After spending Hearth's Warming Eve with the Apples, something has changed in Marble Pie's world: up until then, she had only known the familiar ground of the rock farms community, which was so much different from the world the Apples must have come from. Something in her just screams to go and see this world (and, maybe, just maybe, also meet again a certain red stallion...), even if the rest of the community might disapprove. A story about romance, growth and overcoming anxieties.
Chapters (10)
This sounds very good so far. I can't wait to read more.
It seems a bit fast to me by not bad! I didn't see any spelling errors. I'm not a native English speaker either,I was taught in grade school.
For talking, put it in it's own paragraph and use quotes instead of dashes at the start.
Other than that I'm really liking this premise. Tracking to see how it goes.
6575668 will definitely do: I am used to doing that because that is how we edit in my home country and it is engraved in my mind, but I will definitely change it. Thank you!
6575639 wow fast? I was afraid I was taking it too slow, since the actual romance doesn't come into play until at least the third chapter... I am glad that didn't happen though.
6575638 thank you! I have already written chapter two and three and will publish them soon enough
This is really good! Keep going
This is a very good start! Not bad. Makes me very eager for the next chapter. Keep it up. :)
6577157 actually, that's the european way of spelling it :3
6577279 6577157 that is correct: even though I am Italian, I use the British as model for my English, which is why I spell the words that end in -ize with -ise
6577356 np
6577550 Thanks
I will publish the third on Friday, maybe Saturday, depending on how much time I get to proofread...
Maud isn't spelled with an 'e'.
Another good chapter. I didn't think her family would accept her going to Ponyville to see Pinkie and Big Mac,
Good, good, very good. I can sense the drama this story will have. This gonna be gooood. Nice chapter.
6578633 ooops O_O How did I let that happen? Going to edit it as soon as possible... thank you very much!
6578745 Techincally, she never mentioned Big Mac to them... my whole idea was that, sometimes, when you want to talk about something to your family and you are really worried, it actually ends up going really smooth...
Wow. These pseudo-Amish settlements are rough.
I thought it was particularly harsh how Sandstone up and decided how long her vacation should be. What a delightfully bureaucratic villain!
Marble is such a cutie pie! I feel for her though. I really hope she enjoys her party.
She's just adorable. No wonder Mac likes her.
Need an "an" in there.
This should be capitalized in this case since it is acting as a title. Kinda like Princess Celestia or Empress Luna.
This is a really long sentence with a couple different thoughts, break it up.
Should be "Hearth's"
"does" doesn't need to be there, it is also in the middle of a run-on sentence.
Professor is a title in this case and should be capitalized. Also, Maud is a good sister.
This is cute, I like it. There are some issues with really long sentences and you seem to used a colon far more than I am used to. I am not sure if it is in incorrect, but my inner Grammar Nazi says it is.
6583962 yeah, I know I use long sentences: it is something that I drag from my mother language (Italian), where it's not uncommon. I am trying to cut them as much as possible. The colon is used to separate a phrase from an explanation or precisation and, for some reason, my brain seems to do that a lot. I am trying to cut that one as well. I am going to correct everything you mentioned as soon as possible: most of it seems to be bad mannerisms that I drag from my mother language, but I'm not going to use it as an excuse to keep getting it wrong. I really appreciate constructive criticism, so thank you very much for providing it
I feel this would be better as:
Twilight Sparkle was walking through the main street of Ponyville towards her hay burger restaurant of choice. Compiling letter after letter on friendship advice could easily become tiresome and she needed a well deserved break.
"meeting", I suggest the colon be a comma.
Reminder from last chapter: it's a title. (Yes I know you can't fix it in that time, noting that the small error is in multiple chapters.)
"surpass" is not really the right word. It is synonymous with "exceed" or "excel". "Passed" would be the right word.
How could it be "downstairs" when the office is on the first floor. Did Marble enter through the basement?
This sentence is right... but needs some words switched out. It seems to be present tense when so far everything has seemed to be in past tense. Maybe something like:
Clark Sandstone glared over her desk, her cold eyes boring into Marble's.
I feel "leave" is a better word choice here.
I like the story, direction, and detail, but the word choice and sentence structure needs work. English is a damn confusing language with many words meaning the same thing but only used in certain cases. I picked out somethings, but there is a lot more that will disappear with experience.
6584071 Thank you again! I am going to correct it as much as possible. You are providing me with some really useful insight.
Edit: The only thing that confuses me is this: do you not make a distincion between ground floor and first floor? I have been in English speaking countries and I never noticed the ground floor being marked as "one"... maybe I simply did not pay attention enough, but it does sound odd to me.
Edit II: Pardon me, but I thought "was" is the simple past tense of the verb "to be", so I don't get how that particular sentence sounds present to you. Maybe it is something that I have somehow missed, but I would like to know it, so that I don't repeat the same mistake in the future.
Trailed isn't the right word in this case. Yes it is a verb, yes it means to follow, but the following is usually done under ones own power and usually in secret; example: "The wolf trailed its prey into the thickening woods."
In this case dragged would fit better.
"expressive"?
What are you trying to say here? Rampant is not a word usually used to describe a statue. Weeds and other fast growing things are usually associated with the word. It is kinda like "rampage". My mind is thinking it is a "crazy mare" statue.
"her", "styled"
Cake? It looks more like a gingerbread house.
Cute story, I think I will stick around for any chapter updates.
6584051
No problem, like I said earlier I couldn't pick out everything since it would be very tedious but I pointed out examples of what I thought would be best to focus on first.
6584147 oooh, thank you! I was looking for the right word right there and I wasn't finding it! Yes, I know that "drag" is the best there and "trail" didn't sound right, but unfortunately, the right word just slipped my mind when I was writing that... as far as the rest goes, not to sound repetitive, but I thank you and I will correct it immediately. Though, I thought that "rampant" is used in iconography when some kind of animal, usually an equine, is standing on their hind legs and pointing their fore legs in a majestic pose... I might be wrong, but that is what I thought.
6584161
Yes rampant does mean that, but I think that is more in terms of family crests and not statues. I am not quite sure since that meaning of the word is depreciated in modern times and even more so in America.
I wish my parents had been as understanding...
"I'm going to head to Karl's house!"
"Oh? Do you think?"
"Do you plan to start another fire, or do you think your own parents to be fools?"
"What? No! Of course not - I'm just going to go hang out with my friends."
"Would it not be just as well to invite them over here?"
"Yeah, Gus; do you hate your family or something?"
"Shut the hell up, Hermann - why don't you go hang out at your faggot boyfriend's house, hm?"
"Keep talking, you little bastard, it will only be that much better when I beat your teeth straight down your throat!"
"Boys, if you're going to fight, then do so outside."
"Look, I just want to go visit my friends!"
"Then invite them over here; you're not going out - you'll only cause more trouble!"
...
I despised my childhood.
orig04.deviantart.net/af6a/f/2013/251/f/c/sad_johann_template_by_gustauve_drakenhime-d6lk52m.png
Ah, yes, Trains. I do so love trains. Trains were an integral part of my terrible childhood.
Why, if it weren't for trains, I couldn't have run away from home in order to garner attention from my parents nearly as often as I did.
And if it weren't for trains, I wouldn't have been able to do nearly as many completely asinine stunts as I did growing up.
This is building up to an entertaining story. Please - do continue.
6584284 that sounds really odd to me: as far as I know, iconography uses the same terminology regardless of the medium used. Again, I may be wrong, but I'm not really convinced about that. If you could also check the second answer I gave you, I do have a couple more doubts (if that is ok with you, that is...).
How did I miss this chapter? Or is it new?
You know what, ignore me.
I'll be over there... Somewhere.
6584352
You're probably right. It is just something I have not seen often. You got me this time Gustav!
6584111
In my experience in elevators you either have the ground floor marked as "1" or "G". But I have never seen the floor above the ground floor called the first floor, always jumps to 2. After that, anything under the ground is called Basement 1, then 2, and so forth.
"to be" does work as the present tense of "was", but it also depends on other context. I am not really sure what you are referring to in this case though so I can't really give accurate information.
Grammar wise, you're doing a fine job. People have been pointing out your few issues you need to address. The biggest one for me, however, is your giant walls of text. You need to break these paragraphs down smaller so that it's easier on the eyes.
Good start though. I'll read the rest and see how it is.
6587653 will do, thanks!
I find this story intriguing so far. Though I've seen some little mistakes during your typing, still, I see this as a nice story. (And I see you supposedly putting Big Macintosh X Marble Pie into this, which I personally ship.
)
Awww such a cutie pie!!!
I read this in an Irish accent.
This would be a comma and the dialog doesn't need to go to a new line.
What did Limestone do?
Word repetition and you can have this colon be a period. The dialog doesn't need to be a new line either.
To get rid of the repetition you could write: "... she was starting with her metaphorical snowball." Then go into the dialog.
These colons before dialog really should be commas and on the same line since the dialog is part of the introducing sentence.
"heard", the event just happened but it is still in the past relative to the dialog.
I feel you can work on removing colons and mainly grammar and sentence structure. The pacing of the story isn't too fast despite the shortness of each chapter. The fact you keep the amount of events that happen in each chapter small to match length is better than what I have seen in other stories.
6584325
I'll come visit you...
I probably just sounded like a stalker, and I can't afford to go anywhere. I'm a minor after all.
6587653 Any tips on breaking down walls of text? I'm like our talented author here; my walls of text are feared throughout the internet, and I probably have a bounty on my head for making such large ones, all just for a simple comment. Mercy befall those who stumble upon my text walls and are dyslexic.
6589831
I have always assumed that Maud would be the oldest, though I can now see that it is not that obvious: I'm going to think about how to rework it in order to exclude the ambiguity.
About not needing to start a new paragraph for dialogue, isn't it in the site's rule that we should always do it? And, if it's not always needed, how do I distinguish?
If these are your only big problems, I sense an improvement from previous chapters (woohoo!): I hope that, by the end of this, my English writing will have been sensibly improved
Edit: I am happy you noticed that bit about pacing, as it is something that I consciously do. My idea of a chapter is having one core event described, plus several minor ones to set up later events.
I'm really loving this! Please don't make Marble go back the next day, she's so cute and it would break my heart for her to be bullied by her community.
6589957 you'll see what is going to happen
6589968 And I'll be waiting!
6589892
Deciding when to start a new paragraph for dialog is generally when the subject of the sentence changes. Subject in this case being the character the paragraph is talking about. Things like this are fine for use in dialog:
As you can see, no paragraphs are made between speakers. I don't see any character talking for a really long time, but those are broken up as well just so there isn't a wall of text.
This time, I am just trying to focus on certain aspects of your writing I feel you should focus on for the next chapter. Once you get that down, I will point out something else. However, I know there are some grammatical differences between British and American English; and since I am American, you are going to get the American way... the Freedom Way.
6590624 I actually checked out one of my books by Sir Terry Pratchett in his mother tongue to see how it was edited and I get now how you say it is done... I kinda feel like a dingus for not checking before posting my story in the first place now. As soon as I have time, I am doing a massive re-edit of all dialogue in my story. Lesson learned, I guess...
6589879
lol!
Oh wow! That made me laugh for some reason.
That was actually something that occurred some 20 years ago. I've since moved on, moved out, and gotten as far away from my family as possible!
But all in all, I thank you for your kind words; I was a troubled child who lived amidst a troubled family, and it's always nice to receive some empathy in that regard.
All in all, life has been fine for me. I can only hope it remains as such.
But yes, you did come off as rather creepy there. But that's okay, because I'm stalking you too.
cdn.stylefrizz.com/img/smiling-cat.jpg
Reading this story inexplicably makes me smile...
I wish I could write happy and uplifting things...
But all I really seem truly capable of writing involves violence and dark mortality...
:<
Keep up the good work, ja?
:D
6590824
If you don't want to do so much work, you can just move forward with what you have learned. Though 9k words shouldn't be too difficult if you knuckle down and do it.
Oh Marble. You just want me to hug and nuzzle you for being so shy and adorable.
6589882
I may be wrong, but how PERSONALLY how I do it is I do my best to round each paragraph at around five sentences. The big thing to do is each paragraph is to hold a topic in them, one that only pretains to that paragraph, and by the next one you've left that idea and continued the story.
You could make any story paragraph five, ten, hell twenty sentences long. But then it becomes difficult to read. Just sit down and look at what you got, how you can break it up, and go from there. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but once you start playing around with the idea, you're quick to pick up on it and improve on it.
6590824
Don't feel too bad about messing up once. That's why most of us are here for; to help you improve your writing skills, especially when the story you give us is interesting.
Marble's so adorable in this chapter. Reading about her internal conflict just makes me go aawwww... she's so precious. Poor marble.