The Failed Experiment

by Blackfyre

Humble Beginnings

Author's Note:

Hello everypony! this is my first book i have ever published here so please don't hate me if it's terrible!

It was a dark, stormy night in the ruins of ponyville, a certain purple pony was doing a 'Project'

"Where is it? Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!?" Twilight said as she was searching through the piles of bodies. Then Spike showed up with a fresh brain. But Spike looked different, he was taller, with a strange device on his head. His eyes were drooping & his back was slouched as if he was a zombie.

Twilight then looked back at her home, Feeling a bit embarrassed. It was filthy and unorganized. A thing that was very alien to Twilight, It has been many years. A lot can happen at that time though.

"Yes! Thank you Spike!!" She squealed. Her horn glowed with magic as she used it to grab the brain from the Purple Dragon's hands. She went to a metal table, rust and blood all over it. Twilight used her magic again, this time piecing up a body on the table with various body parts then sewing it up. She took a head from the pile of bodies, it was missing a jaw, so she took one out from the pile then proceeded to sew it up.

As Twilight was sewing the body, she saw the sky was starting to clear up slowly, so Twilight hurried her sewing but she knew she had to leave it like that. Only a small part had been sewn, from the jaw to a few inches of the cheek. She took a moment to admire her handiwork, It had a mare-like muzzle, it's left eye was Purple while the other which was sewed up was green, It's Torso had a Y-like Surgeon's cut on it which was sewed up. His torso as well as his right foreleg was pale, His other foreleg was Green, his left back leg was Dark grey & his other one was red. Twilight then pulled the chains to raise the metal table to the top.

"Flick the switch, Spike!" Twilight commanded. Spike did as he was told. All of the sudden lightning erupted and hit the corpse making it twitch from the electrical shock. A few minutes later the storm clouds had cleared up as Twilight lowered the platform. The body twitched to life as it's eyes struck open, Spike came close to the metal table to examine Twilight's handiwork. The living corpse stared at twilight who was smiling in delight then at Spike.

"It worked...." Twilight mumbled.

"Hello, son, can you speak?" She asked

"Y-yes" The body said shakily and shocked that he was breathing again.

"Can you walk?" She asked again.

The Stallion tried to stand up from the metal table but he was only able to stay still for a few seconds before his legs gave up.

"N-no..."He replied. Twilight smiled and pondered a bit as to why his legs were still weak, she thought t was that not much blood has gotten to them.

"Well, I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is my friend, Spike" She said warmly as Spike waved at him. "From now on, you'll be named 'Rotten Flesh'!" She added

The stallion didn't like his new name much but he stuck to it all the way. He looked down to see a puddle of water reflecting his face. Showing a grim and unending smile stuck to his face. He was about to protest about it until a strange beeping was heard Interrupted Oh no, this is not a perfect time for a fucking patrol, wait, this is a perfect time to hone his skills in killing! Twilight thought.

"What was that?" Rotten Flesh asked, slightly skeptic.

"Come with me, we've got business to attend to..." She smirked, a sudden familiar aura surrounded them, Twilight's horn sparked, & the next moment they were in the woods.

"Get down...!"Twilight gripped her revised torture weapon which was a fishing line perfect for strangulation. Rotten Flesh then proceeded to duck down.

".... Alright, none of you are to split up from your partner & if you do see the target, Do not engage. You shall report back. Are we clear?" A stern voice commanded.

"Yes sir!" four other voices said

"Ok, you take the group of three while i take the other ones out" She planned, a grin plastering on her face as she left. Rotten flesh wasn't really a cold blooded killer, much less like seeing the sight of blood. But a sudden rush came over him, making him crave for blood & flesh. He sprinted towards the group of three, tackling the leader of the group making him fall to the ground while the other two ponies were frozen in fear. Rotten Flesh looked at him with dilated pupils & horrifying smile which made his lower jaw hang by a thread Literally. The pony below him was terrified, shaking vigorously, a hint of fear in his eyes. Rotten Flesh's tongue hanging down then started to lick the poor sod.

"P-please have m-mercy!" He stuttered out.

"No Mercy for the weak!" He said in a more terrifying voice as he gnawed off the stallion's head, fitting it wholly in his mouth, the two others were about to run before they were both pushed down by Rotten Flesh & Twilight. She had started to strangle the other one while she watched Rotten Flesh bit through the flesh of his pony. She was very impressed at her work, she smirked & when the job was finished, they went back to her lab.

Once they got back, Rotten Flesh had started thinking of how & why he brutally murdered another pony, he was in a state of mass confusion & was about to ask until he was interrupted yet again.

"You better get some rest, we've got a lot of work to do tomorrow!" She put a blanket over him, gesturing him to sleep. He did sleep, still wondering what happened.

"Spike, get me my notes, we've got a lot of work ahead of us...." Twilight stated as she left the room.

Comments

[Dementia Ravenmane]

As one of my friends stated: the title is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There is something there, something that can be interesting. A gem of potential, if you will.

Unfortunately, the writing itself leaves a lot to be desired. I'd recommend getting a proofreader or two, probably an editor as well.

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[Warren Peace]

In the future, Where Equestria had has been left to ruin, The and the Main 6 Six had have been disbanded. They were left to do things that weren't exactly done for harmony.

Twilight is now an outlaw living in the woods, Experimenting experimenting on poor souls that got lost in them. Applejack, associated with her family & and Flam, try to take revenge for Flim. Twilight's experiment finally paid off, But but it would be the death of her.

Right off the bat I can tell you two things: stay in school and get an editor and/or a proofreader (both editor and proofreader are links to choice groups, by the way. Use them!). If your description is this chock-full of errors then your story is going nowhere. A story's description is one of the main hooks that will grab your readers and entice them to read your story. No one is enticed by improper capitalization and poor sentence structuring. Even with the fixing I've done above, you still need to put a lot more into that description to make it passable. A bad description is the harbinger of a bad story, and nobody likes a bad story.

As well, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with a chapter count of only 1,062. Sure, it's passable for the site, but only barely. Aim for a minimum of 1,200 words per chapter.

As a final pre-story note, unless you drew the coverart it's common courtesy to credit an artist in the description.

Now, onto the story!

Author's Note:
Hello everypony! this is my first book i I have ever published here so please don't hate me if it's terrible!

We don't care and even if we did, that's no excuse. All writing this does is entice more people to hate you for falling back on the old adage of: "it's my first story, don't hate it." Unless it's good we are going to hate it and writing something like this only draws in trolls like vultures to carrion. Get rid of it.

His eyes were drooping & and his back was slouched as if he was a zombie.

Don't use shortcut signs like this. It takes next to zero effort at all to write 'and' instead of '&'. Using the & sign just looks lazy.

A thing that was very alien to Twilight, It has had been many years.

Don't play around with tense like this. Previously you'd been using past tense (words like 'was' and 'said' instead of 'is' and 'says'), don't change randomly to present tense like this.

"It worked...." Twilight mumbled., then spoke up to the creature, "Hello, son, can you speak?" She asked

If it's the same character speaking, you don't start a new paragraph. As well, there's a plethora of mistakes here and there; mostly "its vs. it's" and random word capitalization. These can be fixed rather easily by an editor, which you should get. In addition, description is tame and lifeless and this makes for a dull read. For example:

She went to a metal table, rust and blood all over it.

Versus:

She trotted over to a metallic table set in the corner of the room. Its surface was patch-marked and stained with creeping rust and browned, old bloodstains.

See the difference? And to be fair, a lot less telling and a lot more showing would also make this a far more interesting read. For example:

It was filthy and unorganized.

Versus:

Long-abused books and old crumbling scrolls lay littered like the careless droppings of some wild beast. Both shared the filthy floor strewn with old garbage that hadn't quite made it to the trash bin.

See the difference? This isn't something that one can just pick up. An editor and proofreader can be of great help here as well, so be sure to grab a couple. Additionally, reading can be of a great help if done in excess.

Rotten flesh Flesh wasn't really a cold blooded killer, much less like seeing the sight of blood.

Why is she taking her Frankenstein monster out for a walk if he just said he couldn't use his legs? Throwing him up against a band of what I assume are armed and dangerous ponies is a fast way to get her monster killed. Logical flaw detected: she ought to start smaller and work her way up to real combat. Hell, she could grab another lost pony and force him to kill it, using torture or whatnot to get him to do so.

So yeah.

The writing was boring, unimaginative, and quite weak. At no point did I really get a solid mental image of the scenery or characters therein. You could create a much better story if you had Twilight condition Rotten Flesh into being a killer through torture and mental mind-fuckery. Just having him go into 'psycho killer mode' whenever the story demands it is a cheap shortcut. As said before, the story does have some interesting potential, but it's wasted here with poor execution. Get some editors and proofreaders to help you make the story shine, and perhaps try a few practice stories while you're at it. Stick with one-shots and canon characters, just putting them through some conflict or situation to get ahold of how to write a proper scenario.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)

[TheIrisianPrincess]

If Rotten Flesh was overtaken by a sudden urge to kill other ponies, why didn't that instinct kick in when he saw Twilight?