I used to have a promising job as notary, a wife bethroed long ago. I used to own patrimony of the like of the stewards of Croesus.
It's all gone.
I'm in Hell, waiting for my sins on Earth to be cleansed by snakes biting me all over and the occasional painful visit of Alexander the Daemon piercing me like some kind of canapè. But, after all, I somewhat deserved it, considered what I've done in the past few days preceding my death, which I had passed inside the body of a cartoon colt chracter named Rumble.
This is the tale of how I, Vincenzo Siterio, went from my normal life, to death and fleeting and extremely painful punishment.
"Teen" right now, "Mature" later. Also, sex for sexual references and a twist.
Chapters (1)
What the F--k is this.
seriously i have no idea whats going on. can you tell me whats happening?
also you have the same paragraph twice in the beginning.
6315338
Fixed.
6315357
...ok
still kinda want to know whats going on. are you planning on releasing another chapter soon?
I always like Rumble, and it is interesting to see BiE that possesses him, but I am generally cold at those kind of possession stories. This may have potential, especially with senate/impalement debate system of making his choice of action, but you will haft to work rely hare to make it stand out more and make it interesting. Also, normally I would say the opposed, but your vocabulary that you use is too formal, rigid, and it doesn't feel quit like his toughs are not natural. you would need to use a more popular linguo to make it interesting. Also in the beginning of your chapter you are repeating the same sentence and you should fix that.
6315380
Not exactly. But I can try to tell you what is going on.
So, there's this guy called Vincenzo. Whil he is in the bathroom, he is transpored in Equestria into Rumble's body. Panic, and, in this panic, the most rational part of himself commits suicide, bringing the least mature ones (the Anarchist PArty and the Free Whoes and Hormones Party) to act undisturbed and influence him. They make Vincenzo do some terrible things, detailed in the story, that will then damn him to Hell.
6315382
Too formal? It does not look like so to me.
I already did it.
6315391
OH. ok
that clears things up. A lot. thanks
6315400 Your writing style has always struck me as formal and rigid. It may not be the case if it were written in Italian, but it is in English.
Some issues may relate to idioms and cultural references that don't translate from Italian to English. For example, in English, it is common to represent a person's struggles with a matter of conscience with representations of an angel and a devil. I gather the chorus of political parties might serve the same purpose, but it's not a reference I know.
"I was a young Pegasus colt of a cartoon of my past. I had no idea on how this happened, no idea about what is going on back in my homeland, I have no idea if I will ever go back to enjoy my treasures, my wife and my future anymore. I was completely lost."
I might write that as:
"I was in the body of a pegasus colt from a cartoon I watched long ago. I had no idea how it happened. And what about my home? Did my family think I was missing? I realized that I might never be able to return home. I might never see my family again. I suddenly felt utterly lost."
6315970
Actually, my writing style in Italian is formal and rigid, and I'd dare to say it is even more so.
What the fuck? Oh, *cough*, excuse me. Hmmmmm, oh yes, what the fuck? Oh don't mind me. Continue on with this wacky tale of magical midget horses.