Lost Fate

by Fluxxdog

Epilogue

Epilogue

Ink Nose decided to lay down early. She was very tired tonight.

Her daughter, Angel Song, was lulling her own children to sleep in their bedroom with a lullaby. She always had a beautiful voice. Cantrip and she were so proud when she was selected to sing on the Royal Choir. It was there she met Wayward, a royal guard. Three foals was enough for them, but they loved them all.

His godmother, Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, named her younger son, Silver Light. She watched over him as if he was her own son. She took him as her personal student, until that fateful encounter with Brass Wings. Rarity’s and Slipwind’s daughter was as rambunctious as Rainbow Dash. Oh, their wedding was decadent. Nothing but the best for Rarity’s little princess. She didn’t get to see them or their two foals as often since they lived in Manehattan, but they visited when they could.

She might have traveled more, but being the Princess’s Personal Librarian was a very demanding role! In truth, she just never asked for time off much. She had more time now since she passed the job on to Twin Tails. But this late in her life, she didn’t have the energy she used to.

Ever since Cantrip passed away a couple years ago, her daughter insisted she move in with them. Before she could say “Oh I don’t want to be a burden,” Angel Song said having their grandmother around would be great for the children. Think of it as a babysitting job that pays room and board.

Her time with Cantrip was wonderful. When Discord came back, they started dating, but in all honesty, they already knew what their path was taking. He didn’t even wait a month before asking her to marry him. It was years before they had Angel Song, and in that time, they had their own little adventures. Nothing reality shaking or devastating, just experiences they knew they would never have apart. Then parenthood brought new chapters to their life that lasted until Cantrip's heart failed.

She missed him, but she remembered the discussion she had with Twilight. Remember the good times. It was how Twilight got through the loss of her friends. When Rainbow Dash crashed saving a pegasus colt from falling when one of his wings failed him, Equestria mourned the leader of the Wonderbolts who saved the little foal. However, Twilight remembered the first time they met and received her “patented Rain-Blow Dry”. Rarity had a small, quiet, dignified ceremony when she passed away in her sleep. That didn't stop Twilight sharing with ponies of the first Gala dress Rarity made for her and how she had to remake it.

Happy thoughts. She had many of them and she was glad she had them. The day he proposed. The trip to Manehattan. The spell that turned everyone blue for a day. The birth of Angel Song. Silver Light's first spell. The father/daughter dance at Angel Song's wedding. Silver Light's graduation from Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

So many wonderful memories.

They would be the last thoughts she would ever have as she closed her eyes, content with life.

Comments

[Sunlight Blaze]

Okay, "Lost Fate". You have one more chance to redeem yourself. Let's end this on a high note. So, come on....... What's it going to be?

*reads the chapter*

............................................................................................................................................................

I'll try not to explode again, but......this is really pushing it here.........
This final chapter is just ......one...huge....time-lapse......fastfowarding the plotline ahead fourty-plus years, to when the Mane Six and the Crew have freaking grandchildren; Rarity has passed away, Rainbow Dash died in an accident, Twilight is officially immortal (despite not being an immortal Alicorn) and living with all this, Cantrip has passed away, and a lot of other mushy stuff has happened since then, all in all resulting in an epilogue that is completely unrelated to the main plotline to the rest of the story.

(Official ratings to follow)

[Sunlight Blaze]

And that's Lost Fate.....................What did I just read!?

To be honest here, I'm conflicted; for as many bright and shining moments this story has, there are just as many groan-inducing moments. I love the introduction of six new OCs, and I liked the setup you had at the beginning, making that one pretty much pointless episode seem to have some meaning to it. But as the story progresses, all the tension that was built up gradually fades to disappointment.

Your overall penmanship was good; I only found a few grammar and spelling errors throughout the whole thing, and it's freaking 32 chapters long! But there are an insane amount of time lapses that are just unneeded, and there are so many plotholes it's ridiculous.

The biggest plothole - that being when Cantrip and Discord were trapped in that little dream, the one when they first tried to scry for the scroll and Cantrip ended up getting knocked out - is completely left untouched and we see Cantrip and Discord wake up without any explanation as to how they were able to return their minds to their bodies whatsoever!

And the ending.....Oh boy..... As I complained about before, the massive time lapse is just ridiculous, and it gives us an ending that basically says "that entire adventure was pointless; insert trollface here." That is NOT how you end a story.

This story's only saving grace was the humor; while a few jokes just ended up dying, all in all it was used pretty well. But, unfortunately, humor alone doesn't make a good story.

While I may not be a fan of time travel stories, they can be done well. But this is not how you go about it.

Sunlight Blaze's Official Ratings:
Story: D (6.6)
Writing: D+ (6.8)
Humor: B+ (8.7)
Ending: D- (6.1)

Overall: C- (7.05)

I'm Sunlight Blaze, and I hate time lapses.
*Teleports*

[Fluxxdog]

4975740
C-... Honestly, not bad for my first one. I wanted to respond to a few comments you made, but wait until you made your final call.

And that is NOT the Twilight Sparkle everyone knows.

I actually wanted to play that as an extreme. We've seen her evolve into Rapidash burst into flames from pure frustration. In the original, I had her thinking "[...] she would have to wait to strangle him." but that was too against character. Prison? Exile? Prison where she exiled him? My wife suggested the banishment to the moon as, though still harsh, still fit in the flavor. Celestia did it as a last resort, so Twilight jumping right to that should have given the impression of... well, Flutterhulk ^^

Ink Nose seems uncannily similar to Twilight in terms of both appearance and personality.

Ink Nose is an OC, but, had I fleshed out her personality more, her passion was more being in the library. The OC belongs to my wife, who wants to be a librarian. While Twilight consumes the knowledge, Ink Nose is more about maintaining it so others can learn. Given other comments about other OCs...

Lesson Learned: Define OCs better for the readers.

<various comments about time jumping>

Yeah, in retrospect, the time lapses needed to be handled better. It is definitely a case of it makes sense in my head, but the reader can't read that. The jumps in time were skimming over things that just didn't seem to fit into the main story and would have been more of a distraction. However, your reaction would indicate that what I consider fluff would have given the reader a better sense of the passage of time.

Lesson Learned: Don't cut out large patches of time. Give readers a sense of continuity.

I will say, however, the epilogue shouldn't fall under this as it is separate from the story proper, but I understand the critique since I played hopscotch already. I just wanted a happy ending down the road.

Meghan McCarthy, one of the writers for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (specifically the episodes and movies revolving around Alicorn Twilight) has stated on several occasions (not in the show, so I would understand that you don't know this) that Twilight is not immortal.

I was actually fully aware of those comments. I am also aware it is not canon, not officially anyway. This is always a point of contention in any fandom. Her statement could be taken as "This generation will not progress to the point where that becomes an issue." This leaves the door open for a number of approaches, such as she thinks she's immortal but is never told otherwise or she's effectively immortal to the point that many generation will pass until she does pass on.

Another aspect to consider is Cadence. From the book Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart Spell:

“So I spent a long time in Canterlot just resolving conflicts whenever I was needed and helping other ponies find love. I never really experienced it for myself.” Cadance blushed a little and giggled. “Even though I did have a crush on your brother.”

We can compare her size to Twilight in the flashback for the Royal Wedding, but the term long time makes things kinda... hazy.

The problem any fandom faces when trying to account for aspects not clearly defined in canon is improvising to the point that it could fit into continuity until otherwise. Sometimes, this means improvising to the point that it fits their specific artistic goals.

Question: Do you think outside comments should be considered canon or do they not truly count until properly referenced in one of the mediums? I'm guessing you think yes, but I'd like to hear you take on it in more detail.

....................What was the point of that?

This is in reference to the inside of Donut Joe's. It was more a bit of fun laced with Futurama references. It was playing on my wife's computer behind me ^^

He could have just gone FORWARD through time to just a few days after he originally set out and explained everything then! (Story: -10, Writing: -5)

Wow. Yeah, I blew that big time. The idea I had was supposed to be some technobabble about preserving time which kept Discord from just popping back a few days later, especially since he was upset Twilight had messed with a time spell already. He may be chaos but he has rules. I left that out completely.

Lesson Learned: Nonsensical things better have a reason or they're just nonsense. (Pinkie Pie always has a reason, but hardly anyone understands it.)

So far, most of the chapters just seem named randomly...

You know, for some of them, I remember why I named them I did, but others are lost on me too...

Lesson Learned: Don't be afraid to split chapters into "Name - Part #"

This story's only saving grace was the humor; while a few jokes just ended up dying, all in all it was used pretty well. But, unfortunately, humor alone doesn't make a good story.

I'm glad you enjoyed the laughs! You are right, though. Unless the whole point of the story is laughs, humor alone doesn't cut it. I really needed more work on the delivery.

Thanks again for a very detailed review. I really appreciate the effort you went through for each chapter. I have a good bit to digest if I want to partake in large stories like this again. Again, a C- isn't bad for a first try, I think. Perhaps with some more attention to the details and characters (and less temporal hopscotch), I can earn at least a B next time.

If you feel up to it, I'd be honored to have a review like this done for my short story Trixie's Number. Until next time, Have fun!