Just another Bi Brony who just loves to read, also writes anything that pops up in mah head
In the future, Where Equestria had been left to ruin, The Main 6 had been disbanded. They were left to do things that weren't exactly done for harmony.
Twilight is now an outlaw living in the woods, Experimenting on poor souls that got lost in them. Applejack, associated with her family & Flam, try to take revenge for Flim. Twilight's experiment finally paid off, But it would be the death of her
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As one of my friends stated: the title is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is something there, something that can be interesting. A gem of potential, if you will.
Unfortunately, the writing itself leaves a lot to be desired. I'd recommend getting a proofreader or two, probably an editor as well.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Right off the bat I can tell you two things: stay in school and get an editor and/or a proofreader (both editor and proofreader are links to choice groups, by the way. Use them!). If your description is this chock-full of errors then your story is going nowhere. A story's description is one of the main hooks that will grab your readers and entice them to read your story. No one is enticed by improper capitalization and poor sentence structuring. Even with the fixing I've done above, you still need to put a lot more into that description to make it passable. A bad description is the harbinger of a bad story, and nobody likes a bad story.
As well, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with a chapter count of only 1,062. Sure, it's passable for the site, but only barely. Aim for a minimum of 1,200 words per chapter.
As a final pre-story note, unless you drew the coverart it's common courtesy to credit an artist in the description.
Now, onto the story!
We don't care and even if we did, that's no excuse. All writing this does is entice more people to hate you for falling back on the old adage of: "it's my first story, don't hate it." Unless it's good we are going to hate it and writing something like this only draws in trolls like vultures to carrion. Get rid of it.
Don't use shortcut signs like this. It takes next to zero effort at all to write 'and' instead of '&'. Using the & sign just looks lazy.
Don't play around with tense like this. Previously you'd been using past tense (words like 'was' and 'said' instead of 'is' and 'says'), don't change randomly to present tense like this.
If it's the same character speaking, you don't start a new paragraph. As well, there's a plethora of mistakes here and there; mostly "its vs. it's" and random word capitalization. These can be fixed rather easily by an editor, which you should get. In addition, description is tame and lifeless and this makes for a dull read. For example:
Versus:
See the difference? And to be fair, a lot less telling and a lot more showing would also make this a far more interesting read. For example:
Versus:
See the difference? This isn't something that one can just pick up. An editor and proofreader can be of great help here as well, so be sure to grab a couple. Additionally, reading can be of a great help if done in excess.
Why is she taking her Frankenstein monster out for a walk if he just said he couldn't use his legs? Throwing him up against a band of what I assume are armed and dangerous ponies is a fast way to get her monster killed. Logical flaw detected: she ought to start smaller and work her way up to real combat. Hell, she could grab another lost pony and force him to kill it, using torture or whatnot to get him to do so.
So yeah.
The writing was boring, unimaginative, and quite weak. At no point did I really get a solid mental image of the scenery or characters therein. You could create a much better story if you had Twilight condition Rotten Flesh into being a killer through torture and mental mind-fuckery. Just having him go into 'psycho killer mode' whenever the story demands it is a cheap shortcut. As said before, the story does have some interesting potential, but it's wasted here with poor execution. Get some editors and proofreaders to help you make the story shine, and perhaps try a few practice stories while you're at it. Stick with one-shots and canon characters, just putting them through some conflict or situation to get ahold of how to write a proper scenario.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
If Rotten Flesh was overtaken by a sudden urge to kill other ponies, why didn't that instinct kick in when he saw Twilight?