• Published 15th Mar 2015
  • 550 Views, 28 Comments

Pinkie's Greatest Foe - MelancholyIguana



Pinkie Pie, even as a filly, had to deal with the most deadly of foes

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A trap most foul

Author's Note:

OK so after the number of people commenting on the many, many, many grammatical errors in this story, I went back and had a look.

Yeah, it was embarrassing.:facehoof:

So, basically the reason behind why the uncountable number of mistakes were present in this was because I'm using a hudl to write this. My computer is out of action and this is how I'm spending my free time :twilightsheepish:
That and drinking at least :pinkiesick:
Also tags have been changed due to popular demand. I merely thought making it come across as a horror story would have been funnier. Eh I don't mind :twilightsmile:

Pinkie's greatest foe

Pinkie looked at the boiling trap set before her. The cauldron lay large, intimidating in the way it portrayed pride. Its power geminated to the point where merely being in the same room left you with sweat beaded across your brow.

Pinkie didn't like it. It never moved, it never talked. Would never be bribed, bargained, or bartered. And even some of Pinkies more drastic measure failed to confuse it. It was NEVER beaten. But that wasn't the worst of it.

As it lay down, taking up most of the chamber, its vile mouth open so wide it could fit half a dozen of her in it and eat them all with no hesitation. It was truly a mouth as vast as the creature was. However, that wasn't the worst either. What lay in the horrid creatures gaping mouth was what, even in the hot damp cage she was locked in, chilled the young Pinkie Pie to her very core.

Like tar, bubbling and frothing in its own heat, the pit of her demise spewed forth wisps; tortured souls so condensed they became visible to the naked eye. The pool in its mouth daring her to jump in and join the ascent of the ghosts.

"Pinkie, get in the bath!" Pinkie's mum repeated her order again, frustration no longer in just her voice.

Pinkie watched as the ghostly apparitions rose from the surface of the vile liquid. By merely touching the conglomeration of pained souls could be the very death of her.

Pinkie, still gripping tightly to the bathroom sink as she had been for the past ten minutes, gave her answer again.

"N-nnnno," she would not go in.

"Pinkie, its been far too long since you last had a bath. You need another," her mum commented as she raised a hoof to rub the bridge of her nose.

"Nnnnno!" The inner mechanisms of Pinkies mind ran manic. Yet still, like clockwork, it had a method behind it. Her eloquent grasp of equestrian language failed her. She was only a foal after all, and was still in the earlier years of school. She was a clever little filly for her age and ever so creative, yet most of this creativity manifested itself, much to her parents delight and annoyance, in her imagination. So whilst she couldn't explain why she couldn't go into the silent predators jaws, a simple

"Nnnnno" would have to suffice.

"Get in."

"Nnno"

"Pinkie," her mum stamped, grabbing Pinkies back legs and pulling. Pinkie, now in midair, harnessed the power of the "boa". Her grip on the sink never wavered. "We can't keep doing this every time you need a bath."

Pinkie couldn't look at the shiny marble stone-like creature anymore. It agitated her how it merely sat there... Waiting.

Her mother, clearly hypnotised by this demon, was trying to lull Pinkie into this creatures obvious trap. It was a cunning plan of course, but it was fortuitous that Pinkie had the intelligence her mother was currently stricken of.

"Nnnnnnno!" Whilst Pinkie's constrictor abilities she was harnessing (gained through the sacrifice of many mortal enemies to the snake goddess, enemies such as broccoli and homework) never wavered, her mother's grip gave way, sending her flying against the furthest wall. The crash grabbed the attention of Pinkie's dad.

With a book under his arm, he strolled into the bathroom.

"Pinkie... What are you doing?" Pinkie still hugging the sink replied,

"I don't wanna go in the bath. Its scarwee and mean."

A dazed mother lying crumpled against the opposite side of the room, sighed.

"I give up," trying to shake the stars spinning around her head. Looking at the book in his hand. "Honey, why do you have a book all about igneous stones in your hand? Can't you get your mind off work for two seconds?"

A hurt look, plastered itself over his face. "But geology rocks," he countered, followed by a soft slap from Pinkie mother facehoofing again. Pinkie giggled.

"Just help me get her in the bath." He mum exhaled, picking herself off the floor and dusting herself down. The father disappeared for a few moments. Upon his return, the book was replaced by a crowbar.

"This might work," he said sizing it up. Passing it to the mother, he made to walk out again. "One good hit on the noggin should do the trick."

"We are not resorting to violence!"

"But its the answer to all of life's problems," the dry delivery Pinkie's father used never failed to make her laugh. "Fine," he rolled his eyes, edging the crowbar between the sink and the little pink foul. It took many strained attempts to liberate her from the foursit. By the end of it, Pinkie felt guilty for choking the sink. She would apologise later. She didn't expect any recognition, the sink was never that talkative and as a result didn't respond to her many attempts at holding a conversation.

More importantly however, Pinkie had little to protect her from the bath now.

Held aloft, she felt like a sacrifice to a volcano.

"What are you guys doing?" Maud said. Standing in the doorway, holding a copy of her dads later crime thriller 'Its Sedimentary my dear Watson'.

"Pinkie refused to have a wash."

Maud stepped forward.

"Try this." Throwing a cake into the bath, a loud splash reverberated around the tiny room as Pinkie, with skill that would have earned her a standing ovation at a diving contest, caught the small treat in her mouth before it hit the water and plunged into its warm comforting embrace. The reproductions of the splash soaking all other occupants of the bathroom. The book, however, was left untouched, thank Celestia.

With a look of pleasure on her face, Pinkie finished the cake in seconds. She played with Jacques Banditto Da Vinci the rubber duck, had her hair washed and quickly adapted to her new aquatic life. Sailing as Captain Pinkbeard, the most feared pirate in all the soapy seas... With a pink beard. After half an hour of play time, her mother returned.

"Pinkie, get out of the bath."

"N-nnnno"

Comments ( 28 )

Those of a nervous disposition should read anyway. Because I'm lying :pinkiehappy:

Great story! There were a few small punctuation errors, but other than that, a great read :D

5740623 thanks a lot friend :heart:
Would it be OK to point them out? A new set of eyes is real help
Are there any other ways you think it could have been improved?
I don't feel like I'm moving forward in terms of story writing :pinkiesad2:

5740653

Well, with some of the dialogue, there should be a period (or a comma, or an exclamation point) after the sentence. For example, when Pinkie says "Nonono", it should really say "Nonono!" Or "Nonono." Or even "Nonono," Pinkie said/screeched/pleaded. :heart:

I am working on my first story now (it hasn't been posted yet), so I would love it if you could critique it once it is posted :derpytongue2:

5740666 I normally come on this website once every couple of days so I may not get to it straight away but if you message me it will grab my attention and I would be more than happy to.
Thanks for commenting so quickly :twilightsmile:

Oh, and a few more things I forgot to mention...

"Pinkie, get in the bath" her mum repeated again. Frustration no longer in just her voice.

^^for this, you would want a comma after 'bath', and also a comma instead of a period after again. Keep this kind of thing in mind with all dialogue :twilightsmile:

Lastly, you mentioned that Pinkie hadn't started school yet, but later said that one of her enemies was homework. :)

5740679 oh yeah. I'll change it. Cheers mate, you're good at this :pinkiehappy:

Punctuation problem right in the title: "Pinkies Greatest Foe" should be "Pinkie's Greatest Foe", with an apostrophe.

It's a cute slice-of-life story. I give it an up-vote. I must say, though, that the 'Dark' tag doesn't really belong. It's not accurate at all.

Well, I have to say, that was a really cute story. When I saw this at first, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, which made the reveal of what was actually happening even better. It was well paced, funny, interesting, and just a nice read overall.
However, two things prevent me from faving this: first off, the tags. Yes, I get why you chose to add the dark tag, but let's be honest: we both know that it doesn't belong here. I'm not saying it should be eliminated entirely, but there should, at the very least, be a slice of life tag on here as well, mainly because that's what this story is: a slice of life. However, the main reason why this falls short of my faves list is because of the grammar. While it's far from the worst I've ever seen, it still has errors aplenty.
Examples:

However, that wasn't the worst either.

In this case, part would be a better choice of words then either.

So whilst she couldn't ex.

Umm... what? What does this sentence mean?

"Pinkie, its been far too long since your last bath.

Missing apostrophe.

, wax trying to lull Pinkie into this creatures obvious trap.

Wax should be was, and creature's is the correct grammar.

However, despite these and some other grammatical issues, this is still worth a like out of me. Good going. (not sure if this is the story you wanted me to look at or not, but there's my opinion. Cheers :pinkiesmile:)

5741500 thanks a lot for the comment. I wrote this on a tablet so it likes to throw a few curve balls on top of my own spelling mistakes. Thanks for the advice, I guess I really need to up my ga!e in terms of grammar.

I'll sort out the issues now

5740815 the thing was I wanted to make readers think it was a horror story before the twist

5741918 I expected that was the reason, but the tags really aren't the place to do that kind of misdirection.

I merely thought making it come across as a horror story would have been funnier.

I know. And to be honest, it did make it funnier. However, at the same time, what if a reader came here because they wanted to read a horror story? Answer: they'd most likely have some serious disdain towards you for flat out lying about your story's genre. It's best not to play with your audience's expectations on the genre tags. Glad to see you took the critiques well, though! (by the by, I came here due to your comments in The Helpful Comment Trade group. It was clear you wanted some critical judgment, but I wasn't sure which story you wanted it on. Was this the story you wanted an opinion on, or was it one of the others? I ask as a reviewer for the group. Cheers :pinkiesmile:)

5744317 ok, I will consider that next tim. I merely wanted to keep up the appearance at the start if you catch my drift :pinkiesmile:
1)In light of the criticism I have had from this story, I see it as tough love in some aspects. I want to improve and asking for help is how to do that. By shunning that help it would be highly disrespectful, especially if the reviewer was placing down clear and completely relevant points (as you have done). So thank you very much for that.
Again, I do feel embarrassed about the many grammatical errors in this piece but I guess I will just have to be more carefull with typing on a hudl and be more stricked with checking.
2) I didn't mind which story it was, I just wanted to know if the ideas put forth in the story were interesting, if the characters were both true to the originals and still likeable. I also wanted to know where I could improve my writing style
Thanks for addressing these. If you want me to review a story then ask back :pinkiehappy:

5743137 OK, i just thought it was a good idea to play along with the intro to the story. However, as an inexperienced writer (this being the 4th story I have done...I think:twilightoops:)) I am more than happy to change it.

Thanks for the help :twilightsmile:

5745164

ok, I will consider that next tim. I merely wanted to keep up the appearance at the start if you catch my drift :pinkiesmile:

I get the drift. And honestly, the story itself did that well enough on its own, starting off with the dark imagery on its own was enough to get the desired effect across, even without the misdirection from the tags.

1)In light of the criticism I have had from this story, I see it as tough love in some aspects. I want to improve and asking for help is how to do that. By shunning that help it would be highly disrespectful, especially if the reviewer was placing down clear and completely relevant points (as you have done). So thank you very much for that.

If only everyone on the site was like that... And you are quite welcome for the review.

2) I didn't mind which story it was, I just wanted to know if the ideas put forth in the story were interesting, if the characters were both true to the originals and still likeable. I also wanted to know where I could improve my writing style

Answers: Yes, Yes, and improve on your grammar.

Thanks for addressing these. If you want me to review a story then ask back :pinkiehappy:

Intriguing suggestion... Sure, why not?
How about this one?
This was one of my earliest efforts, but I still think it holds up as a decent slice of life story, despite having a couple problems within it, I'm sure. Also, it's my least viewed story by a fair margin, which is kind of sad, since it's actually my 2nd favorite story I've written thus far. Let me know what you think, would ya? Thanks!
Cheers :pinkiesmile:
Charles Spratt

5745342 OK, I will read it tonight and give you my opinion. Do you want me to be blunt or sugar coat it a bit :raritywink:

5745384
Here's my rules:
1: Say it is amazing
2: Disregard rule #1 :trollestia:
3: As long as you don't insult me personally, and explain how it could be improved, when possible, I'm fine with bluntness. Just be constructive, as opposed to destructive. That's all I ask. Cheers :pinkiesmile:

5745393 you should have no worries there. If I say anything cutting I will feel bad about it. I read the description and I'm liking it so far. So that's positive :pinkiehappy:

Finished your helpful comment group review thingy. It's here, if ever.

5765213 thanks for the review. I'm sorry it live up to greater expectations.

5765213 as a request, could you point me towards better comedies if my ability of writing comedy needs improving.

5769237 Good comedies? I'll be honest, they're rare. Only one comedy really met my expectations in the submissions folder, and it was hardly the greatese example of the genre.

I think I have one, though. I confess, I mostly liked it because it was AppleDashy, but if you're okay looking past that, this might help. I think a lot of this guy's stuff is genuinely funny, and plays with the written medium quite well too, building his jokes up and stuff and doing most of the stuff I mentioned. I don't know if he's the best out there, but at the very least, I liked it.

So. Freaking. CUTE!!!!! I love it! I give it all of my squee!

............OMG!!
strange but................
....I think pinkie has a little too much imagination sometimes.
after all pinkie pie is pinkie pie
P.S. I almost did so as a child
hahaha!

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