5416640 WORD!

I'm sorry, I'm a bit lost, does he marry Twilight or Celestia? And whoever he DID marry please tell me when that was.

5416718

He marries Twilight, but he has sex with Celestia because Alicorns tend to get horny easily.

5416760 I don't see how that fits in the story properly. I think something has to be done, you either have one of those fics where a new character is introduced and all the ponies are attracted to him (trust me, it's been done several times), or you have a single love fiction with an actual story line versus the non-existent one in the former. Any other reasonable option would involve redoing the whole fic. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest.

I've gathered a list of errors, and upsides to the story you have created. Let us begin with the bad news.

The OC is an Alicorn.
The OC is black and red.
The OC has thestral eyes.
The OC isn't given any real personality.
The OC is the "Seventh Element of Harmony."
The OC engages in mindless (and unearned) clop.
The OC isn't given any real personality.
The OC is extremely unrealistic in all general senses.
The spelling, grammar, and punctuation are atrocious.
The sentence structure is clunky.
The pacing is not good.
The characters neither feel, nor act characteristic in any way.
The dialogue is not good at all.
There is no logical progression.
The chapters are far too short.
The clop is horribly un-detailed and reason-less.

Now, for the good news.

You have had the courage to post a story to a site filled with other people.
You had the bravery to try your hand at clop.

All and all, it is almost unfix-able. Almost, I'd do a rewrite that fixes all of the errors I've pointed out. My best advice is to go read a Fic by Whirring Gears or Crowley, just reading one of their works will help you better yourself in writing.

I do hope you listen to my advice, and have you and your family a Merry Christmas.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh my- this is so funny. If this fic is satire then hats off for trolling everyone. If not well then.......................I would be quite salty.

5408868 Sir, if I may offer you some help? I've done this kind of thing before, give or take a few kinks, and I'd honestly like to see you improve as a writer. Okay?

After reading the desc.
media.giphy.com/media/dfe8aynDFufSM/giphy.gif

Face it dude, your story is horrible! It looks like an animal had sex with a pony, then a changeling, then an alicorn! The chapters are too short, and you believe your story is awesome. Which it really isn't.

5413663
Let The Pirate King give you a little hint here, mate. The reason this seems similar isn't because this shitty story ripped off that shitty story. It's because every bloody one of these alicorn oc fics is the damned same. Trust me. I've been around and seen some shit. Every day at least one atrocity is written on this site- often times more than one- that follows exactly the same path. It's because it's a cliched, generic, and unoriginal idea for a story that needs to finally die in a hole somewhere after 4 years of suffering and lingering in the brony community.

Sigh...

Alright, if you want to seriously write a story on here, I'm going to give you some pointers on what NOT to do that you have done so here, and give reasons why:

- Alicorn OC = No, just... They're bloody overdone to shit, and what's more is that everyone and their mothers seems to think that being an Alicorn OC just instantly means they become to greatest thing in the world and universe, doesn't work like that.
- OC is Black and Red = ... Read the above answer, combining the two is a spawn of Satan's nightmares.
- Pointless Clop = Okay, so you decided to try your hand at Clop, problems with that: There was no lead up to it, the clop was unearned (Celestia just fucked him for NO bloody reason whatsoever, no explanations), the clop was sloppily written (Being brutally honest here), and it lead to nothing in the end if what you've told us in the comments is true.
- "Seventh Element of Harmony" = ... The show has shown us that there are 6, any form of canon continuity has told us there is 6, 'Oh, a mysterious pony who is an Alicorn and used to be an alien shows up and now there's a seventh element we didn't know about' No, just no.
- Character's don't act like themselves = This is what's referred to as OOC, Out of Character, when writing fanfiction, you want the characters to act like themselves. Oh? Can't make your love story happen because the pony you want your OC to love wouldn't go for a pony like your OC? Character development exists for a reason, you can develop these characters to have something special, but it takes time and build up, you can't just have OOC for the sake of bullshit love and romance.
- No real plot = Okay, so this human is in Equestria and is a Black and Red Alicorn OC. Now what? What happens from here? Is there an ancient evil looking to destroy said Alicorn? If it's just 'Oh my OC just spends time in Ponyville hanging out with all the ponies and the Mane 6' Stop, there's no plot, and literally not a whole lot of room for development, there has to be at least SOME presence of a story going on, and it doesn't have to be the ancient evil thing either, maybe Chrysalis invades Equestria again to take the love from Black Night because Alicorn's love is a LOT stronger than regular ponies? Honestly, literally anything can work, except for a plotless story. Even settle for an overdone plot if you have to.

BUT I do have some good points for you:

- You actually posted this = Good job, you actually thought this was good enough to be posted for others to see and comment on, that shows an extreme amount of balls dude, kudos for that.
- You seem really invested in this = You sound like you want to keep going, see this thing through until the end. Good. Don't end it halfway because you 'ran out of ideas', if that happens, put it on hiatus until you can write again.

In all honesty, I'm going to give this story a follow, I want to see if you'll improve and take the advice of not just me, but anyone else who is giving you some feedback to improve with, good luck for future writing.

5424853

THIS. IS. NOT. A. TROLLFIC!!!!!

I put much time into this fanfic, so stop critisicing it and get the f**k out!!!!

5435566 Sir/Madam (not sure which yet), I've made the same mistake as you did. I only wish to help.

5435692

WHY DOO YOU WANNA KNOW MY GENDER???/1 ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE!!>!>!>!?!?!?

5435698 No, I'm not a pedophile. I'm only saying I wasn't sure what gender you were, and that I would like to aid with helping your story get better.

5435702
Can Iz also have the help on my Alicorn story about my super kool OC Demon Bash?

5435713

You have an OC? I wanna seeee!

I like the story author. plz make mare!

5435713 One person at a time please. I can't be everywhere at once (bandwidth won't allow it.)
5435718 I have one too, but I'll only show her if you let me help you out. Deal or no deal?

5435718
He very dark and black, like my nextdoor nabor (He scare me tho). He also kind of red like blood. He want to take over equstria with the help of main 6 against evil Celistia!

5435726
Help me first, bro guy!

5435732 Hmmm...let me see....

5435752

5435728

I like your OC very much! Don't let anyone hate on your OC.

Can we do a collab with our OCs? It'll be so much fun!!!

5435798 May I aid in helping salvage your story, please?

Now you're story isn't awful. Confusing though. There isn't any conflict , or an antagonist. Also what are you going to do with the element of bravery sub-plot? Is it going to be brought up but never used? Will the element act as some sort of life force?

You have neat ideas. Like the seventh element thing. But you have to use them. Or at least explain some backstory.

The OC needs a sort of personality. Is he the nerd? The southern sterotype? The shy one? The loyal one? The funny one? Or maybe the average joe.

5435798
Yes, we can do the colab. Hit me with you letter of wanting on the site.

A cover art of a red and black alicorn OC made from pony creator is never a good sign of a great story... or even a good one.

I'm guessing this is a trollfic from a troll account because this is a joke. From what i see, you managed to put every single wish fulfillment cliche out there in this story. Plus the fact that this is we all see the pair of tags that we all know and love. Mature + Sex

This is a joke.

Please send any criticism to me! I want to improve!

I doubt it since you deleted almost half of the comments in here.

Okay. You're either a really dedicated troll, or you're one of the dumbest of dumbasses to ever grace this site. And I want it to be option A, because I really want to believe no one combines this exact note-for-note badfic formula with this exact note-for-note bad behavior unironically.

Like, I'd be more convinced of your legitimacy based ONLY on your tantrum, because this is something I've seen countless times before. But these days, every "human/red-and-black-alicorn self-insert OC comes to Equestria and befriends/fucks everyone he sees" story is written either by a troll, as a parody, or by an author who genuinely doesn't know better and is willing to learn from their mistakes.

But no, you're being a shitcunt about everything, on top of having a story that's terrible in such a cliched and unoriginal way that it HAD to be on purpose. If this comment even still exists next time I see this story, I MAY humor a conversation with you to try and sort this out if you're even REMOTELY legit.