On a certain Tuesday, five thieves break into the Starswirl the Bearded wing in the Canterlot Archives and steal a scroll. The unicorn they deliver it to, after inspecting the goods, drops it off for the one who hired him for the heist.
The consequences of the theft could be more than any one pony can bear.
Rated Teen for drug references and disturbing (not graphic) scenes.
This is my first submission, brought about by a need to do something creative. Criticism isn't just welcome, it's requested.
The main story is set after Tirek's defeat and does not account for Season 5 or later.
The Prologue and .5 chapters are set during "It's About Time" and are meant as an amusing distraction. The remark Twilight made, "Why isn't anypony surprised to see me sneaking around in here?" is what set off a lot of the ideas.
Thank you and enjoy!
Alright, while looking up adventure stories involving the Mane Six, I came across one that actually looked interesting...and one where the author actually invited criticism
!!! Alright, this time on Sunlight Blaze's Story Reviews: Lost Fate!!!
To those of you new to my reviewing style, it is somewhat similar to those of Joshscorcher on Youtube: starting off by giving a basic summary of what happened in each chapter (with some snarky commentary here and there), and then a TRUE review at the final chapter followed by letter-grade ratings that include four of the following categories:
Story --- Interesting plotline, steady and well thought-out.
Writing --- Yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi at times. Mostly, this involves penmanship, but I also want the non-OC characters to be portrayed in a believable manner.
Humor --- Quality over Quantity; the humor that is used in the story is done well and makes me laugh; if more humor is used but is of low quality, the grade here ends up being low.
Moral --- Available only when a story is tagged with "Slice of Life," I analyze the Life Lesson and how applicable it is in the real world, as well as how well the plot goes with it
Ending --- a story's ending must leave the writer with a feeling of satisfaction and closure; leaving room for a sequel gives bonus points.
Okay, now you know how my ending review is going to work. Without further ado: let's get started!
(Warning: the following review may contain sarcastic, serious, thoughtful, joking, or downright unnecessary comments and/or flutter-censored swearing. Viewer discretion is advised.)
So we start this prologue right outside Canterlot Castle with one of the Royal Guard, Silver Shield, on patrol.
*sarcastically* Gee; five hooded ponies, walking this close to the castle, in the middle of the freaking night, deliberately ignoring an officer of the law; I wonder if they're planning anything sinister?
So he manages to get them to stop, and they explain why they're there: looking to get a head start on their celebrations on getting in the Wolderbolts Tryouts by going to Doughnut Joe's Cafe.
Then, why would they need to be going this close to the castle? Doughnut Joe's is out in the city.
Anything suspicious here, Mr. Royal Guard?
So once Silver Shield is gone, the five of them sneak into the castle (you do realize that Unicorns don't need any incantations to cast spells, right?), when one of them spots...Twilight? *remembers story description* Oh yeah...that one episode that I...never really saw the point of when I watched it... Hmm...Giving a seemingly pointless episode some fanfiction plot relevance....interesting....
It's Pinkie Pie; don't question it. (Seriously, people; don't try to figure out Pinkie; you'll get a headache...personal experience here!)
So, the five thieves find the scroll they're looking for and head to Doughnut Joe's, where they meet up with another Unicorn who points them all to their payments. And we learn that he has a sister that needs help, and a cliffhanger that just screams "this guy's a main character!"
Not a bad start; it could stand to give us a bit more description of the characters when their appearances are visible to the camera (if it were animated); the last guy there wasn't wearing any cloak, so we could have seen his coat color and even his cutie mark, and we get no description other than the fact that he's a Unicorn...
Oh well; this is just a prologue, and those hardly ever give us anything other than the plot intro and conflict setup. And this did exactly that.
Alright, on to the next chapter.
Okay, this next chapter starts out with a new pony named Sledge (as in Sledge Hammer, right?) on a snowy hill (okay, forget what I said in the last chapter about the lack of character description...that was good in this chapter) when he hears a tree fall and...
Sledge goes to investigate, and we see Fluttershy trying (and failing) to move a fallen tree to free Angel Bunny. Wait...What's Fluttershy doing out here, anyway? Maybe they're not that far from Ponyville?
So Sledge frees Angel with a single powerful buck that would give Applejack a run for her money, and Fluttershy invites to take him to Ponyville (in her usual timid manner. Thank you for keeping her in character!)
We skip ahead to...I'm assuming Fluttershy's cottage; you don't really specify...
Shoulda seen that coming...
And it seems Sledge doesn't have a place to stay. Fluttershy invites him to stay in her home, being the pure and kind soul she is (Fluttershy is #2 on my list of best of the Mane 6 for that reason). How many Fluttershy x OC shipping fanfictions have started out this way? A lot... (observation, not complaint)
Oh! So now it's time for another Winter Wrap-up. Hence the Snow...
So Sledge goes to sleep with an itch in a scar on his side which, seemingly like always, triggers him to remember the day he lost his friend to a mine cave-in. Yeah, having something like that as a constant reminder would definitely have an effect on me as well...
Man, that is one irresponsible foreman to ignore Sledge's constant warnings about the beam needing reinforcement...
Well, next chapter: Winter Wrap-up, Winter Wrap-up!!! *Slaps self* Focus!
We open this one up with yet another OC character; this time a Pegasus named Slipwind, on his way from Fillydelphia to Ponyville.
ch of a filly in this story...
Upon arrival, he has a delivery for Filthy Rich. Oh joy...Diamond Tiara's dad...please tell me we're not going to see that
b
And, for getting the delivery there extra-fast, Rich gives him a tip, which puts our delivery pony in a pretty good mood.....for about two minutes......
He goes to the post office for one more delivery that day, but there is none left.
But after a little insistence, it seems there is one special delivery, and Slipwind gets a job offer, which, after a moment of shock, he accepts. And he is to deliver a package to Carousel Boutique.
So we get to Rarity's place and...
I"m guessing he likes Rarity.
So the delivery is instructions for Rarity to make Slipwind a new delivery bag? Huh...
While Rarity makes her OCD measurements, another pony walks in and asks for another pegasus from Rarity's wrap-up team due to Derpy's having the feather flu, and Slipwind volunteers. And it seems he's a fanboy of Rainbow Dash. Guess who it was that walked in: You got it, it's Rainbow Dash!!!
So this next chapter opens with...a third new OC who's likely to be a main character....um...Okay.
(Sorry; just not used to people introducing this many in this short a time span...)
So Ink Nose (a female OC this time )......wait.....so she was one of the the thief ponies from the prologue? Well, at least she had a reason for doing it.
So we finally see exactly where she is: in the Royal Library of Twilight's Castle (now we're post-Season 4. This is actually the first story I've read to make something that takes place AFTER Lord Tirek's defeat.)
So we flash to Spike, who is having trouble finding specific books ever since Twilight's library expanded, when he hears Ink Nose's squee from earlier. After a short conversation, she decides to help Spike find a book and, when she finds it, she realizes that Princess Twilight is there and immediately falls to her knees.
After a few internal shenanigans from Ink Nose, Twilight eventually offers to hire Ink Nose as her castle librarian, and then she's offered a job at Winter Wrap-up, just like the previous two ponies....I'm noticing a trend here....
Ink Nose seems uncannily similar to Twilight in terms of both appearance and personality. But it's easy to see why she's called Ink Nose. So, if one is looking for a difference between Twilight and Ink: two things: the nose, and the wings. Other than that...I don't see any difference between the two...
We open this chapter with....yet another OC.....this time a mare named Ivy, looking for work at Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack says they're not hiring, but Big Mac...actually has a proper speaking role!!!???
YEEESS!!! I swear, they need to give Big Mac a larger role than just saying "eeyup" or "nnnope." In fact, they actually need more stallions with bigger roles in the show in general...
Anyway, so Big Mac had Filthy Rich check their funds, and they can afford to hire two or three extra hands, much to AJ's chagrin.
Yeah, AJ, we don't need another incident like what happened in the episode "Applebuck Season." One extra hand isn't gonna kill you.
And it seems Ivy once worked for Cherry Jubilee at Cherry Hill Orchard and was laid off from a random drawing due to a bad harvest bringing in low money for the orchard, and she came to Ponyville to work for the Apples.
Wait....she was one of the ponies from that heist too!? Well, then where did all the bits she got that go?
*the flashback*
Wow...the story filled in plotholes before I did; I'm shocked.
So her little sister, Lily, needed the money, probably to get into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns (if not there, then probably the Canterlot University of Magic or something similar...)
So the deal is settles, and Ivy will be bunking in an old farmhouse. Room and board, thirty bits a week...seems reasonable. (Filthy Rich didn't get that name from hasbro for no reason; he knows how to work with money.)
Okay, I like that bit about Ivy's mane; makes it seem like her namesake came from her natural mane style, snaking down her legs like ivy vines. And if a certain marshmallow pony even touches it, I'd imagine Ivy'd blow a gasket.
Just a question, though: which race is Ivy? I'm guessing Earth Pony, but I'm not sure; you didn't really specify here...
And so we open this chapter up to....yet another OC introduction! How many of these guys are we going to meet? And I wonder how long it's going to take for Pinkie Pie to throw them their "Welcome to Ponyville" parties?
Enter Lookout, a Pegasus who...apparently got addicted to Razor Grass from Zebrica...What, is Razor Grass like a drug or something?
So we see she is getting a job at the Winter Wrap-up in Rainbow Dash's team, but due to her lack of flying strength, she's kind of at a loss.
Damn, she's got good eyes and ears! So her special talent is observation. What's her cutie mark look like? Last pony I saw that had that talent had a cat's eye as a cutie mark (Prowler, from Fiery Joker's story MLP: Recasted)
So we see Lookout reminiscing about her past; apparently, she's always been the family embarrassment, and she took the job from....
She's another one of the crooks? Are all five of these ponies the thieves from the prologue?
Anyway, so she took the job so she could get away from her family, and after four months they...haven't even started looking for her... yeah, real Land of Friendship and Love!
So she gets up pretty early and has a couple donuts for breakfast and leaves with her left wing twitching... Side effect of the grass addiction, probably...
Okay, that was a bit morbid with that talk of the "walking Dead" in Zebrica... It makes me think that Lookout is going to die at some point in the story.
Well, that's......a little dark......(I always base my opinions off of the show itself.)
So we start this off with...a sixth main OC introduction. This time it's the Unicorn who hired the other five, and we see he had his reasons as well; his little sister, Moonlit Choir, came down with an unidentified illness shortly after having her Cute-ceañera. One day, this unicorn was approached by another pony who offered him the means to cure his sister in exchange for a certain book from the Canterlot Royal Library....and gave him specific instructions on who to hire, what their roles in it will be, and which scroll to get...... Yeeeeaaaah, that other guy's totally not plotting anything.
So he goes to Ponyville to celebrate his upcoming birthday. Alright, Pinkie Pie: your turn.
I know, right?
So he's there to get a cake for his birthday and spend said birthday alone. Why? because pretty much the rest of the year he's around others and would like to have a day to himself.
After a long moment of Pinkie Pie giving a speech that I can only assume was said extremely quickly, she gets the order ready and shows him her job in the Winter Wrap-Up, and he offers to help...with magic....
Uh, question here: in the episode Winter Wrap-Up was explained, they made it clear that they didn't like magic being used to directly influence their tasks; it's been tradition since Ponyville was first established. Did that just...slip Pinkie's mind?
Anyway, Pinkie goes on another useless detail rant (that's Pinkie for you), and then we finally learn this pony's name: Cantrip..........interesting choice.....
(P.S.: It took me longer than usual to read this chapter due to a certain friend of mine coming over to visit and distracting me for most of the day. I'll have to stop here for now and get back to you once he leaves. So, I'll get back to you in an hour or two. Sorry.)
So we start this chapter off with Princess Celestia sensing something wrong before raising the sun as per normal. She then goes quickly to the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library to find...Twilight? Wait...so this is a flashback to the day Twilight "broke" into the library?
I remember that line, and honestly back then I didn't think much of it. But now I see that she may well have been hiding something... I've said this before many a time in previous reviews of other stories, and I'll say it again: Hasbro! Give us a couple of prologue episodes! We need to know the history of the Princesses!!! (pointless rant notwithstanding...)
...Wow...that was pretty short...we close off with...
Uh.........you forgot why you came to the most important section of the Canterlot Royal Library? Okay, either she's getting old or there's some dark magic at play here...
Okay, I know you said in your description of this story that the .5 chapters are just there for the heck of it, but this actually seems to be a plot-relevant point! Celestia sensed something was up and went to the library to find out, but next thing she knows her memory has been modified to forget why she came there. Something's up here; that's for sure...
Okay, back in the present, we see all the OCs doing their parts in the Winter Wrap-Up.
...what was the point of Bulk Biceps doing that? (then again, he does do that at the most random times in the most random episodes, so...)
So their jobs go as follows:
Ivy: helping plant at Sweet Apple Acres
Lookout: on lookout duty and to whistle for the next team to get to work
Ink Nose: keeping everypony organized and on track
Sledge: breaking ice off of trees; as a side note, though, what's he using? (then again, he could just be bucking them...)
Slipwind: getting the birds from the south (and he gives them a bit of a pep talk before bringing them in. He seems like a cross between R.D. and Fluttershy.)
Cantrip: helping Pinkie with the splitting of the ponds.
And it's with Cantrip that we get something interesting:
....Okay, I read a few books about this stuff in the Golden Oaks Library before it was destroyed...Ugh! Think; what did that book say........
Ok, now I remember! Put simply, he's planning on using his magic to create these leylines on the ice where Pinkie scates and use them to focus a spell to allow him to split the ice further apart, allowing it to melt easier.
This still goes against the Ponyville tradition of "No magic for the Wrap-Up," but this is an interesting plot point here.
So when Pinkie is done, Cantrip focuses the leylines (with some assistance from Twilight). But when he applies the Force spell...
...it explodes just like he said it probable wouldn't. I'm not sure whether to facehoof or to burst out laughing here. It's a blatant challenge to Murphy's Law, and it seems Murphy's Law wins yet again.
So, after another scientific explanation, Twilight and Spike head off to the castle while Pinkie takes Cantrip back to Sugarcube Corner to get warmed up.
This chapter was more about the comedy than anything else, but it still showed that your OCs are doing their job and adjusting to their new lives. Imagine their surprise when they all meet up again after all this time.
Okay, this next chapter starts out in Pinkie's point of view, and she's invited all the new ponies to their "Welcome to Ponyville" party (about time).
It's Pinkie Pie; don't question it.
So Pinkie sets up all the decorations for the party (or, parties, if you think about it that way) and once the other five of the OCs arrive, they all wait for Cantrip to arrive. And when he does....
SURPRISE!!! Confetti everywhere with the banners. However...
Oh! I called it! I told you they'd meet up! And...Cantrip's reaction is a little louder than I expected....
So, after that little mishap, Pinkie gives them a booth before going off to contain the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Yeah, they all have jobs here they can't just drop because they recognizes somepony they would rather not have met.
Well...almost all of them have a job here.
So they all decide to catch up and they all understand why they did the crime. (So it was all six of them...) and we (the audience) learn why Sledge and Slipwind did, since their reasons weren't explained: Sledge did it to help pay off a dept for his father.
All of them have noble reasons for it.... Okay, most of them do; Slipwind was just a victim of gambling and ended up flat broke, but we can let that slide for now.
*Apple Bloom notices Lookout shaking*
...Oh boy...
So Lookout falls and starts convulsing, Cantrip shouts for a doctor, Scootaloo speeds off to the hospital, Pinkie is completely in shock, and Apple Bloom...somehow knows what to do...
So after mixing this...hodgepodge of ingredients, she makes some medicine for Lookout before passing out herself.
it can't taste good....
I don't know what that stuff is, but...
And it seems that Twilight was on her way to Sugarcube Corner at the time, and when she hears the explosion of Apple Bloom's medicine, she makes a dash to find out what happened.
Alright; this chapter starts out in a complete rush (not rushed as in the writing seemed rushed; the situation is a rush): Twilight arrives and gets a basic rundown of what happened before Scootaloo arrives with the doctor.
Okay, Twilight definitely knows when teleporting is important. (Twilight is best pony in my opinion...
)
So Applejack arrives and finds out that Apple Bloom was in the hospital and Twilight does what she can to keep her from getting kicked out.
Okay, so now we learn some more about Razor Grass: in the later stages of trying to quit, ponies could likely die from it (I'm guessing because the body literally hurts itself from the inside in its need for the drug), and in the following scene we see that
A) Twilight again learns that it's tough being a Princess and that she, reluctantly, has to put her friendships second in scenarios like this,
and B) that Apple Bloom learned the cure from Zecora.
Oh yeah! I forgot that Apple Bloom used to spend quite a bit of time for Zecora; I should have realized that she'd pick up a thing or two from the zebra sage.
Once Twilight is done with her questions, Lookout wakes up (Convenient!) and Twilight goes and asks her some questions. When she's done, we...
And Twilight thinks the same thing and decides to investigate it after she pays Zecora a visit.
We flash ahead two weeks and we find that every one of the new ponies has settled into their new lifestyle in Ponyville (with Sledge being hired on for the Apples; now he has a job!) and that...
Apple Bloom has her Cutie mark!?.....
What's a Zap apple? (looks it up) ...a Rainbow-colored apple with a lightning bolt-shaped stem...interesting....
Wait...Why did Cantrip leave?
Okay, Lookout is out of the hospital (Zecora was able to make some pure medicine for her) and is under the care of Rainbow Dash until she is completely cured (how they're going to measure that is beyond me)
And Lookout gets several visitors, surprisingly (wait...Perhaps you could be a little more specific as to where Lookout is staying; is she at Rainbow Dash's house? 'Cause that's a cloud house, and non-Pegasi ponies can't walk on clouds.
Then again, they could just have someone cast a "walk on clouds" spell like Twilight did int he episode "Sonic Rainboom." Plot Hole filled!)
She even gets a one-time visit from Cantrip, who....
........what is it that went wrong? And what's up with his eyes?
So we flash to Cantrip walking through the Manesnare Forest.... Huh...thought for sure this would have been the Everfree Forest; a new location that DOESN'T follow the cliched Everfree... (Writing category: +1)
Anyway, so Cantrip is looking for a rumored Ancient Oracle who lives deep within this forest, and comes upon a cave (because we have to have the Oracle live in a dark, creepy, secluded location, right?)
So we are introduced to the oracle, who is.....*the oracle walks out of the cave*
(Likes dragons)
So Cantrip explains to the dragon his little escapade in the library as well as the events to follow. And his offer in exchange for answers is actually pretty fair. His actual question, however...
My thoughts exactly........
...I guess that works...
So the dragon gives an explanation that the scroll they stole was actually one piece of a larger whole, and that some events that even he can't foresee have caused it to change.
Okay, let's see what other questions Cantrip has. *he leaves* .........................why? Why ask just that one question? This dragon seems to be pretty much all-knowing and Omnipotent. He even seems to know who it was that put you up to this, Cantrip! Wouldn't that information be useful as well? All you can do right now is to scry for the scroll and locate it; what's going to happen when you DO find it? It's in the hooves of, for all we know, a sociopathic tyrant who's probably using it to gain more power to take over Equestria! What chance do you think you stand against THAT kind of enemy with literally NO preparation!?
I'm sorry, but can somepony just hit him with the idiot stick!?
So we start this out with Lookout getting a day off from following Rainbow Dash, who's decided to take the day off herself.
After a few minutes, Lookout finds Apple Bloom and the rest of the CMC and thanks the young filly for saving her life. And she wants to thank her with a little fireworks show.
And her little stunt gets everypony's attention, even Rainbow Dash. Heck, the thunderclap is heard all across Ponyville.
So we get a flash of Slipwind and Sledge enjoying their new careers before switching to Ink Nose, who is sorting a new collection of books from Canterlot.
Wait...Cantrip lines? what, was Cantrip the head of a magical research team back in Canterlot?
So Ink Nose speedreads (....wow...it's like watching Read from "Criminal Minds," only ten times faster...) and is enthralled in Cantrip's theories of leylines and heads to the throne room of the castle to show her.
So we see that Twilight was fully prepared to interrogate the rest of the "Crew" and has narrowed her focus to Ink Nose. But then...
Uh......a bit sudden on this one, don't you think?
So Cantrip shows up and confesses to Princess Twilight, after making a few conditions, that he led the Crew in stealing one of the scrolls from the Starswirl the Bearded wing.
Twilight is one of the more forgiving members of the Mane Six; She wouldn't think of punishing a pony unless it was absolutely necessary! In this case, Cantrip committed a crime and was determined to right his mistake; Twilight would have let him find that missing scroll (and take down whatever evil is behind all this) and then let him go, because going through that kind of hell to correct the mistake is punishment enough. Besides, Twilight is the Princess of FRIENDSHIP!!! It's her job to spread friendship to everypony in Equestria! Princess Celestia even said so herself! Punishing ponies isn't exactly a way to spread friendship here!
Besides, banishment to the moon isn't exactly a punishment befitting this kind of crime; theft should be dealt with in jail time, not banishment to a celestial body!
And another thing: Twilight isn't strong enough to banish anypony to the moon! I know what you're thinking: "She's an Alicorn; she's got a stronger hold on her magic now." Yes, but she only recently became an Alicorn; she does not yet have NEARLY as extensive magic powers as Celestia, who was the one who banished Nightmare Moon to the moon.
Speaking of which, she only did that because there was literally NO other option! She wasn't able to defeat Nightmare Moon without harming Luna in the process, and she wasn't able to dissuade Luna from turning evil. Cantrip, however, is FULLY willing to repent for his crimes!
So, I guess the whole point of this rant is that there is NO RHYME OR REASON TO BANISH CANTRIP TO THE MOON!!!!!
I know one line may not seem like much, but even simple one-liner thoughts like this can come a long way in flushing out a character's personality. But for somepony we already know as a character, this one line can be taken by readers to have major meanings, possibly unintended by the writer, as you just saw. And the implications of that line are, as I said, that Twilight wanted to send him to the moon. And that is NOT the Twilight Sparkle everyone knows. (Writing category: -4)
Huh...another .5 chapter.....
*reads*
...............................................No comment.
Alright, after my little "That isn't what Twilight would have done" rant, let's move on...
We start this chapter with Twilight talking with the rest of the Mane Six about punishments to the Crew...
.............Okay......Why did I not realize that before I went on my rant? Twilight still thinks of Celestia as family (heck; with Shining Armor marrying Cadence, who is Celestia's niece, the two are pretty much relatives now), so anything anypony does to Celestia, Twilight takes to heart... Okay, now I understand her desire to send Cantrip to the moon a little better. I still stand by my reasoning back there, though.
Back to the story, Rainbow Dash and the rest of Twilight's friends are all for the deal.
Well said, R.D! (Rainbow Dash Likeability meter: +1)
So after settling that scuffle down, Twilight asks Cantrip if he has a plan to retrieve the scroll.
Hmm......a misshapen, blue, almost goat-like horn.....Gee, could it be Discord?
Wait...Wasn't the episode where Twilight snuck into the library before Discord's reformation? So how could that have been Discord doing that?
Oh! That's explained well here: It wasn't Discord that night, but somepony trying to frame him.
Wait...that's all talking about Discord...and it actually made sense...That's scary....Discord's very existence doesn't make sense....
Wow. Twilight broke that one out pretty fast. Almost too fast....
So we skip ahead a few minutes to Ink Nose performing her book locating spell for Cantrip, and....
*Cantrip is thrown against the wall*
Whoa!!! What the hay!?
............................oh f
k no.........is that blood?.........
So we open this up with...Cantrip having free reign around Twilight's castle....didn't he get knocked out just last chapter?
.......*Processing...Processing...Processing...DING* oooooooh......he's dreaming right now.
Meanwhile, Doctor Horse (could that name be any less original?) is checking on the unconscious Cantrip, and he seems fine. (Then where'd that red spot come from on the wall?)
I mean, what's with this seemingly-random line by Twilight?
She doesn't want who to intervene because of Discord? What does that even mean?
And we close this scene with Twilight feeling guilty about her reasons for keeping Ink Nose around. Yeah, sometimes needing to do the right thing for the kingdom can lead to some friendships being broken.
In the next scene, we flash to Cantrip and Discord, who are both unconscious and...having a tea party in their dream? Okay, I'm coining a new phrase: "it's Discord; don't question it.".....nah, doesn't have the same ring to it as Pinkie Pie...
Anyway, so we get a brief explanation as to what happened two months ago: whatever it was that caused Cantrip to hit the wall like that, Discord felt the need to help Cantrip, so he dove into the Unicorn's mind to help him find a way to get out of the coma. That's surprisingly quick thinking on his part.
So the first thing Cantrip notices about their chamber is that it's remarkably similar to Celestia's throne room, except for the second throne and stained glass windows.
*Discord's explanation about being "out of [Cantrip's] mind"*
Huh....something that even Discord wouldn't attempt....that's ....comforting......
So who or whatever did this has them trapped somewhere outside of Cantrip's mind, and whatever they start doing to break stuff could result in the destruction of his mind. I'd say they're in quite a bind.
And we flash back to Twilight.
Okay, so we start this chapter off with...Cantrip waking up in the hospitall? Wait, what? Wasn't he unconscious and trapped in a dream world of some kind just last chapter? Then again, if his mind is trapped outside his body, then something else could have gone in and taken over. In which case... Let's see how this other being acts in his place.
So we see that, being asleep for two months straight, Cantrip (arching fingers like quotation marks) needs some physical therapy before he can walk again. And he gets visitors regularly. And we see that...
ting me!? What is allowing them to do this!? Or, the better question is, what's possessing them? If their minds are trapped somewhere else, then SOME outside influence has to be allowing them to move, and....surprisingly, is making very good impressions of these two characters....If I didn't know better, I'd say that they were just fine and totally being themselves. (Discord being the most difficult character in MLP to write in fanfiction, but we don't really see enough of him to make any judgments)
Discord's awake as well!? With no explanation as to how the both of them are awake yet? Are you sh
So Ink Nose visits Cantrip and tells him of how his discovery with leylines, over the course of these last two months (I still can't believe that much of a time lapse happened), has gained popularity and has the potential to make him a famous Unicorn for discovery of magic.
...I do not know...(humor: +0.5)
So we finally bring up the issue of the tension between Twilight and Ink, and Cantrip...has a few words to say.
That...makes sense, actually. Friends don't keep secrets like that; Twilight could have been trying to get that little secret off her chest so she could maintain her friendship with Ink Nose, but it ended up coming out the wrong way and Ink Nose didn't take it too well...wait...
......It's like he became an expert on friendship all of a sudden...
And we end this scene with some Discord shenanigans.
We flash ahead to Ink Nose in the library...signing a letter of resignation. Man, she really is down about the whole mess...
...and then Discord shows up with a request from Twilight. .....wait...Discord is taking errand runs for Twilight? That's new...
And there he goes, being his usual self. (Pretty good Discord impression here...)
So Ink Nose goes to Twilight's room with letter and book in hoof, when we see that Twilight is VERY much regretting her wanting to interrogate Ink Nose, and Spike is trying to console her.
Now, this is where Spike is at his best: delivering sometimes snarky commentary from the sidelines and serving as the anchor to reel Twilight in from her insane moments. It sets him up in a good role, that being the young and sometimes timid voice of reason.
Okay, hold it right there! No, I'm not going to explode again, but I do have a point to make:
Meghan McCarthy, one of the writers for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (specifically the episodes and movies revolving around Alicorn Twilight) has stated on several occasions (not in the show, so I would understand that you don't know this) that Twilight is not immortal. Multitudes of bronies got on her about the issue of whether or not Twilight will outlive her friends because she's an Alicorn now, but Meghan explained that there are two types of Alicorns: Immortal Alicorns, and created Alicorns; Princess Celestia and Luna are Immortal Alicorns, meaning they were born Alicorns. Twilight and Princess Cadence were both made into Alicorns at some point in their lives; Cadence was originally a Pegasus before she became an Alicorn (the exact method by which she was deemed worthy still escapes me, but that's not the point), and Twilight, as seen in the show, got wings when she had mastered the arts of friendship. And Meghan McCarthy has stated that Immortal Alicorns are - go-figure - Immortal in the sense that they cannot die by old age, whereas created Alicorns will still live a normal life span before passing.
Putting those facts into account, Twilight doesn't have to worry about outliving her friends.
....................Well, that suddenly took a turn for the dark............
So Ink Nose overhears all of Twilight's worries and realizes just what she put Twilight through, before ripping up her resignation letter and apologizing to Twilight. The two hug it out, and Spike heads out to give them some alone time, when he...
Wait: wasn't Ink supposed to bring the book to Twilight? Or did she...
Wait....so Discord set up the whole thing? That's.....pretty clever, actually. And not a bad portrayal of the reformed Discord, though I would have expected something much more fun and elaborate, knowing him.
Okay, whoever is possessing Discord and Cantrip is doing a REALLY good job of it.
Either that or they ARE in fact awake and you skipped the little plotpoint that details HOW THEY GOT BACK TO THEIR OWN MINDS!!!! Even I can't fill in that plothole! Mind clearing this up for us!?
(To open this one up, Discord would SO agree with that chapter name.)
So we skip ahead with...another time lapse, showing that Cantrip has been released from the hospital TWO WEEKS BEFORE THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE!?!? Okay, these time lapses are getting annoying! And something else I should point out: I think we've steered away form the main plotline for long enough! What happened to finding the location of that scroll? What happened to stopping the evil who was trying to frame Discord? Why are we going about mundane plotpoints that have nothing whatsoever to do with the main story!?!? (Story: -2)
So, Cantrip is chiseling sigils into this stone slab, when Applejack comes up with some apple fritters for lunch. (speaking of which, I need to get some lunch myself...*ten minutes later* Okay, back to the story.)
So, what exactly is he doing? Are these sigils going to help them find the scroll by focusing some kind of magic?
......Okay, thanks for explaining how this spell assembly works to us simpletons, but what exactly is this supposed to be? What's it for?
Huh......never though of it that way before... This is the first time I've seen a writer look sympathetically at Discord's point of view of how it all happened. Not even the writers in the actual show thought to explain this! (Writing: +1)
...........That first line, though...I'm not sure if this is Applejack being flat out honest that she doesn't yet fully trust magic, that she admits to not trusting Cantrip completely yet, or if this is just a random change of subject that requires some editing.
However, you completely avoided my question: What is that Spell Assembly for?.......So, you're NOT going to answer? You're NOT going to explain this?.................(Writing: -1)
So Cantrip gets back to work and AJ leaves.
Then we flash to....
I'm not questioning it; why should you? (Very good portrayal of Pinkie's hyperactive-ness. [Writing: +1])
So Pinkie Pie wants to throw a "Glad-You're-Better" party for Cantrip, but Sledge says that Cantrip isn't completely better, using his own scar to make a point that sometimes you never fully recover.
But Pinkie isn't asking to throw a "Glad you're one-hundred percent" party, though..."Better" is a term used for comparison; since Cantrip is conscious and on his hooves again, that's "better" than being out cold with a few broken ribs from being slammed into the wall. (We still have no idea what caused that! That's kind of an important detail!)
Then we flash to Lookout feeling better, and she's late for work; apparently Rainbow Dash didn't wake her up.
And we see in a few moments that R.D. did this on purpose; she's trying to teach Lookout to be her own independent pony.
And Lookout takes this the wrong way, and shows that she actually likes living with Rainbow Dash as a family. Rainbow understands and gives her a better idea of what families are supposed to do.
Now that's a meaningful message right there, particularly for young adults who are coming out of high school or college and have yet to figure themselves out. You can't just live forever with your family; eventually you'll have to move out and be on your own.
....So why is this chapter called "Sanity is Overrated"? So far, most of the chapters just seem named randomly...
So we open this up with Cantrip having finished his little art project and...
........Well, I feel like a complete douchebag....so Cantrip's sigil markings on this stone are to serve a purpose for when he casts the scrying spell again. So, this WAS relevant to the main plot. It would have been nice if you explained that in the previous chapter, when he was MAKING the f
king thing!
So, basically, the spell assembly is going to protect him from being attacked while he searches for the scroll. (I barely understood Pinkie's comparison to a game of tag.)
So Discord shows up in the shape of a second Pinkie Pie.
Okay, THAT was funny!
So they all take their positions and begin the spell.
....Did something go wrong?
*reads the rest of the chapter*
So, they're in some kind of state of limbo between worlds so they can look for the scroll easier? Hmmm.......
Alrighty, so this chapter is where things start getting really confusing:
So Discord, Cantrip, Slipwind, and Rarity are in the Gap and trying to find out what's happening by scanning throughout the worlds. The first thing they find is:
An alternate universe where Twilight was able to defeat Lord Tirek by herself but was unable to give the power to Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. As such, the princesses promoted Twilight to Queen of Equestria (I don't think Equestria would have a title that high; because if they did, wouldn't Celestia have been the queen? Anyway...) As time passed in this alternate universe, Twilight was slowly able to return some of the powers to the Princesses, allowing for them to move the Sun and Moon on their own.
Minus the Queen thing, this may well be what would have actually happened if Twilight was unable to transfer her powers back to the Princesses. And it's actually what I thought was going to happen when I heard that they were going to transfer their powers to Twilight to begin with (I mean, the episode was called "Twilight's Kingdom!" That alone threw me for a loop!)
So after having a short conversation with Queen Twilight and Princess Celestia, the vision ends and they're back in the blank world of the Gap.
......I still can't stand Rarity...I swear, sometimes the writers TRIED to get people to hate her.
Anyways, so the next vision they have is...
...another alternate reality where Twilight decided not to go back in time to tell herself not to worry about the future. Well, it certainly ended not too well. What was that magical explosion? was it just the scene ending?
So the next vision is....
*reads the section*
...Okay, so after defeating Nightmare Moon, Twilight's magic started going out of control and she asked Celestia to break her horn (OW!!! That had to hurt!) to stop the magic from destroying everypony, and eight months afterward she is still dealing with the aftereffects.
So, Discord and them are looking for the things in these visions that also happened in their timeline. So, let's see what we got so far:
Queen Twilight: what we have that was the same was that Twilight was supercharged by the princesses.
Twilight and the Time Spell: Twilight was present at the library in both realities.
Broken Horn: Nightmare Moon was still defeated.
Alright, so they still have more visions to go through. Let's continue to the next chapter.
Okay, so they see something that...actually stayed the same as it did before? Alright, so the common thread here is Twilight. They're following Twilight's path through time, seemingly in reverse.
Friendship is Magic: everything's the same
Twilight's Cutie Mark: Everything's the same
Celestia at the Gala: They are noticed again.
Wait, Celestia noticed them again? Huh...
Oh, COME ON!!!! They were so close to getting answers when the scene just cut off on them!
So we flash to Ink Nose, who...didn't we already see this?
...So, those scenes with the alternate universes all took place over the span of less than a second in the real world? .....I could see that.
So Cantrip is exhausted from holding his spell that long, and Rarity and Slipwind are VERY much in need of help from being in the Gap for so long (thank you, Celestia's warning), and we see that Discord...
Okay, so they see something that...actually stayed the same as it did before? Alright, so the common thread here is Twilight. They're following Twilight's path through time, seemingly in reverse.
Friendship is Magic: everything's the same
Twilight's Cutie Mark: Everything's the same
Celestia at the Gala: They are noticed again.
Wait, Celestia noticed them again? Huh...
Oh, COME ON!!!! They were so close to getting answers when the scene just cut off on them!
So we flash to Ink Nose, who...didn't we already see this?
...So, those scenes with the alternate universes all took place over the span of less than a second in the real world? .....I could see that.
So Cantrip is exhausted from holding his spell that long, and Rarity and Slipwind are VERY much in need of help from being in the Gap for so long (thank you, Celestia's warning), and we see that Discord...
Alright...So, to summarize this chapter: When Luna became Nightmare Moon, Celestia somehow managed to get her hooves on a page of the Book of Destiny and changed it so that the events of Twilight getting her Cutie Mark were set so that the rest were planned out for Celestia to be able to free Luna.
understandable, but the way Discord puts it... that's deep....
So after Discord breaks down into tears (never thought I'd see the day...), everypony breaks away to get some sleep and to take in all they found out.
So, let me get this straight: this pony who set them up to steal the page is using said page to tamper with time?
king confusing.................But I have a creed where once I start reviewing a story I take it to the finish.....So let's keep going.
........................................That's actually one of several kinds of plotlines that I try to avoid, because Time Travel is so
f
So we start this off with Celestia and Luna having breakfast.
And it seems the previous night, Luna had sensed the strange dreams the ponies of Ponyville were having, and took particular interest in Twilight's dream of her would-be son, Silver Light. And when she talks to Celestia about it...
Huh...Never thought of Princess Luna as somepony with a sense of humor like that... maybe she really is adjusting to modern Equestria.
But Celestia seems to have something else on her mind...(but somehow, Luna doesn't notice...)
So we flash to Slipwind and Rarity, who...
*their little conversation*
................................Not sure whether to laugh or not...Though, it would be nice to see those two get together later in the story...
So we flash to Twilight waking up and Spike having made breakfast for everypony.
Wow, Spike...your really let that thought get in your head? You're still just a kid!
Yeah; it's called the Gutter.
Alright, we continue the next day with Ivy doing her job as supervisor of the farmhooves that helped at Sweet Apple Acres. And she's doing a pretty good job of it.
So later that afternoon, Ivy heads to Sugarcube Corner to find...only a single table with Sledge sitting there...and all the lights are off, except right there.....Oh, please go where I think this is going.
Yup. They planned a romantic dinner between Sledge and Ivy so he could ask her out. I actually didn't think they'd get to be that close... (Taking into account the amount of time that's passed, I can see them getting to know each other really well, though.)
Whoa....Kinky....
*realizes bad joke, facehoof*
So we switch to outside with Lookout, Pinkie, and Rarity. The date's going pretty well between Ivy and Sledge, and Lookout decides to poke fun at Rarity.
So, yeah, it's official: Rarity likes Slipwind. Deny it all you want, Ms. Marshmallow, you like him! (Humor: +1)
Do I even need to make a joke here? You're making fun of Rarity; that's good enough for me. (Humor: +1)
So we start this chapter off with Twilight requesting an audience with Princess Celestia.
I like the Pinkie Promise reference, though I'm not used to Discord acting like this; it's almost impossible to get him truly angry.
And we get a bit of fluff with Slipwind, Rarity, Cantrip, and Discord talking about relationships. Everypony already knows about Rarity and Slipwind's interactions, but Rarity is still embarrassed about it.
Uh, problem with that, Rarity: Everypony already knows!
THAT I had actually completely forgotten about...
Of course Discord wouldn't do anything sensible; he'd just have a bit of fun and call it good.
So we close out this chapter with Celestia and Luna preparing for their meeting with Twilight and company.
So this chapter centers around the meeting with Princess Celestia and Luna. They all interrogate Celestia about the page, but for some reason Celestia denies every question with an innocent answer; either something happened to make her forget, or shes trying to hide something.
*reads the rest*
Aha! See!? I told you chapter 6.5 was plot-relevant!
So Discord goes to talk to the dragon oracle (Yeah, as much as I like dragons, this guy needs to spill the beans; and I honestly don't care how Discord gets those answers) and, after a few more theories are thrown around, they all decide to call it a day.
I'm assuming this is Discord here. And it seems he discovered who hired Cantrip to get the scroll, and it seems he knows this pony (then again, with Discord, it could be another Draconiquus or something. Who knows?)
And now he's trying to discover the why and how.
So we have...
another time lapse, skipping ahead over several important plot points:
king YEAR since Discord left! Would it really take Discord THAT long to find what he needed!?
Ivy and Sledge's wedding, Slipwind proposing to Rarity, Lookout getting promoted to manager of the Ponyville Weather Team, Rainbow Dash becoming a Wonderbolt, Slipwind and Rarity getting married, all of this explained over the course of three paragraphs! The pacing just isn't there!!! It has literally been a f
And Cantrip is just NOW beginning his search!? Are you sh
ting me!?!?!? Not seeing Discord after that long, they should have been looking for him after the first week!
Anyways......
So Cantrip is on his way to Zecora's place when Discord suddenly returns from his trip that should have ended nine months ago, and we get an exposition dumb montage cranked up to eleven, showing Discord's confrontation with the dragon, his search through time, his being the one they were looking for, and....
king year to return!? He could have just gone FORWARD through time to just a few days after he originally set out and explained everything then! (Story: -10, Writing: -5)
Okay, all of that he could have done in just a few days, so why did he have to wait for a whole f
(It does explain how the "pony" knew exactly who to ask for when giving Cantrip the mission in the first place, though.)
So we get to the solution of the problem, Discord fixes the Book of Destiny, Cantrip is erased from existence, and everything is reset....
"The Power of Pinkie"......
So Pinkie's "Pinkie Sense" told her that Cantrip was about to break his Pinkie Promise to Ink Nose and she goes and stops him.
Wait...Discord fixed the book...so, shouldn't Cantrip have faded already?
slamming his hooves against the wall; wrapping himself in a dragon fire spell; a slow-motion scene of him flipping a table; Sunlight shouting "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"; finishing with Sunlight generating an explosion of pure dragon fire, incinerating everything non-MLP related within a two-block radius.
The music ends with Sunlight's mane and tail smoking from the firestorm that was just unleashed and him gasping for air at releasing so much magic at once...)
(Allow me a few minutes to catch my breath and regather my thoughts...)
So, after all this buildup, after all the bullsh
t you put our group through, in the end it was just a time-traveling paradox created when Celestia decided she wanted to save her sister's life? That's it? No...big villain who wanted to use the Book of Destiny to his own evil ends?
And after dealing with all those annoying, excessive, and completely unnecessary time-lapses, this final problem is solved by...Pinkie Pie's ability to constantly break the fourth wall?
Okay, "Lost Fate". You have one more chance to redeem yourself. Let's end this on a high note. So, come on....... What's it going to be?
*reads the chapter*
............................................................................................................................................................
I'll try not to explode again, but......this is really pushing it here.........
This final chapter is just ......one...huge....time-lapse......fastfowarding the plotline ahead fourty-plus years, to when the Mane Six and the Crew have freaking grandchildren; Rarity has passed away, Rainbow Dash died in an accident, Twilight is officially immortal (despite not being an immortal Alicorn) and living with all this, Cantrip has passed away, and a lot of other mushy stuff has happened since then, all in all resulting in an epilogue that is completely unrelated to the main plotline to the rest of the story.
(Official ratings to follow)
And that's Lost Fate.....................What did I just read!?
To be honest here, I'm conflicted; for as many bright and shining moments this story has, there are just as many groan-inducing moments. I love the introduction of six new OCs, and I liked the setup you had at the beginning, making that one pretty much pointless episode seem to have some meaning to it. But as the story progresses, all the tension that was built up gradually fades to disappointment.
Your overall penmanship was good; I only found a few grammar and spelling errors throughout the whole thing, and it's freaking 32 chapters long! But there are an insane amount of time lapses that are just unneeded, and there are so many plotholes it's ridiculous.
The biggest plothole - that being when Cantrip and Discord were trapped in that little dream, the one when they first tried to scry for the scroll and Cantrip ended up getting knocked out - is completely left untouched and we see Cantrip and Discord wake up without any explanation as to how they were able to return their minds to their bodies whatsoever!
And the ending.....Oh boy..... As I complained about before, the massive time lapse is just ridiculous, and it gives us an ending that basically says "that entire adventure was pointless; insert trollface here." That is NOT how you end a story.
This story's only saving grace was the humor; while a few jokes just ended up dying, all in all it was used pretty well. But, unfortunately, humor alone doesn't make a good story.
While I may not be a fan of time travel stories, they can be done well. But this is not how you go about it.
Sunlight Blaze's Official Ratings:
Story: D (6.6)
Writing: D+ (6.8)
Humor: B+ (8.7)
Ending: D- (6.1)
Overall: C- (7.05)
I'm Sunlight Blaze, and I hate time lapses.
*Teleports*
4975740
C-... Honestly, not bad for my first one. I wanted to respond to a few comments you made, but wait until you made your final call.
I actually wanted to play that as an extreme. We've seen her
evolve into Rapidashburst into flames from pure frustration. In the original, I had her thinking "[...] she would have to wait to strangle him." but that was too against character. Prison? Exile? Prison where she exiled him? My wife suggested the banishment to the moon as, though still harsh, still fit in the flavor. Celestia did it as a last resort, so Twilight jumping right to that should have given the impression of... well, Flutterhulk ^^Ink Nose is an OC, but, had I fleshed out her personality more, her passion was more being in the library. The OC belongs to my wife, who wants to be a librarian. While Twilight consumes the knowledge, Ink Nose is more about maintaining it so others can learn. Given other comments about other OCs...
Lesson Learned: Define OCs better for the readers.
Yeah, in retrospect, the time lapses needed to be handled better. It is definitely a case of it makes sense in my head, but the reader can't read that. The jumps in time were skimming over things that just didn't seem to fit into the main story and would have been more of a distraction. However, your reaction would indicate that what I consider fluff would have given the reader a better sense of the passage of time.
Lesson Learned: Don't cut out large patches of time. Give readers a sense of continuity.
I will say, however, the epilogue shouldn't fall under this as it is separate from the story proper, but I understand the critique since I played hopscotch already. I just wanted a happy ending down the road.
I was actually fully aware of those comments. I am also aware it is not canon, not officially anyway. This is always a point of contention in any fandom. Her statement could be taken as "This generation will not progress to the point where that becomes an issue." This leaves the door open for a number of approaches, such as she thinks she's immortal but is never told otherwise or she's effectively immortal to the point that many generation will pass until she does pass on.
Another aspect to consider is Cadence. From the book Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart Spell:
We can compare her size to Twilight in the flashback for the Royal Wedding, but the term long time makes things kinda... hazy.
The problem any fandom faces when trying to account for aspects not clearly defined in canon is improvising to the point that it could fit into continuity until otherwise. Sometimes, this means improvising to the point that it fits their specific artistic goals.
Question: Do you think outside comments should be considered canon or do they not truly count until properly referenced in one of the mediums? I'm guessing you think yes, but I'd like to hear you take on it in more detail.
This is in reference to the inside of Donut Joe's. It was more a bit of fun laced with Futurama references. It was playing on my wife's computer behind me ^^
Wow. Yeah, I blew that big time. The idea I had was supposed to be some technobabble about preserving time which kept Discord from just popping back a few days later, especially since he was upset Twilight had messed with a time spell already. He may be chaos but he has rules. I left that out completely.
Lesson Learned: Nonsensical things better have a reason or they're just nonsense. (Pinkie Pie always has a reason, but hardly anyone understands it.)
You know, for some of them, I remember why I named them I did, but others are lost on me too...
Lesson Learned: Don't be afraid to split chapters into "Name - Part #"
I'm glad you enjoyed the laughs! You are right, though. Unless the whole point of the story is laughs, humor alone doesn't cut it. I really needed more work on the delivery.
Thanks again for a very detailed review. I really appreciate the effort you went through for each chapter. I have a good bit to digest if I want to partake in large stories like this again. Again, a C- isn't bad for a first try, I think. Perhaps with some more attention to the details and characters (and less temporal hopscotch), I can earn at least a B next time.
If you feel up to it, I'd be honored to have a review like this done for my short story Trixie's Number. Until next time, Have fun!