Hi! I'm Leon Kenway. I'm 17 years old, Albino and I'm an orphan. I love to tell you more about me, but I save that for later on.Cause this about my adventures, not my problems. Anyway, this is how I was taken from 'home' to an world of talking ponies. Which isn't so bad, if I didn't also have to help with returning enemies of said ponies and a few love struck ponies. What more, I somehow ended in a bath with an mare name Luna. Also I somehow got myself engage to her on my first day!
Not an good start in a world I'm not familiar with and my 'roommates' aren't helping much!
First time ever writing an HIE fic, so please be patient with me.
Chapters (1)
Fix the errors while I fav not like...yet.
Irrelevant.
Is it also your first time writing in English?
You used "patience" instead of "patient", you keep using "an" when you should use "a", you used "completed" instead of "completely", you seem to not know what "albino" actually means, you have several words missing from your sentences, you have errors with both your punctuation and your capitalization... and all that is just in your description. I'd hate to read the actual story.
A few things:
- That hamfisted line about Assassin's Creed is not only unsubstantial, but immediately ejected me from the slightest hint of illusion. In other words, don't do that.
- I have the strong feeling you chose Kenway simply because, "Well it sounded cool in Assassin's Creed," due to that intro. I am disappoint, especially given a character's name is a great nuancing tool to give them something with meaning behind it.
- Do you even understand what albinism is? It's when your skin cells are unable to produce pigment. It is quite literally impossible for you to have not pale skin as an albino. Then you'd just be a normal person.
- Of course protagonist is a fucking orphan. That's been writing shorthand for special snowflake who's a diamond in the rough since Oliver fucking Twist.
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This sentence might be one of the most fumbling and awkwardly worded things I've ever read in any summary.
- So, in the description- the part you reserve for only the most important details of the story- you think the only relevant thing to bring up about the world we're going to spend the vast majority of this story in is that your self insert ends up bathing with a presumably nude Luna. Not the greater themes of the story, not the actual plot, not even some of the interesting or exotic things your OC would see in this foreign fantasy world. Nope, the most important fact was you take a bubble bath with Moonbutt...
... there's no way this story can redeem itself. Down voted. Peace.
5463572 At least your honest and I thank you for that. But I simply suck at summary without giving too much away. Not to mention hearing and speaking problems doesn't help. So I like to make story's the best I can and have people like you correct my mistakes. It help me see where I gone wrong and try to fix it. So thank you! I get on the summary right away.
5464145
Honesty is always my policy, even if it makes me look like a dick. As for the summary, good luck. The trick is to describe the plot rather than the character.
5464152 Thanks for that info. Let me know if I need to fix an few mistakes.
Why
5476691 look at the comments below. If your asking why I made this story in general, I just feel like trying something new, that all. And I sorry if it not to your liking, but please, just leave this story be and move on to others great authors.
I like the concept cant wait to see what you come up with next.
This has GOT to be a trollfic or an alt. account.
keep up the good work
Don't let all the hates get you down. Keep at it. Heck, if I had quit the first time I got a whole bunch of hates, my account would only have ONE story.