5 years ago, Prism Bolt's whole life changed. His little brother left home, he got the job of his dreams, and he got married. But one day while flying with his wife Whirlwind, he comes across a Pegasus stallion who is badly hurt. When the stallion shows reluctance to trust Prism, he will need the help of his friends to uncover the past of this stallion and the truth behind why he doesn't trust anyone.
Takes place 5 years after the events of LuminoZero's "Storm Wardens".
OC's from Kilala97, Borsuq, as well as my own OC
Editor: ZeroPony55 (thanks for putting up with my crappy grammar)
Chapters (6)
INteresting story. I liked the recap chapters. I can't wait to read a bit more about this mysterious pony.
Nice Story, but I found a error. Near the very start you said I when it should be it
Fixed. Thanks
There are a lot of errors here. You really need to get someone to proofread and edit. The story's set-up isn't bad, but it definitely needs to be read and edited by someone with some good knowledge of grammar and writing conventions. Writing's a process, and the only way to get better is to keep doing it, but it's never a bad idea to learn some of the mechanics from someone who's done it for longer.
I highly suggest getting an editor
That was funny. Man Flare has anger issues. I can't wait to see how he knows Bltiz. I liked how you sicked the two nurses on him. That was great to read. Good job with this chapter. I can't wait to read what happens next.
I think the use of the word "babe" should be toned down.
This is getting good. Great job. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Ok great. Now I don't know if you want me to said your mistakes here or I'll PM you for now I say it here hope you don't mind (you can of course hide this message).
At the very start do you mean it was a bright beautiful Saturday instead of
Don't you mean, If I say I don't want to talk about something.
I have no idea on what you mean for saywam, and pegasus doesn't have to be capital.
after the and it should be you gave her simple 'thank you' and then stormed off.
You don't need the question mark a period can just do.
Almost had it but it like this: It was a mare's voice. Also you should combine the sentence after it with a comma. It was a mare's voice, kind of high pitched. It's really an English thing and my Com 11 teacher is going to hunt me down if I don't mention this, but then again she doesn't know I'm doing this.
There's no point to either having a period then starting with and. Either get rid of the period or change the start of the sentence but I would get rid of the period.
You don't need this sentence since Annie already told Prism that she got a letter but do keep the parts after it.
Spending time with my family
Capitals after periods or starting a new line.
Nothings wrong with this line but I should said you should put line with the one before it. I got sort of confuse on who was talking but that probably just me reading too fast.
Ok umm even if you're speaking you should capital it.
there's starting with and.
Remember to capital which includes your title, and I know at one point you forgot to capital at one point, I think it was a A
(Sorry for making it this long)
5336688 thanks for letting me know. I will fix that stuff when i have a chance.
Nice chapter. I love the bliss world. Great job.
"I" should always be capitalized.
Town hall should be capitalized and "the" in "The Carousel Boutique" is lower case and now my nick pick. Every time I see a list of locations I can't help but think Flare saw these places in order which means they have to do some back tracking. It really just me but what about Sweet Apples Acres.
Ms. should be capitalized
I'm not these type of people who are annoy with words like people or someone but people are literally define as humans. Also it makes more sense with ponies.
Pinkie was hardly able to contain her excitement
Nothings wrong with it but hearing her say enjoy my cupcakes reminds me of Cupcakes.
Candy should be capitalizard
That's about it, great that you're improving it's really just nick pick things really but still loving it.
Thank you for the new chapter. Nice twist with Icy. I wonder what the warden have with out mystery peagus's past. I guess we will find out soon. Great job.
Capitalize Ponyville and your I's.
So why did he waited this long. Is it the murder joke that should even be in a hospital but still this isn't explain.
Also why does Flare care all of the sudden for Prism's whereabouts. Further more that assuming he's a fan or wanting to join the Storm Wardens how is he not aware. He had to know it was Prism the founder. He's famous as a Wonderbolt and there's probably something in that newspaper about the Wonderbolt
That's about it, great job.
Have you asked bico-kun of deviantArt, or Bico as known on Fimfiction, to do a cover art for you?
>5541152 no. I didn't know he did covor art. My biggest concern is that i can't really afford to pay anyone.
5541391 He doesn't charge anything. Just ask him and tell him it involves kiala97's characters then he'll probably get to work on it (assuming he his Sergeant Major doesn't order him around in Fort Hood).
5544098 alright cool. Thanks
5544185 Well?
5552745 haven't talked to him yet. I've a bit busy bit i'll plan on talking with him tonight if i can. So we'll see
that ending though xD an intresting story so far
5648593 thanks.