Twilight recieves a letter from her brother, containing some thrilling news and some alarming news. Before she knew it, her world crumbles.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 26th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Last Wednesday
Symphony
A paragon of virtue, role model, professional writer and a liar.
Symphony
Joined 26th Jan, 2012 ·
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I guess the power of love can't save you from stealth criticals.
...I am a very bad person.
... I can understand the general idea of this, but... I found that it doesn't convey emotion as strong as it could. It's just not powerful enough, in my honest opinion. You wrote this well, and it honestly moved me a little. But, well... It hasn't moved me enough. Have a thumb for the effort.
P.S. - Poor Cadence. Being a widow Princess can't be easy.
547601 I agree about the emotion. Could have been more...
547601
547607
Trust me, in about a week or so I'll have another pile of one-shot ideas to cram out of my brain. Hell, 4 of my stories are just one-shots. I'll crame some raw emotion into them. Pinkie promise.
547613 Alright then... I'll keep an eye out. But if they don't, I'm shoving a cupcake in your eye.
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTToG7Y4khpwzhJmjXJSoDlDixpi6S0rlFXqN8unYIIh4_8hAe1uQ
No...
547617
Oh... shi-... I WILL DO IT.
Eh... No offense, but... For a one shot, not that moving. I mean... I could MAYBE see this being the start of ANOTHER story, (Or rather, this being chapter 1) but it just... IDK, didn't MOVE me? I mean, I had the 'OH SHIT!' moment when I saw that he had YET to do the mission, but I already knew what was coming. And seriously, two WEEKS to get sent a letter? That's just BS. He's the Captain of the Guard. I'd like to THINK he'd get higher priority than THAT! If you were trying to go for the whole 'it's been so long since I've heard from him' kind of thing, just a couple of DAYS would ahve been plenty, if it was supposed to be a short, simple mission to the Everfree Forest. And also, why weren't the Mane six asked to come along as well, if there was a chance that she WAS there?
You've got a great idea, but it needs some work if it's going to be more moving. Keep working!
(Sorry if I sound negative, but I'm jsut trying to help show where it could use more work, so you can improve for your future stories!
)
547709
I thought that this needed continuation, so I'll be writing another chapter to it. Not exactly top priority but I will do it eventually. And don't worry about seeming negative, it's needed for me to improve. I don't hold anything against you for that. I could even thank you, so thanks!
EDIT: Changed the tag to incomplete.
MMMMM whatcha say...
The narration is too omniscient and apathetic. Try "personalizing" it into Twilight's thoughts and feelings on the matter (you can do this while still keeping it in 3rd person) to get readers to sympathize more. Heck, their letters to each other seem kinda distant and formal despite Shining Armor supposedly being Twilight's B.B.B.F.F. (ignoring the criticisms one could make about their behavior in-show about understanding one another). Remember how Twilight went as far as to forgo formality toward Shining Armor in front of the other guards? On his own wedding day?
Looking like a great story. Poor Twilight and Cadence.
Tracking.
Not bad, but not great either. Thumbs up for concept and being an enjoyable read, but it doesn't have the emotional impact it could have. Not sure what else to say. I think part of the problem is that Twilight and the condolence letter felt sloppy. Twilight's letter just didn't feel like something she'd write. Can't explain why though, just a gut feeling. As for the condolence letter, that should have been done in person by a guard, or even given Armour and Twilight's importance with in Equestrian society, Celestia herself. The condolence letter really just didn't work for me, and greatly diminished the story's impact.
More?????????
547821
moar.
SIN JOKE ANY OONE!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?
Could have been more emotional, but still was fairly good. I hope that you are going to continue the story, I'd really like to see how Twilight's and Candace's lives go further after the loss of Shining Armor.
547961
It's gonna be a slow progress of getting out a chapter for this, as I'm already writing a story with multiple chapters and has scheduled updates for it. I'll try though.
If you wrote more chapters where she goes on adventure to discover if he is truly dead or to get revenge, that would be while a little cheesy, it's some juicy material.
547601Dont worry Cadance will get over it after a couple of hundred years.
Well, that's a kick in the bollocks.
Nice story, tracking.
If continued, this could make a nice not quite dead or came back wrong, with Shining Armor possibly being alive, but changed in a similar manner to how he was in the season finale, but not under mind control...
Midnight Sparkle and Starlight Sparkle has been informed
-have been
552884
Fix'd. Thanks for noticing it.
Damn....That's some sad shit right there....
Tracking.
Useless mooks, heheh. Armor lives! Twilight launching an expedition! I eagerly await more.
The story is very predictable and it seems quite rushed but par that so far pretty darn good
586300
Predictable, eh? We'll see about that...
586308 Lemme guess a changeling finds Shiny and becomes him and the sqaud Twilight sends out find the changeling and brings him in only for the Real shiny to turn up at a key moment ot put things in perspective?
586543
Not. Even. Close.
586564 Does it involve batman?
Now THAT would be unexpected
586576
No Batman, sadly...
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/068/7/b/i_just_don__t_know_what_went_wrong__derpy_wp_by_rochambo-d4s9pb9.png
Cadence ^
586564 Does it involve batman?
Now THAT would be unexpected
586581 What about the Flash!
Or Green Lantern?
Or Iron man?
Or Cpt America?
Or Scooby doo?
586648
Scooby Doo piqued my interest, but I'll not write any crossovers.
...Yet
586653 For the record that would be an awsome crossover
586714
I want to read a Scooby Doo crossover now...
586757 Relevant
Silly Changelings, you can't kill Shining Armor!
Well done!
I'll have to read the rest!
This story just got 20% more cooler!
PLEASE let Shining Armour come home...pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseple
Twilight, this is a work of fiction.
I know, but I still like my BBBFF.
please let him come home. They need him.
Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.
This is. THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!
R.I.P
1121918 Fart, turd, and twat.