Slender Mane

It's been months since the disappearances started, at first it was fillies and colts, but then mares and stallions started to disappear as well. Shot Lock, a detective for canterlot was sent to investigate these strange disappearances, but he could only find one thing in common, the everfree forest.

He goes and gathers up a search team, can they solve this mystery, or is it all a lost cause?

Chapters (3)

Pilot episode: The begining · 1st Jun 2015 · 1,190 words
1,190
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S:1 Ep:2: More clues · 1st Jun 2015 · 823 words
823
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S:1 Ep:3: New plans · 26th Aug 2015 · 461 words
461
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Comments ( 25 )

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Vanilla_Foxx

Vanilla_Foxx #1 · Jun 8th, 2015 · · · Pilot episode: The begining ·

"And I'm Carrot Cake: Said the stallion.

Replace : with " and also add a period at the end of the sentence.

"Hello l'm detective lock, and I am here to solve these mysterious disappearances"

Add a period.

"Sure thing, now what do they look like" Shot Lock asked.

Add a question mark at the end.

Wow I've noticed there is no punctuation at the end of dialogue sentences. You may need to fix that.

"Yes, you see" Carrot Cake started, but Shot interrupted him. He looked around for clues.

When a piece of dialogue is interrupted or paused, you need to a hyphen of dash ( - ). So yeah add that where Carrot Cakes sentence was cut off.

he eventually spotted a yellow pegasus, and walked over to them.

I just feel like "them" doesn't work in this sentence. Them is usually used for more than one pony. Maybe you should see if there is any better word you can use here.

"And I can't let you get yourself killed, if you're truly going to save them you'e going to need backup"

you're*

"True, Sentinel, do you have the lanterns"

Since when did Shot learn his name? Also add a question mark.

The note was strange, it had a crudely drawn slender pony wearing a black suit that had a red tie, and the drawing had no face, in weirdly drawn letters said, no eyes always watches

The part I colored red should be in quotation marks or in a different font (example: Bold, italic).
Also "and" before "in weirdly drawn letters" .

[Over all review: I feel the pacing is a little fast and you leave some plot holes that could easily be filled, for example, adding a few lines of dialog (with punctuation XD) where Lock and Sentinel learn each others names. I'm never TOO nick picky on first chapters, however, because some things that leave plot holes get answered later, and I don't have any idea what ideas you have in mind, so if you purposely had it this way that's okay. And always put periods or proper punctuation at the end of dialog, please. Overall this chapter sounds like it would suck me in. Not really, I'm speaking in terms of which if I WERE into horror and dark stories. No offense.

Lightning Crystal