• Member Since 23rd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen March 27th

Phantomslayer230


An aspiring writer just looking to make his mark.

T

5 years ago, Prism Bolt's whole life changed. His little brother left home, he got the job of his dreams, and he got married. But one day while flying with his wife Whirlwind, he comes across a Pegasus stallion who is badly hurt. When the stallion shows reluctance to trust Prism, he will need the help of his friends to uncover the past of this stallion and the truth behind why he doesn't trust anyone.

Takes place 5 years after the events of LuminoZero's "Storm Wardens".

OC's from Kilala97, Borsuq, as well as my own OC

Editor: ZeroPony55 (thanks for putting up with my crappy grammar)

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 23 )

INteresting story. I liked the recap chapters. I can't wait to read a bit more about this mysterious pony.

EPP

You should add this story to Kilala fan works group on fimfiction.

Nice Story, but I found a error. Near the very start you said I when it should be it

There are a lot of errors here. You really need to get someone to proofread and edit. The story's set-up isn't bad, but it definitely needs to be read and edited by someone with some good knowledge of grammar and writing conventions. Writing's a process, and the only way to get better is to keep doing it, but it's never a bad idea to learn some of the mechanics from someone who's done it for longer.

I highly suggest getting an editor

That was funny. Man Flare has anger issues. I can't wait to see how he knows Bltiz. I liked how you sicked the two nurses on him. That was great to read. Good job with this chapter. I can't wait to read what happens next.

I think the use of the word "babe" should be toned down.

This is getting good. Great job. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Ok great. Now I don't know if you want me to said your mistakes here or I'll PM you for now I say it here hope you don't mind (you can of course hide this message).

At the very start do you mean it was a bright beautiful Saturday instead of

I was a bright beautiful Saturday

If I say I don't to talk about something.

Don't you mean, If I say I don't want to talk about something.

When he reached the main room he saywa light yellow Pegasus mare with a long pink mane sitting on the couch.

I have no idea on what you mean for saywam, and pegasus doesn't have to be capital.

"Fluttershy just did you a huge favor out of the goodness of her heart and give her a simple 'thank you' and stormed off. What kind of pony does that?

after the and it should be you gave her simple 'thank you' and then stormed off.

The only reason Flare was showing any trust in him was because it benefited himself?

You don't need the question mark a period can just do.

It was a mares voice.

Almost had it but it like this: It was a mare's voice. Also you should combine the sentence after it with a comma. It was a mare's voice, kind of high pitched. It's really an English thing and my Com 11 teacher is going to hunt me down if I don't mention this, but then again she doesn't know I'm doing this.

He could hear the energy in her voice. And she didn't stop screaming.

There's no point to either having a period then starting with and. Either get rid of the period or change the start of the sentence but I would get rid of the period.

Well we were, but I got that letter from my mom asking for help

You don't need this sentence since Annie already told Prism that she got a letter but do keep the parts after it.

Just spending time with family.

Spending time with my family

everything fell silent. as the group of friends looked at T in awe

Capitals after periods or starting a new line.

Prism nodded his head, and Annie continued. "That guy is a jerk. How do you know him?"

Nothings wrong with this line but I should said you should put line with the one before it. I got sort of confuse on who was talking but that probably just me reading too fast.
Ok umm even if you're speaking you should capital it.

And since the torch has been passed, I will do whatever I can to befriend this stallion.

there's starting with and.

Remember to capital which includes your title, and I know at one point you forgot to capital at one point, I think it was a A

(Sorry for making it this long)

5336688 thanks for letting me know. I will fix that stuff when i have a chance.

Nice chapter. I love the bliss world. Great job.

Well i just thought you might like me to show you around town before you completely shut me out.

"I" should always be capitalized.

He saw town hall, the Ponyville Clinic, The Carousel Boutique, Princess Twilight's castle, And around noon they arrived at their final destination, Sugar Cube Corner.

Town hall should be capitalized and "the" in "The Carousel Boutique" is lower case and now my nick pick. Every time I see a list of locations I can't help but think Flare saw these places in order which means they have to do some back tracking. It really just me but what about Sweet Apples Acres.

No offense ms. but i would like to try one of your treats so I can go home and nap.

Ms. should be capitalized

"These people are weird."

I'm not these type of people who are annoy with words like people or someone but people are literally define as humans. Also it makes more sense with ponies.

Pinkie was hardly able to contain he excitement

Pinkie was hardly able to contain her excitement

"*giggle* I see you enjoy my cupcakes as well." Pinkie smirked

Nothings wrong with it but hearing her say enjoy my cupcakes reminds me of Cupcakes.

It was nice meeting you candy.

Candy should be capitalizard

That's about it, great that you're improving it's really just nick pick things really but still loving it.

Thank you for the new chapter. Nice twist with Icy. I wonder what the warden have with out mystery peagus's past. I guess we will find out soon. Great job.

ponyville clinic

Capitalize Ponyville and your I's.

he remembered why he had waited this long to come back.

So why did he waited this long. Is it the murder joke that should even be in a hospital but still this isn't explain.

Also why does Flare care all of the sudden for Prism's whereabouts. Further more that assuming he's a fan or wanting to join the Storm Wardens how is he not aware. He had to know it was Prism the founder. He's famous as a Wonderbolt and there's probably something in that newspaper about the Wonderbolt

That's about it, great job.

Have you asked bico-kun of deviantArt, or Bico as known on Fimfiction, to do a cover art for you?

>5541152 no. I didn't know he did covor art. My biggest concern is that i can't really afford to pay anyone.

5541391 He doesn't charge anything. Just ask him and tell him it involves kiala97's characters then he'll probably get to work on it (assuming he his Sergeant Major doesn't order him around in Fort Hood).

5552745 haven't talked to him yet. I've a bit busy bit i'll plan on talking with him tonight if i can. So we'll see

"Mom don't ruin the moment."
"Sorry Candy, it's already done."
"*hmmph* Well no matter. I Cotton Candy, eldest daughter of Pinkamena Dian Pie. Shall not rest until the stallion known as..............what's his name?" Candy asked Prism.
"Flare Blitz."
"Until the stallion known as Flare Blitz has at least one friend in Ponyville."
"And how do you plan on doing that?" Prism asked genuinely curious.
"I have no idea." Candy replied excitedly.
T leaned over and whispered into Del's ear. "This should be good."
"mm-hmm." Del replied cracking a smile.

that ending though xD an intresting story so far :twilightsmile:

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