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A new arrival comes to Ponyville at the start of the series and changes it's course; for both better and worse. A fairly thought-up re-imaging of the 2010 series, with a new focus on the fabled Book of Virtue. Rating varies due to suggestive and unexpecting situations, as well as randomness...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Lots of dislikes, and I can see why. For the most part, it almost seems like you're rambling through the story. You've got many jumbled thoughts coming in and it looks like you're doing a whole lot of talking without really saying anything.
I don't want to judge your entire story by just the first chapter, but I have to say that this doesn't make me want to read more. The concept of adding just an extra character or two to the entire series (Which I would assume you'd go episode by episode), isn't very original and makes it hard to keep the attention when we've probably have seen it already and the characters don't actually add anything important to the mix.
Hello! I came here from the Authors Helping Authors group.
This isn't a full review, since I haven't read to the end of your story yet, so I won't expect you to review mine.
I've only read the first chapter, but I like this story so far! It does a great job of taking one back to the very first episode of FiM. Since I'm not a professional author, I can't really pass judgement on your grammar, but I did notice a few typos hanging around. Also, your tense tends to shift from past to present without you noticing and the flow of the story can get confusing at times. But it's clear that you put a substantial amount of effort into this story, which is truly admirable.
I'll admit that after reading the first chapter of this story, I cheated a little bit and took a sneak peak at the last one you published. I have to say, there was a noticeable improvement in the writing! At least, from my perspective anyway.
I noticed that you had quite a few dislikes, but don't lose hope! I'm not entirely sure how much my opinion is worth, but I think you definitely have potential. Also, it's only your first story and there's still time to publish plenty of time to publish others! I can only give you a small piece of advice as a fellow reader: If you don't feel an attachment to your characters and your story, in other words, you're doing this just for the sake of doing it, drop it and move on. However, that's not what I see in this story. If you're truly dedicated to your writing and really want to create a story that grabs people's hearts and makes them fall in love with your characters, then dedicate yourself entirely to your work. Get some advice online from people more qualified than me and then edit your story to the point where it feels as close to perfection as it can possibly be. Tweak it, clean it up and hold onto it with all of your soul. If people don't like it, fine. But it's better than giving up and never knowing what you might have achieved.
If I'm wrong, and writing this story is starting to become a drag, then finish it quickly or cancel it (as an absolute last resort) and start fresh with new dedication and determination. But please, no matter what you do, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR WRITING!
It will probably be a while since I catch up with your story, since I'm swamped with work, but I promise that I will get there, and I'll give you a proper review when I do...if you want one.
Good luck!
5915883 Thank you. That means a lot. Maybe I'll read one of your stories sometime...
Honestly, I'm not sure I can continue reading your story. for The most part, it seems as though everypony treats omni, like literal shit. he Is treated even worse than spike, and that's saying something. I will stick with it until discord is defeated at the very least, but I don't understand how rarity can almost kill him and not a single pony seems to actually care. it's a well written story, I'm not saying that it's not, but after everything that he and his friends have been through, they still don't seem to care about him.
So what is omni's secret
Omni just can't catch a break
Okay, I really need to see omni getting some revenge or something on everypony who's been treating him like crap, especially mach faiz, new moon, and rarity, who've done nothing but treat him like shit since the beginning.
Rainbow Dash is female! Since when did Rainbow Dash change her gender?!