- Member Since 31st Mar, 2015
- offline last seen Mar 31st, 2020
KazeRinShin
Truth: The lie we chose to believe. -Someone I donk know and an observasion on human history
KazeRinShin
Joined 31st Mar, 2015 ·
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Well... it's FILLED with all KINDS of errors, but, this statement urks me the most.
fixed: "As my final lesson to you before you take my title, you (no idea) weapon (no idea) never point, your edge," The mentor let out a (descriptive words*) cough"Lest you point it at evil"
*Descriptive words being, strained, hacking, wheezing, hearty, pained, etc
Overall, I still like it, it's a neat concept. But, Luna's banishment. I see you're going with Tyrantlestia...
my recommendation, obtain a proofreader, or at least SOMEONE to assist you in catching at least the most jarring errors.
oh, I also found the quip by Luna's thoughts should most likely be changed to: Surely she would see reason when faced with the deaths of all our subjects on the line.
It is really personal preference though. Personally I find Italics more pleasing to the eye, some may say otherwise, like I said, it's my opinion.
ah, nearly forgot. it certainly seems like this is Luna's initial banishment, if so, she'd be speaking old timey, so, like...
"WHAT IS THINE NAME?" :P
seriously, there are way, way, way too many errors
5968635
Thanks for the criticism Nan Okami.
I took your advice and changed the master death speech so its more understandable.
Also thanks for pointing out Luna's speech I hadn't seen it at all.
Finally I am sort of doing this on a whim. I sort of just got the idea on the ninth and started writing.
Since this is my first time doing something like this and I have no idea on how to get a proof reader I will be relaying on the comments for errors.
Oh and I am mostly writing this in hopes that someone would write a similar story or something.
Celestia doesn't think of herself as a tyrant which is part of the reason Luna tried to corner her into choosing between giving up her power or their subjects dyeing. The other was that she was her sister and she loves her.(Not incest thou)
Man am I tired of the "Luna was really banished for standing up for her subjects and Celestia was the actual evil one" stories. I think this would be a better story if the beginning was still cannon, but Nightmare Moon summoned and bound Josh and the aftermath of her defeat. He would still be bound to Luna because she and the Nightmare shared the same life force at the time.
Not trying to say that your story is bad author, I'm just saying that I don't like the over used prompt stated above.
media.giphy.com/media/fOIBiM2du5ogE/giphy.gif
5977083
That might be interesting but in my story Nightmare Moon is just propaganda Celestia spread so her subjects don't fear her and Luna then used it as a way to get back into power. So I don't see how that would work for my story.
Both Celestia and Luna are Evil if you stop to think about it. Its just that the story follows Luna as one of the main characters.
Celestia is EVIL because she wants absolute control over her subjects.
Celestia is also GOOD because she believes that only by having such control can she ensure happiness for her subjects.
Celestia belives that every pony is EVIL until proven otherwise and takes it upon herself to protect her ponies from themselves .
Luna is GOOD because she wants to free her subjects and allow them to live without any royal control telling them what to do.
Luna is EVIL because she wants to do away all rules and just let her ponies to rule themselves.
Luna believes that every pony is GOOD and constraining them with rules only serves to stop them from reaching their full potential]
As for the bond its merely a way to prevent Josh from just going all ghost recon and killing any and all who wish to control or imprison him.
Celestia and Luna still have the power to control him with magic but don't because they have morals. Screwed up extreme morals but morals none the less.
I'm thinking about a tennis racket.
I hope he wins.
5980488
k 1 tennis racket coming up
There can still be more weapon suggestions.
Weapon Selector
Will edit this comment when that's no longer the case.
Edit: joeyjumper94 =
The need for weapon selection might have diminished but feel free to give any suggestions on anything in the latest chapter.
{would offer anywhere but I don't have the time or memory to write a multiverse fiction with time travel.}
Ugh.
Get an editor/prereader.
Wall of text. Have a few commas, BTW, use them: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"signafi" ?
"Celestia would never listen to her sisters" - Luna, Luna Primo and Luna Secundo?
Some tense's mismatches (present/past - stick to past tense)
{Get rid of this crap}
Missing spaces, periods, capitalization.
etc.
tl;dr As it stands now: Nope
5981950
Well thanks for being honest
The wall of text gets better with each chapter or at least I try to make it less
Also this is sort of the prologue you know setting up the pieces before you could play the game. And each piece needs a reason to move.
sister's
Hope I can make it readable at some point
More please
5982265
{Otherwise I might be tempted to have a unicorn break the rules and get Josh Rovers/Night Shadow hospitalized or something along those lines}
Fighting or story because I could probably get a maximum of 2 semi decent fights from this challenge before the royal guard begins surrendering as soon as the match starts. The comments did decide that he would win.
And after this challenge it will be like 5-8 chapters of relationship and rebuilding of trust before spoiler and spoiler spoiler and then he can fight again.
I sorta got this but thx for clarifying
I'm sure other people are more grateful that you explained, me personally, I appreciate the gesture. I'm sure others do too
5982333 both sound good. Maybe both? Like, on the final fight, a unicorn gets really angry and uses his magic to almost kill him?
5982955
"IMAGINATION"
but I thought it might anger some people if I didn't do this. Next actual chapter should be coming in a few hours.
Had abunch of tings to actually do today.
Y I know (hope) that some of my readers have:
5983464
Will try to get as much fighting out of this as I can from this challenge then thanks for the input
5983755 nope. Thanks for the story!
5983464
Guess he will be going to the hospital I sort of wanted to force him and Luna to read up on their Equish.
Probably wont be in a fight thou sort of want the guard to fear him in case spoilrrer happens and them knowing that he is powerless against magic sort of destroys that when around 1/3 of the guard is unicors
the second petitioner looks like a pony version of the Tf2 Engineer.
"My name is Dell Conagher and I heard about the guy who used a tennis racket" the pony says while pulling out a monkey wrench "I challenge you to use this wrench"
5985539
Well joeyjumper94 I guess you are our official weapon selector 
1 monkey wrench for 1 mister Night Shadow coming up in the next chapter
P.S.: The engineer is a spy
Poor luna she has to deal with Blue Blood.
I pity her.
5985563 SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!
5985892
She doesn't really have to Celestia didn't really do anything with Fiery Blood. Doesn't mean Luna wont try and find out what her sister did. With Celestia overreacting as she does can you blame her?
5985897
I am afraid it is he earned the title by providing the only 2 weapon sugestions
(Pinkie is not a valid option because she's a spy too
5986042 yes I ment the engi
The grammar is shit, but the story is interesting.
5986210
Sorry about that first story and I have no idea how to get a proof reader or something like that.
I do believe it gets better with chapters thou
Dood, lurn inglish.
5986231
Auto correct and poor English but mostly auto correct.
Well maybe 50|50
Hehehe. Poor ponies. They are doomed!
5986912
Pretty much their thought. Well that and "Why has Celestia abandoned us?"
5987019 i look forward to seeing what happens in this situation.
consequence, not consecuence
Disgusts, not Discusts
also who is Cricilliss? did you mean Chrysalis?
5988616
Thank you for pointing it out fixed now
Have a moustache
Also did I do the monkey wrench justice?
Weapon Selector
5988639
Indeed you did
Chrisilis the rapist. Hehehe.
more please.
5990305
Does that surprise you?
She is basically a zombie without the blood from a pony perspective and needs "Love" to survive. A bit of training to love her might be needed or magic because MAGIC. Not to mention she lives in a desert land where almost noting lives.( Great real estate sale on who ever sold her the idea.)
Sorry the chapters taking so long but I am trying to figure out Equish and if my calculations are correct I might have made it freaking ridicules to learn when I sort of came up with its basics.
The Negatives:
Firstly the humble comma enhances readability, and I strongly consider that you rewrite this sentence.
An example of this sentence using proper sentence structure.
His mentor swung the chain in his left hand with unimaginable force, drawing the shield from behind him.
I have noticed some spelling errors, these words are incorrectly spelled:
"Thou,"
"Hearth,"
Correct Spelling:
"Though,"
"Heart,"
Here are some useful internet sites to help spelling and vocabulary:
- http://www.thesaurus.com/
- http://dictionary.reference.com/
The positives:
It progresses well, and you have the potential to become a great writer and author. If you need a proofreader, I'll be happy to do it for you. When you start writing another book PM me the book, and I'll read through it for you and tell you the errors I noticed.
~Bronyprophet~
Logic errors are common with names, so you may want to fix this mistake between the names "Josh Rovers" and "John Rovers," unless you're after a comedy relief from luna continually calling him the incorrect name, so he has to continually correct her.
5990919
I was originally wondering between John and Josh and Jason for character names
It is a mistake
Could probably make it into a story element since Luna's enhancement translates intent rather then sound and specific words. But I think I will fix it and just use his real name as a sort of an endearing nickname once Luna starts a relationship with him.
5990933 don't become depressed my friend if you do you will lose the inspiration and joy to write. Everyone makes mistakes. While I proofread your book you may read my first book, but I am no longer editing it, so it's just there for people to read it if they want.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/258884/prophecies-of-a-dragon
5990974
to express my shame at my mistakes I don't get depressed as I know I am doing my best.(even if my best leaves much to be desired still
)
Thank you also I use
Will start reading your story as soon as I finish chapter 21 the inspiration has stuck me about something maybe I will get a few ideas on how to progress the story. Thank you kindly for your concern.
5990990 your welcome.
feeling, not fealing.
sleep, not sleap.
might set off, not might set of.
What if Rarity made a suit and jeans
5992143
Why go for the path most walked when you can see so much more if you just make your own right?
Thank you for the corrections I am fine with suit and jeans but the seamstress or tailor or however they are called is going to be Feather Arts. Already wrote the next chapter going to publish it once its proof read.(Some time tomorrow).
the fun has been doubled
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSHxYdEBnWpAXhRFgFrktDQ42C4rK3Psuzp60R2H4pExmKbTYAO
Thou-->though
though-->thought
Bothers me A bit
gameinformer.com/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-ImageFileViewer/CommunityServer-Discussions-Components-Files-14492/3122.131942077946_2D00_luna_5F00_huzzah_5F00_small.png_2D00_610x0.png the chapters have been doubled