• Member Since 5th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 30th, 2015

NeonShadow


Rainbow Dash is best pony. TwiDash is best ship. Food is best. Ponies are life. Nuf said.

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How did Applejack deal with her parents death? How did she cope? After her parents death, she felt like no one knew what she was going through. So she ran away. She spent years by herself, but did it help? Did she get over her parents death? Will she ever forgive herself for running away from her family when they needed her and she needed them?

Special Thanks to Follow Focus and Demon of Chaos Leader for proofreading.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 2 )

Ok, first off: the story itself is fine. The death scene is believable, and the characters all seem to be in character. However, this story has a serious problem with forgetting some things that it itself brought up as the story went on. For example, Rainbow's wing. Apparently, it wasn't that bad an injury, considering how often she's flying around in later scenes. Another example is AJ's head scar. Apparently, her gash just went away after she regained consioussness. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that isn't how the body works. She'd probably end up passing out at some point, especially without leaves being constantly being applied to it. Even so, I could forgive these plot holes if it weren't for the fact that there are spelling and grammer errors all over the place! It's a little hard to get invested when you're seeing a spelling/grammer error every few words. I would highly recommend that you fix these errors before releasing your next chapter (and I wasn't even looking for errors! ) Current verdict: 5/10 (flawed:trixieshiftright:): this story has a lot of potential to be excellent, but it is currently held down by forgetting its own plot points and enough spelling and grammer errors to qualify as an 8th grade english assignment. Still an interesting story though. Let's see how this story turns out. Cheers :pinkiesmile:

Hum, a good start, I'll get to the next chapter after I've worked on my own story. However, while I can like it, it still has a lot of grammar problems.
One of the most notable, and easiest to fix, is that, you always put a common before, and after, a character addresses another character. :rainbowhuh:
For example;

"Eeyup. What do ya want ta do *Rainbow?"

A comma should go right there.
This is also true whenever they use a nickname or address them in any way;

Incorrect;"Sure thing sugarcube!"
Correct; "sure thing, sugarcube.

The same goes for any situation when another character is calling another character;
Not from your story;

Excuse me, my little ponies, could you help me?

and the best part of this system is that, if your not sure if you need a comma for a sentence where a character is speaking, you could have them address a character and fix that right up;

I don't need any help, Twilight, I can do this myself you know.

There are many more, but this is the most common in your story, the easiest to fix, and the one nitpickers will call you out on.

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