The frozen lake
Everything had happened very quickly.
Big Macintosh wasn't far from the table he had helped preparing for the party. He did regret not going at the station that morning because of the preparations, but he was happy with the results after all. Once the party had started, he didn't have anyone to talk to, but that was fine as he wasn't the talkative kind. He liked those who managed to say a lot with few words: that was one big reason why, despite knowing lots of mares, the one who caught his attention had been Marble Pie, not a week prior.
He had watched the grey mare as she talked with the Cutie Mark Crusaders: she was very pretty. When their gazes met, he turned his head, pretending he was just looking around. Then, she had come to the table and he had tried to work up the courage to go and talk to her. "Big Mac, go to her, tell her that you remember her and that you'd like to... to do what? Talk? That isn't going anywhere... dance? That isn't going anywhere either..." and, as he was thinking, Twilight had started talking to Marble. "There goes my chance... I'll have to wait for another opening." But, as soon as Twilight had gone, he hesitated again and Rarity intervened in his place. "Shoot! I should prepare for when Rarity is done... how do I address her? Madam? Miss? What do I say to her?"
As the conversation with Rarity went on, he noticed that Marble's mood was getting worse, until she left the table with her head low. She passed just beside him and he raised a hoof to catch her attention, but, as he opened his mouth to say something, hardly any sound came out. She moved on without even noticing his presence. She had gone to a corner and just sat there, with a sad look on her.
He looked towards Rarity, who was baffled and mortified at the same time, and the unicorn said, "I really don't understand what did I do to upset her, I swear!"
Big Mac didn't give it much thought and just went towards the grey mare in the corner. "Big Mac, don't screw it up now. Go there, ask her if you can do anything for her and treat her like a gentlepony would..."
When he was next to her, he said, "Pardon, madam... Ah recall meeting ya last Heart's Warming Eve and... uh... is there something wrong?"
And the voice in his head screamed, "Really? Is that the best you could say? You should stick to eeyup and nnope, next time..."
Marble raised her head and, as soon as she did that, she noticed two things: the first was that Big Macintosh was just there, next to her; the second was that everypony was watching her with concern. She hadn't considered that, being the party guest, everyone would notice if she behaved in some odd way. She blushed really violently and tried answering, but she wasn't able to speak any coherent word.
Big Mac extended his hoof to her and said, "Why don't ya come outside one moment? Maybe, with some fresh air..."
He didn't finish the sentence, but she did take his hoof, as she really did feel like taking a long, hard breath of fresh air. As soon as they were out in the open, the silence and the cool air managed to relax Marble a little.
She spoke to Big Mac without looking at him directly. "Thank you..."
"You're welcome."
They stood there in silence, as neither felt the need to say anything more than that. She was looking at the orchard, now devoid of foliage, trying to imagine what it would look like in summer. She was somewhat aware that he was watching her, perhaps with concern about what had just happened, so she tried to say something to explain it.
"Everything here is too much."
He remained silent for a bit, probably considering what she had just said, then asked, "Wanna go home?"
She hesitated, but eventually shook her head. She then added, "I want to see everything. At my pace."
She could see with her peripheral vision that he nodded.
They stood there in silence for a few minutes more, then she said, "I'm supposed to go back home tomorrow. There's not much time."
He turned towards Ponyville and stood silent for a while.
After that, he spoke. "Wanna take a walk around? As slow as ya want..."
She turned to him, expressionless, and nodded. They started walking away together in unison, no more words spoken. As they were walking, she felt some sort of calm... a calm that was emanating from the stallion walking on her side: putting one hoof in front of the other in complete silence, together, helped her clear her mind. She had been feeling one strong emotion after another all day, she realised that she really did need a pause really bad; she also realised that Big Mac was providing it. She had thought that being together with him would make her feel some sort of euphoria, but that calm, in that moment, was actually a hundred times better for her than any kind of powerful feeling. She felt at home, even more so than when she was in her real home.
Marble felt like she was in another world, where nopony imposed their expectations on her, where she could just walk, feel the cool air on her coat, smell the subtle scents of the nature in winter, hear the faint sounds of a sleeping orchard, lose herself in thought and contemplation. She was grateful to Big Mac, both for being with her and for not meddling with her thought process in that moment: the first thing made her feel protected, the second respected. She didn't even know where were they going, nor did she care.
Slowly, a blissful smile started growing on the grey mare's face, as she left all her worries behind them, not even caring anymore about having to go back home the very next day. Her eyes were only half open, just enough to see where she was putting her hooves, so that she could let her other senses run wild. It didn't happen often that she could just take a walk outside, not worrying about work or neighbouring farmers asking what was she doing.
She didn't even know for how long they went on like that, but they ended up in front of a lake covered with ice.
They stopped almost at the same time and, in that moment, Marble spoke the first words in what had felt like a beautiful millennium to her. "There was a lake like this when we were little. Pinkie used to ice skate on it all the time in winter. I was never good at it, but I liked to watch her."
He looked at her, then at the lake, paused and, after a couple of seconds, he nodded.
They stayed in silence for a bit, then he spoke. "I don't skate often either. I do like watching the fish under the ice, however."
There was another pause, then Marble asked, "Is the ice solid here?"
"Eeyup."
"Are we far from the farm?"
"Nnope."
"Do you have any ice skates?
He turned towards the farm and said, "Eeyup. Wait here, if ya like..."
She smiled, nodded and murmured:
"Mhm!"
The two ponies were clumsily skating on the solid ice, but they didn't really care about elegance, as they were just having fun together. Years had passed since the last time Marble had even touched a set of skates, let alone tried to balance on them. He wasn't graceful either, but he could keep balance, so, every time she was about to fall, Big Mac was there to keep her on her four legs; every time she would delicately laugh, followed by him smiling silently. They still didn't share a lot of words: laughing together, smiling to each other and exchanging gazes told more about what they were going through than any amount of words. They were running circles on the ice, oblivious of the world around them, crossing each other's paths and looking in each other's eyes: his green against her purple. Occasionally, they stopped a moment to catch some breath and watch the red fishes under the frozen surface.
The light of day was growing dimmer by the minute, but they didn't even notice it for the longest time. Only when Marble saw that she could see the town lights coming from behind a nearby hill did they ask themselves how much time had they spent together. They went on the border of the lake and took off the skates.
Marble, with her tiny smile, said to him, "Thank you, Big Mac. I had a very nice time."
He smiled back and said, "Eeyup!"
She looked towards the light, then back at his figure, covered in quasi darkness, eventually building up the courage to say, "I need to go to my sister now."
He didn't say a word, he just nodded and started walking towards Ponyville to guide her.
Big Mac was leading the way and Marble was mechanically following him. The town, in the evening, still covered in Hearth's Warming lights, was even more beautiful than during the day, but she couldn't focus her attention on any of it, being tired and hungry from all the skating. She was also starting to actually feel cold: she was looking forward to being back in Sugarcube Corner. She also had a nagging feeling in the back of her head that she was forgetting something important, but her fatigue and hunger kept her from thinking straight.
Soon enough, they arrived at their destination, exchanged one last gaze, then she thanked him again for the time together and they just parted ways, no long goodbyes.
When Marble got in, she was welcomed by the warmth of the inside and the fragrances of the bakery. As if she had sensed her sister arriving, Pinkie materialised out of thin air.
"Marble! Where have you been? What have you done? You didn't like the party, did you?"
Marble, with her most tired expression, smiled and said, "I had a great time. Thanks for the party, sorry for not staying until the end."
The grey mare's stomach growled.
"Ooh! Are you hungry Marble? I'll immediately get you some dinner!"
The day was almost over. Marble was looking out of the window, as her sister was already asleep in her bed. The lights, outside the window, kept on shining even though the town was falling asleep, giving it a surreal look and making the stars in the sky invisible. Few ponies were still walking down the streets.
Marble had since realised that, caught in the moment, she hadn't bought the ticket for home, but she figured she could wake up a bit earlier and buy it in the station, thanks to Pinkie telling her that in Ponyville the railroad offices were actually at the station and not in the town hall, so she wasn't preoccupied. She was a bit sad to already go back, not having done even half of what she wanted to do there, or seen half of what she wanted to see.
She still didn't know what to carve in her little marble block back home: she had considered Big Mac as a subject, but she wanted something less specific... a "what" instead of a "who". Marble didn't have the faintest idea, which was a pity, since her time there was already over, possibly forever.
She thought back at the time she had spent with the red stallion of the Apple family... she had rarely been as happy as with him: everything had felt natural, with almost no need for explanations and words. She craved for more time like that. In her head, she knew she might never get any of that ever again, but something in her guts refused to accept it, which kept her from despairing.
Thinking about it, Marble asked herself if it was really necessary to go back home the day after... before that moment, she had never even thought of disobeying, but now she was actively considering and contemplating that option: what was there to stop her? Her family could do without her for a few days more and, with some luck, maybe Sandstone wouldn't even know about it. The more she thought about it, the more viable it seemed. After all, she couldn't go back home without a good idea for her sculpture...
She went into her small but comfortable folding bed, tucking herself under the blankets, thinking back at all the nice moments that she had experienced that day, forgetting all about sadness and embarrassment. The picture of her and Big Macintosh skating on the lake lulled her in a peaceful state of slumber, full of happy dreams.
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Dawww... slowly opening her mind to the world, but at her own pace.
Cute.
Hey Marble, you should disobey for the lulz.
That was such a sweet moment between Big Mac and Marble skating.
Awwww oh my luna that was incredible!Cant wait for next chapter
6595056 the problem is that, even though I have a decent grasp on the English language, some concepts are still somewhat alien to me. A language isn't just about words, it's a way of thinking. While doing this "Convictions set in Stone" business I am actually breaking a few of my own convictions set in stone: the way I am used to think does not necessarily apply when I'm writing in another language and so, even though I have been writing for most of my life, I end up making rookie mistakes, which really drives me mad. I am grateful that someone points out my problems, however, being a perfectionist, I can't help but be angry at myself for not having had the humility to check out a grammar book and a maybe even a freaking novel before I tried to write in another language.
And so begins the slippery slope into immoral hedonism.
Marble will come back from a three-day vacation and find that she's been condemned by the town for being a decadent harlot who stood in the company of an unwed stallion. I just assume that's a crime in Sandstone's eyes; it would perfectly fit the fanatically puritan/totalitarian feel of her administration if Marble was expected to abhor contact with stallions until she could be paired with one via an arranged marriage or town lottery or something like that.
6598080 you're close, but not quite. You have to keep in mind that I have written this story with an "everyone" rating, so I plan to keep this as innocent as possible. I'm definitely not going to address hedonism in this story, regardless of what I think about the subject.
6598114
Hedonism doesn't necessarily refer to anything that would violate an "E" rating. It just means a general devotion to pleasure. With a SLIGHT connotation to sinful behavior *cough*.
Considering the attitudes on display in Marble's community, I can only imagine that they'd consider a late-afternoon round of ice-skating with an unmarried stallion tantamount to adultery. And it would certainly fit the theme: you take every possible opportunity to have Marble wonder at how much ordinary, happy Ponyville living would offend her town's administrator/despot.
Fantastic!
Such a sweet moment. Its so innocent.
6598257 being a philosophy student, when I hear certain words I often instantly think of their more specific meaning instead of a more general one, so my bad if I misunderstood that.
6598374
Well, hedonism means different things to different people. I would certainly hope most people's idea of true hedonism would be depraved enough to warrant a stronger rating tag.
To Sandstone, it probably means having dessert more than once a month.
That's the point, really.
...Gustav, I dont know what to say to this...I had my doubts in the start, but now I sit each day waiting for a new chapter. This story is amazing, I just hope its not a short one.
6599189 happy to assist
6598449 why thank you, dear sir!
I like to slowly build up my stories, because I have seen that, this way, they often get much more momentum once they get started. I have a self imposed schedule of a chapter every two days, so the next one will be tomorrow, probably around 18:00 Greenwich Time, give or take an hour.
Ok, I'm sorry I comment this often under my own story... I wanted to thank you for all the lovely comments that I have received and I didn't personally give an answer to
All of you make me happy that I posted this story here, so thank you, all of you
Aw, this was cute!
Hellz yea, Marble, fight the good fight! Viva la revolution! Anarchy! Down with the conformists!
It would be pretty intense if Marble's defiance resulted in a mob from the community taking a train to go retrieve her, or Sandstone going to bring her back herself. I have to wonder if Sandstone is as bad as Starlight, seeing as they're both cult leaders.
Though Sandstone seems to be more of a religious or traditionalist cult leader rather than extremist like Starlight. The level of manipulation she seems to hold over the community is worrying, though. Poor Marble.
6599703 cant wait! keep up the good work
I like this story; it has more substance than most MarbleMac fics, or fics about Marble Pie in general.
If I have one complaint, it's when Pinkie Pie says, "I'll immediately arrange dinner for you!" It just seems too formal for her, like something that Rarity would say. Pinkie would be more like, "Ooh, let me get you some dinner!"
Otherwise, you write very well for a non-native speaker and I can't wait to read more of this fic.
6600888 you raise a really good point: I do think too that mannerism in speech is important for characterisation, so I'm going to edit it very soon. Thank you!
The far more common form is "get some fresh air". Unless you are purposefully making Big Mac say something a little awkward.
While "gracious" is a synonym of "elegant" and "graceful", it is usually in reference to an object and not a person. I feel graceful would work better unless it is in a nearby sentence.
Why is Marble using the royal we? Unless she is deciding Big Mac had a good time for him.
"watched" should be "looked". In this context the word should be a closer synonym to "glanced".
Again, this is an awkward sentence given the context of the situation. It is technically right, but it is not what is normally said. It is more akin to how people would write a robot trying to fit in with society.
The dialog is much better in this chapter. Only thing I really see now are little grammar niggles and word choice. English has so many words that mean the same thing but only are used certain context; it can make things really confusing. Only practice will help there, and being familiar with other works of English.
6601052 as usual, you provide me with some really useful feedback. Thank you again! As of writing, I have already edited most of what you just pointed out. I don't know what I would be doing without this kind of feedback.
6601114
I'll keep an eye out for anything big and easy to fix, but right now it looks like you are getting into the fine tuning of things. I think what really helps is that you seem to have a handle on pacing and events; that stuff can really ruin a story even if it has good word choice and grammar. It is also harder to work on.
6601261 thanks
I do agree with you that pacing and storytelling are much harder to work on. If I do have a handle on them, like you kindly said, it is only thanks to more than a decade of incessant writing and exercise. Also, I have been reading a whole freaking lot all my life, including many books in English (including the Silmarillion once). I am really glad that it did pay off at least a bit.
What I have come to appreciate about this story in particular is the feel. Not the feels, but the general mellow and low energy vibe that emanates from it. The pacing is moving along decently fast, we're already at the end of day one after already coming from Rock Farm, and yet it feel like not much has happened, and it reality, many trips are like that. You go somewhere, see some new things and then go to bed and think about them. Or maybe that's just me.
My point is that everything feels slightly muted, dulled down, and gray. Were it another fic, I'd take issue with that, but this story revolves around Marble and that quiet, calm, muted feeling resonates with her character (or what we have seen at least). I like the quiet milling about. It's not Disneyland, but its like a quiet walk in Autumn or something. Its nice an peaceful. Even the 'antagonist' is kind of a muted threat that has so far only shown disapproval as her threat. Maybe Marble will be excommunicated later, but right now its still a quiet threat and I'm using the word "threat" very loosely.
This has been cute and honestly relaxing. I like the inner thought process of Marble and can believe a person like this and the community they came from. I'd normally say the pacing is too slow, or there should be more plot or something, but this adventure running at a slice of life pace really works here. I expect things will escalate soon, but this is been a chill ride thus far. Just listen to Fourpony, as he/she/it points out all the grammar/ misspellings I catch before I can point them out. Typos, pacing, and story feel covered, I look forward to continue reading this.
6598067 You're doing fine. Your grasp of how to write in english is better than many native speakers on this site.
Keep up the good work.
That was a nice MarbleMac scene
!