Profession : farmer Passions : 80-90s rock, David Gemmel and of course MLP FIM Favorite occupation : converting friends to bronies
Equestria is a land where magic runs free, from powerful spells to the growth of a single flower, it is omnipresent.
When a magical force of unprecedented magnitude is unleashed, guests from unknown origins are pulled in.
Will they be grateful for a chance to live in Paradise, or will they resent the lack of choice, taken away by friendship.
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So yeah, gonna start working on my story again, but when I tried to put my changes on the old chapters... I kinda accidentally deleted everything... View count and comments. Ops.
I worked on the old chapters and added a few things, like some backstory for one, that helps. Next chapter is done and being scrutinized for screw ups. The ones after are in draft.
Im a little annoyed at how stupidly violent Twilight is.
uhhhg wy do i want his wife dead?
2465684
Only because Mès is so annoying. I'm basing Twilight's mood on her reactions towards emotional stress and her inability to deal with crazy personalities, as seen in “Feeling Pinkie keen” or “Lesson zero” or even “It’s about time”. And this takes place not long after she began lessons in friendship, so she should still be pretty awkward at that point. But I didn’t want her to be perceived as truly violent... Do you feel this way because of the kick she gives him in chapter 4?
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Is it because she is bossy, manipulative and loves to be make fun of people?
2466137
It starts with the smelling thing. She, the academic, doesnt stop to consider how shard the olfactory senses of a previously unmet creature could be. Especially, you know, when they appear out of the blue in a gigantic ball of light and explosions. His "lack of tact" isn't even a lack of tact, its just a difference in species. Twilight seems like more of a Rainbow Dash character; brash, prideful, and assuming. I feel that you could fit any single other pony character(with the exception of Pinkie or Fluttershy) into the spot that Twilight was in that morning, and it would turn out the same way. Do you see the problem there?
Im going to be an asshole and say it: Im really not liking how your story is starting, nor, really, where its going. I can Aurora berating Mes for getting branded, asking him "how are we going to raise a child like this," even though it is not his fault, and he is the one who is now a slave. Not a good direction to go.
Everyone seems to be a little OOC, even the OCs. I look at the tags and see "comedy,' but you set it up much, much darker than that. Slavery, death, and genocide are really dismal undertones to have when youre trying to make it into a comedy. The powerful mage is a moron, his wife is a bitch, Twilight is a bitch, Celestia is a pushover, and Twilights friends are useless. Good comedy setup.
However, the mage is a potential slave who has been running for his life by creating a path of dead bodies and destruction. His wife isnt helping at all, putting him down and overall being a bitch even though she just lost her legs, eyes, and has a hole punched through her (any one of which means that the baby is dead, but it isnt). Twilight's first encounter with this species end up with her accidentally enslaving the mage. Keyword: ENSLAVING. As in, nature literally will not allow him to be free ever again. His worst nightmare, and what he has sacrificed almost everything to avoid... has come true..... and then physical slapstick humor.... not a good comedy setup.
Your story has dual personalities, and it doesnt mix well. You go from genocide to "'how dare you not speak to me like a lady' -hit in head with apple- -guffah-" back to eternal enslavement. Its schizophrenic, and really doesnt lend a hand to your story. Im trying to give you food for thought, so please dont hate me for this.
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However, I should also say that this is my personal opinion, not everyone thinks the way I do, nor likes the same things as I do.
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Hmmm, not a very positive review on my story I see. Allow me to defend my baby.
First off, I don't plan on lingering on the dark material, but I still wanted to include it: the setting of the human world had to be explained. It’s from an historical (albeit modified) perspective that I presented the violence that was pretty common in those times, not one that I want to be the center of my story.
Secondly your predictions are pretty far from what I intend to write. Maybe I come off as a guy writing about violence just for the sake of it... But actually I only want to produce a love story, one with adversity and dangers, but still centered around emotions.
Thirdly, about the general characterization: I have to admit that I am very inexperienced as a writer, so it is possible and probable that personalities are badly presented. It is pretty hard to define my OCs when Aurora only has a few lines of interactions with Celestia and some backstory so far, and Mès just starting to come into focus. I’ll be extra careful about this from now on.
Finally, you tell me that a story cannot contain comedy and tragedy at the same time, and here I have to strongly disagree: most of my favorite plays are tragicomedies (holy crap that sounds arrogant...). Unless you are only saying that in this case the balance is off, in which case it is a possibility. The thing is, this story will revolve around the idea of overcoming the tragedy of slavery, something that affected my family, it’s the main focus, even in the title. So telling me that this duality won’t work is like telling me to delete this story right away.
Of course I don’t hate you for your words, you took the time to give me your opinion and I welcome it, even if it’s a negative one. Maybe I should put a “sad” tag on this, but as it will not ultimately be a sad story I don’t know if I should.
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Firstly, I wouldnt put a Sad tag on it if you dont plan on making it sad. Youre fine for your tags. I also plan on continuing to read, at least for now. Your mechanics are well done, and you have a nice way of writing, both are good.
You dont plan on lingering on the dark, but you have made it a distinct part of their past. It should effect their outlook a little more. A little less trusting, more quiet, sneaky, etc. However, you still have yet to fully flesh out any characters, so I cant pass too much judgement too quickly.
I am concerned for your character Aurora. She is insanely headstrong. Literally, insanely. Just go mouthing off towards the person who saved you; especially when they are a Princess, thatll work. It all turned out ok, but she could get herself into some extremely bad situations on the run if she acted like that all the time. From the way she talks of her husband in only negative ways, then citing "I love him for some reason or another, Im not really sure why" isnt exactly healthy. Not only that, but . She seems to treat him like dirt most of the time(he seems to take a whole lot of shit from everyone so far). Speaking of the period, she could get stoned for that. Granted, Im not far into the story yet, so I shall see what happens. Im just saying what I see now.
Im not saying that comedy and tragedy cant work together... but its hard to go from tragedy to slapstick. It, to me, is a bit awkward. Im not a huge fan of slapstick in the first place, but the switch is still awkward. This weird switch is also seen when Twilight goes from "I should be afraid of this predator" to "lets piss him off even more by throwing something at his head."
Im also not saying to delete the story, Im just trying to give you another viewpoint of what youve written. I meant to recommend either going for one or the other, but that got lost in typing my little novel there. I get headstrong sometimes, so I apologize if I came off a bit brash. My predictions, I know, are a little unfounded, but there isnt much yet to go on, and I hope to read more.
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Hmmm. I think you have a very good point when it comes to the balance between the heavy stuff and the slapstick, I will have to improve on that. I won’t modify the chapters that are already published, it’s a rule I gave myself or old chapters would be updated pretty frequently... That would be annoying for those following the story. But I will take your advices into account in the future.
2466667
You dont have to if you dont want to, its your story, write waht you want. I just wanted to give you, as I said, another viewpoint. The more eyes that see something, the more accurate the picture. Your story also has mountains of potential. I hate it when I see stories that look great in the first couple chapters let a couple little flaws here and there grow into huge problems.
I dont want to say that Im an expert though, so please take what I say with a little grain of salt. Happy writing!
That, and that she had done it with her internal organs quite literally essentially hanging out of her as she did so.
Is...is it really possible? Has someone finally out-trolled the Trollestia?
Nah, she doesn't have those yet.
2489508
Funny thing is, I had written that part well before the alicornification or whatever. Seemed like a crazy idea at the time.
This chapter was fantastic, I look forward to reading more.
2490623
Glad you like it!
damit now u remind me that ill never cuddle with a pony =[
“
That's a new one, the natives probing the alien.
That and that she needs to save them for after her younger sister becomes a zombie: Mmm, hotdogs.
(Do you know what I'm referencing?)
Great chapter.
Just the right amount of awkwardness to be funny, but not to overwhelm. Good story and chapter, and I look forward to the next one.
2503804
Thank you for your comments, it’s really nice to see the reactions to particular segments.
Truly happy you are enjoying my story, the next chapter will be longer in length and in time to write... I believe that I rushed chapter 7 (I saw some errors that I will rectify when I publish 8)
2496338
So cute.
I don’t advise you to try that with a real one, they are kinda heavy. Goatlings on the other hand...
You're welcome.
I look forward to it.
Oh crap...this isn't good.
Twilight seems...oddly ooc here. It just doesn't feel like Twilight.
Flutter pets :3
2563190
I think that's a fair thing to say, yes.
I tried to write her character by looking at all the instances when she is put in front of a crazy situation, but in the end the mix may have come out very ooc. The way she acts varies a lot in the episodes themselves (lesson zero, it’s about time, feeling pinkie keen and others), the constant being that she gets kinda crazy and irrational. And unpredictable. When things calm down I may be able to get her closer to 'normal' canon. But she doesn’t usually have a crazy human blowing stuff up next to her, so...
Now the question is: is her characterisation to your liking?
Well I was curious where the conflict was going to come from. Guess I got my answer.
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Mmmmm, I'm not sure if I feel that it's consistent enough. Maybe it's not consistency that's the problem...hmmm I don't know, chapters 7/8 were the first ones where I felt like I was reading about Twilight and not some bizarro version of her. I'm still not thrilled about it but I'm not going to have time the next couple of days to go through and do reread and figure out why :/
2569731
Fair enough.
In other news it would seem that we will soon have a canon example of how Twilight reacts to humans... For better or worst.
Do moar.
2591496
I will
I LOVE this story so far. Keep up the great work!
2591573
Happy to oblige!
I’m really enjoying writing this, and your feedback puts some warm feelings inside me. I’ll do my best not to disappoint.
2591684
I like the characterization, the alternate history/universe, and really I'm loving both the husband and the wife. Though I wonder what she's going to think about Twilight's little accident?
Hell hath no fury...
2591918
… like a woman scorned. Especially this one.
This entire chapter had me lawling. First time that's happened in a long time. Congrats.
Me Gusta!
2625359
Well thanks! I had fun writing it, glad it translates to the reader
yes... this chapter pleases me. you may live.
huh how far along is aurora also i hope she dies from child birth
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She's about 5 months in.
Also why would you say that? She’s so lovable and kind and... oh wait, that doesn't sound right.
Mès reminds me a bit of Rand Al'Thor from the Wheel of Time.
Hmmmm, i've been waiting for this to continue for a while so I held off reading the last 2 chapters, shiiiiiiit twilight y u do dis? You know Aurora loves that dude :S
Still kicking?
The author left a good impression after himself, especially the characters. It is a pity, of course, that the work died a long time ago. Yes, there are some things that negatively affect, but the living characters quickly caught my attention. If the author continued further, he would become a favorite writer on Fimfiction. Alas, fate had other plans to put an end to the author.
Therefore, thank you. Whatever happens to you...