Pinkie Pie is a young filly living with her parents on the rock farm. But even with that small comfort, she was still very much in danger from an opponent most foul.
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- Member Since 3rd Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 2nd, 2017
MelancholyIguana
I started watching this show back in November-ish 2011 and it has been a great support for me so I thought I would give back. Now I hope that I can complete this sentence before I run out of chara-
MelancholyIguana
Joined 3rd Feb, 2015 ·
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Those of a nervous disposition should read anyway. Because I'm lying
Great story! There were a few small punctuation errors, but other than that, a great read :D
5740623 thanks a lot friend
Would it be OK to point them out? A new set of eyes is real help
Are there any other ways you think it could have been improved?
I don't feel like I'm moving forward in terms of story writing
5740653
Well, with some of the dialogue, there should be a period (or a comma, or an exclamation point) after the sentence. For example, when Pinkie says "Nonono", it should really say "Nonono!" Or "Nonono." Or even "Nonono," Pinkie said/screeched/pleaded.
I am working on my first story now (it hasn't been posted yet), so I would love it if you could critique it once it is posted
5740666 I normally come on this website once every couple of days so I may not get to it straight away but if you message me it will grab my attention and I would be more than happy to.
Thanks for commenting so quickly
Oh, and a few more things I forgot to mention...
"Pinkie, get in the bath" her mum repeated again. Frustration no longer in just her voice.
^^for this, you would want a comma after 'bath', and also a comma instead of a period after again. Keep this kind of thing in mind with all dialogue
Lastly, you mentioned that Pinkie hadn't started school yet, but later said that one of her enemies was homework. :)
5740679 oh yeah. I'll change it. Cheers mate, you're good at this
Punctuation problem right in the title: "Pinkies Greatest Foe" should be "Pinkie's Greatest Foe", with an apostrophe.
5740690 cheers bud
It's a cute slice-of-life story. I give it an up-vote. I must say, though, that the 'Dark' tag doesn't really belong. It's not accurate at all.
Well, I have to say, that was a really cute story. When I saw this at first, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, which made the reveal of what was actually happening even better. It was well paced, funny, interesting, and just a nice read overall.
However, two things prevent me from faving this: first off, the tags. Yes, I get why you chose to add the dark tag, but let's be honest: we both know that it doesn't belong here. I'm not saying it should be eliminated entirely, but there should, at the very least, be a slice of life tag on here as well, mainly because that's what this story is: a slice of life. However, the main reason why this falls short of my faves list is because of the grammar. While it's far from the worst I've ever seen, it still has errors aplenty.
Examples:
In this case, part would be a better choice of words then either.
Umm... what? What does this sentence mean?
Missing apostrophe.
Wax should be was, and creature's is the correct grammar.
However, despite these and some other grammatical issues, this is still worth a like out of me. Good going. (not sure if this is the story you wanted me to look at or not, but there's my opinion. Cheers
)
5741500 thanks a lot for the comment. I wrote this on a tablet so it likes to throw a few curve balls on top of my own spelling mistakes. Thanks for the advice, I guess I really need to up my ga!e in terms of grammar.
I'll sort out the issues now
5740815 the thing was I wanted to make readers think it was a horror story before the twist
5741918 I expected that was the reason, but the tags really aren't the place to do that kind of misdirection.
I know. And to be honest, it did make it funnier. However, at the same time, what if a reader came here because they wanted to read a horror story? Answer: they'd most likely have some serious disdain towards you for flat out lying about your story's genre. It's best not to play with your audience's expectations on the genre tags. Glad to see you took the critiques well, though! (by the by, I came here due to your comments in The Helpful Comment Trade group. It was clear you wanted some critical judgment, but I wasn't sure which story you wanted it on. Was this the story you wanted an opinion on, or was it one of the others? I ask as a reviewer for the group. Cheers
)
5744317 ok, I will consider that next tim. I merely wanted to keep up the appearance at the start if you catch my drift
1)In light of the criticism I have had from this story, I see it as tough love in some aspects. I want to improve and asking for help is how to do that. By shunning that help it would be highly disrespectful, especially if the reviewer was placing down clear and completely relevant points (as you have done). So thank you very much for that.
Again, I do feel embarrassed about the many grammatical errors in this piece but I guess I will just have to be more carefull with typing on a hudl and be more stricked with checking.
2) I didn't mind which story it was, I just wanted to know if the ideas put forth in the story were interesting, if the characters were both true to the originals and still likeable. I also wanted to know where I could improve my writing style
Thanks for addressing these. If you want me to review a story then ask back
5744317 basically, thanks
5743137 OK, i just thought it was a good idea to play along with the intro to the story. However, as an inexperienced writer (this being the 4th story I have done...I think
)) I am more than happy to change it.
Thanks for the help
5745164
I get the drift. And honestly, the story itself did that well enough on its own, starting off with the dark imagery on its own was enough to get the desired effect across, even without the misdirection from the tags.
If only everyone on the site was like that... And you are quite welcome for the review.
Answers: Yes, Yes, and improve on your grammar.
Intriguing suggestion... Sure, why not?
How about this one?
This was one of my earliest efforts, but I still think it holds up as a decent slice of life story, despite having a couple problems within it, I'm sure. Also, it's my least viewed story by a fair margin, which is kind of sad, since it's actually my 2nd favorite story I've written thus far. Let me know what you think, would ya? Thanks!
Cheers
Charles Spratt
5745342 OK, I will read it tonight and give you my opinion. Do you want me to be blunt or sugar coat it a bit
5745384
Here's my rules:
1: Say it is amazing
2: Disregard rule #1
3: As long as you don't insult me personally, and explain how it could be improved, when possible, I'm fine with bluntness. Just be constructive, as opposed to destructive. That's all I ask. Cheers
5745393 you should have no worries there. If I say anything cutting I will feel bad about it. I read the description and I'm liking it so far. So that's positive
Finished your helpful comment group review thingy. It's here, if ever.
5765213 thanks for the review. I'm sorry it live up to greater expectations.
5765213 as a request, could you point me towards better comedies if my ability of writing comedy needs improving.
5769237 Good comedies? I'll be honest, they're rare. Only one comedy really met my expectations in the submissions folder, and it was hardly the greatese example of the genre.
I think I have one, though. I confess, I mostly liked it because it was AppleDashy, but if you're okay looking past that, this might help. I think a lot of this guy's stuff is genuinely funny, and plays with the written medium quite well too, building his jokes up and stuff and doing most of the stuff I mentioned. I don't know if he's the best out there, but at the very least, I liked it.
So. Freaking. CUTE!!!!! I love it! I give it all of my squee!
............OMG!!
strange but................
....I think pinkie has a little too much imagination sometimes.
after all pinkie pie is pinkie pie
P.S. I almost did so as a child
hahaha!