I used to write exclusively about dragons and thought unicorns were lame. Now I write about ponies. Life can be funny sometimes.
(Title: Horse/Pony of the Lanterns)
Rainbow Dash's recklessness has usually been getting her into trouble. Lately, the consequences of her impulsive decisions have finally started to catch up with her when her wing is broken and she can't afford treatment from Nurse Redheart. Rarity recommends to Twilight somepony who could be able to help with their situation and Twilight discovers a part of her friend's past.
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I liked this story. The OC was rather interesting as well.
5349537 That wasn't an OC. That was a pony from the last generation of MLP.
5352085 really? I didn't know that. Well, regardless, I think your potrayal of her was very interesting. Being the one who taught Rainbow Dash karate, and being an earth pony who uses actual magic. I also like their student-master relationship, and how Rainbow wasn't patient enough to learn Kinono's techniques properly. I think it would be interesting to see more stories of Kimono.
Greetings, word-friend! I'm LAE, of WRITE, here to give you the review of your story that you asked for. Just to let you know, I prefer to treat writers like big boys and girls. I won't pull punches for the sake of hurt feelings, but know that my advice is gathered from a long history of study and practice, and I offer up what I know in the hopes of helping you improve your craft.
So, after reading, where do we stand?
Hoo boy.
First off, I know what I'm getting before I even open the story to read it. Your description can't be handled in just seventeen-hundred words. It just can't. Not by anything less than an expert author, if it's going to be interesting. So, I'm not surprised to see that this story races downhill in much the same form as a man chasing a wheel of cheese. It's not pretty. Conveniently, most of the major characterisation problems can be summed up very easily:
- OC written about entirely from an outsider's perspective
- described as a "miracle worker"
- lives outside of normal society
- has an odd name
- her lifestyle that doesn't mesh with the canon world (seriously, there's no place for historical Japanese culture in Equestria. There just isn't.)
- is an earth pony but can inexplicably do magic (which is impossible)
- is somehow tied to canon characters via backstory
- has abilities that other ponies don't (karate? wtf, dude?) which are looked at enviously or desirably by canon characters (Dash)
Verdict: MARY SUE
Recommended action: TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
While the body may belong to a legacy character, Kimono as a whole is just entirely unrealistic, unsympthetic, and foreign to what we all know. We know barely anything about her, and what we do know just makes her seem more and more out of place. She might as well be a human OC. At least then the lifestyle, name, and dwelling would all have a plausible explanation.
Beyond that, the story really just needs to slow down. You barely even have any paragraphs with more than two sentences in them. There's no descriptive action, just talking heads and a few barebones setup descriptions. Honestly, it's like seeing an elementary school stage production, with the most minimal of backgrounds or props to try to tell a story.
And really, truly, there's just no story here. Nothing happens, there's no conflict, and nothing is overcome. Nopony grows, changes, or experiences anything. Without conflict, there is no story. Conflict IS story. As Kurt Vonnegut says, "every character must want something, even if it's only a glass of water." Kimono is a cardboard cutout.
As far as mechanics go, there's no glaring issues, but I'd still recommend inserting more breaks between paragraphs. This is the internet: you have unlimited vertical white space to use, so help your story to not look like a flat Wall-O-Text™.
Final Verdict:
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The Scores, Explained
Closing Remarks:
There's really not much I can say here, because there's so little story to try to reference. Suffice to say, as readers, the more original details you're adding, the more words we need to be able to acclimate to these new features. And if your story is about an OC, then you really need to be writing the story from their perspective.
Keep up the writing, and don't lose heart! These sorts of things only get better through practice and study, and I recommend in the future that you focus in on the point of your story before you start writing next time. Meditate on how you can craft the story to best tell that point, and if you really don't have anything to go on, I know several people—myself included—that probably wouldn't say no to offering you a helping hand along the way.
- LastAmongEquals, WRITE's Prodigal Son
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This was a good one. Short and sweet. I've always liked Kimono.
5615906
She's a G3 Pony you dolt. That hardly counts as an OC when her base character is calm, kind, but aloof.
True, she's no healer or martial artist but perhaps you should try to learn a little something about the world and the characters before you open your mouth and insert your foot.
10007549
You know, I completely forgot about that comment. This was so long ago. I kinda accepted I didn't write well as I was starting to mature. The only thing I didn't agree with was the eastern themes or martial arts not fitting in-universe. It was just weird to me at the time when you have parrellels to so many human cultures from different eras already. Not to mention that that criticsm hasn't aged well.
But thanks for the support.
10007549
The other thing was that it was always a bit of a debate wether or not G3 ponies put into G4 counted as OCs.
I think the arguement was that they weren't already existing within the show so even though they are already existing characters by name, I'd be giving them an original personality and backstory. I don't think that now since legacy characters appearing aren't exactly "original characters" and by the same logic,, somebody's Lyra would be an OC
.