Fluttershy finds a smallish creature crying in the everfree forest. the creature was alone and so fluttershy tries to comfort the creature, she ends up taking the creature home.
OK, honestly i don't like the description of this because i dont want say much of it but it kinda reminds me of a " Revers Dashi "
all you my little dashi (dashie?) fans out there might enjoy what im gonna bring to the table.
HiE
also my first attempt at this sooo, yeah have fun.
will add categories as i go, same with characters
Chapters (3)
ok guys and gals tell me what i need to fix for next chapter and gimmie some ideas or criticism. also if anyone wants to draw, send link or something for a pic for this that'd be great im looking for something on the lines of fluttershy sitting and holding a child with her forelegs and wings.
Haven't read it in depth, but there is a wall of text. Separate it into paragraphs. And be sure to never have more than one different speaker speaking in the same paragraph.
well, aside from some corrections that need to be made, this looks like a good start. Keep it up, follow AAAAAAAB advice.
It's looking pretty good so far, but there are some flaws. For one thing, the amount of detail seems to slowly drop half way though, taking away my attention from the story and making me wonder 'What just happened?' Similarly, the story's grammar also slowly drops from 'pretty dang good' to 'meh' roughly around the same point. For one example, after giving him his name, you ended up forgetting to caps the first letter three to four times. It's a miner nit pick yes, but it one of many that keeps some people from believing your even trying at all. Don't get me wrong it's a great idea, and you pulled it off better then most people could of done. But I can tell you can do much better. Oh well. I'll be looking forward to seeing more in the future. Oh and for a quick laugh, Momma Shy
Colts kind of a dumb name no offense to anyone named Colt
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I love this story! You sir are incredible. Man, such a rare thing to write these days. And you did it perfectly. I would like to see Colt and Momma Shy should spend more time together, but soon meeting the mane six.
Rainbow: You didn't tell us you have a son Fluttershy
Fluttershy: Thats Momma Shy to you Rainbow Dash
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i finished this at about uhm like 1:30 A.M. ish so sorry if the quality went down.
This felt like a wall of text. You should use 'left centered' instead of 'mid centered' text placement, there is a reason for why it's the most used one...
Further more you leave next to no ''breathing space'' for the readers, with how tightly packed the text is. An example on how fix that is set up more paragraphs and new starting lines, like you could set up each of these as their own:
-Waking up
-kid walking
-''feeding''
By separating the text a little more, you leave the reader to digest the information a little easier and they get more of the story.
You might want to have a pre-reader or an editor to go over your story to check for some simple things like grammar or misspelled words.
....as she started to get up off the grown.
The build up is OK though and the starting of the plot is good to build on further, but this chapter seems to me to be just half finished.
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ok, so i fixed some stuff and redid some sentences and yeah so hope its better currently working on chapter 2.
615849 This looks much better. GJ!
Soo did he put his clothes back on or not?
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he did put his clothes on thought i made that clear, guess not sorry.
also he does not currently have shoes... just saying.
One more thing im not very happy with the ending but i'll see how you guys feel about it... gimmie feed back and tell me how i can improve this story for your viewing pleasures.
Edit
I debated whether or not i should let someone edit this or just post it... then i thought "They waited long enough." so... here ya go.
I loved this chapter, however, you do have grammar, punctuation and some spelling errors. Ex: Toon should be Tune and. Cuz is a lazy way to spell, no offence
should be because. You should always make a Capital letter when you make a new sentence. And when it coems to 'I' in most cases it'll always be a capital 'I' for example; I went to the shops. I'm going out tonight.
But since you did rush this for us. I can respect this. I love this story and happy it's back on track. If you need some help editing this, I'll be glad, I'm decent though. Not the best.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
775518 I think it should be called 'Meeting Rainbow Dash'.
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Meeting Rainbow Dash it is
also "Ex: Toon should be Tune and. Cuz is a lazy way to spell, no offence
" made me chuckle in the morning.
which is one of the hardest things to do... just saying.
I'm enjoying this "The Lost One" can wait to read more of this.
i don't know why but i really want to know the kids age
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I need to see where this goes, though I'm having difficulty determining "Colt's" age here. He's old enough to be shy about his pants being removed, and walk easily, but he can't speak at all? Hmmm....
I would recommend getting more proofreaders, especially since there's more than one group whose primary goal is helping (new) writers improve, and especially since it's really hard to catch all of your own mistakes, and more eyes means you're that much more likely to catch the sort of spelling errors that keep recurring in both of these chapters.
FlutterMom is awesome
more maybe or i could just pester you every day
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I was going to answer your question, but then I thought "meh screw it lets start writing again"
Let's see if I can finish another chapter soon.
Completely forgot about this story, nice to see it being updated.
You will need someone to proofread your work.
Where do you want to take it?
Well what MrZJunior said is true, where do you want to take this? Why don't you think back to the start and remember what you want. For example, do you want Colt to be an important figure, being hunted by a group or a key to unlocking a weapon etc. Because we would all like to know how and why Colt is in Equestria, thats something that could be looked into. Building his character through chapters, talking to other ponies, exploring, helping others etc. Will he have a love relationship with a pony when he gets older? will he go to school? Will Colt and Fluttershy be true mother and son? There are so many things you can do, you have to think about this. Go back and think about your character to develop him, relations with characters and is he a major part of the plot. Speaking of plot, what is the story? Is the first few chapters about Colt growing up with Fluttershy and his friends? When he grows up, will he become part of something serious that may risk his life? Create a plot that you think will work.
Good luck with your story and I'm glad to see you return.
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you... are very helpful. everything you said will be taken into consideration while i make my next chapter.
all i need now is a way to start it.
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Honestly I don't know where to go with this, I completely lost my train of thought for this one. Plus I keep getting distracted with other story ideas. Sorry 'bout that
Want some help with this story?
How old is colt?
I would scowl back.
Is this going to continue?