• Member Since 11th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen June 8th

JazzieQ


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An Equestria without earth ponies. That's how it is thanks to a dark past 500 years ago and now back in the present Spike is on a mission. With support from unlikely sources he has to seek the way to help Equestria survive the great famine.

Would appreciate if you give critique/comment and likes/dislikes. This is my first story. EVER.

Thanks to the awesome 2135D for the neat artwork.
Thanks to enti0 for inchapter artwork. really awesome.

BIG Thanks to my new co-author Chronocrosser.

Thanks to nioniosbbbb for permission to use of his OC "Lionmane"

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 33 )

This is Great!

Great first chapter this definitely has the potential to be one of the better fics, and I personally can not wait to read more. Please do not give up on this story it has so much potential, and I mean have it's own group potential. I am really looking forward to reading how Argil turned out compared to how the altered Equestria turned out. And I am esecialy happy Spike and Gilda will play major roles in this story, major Spike and Gilda fan.

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Thanks! i'm still planning the course of events so i'm open to suggestions!

5543587 Really I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I actually have a small list.

First off considering how there was only proven to be one literate earth pony in the founding of Argil. And that pony was not very literate from what you presented I would suggest a secret agreement between a Griffin or the Griffins and Argil. Suppose a Griffin found Argil and started a steady trade agreement with Argil in exchange for some of Argils crops they would trade whatever Argil needed and said deal would include teaching them the finer points of reading, this would giving Argil a source of outside money and other trade goods including books and knowledge from beyond Argil. This would help Argil gain a steady income and knowledge of the outside world. And said Griffin would go thru hoops to ensure that nobody found out about Argil because the famine is what would cause Argil’s crops to be so profitable and there is only so much the Griffins and Zebra’s can ship out. So as long as Argil was secret said Griffin trader and his or her descendants would stay rich while enriching Argil.

Second I don’t know if you already decided but I would suggest a great monument like a statue or something in dedication to Argil’s first king Grey Willow. Maybe a few of them including in Argil’s capital, and you can include monuments to Silver and Raspberry as their saviors. I assume that Argil’s current King will be Grey Willow’s descendent, so why not give him something to admire from his castle.

Also I would suggest that the blessing of Terra did not just give Argil great crops and a barrier but maybe a few new magical locations that the Earth Pony’s discover and take advantage of like a few eternal mine that is a magical mine that will never run out of what ever the materials are in it. It will just keep regenerating it’s metal, gem’s whatever ails you. But the mine also regenerates the rocks and dirt that keep the miners away from it and the materials are not always in the same place so a mining town could keep mining the same mine over, and over.

I would also suggest you think of a few new magical crops like zap apples.

Also this thought is maybe obvious but who knows, not all earth ponies would want the joining to happen after the stories they heard I could imagine a political group rising to keep the pony races separate. They could have many reasons to keep Argil from Equiestria. Like Argil is perfect the way it is. Or they could be worried on what would happen to their current government if they did join. Would they still have the same king or governor’s or would Equiestria just replace them with it’s own? And what would happen to Argil’s economy? Many Earth ponies would want nothing to do with Equiestria.

Finally I ask you do not make put Spike in just a sidekick position do what you have to make this a great story but as a Spike fan I ask do not forget him. Maybe Spike could be raised in Argil but that’s your decision.

“Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They’re GONE!”

I had a feeling that those two would end up getting themselves in trouble after they found put about Braeburn, but ohhhhhh, boy!

Um.........

"Cutie Mark Crusader Stowaways YAY?"

Great Chapter.

I just love where this is going. I sure hope Braeburn dose not get in to much trouble. And I also love how Spike is now an Equestrian ambassador, I hope he does a good job at it. Who knows as a dragon Spike could do well in Argil, maybe the earth ponies will look past that he is from Equestria.

As for the Cutie mark Crusaders I'm not sure they can get into Argil unless one the barrier drops, or two the barrier lets in unicorn and Pegasus without Cutie Marks. And if they do get in I can picture them either the victims of prejudice or hiding their horns and wings and learning about the earth ponies. But if thats not the case they will be on there way home soon.

I am really looking forward to Gilda's appearance since you mentioned that the Griffin crops were dwindling that leads me to believe they would have an interest in Argil too. And Gilda makes for a good scout/ambassador to negotiate a trade agreement. I really hope Gilda makes her appearance soon.

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Thx guys for following the story so far! I got chap three almost done. I'm trying to get as much writing in as possible before I get swamped with school work. Chrono crosser don't worry Gilda coming soon and thx for the ideas. I feel like you're reading my mind a bit. :pinkiehappy:

5562052 For my part, you're very welcome! It's a great story, and I can't wait to see where you go with it!

And that's great news about Chapter 3. Good luck!

AS to that, I don't blame you. I haven't been in school in ages, but I well remember being swamped in classwork. Not one of my fonder memories.

5562052 Your welcome! I can't wait for chapter 3 really looking forward to it. Oh and good luck with your classes I know balancing school with writhing can be tough. And as long as your still excepting idea's here's a few.

How about a few memorials to all the earth ponies that died in Equestria. Maybe a few art gallery's in Argil museums that still have art from the first settlers of Argil, dedicated to the cruelty of the Unicorn and Pegasus races. Maybe a massive wall showing Unicorn and Pegasus enslaving and or torturing Earth ponies. And a few 490 or so year old paintings, tapestries, and even statues depicting Unicorn and Pegasus cruelty and a few dedicated to earth pony survival, and courageousness.

Without Unicorn magic the Earth pony's could have turned to alchemy and or potion making quite easily. Maybe Argil could have the most advanced alchemy (and or the best potion makers what ever you want to call it) in the world. As such they would also have the best alchemy academy in the world, and the best agricultural and Alchemical Library's in the world. As a primary agricultural society Argil would have no problem growing and or finding the ingredients and no problem learning about them. And since you mentioned a few Zebra's were their at the founding of Argil if memory serves alchemy would be right up there ally. And it would not be a field limited to zebra's Earth Pony's like Apple Bloom have been seen successfully making potion's too in the show.

I can picture the girl's believing earth pony's only know how to and or be good for growing thing's and not realizing yet that they can have different talents too. Talents like art, alchemy, science, being a merchant, or what ever job need's to be done well. After all no Unicorn or Pegasus has seen a Earth Pony in five hundred years so what would they know about them. They might even insult the earth pony race with there ignorance and or assumptions.

I personally think the Earth ponies did well at Argil I can imagine great city's beautiful city's and lush green scenery. I think Spike will be impressed at how much grander Argil will be compared to Equestria. Amazing what you can accomplish when you work at it for centuries have a great team supporting you and don't have a massive famine and or tragedy to deal with. Who knows Argil might be so good most ponies will want to go live their. But I don't think the earth ponies will allow that until the unification happens. And they had five hundred years they must have come up with some plan to defend themselves by now if they had to. Maybe some new potion to help defend them or a new metal or crystal that absorbs or neutralizes magic and or blocks flying in it's vicinity.

As for the princess of Argil I hope it is not Terra or Cadence. I love them but I feel Argil needs a Earth pony on the throne. After all they are paranoid of all Unicorns and Pegasus so that fear might also cary to an Alicorn who is not Terra. They might even have a official law, No Unicorns or Pegasus is to lead the country and or be in any position of power. And if it is Terra then it would be to easy for the unification to happen, no I believe Argil's leader should be an earth pony. No I would actually like to see the descendent or descendants of Grey Willow still on the throne and still leading well. I say still leading well because if they are actually doing a good job the earth ponies are more likely to stay loyal to their monarch, and resist Celestia and Luna leadership. I just feel it makes for a more interesting story.

These are just suggestions feel free to either use them or disregard them but I hope they can either help and or influence your story.

Great Chapter I look for ward to the next.

I hope that that did not destroy the barrier I can't imagine Sweetie and Scootaloo making any friends from that. heck it could cause a panic. And Braeburn is going to be in trouble for bring them even indirectly to Argil. Sweetie and Scootaloo had better find some way to hide there horn and wings if they don't they might just spend there visit in a prison cell, though I'm sure Braeburn will inform his princess about this he is not the type to run from his responsibility. I am really looking forward to seeing how the visitors react to Argil for the first time.

Comment posted by JazzieQ deleted Jan 29th, 2015

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By the way, I'm pretty new to writing and to this site as a matter of fact.
Any one know how to promote your story on this site for more readership??

5563692 tl;dr. Given the rampant grammatical and spelling errors throughout this post, I'd be leery of taking any but the most basic of advice.

5543587
Description has awkward phrasing. If you want to factually state that there are very few Earth ponies left, then say explicitly the words "Almost all the earth ponies were wiped out" instead of the way you have it.
5564572
As far as this goes... Groups! Introduce yourself, add your stories, if they let you post about your stories, then do so. I've stumbled into a bunch of followers by just being a part of discussions and being seen across the site.
Generally that's the best way to do things. Just be nice to people. Also, that's what your long and short descriptions and tags are for. You want them to interest people.

5595723
Thanks. I'll think of something to put in the description then :twilightsmile:

5595751
I think you have everything you need in the description right now. You just need to change the way the information is presented.
First off, saying "Mane 6" makes you look like an infant. Choose an absolute focus character, then relate it as "X and her friends". You don't need to say where Pinkie and AJ are, we know they don't exist because you've previously stated that Earth ponies don't exist, and the story is about them only just stumbling across one.

5595759
I see. I think i will have to change to description because I'm assuming you haven't started reading the story or you haven't gotten very far.
So far from your own judgment of the description, I see the description probably throws off the reader. I don't want to disclose the contents of the story but AJ and Pinkie do exist. Just not in Equestria.

“Aww, pipe down Applejack. Well... Applebloom I didn’t bring those shells you asked for but let me introduce yer to Spike, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.”

Applebloom’s eyes widened, so did Sweetie and Scootaloo.

“Hey I know them! That one has a horn! She’s a unicorn!” Applebloom exclaimed pointing to Sweetie.

Two words for this:

Uh - oh.:twilightoops:

5595776
Well we shouldn't immediately know that they exist at all, until you (hopefully organically) introduce them in the story.
No, I haven't read it at all. My apologies. I'm merely commenting on the description for now.

5595886
Great!!!! :pinkiehappy: I think i'll work on that description when i get home. THANKS A LOT!

5595785
Uh-oh is right :raritywink:

5564572 Well, I'm not really new to writing (been doing it since grade school, really), or the site (been amember here for nearly 4 years (geez, has it been that long?! Sure doesn't seem like it!)).

But as to the other, I have no clue as to how to. I'd like to know how to for my own stories.

5595902 Yep.:twilightoops::pinkiegasp:

Great Chapter I definitely like wear this is going. I'm really looking forward to reading about the festival and Argil's Princess. Oh and Thank you for the the whole Gilda and Spike staring in the next Chapter thing and explaining what happened with the barrier. I so can not wait to read Chapter Five!

So Argil's a no Fly zone I assume this means the barrier prevents flying and logic dictates that also means magic, as a way to further protect the earth ponies. Great idea, but I hope you considered my suggestion of them coming up with a plan to defend themselves by now if they had to. They had five hundred years and surlly they would find a way and surly somepony must have thought. What if they find a way past or a way to destroy the barrier. I better find a alternate way to neutralize their wings and magic just incase.

So Grey Willow was the illegitimate son of General Gustnado did not see that coming have to say I did not see that coming. From What I could see Grey is so far the only good thing Gustnado ever did besides leaving the truth in his diary, and that was not much. I wonder if Grey Willow's descendants know about. And for that matter I wonder if any earth pony in Argil knows about their family's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grand unicorn and or pegasus in the closet. If they did they would probably cover it up to avoid the shame.

I've actually been wondering about the Cakes they had a pegasus, and a unicorn or Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake because, Mr. Cake's great-great-great-great grandfather was a unicorn, and Cup Cake's great aunt's second cousin twice removed was a pegasus. I have wondered about how you will handle that for a while and now, and now that Gustnado and Grey Willow's secret came out I have a theory. With no pegasus, and or unicorn blood in the gene pool for five hundred years either Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake will either be earth ponies. Or when the barrier drops latent genes held dormant from the barrier will resurface from long past pegasus and a unicorn coupling with earth ponies and certain undesirable traits in Argil like wings and horns will start to pop up in the newborn foals. Or when the barier drops said latent genes held dormant from the barrier will resurface from long past pegasus and a unicorn coupling with earth ponies and certain undesirable traits in Argil like wings and horns will start to pop up in any pony. Personally I'm hoping for Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake will be earth ponies.

5595900
It's better, but still could be better.
It's really dry and doesn't really draw a reader in overmuch. You're telling too much.
Remember the words of Chekhov. "Do not tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass."

I just had two realizations. should have posted them with the other post sorry.

The one trick Tera mentioned what could it mean. Could it be that Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo will be transformed into earth ponies for their stay.

I also kinda wondered what influence does Terra have on Argil. Does she have her own church or even some art, monuments or stories dedicated to her. How is she viewed on Argil.

5596537
Chrono you're more excited than I am. Lol. That's good. I'm quite inspired to write. You'll have to wait and see what I got planned. Hehe don't worry I'm noting your ideas. We're quite in sync if you wanna consider that a spoiler. :ajsmug:

Great Chapter!

I loved Applejack's reaction it seemed it was so authentic so her. As for the other earth ponies who may feel that way, I feel that those feeling's are in a way justified. While it is true that the earth pony slavery happened five hundred years ago and that has nothing to do with the current generation, they had had no contact with the unicorn or the pegasus for five hundred years either. I believe some of the earth ponies basically carry on the anger hate and the grudge of their ancestors from long past. The unicorn and pegasus went to war against the earth ponies in an attempt of genocide and that war was never declared over, in the earth ponies eyes anyway. They never even received so much as an apology. With no contact with unicorn or the pegasus they might have been safe but they had no chance to move on or let go of their grudge.

Long time grudges die hard if they ever die, and the earth ponies are known for their stubbornness. Probably any well educated could name at least eight different groups of real life people who have hated each other for over a hundred years, or even a basically educated person could name at least two different groups of real life people who have hated each other for over a hundred years. The truth is hatred does not just go away peace and change takes time a lot of time. If Spike and Twilight really want peace it will realistically take years if not decades to achieve it. After all if peace was easy everyone would do it.

I'll admit I saw Discord entering the story but not this soon. Why would Discord help them could it be with the great famine there was no chance to spread chaos in Equestria without dooming it and Discord is a trickster not a monster. And with the barrier surrounding Argil he could not get in or interfere with it's afars. Is it possible he is setting the stage to be his old trickster self. Well whatever his reason we will find out eventually. So Discord is going to help them why do I get the feeling what ever help he gives them will have a catch. Could it be that the predication I made about Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo will be transformed into earth ponies for their stay. Will be happening to Twilight and the girl's. Or will it be something else that I can't guess. well what ever deal he makes I have a feeling he will have a little chaotic string attached to it. That's what happens when you make a faustian pact.

I have to say Big Mac captain of the guards nice touch. He defiantly makes for a good military leader in my eyes. Calm and the strong silent type, never know what he's thinking. I picture him a by the book solder who tries to follow protocol while trying to do the right thing for his country and family.

It seems that the legend of Grey Willow got exaggerated some. Oh well true enough I suppose but do they also have the real story as well.

Knowing where Big Mac is makes me wonder where is Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich and what are they doing. I assume they are still rich in this reality. And for that matter are their any Donkeys in Argil Cranky Doodle I'm assuming is their.

And finally all the Dash talk about how Gilda would kill Scootaloo if she found out their connection. Makes me wonder what happened in the past between Dash and Gilda I know the timeline changed so I have no idea what happened. and for that matter how or why did Mac join the Argil Guards instead of farming. Care to do flashback's to explain later.

Great Chapter!

The girl's look like they are going to get in trouble in Argil, I wonder how Argil will react to them. And for that matter I wonder how Big Mac will react to Apple Bloom being there. I have to say that I really love this story and was really excited to see it updated after so long. Keep up the good work.

Great chapter.
And I about that essay I understand real life has to comes first.
I hope you ace it.

So, a few thoughts. One, you have a few issues with commas. When you address someone, you need to put a comma after their name. Second, this does feel a bit rushed, something you acknowledge in your author's notes. I just feel a few hundred extra words would help out a ton. Third, the all capitalization sections are a bit off-putting. Just an opinion for that one, but it's a thought of mine, nonetheless. Regardless, on to the next chapter.

6026543
thanks for the comment!
okay i can try to work on those little grammar intricacies.

“Spike, it up to you to make contact with the earth ponies.”

You forgot the is in there.

Braeburn looked at the ponies a pondered

A instead of and.
Anyway, here are my current thoughts. My comments about commas on the previous chapter still stand, but that's not a major thing on my mind. My main comment is one that I take huge beef with changing large amounts of history without changing anything current. As far as I can tell, nothing much has changed for the Mane six. Twilight is still Celestia's student, Applejack and Braeburn are still cousins, Rarity knows Twilight, etc. It's not so much a direct complaint with your story as with Alt. Un. in general. Nothing has really changed other than the main factions. They still have all their relatives, they still have their direct friends, and so on. We've got pretty much the same backstory for our cast as if this wasn't Alt. Un. and that isn't my favorite way to handle stories like these. Sorry if I got long winded, next chapter ahoy!

6049993
okay. i din't really want to change much of the canon setting.
i left it as it is because i thought the course really changed as being two separate landmasses and kingdoms.
but lives were not much altered.

6050018 I can get that. It's mainly a pet peeve of mine when it comes to Alt. Un. and I wanted to tell you my thoughts. :twilightsheepish:

Thoughts for chapter three. First off, Gilda is an idiot for not realizing that Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo are the two that she's looking for. Another pet peeve-ish thing is that the Cutie Mark Crusaders still exist in this universe. I'm sorry, but not amount of destiny is going to convince about all this without an outside force influencing it all. Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell became friends through Applebloom. Twilight made her friends partially thanks to Pinkie Pie and Applejack. By removing earth ponies, you've taken out a cornerstone for the world in the show.

On a side note, it's rather ridiculous that Twilight wouldn't have figured out about the earth ponies yet. She reads for part of her living, surely there must have been some way for her to find a book about it. Although, I like how you have the unicorns and pegasi curious about Braeburn. It makes a lot of sense, they've spent all their lives, and their parents and grandparents, without any evidence of earth ponies. I like the worldbuilding for this chapter, it helps explain some things from earlier, including what other ponies felt about the genocide. Also, why is 'customers down our throats' a saying? Shouldn't that be 'we've got customers on our hands?' Just my two cents, anyway. Onward to chapter four!

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