Had a few minutes free, thought I'd review something not in the Goodfic Bin for a change. Yay for diversity.

Yes, it's the shortest story in the folder. So what if I'm busy?

My general reaction to seeing an underviewed and underliked comedy is either that: it didn't have a stupid enough premise or it hasn't built up it's jokes correctly, and presented it's humour adequately.

To this story's credit, I think it tries to get it's humour from multiple sources: Pinkie's obstinance, and her father. For a 1K word slice of life comedy, that's more than most stories do. The trouble is, only one of these worked.

I enjoyed Pinkie's father. I have a soft spot for stupid puns, and I actually smiled at Pinkie's dad. The deadpan delivery and the fact that, frankly, it's treated like ordinary dialogue works in it's favour: you have to stop and think (usually a bad thing when reading, since it means you've broken immersion), but when you realize it's a pun, you roll your eyes. In a good way: the best puns are also, incidentally, the worst puns.

On the other hand, I found Pinkie to be unfunny. At first, I thought I'd be impressed by the story, as it presents the bathtub, in the eyes of the reader, as an evil cauldron. Unfortunately, this deception is lost far too quickly.

Why is this bad? Because whilst the deception lasted, we were getting build-up to the joke. When the illusion was revealed, then it became slapstick, and slapstick does not translate well into writing. Pinkie holding onto the sink and throwing herself after the cake were not all that well built up, and the jokes fell flat. Had the story continued in trying to trick the reader into thinking it was an evil cauldron, this might've had a much more effective payoff.

As it is, I actually think this is one of the better comedies I've looked at. Unfortunately, that's not setting the bar all that high. This one does have a conflict in there, though, so amazingly it stands on it's own as a story. Most short comedies don't do this. Here, Pinkie can't get in the tub, and that's the obstacle she has to overcome. It sounds trivial, but it isn't: it's a reason to read on other than the jokes.

It's not great conflict, granted, but I'm amazed that it even did that. I guess I'm jaded regarding short comedies. Had it been funnier, particularly in regards to Pinkie, I think I may have liked this.

Grammar could use some work, and possibly an editor. Even after the author looked through it, weird phrasing and uncomfortable word choices persist:

The cauldron lay large, intimidating in the way it portrayed pride.

And even some of Pinkies more drastic measure failed to confuse it.

Whilst Pinkie's constrictor abilities she was harnessing (gained through the sacrifice of many mortal enemies to the snake goddess, enemies such as broccoli and homework) never wavered, her mother's grip gave way, sending her flying against the furthest wall. The crash grabbed the attention of Pinkie's dad.

the little pink foul

But... I'm not that dissapointed with it. I don't think it's all that memorable, and is neither funny nor interesting enough to make it 'good', but as an early story, and a comedy, too... I can think of worse stories. Take what I say with a pinch of salt, give the story a read, and make up your own minds.

Linky linky!

Hey Hap I didn't know you reviewed here.....cool.
you traitor

4191610 I'm everywhere, Ultron. I'm in your circuits, in your core, in your biscuits and much more.

4191633

4191664
4191633

You two are Ridiculous

4191703 Only when I'm drunk...or high.

4191714
Sadly I'm too young for such indulgences

Didn't stop this guy.

4191586 Dang it, ya beat me to it!

4191586 Thanks for the review. The points made are fair enough. Although I felt as if you were writing some thing in it to make me happy, rather than being honest.

However, whilst it is a sign me being a poor writer if I have to explain my creative process afterwards, I thought I might as well anyway.

The odd writing was to show Pinkie's thoughts and were written as they were in order to come across in stark contrast to her actual responses.
I didn't write Pinkie as a funny character in this because I thought she would have been more worried about the sink than causing a laugh.
Finally, the mundanity of the situation, in my opinion, makes the revealment and following actions to be that much funnier.

I dunno. Maybe it just wasn't executed right.

Ultron would make a terrible guitar.

There are no strings on him

4195213 I see where you're coming from, especially in regards to the mundanity of the actions thing. The problem is, humour from actions translates to writing very poorly, in my experience. You might be visualizing something hilarious in your head, but describing it without that visual aid is a task not many can pull off... none I've seen, anyway.

If you're familiar with anime... you know how oftentimes they'll have a character overreact in some way, and most of the time you just stand there thinking 'lol, what? Is this supposed to be funny?'. Well, it's the same difference, except instead of from visual to written, it's japanese to english. The jokes in anime will send people rolling on the floor laughing in japan, but here, the context is missing. It's kind of the same thing with written and visual comedy: they don't translate.