Venom93
Joined 28th Mar, 2012 ·
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This is so sad.
still liked it
Fuck Myrmox.
This is yet another confusing example of bad writing that is written well.
The entire concept of this story is contrived to the very end. You really think that, in a world where assassins exist and the changelings have just reappeared, that celestia would not have ponies keeping an eye on the mane six, and that changelings would not be the first thing they would suspect as assassins?
The second part is the worse one dude. The whole heart failure thing does not work on two levels. Starters, rainbow dash was a healthy equine, and equines immensely rarely have heart conditions like that. And secondly, they would be able to detect the toxins in her body. Celestia would make a fucking point to make sure that foul play was not involved. For personal and kingdom type reasons equally.
The only way this shoulda ended was with myrmix here getting a blade through the heart the moment he lifted the needle, by someone who was there to protect the mane six. You cannot create a scenario like this. Becuase if you create a world where assassination is a thing, you created a world where Celestia has had to deal with assassins her entire life, both after her life and after the lives of those who support her and are important to Equestria. She would have figured out countermeasures and, considering who the mane six are, the best of these countermeasures owuld be there to protect them.
Ultimately its writing cannot disguise these breaking flaws. There is no way they could not detect foul play, one way or another, for various reasons. Not to mention you killed a canon character like that, which as i said, makes the contrivance all the more prominent.
This was a good concept, but as said before the issues are glaring. In the end Myrmox is not a character the reader can feel sorry for because he chose the easiest option and killed the one he "loved" to save his own damn skin. He could have risked his own life and gone to the princesses and gotten Rainbow Dash some real protection. Or tried to explain the situation to her because "do my duty or do what I want" is NOT the same as "do I do my duty even though I know it's wrong". Or he could have fought, probably would have died but he could have bought her time to get help. Hell, if he truly loved her and felt guilty for his actions he should have turned the needle on himself.
Instead of him being a victim of circumstance; he comes across as a coward and a villain willing to sacrifice anyone and everyone to save his own neck. And the bastard even gets away scott fucking free!
6134811
Well, this story is called no heart for an assasin.
I don't like that either, but, whatever.
6134811 Yeah, fuck Myrmox.
6134547 Summary:
Why didn't anyone keep a closer eye on the mane 6?
Why didn't anyone keep a closer eye on Myrmox(Fuck that guy)?
Why is pony autopsy and detective skills shit?
Look at the unabridged version for further details.
6134903
In hindsight, I do now realize I should have looked around for an editor before publishing. I 'll keep that in mind for my next one.
6134890 ...... i really suck at summing up my opinion, don't i?
6134811
It isn't so much that he wanted to, more that he was afraid of what they might do to her if he doesn't. He knows that in the end, he betrayed her and in a way, himself by doing so. I'm not trying to say that he is an actual victim, merely trying to say what was going on in his head.
That being said , I see your point and will keep it in mind. I do now see that Myrmox is himself more of a villain than anything else.
Why does it have to end like that so sad i'm crying right a little but good story good job
6135022 Yeah, fuck Myrmox
6134953 It's fine, I would never have noticed what was wrong if you didn't point it out. I still like this story though.
6135022 All i can say is that he wouldn't get away with this. He would have been suspected from the beginning, if only to be safe. And he would be exposed.
6136194 I simply can't. It is definitely a few miles ahead of many stories, but it is still a greatly flawed concept.
6136296 Cool.
6136296 SO the concept is what others don't like. I can live with that.
All that aside though, what would you say about the rest of the fic? Not about threat and what he ends up doing, but rather the other segments where he simply interacts with others.
Meaning, if this was instead a simple slice of life about him trying to live in Equestria, would the writing and character interaction be able to carry it? That right there is what I am interested in hearing.
What I would like to ask anyone reading this is this,
Concept and ending aside, how did the other parts hold up?
Does Myrmox stand out as an actual character?
Are his thoughts and actions readable?
Do the scenes feel like they actually happen rather than feeling forced?
Are the *big exhale* clop scenes at least somewhat decent?
This is the type of input that I would like to hear. Not just about how it fails, but if it actually stands on any good parts. I'm pretty much asking you guys to help me learn from this so I can improve.
6136655 those were pretty decent.
6135022 Okay, I've had 24 hours to step away, got a couple ciders in me, and had a good day at work (aka a friday). So now I'm ready to give my thoughts in a more constructive manner.
Oh, and just let me say that this is all just my opinion and I may be wrong.
1. Concept - as stated last night. I liked the idea. Changling gets orders to get close to an element, then is told to kill her. I actually understand this idea at it seems reasonable. The queen can get revenge on equestria and the changling deserters all at the same time. The assassin wasn't told this part of the plan to make his job a bit easier.
2. Character - Myrmox showed character, but I don't think it was the type of character you wanted. You had Myrmox say he loved RD and go through a few of the motions. Easily biggest problem with Myrmox's character is that we didn't see him really try to save Rainbow Dash.
"This was, by far, the longest week Myrmox had ever experienced." (CH. 4) This was where you could have saved it. You should have shown that week, let the readers see him try to save RD; to talk to her; to do something. Instead we see him waste 7 day before asking RD about his situation, in a way that as I previously stated painted a rather poor picture of the situation. Instead, his actions, that the reader saw, painted him as a coward. He didn't try to fight, or out think his opponent, or run. He just asked RD to justify her own murder and then fucked and killed her.
3. Clop - meh, it was there. I didn't feel it added anything or took it away.
I hope this is more helpful to you.
6138695
1. I was planning to say this eventually, but there were other reasons why he was chosen. If you pay attention, you learn that some of his own family, his two surviving sisters, are themselves deserters and so they were looking to see whether or not he could still be trusted. So this mission was suppose to both get revenge for the failed invasion and to be a sort of ultimatum on whether or not he was still useful. Still, I kept that from the audience, so it's really just a moot point.
2. True, I feel that I should have given more thought into the third and fourth chapters. I won't lie, I did actually enjoy writing out Myrmox and do consider him an OC of mine , but I could have definitely done a better job at portraying him. One the reason I tried to throw out why he ended up killing her was due to his fear of what they may do not just to her, but also to those around him, torture and the like, but that didn't work out as well as I hoped. I also wasn't following the "Show Don't tell " rule as much as I could have.
Perhaps I could have made the story work better the way it ended by drawing it out more, spending more time with what would happen if he does and what if he doesn't, showing his turmoil, and have him actually seeking out help, or maybe not and I would have to change the second half drastically.
3. Yeah, I don't ever expect to be a great clop writer. I don't wanted to be terrible or anything, but I doubt I'll ever be nearly as good as someone such as Crowley or JaydexTheShadowKnight .
I am very tempted to go back and rewrite the story and fix everything make it as good as I wanted it. I could, but I'm not sure if I should or not I'm already planning out my next story and would be suffering setbacks. Perhaps when I am more experienced, I'll consider fixing it.
6138901 I'd say write a few new stories before returning to this - give it 6 months to a year. It could make for a good metric, see where you started and gauge your improvement.
I will say. I wouldn't have even commented if I thought the story was just stupid/bad. You can't fix stupid. No, it's just flawed, and it seems like you've realized this. So now I'm hoping you continue writing and continue improving.
My question is, What happens next?
Where does Myr go, what does he end up doing with the rest of his broken life? Such a terrible thing and what happens when his Nightmares give him away? And Twilight caught the flowers, but she was grief stricken, what happens when she stops to actually think about them (he was suppose to be friends with the flower-sisters)? Is his duty done, or does he have to try again with another Element?
If (and I understand that this is up to the author) there is a sequel, there is going to need to be penitence, and a LOT of it or Myr just becomes a soulless machine.
And of course there is the whole, Scootaloo figures something out and starts to hunt him down, angle.
6164398
I do have some ideas about what would happen to Myrmox afterwards, but the only thing I can say for certain is that he undoubtedly goes through a severe depression, which could lead to nightmares , but it is difficult to say whether or not Luna could find out that way. She could, but I can't fully say whether or not she goes into the dreams of non-ponies. It's possible, but I can't say for sure yet.
As far a sequel is concerned, it is still up in the air. I would definitely like to use Myrmox again, but I'm not sure if and how. He could a protagonist, villain, side character or even just a cameo, it's up in the air. If this does happen though, I can guarantee that he will be suffering somehow. I could just say he commits suicide, but that just throws away a lot of possibilities.
I will go ahead and say that I do plan on eventually making some revisions to the story eventually. Change it drastically? No, but fix errors and try to actually try too show Myr actually making an effort to seek help. I will also try to go into detail as what why they actually made him do this in the first place. The stuff with Scootaloo was mostly just for more interaction, but it will have actual merit when revisions come. He does actually care for Scootaloo and if she does come after him in a follow up story, it make for an interesting lose-lose situation for him.
To sum it up, I would like to do more with him, but I'm not sure if I will and how I will. Besides I already have a few stories lined up.
6164957 To be perfectly honest, as depressing as the story is, I think it is fairly well written.
As far as what happens to Myr, you say you have more stories lined up? Well if they're not directly about him, but could benefit from a changeling assassin cameo who is trying to right the greatest wrong he could ever commit, have at it. Cause if he really does feel remorse for killing Rainbow, I don't see him turning into a villain. Anti-hero, maybe, but not pure villain.
And as far as an actual sequel is concerned, ALL MY BEGGING. The character of Myr would need closure and just wandering off into the sunset really leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
And the part about Scootaloo, that was just a parting thought on my part. I think she could make a very interesting shinobi, and if she learns that her hero was murdered, well, she's going to want to know why before she just kills Myr. And If he is 'stalliony' enough not to take the easy way out, putting someones suffering to an end isn't really killing them, is it.
He just had to get laid one more time didn't he.
Wow... Just, wow....
Venom93 I see everything you have done here and the feels are unbearable!
That choice thing...
Wow... Just, wow....
Earned you a fave
I read this the second time now, but it still made me cry and i still loved it. You did a great job on this