The unicorn Sweetie Belle has just received a pen pal...from the Griffon Kingdom. Not a pony who knows about Griffons, she asks Scootaloo if she can borrow a Daring Do book about that character's affair with the Griffons. It turns out that the book is riddled with a lot of misconceptions and stereotypes, which the new pen pal is not pleased to see in Sweetie Belle's subsequent writings to the Pen Pal. Reading this story will allow you to see how many of these get corrected.
This story's basis lay in DEAR ADIL, an episode of the public television program Arthur, based on Marc Brown's characters. Figuring that the recent MLP:FIM episode THE LOST TREASURE OF GRIFFONSTONE had been similarily filled with cultural stereotypes, I wanted to put together a fanfic that covers some of that ground. I hope you enjoy it!
Aw, man, I remember that episode of Arthur clearly!
6335631 And we hope you remember this story clearly too!
...I don't even know where to begin critiquing this... whatever it is. The chapters are far too short; you can't tell who's talking to whom half the time because you almost never use dialogue tags; you describe almost nothing in terms of where the characters are, what they look like, what they're doing, or what their surroundings look like; and none of it makes a lick of sense.
(And what the hell was that massive authors note in the first chapter all about? That made even less sense than the story, if that's possible...)
6336052 I second that, think about getting an editor,
because it looks like some wasted work here.
The chapters could be way longer if you took some time to describe everything, characters or surroundings...
example:
That's totally not a good way to start.
You could have easily include the third chapter in the second one to make the situation more clear for your readers.
You're just being confusing for nothing, unless your fic is a kind of fic where "you are the hero", the reader shouldn't have to go back to chapter 2 to understand what's going on.
Oh and be a nice guy, when someone is worried about a friend, i don't think advertising your fic on the blog where he seeks advices is a good way to help him, you should go delete the comment .