Chester the Cynical Adult goes to Ponyville

by Bandy

Chester tazes a bitch and looks at horse penises

"Is this the right spell?"

"No."

"How about this one?"

"No!"

"Well what about this-"

"Chester, I swear to Celestia if you don't stop I will - I will - Augh!"

Twilight eagerly slammed her face into the desk, impaling the oak table and the book that was on it. Celestia, who was tearing through books at a slightly faster pace than her lavender student, turned a tired eye to the antics.

"Twilight, just forget about him. We need to focus on finding this spell." Her voice was strained, the obvious side effect of a rushed study session with Twilight and Chester.

Chester wasn't really helping, though. He had long ago disregarded the sizable pile of books at his feet (because, as he said, "Books are really, really gay."), instead opting to badger his study buddies incessantly as they tried to find the right combination of spells that would send him back to earth.

Twilight couldn't wait for the glorious moment that Chester went back to his own world, never to return.

This whole debacle has been absolutely awful, she thought as she encapsulated another stack of dusty, musty spell books in a magical glow, levitating them to her side. As soon as the books thudded onto the table she began to devour them, dragging her eyes across the various pages with strained vigor.

As time wore on, though, her vigor began to wane, slowly melting away like butter in a hot pan. With a thunk, her head slid down onto the table and gently came to rest against the still sizable pile of tomes next to her.

The princess was faring no better. Although she was still searching through books at a considerable pace, the signs of fatigue showed on her features. Dark bags outlined by her pristine white fur sat complacently under her eyes. Every so often, she would let out a stifled yawn. She hardly looked regal in this state.

Chester didn't exactly make things easier, either.

"Hey, come on you slowpokes! I don't want to stay in gay ponyland forever!"

His shouts fell on deaf ears as Twilight allowed her mind to slip into sleep. A short power nap, she thought. That's all I need. Just a quick-

BA-ZAP! Click-click-click-click-click-click

The pain was indescribable, a resounding blast of pure hurt that threatened to send her into uncontrollable spasms. Electricity coursed through her veins, sending wild arcs of prickling voltage through her hooves. Her fur stood on end, and her mane exploded in a massive, frizzy tuft of hair.

Mercifully, the pain stopped after a few agonizing seconds. As Twilight collapsed onto the table, she noticed her mane was smoking. Several small, stray bolts of lightning arced out of her horn briefly before dying with a sputter.

"No rest, sleepy head!" Through a muddled haze of pain and electricity, she looked up to see Chester standing over her. He was twirling a tiny black box with two stubby prongs attached at the front in his hands. "Or do I have to taze you again?"

Twilight was about to respond, but she was silenced as the tired yet imposing shadow of Celestia crept behind Chester. In one swift motion, the goddess of the sun grabbed the box with her magic vice and crushed it, the resounding crunch echoing through the tree home.

"Aw, come on! Don't be that guy!" Chester's childlike pleas were lost on the solar deity as she wordlessly thrust a hoof at a large, unread pile of books.

The two stood there for a moment, mustering the most vile, despicable glares they could summon at each other, their stares so horrifying it made the very tree that they stood in shutter in fright.

Finally, Chester backed down. As he turned toward the books, he muttered something cold under his breath.

"Care to repeat that?" said Celestia.

"I said, 'You're a royal cunt muffi-"

WHAP

A rather large, dusty tome slammed into his face at terminal velocity. The impact was so forceful that the raised font on the cover stamped itself into his forehead. As Chester stumbled about woozily, the words "Written by Prof. Charge" pressed into his skull, he managed to strangle out a choked, "Gaaaaay..." before gravity took hold of his body, flinging him down onto the hardwood floor.

Celestia suddenly remembered why it was called "hardwood" as Chester's head smacked solidly against the floor, guaranteeing the fact that he would be out for a while. She turned to face the thrower of the book with pursed lips. "Twilight! Was that really necessary? I think you might have really hurt him!"

The purple unicorn held a look of cold indifference at the human for a moment. Then, her glare softened into a sympathetically guilty stare. She sighed. "I guess you're right, princess. I lost my head, and took it out on him." She walked over to Chester's limp form and placed her horn against his head.

For a moment, the room was enveloped in a cozy, inviting light. Twilight squinted a bit over the flash. Then, just as quickly as it appeared, the light faded. In its place was a conscious but woozy Chester. He was in a sitting position with his legs splayed out in front of him, his head resting in his hands.

"Chester," spoke Twilight, "I'd like to apologize for hitting you earlier. My emotions got the better of me, and I took out my pent up frustrations on you." In a gesture of sincere humility, she went on a knee in front of the confused human. "I only hope that my apology is accepted."

For a moment, nobody moved. She remained kneeling in front of the disoriented human, her horn pointing directly at his torso. As tall as she was, the human was still a good head taller than her when kneeling.

Chester let out a growl, but seemed to realize not to provoke the purple pony anymore, lest he earn another book to the face. Finally, he grumbled a brief, "...Whatever." Still nursing the large bruise on his face, he shrugged apathetically, mumbling a silent string of profanity under his breath as he glared daggers into the unicorn. With a grunt he wobbled to the closest wall, leaning on it for purchase (he was still pretty woozy, after all).

As he did, though, a peculiar thing happened. A small square panel of the wall, seamlessly integrated into the rest of the tree, slid inward as Chester unknowingly leaned into it. as the surprised human attempted to push off from the wall, the entire section of tree next to Chester folded in on itself, revealing a cleverly hidden cubbyhole built into the side of the wall.

As the wall that Chester was leaning on disappeared, he lost his footing and tumbled into the hidey-hole hole with a yelp and a thud.

Immediately, the two equines were at the gaping entrance to the cubbyhole, staring into the darkness. "Chester, are you okay?"

From inside, a thin, raspy reply of, "gaaaaaay," trickled out of Chester's lips.

The ponies gave each other a look, muttering in tandem, "He's fine." They returned their looks to the cubbyhole to find Chester clawing his way out-

-of a massive pile of collapsed books. "What... the... fuck," he screamed, "is with all these stupid books?"

The princess moved to help him. "Hang on, we'll get you-"

"No!"

Both the princess and the human turned their confused gazes to Twilight, who had walled herself up between Celestia and the hidey-hole. Her eyes were wide with desperation. "We don't need to look in there! And we certainly don't need to look at any of these books!"

Princess Celestia cocked her head to one side, giving her student a curious look. "But Twilight, I never said anything about looking at any books."

"Eep!" With a squeak, the unicorn slapped a hoof over her muzzle. "I-I mean... Uh-You know what? You’re absolutely right!"

"Are we?"

"Yes!" She gave her teacher a clearly forced grin. "These books clearly aren't important to us for our research. So," she levitated Chester out of the hole with haste (much to his annoyance) and unceremoniously dumped him onto the floor with a thwack, "We should just ignore it and get back to work!"

Twilight valiantly attempted to close the gaping hole in the wall, but was stopped as the princess laid a firm hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight? What has gotten into you? What’s in this cubby that’s so important?”

“Uh - nothing important-”

Celestia nodded half-heartedly. “Maybe I should just go take a look.”

Twilight lunged forward, but it was too late. “Princess no!”

Nudging her student aside, the goddess dove into the collapsed stack of books, scanning over titles at random. Nopony spoke as the princess began to skim through the titles at her feet. Even Chester, who was nursing several rather large bruises, kept kept his mouth shut, patiently awaiting the inevitable shitstorm that was about to come over the library.

“...Twilight...” the alicorn finally poked her head out, a confused and slightly perturbed look on her face. “I would like an explanation, please.”

As the aforementioned shitstorm loomed on the horizon, Chester let out a girly squeal. “Oh, this is gonna be good!” He pulled up a chair and looked on with joyous anticipation.

Meanwhile, Twilight was quickly wilting under the harsh stare of princess Celestia. “So... princess... see any good movies lately?”

“Twilight, this is not in any way funny.” Her horn lit up as several dusty books floated out of the cubby. “Combat spells? Advanced dark magic?” She shook her head shamefully. “These types of books have been banned for nearly four centuries! And with good reason!”

“But princess, I just wanted to expand my knowledge-”

“Not about this.” Celestia opened a book and flinched as she scanned the pages of demonic refute. “Lazer beams? Trans-dimensional portals? Life drain auras-” as she flipped through the book, a worn old magazine fell out from between the pages. Staring at the fallen pages, she muttered to herself, “Is that a Playmare?”

“Ooh! Porn!” Immediately Chester went on the offensive, barreling his way through the two ponies and snatching up the magazine. “Chester takes the precious!” he hissed. “I wonder if it’s-” His lustful smirk suddenly shattered into a horrified stare as he went right to the centerfold - a three page spread on Soarin’ the Wonderbolt.

He felt something break inside of him as he defensively pulled out a lighter and incinerated the offending periodical. “Trogdooooor!” he screamed as the nudie-mag went up in flames.

“Hey, that was a first edition! You’ll pay for that!” The suddenly enraged unicorn pounced on the pyromaniac human and beat her hooves against his chest wildly.

As Twilight and Chester duked it out, Celestia had a mild revelation of sorts. She turned her attention from the interdimensional fighters to the banned book her student was hoarding. “Lazer beams... life-drain auras... trans-dimensional portals!” Of course! How could I have missed that the first time?”

“Twilight! Chester!” The princess's shout rattled the two brawlers. “Stop your fighting. I may have just found something that can help get Chester home.”

“Aw, but Princess!” the unicorn nagged, “I was about to break his windpipe with my magic!”

“There will be time for that later. But now,” a malevolent smirk sprouted on her face, “it's time I taught you a little more about dark magic."

---

Hey, it's the author. Let me just make two thing abundantly clear. One, there are only two more chapters. Whoopee. Second, this is just a side project, so don't expect super consistant updates. Third, hory sheet Chester tazed Twilight wasn't that so super awesome?!

Comments

[Bandy]

I didn't really proofread this too much. If you see any errors, feel free to write about them in a well-thought out letter, put said letter in an envelope, and send it to Poultron. I'm sure he'll love to hear about it.

[Diabolic Gnome]

LOL Chester so silly

[Cry Havoc]

I face palmed so many times during this I fear I may have a concussion....

[DudeBroBrony]

It's as if an embodiment of the internet went to Equestria. And it's pretty fuckin' good.

[Sarkastik Menace]

dont you dare send him back, or i swear to celestia. . . maybe... SEND ANOTHER TROLL OVER

[Bandy]

755269 Just for that little outburst, I'm gonna send him back.

[Sarkastik Menace]

755475 you were anyway, i mean... i thought it was obvious... ending such a fabulous trollfic before he can troll everypony, brings a tear to my eye... in the words of queen chrysalis... FEEED

[Quantum_Shift]

Darn it, you're failing!
I am more entertained than offended!
And that offends me!

But, uhm, not enough to tip the balance of Entertained to Offended.

I came to be offended, gad buck it!

[Elitist Scum]

hahahhahaha, oh Brony, I love this chapter... hilarious

[IncoherentOrange]

757794 Aheheh, me too. Not offended. I am amused by the antics of this Band Brony.

“Trogdooooor!” That was too funny.