “But we can’t help you if you lie to us.”

“Z-978 is Swing Shifts sister because she loves her. She is Swing shifts sister because she believes Swing shift can grow up to be a good queen,” Z stepped forward to join the group hug, “But Z-978 cannot play make believe with her sister anymore. When Swing Shift plays make believe ponies get hurt.”

“I think we’re done here,” Fast change smiled, “I’ll have my guards escort the four of you home. There’s still formalities and paperwork. You’re not a perfect family, but I know a little about imperfect families. If you need anything, the hive is just a few blocks down the road.”

The Embarassing Story of Train Wreck Pastel (Diane): Defining Relationships

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“So you’re okay with me being Diane? Really,” Swing Shift scrunched her face in confusion, “I… actually feel pretty silly, now.”

“You drugged and kidnapped me, missy. Forgiven, but NOT forgotten,” Surprise snorted grumpily at the shark-toothed changeling filly.

“We all took new names,” Train Wreck chuckled, “I actually figured you were gonna take Diane a while back. We’d talked about it, back when I was memorizing all the stuff we had large or small enough for you to copy.”

“Oh,” the little queen cocked her head to one side, “But I thought… You and Surprise…”

“We have a rule,” the giant monster turned his head away, “I don’t call her ‘Diane’ and she doesn’t call me ‘Charlie’. Because we’re not each other’s ghosts. But you can be Diane, if you want to be. We all get one name change with the Family Certificate.”

“We also have to define our relationships,” Surprise scrutinized the form carefully, “Ooo, and we have the option to pick a family name! Can we have a family name?”

“I vote Shift!” Swing shift inserted predictably.

“Z-978 will NOT be a Shift, she has told her sister that many time,” the irate changeling glared at her little sister, “Z votes that we should be ‘Team Mongoose’!”

“How about Zephelburg?” Train Wreck suggested at random.

“When I was in the human world I learned that the word for ‘pie’ or ‘cake’ in one language, was the same word for ‘brightly colored’ in another,” Surprise smiled thoughtfully, “How about Pastel?”

“You mean I get to be Diane Pastel? For real?” Diane danced excitedly, her old name all but forgotten.

“I think we’re outvoted, Z,” Train Wreck chuckled.

“Z-978 Pastel is alright with this,” the chitinous mare smiled.

“Alrighty then,” Surprise filled out the name in the space provided with the pencil held firmly in her agile mouth, “ Now, Diane will officially be registered as our daughter, but there’s space on the paperwork to further define our specific relationships. Obviously Z and Diane are sisters. Are you okay if I put you down as my little sister? Me and Marble always were the ‘little sisters’, and I’ve always wanted to be the ‘big sister’.”

Diane shuffle in place uncomfortably, causing Surprise to cock her head in concern, “What’s wrong honey?”

“All the changelings at the hive call Princess Fast ‘Mom’,” the little changeling admitted, “I already have a sister, but my only mother is a stupid evil queen who doesn’t know I exist. I was hoping… it’s okay, you’ll be a great sister…”

The green mare scooped the toothy, spikey little filly into a massive hug, “I would be, but I’m gonna be too way too super busy being a great mom. Which brings us to Train Wreck. Father?”

“Changelings do not have fathers,” Z-978 pointed out sagely, drawing a nod from Diane, “It is a thing that would not make any sense.”

“Well, I’m really kinda old to be a ‘Big Brother’, my youngest brother back home is old enough to be Diane’s father… if changelings had those,” Train Wreck interjected, “How about Uncle? I had nieces and Nephews back home, and I’m pretty good at being an Uncle.”

“Yay! Uncle Train Wreck!” the little changeling flew up and perched on the back of the giant monster, steering him by the ears with her hooves.

“So that covers Diane. Z, we’ve got a box for Second Wife, Co-wife, and Sister that all look appropriate. You know, I think they’ve updated these forms specifically for Silver’s herd,” Diane said thoughtfully, “So what are we?”

“Surprise is Z-978’s sister and her friend, are there boxes for those two things? Can Surprise check two boxes?” Z inquired, inquisitively.

“There are, and she she can. Check and Check,” Surprise nodded, “What about you and Train Wreck? Wife?”

“Z-978 loves Train Wreck. She trusts Train Wreck. Z-978 does not have the kinds of feelings that would make her a wife. These are feelings that Z-978 does not have. Z does not lay eggs, and she does not need to go through those motions so Train Wreck will feed her. Is Train Wreck too old to be Z-978’s big brother?”

“I always wanted a little sister,” the beast’s eyes misted with liquid feels.

“Which brings us to the obvious, husband, check, wife, check, and… Oh! There’s an “other” option under ‘Official Title’, so no boring old Mister and Missus, for us,” Surprise’s eyes glittered with mischief, “So I will officially, in the eyes of the law be ‘The Unspeakable Pinkie Pie, Surprise Pastel’! No argument, no debate. This world’s Pinkie Pie can just settle for plain old vanilla Pinkie Pie!”

The declaration was met with the approving laughter of her family, when Train Wreck threw in his two bits, “In that case I will henceforth be, ‘The Cracktacular Cannibal Head Train Wreck Pastel!”

They all laughed and nuzzled as Surprise filled in the last of the paperwork before speaking, “So, Canterlot Wedding?”

“I was thinking Crystal Empire,” Train Wreck Suggested, “They’re having a Royal Chrystalling coming up. I figure it’s a free all you can eat buffet for Z and Diane, and we can take our vows afterwards. Fun, relaxing family outing. What could go wrong?”

The Embarassing Story of Train Wreck Pastel (Train Wreck): Educational Conciderations

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“Hello, my name is Miss Shade Fire.” the tiny umbrum hovered in front of Diane, “I’ve heard that you’re going to be our school’s first changeling student.”

“I… uh...guess so,”the changeling filly stammered with clear embarrassment, “I’m… uh… Diane. Hi? You’re a lot smaller than I expected my teacher to be.”

“Diane,” Train Wreck admonished his ward, “That’s not polite.”

“It’s quite alright,” the umbrum mare smiled, addressing Train Wreck directly, “I can appear larger if there’s a need, but I prefer to interact with the foals in my natural form. So I understand your daughter will be starting classes in two weeks?”

“Yeah,” the tazzle pony nodded, offering a close-mouthed smile, “We taking a little family outing to celebrate. I saw an article in the paper about the upcoming Crystalling, and when I looked into it, it seemed like just the thing. All that magic love flying around and all.”

“Yes,” the teacher smiled back, “I never thought of it that way but it does seem like a perfect event for family with changelings.”

“Thanks for taking Diane,” Train Wreck continued awkwardly, “We’d been having a bit of trouble finding a school that would, and it was one of Princess Fast Change’s condition on the adoption.”

“Well, attitudes in Canterlot can be… trying at times,” Miss Shade Fire admitted, “But we here at Decanter Elementary pride ourselves on teaching the youth of numerous species in an inclusive environment. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you exactly? The wings are off for a lunar pegasus, and I can honestly say I’ve never seen a pony as large as you who wasn’t raising the sun.”

“I used to be a human,” Train Wreck rubbed the back of his head with one hoof, “Then Discord decided it would be fun to turn me into… this.”

“Oh, my! I’m so very sorry,” the umbrum expressed her honest sympathy.

“I don’t mind, I was probably going to get turned into a pony sooner or later,” the massive creature shrugged, “Seems to be the pattern with humans. And at the end of the day I was always an alien in Equestria…”

“Oh, wow, it’s that monster from the bakery!” a blue colt with a blonde mane who Train Wreck recognized as one of their regular customers.

“Don’t call Train Wreck a monster!” Diane flew over and stomped a hoof at the colt flashy her shark-like teeth menacingly.

“Woah, sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it,” the colt backed up quickly, “Is he your dad?”

“Changeling’s don’t have dads, everypony knows that,” the filly held her head up high, “Uncle Train Wreck and Surprise adopted me.”

“That is SO cool!” the colt pranced around giggling, “You get to live at Just Deserts? Wow, I’m Indigo Zap, I’m learning lightning magic. Check it out!”

The colt scrunched up has face with effort and sent a small bolt flying into a nearby wall where it promptly bounced back and hit him square in the face, causing his now singed mane to stand straight up on end.”

“Smooth move, Zap,” a gryphon cub laughed as she approached, “Don’t mind him, he’s just trying to impress the new filly before she figures out what a doofus he is.”

“Don’t call me doofus, feather-brain!” Zap huffed in indignation.

Shade Fire fluttered in immediately, “Okay you two, no name calling, “We want to set a good example for our newest student.”

“So,” the griffon grinned, “You’re gonna be going to school here, too huh? I’m Glenda. Come on, we’ve got a little while before class starts, I’ll show you around.”

“Hey, I saw her first!” Zap protested, “I should be the one to show her around!”

“Why don’t you both escort her. Just be back here before class begins. Miss Diane won’t actually be joining us till her family returns from their vacation.”

“Yes Miss Shade Fire,” two nodded and headed off with Diane in tow.

“That went well,” Train Wreck smiled, “I’ve seen the colt before, he’s a regular at the bakery.”

“I’m not surprised, I’ve heard stories about the infamous Cupcake Monster of Just desserts,” the umbrum couldn’t completely suppress a laugh, “I had to apologize to quite a few of my students when I thought they were making up stories at first.”

“Yeah,” Train Wreck chuckled a little himself, “It was pretty hard for us at first, we lost a lot of business because… well because of how I look. There was a lot of ponies yelling ‘monster!’ and running around in panic. It was little fillies and colts that turned it all around. They started daring each other to go in and buy sweets from the ‘scary monster’, and then pretty soon the other ponies started feeling silly, and now it’s something of a draw. We actually get more business from the novelty of it.”

“If it’s not too personal, how did you end up adopting a juvenile changeling,” Shade Fire asked, “As I understand it, changelings don’t generally have the kind of family units associated with ponies.”

“Diane got separated from her hive and had to live on her own in Canterlot since the invasion,” Train Wreck explained, “Princess Fast found her and took her into the hive, but for reasons I’ve never been entirely clear on, Diane kinda imprinted on me and kept breaking out of the hive to follow me around. Eventually everyone involved just decided this would be easier than me taking her back to the hive constantly. That’s the short version.”

Train Wreck noted that as they had been talking a steady stream of fillies, colts, and one young minotaur had been steadily entering the school house.

Finally an energetic tangle of technicolored youth of varying tribes and species emerged surrounding an excited Changeling filly who promptly flew up and landed between Train Wreck’s massive wings.

“This is gonna be great!” the filly proclaimed, “I’ve already made two friends, and everypony was really excited to meet me. I almost wish I didn’t have to wait till we get back from the Crystal Empire to start. One of the ponies in my class is a crystal pony, and she was super jealous when she heard we were going to the chrystalling!”

“I’m glad you liked it dear,” Shade Fire smiled, “We’ll all be looking forward to seeing you in class when you return. Alright now everypony, it’s time to begin today’s lesson. You’ll have plenty of time to get to know Diane once she returns from her family trip.”

The umbrum led away the slightly dissapointed students as Train Wreck and Diane made their way back to the bakery. Train Wreck couldn’t help smiling. It had been a pleasant morning, and tomorrow they would begin their first outing as a real family.

The Embarassing Story of Train Wreck Pastel (Celestia): Travel Restrictions

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"What do you mean I can't the use the railway?" the monstrous pony thing glared at the clearly terrified train attendant.

"I'm sorry s-sir," the attendant stood his ground, though Train Wreck suspected the poor stallion might wet himself at any time, "By order of Princess Luna's warlocks, I can't allow you to board this train. Even if you did the train wouldn't leave the station with you on board."

"But we were supposed to go to the Crystal Empire!" Diane stomped her little hooves in protest, "Uncle Train Wreck didn't do anything wrong!"

"Is there a problem here?" two burly lunar guards approached the family, "If you want to cause trouble, we can have the whole lot of you freaks locked up!"

"T-that hardly seems necessary sir," the attendant interjected, "They weren't causing trouble and their frustration is quite understandable!"

"You wanna tell us how to do our job, sunshine?" the larger lunar pegasus leaned in and flashed his teeth, "Cause we can drag you in right along with the freaks!"

"Do you honestly think you could drag me anywhere against my will?" Train Wreck raised a brow, "The two of you literally couldn't drag my weight without help. There's no trouble here. Flap off before you start something you can't finish."

The larger guard looked like he was going to say something, so Train Wreck let his lower mandible slip open just enough for his snakes to peek out. The guard quickly turned to the attendant, "I'm gonna remember you, sunshine!"

With that both guards flew off in a huff, the larger glaring back.

"I really am sorry sir," the attendant shrunk back before the massive beast, "I can offer you a refund on your tickets if you'd like?"

"Not your fault," the tazzle-pony sighed, "Look, let me talk this over with my family."

The family of oddities drew into a close huddle, with Surprise being the first to speak her displeasure, “I can’t believe this. I’ve got half a mind to march right up to the castle and give that meany-pants Luna a good talking to!”

“Calm down,” Train Wreck interjected, “It’s not as bad is it sounds. And I can see their point. I am a giant monster named Train Wreck. You and the girls go on and see the Chrystaling, and I’ll stay home and watch the fort.”

“There’s no way!” Diane argued hotly, “If Uncle Train Wreck’s not going I’m not going!”

“Z-978 will not go without her sister!” the older changeling chimed in.

“Diane,” Train Wreck turned to the adorable little shark toothed abomination, “I really don’t want you to miss this. And I know you don’t want your sister to miss this. It’s a Royal Chrystaling. There’s probably lasers made of magic love or something. Besides, there’s probably not gonna be another one for a really long time, so if you don’t go who’s gonna tell me about it?”

The changeling’s face scrunched up as she tried to find a hole in the reasoning, before she finally blurted out, “But you'll be lonely all alone with the bakery shut down… and bored! You hate being bored!”

“I’ll be fine,” one of the monster’s tazzle snakes darted out and gave the little changeling a kiss on the cheek.

“We can take pictures at all our stops,” Surprise suggested brightly, “And we can mail them all back from each stop and when we get home, we can have a super-fun ‘Welcome Home Party’ and tell Train Wreck about everything that happened.”

“I guess that would be alright,” Diane agreed dubiously, then turned to Train Wreck, “But only if you promise you won’t get too lonely.”

“I’ll be fine,” Train Wreck laughed sadly and before speaking to each of his partners, “I’m gonna miss you two, Z, help Surprise keep an eye on Diane.”

Goodbyes were said, tears were shed, ending in a massive group hug. It was only a slight surprise when some pony on the far end of the platform shouted, “That monster's attacking that mare and those two changelings!”

It was quickly answered by another pony shouting back, “Give it rest, can’t you see they’re just hugging?”

Only to draw the response, “Well, it’s hard to tell, he has snakes in his mouth!”

-=-=-=-=-

“The crown will now hear the petition of Train Wreck Pastel for redress of grievances,” Celestia was unsure what to expect from this audience. As trying as Discord could be, his newest protege seemed by all accounts she had heard to be a fairly reasonable pony. Indeed he was well liked in the Changeling Court, despite, or perhaps because of his initial brawl with the royal guards.

“I’d just like to know why the warlocks put me on a list forbidding me from using the railway,” the massive beast said plainly without preamble.

Celestia was not at all surprised, though a little disappointed when a heckler in the back shouted, “Oh come on you’re a giant monster named Train Wreck!”

“I can see why this would be of concern to you,” Celestia said thoughtfully, “But the warlocks are under my sister’s command. Perhaps you should be bringing this petition before her court.”

“Yes,” the winged tazzle pony mused, worked his lower mandibles in frustration, “That would be the thing to do, except every time I try to schedule an audience her suicidal Night Guard try to pick a fight with me. I mean, between the warlocks forbidding me to leave the city and the Night Guard trying to run me out of town I’m getting really mixed signals. It wouldn’t be half as bad if I hadn’t found out about this travel ban when I got to the train station with my family to leave for vacation this morning.”

“That IS rather unfortunate,” Celestia nodded with genuine sympathy, “I had heard about your domestic union with my friend Surprise, and that you had adopted two changelings from Princess Fast Change’s hive. I hear nothing but good things about you from that front. Congratulations on your new family Mr. Pastel.”

“Thank you your majesty. I’m just glad they weren’t included in the travel ban,” Train Wrecks stance softened considerably, “This would be an angrier conversation if Diane had to miss the Royal Chrystalling. It’s all she’s been talking about since we decided to take the trip.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow slightly at the news, before smiling warmly, “Well, perhaps I’ll see them there. It’s seems like ages since I last spoke with Surprise. I am truly sorry for this inconvenience, and I can promise you that I will bring all the issues you have raised to my sister’s attention. Was there anything else Mr. Pastel?”

“Thank you your majesty, and no,” Train Wreck smiled at the diarch and bowed slightly.

“Then you are excused,” the Princess of the Sun politely dismissed her subject, “And please feel welcome to address this court with any future issue which may arrive. It is why we hold these proceedings, after all.”

Author's Notes:

Something that I hope comes through here is the Munsters/Adam's Family references. I think the Pastels are more in the Munster camp. They're not ponies who live like monsters. They're monsters who live like ponies. But they are monsters. Train Wreck and Diane are just outright monsters. They're just like, "Yep, we're monsters. Just don't call him/her a monster while I'm around. It's perfectly okay to call ME a monster, because... well I'm not a vampony and I do cast a reflection. Z-978 is a massively insane changeling drone. She really tries hard. She's not stupid and don't call her that.Surprise, while on the surface the most normal pony in the group, has laid waste to entire worlds. Because seriously, if you haven't read Pink Step, you should, just so you can properly understand the fucked upness of what I'm going for here.

The Embarassing Story of Train Wreck Pastel (Train Wreck): A Gathering Storm

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“Rough break,” A large brown Lunar Pegasus chugged down a mug of hard cider before returning it to the bar, “I can’t believe she made you go out on a date with that damned insane sun-pony!”

“I tried to get out of it,” Midnight Belle complained as his nursed his own mug, “I thought for sure the crazy whorse would back out when I suggested we go to the Belfry?”

“You actually went back to the Belfry?” the larger stallion raised an eyebrow.

“Well she was supposed to back down,” Midnight reiterated, “She certainly wasn’t supposed to drag me downstairs to get a reading from the goat!”

“Heh, so finally had a chance to set the record straight with that damned goat, huh?”

“Yeah, just like you finally got a chance to show that chimera-pony-thing what’s up, Stormy?” Midnight countered.

“Shut up! What do you know about it???” the burly pegasus bristled, “That train attendant better watch his step. He’s on the list!”

“Heh,” a third, deep grey lunar mare walked up to the bar, “Yeah, Look at big bad Stormy Night. He didn’t have the nerve to swing on the giant monster, so he’ll just pick on an innocent sun pony.”

“Dammit Moonbeam!” Stormy griped, “You weren’t there either! We bust our chops standing up for these pansy little sun ponies! It’s bad enough that half of ‘em treat us like we’re the monsters, but then to have one side with an actual monster over one of us? You ask me, that giant freak should be run out of town, and his stupid freak show of a family right alongside ‘em!”

“Stormy’s got the right side of it!” a deep blue pegasus stallion found himself a place amongst the other three, “Back in my day we had respect for tribes. And that’s the problem right there!”

“Oh please, Starless Night,” Moon Beam rolled her eyes, “By all means enlighten us on the evils of intermarriage between the tribes.”

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, missy!” the older stallion gruffed, “You think I’m so old fashioned, but let's look at the root of this whole problem: Our princess chose that damned Sun Prince over us. Why do you think she has Midnight sucking up to that insane unicorn? I’ll tell ya why, because she figures that’s her ‘in’ to get into his damnable herd! Our princess knocks one of her own chosen ponies on his flank just so she can get a chance to lift her tail for some freak of an alicorn she made out of a damned monkey!”

The other three recoiled in shock at their compatriot's vitriol. All three sat in stunned silence as the older disgruntled stallion continued, “In my day, a father’d whip his daughter till she started thinking right if she so much as looked that way at a sun pony! Now you got lunars shacking up in herds with sun ponies, half-breed whorses lifting their tails for goats…”

“Hey, Sweet Tooth is a nice mare!” Midnight interjected only to be interrupted by Stormy Night.

“She’s a goat fucking freak is what she is!” the belligerent guard insisted, “You know those two were raised as brother and sister don’t you? It ain’t natural! Just like that herd of freaks running that damned bakery. An earth pony, two changelings, one of them still a juvenile, and a damned out-and-out monster! And ponies actually send their foals into that place! I say the old timers right! Back in the old days we had ways of dealing with shit like this!”

“Well,” Moonbeam got up and turned to leave, “As intellectually stimulating as this little chat has been, I’m taking a flight, wanna join me Midnight?”

-=-=-=-=-

Train wreck gave a heavy sigh as he settled into his bedroll for the night, looking longingly at the telegraph in front of him. He’d already read it of course, and sent his reply along to the next station. Overall he usually found he didn’t miss earth technology, but if the truth be told he’d do nearly anything for one good skype call to his family. Lacking that he settled in and read the words on the page.

“We made it to Ponyville -end line
Diane got to meet Pinkie -end line
Turns out I’m not the only pony to use transdimensional travel to bring back the dead -end line
You should get real letters by tomorrow -end line
We miss you -end line
Diane says to tell you she misses you more -end line”

The monstrous pony stretched all three of his jaws in an all consuming yawn before pulling his blanket in place. Today had been a good day. He was almost ready to believe that he could maybe be accepted here, even in his new, even-more-alien form. As he began to drift to sleep he was called to alert by the sound of breaking glass, and coarse shout. The words were unintelligible but their sentiment was clear. He briefly considered whether or not to even deal with this problem tonight when a troubling smell reached his nose.

Outside a shout rang out clearly into the night, “Fire! There’s a fire at Just Deserts!”

-=-=-=-=-

In a blind alley a shadowy figure greeted an approaching deep brown lunar pegasus stallion.

“The deed is done your majesty.” the stallion bowed deeply.

“And were there any witnesses?” the figure in the shadows asked in a husky feminine voice.

“Of course your majesty,” the stallion answered evenly, “At least three ponies saw the Lunar guard the beast argued with yesterday fleeing the scene. He will be easily identified.”

“An excellent performance my dear Whatserface,” the darkness was split by a sinister smile.

The stallion disappeared in a flash of green flames, replaced by a changeling mare, half of her face and one eye obliterated by scar tissue, “It is always my pleasure to be of service, Madame Alias.”

The Embarassing Story of Train Wreck Pastel (Train Wreck): The Cleansing Flame

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Train Wreck raced up the stairs, only to find himself trapped by walls of searing flames. Outside a crowd gathered as the fire spread to the neighboring building, forcing the ponies within to flee for their lives. Inside the massive beast that was Train Wreck Pastel charged for the front window, his draconic wings instinctively closing in front of him as he hurled himself through the wall of fire and the bakery’s display window.

As the giant pony rolled haphazardly to his feet he noted the general panic around him. He quickly found one of his neighbors, an orange earth pony stallion who owned the hat shop across the street, and like many of the vendors in this district lived inside his shop.

“Fancy Cap,” Train Wreck flagged down his neighbor frantically, “What the hell is going on? I was just about to go to bed when… hell…”

“It was the Night Guard,” the pony said gravely, “I saw it all from my shop, some big brown bat-pony just walked up and threw a bottle of flaming oil or something right through your shop window! He even screamed something about herds of freaks weren’t welcome in Canterlot. He didn’t act like he was even worried about getting caught.”

“So this was an attack on my family then,” the monster worked his mandibles angrily, causing his neighbor to back away nervously, “Thanks, Cap, you’re good ponies.”

It was then that he noticed a group of ponies holding back a yellow earth pony from the also-burning tenement next door to the bakery, “You don’t understand! My daughter’s still inside there! She’s trapped!”

“There’s nothing anypony can do ma’am!” a stallion tried to reason with her.

“Where’s your daughter?” Train Wreck trotted up to the group.

“Second floor,” the mare cried, “third door on the left.”

“You’ll never make it through! The fires on the first floor are too intense!” one the stallions shouted as the behemoth charged head first into the inferno.

The ponies outside had not been mistaken the flames inside were blistering. Train Wreck pulled his wings into tight shield began to make his way up the burning stairwell. On the second floor hallway the situation was nowhere near as grim, though he had to stay low to the ground to find breathable air. The door was jammed but was easily swept aside after a warning shout and a sweep of his massive head.

He found the green unicorn filly huddled in a corner in her room and instantly recognized her as one of his regular customers. “Wintergreen?” He asked gently, and at her answering nod continued, “It’s me, Train Wreck from next door. You mommy sent me to get you out of here.”

“But what about the fire?” the frightened filly asked in a tiny, terrified voice.

“It’s okay, just get on my back and stay under my wings,” he kneeled to allow the filly to climb onto his shoulders and crossed his wings, insulated the filly but leaving himself exposed, “It’s going to be alright. We’re going to get out of this just fine, I promise.”

If the trip up the stairs had been difficult, the trip back down was pure agony. The flames scorched the fur and seared the flesh of Train Wrecks unprotected face and chest. He hoped his precious passenger was faring far better, and was relieved to feel her tiny hooves clinging tightly to her perch. As he cleared the flames and approached the front door he was staggering.

Unsure if he could even make the last few yards, he opened his wings and turned to his tiny passenger, “Run straight through that door, your mother is waiting outside.”

-=-=-=-=-

Stormy Night surveyed the destruction below him with a grim sense of satisfaction. He kept telling everypony that sooner or later that damned monstrosity was going to rampage, and then they’d be screaming for the Night Guard to come and save their sunny little flanks. It looked like he hadn’t had to wait long.

He could see that damned turncoat, Dream Catcher playing crowd control. That was about the only thing the Day Guard was good for. The lunar pegasus landed just in time to see a green unicorn filly flee in terror from the flaming building. He saw the massive shambling horror of scorched flesh begin to emerge from the inferno and leapt into action, charging the beast and bucking him square in the center of its monstrous head.

Already weakened, the monster staggered back into the inferno, and the burning floor supports gave way, no longer able to support the creatures incredible body mass. Train Wreck Pastel plummeted into the dark and smoky abyss and Stormy Night turned to what he expected to be cheers of appreciation.

Every face before him was a mask of horror and outrage. He began to hear angry mutterings. The mother of the filly he had just saved from that monster glared at him with hatred in her eyes. The lunar pony looked around in confusion. What was wrong with these ponies? It was at that moment that the ground beneath them shook violently, and the burning tenement collapsed into a smoldering wreckage.

Dream Catcher approached with a bright yellow unicorn mare he recognized from the warlocks. The Lunar Day Guard had neither humor nor mercy in his eyes, “Stormy Night, You are under arrest for the murder of Train Wreck Pastel.”

The warlock’s gaze was equally grim, “Please resist arrest, I really want you to give me an excuse to hurt you right now.”

Aftershocks traveled along through Canterlot towards the mountain, and Just Deserts burned long into the night.

Why We Laugh (Diane): The Boogie Pony is Real

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The train rolled on, winding it’s way north. In a lonely sleeper car three mares slept quietly sharing a bunk. Surprise and Z-978 slept nose-to-tail circling little Diane who twitched restlessly in her sleep. Deep in the filly’s dreams, a past that really never happened pursued her relentlessly like some predator in the night.

“Cupcake dear,” the malicious changeling stallion with no real name of his his own smiled at the little filly, “You have to look older than that. It’s hard enough to get ponies to love an ugly little bug like you as it is…”

“You’re not real,” the little filly cried as she hid in her hole of room.

“I’m as real as every trick you ever turned, Cupcake,” the stallion grinned widely, “I’m certainly more real as anything you ever shared with that dirty monkey friend you remember so fondly.”

“No, we beat you! Me and Charlie! We left you in the dream!” the filly shook her head violently.

“You mean the dream he never woke up from?” Nopony chuckled maliciously, “Who really outsmarted who there, Cupcake, dear? Now seriously, can you make yourself a little older? Daddy wants to play, and it’s awkward enough with you looking like, well you, but I’d feel better if you could at least look like a grown up pony. Come on, you know you used to like this…”

Diane felt bile rise in her throat as shame and desire fought their old familiar battle, “You, you were only a dream! You were just a dream that Luna put in Charlie’s head after he got hit by that train!”

“You mean like your precious ‘mommy’,” Nopony laughed as he coyly circled behind Diane, “Now there’s a pony I wouldn’t mind tapping. Not that you’re not fun, Cupcake, you just can’t do a really good Pinky Pie. I know you tried.”

“NO!” the filly bucked hard, causing nopony to dissipate into a blackish nightmare shadow, “Me and Charlie beat you! We beat you… and we escaped… and…”

“And what?” the shadow taunted, “Does it rhyme with Charlie died anyway? I cut a deal with the text remember? I get his fate, he got mine. You really thought you were so clever, didn’t you? How clever did you feel when you woke up, and he never did?”

“Shut up!” Diane screamed, “You’re wrong! Surprise brought him back! She brought back Z! You’re gone! You’re not real!”

“ENOUGH!” with a stamp of her regal hoof, Luna banished the fiendish dream, “Little one, I am sorry, I am so very sorry. You need to wake up now. You’re family needs you. And you will need them.”

As sleep retreated Diane awoke to the soft sound of helpless sobbing. Slowly she remembered where she was. She was on a train with her mom and her sister. She was going on a trip with her mom’s sister Pinkie Pie and her friends. They were going to see the Crystal Empire and the new baby princess. Why was Z looking so broken? Why was her mom weeping with her face buried in Pinkie Pie’s mane?

“Celestia’s going to send a chariot to the next stop to take you back to Canterlot, she could hear another voice, her mom’s sister’s friend Princess Twilight, outside their room, “I am so sorry. I know it’s not much consolation, but they have the pony responsible, and he will face justice.”

“Z, wh- what’s wrong?” Diane asked in a tiny voice and the rail car went deathly silent. It seemed even the rattle of the tracks could only whisper.

“Diane, honey,” Surprise fought desperately to stay strong, if only for the sake of her adopted daughter, “There’s been a fire… I don’t know how to tell you this…”

“He’s gone,” Z said in a hushed monotone.

“What? Who’s..” and then it hit her, the truth hit her square in her little gut, “No! You’re wrong! He can’t be dead! Discord made him unbreakable! You’re wrong!

“Your Uncle died a hero,” Pinkie Pie bowed her head, “Nopony will ever call him a monster again.”

“H-how… what happened? What could possibly kill Train Wreck?” the little changeling shrank back, the world suddenly becoming a very scary place, “He can’t die! What could possibly kill Uncle Train Wreck!?!”

“A lunar guard apparently held some kind of sick grudge against ponies marrying outside their own tribe… and herds in particular,” Princess Twilight walked in with her head bowed, “He set fire to your bakery. When the fire spread into the building next door a little filly got trapped inside…”

“Wintergreen?!?!” Diane's mind spun in horror.

“I think so,” the Princess nodded sadly, “Your uncle went into the fire and used his own body to shield her. Any other pony never would have made it… But he did… or would have…”

“It was that mean pony who was mad at Z-978’s big brother at the train station,” Z’s voice boiled with seething hatred, “He was a cowardly pony! He waited until Train Wreck got hurt saving a little filly and then he pushed Train Wreck back into the fire!”

“The entire building collapsed!” Surprise couldn’t hold it in anymore, “That stupid, ugly, little bastard of a pony dropped a building on my Charlie!”

“No,” Diane shuddered with a sudden revelation, “There’s no way! There’s no way Stormy Night could kill Uncle Train Wreck!”

“Wait a minute,” Surprise cocked her head with sudden realization, “You know that pony?”

“He wouldn’t recognize me, I was being a grown up changeling at the time,” Diane admitted, with distaste, “He… he was weird, even for one of my johns. He always wanted to play weird games where he rescued the innocent maiden from the evil monster, sometimes it was a dragon, sometimes it was a manticore… what was important to him was always that the damsel… appreciated him…”

“Whatever Celestia sentences him to will be too good for him,” Pinkie Pie glowered.

“This pony will be lucky if he lives to stand trial,” Z buzzed with anticipation of imagined vengeance.

“Z, honey” Surprise swept her sister into a tight, much-needed hug, “You know Charlie wouldn’t want that.”

Hearing her mother use THAT name, her uncle’s ghost name, suddenly made it all too real and the little changeling was lost in tears for a long time before her voice could make words again. When she once more found her voice she spoke, “No, it couldn’t have been Stormy Night. That stupid buffoon was never even a threat to ME! Uncle Train Wreck was too smart to be killed with blind luck! Discord chose him for a reason! You weren’t there, but I’ve seen what he can do! Even when he was just a half blind, hairless monkey tied to a chair! He saved me, when he was the one who needed saving from me! He doesn’t fight because he doesn’t need to! He beat Mr. Nopony while he was tied to a chair! There’s no way that stupid, mouth-breathing bat pony could set a trap that Charlie would fall into! I’VE SEEN WHAT HE CAN DO!”

The little filly was lost to another long fit of sobbing and beating the wall of the train for a long time, when suddenly she remembered her dream, “He’s back. No. No no no no no NO!”

“What is it honey?” Surprise faught back her own building hysteria to comfort her daughter, “What do mean?”

“Mr. Nopony,” saying the words sucked the hope right out of the little changelings heart, “I thought we had beaten him. I thought we had escaped and left him to die. I should have known. I should have known when I woke up and he didn’t.”

“Mr. Nopony isn’t real,” Surprise cooed soothingly, “He was only a part of Charlie’s nightmare. He’s just a boogie pony.”

“So were you mom,” Diane shook her head and closed her eyes against the horrible truth, “He escaped. He made a deal with the text and he got out. The boogie pony is real…”

Why We Laugh (Diane): Dear Diary...

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I hate Princess Luna. I told her that last night, when she showed up in my dream after Charlie’s funeral. Mom says it’s okay to call him that, it’s the name me and mom knew him best as. It was a special name that only we called him. Z asked mom if she could call her Diane sometimes, and she asked me if that would be okay. I told her it would be fine because mom wasn’t trying to take my name, she was just remembering Uncle Train Wreck.

But I told Luna that I hate her last night. I told her it was her fault my uncle died. She let bad ponies in her guard, and the guard are supposed to make us safe so we trust them. But she let bad ponies be in her guard who nopony should ever trust. That’s why he died. That’s why it’s her fault.

I thought she’d get mad, but she really looked hurt. She even cried a little. That made me feel good. It doesn’t even bother me that that it makes me feel good, because she deserves to cry. Mom doesn’t deserve to cry like she does now, and neither does Z, and neither do I. But we have to because Princess Luna took a bad Pony and made him a guard. I’m glad I hurt her feelings.

We all stay at the hive now. I don’t know where we’re going to go from here. If we go anywhere at all. It’s kind of weird. At the old hive, the changelings were always trying to keep me hidden, and after the invasion I pretty much had to live like a pony. Ponies were really my only basis for what a family is supposed to be like, so the hive is kind of weird to me. And we’re kind of weird to it. Changelings don’t have brothers, or sisters, or uncles. They all call Princess Fast Change Mom, or Mother, but she’s kinda all of their mom. And boss. And spiritual leader. I guess for them our family is just as strange.

The changeling guards were super sad about what happened to Uncle Train Wreck. They really liked him a lot I guess. One of the guards said if Luna’s Nightmare Guard give us any trouble to let them know. Another one, he was really kinda young to be guard, but he told me I was cute, and I were a little older he’d ask me out. One of the other guards heard him and said something I thought was kinda mean. I mean, he wasn’t being creepy, and I don’t think he was even being serious. I wouldn’t mind if he was being serious. He was really nice.

But I know I’m trying to avoid talking about the funeral. I thought it was sad the last time they buried him because nopony came. This time was worse because so many ponies came and it just made it worse for so many reasons. Because the last time it was just me being sad.

So many colts and fillies were there with their parents. They were never again going to be able to buy their cupcakes from a real honest to goodness monster. The Monster of Just Deserts was already a schoolyard legend. My Uncle Train Wreck is a legend, and legend is really just another word for “ghost”. These colts and fillies loved my uncle, and I fed freely, and if I had a few small holes when we left, no one faulted me.

Then there were the ponies who felt bad for always assuming he was a monster. I don’t know if they came to try and wash away their shame, or just to try to make themselves feel a little more like they weren’t like the monster that took away my uncle. When one of them came to pay his “respects” I smiled at him. Not my “I’m really happy” smile. Not even my “you’re going to be my special friend” smile. I gave him the full “I can fit your entire head in my mouth” smile. He swallowed hard and asked me why I was smiling. So I told him he’d just reminded me of a happy memory.

Uncle Train Wreck was taking me back to the hive and we were both giving all ponies our scariest smiles and seeing which ones would shriek and run away, and I told that pony who came to my uncle’s funeral to feel less bad about himself that I remembered how he was the pony who wet himself in front of Rarity's Boutique. And he turned red and ran off, and I laughed, and then Z laughed, and finally mom laughed. And there we were, laughing like fools at a funeral, and none of us cared. Because we needed to laugh. And we needed mom to laugh. And mom hadn’t laughed or even smiled since that horrible train ride when we got the news.

The train attendant who we met the day we left was there. He was super nice. It wasn’t his fault Luna’s goons put Uncle Train Wreck on a list. That was Luna’s fault. He even spoke up for us. He’s good pony. I’m glad he came and I told him so. I gave him a really friendly smile, and he only flinched at little.

I think he’s a really brave pony. He stood up to Uncle Train Wreck and did his job even though he was terrified. But even though he was scared of me and Uncle Train Wreck, he still stuck up for us when… I don’t want to write anything about HIM. The point is that the train attendant was always nice and polite to us even though he was scared of us. I wish I could remember his name.

And then SHE came. I don’t know why she was even there. She never even knew Uncle Train Wreck. Hell, she only showed up once to visit him when he was in the pod, and she spent her whole time there making excuses to me about why she wasn’t a bad pony, and how generous she was for locking “that poor unfortunate human” in that damned nightmare. I hated her even then, and that is before I saw with my own eyes what kind of hell she’d sentenced him to.

I’m always going to hate Luna. Why did she even come to the funeral at all? That one ambassador guy didn’t show up. Do you know why? Because he didn’t know the deceased. Although I’ll give him this, when he and his wife visited they at least talked to the comatose patient. It was really awkward. They mostly talked about various places in Equestria he might go if he ever woke up. For his part, Uncle Train Wreck just floated in the pod the way he always did back then. It was weird.

Of course when she showed up, all her damned snob-pony leeches came trailing in saying what-ever they wanted like they knew Uncle Train Wreck. Or even met him. From what I’ve heard the staff at the Castle had a lot of yellow stains to scrub the two times he ever went to the castle. And he was only mildly annoyed when they saw him. I think I’m the only one who’s actually seen him really angry. In the nightmare, when nopony made me tie him up and hurt him or he wouldn’t give me any more candy. Nopony was terrified of him.

And now he’s gone because a stupid princess told everypony that they could trust a bad pony and that he would protect us. He’s a stupid coward. I said I wouldn’t talk about him, he’s not worth my ink. He’s a stupid, smelly, coward of a bat pony! But he’s not the one who set the trap.

And that’s what terrifies me. Because nopony will believe me when I tell them that mom’s not the only thing that escaped from the dream. Now that I know he’s out there, now that I know he’s real… I feel phantom hooves on my chitin. That perverted murderer was only Nopony's knife. I know his game. I see his hoof prints. The bastard of a pony admits he killed my uncle. He’s not even ashamed of himself. He actually thinks he’s justified!

He swears he didn’t start the fire though, and that he was at a tavern with three other guards. Two of them say they were there, but left early, the third swears he wasn’t even at the tavern. It’s Nopony’s style, a friendly voice to tell you what you want to hear. He had one of his drones set the fire and another push that poor murdering bastard to the right place at the right time, with blood in his eye.

And nopony will believe me because they think I just can’t accept that Uncle Train Wreck could just die so randomly. And they're right, because I can’t. And I can understand why Z can’t see it, she never really met Charlie in the dream. And mom never actually met Nopony. But I know. There were only really two ponies who could take down Uncle Train Wreck, and he didn’t kill himself.

Why We Laugh (Surprise): Facing Reality

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Surprise didn’t know what she had expected to feel. The empty knot of bile and anger just rolled nauseously in her stomach as she stood in front of the monster who had taken everything from her. He just stood there, looking angry at the world. Like somehow he was the one who had been betrayed.

“I don’t care what any of you think,” Stormy Night spat on the cold stone floor of his cell, “I saw a monster chasing a little filly and I did my job. If I see a manticore chasing a foal am I supposed to stop and make sure they’re not just playing tag? Just because you want to call a monster your husband doesn’t make him not a monster. It just makes you some freak who turned her tail up for a monster.”

“Do you really think my husband was the monster?” Surprise’s voice was cold, “Do you really think you’re some kind of hero?”

“I did my job!” the guard snarled, “Maybe I made a mistake, but I don’t belong in a cage like some kind of criminal. Pony’s shacking up with monsters, humans, goats, that’s what’s the real problem. You damned sun-pony’s call us monsters! But look at you, shacked up with two changelings and whatever that… thing was!”

“Do you remember a changeling named, ‘Moon Phase’?” the pony in the cell flinched a little in recognition.

“What’s that slut got to do with anything? I turned a blind eye for her, back when changelings could get in a lot of trouble just for being here, and she’s gonna jump in and talk trash too? Where is she? Too cowardly to say whatever lies she's telling to my face,” the belligerent pony sulked.

“She’s my daughter,” Surprise growled, “And she’s twelve.”

“Wha- no way! Whatever else you damned sun ponies want to railroad me with, I ain’t no damned foal-fooler!” the lunar stallion protested vehemently.

“So we finally found something you’re actually ashamed of?” Dream Catcher said from behind surprise.

“Ashamed? It’s not my fault some changeling tart tricked me! I thought…” the stallion stammered only to be cut off.

“That’s what I just can’t understand,” Surprise said sadly, “It’s always not your fault. You took advantage of a frightened, starving changeling so you could slay make believe dragons and then make her tell you how brave you were. And it’s not your fault, why? Because you didn’t know she was a foal? You were a monster pretending to be a hero! Just like you were the night you took away my Charlie! But you were never the hero. Do you hear me? You were never anything but a monster!”

“Yeah, us bat ponies are all monsters ain’t we, sunshine,” the pony just laid down and closed his eyes.

“No,” Surprise fought to keep her composure, “Just you. And they’re going to drag you into court in chains and everypony is going to see you for the monster you are. And you can lie to yourself all you want, but everypony is going to see you!”

“We should go miss,” Dreamcatcher gently motioned for the mare to leave, “Whatever you're looking for, you’re not going to get it from him. In the end the best we can do is just keep him from hurting anypony else.”

“I just can’t understand how anypony be so…” Surprise shuddered as they departed.

-=-=-=-=-

“Sister,” Luna quietly approached her older sibling, “Am I a bad pony?”

“Luna!” Celestia wrapped her little sister in a hasty embrace, “Don’t even think like that. Is this about what that filly said? You shouldn’t take her words to heart. She is young and she is hurting. She lost somepony very dear to her and she said words in haste and anger that…”

“That were right,” Luna bowed her head, “What she said… everything she said, it was all true. That dream world… by all accounts it is a nightmare. I let my own guard run shamefully awry. I turned a blind eye to their every abuse.”

“This was no lack of discipline you could have prevented sister,” Celestia soothed, “This was an evil act performed by an evil pony. There was nothing you could have done.”

“That is kind of you to say, sister,” Luna closed her eyes and nuzzled into her sister’s soft fur, “But it doesn’t make that filly’s words less true. I let a monster into my guard. And because of it an innocent pony… a good pony is dead because of that. And then the spectacle I caused at his funeral…”

“Was not your fault,” Celestia wished she could get through to her sister.

“No sister,” Luna insisted, “Even if there was nothing I could have done to prevent the murder, surely I should have realized what kind of spectacle my appearance would cause.”

“It was a regrettable decision, yes,” the Princess of the sun admitted, “But you intended no malice. You went to a funeral to express your condolences. It is not your fault that other ponies took advantage of your presence simply to seen in the presence of royalty. They were the ones who disrupted the funeral, Luna, not you.”

“I treated that poor creature like a criminal from the moment he arrived,” Luna continued her confession unabated, “He shouldn’t have even been at his bakery that night. He should have been on a train with his family.”

“You took precautions,” Celestia gently corrected, “As did I. He was under constant surveillance by both my day guard and Fast Change’s changeling guard.”

“Fast Change was having him watched as well?” Luna asked in surprise.

“Don’t sound so surprised, sister,” Celestia laughed softly, “She is very protective of her little changelings.”

“But I thought he was well liked within the hive?” Luna countered.

“Perhaps he was was well liked because they had watched him,” Celestia nodded sagely, “They watched him and they saw what kind of pony he was. As did my guard.”

“Where as my guard only ever saw a hulking beast to defend against,” Luna saw her sister began to speak and quickly interrupted, “No, sister, on this point I must remain firm. This is hardly the first instance of intolerance within their ranks. This may be the actions of only a single wicked pony as you say, but it was the prejudice and lack of discipline that allowed such a fiend to hide within the ranks in the first place.”

“You are not incorrect, I am afraid,” Celestia frowned, “I think what is important at this point is that you make sure they know it as well. They have broken a trust placed in them, and they are going to have to work hard if they’re ever going to regain that trust.”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Diane): The Circus Comes To Town

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It was three AM when the train rolled into Canterlot. There was nearly nopony to see it’s brightly colored cars, each proudly announcing itself in bright friendly letters, “Madame Alias’ Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders”. There were cars carrying the usual elephants and lions. There were brightly colored sleeper cars for the performers, some clearly marked as the residences of the show's star performers, such as Ba’al Zebul, who’s car proclaimed him to be the greatest fortune teller alive. A portrait, presumably of the vaunted seer portrayed a mysterious zebra leaning over a glowing crystal ball. Then there was Franklin Nathaniel Stein’s Odditorium, and the Flying Calypso Family, purported to be famous acrobats from exotic Saddle Arabia. There was Dead lift, supposedly the strongest pony in all of Equestria, and Tangled Knot, the amazing rubber pony. Other cars advertised a maze of mirrors, and a fun house.

The train veered onto a branch line pulling to a stop behind a vacant lot, destined to one day be a warehouse, but now only a convenient open space. Changeling workers boiled out of the train and began pitching tents. Silently throughout the night the circus grew seemingly out of the ground itself, and by dawns light, ponies looked in amazement at the spectacle that sat in what they knew had only a day before been empty space.

The place sat silent until mid-day, as pony’s flocked to restaurant row to eat their lunch and gossip. Before returning to their homes and businesses. All at once the Parade erupted. At the lead were a dozen changeling drones, their faces the brightly painted masks of clowns. As they marched they took turns taking on ridiculous shapes to the amusement of the gathering ponies. Behind them a shapely changeling queen, clad in the uniform of a ring master rode proud on her parade float, head held high as she began to narrate in a megaphone.

“Greetings ponies of Canterlot! Madame Alias’ Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders is honored to perform in your grand city! Come and be amazed! Come and be astounded!” the changeling proclaimed as the parade rolled on.

The next float was host to a stern-faced zebra wearing an ornate turban and exotic robes, his piercing gaze swept across the crowd before he laughed and unleashed a flock of pigeons into the air with a flourish of his nimble hoof. The crowd erupted into applause and Madame Alias continued her narration, “Behold! Ba’al Zebul, Seer and Sage to mighty sultans and unchallenged master of the mystic arts! He shall astonish you with mystic feats beyond belief!”

The next float carried a thinly smiling, thin unicorn stallion, light blue in coat and mane. He rode beside a massive cage bearing a crafty beast with the heads of both a tiger and a goat, with a viper for its tale. The tiger’s gaze swept the crowd, and when any pony met her gaze, she licked her lips hungrily. Nervous gasps erupted as Madame Alias narrated, “Fear not, my little ponies, for the dreaded chimera is the least of what you’ll see in Professor Franklin Steins Odditorium! Wonders and horrors beyond belief! His collection will amaze you! It will astound you! We must insist that no foals be in attendance! What you will see inside his tent is not for the faint of heart I can assure you!”
The next to floats drew gasps of amazement as a family of brightly garbed Saddle Arabians swung and somersaulted through the air between the moving floats. “You’ll think they have wings ladies and gentlecolts!” Madame Alias announced cheerfully, “All the way from exotic Saddle Arabia, and always performing without a net! You will see acts of aerial acrobatics that would amaze the Wonderbolts themselves! They are the Flying Calypso Family!”

The parade wound its way through the streets of Canterlot with its promises of wonder and merriment. Princess Celestia watched with some interest and much unease. A circus run by changelings could be a front for any number of nefarious plots… or it could be a simple show to entertain ponies. Certainly with the news of late, her capitol could use a pleasant distraction. She decided to watch and wait.

Princess Fast Change watched the proceedings with no small amount of concern. These changelings, while not so holed as Chrysalis’ love-starved drones, still bore the pocked markings of involuntary feeding. In itself that didn’t necessarily mean that they were hurting anypony, but it would cause some stir with factions within the city who were already uneasy about the changeling presence as it was. She resolved to speak with this Madame Alias very soon and lay down her own guidelines, before the city nobles beat her to it.

Meanwhile at Decanter Elementary Miss Shade Fire had finally given up all hope of advancing her scheduled lesson for the day, and agreed to an impromptu class outing to see the parade, much to the delight of her students.

“Come on, Diane,” Indigo bolt smiled at the little changeling filly, “You gotta like the circus!”

“I’ve never been to the circus,” the changeling admitted shyly, drawing looks of disbelief from her two friends.

“Seriously,” Glenda cocked her head and clicked her tongue against her beak, “You’ve never been to the circus? Even I’ve been to the circus!”

“Hey, I got some money from my folks,” Zap said brightly, “You should ask Surprise if it’s okay if me and you can go see the show after school!”

“Just you and Diane, hmmm?” Glenda raised a feathered brow.

“I- it’s not like THAT feather brain!” Zap protested, “I just thought Diane needs to have some fun, you know?”

“Yeaaahhhh,” the griffon rolled her eyes, clearly not buying it, “Just good friendly fun. So you won’t mind if I tag along?”

“That sounds great!” Diane smiled, as Zap glared daggers at the grinning Glenda, unaware of side interaction between her friends, Diane continued, “My first circus with my two best friends!”

As the parade floats passed by, Diane could almost swear for a moment that the ring master looked straight at her and smiled wickedly, but the unnerving moment quickly passed. As the chimera’s float passed Zap shuffled uneasily, drawing a fit of giggles from Glenda.

“Oh we gotta see that!” Glenda grinned widely.

“No way,” Zap insisted, “You heard Madame Alias! That shows for adults only!”

“I’m part bird, but somehow you’re the giant chicken,” Glenda rolled her eyes, “How’d that become a thing?”

“I could get in tell you about!” Diane glanced around to make sure Miss Shade Fire was out of earshot.

“Oh really,” Glenda asked with interest, “How do you figure on pulling that off.”

“I’m not supposed to, but I can shift into adult ponies,” Diane bragged quietly, “I’m like the best shape-shifter, like...well...ever!”

“No way?!?!” the griffon beamed, “Alright Diane! See Zap, that’s how you earn your cool card! So it’s agreed, after school, we meet back at the Circus grounds at...7?”

The friends agreed and Miss Shade Fire led the students back to class, she wondered if perhaps she could fit in a short lesson about Zebra culture, or perhaps Saddle Arabia. Maybe the disruption wouldn’t be a total loss...

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Zap, Diane, and Glenda): Love On The Midway

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLZqxfqnKsE
Opening theme music is a thing when I want it to be.

“Come-one! Come all!” the buzzy little changeling barker pronounced to the passing crowd, “Come see what the fates hold for you! Love? Wealth? Disaster? Only Ba’al Zebul Master of the mystic arts knows for sure!”

“Let’s get our fortunes told!” Zap danced excitedly.

“Oh please,” Glenda rolled her eyes, “You would go straight for the little foal’s stuff! Everypony knows fortune telling is a sham!”

“I don’t know…” Diane said shyly, “I went to a fortune teller once… he’s kinda how I found my mom and my sister…”

“See,” Zap argued, “Diane want’s to go, and that’s why we’re here right? So Diane can have fun?”

“Fine,” Glenda rolled her eyes and huffed, “But you’re paying.”

“I’m paying for everything, Glenda,” the unicorn colt reminded his friend in annoyance.

“Well, you wanna take two dates, you better have the bit’s for it,” Glenda grinned, drawing a deep blush from Zap as the three approached the line.

“Five bits each,” the changeling at the entrance buzzed, then grinned at the three, “But I’ll let you in for twelve, just don’t tell the boss.”

“T-thanks,” Zap stammered as he paid the attendant.

Zap and Diane entered the tent the tent nervously. Glenda followed, full of bravado. They were greeted by a large zebra with an oily smile perched over a glowing crystal ball.

“Well, now, what have we here?” the zebra’s sing-song accent rang clearly through the incense smoke, “A schoolyard love triangle perhaps?”

“Hey!” Glenda protested, “Don’t get weird, I’m just doing this for my friends!”

“Ah, a non-believer, we shall see what you think when you leave my tent,” the Zebra gave a crafty grin, then turned to Diane, “And what of you little one? Do you believe in the art of divination?”

“Is it anything like tarot cards?” the little changeling asked, innocently, “Because I had a reading from the blind goat once…”

“The son of Baphomet?!?!” the Zebra’s voice took an edge of agitation, perhaps even fear, “He is here? In this city?!?! This show is closed… for maintenance!”

As the zebra moved to leave Zap protested, “Hey I paid my bits!”

“Fine,” the zebra rolled his eyes in a huff, “The griffon has a crush on the unicorn. The unicorn has a crush on the changeling. The changeling has a crush on a ghost. Deal. With. It. You stupid brats!”

With that Ba’al Zebul was gone in a huff and the changeling attendant rushed the trio towards the exit. Once outside the Glenda gave Zap a rough shove.

“I told you it was a waste of time,” the griffon rolled her eyes, “He was a total fake! You should demand you bit’s back. I’ve never seen such a rip-off! I mean, sure he called that you were sweet on Diane, but anypony could see that!”

“What about what he said about…” Zap started only to be quickly cut off.

“Zip it Zap!” Glenda snapped, then turned to Diane, “Is it true that you’ve seen the goat?”

“Well, just once…” Diane admitted.

“‘Just once’, she says,” Glenda laughed out loud, “Like anyone ever goes back to the goat for seconds! I can’t believe you! How can anypony be so cool, and so casual about it! You see Zap, this is why I gotta keep you away from Diane, she’s just way too cool for you.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason,” Zap griped, only to catch the back of a talon to the mouth, “Hey! What’s that for?!”

“For stupidity,” Glenda stomped off.

“You really are dense, Zap,” Diane rolled her eyes and followed the griffon, leaving Zap to catch up in confusion.

As they progressed down the midway a sweet scent assailed their young snouts, followed of course by the voice of the eager vender, “Welcome everypony! Have we got a treat for you here at Sugar Hoof’s Sweet Surprise Shoppe! Once you taste our sweets you’ll never get enough! You’ll wonder why you ever settled for anything else! And remember everypony, here at Sugar Hoof’s Sweet Surprise Shoppe, the secret ingredient is love!”

“Hey, Zap!” Diane pulled the unicorn aside, “Maybe you should get some candy for Glenda. You know, to make up for before.”

“What do you mean?” the dense colt asked in confusion.

“Jeezac of prozation,” Diane said, mimicking her late uncle’s favorite swear, “Do I have to spell it out for you? Go buy Glenda some sweets, before you totally blow it!”

She pushed the unicorn towards the candy stall, and ran to catch up to her angry griffon friend, “Hey, Glenda, wait up!”

“Leave me alone Diane!” the young griffoness sulked, “Haven’t you done enough already?”

“Glenda, you know I’m not trying to take Zap, right,” the hurt in Diane’s voice silenced any angry reply Glenda had in mind, “Even if I did like him that way, and I don’t, but even if I did, I wouldn’t do that to you. You know that right?”

“I know,” Glenda walked to a bench and sat down, “It’s not your fault, heck, it’s not even Zap’s. How stupid do you have to be when you constantly tell someone how lame the are to show how much you like them?”

“It’s not that bad,” Diane giggled, “And Zap IS pretty dense.”

They both laughed as Zap returned with a box of assorted sweets, “Hey Glenda, I’m sorry about earlier. I guess I really put my hoof in mouth. I- well you know what a doofus I am…”

“I’m not even sure why I put up with you sometimes,” Glenda smiled as she popped one of the sweets into her beak, “Ack, why do I always pick raspberry first?”

“You don’t like raspberry?” Diane asked in confusion, tasting the waves of emotion roiling from her friend as she quickly downed three more of the bitesized treats.

“Can’t stand raspberry,” Glenda complained as the continued to tear through the candies, “Mmmm, I can’t stop eating these things. You know, I really think I love these candies.”

“Yeah,” Diane looked sideways at her friend.

“No, I mean, I really LOVE these candies!” Glenda said with enthusiasm.

“Yeah, I know. Changeling remember?” Diane raised an eyebrow at the amount of love pouring out of her friend, “Come on, let's go find something else to do before Glenda starts getting weird with the box of candies…”

“Hey!” Glenda protested, as she finished the box and hurried to catch up. She noticed happily that Indigo Zap had fallen in place beside her, allowing Diane to lead the group down the Midway to their next adventure.

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Diane): What Was Never Told (Part 1)

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Diane watched her friends with growing concern as they proceeded down the midway. Zap was looking somewhat uncomfortable as Glenda proceeded to publicly preen him. The Griffon for her part seemed oblivious to her own behavior, happily knitting her friends fur with her beak. Diane looked around and began noticing a large number of public displays of affection. In and of itself she supposed there was nothing wrong with happy couples enjoying each other’s company but… she took a calculated risk and reached out with her psychic fangs. Sure enough, the air was saturated with love. Thick enough to be abnormal.

“You know, Princess Fast is gonna notice the holes,” Diane jumped and spun around to face a stern faced changeling she recognized as Quick Phase, standing with her mare-friend Blue Sky, “Sneaking a snack from random ponies is bad enough, but Blue Sky is MY snack.”

“It’s not like that,” Diane stammered quickly.

“It’s alright Phase,” Blue quickly smiled at her mate, popping a bite sized candy in her mouth, “It’s just foalish mischief, no harm done.”

The couple went on about their business, but not before Phase cast back a look that let Diane know she WOULD be hearing about this when she got home. Probably from the Princess, but definitely from her mom. Still she had confirmed her suspicions, it wasn’t just her friend Glenda. Something was off with these ponies. She just couldn’t place what it was.

“Pardon me miss,” her thoughts were interrupted when she ran snout first into a gigantic stallion, who gave her a broad smile, then noticed the antics of her companions and frowned, “You and your friends haven’t gotten into the schnapps from the candy shop, have ya?”

“No sir,” Diane backed up, a bit intimidated by the large pony, but he seemed more concerned than angry, “My friend Zap just got some candies for his… our friend Glenda. I guess she appreciated it more than expected?”

“Well, okay,” the stallion smiled, “You seem like good kids. Enjoy the circus, and be sure to come see my show, Dead Lift the Strongest Pony In Equestria!”

“Are you a former human?” Diane asked suddenly, “I only ask because my Uncle Train Wreck was a human before Discord transformed him, and sometimes he’d say ’kid’ instead of ‘foal’.”

“Your uncle?” the massive stallion looked troubled for a moment.

“He adopted me,” Diane explained, “I know changelings normally don’t have uncles. His human name was Ki, but me and mom called him Charlie.”

“D- did he have a mohawk,” Dead Lift’s face became more troubled with each word, “When he was still human, I mean?”

“How did you know?” Diane asked incredulously, eager to meet anypony who might have known her uncle in the human world, “Were you friends?”

“Yeah,” Dead Lift said sadly, “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for your uncle. I’m sorry for your loss miss. I’m really sorry but… I have to go talk to my boss about something…”

Diane spun around in a puzzled circle, trying to remember if she had told Mr. Dead Lift that Uncle train Wreck was dead. He probably could just tell by how sad she still got when she talked about him. She turned to ask her friends, only to find them both making out behind a cotton candy booth.

“Really?” Diane said accusingly, causing Zap to struggle free and blush fiercely, leaving Glenda with a look of disappointment, “Maybe you two should take a trip through the dark ride while I check out the Odditorium. We’ll meet back at the candy shop in thirty.”

-=-=-=-=-

“I don’t care if he’s the son of Charlie Manson!” Madame Alias fumed at the agitated Zebra, “What I care about, is I have a fortune telling booth with no fortune teller! What I care about, is that one of my trusted lieutenants just dropped his load when a goddam changeling foal dropped the name of a GOAT!”

“You do not understand, your majesty!” the Zebra stammered, “If he is here than the fates are in flux! Life and death itself are irrelevant!”

“Oh really?” Madame Alias dropped a magical hood across the zebra’s head and giggled while he struggled to breathe, “Does your life seem so irrelevant now? Listen very carefully, that little slut is the last living pony who might… MIGHT recognize me for who I am, and you just made her suspicious! You might make a mistake like that twice, but there won’t be a third, do we understand each other?”

She released her hold and the zebra who sucked oxygen like I fish thrown back into water, “Yes your majesty, please your majesty! Understand, I can no longer promise that he is dead.”

“What do you mean by that exactly,” The changeling queen whispered, to be answered by a bellowing call.

“Iam! Goddam! Noone! I don’t care what I owe you! We got shit to discuss mother fucker!” A deep, melodic, stallions voice echoed through the tent.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me I have two very thorny issues to go over with Mr. Jimmy Jack.” the queen replied as she carefully pulled a razor, by hoof across a vanity mirror, then spoke in her stage voice, “Come in dear…”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Jimmy Jack): What Was Never Told (Part 2)

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“Okay,” the changeling queen who called herself Madame Alias said soothingly, “Yes, maybe we’ve been pretty much putting the product in the candy…”

“I can’t believe you!” the giant pale earth pony seethed, “When Butterfly ran things, this was a respectable show!”

“Come on, big guy,” the Queen gave her most come-hither smile, “It’s not like they’re actual people. They’re technicolor ponies, for Christ sake!”

“And that’s not the worst of it!” the stallion continued in his outrage.

“Okay,” the queen rolled her eyes, “So the torch job went south. Some pony got killed by a passing guard. How is THAT my fault? We needed that space for our new brewing facility. You agreed with me. After what happened in Filly, everypony agreed with me. We’re all in this together because, why? Let me spell it out for you: We. Are. Not. Little. Ponies.”

“Even if we may look like little ponies sometimes, we are all changelings, aliens, and freaks. We are monsters!” the queen pressed her case, “If we want to survive and thrive we have to understand that. The ponies put us in this role! Not us! So before you start lecturing me about my supposed crimes against the cute little ponies, remember what happened in Fillydelphia! Madame Butterfly showed those ponies nothing but kindness!”

“And then there’s that!” the Stallion stamped, shaking the earth, “The pony we burned out; he was one of us! He was a human!”

“Oh really, now?” the queen cocked her head to one side, “You don’t say.”

“I met his adopted daughter, she was a changeling, one of us too,” the earth pony shook his head sadly, “It’s bad enough what we did, but we did it to our own, man. We killed one of our own.”

“No,” the queen replied coldly, “The ponies did. One of those pretty little clippity cloppity ponies out there killed him. We lit the fire, but they were the ones that drove him into it.”

“But you knew,” the pale stallion shook his head in realization, “I mean, you cased out the place. I know you! You had to know! Ponies like him only come from one place! They come from one very specific human universe! Did you know who he was? Don’t lie to me, goddamit! You always acted weird when we’d all talk about where we came from and I’d bring him up.”

“Don’t get too hasty, Jimmy,” the queen tensed, “You know I like you, but remember you’re already in this up to your neck. We’re all on the same side here.”

“He was my friend, Iam,” Jimmy Jack choked back a sob, “He saved my life. Even knowing I was infected, he stuck by me. I don’t know how, but that crazy bastard led us out of the hospital. He got us all the way to the train yard and then he just stared at this train with this really funny look in his eyes. And then he just vanished. And he was here. And you had him killed.”

“Things are a bit more complicated than you realize,” Iam Noone took a long draw from an ornate hookah, “I like you Jimmy. I really do. I let you call me by my real name. I would have killed Bali by now, I promise, if he talked to me like you just did. Hell, I almost DID kill him just now, but then I gotta find a new fortune teller, but hey, I just heard a lot about this goat…”

“My point is, we’ve killed people to survive, me and you,” Iam drove home his point, “Fuck ponies, we’ve killed people. Yes I knew he was your friend. I feel bad about that. To be honest, I thought he’d be the one with blood on his hooves at the end of the night... and apparently Celestia’s not nearly as executiony as most pony universes I fall into…”

“He was a hero man,” Jimmy Jack flopped back on his haunches.

“And look how the ponies repaid him”, Iam Noone smiled cruelly.

-=-=-=-=-

“Does Surprise think Diane is okay?” Z-978 paced nervously.

“Of course she’s ok, silly,” Surprise laughed easily, “She’s just out with her friends enjoying the circus. She’s fine. And she will be fine. She needs this. What’s wrong, sweetie? This isn’t just being worried about Diane, is it? You can tell me, we’re herd sisters. Even if Train Wreck's gone, especially now that he’s gone, we have to remember that we still have each other.”

“Does Surprise remember the last night before we left?” Z asked, crying just a little, “Does she remember when Z-978 asked if it would be okay… if…”

“Of course I remember,” Surprise hugged her sister tightly, “And I’m glad you did. I know you don’t really have those kinds of feelings, but you wanted to have that kind of bond, like me and Charlie shared. There’s nothing wrong with that, Z. Considering… what happened… I’m glad you did. It was really special to Train Wreck. It meant a lot to him. YOU meant a lot to him. You know that, don’t you?”

“S- something happened,” Z fell into waves of sobs, “Something happened and Z has kept secrets from her sisters!”

“What’s wrong?” Surprise became concerned and alarmed in equal parts, “You’re scaring me Z. Whatever it is I promise, we’ll deal with it as a family.”

“Z should not have kept secrets,” the changeling sulked miserably, “Z always tells her sister, Diane that secrets are bad. But this was not supposed to happen…”

Z quickly scuttled into a room of their suite that she had been using to sort their laundry (a task she had specifically insisted should be hers) and looked back at her herd sister expectantly. Surprise followed tensely, not knowing what to expect. She had thought the changeling’s insistence that the task of laundry was hers, and hers alone had been some sort of coping mechanism. Clearly, she had been hiding some secret in that room. A secret that terrified her.

Z stepped aside revealing a small nest formed from clean linens, in the middle rested a small translucent green sphere.

“Z… is that what I think it is?” Surprise asked in awe.

“Z-978 does not know how this could happen,” the mare sobbed in confusion, “Z-978 is a drone. Her sister is a queen. One day when her sister is older she will lay eggs. Z-978 does not lay eggs. It is not a thing that she does.”

“I- it’s okay,” Surprise was stunned by the revelation, “It just means you're gonna be a mommy now. There’s nothing wrong with that…”

“But Surprise does not understand,” Z protested, “Z cannot be a mother because Z cannot lay eggs because Z-978 is a drone…”

“She can, and she has,” Surprise bopped her herd-mate on the nose, “And it’s wonderful, and fantastic, and wondertastic, and I can’t wait until we tell we tell Diane she’s going to be an auntie. Now shush those tears and come here, silly bug.”

Surprise held the confused changeling for a long time as they contemplated what this new development would mean for their family.

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Diane): Tainted Love

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Zilia nervously approached the tent that proclaimed itself the home of “Professor Franklin Stein’s Amazing Odditorium”. Outside the changeling barker cheerfully proclaimed, “Ladies and gentle colts, but no foals, please, come one come all! The Show is about to start here at The Amazing Odditorium of Professor Franklin Nathaniel Stein! We have Freaks, Geeks, and living pony oddities beyond belief! You will be astounded! You will be shocked! You will see things herein that you will never unsee!”

“Five bits please, miss,” the bored attendant at the door demanded. Zillia humbly paid her entry fee and ducked into the tent entrance. The floor was filled, but not really crowded, and the space near the stage was widely open, giving the changeling plenty of room. Apparently few ponies were brave enough to want a really close encounter with what ever the professor was displaying at this attraction.

As the curtain drew open, a lanky blue Unicorn, presumably the Professor himself stood beside a caged Chimera, “Greeting ladies and Gentlecolts, I am Franklin Nathaniel Stein, Professor of Natural History, and this lovely creature is my wife, Gladys, Susan, and Misty.”

The chimera casually undid the latch on the “cage” from the inside and stepped out onto the stage, giving the shocked ponies three friendly smiles, the goat head smiled shyly as she addressed the tiger hear, “Well, Susie, isn’t this just a lovely audience?” The tiger head grinned widely and replied, “I’d say they look good enough to eat.” the snake quickly peered over the shoulders of the other two and interjected, “Don’t scare the poor dears, Susan, besides, you know we’re on a diet!” to which the tiger chuckled, “Misty you’re such a spoil sport! I had them going for a minute there!”

“As you can see ladies and gentle colts, the line between pony and monster is a blurry line indeed,” Franklin reassured his audience, “And if my wife frightens you… well… I’ll just give you a moment so the more faint-hearted amongst you can exit with some dignity intact.”

More than a few ponies took him up on his offer, to the jeers of their fellows, before the professor continued, “Our next star has much in common with my wife, in fact. She likes to live large and she’s her own best friends. Ladies and Gentlecolts, meet Belle, Blossom, and Louise!”

A collective gasp escaped the crowd at what emerged next from back-stage. The massive filly was easily twice the size of full grown pony stallion, but that was hardly her most shocking feature, the left head and front quarter seemed to belong to a white unicorn filly with a stripy lilac mane. The right Head, front quarter, and singular wing belonged to an orange, purple maned pegasus. The middle head and hindquarters were clearly a yellow earth pony with a red mane and tail.

“Hi,” the unicorn head smiled shyly, “I’m Belle.”

“I’m Louise,” the pegasus proclaimed proudly.

“And I’m Blossom,” the middle head continued with a familiar twang, “It sure is a pleasure to meet yall. We lost our family and everyone back home was afraid of the us because… I rec’n yall know because why. We had it really hard for a long time, until Professor Franklin found us. Now we get to meet new ponies and live at the circus.”

Zilia could practically taste the out-pouring sympathy from the gathered crowd, but the professor was far from finished.

“Next I give you an exotic guest, all the way from the mysterious far east,” the blue unicorn announced with barely contained glee, “Is she a pony? Is she a dragon? I give you Usagi, the Dragon Lady!”

“Hello,” a green and purple scaled and winged mare stepped out from behind the curtain, and spoke with a noticeable accent, “You may call me Usagi-chan. I am as you see. Do you think this to be make-up? Perhaps a simple transformation spell? It is not I can assure you.”

The mare blew a gout of flame over the heads of the audience, drawing frightened gasps from the gathered ponies.

“Our final guest doesn’t talk much, and she’s quite the looker,” Stein grinned coyly, “In fact, she has a smile that would stop a train, I can promise you! Stamp the ground like you mean it ladies and gentlecolts for the beautiful Michelle!”

A shapely blue mare emerged, seemingly an earth pony. Her blue fur and lavender mane were exquisitely groomed. The only flaw in her features that any pony could discern was her oddly massive jaw. Zilia stepped back, and swallowed hard. She wanted to close her eyes. She already knew what she was going to see, but she still couldn’t look away.

The mare smiled, and smiled again as her lower mandibles separated. Ponies gasps and trampled in place, but nothing could prepare them for what came next as three long, agile tendrils burst forth. Zilia dissolved in panic and flames of magic and diane bowled through the crowd as she galloped out of the tent.

Fear filled her heart and tears stung her eyes. Those were not pony oddities. Those creatures were not from this world. And she knew exactly what world they were from. She knew because she knew all of Charlie's secrets. She knew all of Charlie's secrets because she had tied him to a chair and tortured him until he told her everything. For the first time in weeks she remembered the Nightmare. Not the dream her adopted mom, Surprise came from, but Charlie’s own nightmare. The world HE came from. It was then, over the loudspeakers that a cheerful feminine changeling voice emerged.

“Ladies, and gentle colts, foals of all ages,” the cheerful voice turned Diane’s blood to ice, “I hope you’re enjoying my Amazing Pandamonium of Wonders. I can promise you the show’s just getting started! Put your hooves to the ground for tonight’s special musical guest, Mare Lynn Maneson!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UP2f90kj5X4

Tainted love.

Madame Alias.

The show.

The schnapps.

The pony who wasn’t there.

Diane cast about desperately for her friends. Iam Noone was here. She had to get Zap and Glend out before it was too late. She had to warn princess fast. She looked around and every pony she saw was munching on brightly colored sweets or drinking equally festive bottled drinks. Every pony at the circus was being drugged. Forced against their will, and without their knowledge to emote pure love. The Nopony was getting stronger by the minute, and not a single pony even knew what was happening. It was then that she noticed another disturbing detail. She was the only changeling anywhere to be seen who was not a member of the circus hive…

What Lies Below (Carrot Plate): Enter The Train Wreck

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“Diane, honey, two things, first ‘pear cobbler’, and second I need you to untie me and get Surprise. We need to talk about boundaries… again,” Train wreck glanced around the darkened room long enough to know he was locked in a basement. This wasn’t his first rodeo.

“It’s okay, I’m a friend,” a female voice peeped from just outside his vision.

“I’d say my friends don’t tie me up, but that’s why I have the safe words,” train wreck nodded, “So can you untie me, I’m not mad. And I itch like crazy.”

“D-do you know how long it’s been?” the voice inquired.

“No earthly idea. But Diane is in trouble, Z is confused, and Surprise needs my help sorting this crazy shit out,” the monster replied evenly, “Did you move me here? That couldn’t have been easy.”

“I would have taken you to the hospital, but I didn’t know… if they’d help you…” the voice supplied.

“No I’m just saying did you move me yourself? Cause I’m a lot heavier than I look. A lot of ponies see me and they think, ‘Yeah, he’s big.’ But I’ve got mass like a dwarf star. It was the fire that got me. I’m a lot of scar tissue now, ain't I?” Train Wreck settled into thought.

“I-it’s not pretty,” he could hear the tears behind the voice, “A Lot of the fur won’t grow back… ever.”

“I did perfectly okay being a furless alien before. It’ll be okay. If you cared enough to bring me here, why not just call for help?”

“After what happened… I didn’t want them to let you die!” the voice sobbed, “Ponies like my father… they hate you.”

Then why did you tie me up?” the giant insisted, “Were you afraid of me? That’s okay if you were, but I’m not going to hurt you. Sometimes I get in states where I might hurt myself, and ‘pear cobbler’ means it’s safe to let me go because I won’t hurt myself. Are you afraid I’m going to hurt you?”

“I have to keep you tied up because you walk in your sleep, if Father found out I had you here he’d…”

“What? Piss himself?” Train Wreck snorted.

“Y-you don’t understand,” the voice sobbed.

“What is he doing to you?” Train Wreck’s voice became dangerously even, “What does he do that makes you more afraid of him than the monster your keeping in your basement?”

“I…” the mare sobbed, and then stopped.

“It’s okay,” Train Wreck sighed, “You don’t have to tell me. But if you’re being mistreated or abused, you should leave.”

“He’ll never let me leave,” the mare began to break down.

“Listen to me,” the monster smiled patiently, “Are you afraid of me? Am I tied up because you’re afraid I’m going to hurt you?”

“N-no,” the mare admitted, “I work with foals, so I’d heard all about you. You’re the Train Wreck. The Cupcake Monster of Just Deserts. I’m sorry I tied you up… do you want me to untie you?”

Train Wreck opened his lower mandibles and set loose his clever snakes, “No need, I was never really restrained. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to panic if I got loose.”

The monstrous stallion rose shakily to his feet, and turned around to see a cute red unicorn mare with an orange mane and tail shrinking back at his gaze, “It’s okay. Like I said, I’m not going to hurt you. What’s your name?”

“Carrot Plate,” the mare said mumbled.

“Alright,” the beast smiled, “And how long have I been down here? Was I out the whole time?”

“It’s been at least three weeks,” Carat Plate admitted, “You’d come to enough to accept a little food and water from time to time… I really didn’t think you were going to recover… especially not so quickly.”

“Well,” Train Wreck stretched awkwardly, “Discord made me to be pretty much indestructible. Not entirely fire proof though. Gotta keep that in mind.”

“W-what are you going to do now?” Carrot Plate asked nervously.

“I’m going to go find my family,” the answer was easy enough, “They’re either worried or grieving. Probably that last one, so I need to let them know I’m not dead.”

“I wish I had a family like that,” Carot Plate mumbled miserably, “It would be nice to be looked at as something besides a business asset, or… I hate it here.”

“Then you should leave,” the giant cocked his head to one side, noticing something that hung in the air unspoken, “You shouldn’t have to stay where you’re treated like that. And you don’t have to.”

“Father won’t even let me leave the house without the monitoring crystals,” Carrot Plate shank back, “I’m not the mare ponies think I am! You don’t know what it’s like. There’s always his voice in my ear, telling me to do...things. Sometimes for political leverage… sometimes just so he can watch. And it’s always me who has to pay the price. It’s always me who has to put on that face and play the bad pony. I hate it Mr. Train Wreck! Do you think I wouldn’t leave if I could?”

“Look, I’m not real clear on the laws in Equestria, but I’m pretty sure everything you just described is illegal as hell,” Train Wreck reasoned.

“No,” the mare shrank back into herself, “My family is too well connected. He’d just get away with it. At worst he would use his political influence to get the sentence reduced to a minor inconvenience, and then he’d take it out on me… it’s what he did when… he’s made me do alot of things, but one time I did something terrible all on my own. I got caught and I thought it was finally over. They were going to lock me up and I’d finally be free of him… but he got me off with a slap on the fetlock, and it got even worse. Nopony would believe me now.”

“Well there’s no help for it then,” Train Wreck smiled at the broken pony, “Come on, we’re leaving.”

“Didn’t you hear what I was telling you?” Carrot Plate argued, “I can sneak out sometimes, that’s how I found you, but if I’m gone for too long without a monitor, father will find me! He’ll drag me back! It will be even worse than it was before! Do you think I haven’t tried running away before?”

“That’s why we’re not sneaking off, or running away,” a smile stretched across the tazzle pony's hideously scarred face, “We’re going to walk out through the front door.”

“B-but, I couldn’t, how could we?” The mare stammered in confusion.

“It’s easy, we just leave,” Train Wreck gave his friendliest, least predatory smile, “Just walk behind me, and let baby Jeebus save whoever get’s in the way.”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Jimmy Jack): Enough Is Too Much

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Dead Lift the Strongest Pony in Equestria had just walked out of his own show. Just up and walked out. There didn’t seem much point. Ponies weren’t paying for shows anymore. They were paying for tent space. Under Madame Butterfly their show had been the Wonder of Fillydelphia. If any adult pony chose to buy the schnapps and had a fun night, they had tents for that, and pods, and if push came to shove, a hive of very willing changelings. She had kept Iam in check. Kept him on his leash. As the massive pale horse looked around at the barely contained orgy the midway had become, he heaved a massive sigh.

Things had been good in Filly. Butterfly kept it classy. It had been a good life. Everypony knew there were going to be problems when Butterfly went public, but they had been living in the city so long without any problems… nopony thought it would end like it did. The fire at the factory had been arson, there was no doubt. Butterfly had died a hero, sacrificing herself to evacuate the employees, pony and changeling. That’s what made it such a buck to the face when the city council had blamed them for the blaze. That was when Alias stepped in. He proposed that they continue as a traveling circus. They could brew enough of the schnapps between stops to keep the love harvest enough to avoid starvation for the changelings, and there was enough bits to keep the pony performers taken care of.

Dead Lift shook his massive head, he should have seen this coming. There had been more than one time when Alias' mania would spiral out of control, and they had to leave town in a hurry. Then all at once, he’d calmed down. He’d proposed they would go to Canterlot. They would bring the secret of Franklin’s love juice to the new Princess as a peace offering. It would be even better than Fillydelphia.

Looking at the debauchery that surrounded him, he wondered what Noone’s endgame really was… or if he even had one. Was this always the plan? There were too many pieces fitting together. Ba’al, Franklin, the fire in Filly, he couldn’t help but see the connections. It was exactly his style.

-=-=-=-=-

“Diane,” the little changeling was surprised at her adopted mother’s arrival, “You’re in big trouble missy!”

“Mom,” the little changeling queen scuttled in place, “We have to get out of here! We have to find my friends…”

“Oh, they’re in trouble, too!” the green mare assured, “Now you come with me!”

“Back off Whatserface!” Dead Lift approached with an aggressive stance, “Is this what we’ve come down to? Bullying little fillies?”

“She said you were gonna be a problem,” the green mare scowled.

“That’s not who you think it is,” Dead Lift warned.

“Y-you’re not with the Nopony?” Diane asked in confusion.

“We’ll deal with you, traitor!” In a flash of green flames, Surprise was gone, replaced by a badly scarred changeling mare, “You should have kept your head down. Alias likes you. Things would have gone better after…”

“There IS no after!” Diane shouted angrily, “Whatever he told you was a lie! This. Is. What. He. Wanted! He just built this whole thing so he could watch it burn!”

“Bah, you’re a stupid little bug, just like she said!” Whatserface flew off into the night to continue to do her mistress’ bidding.

“I meant it when I said I was your uncle’s friend.” Dead Lift turned to the filly, “My name, my human name is Jimmy Jack. I’m not the only one here who knew Ki. We have to get to the freak show.”

“You’re Jimmy Jack?” Diane’s confusion was only momentary. “Alright, I trust you. Do you know who he is? Do you know what he is?”

“He calls himself Iam Noone,” the stallion admitted. “I know that can’t be his real name. Every name he gives is a deflection.”

“He is the Nopony.” Diane bowed her head gravely. “He doesn’t have a name because Charlie never gave him one. He is madness unleashed.”

The loudspeakers suddenly came to life and the lilting voice of Madame Alias coyly taunted the little changeling, “Cupcake, dear, your friends are waiting for you in the hall of mirrors. Or maybe it was the fun house… I can’t remember.”

“Jimmy!” a massive three headed filly stampeded into the conversation. “Something’s wrong!”

“Pony’s barely even seem to realize we’re there at all, when they aren’t trying to get weird,” the yellow head interjected. “What’s going on? Are they infected? I thought we were all clean?”

“Alias and her cronies have played us all for fools, girls.” Dead Lift addressed the trio who were were all one pony. “Gather the others. The pony that got killed… he was one of us. It was Ki. These aren’t accidents. I’d bet at this point Butterfly too. Alias has been planning this for a long time.”

“Not madame Butterfly?!?!” Louise’ voice echoed with shock, “She saved her life!”

“Just gather the family, us, the Calypso’s, Frank if he’s on our side. No changelings and NOT Ba’al!” The stallion barked, sending the filly (fillies?) on their way.

“He’s going to bring it all down, not just this, the whole changeling/pony peace. He’s going to break it.” Diane stamped her hoof in frustration. “I’ve seen him do it before! He pushes. He’s a pusher. He doesn’t care what happens as long as it’s fun for him!”

“We’re not going to let that happen.” Jimmy Jack made a promise he hoped he could keep. “Listen, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but you’ve stood up to him.”

“The last time I had Charlie. This time...I don’t know.” A sob escaped from the little changeling.

“Listen to me,” Dead Lift spoke carefully, “This is what he told me. I have you, and you’ve got me, and I know a thing or two about getting out of these kinds of places.”

What Lies Below (Train Wreck): Making New Doors

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“Okay, so this is the ground floor?” At Carrot’s nod, Train Wreck continued, “Which way to the front door then?”

“Down the hall, first door on the…” Carrot plate started, only to be interrupted.

“Fuck some doors!” The Giant chuckled, “Just point a direction.”

“Uh, that way?” Carrot pointed in confusion, before watching as Train Wreck cleared a section a wall with a swipe of his massive head.

“Walls are stupid.” The Monster lead the way through the opening provided.

“W-what are you doing?” Carrot plate followed in the wake of destruction.

“I’m making a point.” Train Wreck grinned like a fool. “Your father’s gonna know that from now on it’s gonna be really expensive to lock you away…”

“Stop right there!” two burly unicorns moved to intercept the two, “Return to you quarters Miss Plate while we deal with this interloper!”

Train Wreck lowered his head against the flurry of magical bolts. “That actually stings. You know, enough of you guys, in an open space might be a problem for me. I gotta keep that in mind.” He closed the gap between then and unleashed his outer snakes to strike like vipers. Each snake caught one guard by the the throat, leaving each unconscious and the giant monster glowing faintly with the stolen magic. “Well that was a spot of fun.”

-=-=-=-=-

Carrot Plate noted that their path had become remarkably clear. Apparently there was a limit to the loyalty her father’s money could buy. As she stepped shakily through the rubble, she had to admit that she had never imagined that the gentle giant who served cupcakes to school fillies could be such a force of devastation.

As she walked through the final gaping hole (the creature had stubbornly refused to use a single door), she saw a sight that chilled her blood. A greying brown unicorn stallion stood in front of an entire unit of Celestia’s guard. “There’s the creature that’s foal napped my daughter! Stop him, immediately!”

There was a hushed murmur among the guards, until the captain finally spoke up. “Sir, you need to come with us, we will escort you to a safe distance.”

“W-what?!” The stallions outrage was palpable. “You outnumber him 12 to one! That fiend has my daughter!”

“Actually, she’s with me, guys. Totally not a foal-napping. We’re just trying to leave peacefully.” A playful snake shot out and grabbed a vase, hurling it through a window. “Oops, my bad.”

“That was an original work of art commissioned by King Sombra himself,” the stallion protested, “it was a priceless antique!”

“Now that’s not fair,” Train Wreck laughed, “I’m sure it was worth SOMETHING.”

“Uh, Mister Train Wreck, sir,” the guard captain stepped forward, “We’re glad to see you’re not dead, but could you please stop rampaging...please?”

“Y-you… you’re asking him nicely to stop???” The elder plate sputtered in disbelief.

“With all due respect sir, what do you expect us to do?” The guard shuffled uncertainly. “The last pony who tried to take him out dropped a burning building on him. Which from the look of things just made him mad.” He then addressed the mare standing behind the monster. “Ma’am, are you alright?”

“I- I’m fine sir,” Carrot Plate nodd confirmation before continuing, “I’m with Mister Train Wreck.”

“You do realize you’re both going to face charges of vandalism, I hope,” the guard said sternly.

“Yeah we’ll show up in court tomorrow Dusty,” Train Wreck replied with a smile.

“Well, alright then,” Dusty Trails, nodded, pleased that somepony had finally remembered his name, then turned to the elder Plate, “Well sir, that settles that. Now, could you please follow us outside. We will escort you to a safe distance.”

“But that fiend is foal-napping my daughter!” The older stallion stamped his hooves with outrage.

“No sir, we’ve established that your daughter is following him of her own free will,” the guard explained patiently, “There are issues of property damage.”

“The snozberries taste like snozberries!” the guard looked up to see the tazzle pony playfully licking an oil painting, likely a famous and immensely valuable work of art. “And by all means press charges, Me and Carrot would LOVE to testify. I gotta make sure to bring Diane. She loves a good snack, and I loves me some irony.”

“You’re crossing a dangerous pony, Mr. Wreck,” the elder pony snarled, “Mark my words my daughter will be back within the week.”

“Then I’ll just walk back in and ask her if she wants to leave again.” Train Wreck smiled with all his snakes. “Until one day, she’s not here, or I just get bored with this little game, or maybe she drops the safe word. An then I break one bone for everything I know you did, and then one more for everything I’m pretty sure you probably did. And then I’ll just go do whatever Celestia says I gotta do to make up for hurting a pony who had it coming.”

“That’s enough!” there was a flash of changeling flames unseen by most, and a guard in the front melted into the regal form of Princess Fast Change, “That’s enough Train Wreck. You’ve made your point. And it’s good to have you back.”

“Good to see you again too your majesty,” Train Wreck laughed easily and replied, “I’m really sorry about all this. I woke up tied up in the basement this morning, and miss Carrot Plate told me how they really don’t treat her very nice. So we tried to just walk out peacefully, but then the guards and some walls and a few priceless works of art and at least two stained glass windows tried to stop us. It was totally self defense.”

“Surprise and Z are back at the hive.” Fast Change sighed heavily with resignation, “Diane’s out at the circus. You do realize you just busted up the estate of a ranking member of Canterlot nobility, right? There’s going to be fallout from this.”

“Did you hear that Carrot? There’s a circus in town!” Train wreck announced cheerfully to the newly liberated mare, “Things are looking up already!”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Train Wreck): Home Coming

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“We’re gonna figure this out Z, it's gonna be okay,” Surprise comforted her herd sister, “This is a GOOD thing, honey, I promise.”

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. “It’s Princess Fast… I… can I come in.” the voice of the hives ruling princess emerged with an unusual timidity.

“Of course your majesty,” Surprise rushed to open the door, “What’s wrong?”

“Surprise? Z?” a familiar voice echoed from beyond the threshold.

“It… can’t be…” Surprise fell back on her flank as Z’s ears pinned back in hopeful confusion.

“I’m sorry to scare you like that,” Train Wreck cautiously stepped into the room, with Carrot Plate shuffling in place behind him. “I know I’m a mess to look at right now…”

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO US!” Surprise threw herself into the stallion, pummelling his barrel with blows that could shatter stone, “I had to watch them bury an empty casket. I had to hold Diane every night and tell her it was going to be okay! You stupid, stupid monster of a stallion! Don’t ever do that again! Do you hear me! You’re not allowed to die anymore! That’s rule! Do you hear me!”

“Z-978’s brother is back!” the changeling gleefully embraced the horribly scarred stallion, “We have to go find Diane! We have to tell her that he is still alive! He is back! Train Wreck is back and he is still alive!”

“I’m so sorry,” Carrot plate stumbled into the room, “I should have told you all… I should have told somepony…”

“It’s okay, Carrot,” Train Wreck reassured as he gave a cautioning glance at Surprise, “Carrot Plate here found me after I managed to crawl out of the wreckage. I was out of it for a few weeks but she nursed me back to health… she also tied me up in the basement, so we may need to go over some boundary issues. Her family… they were sort of holding her against her will and doing some bad stuff… like boysenberry muffins bad…”

Z and Surprise flinched at the coded language, before Surprise rushed to the mare’s side. “Are you alright? Thank you SO much for taking care of Train Wreck… things are going to get better, okay?”

“I… yes ma’am?” Carrot stammered as Surprise led her off to baked goods and hot cocoa with Z-978, leaving Fast Change to address Train Wreck directly.

“I’m not going to say it’s not a good thing that you did,” the Princess gazed levelly at the monster, “but there are going to be issues here. Even if the Plate family are scum… and believe me they are, but even so you don’t have the authority to just bust up their estate and leave with their daughter. However powerful you are, you’re not royalty, and you can’t just act unilaterally.”

“What, because I didn’t get zip-zapped by the right cosmic being it doesn’t count?” Train Wreck countered angrily, “I’m not trying to rule a kingdom here. I’m just trying to do right by a pony who did right by me!”

“Look, you’re a smart pony, so I shouldn’t have to spell this out for you,” Fast Change spoke evenly, “But you are an Alicorn. If there was any doubt before, coming back from that fire leaves very little question.”

“I’m no kind of Prince,” Train Wreck snorted disdainfully.

“And that’s the problem,” Fast nodded, “You’re not any kind of recognized royalty. You’re a wild card, and you just sent a signed notice to the noble houses that the rules just don’t apply to you.”

“I rescued an abused and exploited pony!” Train Wreck protested.

“Again, I’m not saying that you did wrong,” Fast Change shook her head sadly, “I’m saying that there are going to be consequences. You’re challenging the power and authority of ponies who don’t like sharing power. You have to think. I know there has to be a brain in that melon-sized head of yours.”

“Honestly what are they going to do about it?” Train Wreck grumbled, “Drop a building on me?”

“For starters, they’re going to make it very difficult for your wife to rebuild her business,” Fast reminded the pony sternly, “There’s probably going to be increased pressure on my hive just for letting you stay here. Just because you’re unbreakable doesn’t mean the ponies around you are.”

“If they try to hurt my family…” Train Wreck worked his lower mandibles but found the thought interrupted again by Fast Change.

“Then what? You become the monster they already think you are?” the changeling princess countered deftly, “I’m not against you here, I’m trying to help. You have to recognize that like it or not your…”

“Your Majesty,” Stand In interunrupted and whispered urgently to her Princess.

“I see,” the changeling queens face turned grim, “Place the Pastel family under guard. I’ll deal with this myself.”

“What?” Train Wreck stepped back defensively.

“You should probably come with me,” the princess said without preamble, “Something's gone wrong at the circus.”

“Something’s happened to Diane!?!?” Surprise materialized with a speed rivalling teleportation.

“Calm down Surprise.” Fast reached out with a comforting hoof, “We don’t know what’s going on exactly, but none of the guards that were watching Diane have reported back. I’m going to take your husband and investigate. I need you to stay here with your family.”

“If you think I’m letting Train Wreck go off by himself…” Surprise only to be interrupted by a soft boop on her nose.

“Diane will be fine,” Train Wreck smiled, “And I’m not going off by myself. I’ve got the princess of changelings right here. Whatever is going on, we’re gonna sort it out, and I’m gonna come right back home with Diane, and we’re gonna have a yay-everypony-is-okay-party.”

“I can help though!” Surprise protested, “I fought Discord, buster! You know, the god-like-being that gave you your good looks! There’s no way I’m going to stay home and bake cupcakes!”

“Look, Surprise, honey,” Train Wreck pleaded, “You know it’s not like that. But you know Z is gonna lose it, and there’s a scared lost little pony that followed me home and she’s hurt and confused enough as it is. I’m going to be okay. Diane is going to be okay. I’m going to get our daughter and bring her home. I need you to take care of the rest of our family until I get back. I know you’re tough, tougher than I’ve ever been, and that’s why I have to leave you with the hard job. Okay?”

“Just make sure she’s safe.” Surprise turned her head as she walked away. “Just make sure our daughter’s safe and bring her home. Both of you have to come home. That’s a rule, mister!”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Tarot & Sweet Tooth): All of the Cards On the Table

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“What’s wrong with these ponies, Billy?” Sweet Tooth pulled close to her lover and shivered. “They’re all… just ewww…”

“Indeed my dear,” the goat answered gravely, “The Nopony’s end game is rarely subtle. He hides in the shadows only to build his power so he can release it in a fiery explosion of debauchery and evil. He is the devil’s fool, and that is our greatest advantage, for he is indeed a fool.”

The loudspeakers suddenly came to life and the lilting voice of Madame Alias coyly taunted the little changeling, “Cupcake, dear, you friends are waiting for you in the hall of mirrors. Or maybe it was the fun house… I can’t remember.”

“We have to move quickly.” The goat cast about with unfocused eyes. “This way.”

“We have to save my friends!” A tiny, toothy changeling confronted a giant pale horse of a stallion. “There’s no way I can leave them with the Nopony!”

“And I feel bad about that,” Jimmy Jack declared firmly, “But right now I have one job, and that’s to get my friend’s daughter out of here before this whole thing goes even further to shit than it already has!”

“And if you win that hand, you will lose the game my friend.” Jimmy Jack turned to see a mid sized goat, with fur the color of dirty cream, and unfocusing eyes the color of dead salmon, being led by a burgundy Lunar pegasus. “The Nopony thinks he has removed his greatest threat. He thinks he has nothing left to fear. He is wrong on both counts.” The goat turned to Diane. “He offers you an impossible choice. A chance to save one friend at the cost of the other. He seeks to break not just the present, but the future as well. You must make the most impossible choice, and chose neither path. You must confront the past you fear that never was. You will find the Nopony in the brew-tent, sampling her own wares. She thinks she has won. She thinks that whatever path you take the future she fears will be broken.”

“B-but what about Zap and Glenda?” Diane continued to protest.

“You have allies little one.” The goat assured her. “Face the present bravely and dismantle the nightmare that is your past.”

“You sound like that damned con-artist Ba’al!” the giant stallion spat coursely on the midway.

“Ah yes, my ill-fated, would-be peer.” The goats features became grim. “He hides behind his own reflection, confidant as always that his lies and his ego will save him. Come, Sweet Tooth, we have business in the Hall of Mirrors.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Jimmy Jack demanded angrily.

“You go to the fun house!” Diane realized the answer even as she spoke. “I- I have to confront the Nopony.”

“There’s no way I’m letting you confront that psycho alone!” Jimmy Jack stood firm in his demand, only to be answered from an unexpected source.

“The little one will not be alone,” Usagi, the dragon-filly stepped out of the shadows, followed by Belle, Blossom, Louise.

“She has us!” the three heads spoke in unison.

Michelle unleashed her flailing tendrils and stamped an angry hoof, offering her own mute support.

-=-=-=-=-

“Darling, I really wish you would reconsider.” Deep within the Fun House, a spindly blue unicorn pleaded with the three headed chimera that was his wife.

“Frank,” the tiger head laughed coyly, “You know we love you, but we can only take this constant diet of fish for so long. We need real meat! Besides, he was a gift from Alias.”

Franklin Nathaniel sighed heavily, “But he’s only a little colt! I wouldn’t mind if it were some local ruffian…”

Indigo Zap struggle against his bonds desperately. Finally thinking to use his magic to loosen the ropes.

“None of that now,” Misty darted in and sunk her fangs deep into the colts shoulder. “Don’t worry dear, it’s not lethal. My venom is just to keep you paralysed while we eat.”

“I suppose if the colt has crossed Madame Alias he is good as dead, anyway. Just be quick about it, dear.” Franklin sighed with deep reservation, this wouldn’t be the first time they had to leave town quickly because of his wife’s appetites. “The things a stallion does for love…”

“Oh what the fuck?!?!” Jimmy Jack recoiled in disgust at the scene in front of him. “What the fuck did I just walk in on?”

“Please,” Franklin pleaded with the large stallion, “You don’t understand… it’s complicated…”

“You were going to feed a little colt to that monster you call a wife!” The pale horse carried a giant mallet in his massive jaws, and as the reality of what he was seeing sunk in his vision seemed to turn red. “What is there not to understand?!?!”

“It’s not her fault, Deadlift,” the stallion pleaded, “She can’t help being what she…”

A heavy blow from the back of the strong ponies hoof silenced the pleading, miserable unicorn, leaving him in an unconscious heap.

“Franklin!” the three heads proclaimed at once, then the tiger head that was Susan spoke for all of them, “You hurt our Franklin! He never hurt anypony! How could you!?!?”

“This should have been done a long time ago.” the strong-pony adjusted the mallet in his jaws. “I’m really sorry I have to do this girls. But somebody gotta put a stop to this.”

“I agree,” the goat head of Gladys growled angrily, “let’s put an end to this ugly little traitor, sisters…”

It was only a short time later when the limping and bloody hulk that was billed as the Strongest Pony In equestria staggered out of the Fun House, a little blue unicorn colt carefully balanced on his back, and a bloody mallet clenched tightly between his teeth. This was the end of it. There could be no doubt. He was only slightly surprised when the Changeling Princess Fast Change landed in front of him.

“You’re majesty,” the stallion bowed carefully so as not to displace his helpless passenger, “Please believe me, this is not what was supposed to have happened.”

Before Fast could respond the earth shook as the massive winged monstrosity that was Train Wreck galloped onto the scene. “Where is my Daughter?”

“Ki? Oh my god, I thought Iam Noone killed you!” The stallion couldn’t believe his ears. This voice of his long since lost friend echoing from the massive beast in front of him.

“Where is Diane?!?!” The panicked beast was too single minded at the moment to recognize his friend. He only had one concern.

“She's in the brew-tent, that way. I’ll show you the way… is it really you?”

“Wait… Jimmy Jack?” Recognition finally came to him, but his features remained grim. “Please tell me you’re not a part of… whatever… this… is.”

“Not anymore, man.” The stallion shook his head, then turned to the Princess. “I promise your majesty when this is all over I will answer for my part in this disaster, but right now…”

“Right now, you will take that foal to the hospital to receive the medical aid you both clearly require.” The princess left no room for debate. “The rogue queen will be dealt with, I can assure you.”

The princess proceeded grimly down the midway followed by her monstrous companion. Around them, ponies obliviously wandered into tents, some sating their drug crazed lusts beneath the moon for all to see. Even the lusty Princess of Changelings flinched in disgust. This was an unimaginable crime… hundreds of ponies drugged against their will and left to rape each other in the streets. Fast Change couldn’t even imagine how justice could be dealt to the fiend that would do something like this. She was sure of one thing however. Madame Alias would pay dearly before this night was through. If she had harmed Train Wreck's adopted daughter… the princess doubted very much there would be enough left of the rogue queen to bother to bury… much less bring to trial...

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Ba'al Zebul): What We Fear Inside

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“You are fortunate, wretched little bird.” the zebra who called himself Ba’al Zebul leered arrogantly at Glenda, who was trussed up and laying on the floor, “When your time comes, I will make it quick for you. I doubt the alchemist’s wife will be so kind to your little colt-friend. She has a nasty habit of playing with her food.”

Glenda struggled in vain against the ropes that held her, as the mad zebra continued his monologue, “You were marked for death from the moment you walked beyond the Madame’s threshold with that little harlot of a changeling. Perhaps in your next life you will do a better job of choosing your friends.”

A bell tolled and the zebra grinning wide. “Good news, little bird,” he laughed as he prodded the captive gryphoness, “it seems you friend has come to watch you die. But it shall not be a gift, but a prize she must win!”

The zebra threw a potion to the ground, where it fumed into three vapor trails, red, blue, and green. “Spectrum demons, seek out your prey. Drive them into my waiting blade!”

The vapors coalesced into three fox-like forms, which darted into three mirrors and set off through the maze, into one reflection and out of another, laughing like fools possessed.

-=-=-=-=-

“Billy, look out!” Sweet Tooth pressed tight against the goat as a red, fox-like creature of pure light dove from the mirror before them.

The goat for his part casually flipped the card held between his teeth, bisecting the demon cleanly. The fiends shrieks echoed throughout the maze, drawing fear and anger from it’s siblings. “The Guardian of Blades,” the goat declared evenly, and without emotion, “A rebellion, a thwarted plan and a return to balance. Though he did not raise his voice it echoed from mirror to mirror throughout the maze. “Did you expect so little resistance, old friend? You were such a talented medium once. It must be painful to be so thoroughly in the thrall of a petty fiend like the Nopony.”

The goat collected his card and glanced around with his unseeing eyes, the two remaining demons watch balefully from the mirrors as the couple passed through the maze, hissing but not daring to attack again. Their courage was broken.

-=-=-=-=-

“The son of Baphomet!” Ba’al scowled, “I told that fool, Alias he would be a threat!”

Suddenly he saw in the ricocheting reflections as the goat stared him in the eyes through the mirror releasing a card with a flick of his head. The zebra’s heart froze as the reflected card struck him impossibly in the face. His fear turned to panic as he saw the card revealed.

The card portrayed a great and majestic Unicorn wearing a regal crown. Around her twelve breezies prepared a great festival. From the unicorn’s back, sprouted beautiful gossamer wings. At her hooves slept a tiny unicorn filly, swaddled in her own wings. The card lay clearly inverted.

“The monarch of butterflies.” The goats voice echoed throughout the hall of mirrors. Baal's remaining pets coward, crawling back quickly into the pits of tartarus. "A revolution, the return of an heir, the death of traitors.” The zebra spun, only to see his enemy standing before him. “Run coward, escape. Your sins in this affair were the least egregious. We were friends once. Do not make me turn your final card.”

“You would have me run so you could stab me in the back!” Ba’al spat on the floor. “Do you think I’m a fool! I have spent my whole life preparing for your vengeance! I took your sight in envy! I admit it freely, and every day since I have ran and I have hid knowing you were hunting me from the shadows with sight that penetrates darkness and blinding light! I am done running from you, William! You will face my steel and one way or another my fear will end!”

The zebra drew a scimitar in his mouth from the sash around his barrel just as the card struck. Ba’al Zebul dropped the blade and clutched at his chest in pain and horror.

“I never hunted you Ba’al,” the goat replied, “My sight was the price of my gift. I had foreseen it long ago. You’re spell was only the agent of a fate I myself set in motion. You were my peer. You were my friend. I missed you… I will miss you. Sleep quietly my friend, you have lived in needless fear. The spirit world holds no terrifying mystery to you.”

The goat bowed his head, and as he wept for his friend, he read the final card. “Death.”

-=-=-=-=-

As the Princess and the monster strode through the carnival of perversion, the came upon the unexpected sight of Tarotius William Solitair and Sweet Tooth. Walking closely beside the lunar pegasus looking fearfully for reassurance was a small griffon chick.

“I thought you never left your lair, Mr. Solitaire?” Princess Fast Change inquired suspiciously.

“I do not, your majesty, under normal circumstances.” The goat gazed absently at the sky. “These circumstances are far from normal.”

“Where’s Zap?” the little gryphon asked in a panic, “Is he okay? The zebra said a monster was going to eat him! The ringmaster, Madame Alias, she was going to have us both killed, just to hurt Diane!”

“You’re friend is fine,” Fast Change assured the young lady. She then turned to the Lunar pegasus. “It’s Sweet Tooth, right? Take this young lady to the hospital. She needs to be examined and she needs to see that her friends okay. We’ll take care of Madame Alias.”

“Pardon my intrusion your majesty.” The goat bowed respectfully. “The Nopony already faces his greatest enemy. He unwittingly gathers her army, she only needs find her courage again. And it has returned. This is a story of a father, a daughter, and a forgotten mother. You should gather your changelings to the midway. These ponies have been drugged by changeling poisons. They need to be healed by changeling medicines. When they regain their senses they need to be comforted by friendly changeling faces. I believe it is your place in the order of the cards to undo the damage Nopony has done this night to the heart and soul of your city. But that is only the humble opinion of a single goat.”

“If you ever take up politics you could depose Celestia.” The princess shook her head in disbelief.

“I care little for the affairs of ponies.” The goat admitted thoughtfully. “In truth, outside of my family, I don’t like them very much.”

It was no surprise that Train Wreck had never stopped walking, moving forward towards the Nopony like the force of nature that he truly was.

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Diane): The Private Pain of Madame Nopony

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=405-P0YMA3g
Unleash the rage.

Diane and her new friends cautiously entered the tent to find their nemesis waiting.

"FOOLS, how dare you oppose Madame Alias! I am Nopony, scum pony of Equestria!" The queen of the carnival of sin laid back casually on an opulent couch, smoking an unknow, pungent substance from an ornate ivory hookah. "It was nothing for me to infiltrate your own race. How easy it was for me to gain control of Madame Butterfly's already revolting drones, and turn them against her. Well this now marks the dawn of a new era. For tonight, all innocence in Equus Dies!"

The machinery of the brew tent exploded into a musical cacophony of noise, and the motley quartet of would be heros stepped back in horrified awe as the song of the insane Nopony began.

"I've got drugs and poison flowing through my veins," the evil queen sang gleefully, "I've got worms and spiders in my brain."

The mad changeling manically threw levers on her alchemical contraptions as she declared, "I am Nopony, Madame Nopony!"

"I came from a place past time and space, to wipe the smile off of your face." The queens verse taunted, before turning into a scream as she leveled a hoof directly at Diane, "SHE MUST DIE! SHE MUST DIE!"

A swarm of changelings poured into the tent walls, leaving the tent itself in shambles, exposing the mad machinery of the Nopony’s toxic brewery beneath the open night sky. The freaks formed a protective circle around the little changeling queen as the drug crazed changelings surged, continuing the song of their mad mistress.

"We were all put on Equus to suffer," the changelings sang as Michelle's tendrils lashed wildly.

"We each have our own private pain," the changelings sang as Usagi blasted them from the air in gouts of flame.

"We must pass this pain onto each other," the changelings sang as Blossom, Louise, and Belle beat them back with hoof and tooth, "The never ending cycle starts again!"

"You can't kill me! You won't break me!" The Nopony laughed as he song went on. "Chain me! Beat me! Cut me! Kick me! Whip me! Strip me! Burn me! EAT ME! You'll just make me..."

A blast of changeling magic struck the fiend square in the face, and for one moment she paused to scowl at the little queen who stood defiantly by her new friends amid the broken and burned forms of the swarm. But there was only a brief respite before the horrific song continued.

"I came to this world to get revenge!" The Nopony’s verse explained. "I'll build an empire of sin!"

"I am Nopony!" The evil Queen turned her personal attention on her enemies, "Madame Nopony!"

"Come on little filly let's have some fun!" The queen chuckled as she sang, "I'll show you the madness of the grinning sun! YOU MUST DIE! YOU MUST DIE!"

In a flash of teleportation the scar-faced mare known as Whatserface, the Nopony's dreaded enforcer was upon them.

"You were all put on Equus to suffer," She sang as she dropped from the air and hooves connected with the back of Michelle's skull with a crack.

"You each have your own private pain," She sang as a flurry of bolts of green magic drove Usagi the ground unmoving, badly injured... perhaps worse.

"I shall pass your pain onto the others," she sang as she tossed the trio into the air with telekinesis before slamming them back to the ground, "A never ending cycle starts again."

Diane watched as her defenders fell like dominoes. Hope drained from her soul, and fear gripped her heart. As the Nopony's dread mare of doom approached arrogantly to end her life, she felt something. Rather she tasted it. It was love. It was a pure love, untainted by the Nopony's poison that was meant only for her. It was a love she had not tasted since she had boarded that horrible train. A love that she had feared she would never taste again. It strengthened her. It whispered in her heart that she was strong. That she was wild. That she was free. It filled her with courage. She could break the world if she had too. She could save the world. The world was NOT theirs to break!

"You can't kill me!" Diane launched herself forward grabbing Whatserface in her powerful jaws and worrying her like an angry dog.

"You won't break me!" Further off, she could taste the sad, worried love of her mother. The space between them so much shorter than the space her mother had already crossed to find her family that they may as well have been embraced. She tossed the broken assassin bug aside carelessly and turned to the Nopony as the battle as truly joined.

“Chain me!” Diane held against the assault of a fully powered changeling queen, fueled by the love of a sister who had defied death itself to return to her. “Beat me!”

“Cut me!” Nopony’s assault gave no quarter and she could do nothing but hold against it, but she held. “Kick me!”

“Whip me!” Nopony struck like the waves of a storm, but she was a rock,held firm by the love of a family that reached beyond space, and time, and death. “Strip me!”

“Burn me!” Nopony unleashed a barrage of magical bolts against her, but it was nothing to the love of that fed her strength now. “EAT ME!”

The Nopony stepped back, fear in her eyes, before the battered, bruised and broken filly that stood before him.

“You'll just make me stronger!” The filly stamped her hoof. The wave of power was nothing spectacular. And at the same time it was something the world had never before seen. It was a wave of love, tiny to be sure, but a wave of love coming FROM a changeling. It was born of an inexplicable spark of empathy for a human floating in a pod. It had altered space, time, and the paths of fate to create an impossible family and the Nopony was terrified.

“I- I still have my drones!” at her command, a new wave of changelings appeared, but they seemed uncertain.

It was then that the thundering of massive hooves shook the earth and split the night. The Nopony stepped back shaking. Through her massive, broken jaws, Diane Whispered, “You’re in for it now mister!”

Madame Alias' Fantastic Pandemonium of Wonders (Train Wreck): The Final Face of Iam Noone

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“Train Wreck you're alive!” Diane tried to fly up to her guardians face-level, but winced as she discovered her broken wing.

“Diane, honey,” Train wreck tried to keep his voice even as his lower mandibles clicked in agitation, “Go back that way and find Princess Change, she’ll get you to a hospital and let Surprise know you’re okay. I don’t want you to see this.”

The little filly looked like she was going to argue, but then saw the looked on the giants face and raced off without a word, as quickly as her injuries would allow.

“How many times do I have to kill you? I mean honestly, Whatserface, dear, you know I love you but this is definitely going to show up in your monthly employee review.” The changeling queen laughed at her own little joke, the turned back to her monstrous opponent. “And look at you! Did Discord feel like he had to overcompensate much? I know his first choice turned out badly, believe me darling, but… wow, you know sometimes more really is less.”

“You hurt Diane,” Train Wreck scraped a single hoof along the ground.

“You really have no idea do you?” the Nopony laughed cheerfully, “You don’t even know who I am, do you? Of course you don’t, you’re just the cheap replacement they brought in after what happened to poor Charlie when he thought HE could put me in my place. Ever wonder why that pretty, green little wife of yours starts crying when she accidentally calls you ‘Charlie’ in bed? My fault! Ever wonder why your ‘daughter’ insists on calling you ‘Uncle’? It’s because ‘Daddy’ is what I made her call me when I…”

The snakes struck almost without thought, snatching the evil changeling up and smashing him into his diabolical brewing contraptions with a sickening crack. The nopony spit blood and smiled broadly. “There it is! I knew you had to have it in there some-where! Even a pale copy like you can’t keep all that psychotic rage bottled up forever! Did your precious little Diane ever tell you what happened to her real mother? She has to have guessed by now. She’s stolen enough memories out of Charlie’s dream!”

Changeling drones chittered in agitation, drawing a snarled response from the Nopony. “Oh shut up, already! You’ll have to excuse them, they lose focus when their queen is all busted up. Not me obviously. I’m more of a ‘drag queen’ really.”

The Nopony gave a nasty laugh as he climbed to his hooves, and flashed into the form of a breeder-caste changeling dressed in a ridiculous purple suit. “I’ll let you in on a little secret… shhh, don’t tell! Whatserface, dear. Come on, you can get up! I’ve got a hit of the good stuff here for you!”

The broken and battered mare crawled weakly onto her hooves. She staggered over to the Nopony expectantly as he dangled a vial of pinkish liquid in from of her. Nopony for his part, never took his eyes off of Train Wreck. “You’re a human. You know how it is on our world. You’ve heard of mothers who would sell their daughter on the street for a fix. Train Wreck, meet Madame Butterfly. Madame Butterfly, meet Train Wreck. He’s the nice monster who's been looking out for your daughter while you’ve been turning tricks for me.”

“You call me a monster?” Train Wreck staggered back in disbelief. “What are you?” His outer snakes struck again, wrapping around the Nopony’s neck and sinking their fangs deep into his chitinous flesh. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!?!?!?”

Magical energy rippled through the tendrils and into the giant, who began to take on an eerie blue glow. Nopony’s form wavered without the magic to sustain it, he shifted and twisted, laughing like a fool possessed by hell, which perhaps is what he was. “You think you can stop me? She’s the strong one… the one who pulls your strings.” His form melted from a changeling into a dirt colored earth pony. “What was your endgame? Were you going to kill me? I can promise that never sticks!” Train Wreck continued to suck away magic determined to get past the lies, to know the true identity of this devil. The earth pony melted into a laughing blue tazzle pony with a red mane. It’s tendrils made no show of resistance, instead making a facsimile of an obscene gesture. “Come on big guy you're almost there!” one last time the form of the nopony melted and Train Wreck released his grip in shocked horror.

“Bet you didn’t see this coming, did ya?” A lanky, tan-skinned, mohawked human man grinned back at the monster. “Time travel is a bitch ain’t it. Do me a favor and tell the Dianes Charlie said ‘hi’. And keep on keeping my bed warm until I come back, big guy.”

With a grin the human fell sideways out of time. The ruined changeling that was once Madame Butterfly desperately licked at the dirt and the broken glass where the vial had shattered. The changeling drones wandered about in confusion, some trying to nurture and support their broken queen, others simply wandering in circles or weeping quietly. Train Wreck Pastel, the unbreakable cupcake monster of Just Deserts just sat in silence barely daring to breath.

Eplogue For a Vagabond (Train Wreck/Silver): Where Do I go From Here

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Train wreck approached the office nervously. It was like all waiting rooms. Just Like a doctor, you go in terrified because that’s the doctor. You don’t want to know what the news is when you know it’s not good.

“Train Wreck Pastel to see Ambassador Watch, or Prince, I don’t know.” The stallion was clearly miserable. “I’m probably facing charges of vandalism against the Plate estate. I was involved in the circus fiasco. Fast Change said we should talk.”

Silver had known he was going to be visited, which prompted him to at least look up the basics, which turned up quite a thing! "Come in, come in!" He sat up, only to tilt his head at the curious beast that was larger than other ponies, and even himself, though he was less dwarfed than many. "Train Wreck was it? Is that the name you prefer?"

“It was the name my adopted daughter gave me, I’m told you met briefly?” the monster explained, “I took a liking to it. It means I survive… if I want to or not sometimes. For the record I’m sorry about how things went down with the Plate estate. I’m not proud of that. Carrot really could have gotten hurt. We could have just walked out…”

Silver nodded. "I'm glad you see that. We have a history, you know. I mean, Carrot Plate and me." He flashed a smile. "If she went with you of her own volition, then I don't think you're so bad, Tell me about yourself, from your viewpoint, nobody else's."

“Nobody,” Train Wreck laughed, quietly at first but then maniacally, “I know you don’t know. Diane Doesn’t know. Hell even Surprise doesn’t know. But you know the Nopony. You have to have heard about what happened with that, right?”

Silver pointed a hoof at his new guest. "I was hoping to learn about you, unless you really think I need to know Nopony to know you?" He nudged forward a bowl of chocolates with his magic. "Want some?"

“I’m a replacement.” The beast slumped in his place glumly. “I’m a replacement for somebody who should never have existed in the first place. Surprise told me you’ve seen the world she comes from?”

"I did," admitted Silver. "But I don't think she's the last one of her I saw before I left… That one…" He stopped saying things, though his blush perhaps said some things. "You're also from that… world?"

“NO!” the abomination’s lower mandibles clicked in agitation, “I never saw that nightmare! From what my wife and my daughter have told me I never want to! That’s where HE comes from. The Nopony.” Train Wreck calmed down. “I came from a world of plague. A human world where brony fantasy became a nightmare. I tried to keep it to myself, but after the circus it’s going to come out. I… there is another me. Not like in my head. He’s me, but he’s not. I don’t know if he exists at all the way you normally see it… He comes from that world… what everypony but Surprise calls a ‘dream’.”

Silver rolled a hoof. "I'm the one that dreamed it, where Surprise came from, but wherever Twilight reached and messed up? That I couldn't even start to say. This is the multiverse theory gone horribly wrong, so let's avoid that." His magic nudged the bowl again as if trying to make it more tempting. "We're here for you. You're in a lot of things. Where do you want to go from here, ideally?"

“The way you nudge the chocolates,” Train Wreck glanced about nervously, “This has happened before… with him… in a different world altogether. I wasn’t aware of it before… before he pushed me. Now I see it clearly. This has happened… with Lyra. That’s what terrifies me. Surprise found me looking for Charlie… is that who I am? I know I’m a monster. but am I destined to follow the path of the monster they brought me here to replace?”

The monster composed himself. “I am Kiki Charles Steen, I know who I am and who I was. He was Charles Kiki Madrie. He was, and will be the Nopony. And we are the same… or nearly the same person. What happened in that dream? Is that destined to play out again? Is that what I become, because if so…” The unspoken question hung pregnant in the air.

“What if a demon from hell did unspeakable things to your daughter? What if you confronted it and it held up a happy little mirror, and said ‘Hello, I’m you if things go badly enough. Say hello to your lovely wife, I’ll be back around.’ What would you do?”

Silver leaned forward a bit. "I'd remember that I once went on a mad raping spree and took an entire ship of females, gave them bastard foals, then sent their coltfriend’s home to deal with them, thinking I was somehow doing the 'right' thing." His muzzle wrinkled a little. "We can't live in could bes and should have beens."

“But that you isn’t out there anymore is it?” Train wreck sat back in thought. “You’re foals don’t wake up screaming at night afraid that this pirate raper is going to jump out from under their bed and feed their colt-friend to a chimera. And you’re not afraid to hug them and tell them it’s okay, because it’s not, because you know that was you and THAT JUST HAPPENED!” Train wreck would feel bad later about the damage to the floors of the consulate. At that moment though… nothing really mattered beyond keeping his family safe, perhaps from him.

This was, perhaps, a bit more tense than Silver tried for when greeting his fellow humans. "Let's decouple them from you. I mean, are they also a hydra? Do they look like you?"

“He’s the Nopony, he looks like whatever he… no… he doesn’t.” Train Wreck contemplated that for a moment, “He’s gone as far as he could to keep from looking like me. He tried to have me killed before he went after Diane… not because he was afraid of me. He’s not. I know that now.”

Silver nodded. "Then he's an awful person, and should be dealt with, but he's not you, and it sounds like nobody would be fooled into thinking he was you." Silver waved over Train's body. "Discord's work is pretty distinctive. Do you like it? Nice guy, but he gets ideas…"

“I was always an alien.” Train Wreck smiled for the first time. “The last time I was human me and Jake were drinking off our sorrows that Dash and Pinkamena put us on the disabled list while they went off to fight the good fight. You were in Pink’s command, Private Silver. Good to see you finally got a promotion. I guess that doesn’t really mean anything to you, or Jake… but it’s funny.”

Silver perked his ears. "Oh…" The word was small and timid. "You're from there?" That world was not forgotten to him. He shook his head violently. "Nevermind that. We're both humans, inside." He tapped his chest. "But I'm pretty dedicated to living with the ponies, and being one. You?"

“That’s what bugs me, less with you than with the ponies, but do you have to ask?”
The giant sat back and sighed. “I’ve fought by their side in an unwinnable war. I’ve dove into an inferno to save their foals. Hell, the circus, that just happened. I ran headlong into it beside their changeling princess, and I promise tomorrow, I’ll have to go to a gryphon cafe to buy a croissant. And then I face trial for vandalising the estate of… Carrot’s father. It’s okay. It’s what I expect.”

Silver rolled a hoof. "So stop saying you're an alien. You're the one who said it, not me, I'll point out." He flashed a bright smile. "You have a family, and friends. Not all the ponies like you, but so what? Think everyone likes me, hardly. I'm about to gather up some new enemies, but I'm not counting those."

“Yeah,” the ponie admitted, “But you’re a pony. Even in my Equestria, you took the transformation at the first opportunity. You have the magic, you’re an alicorn prince, not just Discord’s joke. Go back for a day or two. Let the ‘Yay I’m in pony country’ wear off and be the monster. You’re the shining knight, take just one day to be the evil dragon.”

"Challenge accepted." Silver felt over the human/pony with his magic carefully. "I can't just make you an alicorn, and you have varieties I can't quite put a finger, er, or hoof on… but looks can be deceiving. How about we try out the other's shoes for a day?"

A sly snake, tired of waiting for a treat, shot out and grabbed a chocolate. “Really, this is a thing that can be done?”

Dark chocolate, fairly plain, but of quality make at least. Silver leaned forward. "Appearance-wise, I see nothing stopping it. I couldn't, and wouldn't, try to actually change our magics, seeing as you're kind of three unknown types. Speaking of this, have you tried just asking Discord if he'd really be upset if you backed out of his plan? He's usually agreeable enough if you just talk to him."

“I have no problem with what I am.” Train Wreck smiled fully, allowing all of his snakes to smile with him. “I don’t believe in going back, In the same way I don’t believe in happy endings. Whenever anybody’s happy to see anything end, it was horrible. But if we’re going to be swapping places we should let our wives know… and you should probably learn the basic safe words. Diane’s bad with boundaries.”

Silver perked an ear. "I didn't think either of us would be… you know? I mean, we're married, both of us. This isn't permission to break that vow, though we should let them know someone will stop by wearing their husband's skin, since that would just be damn creepy to spring on someone."

“Yeah so you get it.” Train Wreck agreed cheerfully. “Gotta clear that up so one of us doesn’t have to break the other one. Good of Equestria and all. Sorry to even bring it up… but you do have a reputation…”

"Is this about my story?" Silver huffed softly. "I'm pretty damn loyal. Anyway, no rush. Talk to yours, I'll talk to mine, and we'll arrange a good day for it without things needing either of us."

Book One: The Vagabond - The End

Book Two: The Reflection of the Monster

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“You WHAT?!?!” Surprise demanded in shock, with just a hint outrage.

“I… might have… sort’ve… called out Prince Silver and dared him to switch places with me for a day?” Train wreck awkwardly rubbed the back of his head with an errant snake. “In my defense this is at least partly Princess Change’s fault. She’s the one who suggested I talk to this ‘Silver’ pony…”

“Silver is a very nice pony,” Surprise insisted, “He’s good at helping humans. I talked this over with Fast, and we agreed, that whatever it is that happened with you at that horrible circus, he could help. You were supposed to talk to him about whatever it is that happened that you and Diane won’t talk to me about!”

“And I tried,” Train Wreck pleaded with his wife, “But I don’t think he even knows what happened at the circus.”

“Well of course he knows!” Surprise argued angrily, “A horrible soul-stealing demon just invaded east Canterlot and… well, how could he not know?”

“East Canterlot’s a long way from the Castle,” Train Wreck shrugged, “There were no real nobles at the circus… I think the ponies at the castle just look at this as more court drama. Sure they’ll be shocked when Celestia holds trial. But it didn’t happen to them. It didn’t happen to anypony important. Therefor it didn’t really happen.”

“That’s not the truth and you know it!” Surprise protested, “Our daughter is in the hospital right now with a broken wing! Right here in the hive, ponies are in triage in pods being decontaminated by the dozens! This is bigger than your isolation issues! This is bigger than our family! The human prince just cleared his schedule to talk to you about your feelings and you come back to me with THIS?!?! Dammit Charlie!”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!” The monster stomped an earth shaking hoof to the ground, immediately recoiling at his wife’s frightened reaction. “I- I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“I think you should go outside and take a walk,” Surprise turned her head so he wouldn’t see the tear.

“Y- you want me to leave?” Train Wreck Pastel stammered.

“I want you to listen to me and I want you to think.” Surprise walked out of the room without another word.

-=-=-=-=-

“Is everything going to be alright?” Carrot Plate was near panic. She thought things were going to be better here. She could hear the raised voices. She knew what a family fight sounded like behind closed doors.

“Z-978 does not know what happened,” the changeling bowed her head, “Her sister is hurt, her brother is broken. But we are a family. We are a herd. It doesn’t matter what stupid ponies think because they are stupid anyway. We will be alright, Z promises this to her sister Carrot.”

The changeling nuzzled the red and orange mare reassuringly, but Carrot’s doubts persisted. “Is Train wreck going to leave?”

“Z does not know. Z is not Train Wreck. Z-978 is afraid also, of the future,” she assured the pony, “We will be alright because we will have each other. Train Wreck is a stupid pony. He will be stupid, but Z-978’s sister will fix things. She can be a stupid little queen, but Z knows her. Z loves her Z-978 has faith that she will bring us back together.”

-=-=-=-=-

“I messed up Diane.” The Cup Cake Monster of Just Deserts spoke gently over his daughter’s hospital bed.

“No, you didn’t.” The little changeling queen beamed up at him. “You were there. You gave me what I needed to hold him back!”

“I couldn’t stop him.” The monster bowed his massive head. “I had him. I stripped him of all his secrets… all his his lies… And I saw him for what… for who he was… and he was…”

“Not you.” Diane reached out a hoof to her guardians face, “You never met him. You’re not Charlie. And I’m glad you’re not.”

“You...know?” Bewilderment plagued the giant’s face.

“I always suspected,” Diane smiled, and the giant’s heart split, “When he came back… I knew.”

“I- I couldn’t protect you from him.” Train wreck lain his massive head into his daughter’s lap and sobbed. “I tried. I wanted to. I really thought I could…”

“Silly Train Wreck,” Diane giggled sadly and booped her giant guardian on the nose, “It wasn’t you who was supposed to save me. Don’t you get it? I’m the one who saves you.”

-=-=-=-=-

Celestia’s sun had long since set when Train Wreck Pastel returned to the hive. The guards greeted him with the usual familiar humor.

“Hope you brought flowers,” Twilight Masquerade intoned severely.

“Oh, cut the stallion a break,” Storm Front chided his coworker, “Good to see you back, sir.”

“It’s good to be back,” the pony smiled at the familiar faces.

He sighed heavily a he approached the door to his family's suite. He felt like a petulant runaway child coming home in time for dinner. The smell of banana bread and grilled leeks only driving home the image.

“I’m sorry.” He bowed his head to the stern face of his mate. “I’ve taken everything for granted. I wanted to be the hero… I wanted to be the one who saved his family… I forgot it was you who saved me. I’m the one who needs you.”

“We need each other, silly.” He was met with the familiar sad smile and warm embrace of Surprise Pastel. "That’s what a family is.”

Contemplation (The Pastel Family): A Runaway Train

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf8n0rc1JHc
Becaus musical numbers=friendship=magic, that's just basic science. What do expect of a disfunctional family of Pinkie Pies

“He’s been out there for a long time,” Carrot Plate noted with concern “Does he know it’s raining? I mean, does he even feel it?”

“Uncle Train Wreck feels everything.” Diane’s left wing twitched painfully in the splint. “Every burn, every scar, every sling, every arrow. He feels all of it.”

“Train wreck needs his family,” Z-978 interjected, “Z-978’s family needs each other. Z-978’s family loves each other. That is why they are Z-978’s family.”

“I’ll go talk to him.” Surprise hung her head, unaware of the soft music that framed her exit, as she walked out into the street and into the rain…

“Called you up in the middle of the night, like a firefly without a light.” It was Train Wreck’s deep resonating voice that began the song. Memories floated by of a giant monster, glowing faintly in the night air. He walked heavily to a closed bakery, fresh from judgement. It was the only place he really knew to go. “You were there like a slow torch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning.”

“So tired that I couldn't even sleep, so many secrets I couldn't keep.” Surprise relived that night, remembering asking herself what she was going to say to the friend she had left and found again, as she laid a foreleg over her mate's withers. “Promised myself I wouldn't weep. One more promise I couldn't keep.”

“It seems no one can help me now. I'm in too deep, there's no way out!” images of the dread circus, and the revelations of the nopony played against Train Wreck's brain as he sang. “This time I have really led myself astray.”

“Runaway train never going back, wrong way on a one way track,” the pair's voices merged against the rain, “Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I'm neither here nor there…”

“Can you help me remember how to smile,” Carrot Plate looked at the pair hopefully as she walked into the downpour, “make it somehow all seem worthwhile.”

“How on earth did I get so jaded?” The red and orange unicorn pleaded as each drop of rain drove home another of her father’s abuses. “Life's mystery seems so faded.”

“I can go where no one else can go!” Diane contemplated desperately, almost pleadingly as she walks out, gazing absently at the sky and letting the rain strike her eyes to wash away the tears. “I know what no one else knows!”

“Here I am just drowning' in the rain, with a ticket for a runaway train.” The little changeling nuzzled between her adopted parents.

“Everything is cut and dry, day and night, earth and sky,” Carrot sang defiantly, “Somehow I just don't believe it!”

“Runaway train never going back, wrong way on a one way track.” the hurting mare was welcomed into the warm circle beneath the cold stinging rain. “Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here nor there.”

“Bought a ticket for a runaway train,” Z-978 sang clearly in her buzzy semi-autotuned voice, “Like a madmare laughing at the rain.”

“Little out of touch, little insane.” The changeling rushed into to warm embrace of her siblings. “It’s just easier than dealing with the pain.”

“Runaway train never going back!” Carrot Top promised the storm.

“Wrong way on a one way track.” Diane bowed her head and thought of her stolen memories of holding Charlie beneath a bleeding Silver Sky.

“Seems like I should be getting somewhere.” Z questioned the world and the path it had cast her on. “Somehow I'm neither here nor there.”

“Runaway train never comin' back.” Surprise remember all of the friends in every world she would never see again, many who likely didn’t exist anymore… and the one ghost of a friend who came back… wrong.

“Runaway train tearing' up the track!” Train Wreck thought about his own terrible potential for destruction, living in a world that was made of glass.

“Runaway train burnin' in my veins.” In Diane’s mind there was only the image of a stolen card clenched firmly between her teeth, because she had to know.

“Runaway but it always seems the same.” Carrot Plate only wondered if the nightmare was really over this time.

And they stood there, laughing, and crying, and nuzzling. In the middle of the street. In the middle of the rain. Right in front of the changeling hive. And in the backdrop of the unheard fading music, not a one even cared what the world thought.

Retribution (Zeke & Carrot): First Against the Most Vulnerable

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Z smiled brightly at the mare by her side. "Carrot Plate must relax! She is with her sister, Z-978, and they are enjoying a pleasant walk. Carrot should be happy."

"I am happy Z," the red unicorn smiled timidly, "The past few days have been the happiest time in my life... but my father IS planning something."

"Pfft." the changeling pffted with disdain. "What is a stupid perverted unicorn going to do against the Train Wreck? What is a stupid old, dirty, smelly Stallion going to do against Surprise? We will show mercy and make Diane stay home."

Carrot Plate smiled at the thought that she was a part of a strong family that was built on love, and not political leverage. It was always at those little unguarded moments that everything went to hell.

"Carrot Plate?" a rough looking lunar guard, approached the pair, "You are under arrest for vandalism, willful destruction of private property, and reckless endangerment of ponies' health and safety."

"No!" Z-978 moved between her ward and the menacing guard, as his partner moved to flank the mare. "Z-978's sister did nothing wrong!"

“Stand aside bug!” The belligerent guard demanded, as his fellow guard moved behind Z.

“Z, lookout!” Carrot warned, recoiling in horror as the guard behind the guard brought the butt of his spear into the back of that changelings head with a sickening crack.

“We’ll take ‘em both in, the bug can stand trial for obstruction if she wakes up,” the guards smirked, “Maybe that’ll teach these freaks to respect the lunar guard!”

“Did you see that?” The ponies on the street began to gather and converse in hushed voices. “They just assaulted Z-978, she’s such a polite changeling.” The Lunar guards looked about in nervous agitation as the secured their prisoners, but the accusing voices continued. “They couldn’t kill the Train Wreck, so they’re going after his family!” “Damned bat-pony cowards!” “This is retribution because of those damned vamponies couldn’t get away with murder!”

“Back off sun-ponies! We’re just trying to do our jobs!” The larger guard snarled at the crowd as they made a nervous retreat with their prisoners, watching the angry crowd nervously.

-=-=-=-=-

Captain Crescent Phase was not having a good day. He had a saying, “Anytime there’s not an angry mob at the door, it’s a good day.” He always figured that with the bar set that low, actual bad days should be rarity. Today was a very bad day. The eastern district of Canterlot, known as Decanter had always posed it’s own unique challenges. For one it was more diverse by far than most of the rest of the city, being home to earth ponies, various immigrant races, and more recently, the local changeling hive of Princess Fast Change. Until the bakery incident, it was largely a very friendly district for the lunar guard, actually.

And then that damned goon Stormy Night had to go and try to take out the Train Wreck. Nothing like the perceived murder of a local hero to turn public relations sour. If that wasn’t enough, an uncomfortable portion of his guards actually sympathized with that damned sociopath. The problem as he saw it, was that there were too many Lunar Guards who quite obviously did not need to have the job.

Like the two clowns who had caused his current head-ache. He should have sent the damned noble SOB packing back to Celestia’s court, and fallout be damned. He knew there was going to be trouble. Some stick up his flank noble throwing his weight around demanding that charges be brought against his daughter for vandalising his estate when she ran off with some stallion from Decanter. If he had known she was with THAT family, he would have told the unicorn where he could stick his noble influence.

This was never going to have gone well, but the to flank-hat corporals who made the arrest had taken it the worst possible direction. Now there was a well-known, well-liked, mentally handicapped changeling mare in the hospital with a concussion. There were a good six to twelve ponies outside the guard house at any given time making demands of varying unreasonableness, and it was only a matter of time before… the captain felt a tremor and severely hoped it was only the beginning of a major earthquake.

-=-=-=-=-

“Where is Z and Carrot?” The captain fought hard to keep a bad day getting worse by wetting himself in front of the troops. Being set fire to and buried alive had NOT made the Train Wreck’s appearance any less frightening. Quite the opposite in fact.

“Mr. Pastel,” the guard captain began, “I want you to know that your herd-mate is in stable condition in Canterlot hospital. The guards who assaulted her will be severely disciplined! I know you haven’t had the best of experience with her Majesty’s Lunar guard…”

“Carrot Plate,” the beast’s lower mandibles only opened slightly, but the threat was clear, “where is she?”

“Enough!” Luna bellowed as she entered the precinct, “Mr. Pastel, I understand your concern, I truly do, but I cannot allow you to bully my royal guard! You do not treat my sister’s guard in this fashion. Nor the royal guard of Princess Fast.”

“Or you Warlocks either.” Train wreck rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Maybe because they didn’t start a one way feud that ended with me being set fire to and buried alive. Your guard have put my sister in the hospital, tonight… And I don’t know what they’ve done to Carrot!”

“Your Majesty,” Captain Crescent Phase spoke respectfully, “I can assure you Miss Plate is quite safe. Her father has agreed to drop all charges against both perpetrators, and paid her bail. Miss Plate is in the custody of her parent’s as we speak…”

Retribution (Train Wreck): Through Proper Channels

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“I told that bastard what would happen if he pulled this shit.” Train Wreck turned to leave, only to find his way blocked by the Princess Luna. “With all do respect your majesty, I have one sister in the hospital and a mare I promised to protect has been returned to a very bad situation. Both were by the actions of your guard.”

“And now you will sulk off to fix our kingdoms problems by your own say?” Luna raised an eyebrow. “You, the glorious alien hero, charging off to ‘fix’ our world, because obviously you know better than us.”

“What am I supposed to do?” The monster fumed in agitation. “I tried to live a quiet, unassuming life! Hell, I was a baker’s husband. You don’t get much more unassuming than that! And you damned ponies set fire to me and buried me alive for it! But, hey, I got better. I woke up in a basement tied up by a confused and abused mare who was being pimped for political favor by her own family…”

“So you promptly abducted her into your own herd?” Luna interrupted, “You can see how that appears from the viewpoint of others. You could have brought the issue to the attention of myself or my sister. Miss Plate could have been safeguarded and her father brought to justice. Instead, you took it upon yourself to execute your own ‘justice’. You destroyed everything in your path to escape and sought to keep Miss Plate safe in your own custody. But you have no legal authority, thus it was easy enough for the fiend to use my own guards as his tools to re-abduct his daughter back into bondage.”

“By the same token Miss Plate could have taken you to the hospital.” Luna continued cooly not allowing any time for objections to be raised. “You could have received the medical treatment you desperately needed. Instead she dragged you home, hid you from her parents and cared for you as best she could, but she was no doctor, as the resulting mess of scar tissue testifies. And now as a result of two errant ponies who simply refused to trust in the world around them, Miss Plate is in iminently more danger now, as her father has been threatened and enraged, and you have become an even more frightening spectacle, further alienated from a world that already feared and mistrusted you. And the irony is, that both of you were so very clearly motivated to help the other.”

“I-” The monster started, and then stopped. Everything she said was true. He had only sought to help, but in the end the princess was right on every point. Not only was Carrot in worse danger than before, Z had gotten hurt and was laying in a hospital right then, because of him. “You’re right your majesty.”

“Well then,” Luna nodded curtly, “Are you going to sulk about it, or are you going to come with me and teach this arrogant stallion that the law of Canterlot is not his personal plaything, and will not tolerate his abuses any longer?”

The Princess of the Night did not wait for a reply. Without another word or a look back she was out the door and into the air. Train Wreck for his part galloped hard beneath her through the streets below. The ground shook, ponies ran for cover and the owner of at least one fine china shop submitted an only slightly exaggerated claim for damages from the resulting tremors.

Thus it was that they were by no means unexpected when they arrived. Golden Plate stood sulkily among his peers of the noble houses of Canterlot., surrounded by more than a dozen private unicorn guards.

“That’s far enough, beast!” The lead guard growled as his fellows lowered their heads and charged their magic in unison.

“Stand down!” Princess Luna commanded as she landed gracefully. “Stand down unless you wish to assault your reigning sovereign!”

The guards shuffled nervously but held their ground. A unicorn stallion, quickly recognized by both the princess and the former human as Fancy Pants approached the princess, pointedly ignoring Train Wreck. “Greetings your majesty, I believe I know why you’re here, and I think you’ll find the matter is already quite well taken care of.”

“Where is Carrot Plate?” the monstrous stallion advanced dangerously.

“Once we became aware of the situation with the Plate household your majesty, the noble houses took action to place Miss Plate in a safe environment fitting to her station and beyond the reach of any… less seemly influences.” The stallion gave a pointed look to the scarified monstrosity he otherwise continued to ignore. “She has been placed on a train to Manehattan where she will serve as the Nanny for the Saddle Arabian Ambassador's foals. She will be safe, well treated and well taken care of. She will be protected from her father’s abuse and the noble houses will be protected from any arising scandal. We have no need for lawless monsters to settle our affairs in Canterlot, thank you very much.”

“Fancy Pants,” Luna spoke severely, “What exactly is the meaning of this?”

“Miss Carrot Plate is safe.” Fancy Pants examined one hoof as if it were the most important thing in the whole of Equestria. “She has been removed from a toxic home environment, and she is gainfully and productively employed. The problem has been solved.”

“I see.” Train Wreck fumed quietly. “So long as Carrot Plate is safe, then, I have to attend to my own family.”

The argument between Luna and the noble stallion fell on deaf ears as the monster known as Train Wreck stalked off towards the hospital.

-=-=-=-=-

“They took Z’s sister, Carrot?” Z-978 lay in her hospital bed sobbing in confusion. “We must get her back! We must go to this thing that is Manehattan and we must get her back! She is our family!”

“It’s not that simple honey.” Surprise patiently explained to the heart-broken changeling. “Legally, Carrot wasn’t actually a member of our herd yet. Unless she comes back on her own we would be abducting her.”

“She’s safe.” Train Wreck bowed his head saddly. “That’s all I ever wanted. If we push this, Z, one of you could get hurt again. Or Carrot could get hurt.”

“It’s not fair!” The confused changeling sulked.

“They can take anything they want from us!” Diane’s rage was more articulated. “They can take anything the want and the Nightmare Princess will just let them! Why does Princess Luna hate us so much, Uncle Train Wreck?”

Outside the door, the Princess of the Night backed away and left quietly. The nobles had sent their message, and it had done far more damage than she had thought possible.

Retribution (Surprise & Diane): Blacklisted

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“What do you mean my business license has been denied?!?!” Surprise tried, mostly unsuccessfully to control her temper in the face of the smirking unicorn functionary. “It’s an extension of an existing license! This should be a formality!”

“Well,” the bureaucrat replied cheerfully, “There’s been some health complaints raised about a animal you kept in your old location.”

“Anim- no…” Surprise tried to control her breathing and calm down as the implication struck her in the face. “Just no. I know you are not referring to my husband.”

“I don’t know your relationship with the animal in question,” the unicorn giggled cruelly, “And the complaint doesn’t list the animal in question’s species, but from the description in sounds like maybe it’s some kind of bear… wait, it say’s ‘mandibles’, so… bugbear? Is your husband a bugbear, ma’am? At any rate, having a trained bear serve cupcakes is a clear violation of the Canterlot Code of Health. I realize Decanter might operate by lower standards than Restaurant Row, but basic regulations still apply.”

Surprise would later be thankful that Diane wasn’t present to hear the language she used, before during and after security had removed her from the building. The truth is most of said language she had actually learned from her daughter, but she still wanted to set a good example. After the anger faded she just stood there on the sidewalk for a long time. She didn’t know what to feel about what she had just witnessed. She just felt numb. All the times she had told Train Wreck that ponies were basically good. All the times she told him that they would accept him as a good pony if he just gave them a chance. It was all lies. He was nothing more than an animal to them.

Not that the business license made much of a difference, given that not a single realtor in Canterlot could find a location for lease for her business. She couldn’t even find an available apartment. By some coincidence not a single property was available anywhere in the city. It was a logistical miracle! In a city where ponies constantly moved in and out, and new business started and closed daily, not a single property was ever available when she inquired.

-=-=-=-=-

“I’m really very sorry Mr. Pastel.” The little umbrum teacher was clearly distressed. “I want you to know that this is NOT my decision, or the schools. Diane is one my favorite students.”

“It’s okay, Ms. Shade Fire.” The massive pony heaved a heavy sigh. He honestly couldn’t believe they had taken it this far. “I know it’s not you.”

“I just can’t believe the school board would have the nerve to claim your daughter is a danger to student safety!” The teacher was easily as outraged as the parent. “Diane is a model student. The official who brought the notice actually questioned if she was even a changeling at all! Right in front of her! I am so sorry. I know how self conscious she can be about her appearance, and to have an adult pony just rub it in her face like that…”

“Yeah.” Train Wreck’s mandibles clicked in agitation. “Well, like I said, it’s not you.”

“I’ll send lessons over to the hive with Zap and Glenda. So she will still get her education.” Shade Fire smiled weakly, well aware how hollow her offer must sound.

“I appreciate it, Ms. Shade Fire.” The stallion did his best to give a warm smile, well aware that his appearance probably made the gesture useless.

-=-=-=-=-

Celestia was surprised, and a little disappointed to hear that Fancy Pants had been involved in the Plate affair. Her sister on the other hand was livid. At least two of the lunar guard had been summarily dismissed, and it had taken quite a bit of soothing on Celestia’s part to prevent her sister from charging the two with criminal assault. While it may have been entirely appropriate, Celestia feared that the effect on morale would be devastating to a force that was already having more than it’s share of problems keeping discipline in the ranks.

The lunar guard had never been especially popular, but since the bakery incident they were looked on with out-right suspicion. As the most public face of the lunar pegasi, their public image was doubly important. To the average pony, the Lunar Guard might be the only lunar pegasi they ever encountered. Luna had begun to take this into account, giving them regular patrols both night AND day, to make their efforts more visible to the public. To have the noble houses use them as pawns in a petty and personal vendetta… this was simply not good.

Further, the silence from the Pastel family was troubling. They had very legitimate grievances, and the heads of that household were not known for their timidity.

“Your Majesty?” the diarch was brought to attention by the voice Rock Solid, a minotaur from East Decanter. His was a regular voice of dissent in her court, though not an unwelcome one.

“I’m sorry Mr. Solid.” Celestia smiled warmly. “I was lost in my own thoughts. Actually I’ve gone over your petition of grievances and I think I see where we can work to resolve…”

“I’ve come to withdraw my petition.” The minotaur bull interrupted, speaking plainly.

“Pardon me?” Celestia blinked, certain that she must have misheard.

“I wish to withdraw my petition of grievances.” Was she mistaken or was there a note of bitterness when he spoke.

“I don’t understand?” Celestia was honestly quite perplexed, she had just been in the process of telling the bull that she was open to working with him to resolve the issues he had brought before the court. Rock Solid was a level headed and civic minded member of his community. This kind of sulky behavior wasn’t like him at all.

“Your nobles have made their point, my son needs his education.” Rock Solid nearly snarled as he turned to leave without waiting to be dismissed. “I won’t bother the royal court again.”

There were hushed murmurs throughout the court. Celestia noticed Fancy Pants in particular shuffled uncomfortably. Most of the nobility had the good sense not to look too pleased with themselves. Most, but not all.

Retribution (Train Wreck): The Backlash

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“Diane! Train Wreck! You have visitors!” Surprise’s voice sang with excitement.

“‘Ey Dee, did you miss me yet?” a cocky blonde minotaur youth strolled into the room.

“Oh, Steady.” Diane swished her eyes before they went hard as steel. “You know I never miss!”

The two launched into each other in flurry of playful blows. “Not inside!” The scarified monster shouted in unison with the… gingerest minotaur Train wreck had ever seen.

“Yeah, you were human, right? I’m a ‘ginger’ ain’t I? Not even sure what that even means, but it’s some kind of human joke.” The bull grinned. ”I see ya dropping Diane off. Most anybody sees ya these days.”

“Ponies don’t want to see something like this,” Train Wreck ducked his head and sulked in a massive ball of scar tissue.

“Is that what you think? Look, I don’t know what what you see in the mirror, Mr. Pastel, but I know what Indigo Zap, and Glenda’s parents see.” the minotaur laid free hand over the Train Wreck’s withers. “And I know what Autumn Dusk’s parents see, I know what every pony in Decanter who was at that damned circus sees. We see hope.”

“Hey, Steady,” Diane suggested in the background, “Wanna see my room?”

“Door open! Z, look in at five to ten minute intervals, pancake watch!” Train wreck responded.

“There will be no ‘pancakes’ on Z-978’s watch!” Z replied faithfully.

“Heh,” the minotaur laughed, and then got serious, “I’m Rock Solid, Mr. Pastel, and I got sort of nominated to come look in on you. It’s no secret what the nobles are doing. They like to throw their weight around, and they don’t like change. Seeing them steamroll over you like this, it has an effect on the community. I mean if they can do this to you, the rest of us don’t even have a chance.”

“What do you want me to do? Charge in and bust ‘em up? Because except for that one time, that’s not really how I operate.” The tazzle-pony huffed in frustration. “Besides, this isn’t a problem I can break.”

“For starters, you and Diane should be out there where ponies can see you,” Rock Solid asserted, “You and her used to walk around the neighborhood all the time. Sure you scared the shenanigans out of a lot of ponies, just walking around smiling, but it was fun. Most of those same ponies would laugh themselves silly as soon as you rounded the corner. Ponies are easy to startle, sure, but if they really thought you were a monster, do you think they would have brought their foals to buy your cupcakes? Just Deserts was more than a bakery, it was… a legend really. When that place burned it burned out a part of community's soul with it. We all thought you had died saving little Autumn Dusk. Your funeral was… we were all there. Talking to Surprise, we suddenly realized how alone you really were.”

“I got better.” Train Wreck laughed at his own joke.

“The burning of the Just Deserts nearly killed this neighborhood.” The bull continued soberly. “It was like we all realized we had been given something magical, but we realized it too late. We had been given this magical place where a big friendly monster laughed and served cupcake to little school foals. And we let it burn down.”

“That wasn’t on you, not any of you.” Train Wreck lifted his head and spoke quietly.

“No, it is because we should have had your back.” Rock Steady pushed his case. “I’m the semi-self-appointed community spokes-bull. I should have been at the damned Lunar Guard-house telling the Captain to tell his little ponies to back off. You shouldn’t have had to stand alone. You shouldn’t have thought you were alone.”

“I- I’m not alone.” Train Wreck countered defensively, rising to his hooves. “I have Surprise! And I have Diane! And I have Z!”

Almost in answer, Z-978’s buzzy voiced echoed across the suite, “Hey, you two! NO PANCAKES!”

“Geez!” Diane complained from her room. “We’re just wrestling, Z!”

“Z-978 has her eyes on you missy! Both. Of. Them.” They could hear the older changeling asserting her authority. “There will be no pancakes!”

“Should we…” The bull raised an eyebrow.

“Z has it under control.” Train Wreck found himself laughing for the first time in days. “Look, Rock Solid right… wait a minute is your kid named Rock Steady?”

“Yes, and I have no idea why that’s funny to humans or what the clop it has to do with turtles,” the minotaur admitted, “This human down at The Belfry, ‘Jake’ I think his name was, tried to explain it to me, but now I’m just more confused. Why would turtles learn biped martial arts? And how would they learn it from a rat. I’m sorry, but your culture is weird.”

“Yeah, you got a point,” Train wreck admitted with a shrug, “But what is it you want from me? I mean, this was a really nice pep talk but it’s leading somewhere.”

“We're gonna have street carnival,” the ginger minotaur announced cheerfully,”We’re taking back our community, we’re gonna show that some twisted whatever-that-was at the circus can’t keep us down! The freaks are gonna be there, the goat’s even coming out of his hole.”

“And you want me to come out for it, like this?” Train wreck asked incredulously.

“You and Diane.” The minotaur nodded vigorously. “Look, all you gotta do is smile. All we want is to show the nobles there’s still something unbreakable in Decanter.”

“I- I’ll think about it.” Train Wreck sank back to the floor in sulky heap.

“Look, I get why you wanna hide. I’m not blind but I was at the circus. I was less drugged than most and I saw you,” Rock Solid spoke with conviction, “We were done. That thing had won, and then the princess marched in, with you looking like you had climbed fresh out of the fiery pits of tartarus. You marched right into the middle of that rape-storm and you faced down whatever it was that we couldn’t even see. And it damn near broke you. I can see that. But I’m hoping it’s just ‘damn near’. Because we need the unbreakable Train Wreck right now. We need you, we need your family. We need your smiles. This neighborhood has cried too much. It needs to laugh.”

Retribution (The Pastel Family): A Break in the Storm

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“This is gonna be great Uncle Train Wreck!” Diane danced around with excitement as if the street carnival was about to start, and not still days away. “My whole class is gonna be there, and you and mom are gonna have a cupcake booth and… what’s wrong? It’s Carrot isn’t it.”

Diane hadn’t really warmed up to Carrot Plate as much as the rest of the family. But she HAD saved her uncle Train Wreck. And having her around did make Z happy. “She’s coming back, you know that don’t you?”

“Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Luna assured me that Fancy Pants wouldn’t keep her locked up against her will, and that if he says she’s safe then she is.” The giant stallion sighed and smiled. “That’s all I was trying to do. And I did it. If she wants to come back and be a part of our family, I hope she knows she’s always welcome. If not, then we wish her well and we hope for the best for her.”

“Seriously, Train Wreck,” Diane answered in her most grown up, serious voice, “she kidnapped you and nursed you to health in her basement while hiding you from her abusive parents. She’s totally coming back.”

The little changeling queen snuggled into her guardians side on the floor of the suite. “I bet if you still had fur back there you’d have a cutie mark. I mean you came back from THAT! If that didn’t get you a cutie mark then what the heck have you gotta do?”

“I’m sure it’s back there up under the scar tissue somewhere.” Train Wreck gave a little laugh. “Probably a wrecking ball. But anyway, kiddo, you gotta quit being so mean to Princess Luna. She’s a really nice mare, and she’s one of the co-rulers of the country we live in.”

“When did you jump into the moon-butt fan club?” The little changeling wrinkled her nose in distaste.

“That’s ‘Princess Luna’, gods in hell don’t call her moon-butt to her face.” Train Wreck face hoofed profoundly. “Again, ruling Diarch. But to answer your question, she’s been helping me alot with my nightmares since the circus. She wants to help you too, but you keep calling her nasty names until she leaves. That really hurts her feelings, Dee. Why do you hate her so much?”

“Because it’s her fault,” Diane said sulkily, “Charlie became the Nopony because of what happened when she put him in that dream world. And that means everything he did to… to everypony he hurt… it’s all her fault.”

“Diane, this isn’t really about Luna, or what Nopony did to everyone else.” Train Wreck coiled his snakes around the little filly and squeezed her gently, “It’s about what he did to you, and that was his fault. It wasn’t Luna’s fault, and it certainly wasn’t yours.”

“You don’t know that!” Diane struggled free of her uncle’s embrace and glared accusingly, “Maybe if I hadn’t stolen that damned card and projected myself into the dream, it would have worked! Maybe if he had a real nurse managing his pod he would have gotten better!”

“And then what? Dee?” The Train Wreck sighed patiently. “Z would still be dead. I wouldn’t even exist. And you’d still be living alone in Canterlot, doing things you hate to survive until one day you got old enough to lay a clutch of eggs and instead of a time traveling crazy horse, we’d have a bitter, spite filled evil queen. I like my evil queen tiny and pink and adorable, thank you very much.”

“Train Wreck!” The little changeling swatted his muzzle and blushed fiercely. “My carapace has been getting lighter lately though.” Diane pranced in a playful circle. “I was wondering when somepony besides Steady was gonna notice.”

“So you DO got a thing for Rock Steady?” Train Wreck chuckled deviously. “So I was wise to put Z on pancake watch, I see.”

“Train Wreck!” The joke earned the laughing stallion another swat. “That was SO embarrassing! I swear if you do that again, I’m gonna take Steady to the kitchen, and you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna actually make pancakes! Real, light, fluffy, and delicious pancakes. And then you can try to explain what’s going on to my sister!”

“No fair!” The stallion laughed out loud. “Z would have a melt down on the spot! You now how litteral she can take things! We might actually have to explain to her that actual pancakes don’t cause omelettes! And gods in hell if there’s actually an actual omelette involved! You could ruin this family's breakfast for untold ages!”

“Not my fault,” Diane giggled cheerfully, “I’m not the one who made baked goods and pastries our families code-language.”

“Yeah, I think that was your mom,” Train Wreck laughed.

“You think what was me?” Surprise strolled into the suite grinning.

“There is no time for this playful talking with words!” Z-978 burst into the room quickly. “There is a letter! You must open the letter and read it to Z! It is a letter from Carrot Plate!”

The rest of the family quickly learned that no one was going to be able to speak a complete sentence until somepony read the letter.

~~Dear Pastel Family,~~
~~Dear Train Wreck~~
Dearest Train Wreck, Surprise, Z-978, and Diane,
I’m sorry
I’m terribly sorry to have put you through so much worry. I writing this from the station in Manehattan. The train ride here was so terrible. I knew Fancy Pants said I was safe, but I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t know if Z was safe. The diplomats' family were all very nice to me, though they had some harsh words to say to Mr. Fancy. They were under the impression the Train Wreck had been the one who had foal-napped me. They said I had to stay with them until they got everything sorted out, because they wanted to make sure they were sending me back to a safe place. I guess I understand that, but I was pretty angry at the time.
When Fancy Pants got there later to try and “explain” things, well, I can tell you that somepony had some things explained to him! First off I set him straight that Trainwreck never foal-napped anypony. If anything, I abducted Train Wreck, and the nobles had definitely foal napped me, but Train Wreck never abducted anypony.

-
“Told ya so!” Diane stuck her tongue out at Train Wreck.

“Be quiet little pest queen!” Z scowled at her sister in irritation. “Train Wreck must continue reading the letter until he has reached the end!”
-

Then his wife has to jump in and explain to me all the horrible things she’s heard I was going through gossipping with all the nobles wives about “that poor unfortunate little abused filly being forced into that monster’s harem”! I’m not joking. Those may not have been the exact words, but basically that was what she said.
And Fancy Pats tried to write it off as one big misunderstanding, but I was having none of it. This whole thing started because a bunch of gossipy, perverted, old mares made up a bunch of rumors and suddenly demanded their husbands do something about it! For years, my father pimps me out to every royal and dignitary on Equus who looks halfway interested, and not a peep! I spend a few days with an actual loving family, and...ew…
You don’t even want to know what they thought was going on. Just ew. I’m not even gonna write it down because I know you’re reading this to Z. And I know she won’t let you skip ahead. But seriously ew. The Nobles wives are weird. They were spreading rumors amongst themselve that would make Diane blush.

-
“Hey!” Diane huffed in irritation.

“Diane must be quiet! Train Wreck must continue reading!” Z glared daggers at her sister, who sheepishly withdrew.
-

But we can deal with that tomorrow I guess. I saved this part for last, you’ve probably guessed, I’m coming back… or home… I’m coming back home. Fancy Pants has bought us tickets on an express train back to Canterlot, so by the time you get this letter…

“H-hi, everypony, I’m really sorry I caused so much trouble. Is Z okay?”

“Carrot Plate must be quiet or Z will never know what will happen by the time Train Wreck finishes reading her this letter!” Z-978 rolled her eyes impatiently at the continued interruptions.

Retribution (Fancy Pants): The Cabal

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“Mr. Train Wreck.” Fancy Pants nodded stiffly.

“Nancy Pants.” The monster smirked in return.

“It’s ‘Fancy’ Pants if you don’t mind, sir,” the unicorn said stiffly.

“I know your name.” Train Wreck rolled his eyes. “I was being insulting, specifically I was questioning your masculinity.”

“I see,” the unicorn replied looking at the giant burn-victim with clear disdain, “I’ll be rather direct than. I don’t like you, Mr. Train Wreck.”

“Like I care what a dirty foal-napper thinks of me.” Train Wreck’s mandibles clicked audibly. “Of course you’ll never see court I’m sure. You and your kind never play by the same rules as the rest of us.”

“As if you play by rules at all.” Fancy snorted with disdain.

“”You’ve got some nerve!” The monster stamped the floor, rattling the room. “You send in the lunar guard to abduct Carrot Plate, and bust up my sister…”

“I’m sorry your herd mate was injured, Mr. Train Wreck, but…” the unicorn started only to be interrupted.

“Shut. Up.” The monster's face bisected as his snakes emerged snapping angrily. “It wasn’t bad enough that you had to bust up my family! You and your dirty little cabal have had us blacklisted! You sent a school board official to my daughter’s school to insult her and expel her in front of her class! You are sick! You are ugly! You are a vile little worm of a pony, MISTER Fancy Pants, and were I even half the monster you and yours paint me up to be I would break you. Gods in hell, I want to break you right now.”

“”I- I don’t know what you mean sir,” Fancy Pants stammered, lost between confusion, concern, and fair amount of quite justified fear, “I’ll have you remember I was in Manehattan for the past few days assuring the safety of…”

“Just get out.” The creature turned and stalked out of the room. Faced with the stern glares and wall of silence of the remaining Pastel family Fancy Pants deflated somewhat and quietly exited.

-=-=-=-=-

Fancy Pants walked through Decanter back towards Upper Canterlot in dishevelled dismay. He had not been expected to be greeted as a friend by the lawless stallion that was known as Train Wreck, but it had in fact been largely a misunderstanding and he had believed it could be handled civilly at least. A part of him, a large part in fact, wanted to simply write off the entire exchange to the brutes failure to behave in a civilized fashion. But the accusations were not of the “you’re out to get me” variety. They were very specific and very personal. Most troubling was the accusation involving the youngest pastel being publicly humiliated and pulled out of school.

He had signed on with this plan to restore the rule of law. No pony was above the law. He believed that to his very core. But if what the stallion claimed was true (and he had no real reason to lie about it) then his peers had clearly overstepped that goal and things had gotten quite out of hoof while he was away with his wife dealing with the whole fiasco surrounding Miss Plate.

That, in and of itself bothered him deeply. Miss Plate herself was firmly of the opinion that he and his peers had abducted her against her will from what she insisted was a safe, and indeed, very healthy family environment. Her accounts of the daily lives of the Pastel were very much contrary to the generally believed rumours of the “Monster Harem” that floated around Upper Canterlot. He had begun to reassess his thinking on this matter when he found his thoughts quite suddenly interrupted by a diminutive umbrum mare flittering angrily in front of him.

“You nobles should be ashamed!” The tiny mare seethed with rage. “After everything the Train Wreck has done for us here in Decanter you filthy animals just ride down from your mansions and destroy his family’s lives! And hurting an innocent filly! One of my own students! Just to put us commoners in our place? You nobles are scum! You may call the Pastels monsters, but they’re better ponies than you parasites will ever be!”

“M- madame, please,” Fancy pleaded politely, but was interrupted by a voice from an angry crowd that had begun to form.

“Where were you and and your attack dogs in the royal guard during the circus?!” A harsh voice accused, drawing calls of assent.

“I bet they’re the ones who sent that guard to burn down the bakery!” Another voice called out angrily. “You know the lot got foreclosed by one of their big Upper Canterlot banks!”

“And they raised the rent on all of us down here in Decanter, too! Said it was insurance!” A third angry voice rang out, as Fancy felt a moist thump against the back of his head.

Fancy Pants barely had time to register that they were pelting him with rotten fruit as he gallopped through the streets. It was unthinkable! He went above and beyond to maintain his reputation with the common ponies. As he fled back to the safety of his own luxurious home, he wondered what had happened in the scant days he had been gone to cause the situation to deteriorate so completely.

-=-=-=-=-

“You’ve gone too far!” Fancy Pants addressed the assembled nobles coldly.

“The beast is still in Canterlot,” Sneered Gold Brick, “I’d say that means we haven’t gone far enough yet.”

“Fancy is right!” Civil Doctrine interjected, “You had the family’s daughter thrown out of school!”

“Gives the brute something to think about next time he thinks he can rattle his betters, I say,” Upper Crust chuckled wickedly.

“Or it gives him every motivation to turn his ire against us directly.” Fancy Pants brought his hoof to the table with a resounding thud. “Not to mention enraging public sympathy against ourselves.”

“Oh, spare us your dire warnings that the peasants are revolting,” Gold Brick rolled his eyes with disdain. “We’re finally getting treated with the respect we’re due! Seeing that damned biped cow drop his gripe-list the royal court alone makes the whole thing worth it.”

“You fool!” Fancy nearly spat the words as he glared at his peer. “Rock Solid knew exactly what he was doing! Train Wreck Pastel may be a lawless brute, but in that neighborhood he’s a hero. Solid has his own agenda, and we have handed him a martyr for his cause.”

“What do you propose we do about it?” Upper Crust grumbled.

“For starters, we stop acting like lawless hooligans ourselves.” Fancy asserted himself boldly before his peers. “We stop blacklisting his family, and we withdraw the objections to his daughter attending school.”

“One does not simply ‘call off’ a black list, Fancy Pants,” Upper crust spoke up, “Getting his daughter back in school is an easier prospect, but by no means assured. We’ve set the wheels of the bureaucracy in motion, they don’t stop moving quickly.”

“At any rate, we may well all have larger problems,” Civil Doctrine said in a measured tone, “This Train Wreck is a simple brute. Rock Solid is a thornier problem but one we understand. This John Smith… he is an unknown, and he is playing directly against the royal family themselves it seems. We should have left Golden Plate to the monster, we all know it was no worse than he deserved. We’ve spread ourselves thin failing to make an example out of an obvious beast, and left ourselves open to a far greater threat, I fear.”

The cabal of nobles sat in silence as they contemplated their next moves.

Retribution (Surprise): Sweet Vengence

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“Surprise,” Princess Fast Change asked with an arched eyebrow, “is that a catapult?”

“Don’t be silly your highness!” the minty green party mare giggled happily, “This is a trebuchet!”

“And I suppose it would also be silly to think that is a giant bomb it’s loaded with?” Fast Change certainly hoped it was silly.

“That, your majesty, is the state of the art Pastel Family Airborn Pie Delivery System, capable of delivering 163 cream-pies with tactical precision at a distance of up to 3.4 kilometers!” Surprise beamed with pride, before shouting orders to her assembled family. “Train Wreck, secure the launch arm! Z, Carrot, adjust ballistic aim to 35% north by northwest! Diane, set the sling to release at a 32% delivery angle!”

“Yes Ma’am!” the assembled Pastels responded in unison.

“Well then,” the changeling princess replied as she backed towards the hive slowly, “That’s definitely all the answers I want to know.”

-=-=-=-=-

Fleur Dis Lee was enjoying the party immensely. She truly loved hosting these charity galas in her and her husband’s private garden. She loved the pageantry of it all, the courtly intrigue. She loved seeing her normally somewhat stuffy noble peers walking around simply enjoying the beauty around them. She loved the fancy clothes, and the catered food. But mostly she loved helping gather charitable bits simply by doing something she loved so much.

It was a simply, beautifully, perfectly wonderful day for a garden gala. She was certain that her husband had spent no small amount of wealth and influence to ensure the weather teams did their part to make this simply the most wonderful event of the season. It was a perfect little distraction from the unpleasant unpleasantness.

The thought brought a brief frown to her pretty face. Why wouldn’t those unfortunate creatures simply accept her husband’s apology? Certainly they had been inconvenienced , but much of it was their own doing really. The brutish beast they called the Train Wreck. Certainly the monster meant well, perhaps, but when one runs amuck doing what one pleases without respect or regard for propriety, misunderstandings were bound to occur. She had never seen the creature, of course, but she had heard he was truly a frightful sight. Moreso since that horrible fire.

She felt a small tug of sympathy for the beast. It pained her to imagine being burned until there were only scars. To be rendered to such a state that even your own family might only dimly recognize you as the same pony. It pained her to imagine such a state, and thus she never even realized why it was that she found it so much easier to think of the creature as a thing, and not a pony. And so the thought was lost, and she once again wandered through the throngs of Canterlot Society as she made empty conversation with ponies it did not hurt to sympathize with.

-=-=-=-=-

Fancy Pants truly enjoyed these little soirees. It was a welcome chance to relax and associate with one's peers. One of the costs of a position in society, was that there were very few moments when one could truly relax. Friends were most often also rivals, if not out-right competitors. And problems rarely began or ended with one’s own affairs. The stallion scowled momentarily at his failure to keep himself separated from his work for this one evening.

It was a thorny problem however, and most of its causes walked and socialized around him. His peers had lost sight of the goal. They had become too obsessed with defeating the monster that had thrust itself, unwelcome, into their own affairs. The goal had simply been to rescue miss Carrot Plate and teach this beast one does not simply snatch one’s brides from their families homes on a whim. This wasn’t the first instance he had heard of humans and former humans running amuck as if the rules of society no longer applied. They were a capricious species and it had been beyond reckless for Discord to give one so much raw power.

There had always been speculation, and most of upper Canterlot had simply assumed that trapped inside such a form, the poor creature would sooner or later devolve into the base monster Discord had made it to be. Instead it had insisted on repaying their fear with scorn. Always so condescending as if it were the good ponies of Canterlot who should be ashamed… and the more Fancy Pants learned the more he wondered if the thing wasn’t right. And the thought made him uncomfortable, so he pushed it away.

“Jolly good show!” Fancy turned to see his colleague, Civil Doctrine staring attentively at the evening sky. “You never said anything about fireworks!”

Fireworks? It was the last puzzled thought to pass through Fancy Pants' mind before the bombardment began.

-=-=-=-=-

The ponies of Upper Canterlot would speak for years to come the great midsummer's pie storm. Proper Ladies and Courtesans would whisper in horror on their therapists couches until their dying day, reliving the sticky, sweet, delicious horror that had rained down upon them from a perfect blue sky. Little colts and fillies would chuckle years later as they regaled their own grand foals with the tales of laughter, the building of pie ponies, and the inevitable pie ball fights.

There was never any more talk of retribution against the Pastel family of East Decanter after that night. The unstoppable wheels of the Canterlot bureaucracy ground to an impossible halt, because there could be no question of who was responsible. Or of the nature of their great power. Noble parents heard it in the laughter of their own foals as they were pelted with balls of coconut cream. That day, the nobility had felt the unspeakable power of the Cupcake monster of Just Deserts, and when they listened hard that night, and for years after in their dreams, they could hear one family's laughter ringing across the city.

Who Are They? (Z-978/Diane) Super Fun Meta Chapter

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They were were the best and worst of sisters. Z has sworn to do better time. Z-978 will not listen when her sister tels her to do stupid things. Because she has learned that she can do that. She can just not listen to the stupid queen.

Diane must make herself smaller, pinker, and cuter. She has a rival and she is not happy about it. But she can't just bite off a significant portion, Train Wreck and Z would be upset...

Both have started suppressing their horn to emulate Surprise. Z actually uses her mouth for things now, Diane cheats... constantly.

Trials and Tribulations (Dead Lift): Lock Down

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“Stay on your side of the cell sunshine,” Stormy Night growled at the massive pale horse as the guards locked the door behind him.

“My side is whichever side I want it to be, bat!” Deadlift casually slapped the lunar pegasus to the floor with a foreleg. “And since you wanna be big on boundaries your share of the slop is whatever’s left over when I get done eating.”

“This isn’t right!” The gangly blue unicorn wailed from the adjacent cell. “I didn’t do anything wrong! Alias was the one who tied up that foal and…”

“Shut up Frank,” Deadlift snarled through the bars, “I’m of half a mind I should have caved in your skull right along with your wife… wives… whatever! You’re lucky to be in a cell.”

“You killed them!” Franklin Nathaniel Stein glared through the bars at the the massive earth pony. “You murderer! They were the most beautiful, gentle, loving creature on this damned horse-ridden planet, and you murdered them!”

“Your wife was monster, Frank.” Deadlift heaved a heavy sigh. “She was a cannibal. And you can go on all you want about her ‘nature’, but she wasn’t some dumb animal following instinct, she had three brains in those heads of hers that knew exactly what they were doing.”

“Why’s he get his own cell?” Stormy Night grumbled, mostly to himself. “Damned unicorns get all the breaks.”

“They’re worried I might lose my temper and beat him to death,” Deadlift explained, “Which they don’t seem to be too worried about me doing to you. Which makes me wonder, given that I know what HE did, what the hell did you do?”

“I drove a monster back into a burning building and let him burn back to Tartarus.” Stormy Night grinned broadly, showing no remorse. “I did Equestria a favor, just like you did. Just because he didn’t ‘hurt anypony’, we were all supposed to pretend it was okay to let that abomination walk around with normal ponies. I just wish his horse of wife and the little changeling monster he called a daughter could have burned with him! If I had my…”

The former lunar guard’s hateful words were interrupted by swift, bone shattering blow. When Deadlift spoke his words were careful and measured. “Maybe a broken jaw will teach you to keep your mouth shut. You’re damned lucky, luckier than Frank over there. I’m pretty sure I know the ‘monster’ you're talking about. And you didn’t kill him half as dead as you seem to think you did, and if you had hurt his daughter… I don’t think Ki would leave enough of you to bother burying.”

“Ki’s here?” Franklin sat up at the news, “He’s on this world? I thought we’d determined this was the wrong universe!”

“It’s not the Equestria that we initially contacted. It’s a parallel, if I had to guess.” Deadlift shrugged his equine shoulders in an almost human gesture.

“Of course! With our world out of resonance with the plague source, we must have been drawn to this parallel following his path of probability!” The unicorn pranced excitedly in his first real hint of enthusiasm since the night of the circus. “That means the first group is probably here too! If we could find them, I could compare notes with Donna and it’s possible we could triangulate a way home!”

“Stuff it Frank,” Deadlift replied in irritation, “Our mission ended when we threw in with Noone. We all agreed back then that our lives were on this world. Besides, from what I gathered, we got here years ahead of Ki. Even if the first group made it to this same world, we have no way of knowing when they arrived. Maybe it’s next week, maybe it’s a thousand years ago. Hell maybe that’s why we keep coming up on ponies with American names, I don’t know and I don’t care. This world has been our home for years, and we made a nasty mess of it. Ain’t no jumping ship now. We had our dance, now it’s time to pay the piper. I’m just glad the ponies could see that the others weren’t in on what happened. Me and you, though? This is exactly where we belong!”

“But I didn’t do anything Jimmy!” Franklin protested, “It was all Alias. She’s the one who tied up that poor filly and gave her to my wives. Yes she was wrong for what she tried to do, but it’s not like I could have stopped her!”

“Let’s just let lie for a minute just who it was that made all Iam’s drugs.” Deadlift looked at the unicorn with unveiled disgust. “Just answer me one question, Frank. Was that the first time it happened? Was it even the second? How many times of the times we had to pack up the tent and leave town in a hurry were so you and Noone could cover for your wife? How many foals never went home to their parents because your wife wanted something special for dinner?”

“T-that was the first foal, Jimmy, I s-swear!” Franklin stammered.

“That’s what I thought, you sick son of a bitch. And stop calling me Jimmy. My pony name is Deadlift. There’s no cure, there’s no going home, there’s no more mission. It’s time you got that through your pointy head.” the earth pony scowled.

“But if Ki’s here… he’s immune. He may not be Patient Pink, but his antibodies could…” the unicorns desperate thought process was interrupted again by Dead Lift.

“He’s not as immune as we thought, Frank.” Dead Lift’s tone softened as he spoke. “I’ve seen him, and he’s not just transformed, he’s a damned royal.”

“A princess?” Franklin’s face screwed in confusion.

“No, apparently he took the royal treatment without having his junk scrambled. But he’s definitely a royal. I could feel him buzzing in my head. The real question is is he still infected, and if not, who cleaned him out?” Deadlift sat back on his haunches only to jump at a new, unexpected voice.

“That is one of many questions, and how forthcoming the two of you are with answers will weigh heavily on your judgement.” Princess Luna melted effortlessly from the shadows, gesturing to the whimpering form of Stormy Night. “And what, may I ask happened to him?”

“He didn’t know the ‘monster’ he was bragging about murdering was a friend of mine.” Deadlift spoke evenly, without regret or remorse. “Now he knows better.”

Trials and Tribulations (Princess Luna): Interrogation

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“You have been more than cooperative up to this point, Mr. Deadlift.” The Princess of the night sat across the table from the former human known as Deadlift. “Indeed, you have only been arrested at your own insistence.”

“I wasn’t just an innocent circus performer your majesty. I was one of Iam Noone’s partners.” The earth pony heaved a heavy sigh. “It’s not like I didn’t know what he was doing. It’s not like I didn’t know it was wrong. But, Iam had a way of getting in your head and making things seem alright. Sure, we were slipping ponies drugs, but we had a hive to feed. Those changeling drones would have starved if it weren’t for Iam. It wasn’t a perfect solution… but… Dammit, even now I’m making excuses for him, and for me. I always knew that deep down there was something wrong with him, but I never thought it come all come crashing down like this.”

“Who is this Iam Noone? The Pastel Family is reeling from this event, and I am loathe to approach them for information, but you claim to have known the individual quite well. Please, anything you can tell me would be most helpful.” Luna’s words were calm, but Deadlift could hear the urgency behind them.

“So it’s safe to assume he escaped then?” Deadlift didn’t really need an answer and the princess didn’t supply one so instead he began to speak, slowly reliving that first fateful meeting.

-=-=-=-=-

We were… refugees in a sense, I guess you could say. Our world had experienced a plague caused by an attempt in pony world to establish peaceful contact between our universes. We never found a cure, but we were eventually, with help from the other world, brought the spread of the infection to a halt. Then one day, communications just stopped.

Travel between our worlds was tricky at best, even with guidance from the other side. The first team we sent to re-establish communications never made it back. It was decided that we couldn’t risk another princess in the attempt, so instead they chose to send us. We were all volunteers. We all knew it was a one way trip without a princess to bring us back. A regular unicorn like Franklin could never make the teleport. We went in, and if we could find the first team we came back with them. Then other things happened.

We came out in Fillydelphia, and we immediately had a rough time of it. Ponies shunned Michelle, Usagi, and the triplets, when they weren’t outright assaulted as “monsters”. We found a place to hide in the warehouse district and me and Franklin would go out and secure information and supplies. Yes, we stole, a lot. And no I don’t feel bad about it. We were aliens in a strange land. We had our friends to look out for.

It didn’t take long to figure out that we had the wrong Equestria. No lunar prince for starters. There were other tells, but that was the big one. So we had found a pony world, just not the right pony world. And we had no way of knowing if the first team had made it here, to another pony world all together, or somewhere even stranger. So we were stuck here. We had all known this might be a one way trip, but to realize it so completely… That’s when he found us.

Belle, Blossom, and Louise were playing in an abandoned lot. She’s older than she looks by the way, but she’s really very child… er… foal-like. She started as one human woman, by the way. The plague… it took odd turns with some of us. Most just ended up regular ponies… others not so much. But anyway, she was playing by herself and this weird dirt colored stallion approached her. Normally she’s pretty nervous about strangers, but after weeks of everypony either running away in fear or throwing things at her and screaming bloody murder… I guess she let her guard down.

She had enough sense not to bring him back to our hide-out, but she convinced me that she’d met a nice pony who I should talk to. So I went back to the lot, with Michelle and Usagi to back me up, and that’s when I met Iam Selrahc Noone. I’ll be honest, I didn’t realize it was a fake name until I saw it spelled out. All his names are fake. Iam Noone. Madame Alias. Mr. Nopony. Every one of his names means the same thing, nobody. Maybe that should have tipped me off.

He revealed himself as a changeling right off. I mean, why bother hiding that? No secrets between monsters. We hit it off from the start. He reminded me a lot of an old friend I’d lost back home, and he had an offer we couldn’t refuse. We were invited to join his hive, or rather Madame Butterfly’s hive. They were hiding in plain site on the outskirts of Filly posing as a carnival of sorts. Clowns, games, rides. They even got traveling performers like the Calypsos. Every little pony just loves the circus, so the hive was fed and nopony was the wiser. Hell, what were we gonna say? There aren’t many jobs for freaks and the circus was at the top of the list.

It should have gone good for us. For all of us. It turned out Iam was a former human, just like us. He said he had been brought over by some mysterious entity he called “the words”, or “the writing on the wall”. We were a family. Please, don’t go too hard on the drones. It wasn’t their fault. Very few drones can disobey even a leader caste changeling. And we really were a family. I’ll be honest your majesty, putting down Kimmy was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Kimmy was what we called her, Franklin’s wife, the chimera. The separate head names were all a part of the act for her. For years I knew her, and she seemed like she was exactly the way Franklin described. She was the kindest, gentlest, most loving soul I’d ever met… at least that’s what we all thought. To see what she was about to do… What I now know she had done before, god knows how many times…

-=-=-=-=-

The pale horse broke down completely, sobbing and spouting grief-filled gibberish, cursing himself and the cruel hooves of fate.

“That’s enough for now, Mr. Deadlift,” Luna said soothingly, “We’ll talk again later. I’m going to move you to more comfortable accommodations. You’ve done wrong but…”

“No, you put me back in that cage where I belong!” Deadlifts eyes were tearful and filled with self loathing. “I haven’t even told you half of it yet. I don’t think you even have laws to cover what we’ve… what I’ve done! You put me back in that cage, and you leave me in the dark and cold. It’s more than I deserve.”

Trials and Tribulations (Train Wreck): Meeting With Your Maker

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"Honestly, you're not nearly as much fun as I thought you'd be," Discord tsked as he floated over the sulking ruination of burned flesh before him, "Do you know Luna actually demanded that I change you back because she felt SORRY for you!?"

"What do you want Discord?" The Giant asked with disinterest.

"Oh don't be so glum, it's time for your semi-monthly performance review. Princess Purple-smart insists that performance reviews are important for the maintenance of standards, morale, and the optimum transference of friendship lessons." The draconequus sprouted a perfect replica of Twilight Sparkles mane as he spoke, eliciting an impatient sigh from his audience. "Oh come on that was funny. I thought you were the 'Bride of Laughter'? Well, fine then, let's start with what you've done right. You came out of the gates strong, and I really liked how you accidently beat up Fasties' guards. That couldn't have gone better. Everypony learned a valuable lesson, friendships were made, yada yada, I really expect more of that A-game from you in the future."

"I'm kinda busy lying in a heap, right now," Train Wreck grumbled and rolled over to face away from his creator.

"Really I thought you busy sulking and testing your wife's patience. You know they're not bringing you back any ice cream, right?" Discord continued his rambling cheerfully. "Where were we, oh yes... what you've done right. You rescued a little filly from a burning building. way to show off the chaotic GOOD, yay you. Also worth noting, you rescued an abused noble's daughter and then promptly claimed her into your harem, way to show off the CHAOTIC good, again, yay you."

"I got buried under a collapsed burning building," the monster snorted, "Yay me."

"Yes, you survived a fiery pit that would kill most OTHER alicorns, yay you indeed." Discord agreed with a chuckle. "Now let's get on to what you did... not so well. They told you that you couldn't ride a train, and you went along with it. I was... I hate to admit it, but I was less than proud of you that day."

"What was I supposed to do?" The monster snapped in annoyance.

"Well, lets see, Twilight says lists are really important in these sorts of things..." A list appeared in the Lord of Chaos' waiting paw. "For starters you could have wrecked the train. Not very good, but certainly chaotic. You could have boarded the train and sat quietly until they tried to remove you, gave up and called the nearest Princess, and eventually decided to be reasonable and just started the train with you onboard. Or, and this is my personal favorite, you could have taken a page from your adorable daughter's playbook and seen how much of that bat-guards head would fit in your mouth before he publicly soiled himself."

"Now on to the last, and I'm really loathe to even bring this up, because it's partly... a lot... well mostly if I really MUST be honest, my fault..." Discord looked around with self conscious nervousness.

"It's not your fault, what happened with the nobles," Train Wreck said with real feeling, "They would have reacted the exact same way if I had been human. Actually so would I. Property damage would have been less impressive. And the two private guards would probably be more brain damaged, and permanently impaired. But nothing that I did to the venerable Mr. Plate is anything I couldn't have done as a human with a good beating stick. Being a Giant Monster just made it more funny, and less clockwork orange. For the record, I have never once asked to be turned back. I just keep expecting ponies to stop acting like I'm going to eat they're horse babies."

"Now THAT'S what everypony has been missing!" Discord laughed truthfully and grinned. "But that's not what I'm talking about. Honestly you handled the nobles in a satisfactory fashion. I'll admit I had my doubts at first. It was all sucky and doom and gloom, but then BOOM! Pie Storm. Nopony expects it to end in storm of pies. And no fancy 'snapping your fingers" for you, you used the family trebuchet. Which means you have a family Trebuchet."

"I'm not sure why that surprised anypony. It took days to assemble. We started the day they took Carrot." Train wreck explained while Discord listened with uncharacteristic patience. "Ponies would ask what we were doing, and then they'd just write it off as the Pastels being the Pastels. So for for a week straight, between when we got Carrot back, and their big fancy garden party, we each baked 12 pies a day. When we weren't baking pies, we were researching Canterlot geographic surveys, and calculating ballistics. The P-FAP DS 167 was Surprise's baby. Nopony should ever know how she fit so many pies into such a small war-head. Building the trebuchet was the easy part."

The chaos god chuckled to himself before continuing. “But as I was saying, you did a fine job handling the nobles. No the problem was the Nopony.” Train Wreck drew back sharply, and Discord let out a massive sigh. “And, if I have to be honest, and Fluttershy insisted that I really do HAVE to be honest about this… well… that was my fault. I knew all about the circus, and Madame Alias, and the drugs, and the drug orgy, and I said, ‘Meh, sounds like not my problem. This is why I made a monster alicorn-thing.’ If I had known…”

“Is he… me?” Train wreck asked sheepishly.

“Well now that’s a really tricky question,” Discord rubbed his chin thoughtfully, “In fact it’s so tricky I’m going to change the subject.”

With a snap of Discord’s talons the Cupcake monster of East Decanter found himself deep in the caves beneath Canterlot castle, facing a giant toothy pink worm-snake. Discord smiled cheerfully at his creation. “Train Wreck, meet Mountain Flower. She going to teach you how to use your tazzle-snakes properly.”

Before the giant tazzle pony could respond he was seized by the tazzle worm's own tendrils and drawn into its toothy maw.

-=-=-=-=-

“Train Wreck! We’re home! We have sherbert!” Surprise's voice sang out through the suite, when she suddenly noticed a large note written in mismatched crayon

Dear Pastel Family,
I borrowed your giant monster for educational purposes. I’ll have him back to you by tomorrow...ish. No more than three days. Four days tops. A week if he’s being more dense than usual.
Love, Luck, and Polypropylene,
Discord

Trials and Tribulations (Pastel Family): A Family Meeting With Sherbert

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“I- is he coming back?” Carrot plate asked nervously, as the family sat around the table eating rainbow sherbert.

“Of course he is, stupid!” Diane snapped, “If you were really part of this family you’d know that!”

“Diane will not call Z-978’s sister stupid!” The angry drone glared at her younger sibling. “Carrot plate IS part of this family! She is as much Z’s sister as the brat-queen!”

Carrot wilted, ears pinned back until Surprise stepped in. “Diane, there’s no need to take your frustrations out on Carrot Plate. She’s worried about Train Wreck just like we all are.”

“I’m sorry.” Carrot shuffled in place. “She’s right in a way. You all know each other. You know your place… I’m the outsider here.”

“Nonsense!” The green mare placed a fetlock around her newest herd-sister. “We’re a herd of strangers. We all came together looking for something we lost. Instead we found each other.”

“We all had a place in the dream world, mom.” Diane stamped her hoof in objection. “I’m the only one who actually saw the dream. There were versions of all of us. Train Wreck, Z, me, even you mom. SHE wasn’t there.”

“I’m sorry,” Carrot tried her best to shrink back into nothing. “I- I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t even know why I did it, but when I saw him there like that, I felt like I had to do something. So I dragged him home. He was still a little bit awake, and he tried to walk with me as best he could, and I didn’t know what else to do so I hid him in the basement. And I shouldn’t have tied him up, but if my father had found him there… and then… he sort of talked in his sleep…”

“Wait,” Diane interrupted thoughtfully, “You tied him up in a basement and he told you all his secrets?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have put it like that…” Carrot shuffled nervously.

“IT’S NOT FAIR!” The little queen screamed at the fates. “THAT at least was supposed to be MY part of it.”

“Diane, honey,” Surprise tried to soothe her daughter, but the Diane wanted none of it.

“No, mom,” Diane stamped her front hooves in unison, “The more that comes out the more obvious it is! Can’t any of you see it? I’M the one that doesn’t belong here!”

“Z-978 is confused,” the changeling drone admitted, “Her sister is the one who made this herd. She is the one who brought back the Train Wreck. She is the one Train Wreck and Surprise came together to make a family for. How can Diane not belong when she is the one who made this herd that was made for her?”

“You don’t get it!” Diane argued between sobs. “Luna’s dream was a reflection of the world. What happened in the dream is what happens now in real life! I wasn’t there. Not really! The Nopony said it himself, I just snuck in and stole the memories of the dream, but I wasn’t part of the Dream at all!”

“You’re sisters right, honey,” Surprise drew her distraught daughter into a tight embrace. “You weren’t part of the dream, you were what brought the dream together. Without you, there wouldn’t be a Pastel family. Train Wreck and your sister would be dead. I’d be alone, following a prince who was never going to see me as anything but a reminder of a nightmare he wanted to forget. Carrot would be trapped in a life she hated with no way out. You were the one who made the dream come true.”

“Diane,” Carrot said cautiously, “If it helps, you were almost all he ever talked about… right up until he woke up. I swear it’s true. Every third word out of his mouth was ‘Diane’. All he thought about was getting back to you.”

“Diane is just his word for ‘Pinkie Pie’,” Diane groused in denial, “He could have been talking about mom, or his Equestria’s Pinkie Pie, hell maybe this Equestria’s Pinkie Pie.”

“Or maayyybe he was talking about his daughter who very clearly has her mother’s mane, and her father’s smile.” Surprise hugged her daughter even tighter. “Do you even know how impossible you are? Enough worry-worting! You ALL belong in this family, and Train Wreck is just fine. He’s with Discord learning to do chaos stuff is all. Now, Diane, why don’t you tell us what happened at school today?”

“Oh!” the little chitinous filly exclaimed, angst suddenly forgotten, “There’s a new student. He’s a lunar pegasus, and he’s adopted too!”

“Have you made friends with him yet?” Surprised asked with real interest.

“Is he cute?” Carrot interjected.

“There are to be no pancakes,” Z-978 insisted.

“I’m still working on it, and yes, and thpt!” Diane blew a raspberry at her sister. “You’re not the boss of me, I’ll make pancakes if I want to… Maybe me and Moonbeam will even have a muffin party, what do you think of that?”

Surprise blushed fiercely, and Carrot looked confused, but Z danced excitedly in abject horror.

“There can be no muffins!” The drone buzzed in agitation and alarm. “What will Z tell Train Wreck if he gets back and there is an omelette situation?”

“Well, there won’t be any omelettes if it’s a CHOCOLATE muffin party, now will there?” Surprise grinned widely at her sister who just stammered wordlessly in shock and embarrassment.

“Okie Dokie Loki! That’s more than enough of that! It’s okay Z, Diane was just teasing you, she’s not really going to have ANY kind of muffin party ANY time soon.” Surprise stepped between the two and gave Diane a look that let her know this was a divine commandment. Silently adding, “This is karma for everything I put Limestone through, I just know it!”

Z-978 glared at her sister, who for her part just stuck out her tongue and smirked.

One Time, at School (Diane/Moonbeam): I Kissed a Bat

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Moon settled at his desk as his eyes darted around the classroom. He was still new to the place and those within it, but if he was going to do something, darn it, he was going to do it well! If only schoolwork paid half as well as AmNeigh stuff…

Diane’s compound eyes darted around the room. She was among friends. They were all her friends. That was important for reasons she didn’t really understand. Moonbeam.. He was part of THAT family. She refused to forgive them. Their Princess took everything she loved and turned it into everything she feared. His grandmother had shown nothing but cruelty to her mother. But Moonbeam, she could be his friend.

"Turn to page…" Miss Shadow started the lesson of the day, droning on for most to pay attention.

Moon may not have paying as much attention as he planned. He did take notes and scrawled softly, but was distracted by taking in his neighborhood, including the only changeling in the room. He watched her whenever he thought it wasn't returned, and he was good at it, mostly. He glanced away just as she glanced towards him.

Diane checked her form. Her horn was suppressed, Her ears were still spines, but not as long or sharp as what every mirror told her. She knew what she looked like inside. It was the price of the cards. She caught Moon’s eyes and tried not to smile… not to show her teeth.

He raised a hoof to wave shyly. "Mister Beam, is something distracting you?" He squeaked and faced forward dutifully, but even school had its breaks. The bell for lunch rang and he put away his books before heading out towards the yard where the other foals hung out. He pulled out a small bag on the way, his lunch perhaps.

“So,” Glinda slipped into place beside the new colt, Zap following jealously, “Were you here for the circus?”

He shook his head quickly. "I heard about that, but I was a bit busy." Busy scamming, he didn't mention. "Were you there?" He pulled out a lunch that seemed a perfectly balanced meal prepared by someone with no idea how to pack lunch but a burning desire to be a perfect parent.

“We were…” Zap started only to be interrupted by Glinda.

“It wasn’t there, it was here.”

“It wasn’t him.” Diane joined the table. “It wasn’t him and wasn’t any of them on the hill.”

“There wasn’t a ‘them’ that brought the Nopony, and there wasn’t a ‘them’ that put my uncle in the ground,” the little queen decreed. “You know I met your grandma right? Moons? Both of em. I don’t like either. How are you with that?”

Moonbeam blinked softly. "Princess Luna? What's wrong with her?" The idea that somepony wouldn't like Luna was foreign enough to distract him from the confusing conversation leading up to it. "She's pretty nice…"

“Do you know what she did?” Diane’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Oh please,” Glinda rolled her eyes, “Not the whole, “Luna put my uncle in an endless nightmare shtick. Seriously, your dad’s a monster. We get it.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Diane blushed fiercely.

Moonbeam crunched on his sandwich of meat and veggies, formulated to have everything a growing lunar pegasus needed to grow popular based on a scientific survey on the matter. "My mom's insane, my grandparents are all royalty. I kinda know that feeling, so, uh… hi?" He offered a wing towards Diane.

“I’ve been surviving in Canterlot since the invasion,” Diane looked at the colt in the eyes. “My smile doesn’t bother you? It does that… with ponies,,,”

He flashed his own teeth. Sure, his grin didn't go from ear to ear, but he had fangs and sharp teeth suitable for ripping and rending. They were predator's teeth. "What's your favorite meat?" he asked, tangenting away from the sensitive topic.

“Mom doesn’t like to cook it, but I like pork.” Diane grinned widely, “A few griffon shops carry it. My uncle usually does the cooking when we have real meat, mostly though it’s fish. It’s not like it’s real food anyway.”

Moon tilted his head. "Fish's real meat, last I checked." Though fish was the only meat he got to try before the AmNeigh thing. "So, uh… Do you mind if I ask who your pop is? He sounds cool if he can cook pork."

“You… don’t know? Have you heard of the cupcake monster? The Train Wreck?” Diane answered with her own head tilt.

"Shit," he said in a burst of coltish articulateness. "That's your dad? Awesome!" He smiled brightly again. "Can I see him?" He never got a chance to get a cupcake from the cupcake monster.

“He doesn’t like being looked at!” Diane became suddenly defensive. “And he’s not my dad. Changelings don’t have fathers. He’s my uncle.” That was why. Diane clung to that reason.

Moon pointed at himself. "You know my 'mom' is a unicorn, right? I mean… I'm adopted too. It's, um, well, guess it's not okay, but yeah…" He chewed his lunch rather than dig himself any deeper.

“Your right…” Diane simply nodded. “It’s not okay. How long were you out there? I was on my own since the invasion… I did what I had to do… even when I knew it was wrong.”

Was it the right time to mention it? He glanced away and back at Diane. ”Well, um.. Do you know about the, you know, AmNeigh thing?" He felt his way forward, leaving deniability in case that was an awful idea.

“I heard things” Diane batted her newly form formed lashes, “Were you a sheep or a wolf?”

That was an odd way to phrase it. He looked down a little, breaking the gaze. "I guess I was a wolf, and I had a nice fat sheep. I hunted her day after day, and one day, she wasn't a sheep anymore. She was an angry pony, but she didn't hit me or even be mad really… She picked me up and said it'd all be alright, and then that sheep became my mom, and here I am." He gushed it all without really thinking it through, some fresh tears welling up as the situation dawned on him anew.

“I want to show you something.” Diane decided she would take a chance. “If you want you to see it… it’s what I really am… What I see in the mirror.”

He blinked, tears running dry as curiosity overwhelmed him. He glanced over at her friends before nodding at her. "S-sure, lay it on me." How bad could it be?

In a flash of invisible green fire all of the adorable shark larvae Diane pretended to be was gone, replaced by a armored and spiney monster. Her friendly smile became a predatory grin. “This is me. I am a queen.”

He blinked softly, trying to take in what he was seeing. With a hoof he reached right across the table to examine his new 'friend'. "Cool." Big tough things rated that, even if he was clearly thrown right off balance by it. "I bet you could take on Tirek without pausing."

“I took on the Nopony, Tirek’s gonna take what again, my magic?” Diane cooed, “So I’m always this way? THIS is the truth, We are monsters.”

Diane looked closely at her “prey”. “Can I?”

He perked his ears. "Can you what?" he asked with coltish cluelessness. He drew his hoof away, then looked at her friends. "Did you know she could do that? Sweet as Night!"

“Can I feed from you? It’s not a hard question.” Diane looked on the young colt expectantly.

“He’s almost as dense as you, Zap” The griffon rolled her eyes.

“Hey! I can get signals!” Indigo argued as he akwardly struggled to pay close attention to his sandwich.

"I am not dense!" he hotly defended with a scowl before he looked over the 'monster' "Do ya mean take a bite out of me? I need that…" Sure, he never dealt with changelings much.

“She takes “bites” out of “us all the time. it doesn’t hurt,” Glenda offered.

“I like you,” Diane smiled, “I’m hungry. Do you want to make out? I bet I can fit your head in my mouth.”

Moon blinked softly even as his cheeks turned redder and redder. "I…" He had never been with a filly that way, his head? "I like my head…" He shrunk back a little, but didn't flee. "Uh…" He was lost. Lost, but fascinated.

I Am No One: You Don't Know Me

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Velvet Hammer watched the human flicker into existence in the alley behind sugar cube corner. “Not this shit again?” Was all the mohawked biped got out of his mouth before the pony was on him.

“I want whatever you brought with you!” The brown earth pony, dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt bucked the human in the gut without warning. “That’s the rules, right? Each of you monkeys bring whatever you want? I want it!”

“You never even asked what it was.” The human laughed bitterly before a puzzled look came over his face.

“I don’t care, I want…. Auugggh! It’s in my mouth! Oh my god, there’s blood in it! It’s YOUR blood! Eewww!” The young, brown earth pony screamed as it was sprayed with vomit.

“Discord made this one better than I expected. I guess he learned from past mistakes.” Again that same bitter laugh cut through Velvet’s soul. “I’m lucky I still have a head to live in! If he hadn’t run off Diane… shit! But what are we gonna do about you? You wanted what I brought with me, right?”

Velvet hammer started to answer when the human shoved it’s hand in the earth pony’s mouth and grabbed it’s tongue. Velvet bit down hard, cracking bones and drawing blood but the human just laughed as it pounded the pony in it’s skull. “I have your head, little pony! I HAVE YOUR HEAD! Do something without you head! I will take it away! I will take away your head. Calm down. Calm down. Lay down! Good. You are a good pony. You are a good pony.”

The human began rummaging through the pony’s clothes, and coming up empty, began to work the fastenings on the pony’s pants. At the fresh wave of resistance the human planted a fresh punch into the pony’s skull. “CALM DOWN! I’m just checking your pockets. Yeah, there it’s at. A mare huh? Woulda lost that bet. Seriously, you fought that hard for this? This is barely drinking money. Get up.”

“What are you going to do to me?” Velvet trembled with fear and anticipation.

“I said get up.” Rough fingers seized the mare by her mane and hauled her to her hooves. “We have drinks to get to. I’m buying.”

“You're going to buy me drinks with the money you robbed from me?” Velvet Hammer didn’t know what to think anymore. The human largely ignored his ruined left hand as he grinned at the androgenous mare.

“Yeah, you asked for what I brought with me. You never bothered to ask what that was. Or what it cost.” The human ran one finger down the mare’s spine from her skull to the base of her tail. “You’re going to call me ‘Boss’. You’re my little pony now.”

“I don’t have to follow you!” Velvet Hammer objected.

“I didn’t camp out waiting for you to appear out of thin air. You wanted to catch a human, well you got one. Now come on. We can’t hang around here long or she’ll see us, and trust me, it’s worse for me than it is for you. That’s why I’m worried,”

“All I have to do right now is scream, and the guards will be on you in an instant!” insisted the coltish mare.

“HEY! THIS CROSS DRESSING FILLY FOOLER JUST TRIED TO ROB ME AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO BERRY PUNCH’S PLACE TO HAVE DRINKS!” The human screamed into the streets of Ponyville.

A few ponies turned to look before rolling their eyes in disinterest. The human laughed. “Well now that’s taken care of, come on. I hate to drink alone. Seriously, your a really bad employee. I’m not gonna pay you if you’re gonna be a shit minion. I mean it! Now come on!”

“What’s your name?” The mare hurried to keep pace with long-legged human. “And I’m NOT a filly fooler! I just have a coltish face.”

“And shoulders… and… well no… your flank is okay.” The mare blushed deeply at the human’s cynical appraisal.

“I know I’m an ugly pony, you don’t have to rub it in,” Velvet muttered, “I’m Velvet Hammer, by the way, since you won’t tell me YOUR name.”

“I’m trying to think of a good one.” The human shrugged and laughed. “My engine needs lubrication! And your not ugly. Hell I said you have an okay flank. Kinda skinny, but it makes you look younger… in a good way. But if your not a stallion, and your not a filly fooler, then why dress up like a lumberjack? Are you actually a lumber jack, because that would make it all make sense.”

The mare stopped in surprise and near shock when the mohawked human held open the bar to the tavern for her. “I- the only stallions I can get interested at all are colt cuddlers. Most of them loose interest after they realize I’m a mare… but it’s worked once or twice.”

“Excuse me sir,” Berry Punch interupted from behind the bar, “I know it’s not my business, but you’d best keep at least one sober eye on ‘her’ if you don’t want to get rolled in an alley.”

“She already tried.” The human laughed easily, tossing Velvet’s bit-purse on the bar and showing off his ruined hand. “That’s why she’s buying the rounds.”

“Wow,” Berry actually smiled at Velvet, much to her amazement, “You’re actually taking resposibility for your mistakes and not just trying to swear to the guards that he assaulted you and tried to pull down your pants when a mark turns out to much for you? It’s not a huge step, but good for you.” She then turned to the human. “You’re a good influence on Velvet. You should really get that hand looked at, by the way.”

“Oh yeah, but I just fell in from a parallel world, nearly got mugged, and I need a good stein or ten of hard cider.” Berry happily accepted the story and prepared a freash picher and two chilled steins.

“How did you do that?” Velvet looked at the human with puzzled awe.

“Do what?” The human easily and quickly downed a mug of cider, before changing the subject. “Is the old Pearfield place still on the edge of Froggy bottom in this world?”

The coltish mare shuddered. “Nopony goes around THAT place! They say it’s haunted!”

“Not as haunted as it’s gonna be.” The human slapped the bar with frighteningly manic laughter. “Like you said, Nopony hangs around THAT place.”

Wrong Turn at Albuquerque (Train Wreck): Welcome to Ponyville

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It was a quiet day in Ponyville, birds were singing, bees were buzzing, old ponies were old-ponying. Nopony was expecting a monster attack that day, which was just as well, since the monster in question wasn’t especially in a mood to attack. There was a brief explosion of earth before the bright blue pony thing emerged, glowing with strange symbols racing and changing along it’s fur. The thing took a minute to examine itself, seemingly pleased with itself. The ponies in the market whispered nervously, but neither ran away nor attacked. They looked far more likely to try the former, but the beast in question had seen both reactions from ponies.

“Alright! Good as new and fully charged to boot.” There were muted gasps from a few ponies who had noticed the slightly… wrong movement of the creatures lower jaw. “Can any of you ponies tell me where I am?”

When nopony answered he looked around to find himself snout to snout with pinkest of all possible answers. The beast couldn’t help but smile with relief. “Pinkie Pie, I know we’ve never met, I’m mar… Married to your clone?” Already the Pink mare had disappeared in a preternatural burst of speed. “Right. Watch the smile. God’s in hell, Diane makes it look so easy. So Ponyville, right, and all the little ponies are running in panic. Thank you Pinkie Pie.”

The monster sighed and rolled his eyes as he walked down the street talking to himself. “And here comes Rainbow Dash. I bet she’s coming over here to give me a nice friendly welcome to to-OWn…”

The cyan mare's hooves connected as expected, actually driving the giant monster back a step. “Why don’t you pick on ponies who can fight back!” The pegasus attacked with flurry of strikes, forcing the beast strike back with a brush of a draconic wing sending the mare flying into a wall.

“Oh damn! Oh damn it to hell!” the strange creature rushed to the fallen pegasi, seizing her in a snake like appendage the struck the mare quickly and fastened to her neck. Arcane energy crackled down it’s length. “I’m really sorry about this Miss Dash.”

“Not as sorry as I reckon’ yer gonna be mister!” The creature turned to face an angry orange earth pony just in time to receive two stolid hooves to the forehead.

-=-=-=-=-

“Well what was I supposed ta do, he was attacking Rainbow Dash!” Applejack argued fiercely.

“Actually I was attacking him. He just brushed me with his wing, I don’t even think he was trying to hit me.” Rainbow dash admitted rather sheepishly.

“Rainbow Dash, why would just go attacking some random pony?” The Princess of Friendship was none too pleased with the escalation of events.

Rainbow Dash didn’t even seem to consider it a problem. “Because, A) I’m not even sure if that IS a pony, and B) I totally saw him attack Pinkie Pie.”

“Hi everypony!” Pinkie Pie, summoned by her name, burst through the door. “Guess who I just saw! Surprise’s husband just popped up out of the dirt, and he’s all better and not burn-victim-y anymore. So I ran straight to the train station and sent a telegram to her in Canterlot, and now she’s bringing the whole family to Ponyville to visit! And by the way, why is my clone-sister’s husband tied up and unconscious in the throne room?”

“You guys are not gonna believe this!” Somewhat goofy looking human entered followed by Spike the dragon. Blissfully unaware of anything in the room beyond his own news, the human continued his less than believable tale. “Lyra just got back from Silver’s Coronation, and she said Discord made some kind of monster mash pony and now he’s insisting that the Princesses’ recognize it as alicorn royalty. Lyra said she agreed to it, but Bon Bon figures she was just telling the big D whatever would make him stop holding up the ceremony. What’s that thing tied up by the table?”

Before anypony could answer Spike belched forth a note from his dragon-fire, seizing it quickly Starlight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, began to read it out loud.

Dearest Twilight,
I am wed and my Prince is Crowned. The royalty Canterlot is united as one family in what we hope will serve as a symbol of unity. Of course you were already expecting this news, but I wanted to open this letter with happy tidings. If you haven’t already heard, the coronation was interrupted by Fluttershy’s friend, Discord. To say that his interruption was unwelcome would be the greatest of understatements.
During the temporal disturbances caused by your final duel with your student Starlight, Discord transformed a poor human from one of the alternate realities into a mismatched combination of a pony, a dragon, and a hydra. The poor thing's appearance alone was enough to alienate it from most other ponies, but then the poor thing was viciously assaulted and forced into a fire by one of my own guards! The burned mass that remained was barely recognizable as a pony.
Now the victim’s creator has demanded that we recognize his “alicorn” as royalty. My sister has agreed, though I am sure more out of a show of pity for discord’s poor victim than anything else. While I truly believe the creature has the best of intentions, he IS still an agent of chaos and not to be completely trusted. That said, pay the poor wretch all the courtesy you would extend to, say, a foreign dignitary. If it makes the poor soul happy and keeps Discord content and out of the way, assign every title of royalty to the former human then I see no harm in it.
Discord refuses to turn the creature back into a human, and in fact insists that it’s no more possible than turning you back into a unicorn. Apparently he is prepared to go all the way with this little “alicorn” game of his. If you see this creature handle him with caution, but with kindness. He is immensely powerful.
Sincerely,
Your Friend and Peer, Luna

“That’s him, alright!” Pinkie Pie pointed happily. “I’m glad he got over all those nasty burns. Surprise was super sad!”

“Why am I tied up?” The blue, fuzzy monster spoke, causing everypony to jump. “Why do I keep on waking up tied up? You know that’s not normal right? Or is it normal here, because honestly I’m confused?”

“Oh… heh, heh…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head with one fetlock. “Well, you see your highness, there was a little misunderstanding…”

“Your friends beat me unconscious and tied me up.” The creature stated the case flattly.

“We… uh… kinda thought you were a monster…” Applejack admitted uncertainty. “We’re awfully sorry Mister… I mean Prince Train Wreck.”

"Prince Wreck” Rainbow offered less than helpfully.

“Okay, I thought my head was just still ringing earlier.” Train Wreck cocked his head to the side. “Why are you calling me that? And also could you please stop calling me that?”

“Okay I see the dragon and the pony, but I’m not seeing the hydra part.” Jake admitted.

“That would be these!” Pinkie stuck foreleg into the giant's mouth and hauled out his snake-like tendrils which glared at the mare in annoyance even as they patiently tolerated the abuse.

“Ah, yeah, now I see it.” The human nodded.

Wrong Turn at Albuquerque (Train Wreck): The Kingdom of Friendship

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“No.” Train Wreck continued rubbing his forehead with one hoof, hoping to make the problem go away. “Just no.”

“I still don’t get why in tarnation you had to go and grab Rainbow with yer tongue,” Applejack insisted, “Ya gotta agree, that’s pretty suspicious, and downright creepy.”

“I was healing her,” the giant explained, “It’s one of Middler’s tricks. I accidently knock Rainbow Dash into a wall trying to shield my face from getting punched.”

“Wait,” Dash interrupted, “You heal ponies with your tongue? Eww.”

“Their not tongues,” Train Wreck carefully explained. They’re my tazzl snakes. Think of them like extra heads that live in my mouth. I actually don’t have a ‘tongue’ per’se, more of a proboscis that I use for drinking. All my tasting and speaking bits are further down my throat.”

“Not backing off on the eww factor, dude.” Rainbow scrunched her face up in disgust. “It’s a good thing Rarity’s not here, she’d freak out at shear ickiness.”

“And why is that darling?” Dash jumped at the sound of her friend’s voice entering the room. “Would you treat a lunar pegasus any differently just because you find bats to be disgusting? I fail to see how this is any different my dear. And why is our new prince tied up on the floor?”

“I keep asking that question myself.” Train Wreck rolled his eyes in frustration. “Also, could everybody please stop call me ‘prince’ and ‘your highness’.”

“Would you prefer ‘Your Majesty’?” Twilight asked less than helpfully.

“I would prefer Train Wreck, but honestly if you just want to go back to ‘Look out it’s a big scary monster!’, well I think that at this point it would be an improvement.” The monster groused.

“Wait, darling,” Rarity blinked in confusion, “are you saying you actually don’t want to be a prince.”

“What I’m saying is that I’m not.” As he spoke, his industrious snakes undid his binding and carefully coiled the rope and set it aside, allowing the beast to stand to his full height. “Discord is trolling the royal shipping party, and throwing unwanted attention at my family. The Princesses are playing along to placate the big bad chaos god and make him feel important, and out of some misplaced sense of pity for me. Nopony in Canterlot considers me even a pony, really. Certainly not an alicorn. And definitely not royalty. And I’m okay with that. I’m a monster, my daughter is also a monster, and Z-978 has an egg that I’m pretty sure is going to hatch into a little monster.”

“Ooh, you gotta make me the breezy-godmother! You gotta! My first niece! Well not counting Diane, although Diane definitely counts, but my first niece that I get to meet when she’s still a baby! Or grub? Or maybe a face-hugging-dragon-bug!” Pinkie suddenly stopped to inhale. “I want my niece to be a face-hugging-dragon-bug!”

“What do ya mean, niece?” Applejack raised an eyebrow.

“Well, Train Wreck is married to Surprise, and since she’s my clone sister and Z-978 is in her herd, that means Z’s my sister-in-law, and Diane and Z’s future facehugger are my nieces,” Pinkie explained with a smile.

“So you met my family?” Train wreck arched an eyebrow at the pink mare.

“Yeah, I met Diane and Z at your funeral. It was really super sad.” The pink mare deflated a moment but then bounced right out of it. “But then you survived. Which made the funeral kinda unnecessary. And now you're all healed up and not looking like burned lassauga, AND I get to meet this new mare, Carrot Plate that Surprise has been telling me about. Waifu, sister, or daughter? Come on! Ya gotta tell me! Surprise has been really playing close to the vest on that one!”

“Carrot… is still figuring out who she wants to be in our family.” The fuzzy blue monster rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “We’re not going to push her. She has a history… it’s complicated.”

“So let me get this straight, Pinkie,” Applejack spoke carefully, knowing full well she was walking into minefield, “You’re… we’ll go with clone… Your clone from another dimension married a human from an alternate Equestria who Discord turned into… that. They adopted two changelings and formed a herd. And now there’s some fourth mare involved and you’re trying to figure out how she’s related to you?”

“Yepperoni,” Pinkie nodded

“You do realize I’m right here, right? Giant monster, right here. Hard to miss. Also not deaf.” Train Wreck complained.

“Look, I don’t mean no offense, I’m just tryin’ to wrap my head around it is all.” Applejack tried to walk back her statements, looking nervous, and a little embarrassed. “A lotta things are changing, and I ain’t so sure I’m on board with it.”

“As far as I know nopony’s invited you onboard, AJ.” Pinkie Pie said curiously, “Unless you’ve gotten invited into a herd on the sly?”

“No wait just a gall darned minute!” AJ blushed furiously, before glaring around the room. “Laugh it up all you want, but I say it ain’t natural!”

“What? Adoption?” Train Wreck glared back. “Because that’s what we’re talking about, right? How horrible my adopted family is?”

“Now don’t you go twistin’ my words! They got another word for them herds in Saddle Arabia, a right more honest word if’n ya ask me!” Applejacks growled with self-righteous fury, glaring murder at the giant stallion. “Ya know what that word is, your majesty? It’s called a harem!”

“Now wait just a minute! You ain’t gonna call my family a harem!” Train Wreck lowered his head like a charging bull.

“Okaaay,” Twilight pushed herself between the two power-houses. “Can we NOT start a brawl in the Castle of FRIENDSHIP? Please?”

“How can you be so okay with this, Twi?” The orange mare demanded as she stalked out of the room. “Your mentor is having a blasted orgy in Canterlot with some human pretending he’s a real pony! Another is parading around your own castle pretending he’s some kind of prince! That’s our actual government you humans are messing with! Did you ever think of that?”

“Actually, Train Wreck’s continuously asked you to please stop calling him a prince, and he also said that was not, in fact, a any kind of prince.” Pinkie supplied helpfully.

“He’s a blasted monster, is what he is, but at least he’s honest about it. Not like that monkey up in canterlot!” AJ angrily stomped out of the room.

“I- didn’t know Applejack felt that way about humans.” Jake was clearly more hurt by the insult than it’s intended target.

“Woah, Jake!” Rainbow Dash swooped in to support her friend. “You know she didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I? I always thought she’d give me funny looks whenever the Crusaders came around wanting to hang out, but I thought it was my imagination.” The dejected human shuffled out of the room.

“I’m really sorry about this your majesty.” Train Wreck hung his head in shame. “This is why I try to stay out of sight. Discord’s made it pretty impossible for me to do that anymore, though…”

Wrong Turn at Albuquerque (Jake): That War, It Never Stops

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klt904ga4IA

“You were human once too?” Jake sat down in the booth that was the center of the only void of ponies in Berry Punch's Tavern that evening.

“And you were a soldier,” Train wreck nodded, “Me and you, we never took conversion. Celestia was offering it for free, too. Be a unicorn and shoot lasers from your face at Sombra’s evil minions. Or stay a weak human and be trusted with a big metal stick. You and me, we held out. We were aliens fighting for a strange land.”

“I was a war hero?” Jake asked with trepidation.

“There were no heros.” The pony’s mandibles opened and a fleshy, straw-like appendage descended into the pitcher of cider draining it with ease. “There was just two stupid monkeys clubbing Crystal ponies because General Sun Butt said so.”

“I.. killed ponies?” Jake asked cautiously, fearing the answer.

“When you had to,” Train Wreck sighed, a sudden look of guilt crossing his face, “It’s not like you were good at it. I miss Pinks man, Pinkamena, I mean, MY Pinks. I was a monster before I ever even met Discord. He never once told me my value to Equestria was measured in pony blood. That was Celestia. So, no, you never got a single medal. I think that’s why she liked you. You were like us, but you stayed true. You never bowed to the lesser evil.”

“That’s why who liked me?” Jake emptied his stein quickly.

“You know you don’t have to ask, you and Dash, there was loyalty there. You would do anything she asked, and she would never ask you to do anything you wouldn’t do for her. Me and Pinks, we would just do what we had to do and laugh about it later. It’s better to laugh than to cry.” The Beast sighed.

“Wait are you saying I was with Rainbow Dash? Like WITH with?” Jake nearly spit his cider across the table. “Wait and you were Pinkie Pie?”

“I was never with Pinkie Pie,” Train Wreck corrected, “She’s a nice mare, a little silly, and if things had gone differently… if I had come out in this world to start with… I have Surprise now, she understands, she’s seen things, things we just can’t talk about with her sister.”

“Man that’s deep, but do you really think I have a chance with Dash?” Jake’s brain had abandoned all but one track.

“I don’t think she will even admit that she likes you.” The beast shrugged casually. “I think if you want to walk around holding hands, or hooves, or whatever, and kissing in public then you’ve got the wrong mare. I don’t know your Dash. But you haven’t changed as much. You follow her around like a lost puppy, and she LETS you follow her around like a lost puppy. And when it came down to you and one of her best mare friends today, she didn’t follow AJ.”

“I’m sorry about Applejack lighting into you like that, man.” Jake looked embarrassed to have even witnessed the earlier spectacle. “I had no idea she felt that way about humans.”

“I wouldn’t take it personally,” Train Wreck replied as he downed another pitcher of cider. “I don’t think that was about you… or me even. It’s like she said, that’s her real government. And it’s being infiltrated by aliens. Prince Silver may like to play like he’s a for-real pony, but deep down his majesty is as human as we are, no matter what skin he wears. Prince Silver Watch has set the standard for how ponies are going to see humans from now on. The rest of us just have to live with it. We’re all a bunch of alien monkeys who are after their mares. There’s no living in the background anymore. We’re the first contact. We’re the little green men, heh, they’d probably take it better if we WERE green.”

“But, I don’t get it? I’ve always been this way,” Jake argued.

“It doesn’t matter. You could turn into one of them at any time. I could have. We’re not the first. They’ve always suspected.” Train Wreck glanced around the bar with disinterest. “She had to know, both of them. They want us to be ponies. We’ve been here the whole time. The whole damned time!” Train wreck laughed out loud. “But me and you, we admit it. We ARE aliens.”

-=-=-=-=-

“What exactly is it you want me to fix, Lulu dear?” the cat-goat-snaked floated in a horizontal recline mid-air.

“Look at him!” Luna pleaded.

“Yes, let’s look at him, he is an alien, it’s not like you haven’t seen an alien thing before. I seem to remember another Prince who came out of your little dream machine.” Discord grinned widely as he replied. “Of course I had to cheat (a LOT) to get him out, but praise your choice of names, we made one!”

“I… I thought it would help… I really did. He was going to die.” Luna cried softly as she watched the creature’s dreams.

“I wanted to help him too.” Discord let out a heavy sigh. “We made one monster together, already. They will never love us for their creation. It was necessary.”

“I- I made that…” Luna admitted.

“Yes, we both did and ONE of us is proud of it!” Discord laughed and laughed, “Look at him. Our bastard son! You’re grandson is dating our granddaughter. You don’t see how priceless this is?”

“I see the end of a story.” Luna bowed her head softly.

“I see something else.” Discord’s eyes sparkled with thoughts of the future… or the past.

Beyond the Silver Sky: Mare Imbrium

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1000+ years after the coronation of Prince Silver Sky
-=-=-=-=-
I used to believe that we were innocent.

That was a long time ago.

It all started with the lunar expedition. It was the greatest accomplishment of the modern age. Mortal ponies would set hoof on the moon for the first time in the history of all of Equus. We had had orbital bases for over two hundred years, but the moon was… sacred ground. Captain Moon Glow was a descendant of The Sky King, her lineage passed down from the Great Night Watch herself. Each of us were hoof chosen by the Night Queen to represent each of Equestria’s pony tribes.

The ship’s pilot was Flitter Shade, a pale yellow umbrum who didn’t talk much, but knew her business in the cockpit. She was a nice mare, once you got to know her. Though she seemed shy often as not, she was fiercely brave in her own domain and sometimes talked to our ship like it was a living thing she could coax into proper behavior with kind words and a firm hoof. Given her success as a pilot, maybe she was right.

Security officer was a tough, deep blue, no-nonsense Lunar Pegasus named Shadow Snap. He was friendly enough off duty, and he took his duty seriously. It was his job to get us all back safe and that was what he planned to do. Nopony was ever really sure what we needed security for on a barren sphere that nopony had seen in 1000 years, but the Night Queen had been quite insistent on the matter.

Our magic analyst was a solar unicorn, Sunrise Aurora. One of only two solar ponies on the mission. She was short in both stature and temper. Sun ponies like us were tolerated at best. Unicorns especially. It spoke to her level of professional skill that she was chosen at all. She was proud almost to the point of arrogance, I heard that she was a descendant of Starlight Glimmer, the element of magic, though not directly. She knew full well that ponies like us had twice as much to prove. Ironically she looked at me as a “token” pony. After all they already had one sun-pony, what did they need a pony like me for anyway?

As a biped sun-pony, I felt I had as much or more to prove… and to lose. My lineage wasn’t nearly as illustrious as some of my crew-mate’s. That made me proud in a way. I was the science officer. There’s little a biped can do with hands that a unicorn can’t do with their horns, but we’re clever with machines in ways that other ponies just aren’t. My name is James. It’s an odd name for a pony, but bipeds are known for weird names.

My assistant was Murmur. Murmur Judith Solitaire. You’d think she was just a lunar earth pony, until you looked in her eyes. They were a pale lavender that struck the eye like a salmon jumping against the waterfall. Her sideways pupils focused in a way that let you know she saw everything. She was an archaeologist by trade. Her cutie mark was a shovel and a pony skull. Her fur was shaggier than you might expect, and the color of butter cream. But not unpleasantly so. She always swore there were the bumps of vestigial horns on her forehead, but to be honest I never noticed them if they were there.

It was on our first pass over Mare Imbrium, the sea of tears that we first spotted the anomaly. Hundreds, if not thousands of crystal formations spiralling across the silt sea. Were these the work of the Night Queen? Legends said that she had once made her home on the moon for a millenium, surviving purely from magic as only an alicorn could in the barren vacuum. As we passed closer, our more focused view-screens showed a fact even more shocking, these were not mere crystals, they were statues of ponies, of a tribe never seen beneath the moon and the sun.

We landed that day and began preparing the lunar rover for the long trip across the silt sea. We then slept, but the lunar night was not kind to our dreams. Each lunar reported the same nightmare, lost and alone in darkness for an unknowable time, crushed under a feeling of unexplainable guilt and anger. My sleep was fitful but whatever nightmares disturbed it faded with the first light of consciousness. Sunrise awoke with a nearly manic desire to reach the site. It was all Captain Moon Glow could do to contain her enthusiasm enough to prevent her from taking the lunar rover on her own.

In the end, we settled on a four-pony away team. Shadow would accompany Sunrise, Judith, and myself, while the captain and Flitter would secure the ship. We were to explore the site, take pictures, and make non-invasive analysis, treating it as an archeological site until and unless evidence proved otherwise.

As we approached the first of the statues our initial observations from the ship appeared to be confirmed. These were indeed statues of ponies, but not of any tribe that had appeared in any record we were aware of. They were distinctly insectile in appearance. Though the heads were distinctly equine, they possesed fangs that would shame a lunar, and most had spiny fins in place of a mane. As we walked among them the most disturbing features were in their facial expressions. These statues seemed to have been made from models caught off-guard during day to day activities. Each face locked in fear and horror. A sense of utter shock was nearly universal. Why would anypony commision such statues? As works of art they were disturbing at best.

Most were nearly identical, at least in form. All were sculpted from what appeared to be a deep black smoky quartz and depicted both mares and stallions reacting to some unknown catastrophe. Only six stood out from the rest. The first were four statues near the center of the formation. These were the first to show variation in the basic tribal type.

The largest was a tall, regal mare, sculpted from a deep scarlet rosey quartz. Her mane seemed to flow in a nonexistent breeze, her dragonfly-like wings spread flared, and she stood with a look and poise of pure defiance. On her head rested a regal crown. I couldn’t help but picture her as a noble ruler, perhaps a queen, standing between her people and what-ever disaster had befell them. Despite her alien, insectile appearance, there was no denying her beauty.

The other three were both disturbing and sad. In the middle was a filly foal, carved from a pale pink quartz, screaming in fear, her lower jaw split in an odd way that wasn’t visible in any of the others, and three small tendrils flailed defensively from her mouth. Flanking her protectively were two mares. One was carved from the same pink crystal, but was more similar, at least in build and stature to the crimson queen. She was far spinier than any other subject however, and her mouth split into an impossibly wide snarl, displaying rows of shark-like teeth. The fourth statue was simply heartbreaking. It depicted another alien, set a black crystal, crouching in fear and defiance before the foal (doubtlessly her own). Her face as a mask of worry and confusion. Beyond that, these statues stood out in that they seemed remarkably, impossibly well cared for. It had all the appearances of a well-tended grave.

“We shouldn’t be here,” I remember Judith whispering over the com-link before we quickly moved on.

At the far end of what I could only call the memorial were two statues that stood out very differently. On was another queen, this one sculpted from blackened jade. Where the first queen had stood regally as if defending her ponies, this one seemed to me to stand in arrogant defiance, her face twisted into a sneer. The statue lay on it’s side, discarded carelessly in stark contrast to carefully placed statues of the field, or the meticulously maintained memorial at it’s center.

The final statue was almost ignored as a simple pile of broken crystal, until Sunrise lifted one of the larger shards and turned it over to reveal the maniacally laughing mask of a mad stallion. On seeing that, we were able to pick out a few other tell-tale pieces, a hoof here, a fetlock there. It seemed as though this statue had been smashed, not once but repeatedly, as if to vent some anger, some insatiable hatred that would never lie in peace. Sunset put the crystallized face into her vac-suits pack, and as she did a foreboding tremor shook the Moon’s surface in ominous warning. That marked the end of our first expedition to the field of statues.

Beyond the Silver Sky: DON'T

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The second night the nightmares were quite vivid. All of us had them with one exception, Sunrise Aurora. I dreamed I was a changeling, and that’s what those alien ponies were called. Another changeling, a changeling with no name had done something unspeakable. I don’t remember what now, but in the dream itself the shock of it was nearly unimaginable.

I was a drone in Old Canterlot, it was a vibrant city. I was a construction worker. The ponies paid me and fed me well. I was a psychic vampire, but most ponies didn’t seem to mind. I was happy. I never did anything to hurt anypony. One day there was a flash of light, and we stood beneath a glowing silver sky. At first everypony cheered, thinking it was some trick or show. And then the silver sky melted and rained down on us. There was screaming and panic and then the ponies realized that the melting sky simply passed harmlessly through almost everything. Everything except us. My body was wracked with pain and then I felt nothing at all. And then the ponies were all staring at me.

I could see other changelings, and they had been turned into crystal statues. And I realized that so had I. At first I was terrified. I wanted to call out to those changelings, I wanted them to call out to me! Days passed like that. The ponies I worked for came by every day and talked to me. They didn’t even know if I could hear them. I wanted to tell them that yes I could hear them, and I could taste their love and it gave me hope. But I was as mute as the stone that I was.

I awoke the next morning unrested, my orange fur soaked in sweat. I found that nearly all of my crewmates had fared no better. Only Sunrise seemed unaffected, in fact her mood seemed uncharacteristically cheerful. Judith found the unicorns sudden burst of giggles and snickers to be especially unsettling, and I had to admit it seemed strange coming from the normally brooding and taciturn mare.

Our second day at the grave site (after the previous night’s dreams I could think of it as nothing else) was a trial unto itself Judith and myself busied ourselves analysing the intact statues and making careful notes on their placing and facing. This was a previously unknown tribe of ponies, and these memorials, these “living tombstones” as Judith called them, were our only clues about them. Who were they? What was their place in Equestria?

Sunrise, for her part, ignored our efforts, much to my own annoyance, and instead worked obsessively to recover every single piece of the shattered statue. When pressed, she would insist that she could “fix him”. Sometimes I thought I caught her talking quietly to the fragment that held the ponies face, but I wrote it off as nerves.

The tremors didn’t start until we were set to leave. They were far more violent this time, and threatened to upset the safe operation of the rover. What was worse, they seemed to follow us back all the way to the landing site. As we approached we received a message from our captain. And quite an unsettling one, at that. We were indeed being followed by a seismic disturbance, as if some great beast were moving beneath the lunar surface at frightening speed.
We hastily loaded as much as we dared back into our lander and prepared to evacuate as the quake reached it’s crescendo. And then it just stopped. We all just sat there in a daze for what seemed like the longest time. Finally it was Shadow Snap who first stepped out to re-secure our base camp. After he gave his all clear signal, we each warily crept back outside to the surface of a moon that suddenly didn’t feel so safe or uninhabited.

The fissures crisscrossing out camp were at first alarming, until we realized that each was only a hoof span wide and a fetlock deep at most. We were nearly ready to write it all off as some unknown natural phenomenon, when Flitter Shade broke into hysterical gibberish. She had climbed to the top of the ship to inspect for damage, and was now pointing furiously at the fissures.

At first we couldn’t figure out what it was that had upset her, from our level they seemed quite random and harmless, but as Shadow Snap climbed the rigging to reassure the panicked Umbrum his voice broke through the comlink.

“Everypony back up,” the stern stallion intoned gravely, “Move towards the lander and look at the fissures from a distance.”

As we backed up slowly the patterns came in stark relief. Judith gasped in shock and quickly shuffled closely by my side. And that was when I saw it. It was unmistakable, hidden at first only by its sheer scale.

“DON’T”

Each letter easily 20 meters high, the message was scrawled as an unmistakable warning across the lunar landscape. We were being watched. Something entirely unknown and powerful beyond belief lay in wait beneath our hooves. It was not a beast. It was intelligent. It was watching us. And we had been warned.

Beyond the Silver Sky: Waking the Dead

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Sunrise Aurora got… strange after that second day at the site. She kept insisting she could “put him back together”, that she could “fix him”. To be honest she was making fair progress with her obsessive work. We all wrote it off as being confined to the lander. We were no longer making expeditions to the grave site for obvious reasons, and orbital communications had been out since the incident. We all assumed at the time because of the seismic activity.

Without our array in order docking with the main ship was nearly impossible. Our best bet would be to shoot the lander itself into orbit with Equus and send out a distress signal. We had just made the most important discovery in pony history. We weren’t ready to run just yet. But we were scared. We were all scared as hell. All but Sunrise and she just poured herself into her work. We envied her… at first.

And her work WAS important. If she could restore these creatures we could bring back not just a new tribe of pony, but perhaps a link to an age forgotten to history. Obviously we couldn’t bring back a whole statue to work with. It was our disturbance of the site that brought the Guardian. That much was obvious. If only we could contact it. If only we could let it know what we intended. Shadow Snap had taken the option of making contact off the table almost immediately. He was deeply convinced that what Judith and myself interpreted as a warning was instead a threat, and Captain Moon Glow had ordered that everypony was to remain within the lander except to make the repairs needed to dock with the main ship.

I was able to get our short range communications working well enough. We had coms, and we could send out short range drones, but the more I worked the more I realized that our array didn’t seem at all damaged. Shadow Snap had gone so far as to suggest that I was deliberately dragging my hooves, while Sunrise simply sneered and wrote my failure off to “biped incompetence”. But the simple fact was, the magic components of our com-tech just wasn’t receiving the power it needed. That aether was going somewhere, but the problem was not technological.

Unfortunately, Sunrise continuously insisted that her magical scans didn’t indicate there was any loss of power at all. Captain Moon Beam was a unicorn herself, though not nearly skilled enough in magical analysis to trace the flow of aether through our ship's tech, she trusted her fellow unicorn in matters of magic over a mere biped. After all, everypony knows our tribe had given up our magic in ancient times in exchange for hands and fingers. We were the bastard descendants of earth ponies. Unless you believed in ancient human conspiracies. I counted myself lucky that our crew was far too educated to fall in with that particular nonsense.

I don’t know why none of us realized what was happening until it was too late. It started with a sudden power outage, as the ship's aether suddenly surged away from essential systems. I was scrambling to correct the problem. Sunrise had locked herself in her lab, and Shadow Snap was threatening to cut open the door. It had become obvious then that the obsessed unicorn had been siphoning power from the ship to fuel her own magical experiments. There was a brief panic before power was restored. That was when everything went to hell.

Shadow Snap had gone outside to evaluate the situation, and I was below decks testing newly restored systems, when there was a loud crackle of magical discharge followed by a short gurgling scream from Captain Moon Glow. The next events happened so fast there wasn’t even time to sort them in my mind as separate event. I had run into the forward observation deck. Judith ran past me towards the airlock with only time for one panicked word, “Run.” That when I saw the thing Sunrise had awakened.

It was a living broken statue of a pony, floating in a clearly visible aura of green magic that danced around it like flames. One eye was obliterated by irreparable fractures and the thing only existed to the broken remains of it’s withers, with contrails of magic trailing behind it like viscera from a bisected corpse. Shadow Snap pushed past me roughly only to be encased in magical fire and left a smouldering heap of charred remains. So I did the only thing I could do, I ran.

Judith had already started the lunar rover, I only thank the Sky King that she had waited for me. Though I must confess even now to a feeling of guilt that I had for one moment of fear as the airlock doors opened had doubted that she would. I couldn’t blame her if she hadn’t. What could either of us have done against that crystalline horror. And she had no way to know that I was even alive. It was her faith that saved my life that day.

So we fled to the only place there was for us to flee. As we drove recklessly across the lunar plain I looked back to see the ship rising into the sky and I realized we had only escaped from one death to another, as we had only the provisions loaded in our singular rover and we were trapped on the surface of the moon. It brought me some degree of peace that Flitter Shade must have survived, as the traitor Sunrise could never pilot the ship on her own. Of course this meant that the murderous thing she had conjured forth was no mere monster. It had intelligence enough to know it needed the pilot. It had some unknown and unknowable plan, and we were helpless to stop it.

We set up our emergency shelter on the edge of the graveyard and quietly prepared ourselves to become its newest memorials.

Beyond the Silver Sky: Space Madness

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Flitter Shade focused nervously on her task at hand as she struggled to keep her sanity. Captain Moon Glow was dead. So was Shadow snap. They had both been murdered, almost carelessly by the nameless abomination that floated just behind her.

“There’s no need for you to stay in the pilot’s seat the whole trip.” The things voice was smooth and practiced, not at all the voice of a cold blooded murderer. Except that it was. “Your crew mate has already explained to me that the lander can basically fly itself right now. We only need you to dock with the main ship, and that’s not for another six hours. Come on, we’re going to have fun!”

The tiny umbrum was scooped out of her familiar seat in the thing’s magic with a soft “eep” and dragged casually towards the landers sleeping quarters. Flitter Shade closed her eyes as the aura tightened with her struggles.

“Oh don’t be like that,” the floating crystal torso laughed, “I’ve had a pretty rough time of it these past thousand years or so. I just need to relieve some stress. Sunny Dear?”

“Sunrise, help!” Flitter pleaded as the familiar lavender unicorn bounced cheerfully into the hall.

“Master?” The little umbrum despaired as the manic unicorn began nuzzling affectionately against their horrific captor, her eyes glazed over with her face locked in a vacant smile.

“Yes, I am your master,” the crystal abomination replied cheerfully, “now be a good little toy and help me unfasten this damnable space suit.”

“Please… no… Sunrise snap out of it!” Flitter’s struggles became furious as her uniform was pulled loose in her former friends magic. With a sudden burst of magic, Sunrise face went slack with terror and Flitter Shade found herself slammed roughly against a wall.

“None of that now,” the horror said sternly, “I need you alive to operate the ship, I only want to keep you pretty, and if you're going to act like this the whole time there’s really no reason not to just pluck your cute little wings right now. So calm down. You’re alive. You’re not stranded on an airless rock. And honestly I’m not even equipped for what you're worried about right now. I just want something pretty to look at while you explain what I’ve missed over the last thousand years or so. I’m afraid I’ve fried your little friend’s brain until she’s just a teensy tad over-done. She might leave out crucial details because she thinks I won’t be happy to hear about it. So you get to keep your mind. So again, yay for you. Now calm down and stop struggling.” Flitter wept softly as the crystalline mass casually flipped her over in it’s firm magic grasp and roughly pulled up her tail as it ran it’s singular cold, hard hoof along her spine. “Gotta love an umbral. Tiniest flank you can tap without setting off an amber alert.”

The horrible torso-thing laughed at it’s own joke, and Flitter’s helpless screams were lost to the vacuum of space as the door to the sleeping quarters slid shut with a quiet hiss.

-=-=-=-=-

“Can you believe it Sunshine?” Flitter wasn’t sure if the crystal horror was mocking the unicorn or just hadn’t bothered to learn her name. “I mean seriously, it’s unbelievable. I’m gone gone for a millennia or so and Prince Ships-a-Lot has gone full on Pharaoh. I mean ‘Sky King’? Seriously? And none of your have ever even HEARD of Princess Sun-Butt! Maybe I should be teaching you ponies history, since I clearly have a better grasp of it than you do. Not that you didn’t do your best Flutter Flank.”

“Please, I need to concentrate, docking with a ship in orbit isn’t easy.” Flitter Shade shuddered as the living torso brushed her mane with it’s one hoof.

“Pfft,” the horror replied absently, “Fine then, I’ll just go back to playing with my food. We’re going to need to hit up the med bay pretty soon. I can’t have my best meal running out of juice. Don’t you worry though, Sunshine. I’ll cook up a batch of meds that will have you loving practically everything. Just think, no more pain, no more worry, nothing but love. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“It sounds wonderful master!” The brain washed unicorn nuzzled into the broken thing that kept her in thrall.

“Tell me again about this Starsdale Station, Flitter Booty,” the nameless horror openly mocked the tiny umbrum.

“It’s the most secure station in Equus orbit,” Flitter regained some confidence as she spoke, “You only took our ship because you caught poor Shadow off guard! They’ll have twenty guards like him meeting us at the airlock!”

“I’m sure they will, after all, there’s going to be an insane little umbrum going on and on about talking statues. And two of the crew are dead, and she just up and left two more stranded on the moon to die of exposure!” The thing burst into rolls of laughter before continuing. “And poor Sunshine is clearly PTSD, I wonder what that terrible umbrum did to her? Luckily she kept the horrid little thing from destroying the most valuable find in the history of Equestria.”

“Why’d you do it, Flitter?” The sincerity in Sunrise’s voice was heart-breaking. “They were our team-mates. They were your friends! I never got attached like that, but I really thought you cared about them! Did you want credit for the discovery? Why?”

The lavender mare cried freely as her horrible master moved to comfort her, “There, there, Sunshine, it’s not her fault. She’s sick, clearly not in her right mind. It’s the space madness, I’m sure of it!”

“All I have to do is hit the full thrusters just once, and that would be the end of it!” Flitter nearly screamed in frustration, but her threats meant little to her captor.

“But you won’t, dear,” the torso laughed calmly, “Maybe if it was just me and you, but you wouldn’t let poor Sunshine die like that. She’s the last one left. All the rest of them or dead, or at least soon will be. Now stop pitching tantrums and finish docking the ship.”

“Please don’t hurt me Flitter,” Sunrise Aurora sobbed, “I’m so sorry you have space madness! I want to live.”

The mastermind of their torment hummed tunelessly as the mechanical latches secured the lander and pulled it into the main ship. Flitter held one thought as a shield for her rapidly fleeing sanity, “Security at Starsdale will stop him. They HAVE to.”

Beyond the Silver Sky: The Moon is a Harsh Waifu

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James very carefully carried the smallest of the statues, the one with the tendrils, towards the rover, while Judith watched nervously, pawing the moon with her hooves.

“Are you sure this is a good idea James?” Her voice was tinged with fear audible even over the static of the com link.

“No, I’m not.” The orange biped pony laughed nervously as he walked, “But whatever that thing underground is, it’s possibly the only living thing on this rock besides us, and we need help. Taking the broken statue got it’s attention the first time, I'm hoping...”

There wasn’t even a tremor to warn them. One second they were walking across the lunar plane, the next they were encoiled by serpents that silently erupted from the silt.

“James!” Judith screamed as a third serpent erupted and menaced the biped pony, glaring into his face plate. “Leave him alone!”

“You should not have come here!” The voice came from nowhere and everywhere at once. “You should not have taken the Nopony, but if you wish your doom that badly I was ready to permit it! But now you seek to steal all I have left of my family?!?!”

The third serpent gently pulled the statue from james grasp, cradling it as it’s voice softened to a near whisper, “It’s alright, Zillia, dearest, daddy won’t let the nasty ponies take you away from Mommy and Auntie Diane.”

The thing crawled from the lunar silt and strode amongst the statues with careful lumbering precision. The thing was easily three times or more the height of even the largest earth pony. It’s cyan fur glowed brightly with ever-changing patterns and symbols, while it’s deep blue mane glowed with an ultraviolet illumination that cast an unnatural aura on everything around it. While it had the general shape of a pony, huge scaly wings unfolded from its back and it’s bottom jaw split into a gaping mandible and a massive maw filled with jagged teeth that could easily bite a pony in half. It was this maw that the three serpents emerged and held the ponies dangling in the air as the beast carefully placed the little foal back in her place.

“I should rip you apart!” The Beast pulled James into eye contact. “You have disturbed my daughter’s rest, why shouldn’t I kill you both?”

“Please! We didn’t know!” Judith pleaded, tears forming behind her faceplate.

“My daughters, my poor, simple Z, they didn’t know! None of them did!” The creature tossed both ponies to the ground roughly and withdrew his serpents. “None of them even knew of the crime they were being punished for! They were innocents, and your damned sun-princess did that to them!” It’s rage dimmed into an angry sulk. “I should rip you apart and stomp you into the silt, but my sweet Surprise wouldn’t want that. For her memory I will let you live, now leave this place.”

“Wait!” Judith called out, “The pieces of the statue we took. Who was that?”

“He… doesn’t have a name,” The creature sighed heavily. “My name is Train Wreck Pastel. The changelings here are my family and my closest friend.”

“I am Murmur Judith Solitaire,” Judith implored, “Please we didn’t mean any disrespect. But we need your help, that statue… one of our crew-mates attempted to restore it, and it has taken over our lander and left us stranded here to die.”

“You managed to restore the Nopony?” Train Wreck fought an internal war between anger, worry, and hope. “Do you have any idea what you have unleashed? I had hoped I had left him beyond recovery. But still, if you could restore him, perhaps there is hope for the others.”

“I wouldn’t say restored exactly,” James rubbed the back of his head with one hand, “More like reanimated. But yeah, if it worked on the broken pieces of that… thing, then I’m pretty sure it would work on the others, especially since they’re intact.”

“When I accepted this exile, I was given a means by which I could return, if I so chose,” the giant monster sighed, “Until now I saw no point if I could not restore my family. I will bring you with me, but if you have given me false hope to save your own lives, I promise you the moon would have offered you a kinder death.”

The giant pulled the four central statues closely together and began to inscribe a large circle of clearly arcane design.

-=-=-=-=-

Tragic End To First Lunar Expedition
The E.S.S. Demeter was recovered late last night by the Starsdale Orbital guard after the ship failed to respond to docking instructions. The ship had launched only a week earlier from the same station and carried the first expedition by mortal ponies to the moon.
Upon boarding the vessel the guard were greeting by a gruesome welcome, finding the body of the ship’s pilot, Flitter Shade, drifting in the cockpit, which had been locked from the inside and had to be cut open. Investigator report that the pilot had apparently committed suicide shortly after plotting the course to Starsdale and engaging autopilot. The charred remains of Captain Moon Beam and Security Officer Shadow Snap were found inside the lander. Science Officers James Apple, and Murmur Solitaire are missing and presumed dead.
The only survivor of the ill fated mission, Magic Analyst Sunrise Aurora was found guarding a broken relic of presumed lunar origin in the cargo hold. Miss Aurora has unfortunately succumbed to dementia from the entire ordeal and had to be restrained by her rescuers. She is currently being given the very best psychological treatment Equestria has to offer. Doctors say they are “hopeful, but not optimistic” about her odds of recovery.
With all security feeds being erased by a mysterious power surge, and the only survivor a jibbering mad-mare, what befell the crew of the Demeter is a mystery that we may never solve. Authorities have confirmed that there are both photos and video of the expedition itself, and that they will be released as soon as investigators have determined if they give any clue to what caused this voyage to end so tragically.
The artifact itself is being held at Starsdale and promises to be the most important find in the history of Equestria, possibly all of Equus, but let nopony suggest that it’s importance could ever outway it’s cost in pony life. The Sky King has expressed his personal condolences to the families of those brave souls lost to death or madness, while the Night Queen has withdrawn in her grief and made no personal appearances since receiving the tragic news.

Beyond the Silver Sky: Welcome to Ponyvale

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There was a bright flash of magic and two ponies, a thing that took the shape of deformed pony, and four crystal statues appeared amid the ruins of a pony village. Ruins was perhaps too generous a term. Certainly the odd wall, and many foundations could be seen amid the encroaching wilderness of the Everfree, but no pony had lived here in hundreds of years. The only structure still standing was a lone spire. The monster alone remembered it for what it once had been, a near vainglorious palace. The tree of harmony incarnate. This lonely tower was all that remained of the castle of friendship.

“Ponyvale.” The orange biped pony removed the helmet of his spacesuit and looked around in abject horror. “We have to leave! We have to run! If she finds out we’re here…”

The beast known as Train Wreck Pastel gazed in horror at the crowds of pony statues gathered around the crumbling tower. All the residents of Ponyville standing facing the castle of their princess, every face fixed in a sad expectant smile. Standing before them were six ponies giving looks of encouragement: Starlight Glimmer, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and…

“No.” The beast's face was a mask of grief and rage. “No! Not you too! It isn’t bad enough that I failed your sister? That I failed my family? Not you too, Pinkie Pie! Dammit! You supposed get married, and grow old watching your grand foals playing. You were supposed to live! You were supposed to live! You promised her, Pinkie Pie! You Pinkie Pie promised her on her deathbed that you would live for her! Who did this to you, Pinkie Pie?”

“We have to leave, like RIGHT NOW!” James was manic with terror. “If Madam Sparkle catches us here, we’re done for!”

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” The beasts bellowing howl shook the very earth beneath their hooves. “COME OUT! Come out and answer to me or I will tear what is left of your castle to the ground and drag you out!”

“I won’t let you do that, Train Wreck,” a deep grinding voice echoed from behind the castle gate as it swung open, allowing a sinewy massive purple form to emerge.

“Spike,” the beast's gaze met the emerging dragon without so much as a flinch, “Where is your mother? I have business with her, and she had best to have answers for this.”

“Things are not as they seem, Unspoken Prince.” The dragon met the beast's gaze glare for glare. “Twilight called you her friend once, it would be best if returned to us as such. You’re anger and confusion is understandable, but it is misplaced.”

“Then tell me Spike, what is this? Just tell me what it is I’m looking at?” The monster refused to back down, gesturing to his companions. “They didn’t even know what changelings were. They are clearly terrified to be here. Twilight is supposed to be the Princess of Friendship. Dammit man! It’s been 1000 years. When the ponies learned about the massacre in Baltimare, when they started breaking the changelings, Celestia was supposed to be sending them away until she found a way to reverse it! It’s been 1000 years!”

“Do you think I don’t know that?!?! You’ve always been a selfish thing, Train Wreck Pastel!” The dragon raged with tears in his eyes. “Look around you! Do you think you’re the only one who’s been keeping a vigil all this time? Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, we were supposed to grow up together! Now they wait as lifeless statues for their Princess to return. CELESTIA IS GONE! Luna is gone! The Sun and moon move themselves. The age of wonders is over. It ended a long time ago. There are no princes. There are no princesses. There are the Queen and the King of the Night and Sky.”

“We had hoped you would return a long time ago.” A new voice emerged from within the castle, and Jame’s moved protectively in front of Judith. “Please, don’t bother, my reputation is well deserved when it comes to vandals and grave robbers. If you were those things, you would already be dead. You are guests, in the presence of a friend. At least I hope I can still call you that?”

A tall regal, somehow very old looking alicorn strode from her tower and fixed the beast with an accusing stare, “I gave you the means to return so you would come back to us, Train Wreck. You rant against Pinkie's decision, but you did the same thing. Except you could have come back and fulfilled your promise to Surprise any time you wanted to.”

“This… was their decision?” Train Wreck was caught at a loss.

“Everypony was broken by what happened.” The alicorn shook her head slowly. “It was never just your grief. You had responsibility! You were a prince, though you never accepted it. You set the precedent for this. Celestia, Luna, the ponies of Ponyville, they were all following in your sad example.”

“What happened?” Judith pushed forward. “Forgive me Madam Sparkle, but none of anything you are saying makes any sense, to either of us. Who is Celestia? Who is Luna? Why do you keep calling Train Wreck the ‘Unspoken Prince’? And why does history have no mention of any of this? Or changelings for that matter?”

“History had to be rewritten,” the former princess of friendship explained sadly, “because an angry princess did something she couldn’t undo to stop a monster, and a selfish prince turned his back from the world that needed him in it’s moment of grief. That’s what you did Train Wreck. You turned your back on us. This world needed forgiveness, but you were just to angry, just too stubborn. You couldn’t forgive the world.”

“This world took everything from me!” The giant argued angrily. “It started with my soul. Celestia made me a killer to fight her war. Surprise was the only reason I didn’t become as evil as that damned bastard who wears my face under all his lies. An then she was gone. And then… Baltimare happened. Carrot Plate… I can’t even imagine what she went through. And then Celestia did… that. And I know she thought she could undo it. I know she thought it was the only way to catch him. Maybe it was. Was it worth it? What did I have to hold me here? I wanted to die, but Discord took that from me. So I joined my family. I couldn’t leave them alone like that. Z… she always hated sleeping alone. She had to sleep with me and Surprise, or with Carrot Plate. She was always afraid that the world might be a dream and one day she might wake up starving in that empty city! And Diane… my special little monster, was I supposed to leave them all alone a million miles from home?”

“I understand,” the dragon spoke softly, “But you have to understand, everything has changed. The world didn’t stop turning just because you left it.”

Beyond the Silver Sky: The End of the Road?

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It was late into the night and Twilight had dismissed their guests to their quarters as she sat across a massive table from the more massive form of Train Wreck Pastel.

“Can you restore them?” The monster bowed his head before the former princess. “They said it was possible.”

“Don’t change the subject Train Wreck,” Twilight’s voice was grim. “You smashed his statue, you tried to kill him.”

“And I failed.” The stallion's voice dripped bitterness.

“He was trapped in living crystal on the moon! He wasn’t a threat anymore,” the princess insisted.

“He was in a coma in a changeling pod when he abused my daughter.” Train Wreck nearly spat. “He came back from the dead and drugged half of canterlot into a circus of rape, and I drained him of every ounce of magic and chased him back to hell, and he still came back! He murdered hundreds of ponies, including my second wife in Baltimare, and pushed your own beloved mentor to the point of near genocide!”

“This isn’t about him, it’s about you,” Twilight insisted, “You’re not a murderer, Trainwreck.”

“You say that like your so sure.” The beasts smile chilled the alicorn to her core. “Can you wake them up? Or not? Not my family, not just the changelings, what about all your friends outside? You promised you wake them up when Celestia came back.”

“She’s not coming back!” Twilight snapped, tears flowing freely from her eyes. “It’s a lie, all of it! Celestia didn’t go into exile, she committed suicide! There is no cure for crystal petrification, if I had my guess, they awakened the Nopony as some kind of crystal golem. He maintained his will because he was left awake as punishment for his crimes, but Luna sent all the other changelings, and all my friends into an endless sleep. Even if we reanimated them, without her to awaken them, they would only be lifeless automatons. I’m sorry, Train Wreck, but the only hope I can offer you is the wish I’ve made every night for the last thousand years, that maybe. Just maybe this is just all some alternate time loop left over from my dual with Starlight Glimmer, and maybe we’ll all just wake up.”

“I can’t believe that!” The giant sulked helplessly. “After all this time, after everything, this can’t be…”

The End?