Scootaloo wants to be just like Rainbow Dash, and barring that, to be like every other pony. She's ashamed of her true nature, the one she must hide from everypony or be hated and cast out, or worse. She doesn't know what she is, only that she can't eat the same way other ponies do, and she has to keep the terrible consequences when she feeds too much always hidden and never seen. But when a pony begins to truly care about her well-being, Scootaloo finds out that being loved makes it harder to keep a secret than when nopony cares about you at all.
Chapters (23)
I'm not sure what I've just read… but I think I'm intrigued.
My reaction to this. Still gonna track though.
The story description kind of reminds me of a mash up between two stories. Those two stories being: Forever a Changeling, and Scootaling.
Oh... so she's a hybrid.
This story is really strange.
this is okay but dash seems to innocent for her age
5447086
I was more shooting for unobservant than innocent. Is it the orphan thing? I don't think it's unreasonable that she wouldn't have thought about it before. I mean, lots of adults in real life haven't given it half a thought. Plus ponies don't have television networks to teach them what they should worry about.
5445826
links?
5447165
Sorry about that. I also made my decision about whether or not the plot of those two stories were like the plot of this story based on the description of the story. 
Sorry about that as well. Now I realize that this is not a Scootaloo is a changeling fiction. This is...This is something much, much more hilarious than that, actually. So, disregard the previous comment that I made and this comment.
Sure thing! The links are provided in the words Sure and thing of the previous sentence of this comment. I realize the plots of these two stories aren't similar to this one, but when I made the first comment, I was just waking up for the day.
Need to show a signal of a change of scene and Rainbow feels just too ignorant on these issues then she should
5448778
I always struggle with signaling scene changes. It's just so tempting to try to portray the characters just sitting around having tea and talking normally when suddenly
THE ENGINE IS COMING LOOSE WE NEED TO SAVE THE SKY STRIDER CUT THE MOORINGS QUICK OR WE'RE MANTHA FOOD!
I'll try to add in some clearer transitions, sometime.
Comedy and Tragedy Tags?
5450267
Direct from Athens to your door!
5453348 So.. Your telling me that the people of Athens have issue's with contradiction?
5453775
No, my telling is making a reference to the comedy/tragedy thing they established in ancient Greece.
1) This desperately needs scene breaks. That totally destroys what little immersion you get after point two.
2) Why does everypony keep treating Rainbow Dash like an idiot when they are the ones being stupid?
5456057
When did any pony treat her like an idiot? Was it when she introduced herself as "Hey, how can I adopt Scootaloo?" Or maybe when she needed to hide under the bed to handle a scary story? Or when her solution to orphaning was for ponies to just not have kids? Maybe when she claimed to know the meaning of 'tautology' without even knowing how to say it?
and 1) yeah yeah I'm working on it. Suggestions as to what a good scene transition would be like are welcome.
5456907 I didn't say transition I said break. Your chapters are all one big jumbled scene. Double spacing doesn't show that the scene is changing if you double space all the paragraphs. If you are going to double space the paragraphs instead of indenting then you need to use something else to show transition... like the [ h r ] formatting tag. Like I'm about to do to separate this from the Rainbow Dash reply.
How about when they acted like she was an idiot for not accepting their 'The mares got pregnant intending to dump their foals at the orphanage all along!' line as a valid defense? Because 'It's premeditated abandonment' is not in fact a valid defense.
Paper Heart: "You can't even think of the possibility of harming children? You find allowing children to come to harm inconceivable? Then you clearly aren't qualified to not harm children! I refuse to allow you to fill out paperwork until you read this book on how to harm children!"
5457317
Oh right, those <hr> things. I hate those things. Necessary evil I suppose.
I wasn't trying to make that sound like a valid defense, just an uh, unfortunate consequence that people don't like to think about. I could try to make it clearer that it's only that they don't use birth control, because they have an urge to get pregnant, and are just too stupid to consider that that's going to lead to abandoning a foal and not blissful reenactment of one's childhood. It's not actually supposed to imply anyone's got some kind of orphanage fetish. Though is that really so out of line? Considering that in the real world the primary reason for orphaned children is abusive parents, then well funded deliberate misinformation campaigns about sex and pregnancy, and finally rape victims who won't or can't get an abortion, I think the crime of having a child with the intention of filling up orphanages isn't all that terrible in retrospect. I could totally put a positive spin on it. Maybe I'll add something about that later.
As for Paper Heart she's just a conceited jerk, with a lot of issues from her own childhood. I could add something about how she hopes that her shock treatment will scare bad parents away from adopting, and how reluctant she is to trust anyone to be a good parent. I didn't really want to get into her internal motivations too much though. Less room for Scootaloo shenanigans then.
Hopefully that'll be a less confusing cover art...
This is really good. A bit weird, but really good.
Don't forget to mention the Whole comic to the Picture^^
http://doublewbrothers.deviantart.com/art/Scootaloo-s-present-502265626
Professional calm reaction: You have an interesting concept for a story. I'll give you that. But what you have is also a jumbled mess of a story. Consider using something to mark between scenes such has a ~~ or a [==] mark. Your written transitions are simply nonexistent. It leads o confusion in the reader.
Fanfic reader reaction: I like the base idea, the story is engaging if a bit bumpy.
In character as my OC reaction: For the fucking love of kar'taylir darasuum! WE ARE NOT BUGS! To be an insect, an organism must have six jointed legs, at least one pare of antennae, compound eyes, and an exoskeleton. WE ONLY HAVE FOUR LEGS! We are not insects, we are our own branch of the arthropod phylum, or to speak on your intelligence level we are RELATED to bugs, also spiders, scorpions, ticks, and basically anything with an exoskeleton.... But get your science right or I will eat your Celestia damned soul! That's right, even though it tastes like burnt sponge cake. Oh an by the way we can eat pony food, were shape changers, we can digest anything. We just get no nutrients from it and subsist purely of psionic energy from positive emotions like a civilized species should!
5503270
...
What does any of that have to do with this story about Scootaloo being a pony-form parasprite? This story that has not even once mentioned insects or 'bugs'?
This story is so very what.
*upvotes*
5503547 Reaction to an author's note and pinkie calling 'lings bugs.
5505168 Ahh, I see. Don't think I've ever seen someone wait until a later chapter to reference a specific incident that wasn't relevant to that chapter. That rant would have made much more sense in that chapter's comments... since anyone who started this story back then probably won't remember such a small tangential remark weeks later. After two weeks I certainly didn't remember more than 'Changeling! Not Changeling? Kill us all!!" from Pinkie's rant, since that was all that was relevant to the story as opposed to the general randomness of Pinkie that everyone just ignores. Personally when people reply to my comments on non current chapters I try to always remember to open that chapter before replying so that the comments are all in context.
5505345 Eh fair point. Still it was like 4 am for me when I posted.
That was pretty messed up. I'm not sure what to think.
I see this going 3 paths.
1. Twilight Light Keeps Scoots and Archer in the basement, studying them in the grim-dark fashion of rainbow factory.
2. Twilight Let's them go, but Pinkie Brings an mob and murder them.,twilight,and RD.
3. Scootaloo Finds a way to kill herself and her "Bloodline" and she does so.
5506059
But how can scootaloo an hero once there's only one left?
5503270
Thanks for the review! I really would like to work on my "simply nonexistent" transitions instead of just stuffing a horizontal rule in there, but I sympathize with it being hard to read as-is.
Pinkie would like me to state for the record that not all universes need to have the same continuity, and also that a cake for bugs does not necessarily imply that all who like it are bugs.
5505345
5513080 Oh I did not mean at all for you to simply substitute a mark for a scene transition on a permanent basis! I simply meant as a place holder until you get the practice in. I'm willing to grant further assistance, AUTHOR MODE ACTIVATE!
In chapter one you go from RD at the adoption agency to Twi's library like this:
That is an ok transition. You ahve made the reader aware that the location has changed and events have occurred. Howeaver it is a bit wordy. I would trim it into segments to read like:
A shadow seemed to creep over Paper Heart’s features as she darkly said, “Spare her no details.”
After some protesting Twilight managed to convince Rainbow to accompany her to the library. It took some time to find the relevant books, and even more time to read them to her. By the end of Twilight's impromptu history lecture Rainbow was hiding underneath the oak wood reading desk on the first floor, horrified at what she had been told.
It reads a little less clunky and bridges the time a bit better. At least IMO. Howeaver your normal scene changes are like this one, also in the first chapter.
This would be perfectly acceptable as a chapter break. But for a scene transition it is non-existent. You jump from Paper Heart and co-worker directly to Scoots and RD in some place where you can get food. While this works in film or on TV, it docent work in written works. On TV you have the benefit of seeing everything change, we would see the adoption office become what I assume is the Hay Burger. But in a written work... We do not have that advantage. If you want these two scenes to be a art of the same chapter you need to cue the reader in that something has changed. I would use something like:
There was another college beneath that one in chronological order of course. But that would mean Rainbow Dash had entered college at age 17 at least! Paper looked beneath, and promptly spat out, “The Wonderbolts Academy?!”
Meanwhile across town at the Hay Burger, Rainbow Dash was sure of one thing, that in promising Scootaloo flying lessons she’d gotten herself way over her head. That orphanage might have looked like a decent place, but there was no way they were feeding this kid enough. Certainly not to sustain a high intensity workout!
See? With that little bit of extra text you tell the reader that the scene has changed and ease them into the new events. When I red this I assumed that RD and Scoots were in the office with Paper drinking shakes. It was weird. Then I realized that the scene had changed after I re-read the section to see if I missed a paragraph.
AUTHOR MODE DEACTIVATE!
Oh, and tell Pinkie I'm sorry. The dietary habits of members of the arthropod phylum are indeed fairly universal and I forgot most people call centipedes and scorpions bugs even though they are not and thus the word has changed meaning. I'll give her the recipe for apple struddle pie crust my landlord back in Germany gave me as an apology.
5513345
I kind of wanted to go straight from the "Spare her no details" phrase to Rainbow Dash hiding under the desk, but I couldn't figure how to do that without a montage in between. So I just made a snarky joke about montages in general. Maybe I should make the scene of Twilight preparing to exposit in more detail, then just repeat said phrase out of context to black out the moment between the explanation, which I really don't want to write because it is a seriously horrifying story jesus fuck, and Rainbow Dash hiding under the desk. It still seems to rob tension from Paper Heart's phrase though, turning aside to go into detail about all the boring stuff between that and its reaction. I sort of want to have Rainbow Dash immediately in the future hiding under the desk, and then explain how the heck things got that way sort of like zooming out.
That Hay Burger scene is absolutely terrible though, you're right. Not even the transition but you can't even tell what kind of building they're in or what's going on around them, just passing milkshakes between each other in a sort of undefined milkshake limbo. I just need to describe stuff way better about that, and decide on where they are more definitively than just the place with the thing.
(Pinkie: Germany is a myth...
)
5515000 I would recommend as just a sort of thing you do when you write, to give yourself about an hour once you finish writing then going back and reading what you did before doing a few tweaks :3
5513015
wat?
I think I'm just as confused as Rainbow Dash, yet the story is still very interesting...
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I really like this story,its going in my top ten.
5515027
Oh, I go over every chapter like 3 times, don't worry, like twice right before publishing. More if you count edits after publishing. I guess that means they should be better than they are. Oh well.
I think this story has gotten me into the roof, feelings mixed with one another, now that's the reason I fave this
The funny thing is, when will Twilight know that Scoots is a mutated, highly evolved parasprite
Her ability to eat and reproduction method DO in fact very much remind me of Parasprites. So, at this point in time I can only assume that the scootaloo collective is in fact the oldest "in pure age" known surviving parasprite. In other words, if they live long enough enough destroying their environment (because those things are in fact VERY counter-survival), this is what they become. Prove me wrong...or right :-)
5540090
I'm pretty certain I'll be able to do that.
5539434
I'm trying my best to conjure up contrived circumstances to keep Twilight from putting 2 and 2 together, but she's a smart one so I don't know how much longer I can hold out!
Oh my god. Pinkie Pie's Parasprite Polka theme.
By the way, how do ages work here? I haven't seen it used anywhere else and frankly it's getting really confusing not knowing how they measure their years and lifespans when they say that 10 is a weird age for a filly...
With those "Marching Band" on the next chapter, I think I know where it will be going now
Ohhhhhhh yeahhhh
ohhhhh! Scootaloo is an advance form of a parasprite. Like what a parasprite coughed up after eating a pony.
5567443
The abacus is the biggest clue there.
Now I Kinda want to know how this play out? Because I think Scoots and Archer, have the mind to not start marching, But Licky on the other hoof.....yeah....
5567578
I'm really iffy on that theory, I mean, first there's the whole disproportionate size (a very young filly, maybe, but not a grown pony) and then parasprites are always seen replicating other parasprites no matter what they eat.
A more plausible theory is some immoral unicorn turning a parasprite into a pony-like critter because wizards are always screwing around with the laws of nature-- they're bored and have nothing better to do. Where do you think most of the monsters came from in the D&D Monster Manuals? Heh.
Now, that said, I'm worried ponies have it in their heads that Scootaloo and the rest of the gang might try to "eat" somepony and get a violent mob gathered. While Scoots/Archer/Licky can probably cram a filly inside (or part of an adult) I seriously doubt they will, primarily for that very reason of an angry mob with pitchforks and torches... out for revenge and blood. Also, didn't Twilight zap the parasprites into not eating food but instead turning to eating anything but food (wood, dirt, ect)? I wonder if she might change the pseudo-fillies with magic like that...?
5578843 yes because every parasite travels in one big group l. All of them.
The parasprites always Ate their fill. Plus pinkie pies reaction is the same. The rest is just licence.
*slightly cringing* poor Pinkie is acting like a witch-hunter...
and then Pinkie had a semi heroic BSOD mixed in with a "my god what have i done" moment.
...good...