- Member Since 27th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2023
EternalShadow54
Just a guy trying out his luck at writing.
EternalShadow54
Joined 27th Apr, 2012 ·
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[youtube=LmqUQ1gPxCM]
658474
I see...
It could use a quick edit, but I loved the story. Also, the ominous allusion to the mare being Cherliee. Brrr.
667249 Thanks!
so a few errors always seem to slip through. I'll see if I can find them.
I don't have anypony to look over my stuff
And about Cherliee...
Very well written, I have to say. The description and word flow was very nice and I enjoyed that part of it. But I have to say it could use a bit more plot, as of right now I would more call it gore porn than grimdark. You've got the torture part down, but focus a bit on the why of it, bring out the story of love and loss and revenge and then the suffering will be even more heart wrenching to the readers.
Thumbs up for talent and keep up the good work =) Just remember the plot and the lead in and suspense!
683432 Thanks! It was intentionally kept vauge though.
But I will keep that in mind next time.
683680
No problem. I mean, I suppose it depends upon your intention. If you intended to have a story that was gory and would unsettle most people you succeeded completely, but if you wanted a story to scare people and keep them awake at night, a bit more suspense would be good =)
Keep up the good work though.
683687 Thanks, I shall.
) I was just writing a pony based gore story based on what a friend requested.
I wasn't trying to make another cupcakes or anything, (or what would be a cupcakes to most. The story didn't bother me that much.
Regardless, glad ya liked it.
688041
Yeah! It was really good as a gore fic, and the details were nicely written out.
Hello there! You asked me to give this my opinion and so... here I am!
I dislike warnings/disclaimers on the story's chapters/descriptions. Such things like "this contains gore/clop" should be seen by those who are going to read a story. If I were you, I'd take off the warnings. If anyone comes raging at you because they read gore and they didn't want to, tell them that they are idiots for completely disregarding the tags in the story.
You have a very good grasp on the language and your writing is really good. But somehow it feels... dead. I mean- the descriptions are dreary by themselves, but they can't make me "feel" anything because I find the text to be somewhat lacking. Like... the text gives us so much that we're left without something to experience for ourselves. I guess that what I'm trying to say is, be more simplistic on some parts, no need to go into full-detail about some things (but the gory descriptions were perfect).
This text is very poetic in itself. It is very, very good, but I think that the Tragedy and Sad tags are unfit to this fanfic. I mean- they could be used if us, the readers, have feelings for the tortured or torturer. But from the start to the finish, all we think that he betrayed her in some way or the other. Only in the ending we do realize that they actually had something together (or not, I loved how this was left open for interpretation). My point is: we do not spend enough time to develop feelings for the tortured or the torturer. We only know that they are feeling emotions because the text tells us this, but we don't get to experience such emotions, y'know what I'm saying?
Overall: Great writing and awesome descriptions (even though some were a bit too much at times). This still isn't a horror fanfic per se, because it still lacks plot. But as a gore fanfic, this is sublime.
Please note: To me, gore is different from horror which is different from shock value; I shall explain here.
Horror: The tension builds up to a boil and there is a whole backstory to why the gore (if there is any) will happen. Examples: Salty Shores, Borderline and Cheerilee's Garden
Gore: The fanfic already starts with the tension on it's fullest and remains that way until the story is completed, being backed up by little backstory. Example: this fanfic and many other stories around the website.
Shock Value: Gore for the sake of gore, having a backstory that makes no sense at all (or don't have a backstory at all). Example: Cupcakes (Find Rainbow Dash; Kill Rainbow Dash; Profit)
PS: Just note that I'm in no way a professional. These are just my opinions and they could be wrong.
692303 Thank you.
I MAY have over did the description JUST a tad in a few parts.
I can understand what you mean by the Sad tag part, but I still think it's Tragic regardless if the reader knew the WHOLE backstory.
PS: Your opinion matters and I greatly appreciate it.
This is a great fiction, dude! Seriously! Well written and well described! Honestly, I felt worst for the mare than the stallion. I don't know why, but I just did... Anyways, I hope there would be more to come!
823283 Glad ya enjoyed it so. Knew you'd like it.
Heya! I'm here from the "Useful Feedback" group, where you requested feedback on the general flow of narrative. Solid spelling, grammar, and syntax. I liked the interspersion of dialogue with the actions of the story--that helped provide some nice structure to the story, I felt.
My main suggestion as to a possible area of improvement would be in avoiding "purple prose," as it creates distance between the reader and the events of the story. Given that there's little in the way of plot and characterization here, the main point of a story such as this is to make the reader feel what the protagonist is feeling, to drag us down into hell with him. Shorter sentences, scaled-back use of adjectives and adverbs, relying on strong verbs, etc., can enhance reader immersion in the story, and I think they'd be well-suited literary tools for a story of this nature.
Hope at least some of this is helpful! Write on!
906462 Thanks for the feedback!
I'll take this comment to heart next time I write a story of this nature.
That was...interesting.
Tartarus hath no fury like a mare scorned.